Intentions, Laughter and Orgasms

I’ve been meaning to blog. It seems like I’m always meaning to blog. I don’t have as much to write about at the moment, but it’s not like I have nothing to write about.

The last time MasterDoc and I had sex, I realized that he not only helps my mental well-being by giving me lots of orgasms, but also by making me laugh. I had done the ab-centric yoga dvd that day and as he made me laugh uncontrollably while being tied down I could feel my abs cry out from the soreness. But still he made me laugh and laugh, and it was such a relief from the stresses of my life. Years ago I had said I didn’t want a Dom who takes himself to seriously and I lucked out when the silliest Dom in the world found me.

I think I’m averaging sexual activity about once a week lately. Unless you count the once or twice I’ve masturbated. That’s pretty remarkable – the masturbation – considering even when I was hornier I greatly preferred partnered sex. Right now it’s a good sign that I’m getting spontaneously horny and seeking release through orgasm. My libido has been so low that any sign of it is good.

I often wake up in the middle of dreams where I’m trying desperately to find a bathroom I can use. Of course, I dream this because I actually have to pee and eventually I wake up and take care of that for real. An interesting spin on this type of dream happened yesterday morning when I dreamt I was living with my parents and brother again. For unknown reasons I had slept in my brother’s room (that happened for a few days in real life when I hurt my back and had trouble getting up the stairs to my room). In the dream, I was horny and trying to masturbate under the heavy blankets when my brother came in so I had to stop. At another point it was one of my parents, or maybe my grandmother who barged in. I was getting so frustrated that I couldn’t get off! In the dream I moved to my room in my parents’ house but someone came to bug me there as well. I woke up feeling horny and perplexed by such an odd dream.

I didn’t get around to masturbation until last night.

I’ve had two dates this week other than MasterDoc and sadly did not get up to sex either time. I saw Shane on Tuesday but I had an upset tummy. I had a third date with a new guy on Wednesday but he knows I’ve been dealing with libido and health issues lately and was very low key. I do wish I had had enough libido to ask him to make out with me. It seems I do the lesbian sheep dance with guys as well sometimes. Perhaps this is why I woke up sexually frustrated on Thursday. He’s a nice guy and attractive, so hopefully we’ll get things happening before long.

I have a date night with MasterDoc tonight. Hopefully the toothache that’s been bothering him won’t keep us from having some fun.

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Absence

Sorry for the long silence here at Diary of a Kinky Librarian. Many rough spots have come through our lives lately, but MasterDoc, DeeDee and I have hung together like the intentional family we are, and it’s been a huge help to have such a supportive family. So despite some issues to deal with (none of them interpersonal issues between us three, but I don’t want to get too specific about my offline life here for… reasons) we’ve been fortunate to have each other.

My sex life has been sparse, my desire even sparser. SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) have killed my libido for the most part. Despite such low libido, MasterDoc still makes me come really hard on a regular basis. I may have to struggle to get turned on, but he still knows where to touch me and what to do. We do this less frequently, because I’m often not up for it, but as always he has other partners to sate his perpetually high sex drive. (I can’t believe this sexual powerhouse will be 60 later this year.)

For a while, the D/s dynamic had to take a back seat, but I’m glad to be getting back to the sub mindset. It never fully went away, but through necessity had to be toned down during stressful times.

I’m still seeing Shane but he’s been busy dealing with life too, so I don’t get to see him every week like we try to do. I have my first, first date in months set for this Saturday. I doubt I’ll do much dating for now though.

I’m going to try posting here again. I want to review the birthday present MasterDoc got me last year at my request – Liberator’s Axis-Magic Wand. I’ve wanted one since I discovered its existence after I requested the plain Axis for review. I love the plain Axis and use it all the time for comfortable support during doggy style sex, but the Axis-Magic Wand was a disappointment. More details when I review it and keep in mind that it can be used like a plain Axis, so it’s not going to go unused.

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Review: Large Condom Sampler from Lucky Bloke/thecondomreview.com

A while back, before I disappeared from this blog for a bit, I received another condom sampler from Lucky Bloke for review. This time I asked for the large sampler because some of the men in my life can use large condoms for extra comfort. This time I took inventory of the assortment before dispersing them. (Last time DeeDee needed some in a pinch and I gave her a few.)

