Indulgent Post About Song Lyrics

Published on May 24, 2013 in musings and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Music has long been a lifeline for me. It can be a salve when I’m feeling terrible. I’ve often said that I don’t think I would have survived my (very depressed, often suicidal) teen years without it.

Lyrics are funny in that they have the meaning the writer intended, but also the meaning that the listener gives them thanks to their own unique perspective on life. (Poetry is the same way.) There’s a Depeche Mode song that’s been resonating with me lately, and it’s clear that what the lyrics mean to me aren’t what Martin Gore intended when he wrote them. (Not that I necessarily know what he intended, but my interpretation is clearly a loose interpretation.) With this song, however, I can also interpret them as being from Dave Gahan, the singer of the song. He has had drug abuse problems and attempted suicide.

Anyway, the song is called “The Sinner in Me” and it’s off their 2005 album Playing the Angel. I choose the interpret the “sinner” of the song as the dark side of one’s self rather than the christian idea of a sinner. The side you wish you could hide or get rid of, the depressed ‘me’ basically. There’s a “you” referred to in the song who picks up the narrator when he’s down and battling with that sinner side of himself. I think of MasterDoc at those parts.

 

“The Sinner in Me”

Written by Martin Lee Gore

 

If I could just hide

The sinner inside

And keep him denied

How sweet life would be

If I could be free

From the sinner in me

 

I’ll never be a saint

That’s not a picture that your memory paints

Not renowned for my patience

I’m not renowned for my restraint

But you’re always around

You can always be found

To pick me up when I’m on the ground

 

If I could just hide

The sinner inside

And keep him denied

How sweet life would be

If I could be free

From the sinner in me

 

I’m still recovering

Still getting over all the suffering

More known for my anger

Than for any other thing

But you’ve always tried

To be by my side

And catch my fall when I start to slide

 

If I could just hide

The sinner inside

And keep him denied

How sweet life would be

If I could be free

From the sinner in me

 

Share

It’s Been a Bumpy Ride

Published on May 23, 2013 in anxiety, bdsm, blow jobs, bondage, caning, D/s, depression, forced orgasm, kink, masochism, mental illness, neurosis, prostate massage, restraints, sadism, sex, sex toys, spanking, stress and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

The past few months have been a bumpy ride with my depression issues. Bouts have become noticeably more frequent. I’m going to try going back on prozac and see if that helps again since I’ve been off it for about a year and a half. MasterDoc seems to be always searching for information on different/new treatments for depression. We’ve discussed ECT. It can apparently be quite useful for some sufferers who haven’t responded adequately to medications. It’s supposed to be much better (fewer side effects) these days than in the past, but of course I instantly think of the descriptions in The Bell Jar when I think of ECT. And apparently there are studies being done on ketamine for treating depression. (For all you recreational drug users out there, yes it’s the drug that will put you in a k-hole. I’ve never done it myself.) There’s studies being done here in New York. We’ve discussed looking into them.

It’s funny, but I sometimes get fearful of what life would be like without depressive episodes. I know it’s silly to think like that but when you’ve been some way for your whole life, even if that “some way” is miserable and painful for you, it can be scary to try envisioning life without it. I’m going to try to push past that fear however, as it would be much better not to fall into depression every few days.

Poor MasterDoc has to deal with me feeling insecure and getting angry at perceived slights. I have fears of abandonment so I see everything through the lens of not being loved or desired any more. It sucks. I can also be suicidal sometimes.

In the midst of all this? I get up, go to work, pretend to be normal. Then I come home and try to offset things by exercising, hoping to get some good chemicals moving in my brain. Sometimes, I eat for comfort.

When I’m feeling at least semi normal, I sometimes have hot kinky sex with MasterDoc. Last night he caned (and spanked, cropped, etc.) my butt until I thought I couldn’t take it any more. I had mentioned to him that it seems like lately he doesn’t give therapeutic spankings like he used to. (Granted, my perception of such things can be colored by any current depression I’m experiencing.) It seems he decided to give me one. He also alternated the magic wand on my pussy with the many slaps to my ass.  He secured me, face down, to the bed using the underbed restraints. He made me come really hard and I had to collapse after. We had a lot of fun, but the sad thing is that my mood can still be low after all this fabulousness! I’m thankful, however, that I at least get periods of ecstasy to break up the depression.

