Diary of a Kinky Librarian

Life is Good

Published on February 20, 2012 in bisexuality, bondage, D/s, exhibitionism, happy, kink, libido, musings, optimism, sex, sex parties, swinging, threesome and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Sorry to leave you all with such a downbeat post. The angst has passed for now, and I’ve actually been really happy. Life at MasterDoc’s Home for Wayward Women is good. I feel settled. I have done some work on making my room nicer, although my pack rat ways mean I still have some boxes around. I have a collection I want to sell off but haven’t found the wherewithal to get started. It’s a huge project. A friend might take it on for me. I’d be thrilled to get rid of some stuff. I keep moving further away from my pack rat days. I have a small pile of clothing that no longer fits to donate to the thrift store. For the first time ever my sock and underwear drawers are organized – no more buying pantyhose or stockings when I have some already! (In the past I could never find anything so I didn’t know what I had on hand.)

The zoloft is working well and the tummy issues have cleared up. My libido is still a little low and sometimes I have to really work for an orgasm but it’s improving. I’ve been having a great time with MasterDoc. He’s on a roll with playmates and it perks him up to enjoy sex with new women. I really think you have to consider new partners to be his fetish. He loves the two of us he shares his home with (and shows his love all the time) but it’s fun for him to chase someone new and play with them.

I actually asked to go out to the swing club with him recently. I had fun but I’m still not feeling the whole groped by strangers thing. I used to love it. Now, not so much. On another night, at home, he gagged, blindfolded and bound my hands to the bed frame. He attempted to block out my hearing with my ipod, but the damn earbuds kept falling out. He had phone sex with one of his playmates while fucking me bound up like that. He really gets into talking dirty and being rough when he has an audience. He has her on an earpiece plugged into his cell phone, so I can’t hear her, I just get to enjoy the result of him enjoying himself. Also, I love the helplessness from being bound.

Yesterday we had Blondie over. I hadn’t seen her in a few months. I kinda thought things had just petered out between us but we three had a great time playing.

For Valentine’s Day, Shane brought me flowers and the most adorable stuffed dogs hugging each other. We went out to dinner and it was just lovely. MasterDoc doesn’t do holidays, but it was nice to have Shane to do Valentine’s with. (I’m not particularly into the holiday either, but I do like an excuse to go out for dinner. We went out the night after, I see no point to dealing with restaurants the night of Valentine’s Day.)

I don’t feel the pull to write here lately. MasterDoc was talking to a friend about needing to do challenging things throughout life to keep the brain sharp, I suggested he could write the blog for me. *grin* He didn’t respond.

Body Angst

Published on February 4, 2012 in anxiety, embarrassment, emotions, musings, neurosis, stress and Uncategorized. 4 Comments

I keep thinking that I should write here, write about something. I’ve been having a lot of body angst lately. While I think I look exceptionally good (for me) when clothed, I still despair over my naked body. I wish I had better known how likely it was that I’d be left with extra skin after the weight loss. My thighs often look like an old lady’s! Doing downward facing dog just makes everything loose hang down and grosses me out. Remind me never to get into that sort of position during sex with someone new.

It doesn’t help that my 40th birthday comes later this year.

Sigh.

I know I shouldn’t despair. And I’m certainly not saying I would not lose weight if I had it to do again. But it does make he hesitate to get naked in front of someone new.

I’ve toyed with the idea of plastic surgery – something I’ve always been somewhat against. Searching on the web, I found some pretty impressive results. I think I’d most like to get my boobs lifted, but I’m not sure if that entails cutting the nipples off then re-attaching at a more aesthetic point on the re-done breast. That idea just horrifies me. I like being able to feel my nipples. Another idea is to get the torso tightened.

Ultimately, I doubt I’d do this. It’s expensive, and I don’t think the risk of surgery (even if it’s a low risk) is worth taking for something purely cosmetic. But damn, I want to look good. I worked so hard to lose weight only to end up more uncomfortable naked than I ever was when I was fat. I feel a bit freakish when I look at my naked body lately.