This particular large-size condom assortment included:

  • Trojan Her Pleasure Ecstasy
  • Trojan Magnum Thin
  • Trojan Magnum Ecstasy
  • Lifestyles King Ribbed
  • Lifestyles King
  • Lifestyles Skyn Large (polyisoprene – all others are latex)
  • One The Legend
  • One Tantric Pleasures
  • Glyde Maxi
  • Kimono Large
  • XLarge B Condom
  • Grande Big and Wide (RFSU)

Like last time, I loved discovering condoms I’ve never heard of before. I like how these samplers give you a chance to find a condom that fits you or your partner best – the best way to have enjoyable safer sex with condoms – and also let you try out different textured condoms. They also offer lube assortments and packs of specific condoms, so if you find one you like, you can get a bunch of those. If you order more than US$24 worth they offer free shipping worldwide.

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Condom sampler was provided free of charge from thecondomreview.com in return for an honest review, which I have given here. I received no other benefits for doing this review.

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Back to Roughness

A few nights ago we fooled around and MasterDoc was in a loving mood while I wanted to be treated roughly. It was nice but not quite what would get me super hot. I expressed this to him later, knowing that my ongoing illness could have encouraged him to be gentle with me. Last night he was in a rougher mood, much to my delight.

As he looked over the items I put out on the bed when I set up for sex, I had a funny thought. You know the show Iron Chef? There was a Japanese original then Food Network did an American version. The chefs went head to head, having to make up a complete meal using the secret ingredient for the episode. I thought that Iron Dom could be a good show – various toys are set out and the competing Doms have to create a scene using all items. The one who makes the hottest and most creative scene wins. I will accept money from anyone who wants to use my idea. Contact me to negotiate. ;-)

MasterDoc put the wrist cuffs on me and connected them using one of the connector straps I have. Then he delightedly delved into the bag of clothespins – we had just watched some porn that featured the use of clothespins. He placed one on my left outer labia, one each on my nipples and then decided he wanted to blindfold me. I hadn’t set out the Liberator blindfold, but I remembered I had a sleep mask in the drawer right next to the bed. It put it on.

He proceeded to add more clothespins to my breasts, leading from the nipples in towards the center of my chest. The clothespins had the right amount of bite to get me really hot. He continued rubbing my clit through my satiny panties like he had done while we watched the porn on the sofa earlier. He slapped at the various clothespins, tweaked the ones on my nipples and I delighted in the tolerable pain. He started slapping my face as he made me come. He pressed the magic wand to my clit.

He hovered over me after, cuddling me, rubbing his cock against my pussy. “I want you to fuck me, Sir,” I proclaimed. He wasn’t ready, so we ended up with more cuddling as I caught my breath.

I played with his thighs and butt while he stroked his cock. Before long he was hard. He grabbed a condom while I stroked my clit, and he watched for a while, mesmerized. He’s told me he likes watching me play with myself and I’ve finally come to realize how useful it can be when we’re preparing to fuck.

He fucked me roughly. His fat cock filled my pussy and I just focused on how full it felt. I came before long and he fucked me hard making me come and come and come. When he pulled out, he grabbed the magic wand again and held it to my clit. The sensation was so intense I had the fleeting thought, “I might pass out from this.” I used to worry about passing out during sex, until MasterDoc reassured me that a) as a doctor he’d know what to do and b) once I passed out and went limp normal breathing would resume. I decided to just go with it if it happened.

It didn’t happen, but I did get to the point where my clit was so sensitive to the pounding vibrations of the wand that I had to say, “I don’t think I can take any more!” I didn’t want to stop, but it was too intense to handle.

I was such happy camper for him to go all rough Dom on me again.

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On Top

I’m still sick and quite frankly sick of being sick. How badly I feel varies from hour to hour, day to day, so luckily I have had some hot sex with MasterDoc a couple of times. Things have been bumpy over the past couple of months, but it seems like we’re getting back into our groove.

Late last week, MasterDoc and I started out cuddling in his bed (we try to cuddle every day, sometimes multiple times) but soon it turned into him making me come, again through my panties. I didn’t squirt this time. I had said earlier that I must be feeling better since I was feeling horny again, but I wasn’t sure if anything would come of that.

I was anxious that I’d squirt on the bed since I hadn’t put the throe down. Thankfully I didn’t, I just got aroused and came purely from him touching and talking to me. I laugh when he touches me and I just melt into arousal and my body twitches suddenly, uncontrollably. It’s just so amazingly easy for him to turn me on.