After some rest, I went down on him until he was totally hard. He fucked me, and I got to come again. Later in the evening, I helped him come by using a toy to stimulate his prostate.

I’ve felt interested in needle play again. I don’t always feel up for it, but damn does it give an endorphin rush like no other kinky play. I’ll bet MasterDoc will do some on me soon. (I hope!)

Share

Summary of Last Week

Published on May 19, 2013 in anal, bdsm, bisexuality, cunnilingus, D/s, humiliation play, kink, masturbation, piss play, sex, sex toys, submissive, threesome and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

I’ve been horribly remiss in filling you all in on my escapades. Last Tuesday, MasterDoc and I had a threesome with Daisy which started with him ordering her to lick my pussy as soon as she walked into the bedroom (he had been “pre-heating” me) and finished with MasterDoc sliding the head of the Hitachi magic wand into Daisy’s pussy. I grabbed the Wahl massager that was plugged in also and used it on her clit. Of course, she had a rocking orgasm. That was loads of fun. There was fucking, blow jobs, and orgasms in between – and I’m a bad blogger for not taking notes! *hangs head* I was just not up to writing last week.

There hasn’t been anything to report for the past few days as MasterDoc has been away. I miss him, but it’s like a wee vacation to not have to take care of him for a bit. (I just have to take care of me, which is a job unto itself!) Before he left, I actually deliberately got myself into piss play with him. Now, piss play was not really the desired activity for me, but humiliation was. Yes, humiliation can be hot. I can get a hankering for some play what leaves me feeling manageably humiliated.

When he talked about doing one of his new favorite things – pissing into my (well, any willing lady’s) ass using a funnel – I think I found it agreeable that evening because it would mean the pee would be far away from my head. I knelt in the bathtub, using a vibe on my clit and he inserted the funnel. He did a lot of dirty talking about me being a filthy piss slut, which isn’t really hot for me. I know, that’s totally odd since I was going for humiliation! I think being forced to really think about the piss aspect of it turns me off. I could feel it a bit as he peed and it made its way down the funnel neck. I think I managed to come a little bit for a short period of time, but it wasn’t particularly orgasmic. When the piss ran down onto my hands, that was kinda the end of orgasm potential for me.

I washed up and joined in him the bedroom. It felt like there was some residual piss in there, which MasterDoc tried to assure me was not likely. A little bit came out when I used the toilet next. I had gas for the rest of the evening! It seems air got forced in there or the urine stimulated something. I have no idea. I think we went on to do some pretty hot stuff, but I can’t recall. Of course the icky part is still fresh in my memory. Oy.

Daisy is coming over again this Tuesday (and I’m off from work again) but MasterDoc may be too jetlagged to join in. I’m sure Daisy and I can manage to have fun by ourselves while MasterDoc watches drowsily.

Share

Awesomeness

Published on May 3, 2013 in bdsm, blow jobs, bondage, D/s, happy, kink, restraints, sadism, sex, sex toys and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Shane reminded me of how awesome he is on Wednesday, and last night MasterDoc did the same. When you’re with someone for a while (nearly six years for me and MasterDoc!) sometimes sex is a bit…  less passionate than it can be. You live together, both of you worked, you’re tired. But when that happens we try to revitalize it (and I remind myself that having amazing sex 90% of the time still puts me way ahead in the sexual happiness department than many people).

He had me put on my wrist cuffs in addition to my collar — which I always wear when we play — followed by a blindfold. He connected the two cuffs behind my back as I sat on the edge of his bed. He cropped my nipples and thighs. I hate when he flicks my nipples with the leather end of the crop. (I hate when he flicks them with his fingers too! I tend to prefer squeezing or twisting them.) He fluttered the end of the crop between my thighs near my pussy. I could only open my legs so far as I balanced myself with my hands behind my back.

He had me move back to lay on the bed, and I got clever (read: smartassy) and ran the connected cuffs under my butt and then drew my legs through so the cuffs were in front. Ta da! Submissive party trick.