Safe/Ward Blog Carnival Take 2- Call for Submissions, Deadline Feb 4th!

Published on January 31, 2012 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

From Kitty Stryker’s blog: (If you’re interested in participating, please contact Kitty. I just wanted to get this out there more widely.)

One of the things I keep hearing about abuse in the BDSM community is “oh, but that doesn’t happen HERE”. “I’ve never had something like that happen to me,” some scoff, “so it must be something you’re doing”, or “I’ve never heard of that happening here”. In each case, I have often had stories from people in those communities, unsure how to speak up or what to say locally, but feeling safe to discuss it with someone who will respect their anonymity and just listen.

I put together a blog carnival a while back using articles about BDSM and abuse written by prominent bloggers. But apparently, that’s not enough. Since starting this discussion with Maggie, we have had many people come to us to confess their own stories, to say how yes, it does happen in their communities, but they’re too intimidated to come forward. So I want to make space for them, and for you.

Do you have other stories of entitlement culture and abuse in your altsex spaces? Please, please share it with me, so we can band together and say yes, this happens, and no, it’s not ok.

Email me links to blogs, miss dot kitty dot stryker at gmail, or send me an email with your story (700 words or less) and I will post it anonymously for you- I’d appreciate if you can share where you’re from (as specific or not as you wish) and perhaps your age or gender to show the diversity of experience. You don’t have to be a brilliant writer, you don’t have to spellcheck, just share your story. I will post as many as I can on February 4th. I am committed to keep this a safe space, and will publish anything that maintains that space with respect.

You don’t have to be silent anymore.

The Week that Was

Published on January 27, 2012 in bdsm, blogs, blow jobs, D/s, depression, masochism, orgasm on command, prostate massage, sex, sex toys and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

I just want to give a quick shout out to any and all bloggers who link to my blog. Thank you! I particularly appreciate it as my output has gone down. I would imagine fewer people linking to me in that case, but it seems like a good number of bloggers like my blog. This is an awesome compliment.

I’ve been dealing with gastrointestinal issues thanks to a new medication I’m on. I keep telling my intestines that the drug is for my brain (depression) and not them, so cut it out. So far they don’t listen. Immodium has beaten them into some semblance of submission. Mid-week I was feeling the effects of dehydration before I started loading up on the Immodium. It wasn’t severe but fatigue and headache were kicking my ass. I took up drinking sports drinks, which helped a bit. The fatigue unfortunately made my night with Shane less sexy than he had hoped. He had been on a couple of dates recently, and to a kink event, but hadn’t gotten laid, so he texted me on Monday to say he planned to ravish me all night long. It would have been awesome if I felt well, but I left work early that day with a headache and immediately took a nap when I got home.

Shane didn’t lose out entirely. When I had some energy early in the evening I blew him on the couch until he came. I do like making sure my partners are taken care of if I can. But sex didn’t happen as I was just so tired. We watched a few episodes of “Stephen Fry in America” and cuddled on my bed a bit before he left when it was bedtime for me.

Our schedules are so different, it makes dating hard sometimes. He owns a business and usually gets out of work around 11:30 p.m. I’m usually in bed starting to fall asleep around then. He visits me on his day off, but of course I run out of steam before him, and I have to get up early to get to work by 9 a.m. I keep hoping he’ll meet someone else to date and fuck so he doesn’t have to rely on me only. A few times in recent months I’ve not felt well on the one night a week I see him, and while this isn’t bad for me what with MasterDoc in my life, Shane loses out. He’s a sweetie and I feel bad about that, even though he insists it’s not a problem.

Earlier in the week, before I felt the effects of more than a week of GI issues, I had some hot sex with MasterDoc. It started off with a simple blow job, but as he gagged me on his cock he told me to come. I came simply from gagging on his cock. What a perv I am! Our connection is pretty damn amazing.