I sucked his cock for a bit and he decided to fuck. I’ve been working on getting back into submissive mode recently, and thankfully thought to phrase a suggestion the following way, “If I may, Sir, I suggest that I be on top so my sinus congestion doesn’t become an issue.” He thought this was a great idea and we had an amazing fuck with me on top. I don’t often want to get on top, but we do it every so often and it was extremely practical in this case.

We really reconnected that evening. It felt good.

Last night, we fooled around again. MasterDoc put on the nipple clamps I rediscovered under my bed recently. They are homemade with bells hanging from them. I bought them off eBay many years ago. MasterDoc made me come, twisting the clamps, and I squirted so that it shot down my leg. He made me come a second time while I was sucking his cock – just by slapping it against my face and talking dirty to me. Rowr. I love when he treats me like a dirty girl. Again, it felt good to get back to him being able to make me come without sexual stimulation.

He also made me come by me humping his leg as he held me close.

I wanted to fuck, but his cock seemed unsure it wanted to join in despite being rock hard while I sucked it. I figured playing with it was awesome even if we didn’t get to penetration, and I lapped at his balls while I massaged his thighs. Next, I straddled him and enjoyed the sensation of rubbing his cock head over my clitoris. It was very sensitive by then, after coming a couple of times. I probably could have gotten off again from that, but the playing helped his cock make up its mind to join in the fun. This time I came so hard just from feeling him filling up my pussy. It’s notable that over the past two times we’ve been together sexually, we haven’t used a vibrator.

Six years into our relationship, and I still lust after the man like its our first year together.

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Wet Panties

I’m still sick so my sex life has been pretty non-existent. Last Saturday MasterDoc and I managed to fool around a bit before my health took another nosedive early this week.

I’m making a point to blog this even though it’s short, because I thought it was pretty freakin’ hot. I had on just a pair of sexy panties. MasterDoc always likes when I wear these – they’re black satiny material in the front, trimmed with lace and rhinestones, and the back is black mesh. I got them from Frederick’s of Hollywood on sale and actually own two pairs.

As he’s rubbing my pussy through the smooth fabric of the panties, I wondered to myself if I would be able to come that way. I was able, and fantasizing about what happened next helped push me over the edge – as I came, I squirted, soaking the panties through. I had another fabulous orgasm a short while later with the panties off, but the panty image has stayed with me all week. “It would be so hot if I squirted while I came with these panties on.”

Just the idea was enough to make it happen. (Well, that and MasterDoc making my pussy all tingly with his hand.)

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In the Meantime

Every so often over the past few weeks, I’d think that I really should post here since the last post was July 25. Earlier this month I wrote up a draft of a post that has sat on my desktop in an Open Office document called “Update.” I’d gaze at it while I opened up The Sims Medieval for the millionth time to escape my brain. Finally, here’s an edited version of that draft.

Sorry I’ve been scarce for nearly two months now. First I was busy gallivanting around a European country with DeeDee for eight days. (We had a fabulous time, but I didn’t have any sexcapades to share.)

Next, came a yeast infection from finally treating a sinus infection I had been hoping would go away for weeks. (Hoping is not an effective method of treatment. If the neti pot doesn’t clear it all up within a week or so, I need to get my ass to a doctor.) When I saw the ENT doctor again a week later he apologized for the infection that resulted from the strong antibiotics and promptly prescribed diflucan. Within a few days my pussy got back to normal.

There was hot sex a couple of times in between those two things. And when the three of us spent a long weekend in Virginia, MasterDoc decided he and I were going to go to a swing party. (DeeDee wasn’t feeling well.) I wasn’t jazzed but we went and I had a decent time. I enjoyed having sex with one polite, attractive, young black man MasterDoc selected due to his manners while indicating a clear interest in me. It was a good fuck.

Unfortunately, a swing situation with a couple that MasterDoc set up the day after triggered my post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) worse than I’ve ever had it triggered. For a solid two weeks I felt just like I did in the months following both the rape and the sexual assault. I felt like I would never want to have sex with anyone ever again. I felt alone and like I had no one I could share my feelings with. I couldn’t verbalize most of my feelings.

The couple and the actual swinging weren’t, I think, the root of my triggering. I think it was just a bad time for my brain to handle that sort of situation. I didn’t want to be there at all, and I felt powerless when I couldn’t convey to MasterDoc that no, really, I’m not just reluctant, I’m not ok with this. I couldn’t really articulate what I was feeling to myself. While I felt disbelief that it was actually happening despite my stating I didn’t want to, I didn’t even think that it was going to result in triggering. (Actually, I think the triggering started because I felt so powerless to stop it from happening in the first place.) I came a few times, squirted a river even, but the whole time I wished I could be somewhere else. It left me with a lot of depression and anger.