MasterDoc got between my legs with the magic wand. After a little warm up with it on my clit, he worked fingers inside. I wonder how many. (I still haven’t asked.) His hands are large, so it was probably only two thick fingers, but it felt like a small fist. (I’ve never actually been fisted. But I have fisted a woman on one occasion. It’s here somewhere on the blog. I can’t be arsed to look it up just now. I do enough searching at work.) He gave me control of  the wand at one point and between his expert finger movements stimulating my g-spot and the wand on my clit I had an orgasm. No, I don’t think the word orgasm does it justice. I couldn’t think for most of it. The pleasure took me to another plane entirely. (And the blindfold came off as I thrashed about.) But, and this is kinda funny, the moments when the orgasm ebbed enough for me to regain thought processes I found myself wondering, “How am I going to describe this orgasm on the blog? What words could possibly wor… OH MY GOD!!”

I’m always thinking of you guys, you know. ;-)

I rode that orgasm for all it was worth. I wrung every last bit of it out of my body. I eventually switched off the wand in exhaustion. As I lay there recovering MasterDoc was smiling as he knew I was in a very happy place.

We cuddled, and when I regained energy I started playing with his cock with my hands. I massaged it until it was hard. I’ve developed a skill for playing with cocks – granted this skill was helped along by input from both MasterDoc and Shane along the way. Future male sexual partners of mine should thank them. I’m sure they’d accept cash.

I sucked his cock for a while. He forced my head down and his thighs covered my nose as he pushed his pelvis upward for deep throating. I like how it leaves me feeling a wee bit lightheaded. When I am visibly quite lightheaded after doing it a few times, he pulls me up into a cuddle.

He fucked me after that, of course. And as I was well warmed up it was fabulous. He went on for a while and I could barely unfold my legs when I could lay down from the doggy-style position I had been in. I suppose sex that leaves you feeling like you had a workout along with taking some sort of wonderful drugs is ideal, eh? My mood was fucking fabulous after my evening with MasterDoc.

Share

Ruminations, then Rationality

Published on May 2, 2013 in blow jobs, cunnilingus, dating, embarrassment, emotions, musings, non-monogamy, orgasm denial, poly, sex and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Well, as quickly as he breezed into my life it seems that the guy from my last blog entry has breezed out. It was much to my surprise, as he said many things that led me to believe he’d hang around for a bit, but I haven’t heard a thing from him since he walked out my door Sunday and he didn’t reply to two IMs I sent this week. It would have been nice to at least get a, “Thanks for the glowing review on your blog!”

So I ruminated for a couple of days (my brain could win a gold medal for it if the Olympics would only include rumination), felt disappointed, and then my rational brain kicked in (after my friend DivaSub acted as my rational brain in a few IM discussions about the matter). I have no idea why he’s blown me off. I will likely never know. It could be for any one of myriad reasons – some that have to do with me, many that don’t. In the end, I realized it doesn’t matter.

I felt disappointed because I liked him, I had fun with him, he has a nice cock and knows what he’s doing in bed. Then I realized….

I have two men in my life who have nice cocks, know what they’re doing in bed and I have a lot of fun with. TWO. And they care about me very much.

This made me think of a saying I learned from MasterDoc, “What do you want, egg in your beer?!”

Sure, I don’t get enough time with the two of them to make sure all my sexual needs are being met every week, but as DivaSub pointed out – there will be other men. This was hard to acknowledge at first because I felt excited about another guy recently who just went poof. In this case (the South African guy I mentioned here), I went back to his place after many caveats from him that he had very little sleep that week and had sex that morning with his regular lady. I acknowledged and accepted this. I ended up going down on him, and while that went well at first (again, a guy with a lovely penis) I accidentally gagged at one point and this sound turns him off – so his cock went soft. I was cool about it as these things happen. No big deal in my mind. We’d do it another time when he had had more rest. He gave me cab fare home so I didn’t have to spend an hour on the subway, which was nice of him, and I sent him a friendly email a day or two later to demonstrate I had no issues with what happened. I got a terse response that was his way of blowing me off.

So I’m feeling a bit disappointed, annoyed and dispirited.