We moved to me hanging my head over the end of the bed. It was really hot and I’m amazed at how much longer I can keep his cock in my throat now. Hanging my head upside down isn’t conducive to a long scene, but MasterDoc gave me this beautiful orgasm, and he lifted my head up as I came, and turned me onto my side on the bed where I finished coming. It was somehow magical. He controlled my body in so many ways for that brief period of time. I couldn’t help but tell him, “That was awesome, Sir.” I meant it wholeheartedly.

He went off somewhere in the apartment for a bit, and I grabbed my Wahl massager to warm myself up. I kept myself on the edge of coming and when he returned he was glad to see me warming up. He fucked me from above using a female condom for a change. I’m not fond of them, it was irritating my vagina at first. But then I remembered – I was just fantasizing about him hurting me moments before while he was out of the room. I managed to eroticize the discomfort and come hard. He tried to flip me over and fuck me from behind, but the outer part of the condom rubbing against the opening to my vagina was producing a lot of irritation. He said, “Oh well, you’ve come enough already!” I had to agree.

I helped him come by probing his ass with Duke, a prostate toy. It’s wonderful to see him come. He doesn’t come easily and we have to make a special effort to make sure it happens.

Masturbation

Published on January 19, 2012 in cunt, kink, masturbation, porn, sex toys, shio, squirting and Uncategorized. 3 Comments

I ended up with an evening alone after a few plans fell through. I decided to make myself a date with Mr. Hitachi (i.e., my Hitachi magic wand). I don’t masturbate often these days – it’s kind of a mystery why I don’t. I just find sex with a partner to be much hotter most of the time. But when everyone was out of the apartment, I took my laptop into my bedroom, lay down the throe and watched some porn on pornhub. It was a shortened sample of a Public Disgrace video. (Oh kink.com, so many times you’ve gotten me off!) I had some pretty incredible orgasms. Something I like about the magic wand is that even when the stimulation becomes almost too much, I can keep it pressed against my clit and ride it out into something even more sublime than before. I squirted a nice puddle on the throe.

I came twice and watched a bit more of the video. I realized that the down side to masturbation is no one to cuddle with afterward. I reached for my teddy bear, however, and cuddled with him. (His species is a “North American cuddlin’ bear”.) I used my other hand to keep playing with my swollen cunt and soon I put down the bear and reached for the Hitachi again. I went for another orgasm and came quickly, just as intense as before.

I felt pretty damn satisfied after. I considered my date with Mr. Hitachi to be a success. I went back to the living room, a huge grin on my face. As I walked by MasterDoc’s room I had the rather silly fantasy of going in there and rubbing my wet cunt on his things, like a cat in heat advertising its readiness. Of course I didn’t, but I have spent the past two days online with MasterDoc telling him how horny I am. I hope tonight turns out to be hot.

Reconnecting

Published on January 17, 2012 in anxiety, bdsm, blow jobs, bondage, D/s, emotions, exhibitionism, forced orgasm, happy, kink, masochism, mental illness, orgasm on command, piss play, restraints, sadism, sex, submissive, trauma, trust and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

It’s funny how after a period of time when I’ve felt disconnected or out of sync with MasterDoc, I find myself wanting him to assert his dominance during sex more than ever. There’s been a few times lately when I haven’t felt able to handle some things we’ve done. These are things that I’ve done in the past with no problem, but I’m going through a lot of sturm und drang as I acclimate to a new depression medication. (Several years on prozac and the damn drug seemed to stop working. I realize that happens frequently.) There was a time he decided to piss on me, and unlike my usual reaction of distaste but thinking his control over me is hot, I freaked out a little. I was downright belligerent even though my collar was on. I declined to use my vibe to come and just begged him to get it over with. I could see that I wasn’t in a mental state to handle it. In the end, I felt a little traumatized. (Meanwhile, he opted to piss on my ass as a way to soften the experience since he saw I was in distress.) Thankfully a good heart-to-heart talk later and I felt better. Gentlemen (Dominants in particular), saying you’re sorry after you’ve inadvertently and unintentionally freaked out your sub/lover is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that you’re a decent human being who wants the pain and the anxiety connected with bdsm to be pleasurable for you both. (Or, at minimum, not traumatic.) A simple, “I’m sorry,” even though you haven’t done anything wrong per se, is the most amazing balm.