It’s been rocky. I’ve required a lot of xanax. I had to work things out with MasterDoc as he didn’t initially realize that I was triggered so he treated me like I was being bratty. A submissive who’s being bratty is pretty much handled the exact opposite as you would handle a submissive who has triggered PTSD. I finally got to the point where I realized that while it’s fine I’ve felt anger about the ways in which he fucked up (and all the fuck ups were TOTALLY unintentional, the man is human, he makes mistakes like us all), from the moment he realized what was really going on with me he has been nothing but supportive. I’ve slowly remembered why I trust him so much usually, and this expanding trust has allowed me first to seek comfort in his hugs and cuddles; and next in the form of assisted masturbation which was incredibly hot as I made up for two weeks of feeling freaked out about sex and not having orgasms. (Except the one time I had masturbated alone a few days before.) Assisted masturbation is the term we use when one of us gets ourselves off while the other one touches, kisses, verbally encourages and, in this case, he pulled my hair a bit. It felt amazing to come with his body pressed up against mine again.

The healing process moved along well for a while. We did have some good sex in there, but somehow I ended up feeling a bit triggered again late last week. Despite knowing that the triggering was a fluke, I still have feelings of not being able to trust MasterDoc to take adequate care of me. It’s so unsettling to feel that way about the person you usually trust the most. I’m also dealing with a particularly bad sinus infection again. My body and my mind are a mess lately. I am exhausted.

With all the silence from me the past few weeks, you haven’t missed anything good.

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A Plethora of Play

I’ve been getting back into sub mode more easily lately. Having my depression properly medicated helps a lot. On Saturday, I sat on floor by his feet, my head on his thigh. He talked about how he likes having me sit there like that, and what it symbolizes. He had me suck his cock for a while on the sofa, followed by some more cock sucking in the bedroom complete with deep throating.

MasterDoc has been acting more domly again lately. (I think we’re both consciously trying to get the dynamic back on track completely.) On Saturday night he said that the “clue bird landed” when he realized that it’s not my inclination to plan what we might get up to in an evening – after all, he’s the Dom. It’s great that I have input by putting out toys that interest me on a given day, but ultimately, I want him to be in control. One of the many things I love about MasterDoc is that he learns and grows, just as I learn and grow.

Ultimately, he fingered me to orgasm – twice. The third time he simply slapped my clit and I squirted as I came. After I recovered, I started playing with his cock.

He fucked me from on top, and made me come over and over. I felt so into the sex and so in touch with all that was happening with my body and the feel of his body on top of me, his back under my hands, my thighs pressed to his sides. I don’t think I manage that all the time lately. I think being back on prozac is enabling me to be more present during sex, which is wonderful.

On Sunday, Shane and Alexandra came over and we had some parallel play time. Both of their mothers live with them, so they don’t get uninhibited play time very often. Alexandra and I both got sybian rides. I squirted all over the place. I was so sleepy by the time they left!

I leave on vacation shortly, and last night was my last evening with MasterDoc for over a week. He worked a large butt plug into my ass and made me come from that and rubbing my clit. Yowza. He also put a couple of needles into my upper back. I got a small endorphin rush, but he took them out not long after as they looked inflamed (or something) and he’s concerned for my comfort during the long plane ride ahead of me (such a considerate Dom!). He flogged me (and the needles) a bit and shoved the magic wand under my cunt as I lay on my stomach through all this.

After a break, I sucked his cock, played with his inner thighs and groin and got him hard. He asked if I was up to getting on top and I gladly did. I came so many times, I couldn’t estimate the number if I wanted to. I’d catch my breath, then he’d start thrusting upward into me again, making me come. We really do have amazing sex. *grin*

I’ll be traveling with DeeDee for just over a week. MasterDoc has a whole lot of plans with ladies lined up for while we’re both gone.

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“I was delirious with orgasm after orgasm.”

Wednesday nights I usually see Shane. Unfortunately, he thought I was away this week on vacation, while I don’t actually leave for another week. He made other plans. This wasn’t such a big deal for me though, as I hadn’t seen MasterDoc at all for two days and I got to spend Wednesday night with him instead. I work late tonight (Thursday) , so I otherwise wouldn’t have gotten to spend time with him until Friday.