However, last night I saw Shane for the first time in three weeks. And he reminded me of how lucky I am as he teased my nipples, then gave me a back massage that, in the end, felt emotionally therapeutic as well as physically. After the massage, he started giving my pussy a massage and fingering. He had me flip over and he went down on me. For once, he teased the hell out of me, bringing me to the verge of orgasm then lessening the intensity of his tongue strokes. It was frustrating, but I knew that in the end I’d come even harder for it. (I did.) We were both pretty tired, so in the end we didn’t fuck but I did play with his cock with my hands for a while. He thought I was teasing him back but in reality I was just enjoying playing with his cock. I added my mouth to the mix and between hands and tongue I made him come.

 

Share

First Time with the New Guy

Published on April 28, 2013 in bdsm, blow jobs, cunnilingus, dating, horny, kink, masochism, non-monogamy, sex, sex toys, shio, spanking, squirting and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

After a week of building sexual tension between us, I saw the younger guy again last night. He didn’t really give me an answer when I asked what he wants to be called here, so I’m just going to leave him mysteriously nameless for now.

We met for some food and good beer at a place near me, then headed back to my place. DeeDee was out but he met MasterDoc briefly. I gave this guy a quick tour of the apartment – which of course ended at my bedroom. We didn’t leave it for the rest of the night.

While he turned me on enormously as we made out the week before, I didn’t know if he would turn out to have skills. It’s hard to tell until you get down and dirty. Well, let me tell you – he has skills.

Mad skillz as some might say.

He picked me up and tossed me onto the bed. Either I lifted my dress or he did, and he got down to lick my pussy through my sexy panties. He soon pulled them aside and went down on me. I came pretty quickly. I don’t think I squirted the first time I came while he was doing this, but he did it for a while and I definitely squirted the second or third time. He insisted that I make eye contact with him. I have a very hard time keeping my eyes from clamping shut when I’m aroused or coming – but I did my best and it was hot looking into his eyes. After this, I was well and truly warmed up and ready to go.

I’ve found that the best lovers I’ve had are usually guys who go down on me before getting me to go down on them. There’s a few exceptions (I think MasterDoc is one, actually.) but it’s a decent barometer of how a guy will be sexually.

I went for his pants, undid them and started sucking his very nice, big cock. (He feels most comfortable in magnum condoms, which is actually true for MasterDoc and Shane as well. I’m not a size queen, I’m just lucky.) He pulled me to the floor so that I was kneeling at cock height and I was surprised  how my knees didn’t bother me for a while. I was too distracted giving the blow job my all. It was hot. He talks a fair amount during sex and this helped spur me on. It was a sloppy, wet blow job complete with a little gagging, ball sucking and making eye contact.

When my knees started to hurt, we moved to the bed and I rode him. I had worked yesterday so I was worried that I’d get tired easily but I was having too much fun and too many orgasms to stop. He had his hand at my throat many times. (We had spoken about this during the week and I expressed that I love the hand at the throat, even with a little gripping, but I don’t want to be choked out. He told me that I only needed to tap his arm in this situation and he’d back off. I didn’t need to ultimately.) He did some face slapping too, and it was pretty clear that these things would get me worked up more. I came a few times, I think, before he asked if I wanted him to come with me. I definitely did and we fucked until he came too.

We took a break and talked for a while. I genuinely enjoy spending time with him, not just fucking him. There’s a lot to like about him. But after a bit he started to kiss me again and we went for another round.

He went down on me again, made me squirt again, I’m pretty sure I went down on him again and this time he fucked me from on top. I spoke much more than I usually do during sex – partly because he’s a new partner and it’s good to express how things feel, and partly because he does a lot of it. It was nice. He pinned me down, which always does it for me. Again, he made me come a bunch of times, then asked if I wanted him to come. Definitely! Sex is hottest when both people are feeling very, very good. (Although orgasms don’t have to happen for this to be true, it certainly is awesome if there’s orgasms.)

After he came, we lay in my bed talking again. Somehow he ended up showing me some of late comedian Patrice O’Neal’s stuff on my laptop. We both got drowsy and went to sleep.

I slept fitfully as I’m not used to sleeping with someone in my full-sized bed, but that’s not truly a complaint. We woke up fairly early for a Sunday and fooled around again. He asked where my Hitachi magic wand was and I grabbed it from beside my bed. I also grabbed the lube as I was into the stroking and light pussy slapping he did before the magic wand but wasn’t getting wet fast enough. He teased me with the wand for a bit – turning it off when I sounded close to orgasm. I held apart my pussy lips and he finally made me come with the wand.