There were a couple of other times where, in the midst of our usual amazing sex, he said or did something that didn’t quite affect me in the usual way due to whatever mental state I was in. I think a large part of this is how I’ve reacted to the new medication. I find myself feeling very much NOT an exhibitionist. (Uh, like, hello where did Nadia go?!) I find myself not wanting strange guys to grope me. Things that I used to love I’m not into suddenly. I’m also very inclined to withdraw both physically and emotionally from many things. I am loath to leave the apartment these days. I have done an extraordinary job of the lesbian sheep dance – above and beyond my usual. (I’m still seeing the elegant, sexy, Mexican lady I started seeing late last year. We’ve finally made out – due to her making the first move!! And I’m the one with experience with women. Oy. Words can’t describe how frustrated I am with my fucked up self right now.) While I’m still kinky as anything, I’m much more one-on-one than I used to be. Granted, I think I’ve been moving in that direction for a while, but there’s still a part of me that wants to be an exhibitionist. I can feel it still in there. Just not right now.

I appreciate the fact that I can talk so openly about what’s going on with MasterDoc. He’s quite analytical, so I can discuss my being unsure what’s a true feeling of mine and what’s colored by adjusting to a new drug’s action on me. He’s calm and can take criticism. He wants me to talk to him. If it wasn’t for him asking me a few times, “Is there anything you want to discuss?” I wouldn’t have opened up.

After our talk, we reconnected with sex, and I felt myself wanting more than anything to melt into subspace and have him show his dominance over me. I found myself thinking about the fact that he still hasn’t pissed in my ass (something he’s threatened to do and I’ve dreaded). It wasn’t that him pissing on me was a wonderful thing, it’s that he has the control over me to make me want to do dirty and disgusting things to please him. While not everyone feels this way, I find it exquisite to be under someone’s control like that. Not just anyone’s control, but this man who I’ve served for about four and a half years now, who has proven himself to be someone I can truly look up to, but also someone who’s human. There are times he aggravates me (rest assured I aggravate him often too) and I disagree with him, but I respect that he’s a highly intelligent man capable of introspection. He’s an interesting person because he has a mean streak – and when I’m in subspace that’s a fabulous thing – but also a great desire to take care of those he loves. There’s tenderness, but also sometimes a picky critic.

And then there’s the lover who knows my buttons so well. He can still make me come from just grabbing my hair and saying something dominant to me. *fans self*

There was a moment last night when he told me to put his cock head against the inside of my cheek so he could slap my face and feel it through my cheek. This was after some deep throating, which I’m getting better at doing. I can hold it longer without gagging. Although, I think I would like to have one of those porny blow jobs where I’m on my knees and he’s fucking my face while standing up, the drool running down my chin.

I found myself craving to please him but I also admonished myself not to get upset over not being perfect. That’s an unattainable goal and giving myself angst over it will only cause grief. But I love the moments when I’m in subspace and absolutely worship him. While it sometimes sounds like submissives are in a constant state of worshipping their dominants I think that a healthy relationship also requires being able to see your dominant as a human with foibles. Dominants can’t be perfect any more than submissives can.

The main attraction of last night was him restraining my wrists to his bed frame and then fucking the living daylights out of me. I have long been a fan of some restraint during sex. It makes me feel that more vulnerable to him, which sets me off even more. I think my brain was scrambled by the end, but happily so.

I’ve been working on being more vocal – not in the way of sounds (I am quite a moaner and screamer) but in the way of saying hot things. Begging for his cock. Telling him I crave his cock up my ass in that moment.