He arrived tired and asked me to wait on him. That was the last thing I felt like doing, but since I’ve been back on prozac I find it easier to be the good little submissive I generally try to be. I had ordered take out while he was on the way home and it arrived shortly before he did. So I got up, went to the kitchen and brought in his food. (I had hoped he’d grab it when he walked in. I was busy eating my food.) I offered to draw him a bath, but the hot water wasn’t working at that time.

He spent some time chatting with women on a dating site, this is a frequent pastime of his. It was getting late, especially since he needed to be up early the next day. I gently tried to get his attention. He did finally put the computer down and went to take a bath as the hot water had returned. I busied myself on my computer.

He chatted online a bit more as he dried off, although that irritated me a little less than it might have otherwise when he told me that one of the women wanted to top me.  That sounds like fun! After a bit more online chat he turned all his attention to me. I was definitely in need of attention.

In the bedroom, I found myself in a smart ass kinda mood. I was just jumping on the chance to make jokes when I saw openings, but this ended up with me needing a little behavior correction. I had put out the tweezer clamps as I was hoping he’d use them on my nipples, but after my remarks, he decided to use them on my inner labia. I cringed. I hoped he was just making empty threats. He wasn’t.

Thankfully it didn’t hurt quite as much as I thought it would – until he tightened them enough, that is. I kept making smart ass remarks, which would be immediately followed by my crying out, “Why did I just SAY that!?” I think my subconscious was trying to egg him on. When I’ve been through a period of depression, like I had for a few months earlier this year, he backs off a little on “meanness”  since I’m fragile at that time. So when I return to feeling stable he often still treats me with more gentleness than I crave. He had been rougher lately, so I’m not sure why my subconscious thought he needed the push.

He followed this up with ordering me to my knees for a caning. He had left impressive marks on another lady of his recently and he seemed determined to do the same on my ass. I did my best to breathe through the hard swats.

The problem was, I’ve had sinus issues for weeks now and with my head down my nose congested instantly. He heard the funny noises as I tried to breathe through my constricted nostrils and asked if I was having too much trouble breathing. I was. Time for a change of activity.

He got between my legs as I lay on my back and played with my pussy. I had put out my favorite purple Tantus dildo and he stroked it along my clit and lips for a while. Soon he had me aching for him to slide the dildo inside me. He had me put the tweezer clamps on my nipples myself – something I think I’ve suggested but that he never did before. Finally he inserted the dildo. He pressed the magic wand to my clit and pulled on the nipple clamps. Between these toys he made me come very, very hard. Then he handed me the magic wand and focused on furiously fucking me with the dildo. I was delirious with orgasm after orgasm.

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A Weekend with MasterDoc

I got to spend a lot of time with MasterDoc this weekend. The sex was hot. He was more in Dom mode than he had been lately and that just totally gets me going. Lots of  grabbing, face slapping, reminding me he owns me. The various interludes are a blur, but perhaps the most fun was when he tied me down to the bed using the under bed restraints. He also blindfolded me.

Inspired by my putting the vampire gloves out, he then grabbed a textured glove we have – it’s rough and bumpy with bits of angular rubber all over it. I had no idea what he pulled out of the drawer at first, but once he dragged it across my skin I guessed what it was. Still, he had that on one hand and a vampire glove on the other, so I never quite knew what he was grabbing or stroking me with. It was a lot of fun – a little bit of mindfuck and a lot of sensation play.

The day before, he used our tweezer nipple clamps – they are just the right tension for me. I can’t wear Japanese clover clamps for long. The clamps gave a delightful bite, but they ended up on a bit too long when he had me bend over the Liberator shape and started fucking me slowly. I had to give in and beg for them to be removed. Still, he made sure I came until I squirted a gallon. (I had just washed the throe that morning! A little frustrating but totally worth it for the orgasm, of course.)

He had me quivering at his every touch. I want my Dom to remind me he owns me and can do what he likes with my body. After all, I trust that he won’t do permanent damage. Having him hurt me just because he can usually gets me so hot.

MasterDoc has been re-reading much of this blog and he sent me the links to two early posts for me to re-read. I think I may want to write a post reflecting on where I am now with being a sub. But from October 30, 2007 (just three months after I met MasterDoc) here are Being a Sub and Being a Sub, Part II.

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