I went down on him for a bit and, with both of us worked up, we fucked again. I suggested doggy style as we hadn’t gotten to that the night before. There was a little spanking involved. I came easily again, but needed lube after a bit. He reached for it himself before I even decided to ask for it. He poured a little on my asshole and then got to my pussy. He fucked me some more and slowly worked his finger into my ass. This felt great. I came some more, and after a while he did too.

We had a little breakfast and he needed to head out. I hope that we can do this all again sometime soon. I had a fantastic time.

Share

Thoughts on Cougars

Published on April 22, 2013 in attraction, dating, musings and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

I’m a 40-year-old woman who tends to go for people around my age or older for dating and sex. Despite enjoying the Mrs. Robinson fantasy when I was too young to engage in it (in my 20s!) I’ve lost the specific desire to be what is now termed a cougar. If you’ve been reading here since the beginning, you may remember my incredibly disappointing foray into sex with a 24-year-old when I was 34.

I couldn’t help but think of the term cougar when I had a date on Saturday with a 28-year-old guy. I don’t rule out guys in their 20s, although I would think twice about one under 25. (And I did instantly rule out the 18-year-old high school senior who sent me a note on the dating site recently. I just can’t imagine hooking up with someone that young even if it is legal.) This guy wrote an intelligent, respectful first message while still managing to make it clear that he’s up for what I can offer right now (friends with benefits/ a casual relationship) and “In the end it would be nice to express my dominant side on a willing submissive who at the end of the day can still be a strong woman out of bed.” Regardless of age, he sent an introductory note that caught my attention. Smart guys know that even kinky sluts like being approached like human beings.

The date went great. We have chemistry. He’s intelligent and interesting. We’ve been IMing and texting ever since, both eager for Saturday to get here because that’s when we next have plans. I rode home on the subway, tipsy, and feeling so horny that I was checking out every attractive person in the car and randomly smiling as fantasies of fucking him crossed my mind. We made out by the subway turnstile before saying goodbye, and he picked me up at one point and held me there – my legs wrapped around him. Even when I was around 28 and last dating 28-year-olds they couldn’t pick me up with an extra 50 lbs. on my body. Now I’m slimmer than ever, and he’s young and strong. Rowr.

So of course this gets me pondering this whole cougar phenomenon. I’m not fond of the term. Obviously, I have no issue with older women and younger men getting it on. As long as everyone is an adult and a happy participant, then people should go ahead and enjoy fucking (or dating) each other. No, the problem I have is with the way cougars are described and viewed.

They’re generally portrayed as women over 35 who prey on young men to satisfy their sexual needs. The whole predatory thing is linked to how we view women’s sexuality – and the sexuality of older people. (Older men who go after younger women or express their desire for sex are often considered “dirty old men.”) The notion that a younger man wouldn’t, of his own accord, go after an older woman is tied to our devaluing and desexualizing older women. (Generally women over 40.) So these “older” women who go for younger men are considered bad, aberrant and predatory. As usual, our culture is harder on women than men – the fact that I’m 18 years younger than MasterDoc is more socially acceptable than my being 12 years older than this guy I’ve just met.

So I won’t call myself a cougar – partly because I don’t go out of my way to meet younger men and partly because I find the term offensive. It’s time we accept that adults of various ages like having sex with other adults of various ages – close to their age, younger, and older.

Share

Review: Love Bites Gloves

Published on April 21, 2013 in reviews, sex toys, Uncategorized and vampire gloves. 0 Comments

MasterDoc found these new vampire gloves online – with an offer to send a pair to bloggers who will review them. While I don’t do much reviewing lately, I was definitely up for the chance to try out vampire gloves that you can wash.

All the vampire gloves I’ve seen on the market are leather gloves with spikes. It’s possible to draw blood with vampire gloves, therefore it’s risky to share them with people who are not fluid-bonded. You can’t adequately clean them for sharing. We have a pair of leather ones and compared both. (MasterDoc has indicated that after enough time unused, it is probably safe to use the leather ones on someone else. However, we haven’t researched the details of what is safe so I won’t advise you to do this. Best to play it safe.)