New Year

Published on January 3, 2012 in blog, exhibitionism, happy, musings and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

I’m not sure where I want to take this blog in 2012. I’ve debated stopping blogging off and on over the past year. I find that I’m less inclined to recount every sexual encounter. We went out for New Year’s Eve to the swing club, and I realized that I’m at a different place than I’ve been for the past few years. My exhibitionism seems to have taken a vacation. I suddenly didn’t find random men watching me get fucked to be as hot as before. It wasn’t a bad experience – at all – but it’s not the thrill it once was.

I’ve always had the tendency to go through phases – phases when I like to go out a lot (to swing clubs, dancing, etc.) alternate with homebody phases. I’m definitely in a homebody phase right now. Much of the time I’m happy to stay home. I think a large part of this is because I have a happy home life. There’s always plenty to do around the apartment – both in terms of working to keep it nice and in terms of stupid crap like playing games on my computer. With 40 just around the corner, I’m feeling a pull towards a more settled life. We’ve talked about getting a dog someday, and the idea of having to come home to walk and care for a dog isn’t as much of a drag as it used to be. (Plus with three of us it would be less work individually.)

There’s no way of knowing if this will last long-term or just be another phase. I have a new body that will take work to maintain and yet I’m feeling less confident naked than when I was fat. I also have a hard time not seeing myself as the fat girl anymore. When we were out on NYE I wondered if a couple of slim, hot women were saying bad things about me, but my friend pointed out that she thought they were actually thinking I’m hot and were interested. Having such a self-esteem block does nothing to help me.

I’ve contemplated writing a book but I’m not sure I know where to start. Everybody and their brother has a memoir out these days, so I hesitate to try adding my unusual life to the list. I’d like to post more on Good Vibrations magazine, but I feel at a loss for topics. I know I want to continue activism in bringing sexual violence to light and helping support survivors. I’ll be at Momentum in March and I look forward to meeting other women working hard for the same cause. Silence has gotten us nowhere. We need to speak up.

I don’t think I want to stop blogging. (I’m sure Good Vibes is glad to hear that as I owe them a review!) I think I just need to feel out what direction to go in. Sex will always be my topic of choice and I like presenting a real-life kink relationship to people. Perhaps my blog posts will be me pontificating pointlessly like this one.

VIrtual Book Tour: Mia Martina’s “A Year of Sex”

Published on December 30, 2011 in bdsm, book review, dating, exhibitionism, kink, lesbian, masochism, non-monogamy, reviews, sex, sex parties, sexuality, swinging and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

Welcome to the Kinky Librarian leg of the “A Year of Sex: Tales from New York City’s Erotic Underground” virtual book tour! When Mia Martina contacted me asking if I’d like to read her first book and cover it on my blog, I was intrigued. Someone had suggested to her that since I have experience in NYC sex parties that I might find her book particularly interesting, and indeed I did. I want to bug her for the scoop on just which parties these were, as she of course doesn’t identify specific parties or people.

Mia’s book starts off with the explanation that she had just split from her first boyfriend (she had been living exclusively lesbian before he came along). To distract herself from heartache and try to hasten the healing process, she decides to spend a year exploring all sorts of sex parties around New York City, where she was living at the time.

Her tales are hot, erotic and also pretty realistic. She doesn’t sugar coat how awkward parties can be sometimes, but she also shares just how debaucherous they can be. This isn’t just a collection of her erotic experiences though, it’s also a tale of growth. I feel like I’ve gotten to know Mia better through reading her book. Swinging, kink, open relationships, love are just some of the topics explored. It’s well written, not simply salacious.

I’ve had the pleasure of meeting Mia a couple of times in New York. She was Miss January in the 2010 NYC Sex Blogger Calendar and attended the party. I think prior to that I met her at one of the In The Flesh readings. My first impression of her is that she’s a pretty blonde in that “girl-next-door” kind of way and also incredibly sweet. She is NOT a woman you would expect to be doing bdsm with a new couple at a sex party. I think that’s part of why her tale is fascinating. It’s also why I’m glad she has shared it. Sluts and kinksters are multifaceted people. They can be very sweet and pleasant but also get down to some dirty things. Being nice and being a perv are not mutually exclusive things, but if you read this blog you’re already familiar with that concept.

