Every so often over the past few weeks, I’d think that I really should post here since the last post was July 25. Earlier this month I wrote up a draft of a post that has sat on my desktop in an Open Office document called “Update.” I’d gaze at it while I opened up The Sims Medieval for the millionth time to escape my brain. Finally, here’s an edited version of that draft.
Sorry I’ve been scarce for nearly two months now. First I was busy gallivanting around a European country with DeeDee for eight days. (We had a fabulous time, but I didn’t have any sexcapades to share.)
Next, came a yeast infection from finally treating a sinus infection I had been hoping would go away for weeks. (Hoping is not an effective method of treatment. If the neti pot doesn’t clear it all up within a week or so, I need to get my ass to a doctor.) When I saw the ENT doctor again a week later he apologized for the infection that resulted from the strong antibiotics and promptly prescribed diflucan. Within a few days my pussy got back to normal.
There was hot sex a couple of times in between those two things. And when the three of us spent a long weekend in Virginia, MasterDoc decided he and I were going to go to a swing party. (DeeDee wasn’t feeling well.) I wasn’t jazzed but we went and I had a decent time. I enjoyed having sex with one polite, attractive, young black man MasterDoc selected due to his manners while indicating a clear interest in me. It was a good fuck.
Unfortunately, a swing situation with a couple that MasterDoc set up the day after triggered my post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) worse than I’ve ever had it triggered. For a solid two weeks I felt just like I did in the months following both the rape and the sexual assault. I felt like I would never want to have sex with anyone ever again. I felt alone and like I had no one I could share my feelings with. I couldn’t verbalize most of my feelings.
The couple and the actual swinging weren’t, I think, the root of my triggering. I think it was just a bad time for my brain to handle that sort of situation. I didn’t want to be there at all, and I felt powerless when I couldn’t convey to MasterDoc that no, really, I’m not just reluctant, I’m not ok with this. I couldn’t really articulate what I was feeling to myself. While I felt disbelief that it was actually happening despite my stating I didn’t want to, I didn’t even think that it was going to result in triggering. (Actually, I think the triggering started because I felt so powerless to stop it from happening in the first place.) I came a few times, squirted a river even, but the whole time I wished I could be somewhere else. It left me with a lot of depression and anger.
It’s been rocky. I’ve required a lot of xanax. I had to work things out with MasterDoc as he didn’t initially realize that I was triggered so he treated me like I was being bratty. A submissive who’s being bratty is pretty much handled the exact opposite as you would handle a submissive who has triggered PTSD. I finally got to the point where I realized that while it’s fine I’ve felt anger about the ways in which he fucked up (and all the fuck ups were TOTALLY unintentional, the man is human, he makes mistakes like us all), from the moment he realized what was really going on with me he has been nothing but supportive. I’ve slowly remembered why I trust him so much usually, and this expanding trust has allowed me first to seek comfort in his hugs and cuddles; and next in the form of assisted masturbation which was incredibly hot as I made up for two weeks of feeling freaked out about sex and not having orgasms. (Except the one time I had masturbated alone a few days before.) Assisted masturbation is the term we use when one of us gets ourselves off while the other one touches, kisses, verbally encourages and, in this case, he pulled my hair a bit. It felt amazing to come with his body pressed up against mine again.
The healing process moved along well for a while. We did have some good sex in there, but somehow I ended up feeling a bit triggered again late last week. Despite knowing that the triggering was a fluke, I still have feelings of not being able to trust MasterDoc to take adequate care of me. It’s so unsettling to feel that way about the person you usually trust the most. I’m also dealing with a particularly bad sinus infection again. My body and my mind are a mess lately. I am exhausted.
With all the silence from me the past few weeks, you haven’t missed anything good.