Love Bites are knit gloves with spikes placed in the fingertips and palm. You can wash them by hand (which I did) or put them in a delicates bag and machine wash on cold. However, only air dry them as heat loosens the glue for the spikes. These gloves are ideal for vegans as there’s no leather or other animal products.

Overall, I really liked these. In a side-by-side comparison they were less sharp than the other pair we own, but more than adequate to cause pain or draw blood (or do some tickling, depending on how you use them). MasterDoc says the knit glove is somewhat more difficult to get on. The real selling points to these are the price point – they start at $20, whereas the leather ones I bought were $49 – and the ability to wash them. Even if you’re not using them on more than one partner, it’s really nice to be able to clean them in between uses. While I had to be careful, it wasn’t overly difficult to keep from sticking myself as I washed them. I did them as I washed my delicates in the sink and hung them up to dry next to them.

There’s a few different styles available – we got the chenille XL ones. (Because MasterDoc has ginormous hands.) There are a few videos on the site about the gloves. If you’re in the market for vampire gloves, I recommend these – especially if being able to clean the gloves is important to you.

Share

Vampire Gloves and Electrical Shocks

Published on April 20, 2013 in anal, bdsm, blow jobs, D/s, edge play, electrosex/tens unit, kink, masochism, sadism, sex toys, submissive, Uncategorized and vampire gloves. 0 Comments

I got to enjoy a date night with MasterDoc last night. We went out to eat, which is something MasterDoc is not often up for. (For those who know him, yes, there was a Groupon involved.) I put a lot of effort into looking my best and felt pretty hot in my new, curve hugging dress.

After filling up on delicious Indian food, we had the apartment to ourselves while DeeDee is away for the weekend. As he parked the car after dinner, I set up the bedroom. Basic set up always includes putting down the Fascinator throe (in case of squirting), setting out condoms, lube, either the Hitachi Magic Wand or the Wahl massager, my collar and any other toys that I take a fancy to (which he is not guaranteed to use, but I’m welcome to suggest things in that fashion), and any that he listed on the set up sheet. (Copies of the set up sheet reside next to the binder detailing where all the toys are. I just love having so many sex toys that our drawers need a schematic to keep track of everything.)

I put out the two sets of vampire gloves we now have. The leather pair, which I had bought for MasterDoc’s birthday a few years ago and the knit pair, which I recently received to review. (Review is past due. I should write it as soon as possible.) This was the first time we compared the two, and the leather pair are definitely sharper. He grasped various body parts, ran the spikes along various body parts. The sensation was truly unique. I couldn’t decide if it tickled or hurt – and it was really some sort of strange sensation that’s a mixture of the two. I squealed almost constantly. I writhed from the tickling aspect and he smiled with glee. Occasionally, when it just plain hurt, I’d cry out, “Ow ow ow ow!”

I have a couple of small scratches on my chest this morning from the gloves.

He’s taken to biting me a bit and I really like it. It makes me squeal and writhe just like the gloves. I played with his cock for a bit, rubbing it over my face and taking it down my throat as he pushed my head down.

The next toy to come out was the TENS unit. We haven’t used one in a few years (!) but it was a regular toy when we first met. Again, the sensation can’t be described simply as pain. The pulsing electrical sensation lies somewhere between a vibrator and pain. He put a pad on either side of my clit and then two on either side of one nipple. (Never put electrodes on either side of the chest so that the current runs across. Theoretically dangerous for the heart. Always put the two opposing electrodes on one side of the chest or the other.) The TENS caused more writhing. It hurt, but it also felt good at the same time. At one point I said, “I truly have a love-hate relationship with you hurting me.”

Before he headed off for a bathroom break, he ordered me on my knees on the bed and told me I could use the vibe. I ran the Wahl over my clit. I was already pretty wet from the vampire gloves and TENS play. Upon his return he remarked, “What a lovely view,” and watched me for a moment. Then he lubed up my asshole and worked the Njoy butt plug in. (It had been missing for a few months. I’m so glad he found it!) I continued to use the Wahl and he grasped my ass cheeks and massaged. I really wanted to come.

My body’s reactions are returning to normal after the depression, although they’re not quite there yet. Coming was still a bit of an effort but much less than recently. I came the hardest when he slid his fingers into my pussy and probed my g-spot while the plug was in my ass, and I continued to use the vibe on my clit. Holy fuck did THAT feel good.