“A Year of Sex” is available currently as an ebook. It’s a quick read, but one I will want to read again.

Half-Assed Blog Post

Published on December 29, 2011 in D/s, edge play, happy, humiliation play, kink, musings, needle play, piss play, random thoughts, sadism, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Beginning of blog entry #1. Around 12/9/11. Just a few jotted notes.

I wasn’t feeling horny when Shane was over. getting lots of cuddles. helping him a little as he jerked off.

sex next night with md. sucking his cock. him reaching around to get it wet and lubed. having me get on top to fuck. pushing myself close to the edge of orgasm, and for once really and truly reaching the point where i couldn’t stop myself from coming.

md would keep thrusting now and then, joking about Nadia the fucktoy who he could make come at his whim.

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Yup, never fleshed this out.

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Beginning of blog entry #2. Around 12/22/11.

I have been a bad blogger again. Enjoying fun things without taking the time to write about them. Life just seems so busy lately. It’s not the holidays so much as working full time, doing stuff around the apartment, seeing Shane, having a second date with the pretty lady (where I did the lesbian sheep dance once again! Baa!) and other assorted things.

And yes, I’ve been having a fair amount of sex.

Shane was over last night, and as we watched a show with DeeDee in the living room, he started getting me worked up. He played with my clit and strangely I felt self-conscious. I could not come. I felt like it was tacky to do around DeeDee while she was watching something. I know personally I don’t want my relaxation time (she’s been sick this week) interrupted by someone crying out in orgasm. Hearing it through a closed door isn’t bad. I did manage to convince him to head to the bedroom.

————————–
Yup, more writing that was totally not fleshed out or completed.

Another notable night was a few days ago when MasterDoc had me kneel in the tub. As he prepped a spot on my upper breast with alcohol, he told me I could come either when I felt the needle go in my skin or I felt his piss on my body. I cringed.

I couldn’t come with the needle. It hurt too much for the first 30 seconds or so. But I kept playing with my clit as he continued to tell me to come. Eventually I came, terribly humiliated at coming as he pissed on me and went on about how I’m his dirty piss slut.

I have such a love/hate relationship with humiliation play. I find myself wishing MasterDoc would push me more and make me do things I find disgusting. But of course I also wish that it never happens. I don’t want to ask for him to do things he’s talked about having me do, because I DO find them gross. But on the other hand I’ve been trying to revel in being his dirty whore as I know he’s into that (and don’t worry folks, I’m into it too or I wouldn’t consider doing it). Whenever we see ass-to-mouth in porn I cringe. But he would love to do that to me. I asked him why the other night and he said, “Because it’s dirty and disgusting.” I keep trying to reassure myself that while it’s gross, it’s not harmful. (MasterDoc has explained that since the cock has been in your ass you’re not encountering any foreign bacteria and such.)

I’ve been trying to get better about calling him Sir. I was slacking off something terrible. I feel like our dynamic needs to be reinforced a bit more. I like that we can be casual with each other, but it can’t come at the cost of losing respect.

Last night I described him as a Sour Patch Kid. *grin* He starts out tart but ends up sweet. (Or, often, the other way around.) I love that he has both sides to him.

But, my friends, I promise a blog post tomorrow as I already have my part in Mia Martina’s “A Year of Sex” virtual book tour written and scheduled. See you then.

Knife Play

Published on December 9, 2011 in anxiety, bdsm, bondage, cunt, D/s, edge play, forced orgasm, happy, horny, kink, knife play, masochism, restraints, sadism, shio, squirting, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

This week I’m on the emotional roller coaster that is my monthly struggle with premenstrual dysphoric disorder. I feel like I’m constantly working to rein in the anxiety and agitation that goes with it. Taking a benzodiazapine helps, and since this is the only time of the month I need any, I can take it without worrying about tolerance or addiction. But even with medication, the mood fluctuations still exist and need management.

When I got to spend some time alone with MasterDoc on Tuesday, I was hoping for lots of cuddles and petting. I needed soothing to deal with the craziness that happens to me biologically at this time. I’m certainly getting better at dealing with it on my own, and this was never more apparent than when our naked time together started with MasterDoc laying with his back to me telling me to play with his ass to help him get off.

Starting off with his orgasm is rare. After all, men usually get one orgasm for the evening (unless they’re still young enough to get it up two or more times). The agitated part of me wanted to whine that I wasn’t getting the attention I needed. But the rational part of my brain said, “Ok, considering all the times he puts your orgasm first, you really need to be agreeable and allow him his release first tonight. (Not to mention the fact that he’s the Dom.) Also, you know he will make sure you are taken care of. It might not be penis-in-vagina sex, but he won’t leave you without orgasm or cuddles by the time the night is through.”

I worked through my whiny feelings and I did manage to enjoy making him feel good. By now I know just how to knead the muscles in his thighs and buttocks to make him twitch with pleasure. I slowly worked my way to his asshole, eventually sliding a finger inside. As I did so, I tugged gently at the entire perimeter of the sphincter muscle that holds it closed, working the muscle so it would relax.

After several minutes, MasterDoc came and I’ve learned by now to keep up the stimulation until he is done coming and indicates that I should slowly work my fingers out of him. I’ve been instructed to keep the pressure towards the front wall, so that any semen in the tubes gets gradually pushed to the tip of his cock and out.

I had made it through a selfish fit without throwing a fit. MasterDoc surveyed the toys I had laid out. (It’s my responsibility to set up the bed for sex. I put down the throe, make sure we have lube, condoms, my collar, my cuffs and any toys I might suggest for the evening.) He had already been concocting a scene, and the blindfold I laid out was definitely part of it.

Once I was in my collar, cuffs and the blindfold, he connected the cuffs around a pole that makes up part of the headboard. My arms were over my head now, and unless I was naughty and tried to uncuff myself, I was unable to use my hands. “I’ll be right back,” he said.

I tried to eroticize being left helpless. I felt excited wondering what would come next. After his return, he took a moment to raise the blindfold and show me what he had ready for play. My heart beat faster when I saw it was one of the knives from my kitchen knife collection. It was a small one, but I knew it could certainly cut me if used the right way. MasterDoc put the blindfold back over my eyes and the anxiety was something else!

You see, I have a bit of a knife phobia. I can handle using one myself, but if someone else is standing near me holding one (like those times when you start to talk with whomever is making dinner and they have a knife in their hand, which sometimes gets waved around expressively because it’s just there in their hand already) I get ridiculously flinchy. I could be five feet away but I’ll get anxious and hypervigilant of the knife’s location.

I knew that knife play, for me, would be very much about playing with my fears. (And, indeed, I had put the request in my wishing box.) I wasn’t as interested in cutting, although that can be part of knife play. Of course, since my brain chemistry was already rioting due to the PMDD, my phobia led me through some moments of pure terror that evening as MasterDoc ran the knife gently over my skin. He’d talk about making an incision on my inner thigh and I probably begged him not to. While the terror I felt was real, it was more like titillation as my subconscious knew I was ultimately safe. Even if MasterDoc did cut me, it would be careful and deliberate. And as a doctor he’d do anything necessary to prevent possible infection or complications.

I like fear play with someone I trust because there’s a certain exhilaration that occurs. I felt a little delirious with fear, but it most likely made my pussy wet. I’ve forgotten how exactly he made me come that night, but I came very hard, squirting a little bit.

In the aftermath, MasterDoc enjoyed showing me that there were in fact TWO knives. The sharp one he showed me, and a regular blunt dinner knife, which he used most often to run over my skin. The mind fuck was a success. My brain was convinced he was only using the sharp one.

I got the cuddles and petting I needed after the scene. And while I would have thought this week would be the worst time for something that intense, it was pretty amazing. I really loved it.