We took a break and didn’t get back to sex, but what a fantastic night! He told me that he’s so happy to own me, and I told him that I’m so glad he owns me too. Ah, D/s love.

Share

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Published on April 17, 2013 in anger, anxiety, bdsm, crazy, depression, emotions, mental illness, musings, stress and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

I’ve been remiss in blogging lately not out of laziness or feeling burnt out on blogging (for once!) but because I’ve been dealing with the longest depressive episode I’ve had in a long time. I’ve been struggling with my mood for about two and a half weeks now. And while I’ve had some sex during that time, it’s been frustrating because I’ve been experiencing anhedonia. And it’s not just a mental problem with experiencing pleasure, but my physical ability to feel sexual pleasure has been diminished too. Thankfully,  I do eventually orgasm but for much of the sexual experience it feels like I’m being stimulated through a thin blanket or something. It feels good, but no where near what I normally feel. Getting to orgasm is a struggle and sometimes the initial orgasm doesn’t really feel all that good.

On the other hand, the diminished sensation meant that I could take a harder beating than usual. (And, indeed, needed it harder to get any sort of endorphin release.) I felt so sad on Sunday when, after a beating and orgasm with MasterDoc, I felt both better and just as miserable as before — at the same time.

I’ve had no energy or interest in most things and often sat staring into space trying to figure out what I wanted to do with myself. I took two sick days last week to try to deal with this. It’s been pretty awful. I’ve popped more xanax over this past week than the past six months combined, I think. And while I’m still taking a small dose, it seems like I’m suddenly taking so much.

Thankfully, it’s starting to lift. I only took one small dose of xanax yesterday and none today at all. Hooray! I feel really tired though. It’s exhausting to feel miserable AND it’s exhausting to put on the normal act when I’ve needed to. I hope to get back to exercising tomorrow though, as the activity can only help along this improvement. (I’ve done very little exercise, but have managed yoga a couple of times over the past week.)

The trigger for all this misery was having to deal with my mother – and stories about my mother’s horrible behavior – much more than usual. My Aunt (Alexandra’s mom and my mother’s older sister) has been hospitalized. I’ve been giving Alexandra as much support as I can as this has given her a lot of stress and a lot of responsibility. Shane has given her a ton of support – but going with Alexandra to see her mother meant he got to meet both of his girlfriend’s mothers at the same time. (I imagine the monogamists out there feeling glee that they won’t ever be in that situation.) As well as finding out what a bitch my mother is.

My mother is a very, very selfish woman. She gaslights people as easily as she breathes air. Hearing about her selfishness and accompanying antics through Alexandra and Shane brought back a ton of anger I’ve had for her. Anger that had mellowed into pity through avoiding most contact with her. I see her at Christmas. I call her on her birthday. But mostly I avoid her. And she doesn’t really bother to reach out to me much. Unfortunately, her birthday also fell in the midst of all this and the obligatory phone call to her pissed me off as she focused on just how taxing it has been on her visiting my Aunt in the hospital. It reminded me of the one event I have sworn time and time again that I will never forgive her for – when I was 13 I attempted suicide. And as she drove me to the emergency department she said, “Why are you doing this to me?”

To her. I drank a bunch of flouride rinse (pretty weak way to try suicide but then I didn’t actually want to die). I didn’t pour it down her throat. Here I was, in so much pain that I tried to poison myself (Heh, with flouride. The nurse in the emergency department did say it could have reacted with something else in my stomach and caused a problem though. I was introduced to the joys of ipecac that night. Yuck!) and my mother was focused on how it was affecting her.

Sigh.

I hope that, even if I still hear tales of my mother trying to do things like get a hold of my Aunt’s finances I’ll be able to let it pass. (My mother has a spending problem. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back in her marriage to my dad.) Thankfully I now have a stable, loving family who I live with. MasterDoc has been very supportive, as he always is when I’m depressed. It’s hard to hear your dominant say that he feels helpless though. When I’m severely depressed, I don’t think anyone who cares could feel anything other than helpless. When you can’t feel pleasure, someone trying to cheer you up will have little effect.

Share