I thought I’d check in with you all. I haven’t felt like writing while I go through the “discontinuation syndrome” that goes along with gradually decreasing my zoloft dose (with the goal of getting off it entirely). It’s so funny how the pharmaceutical companies like to spin it as “discontinuation syndrome.” Last I checked withdrawal was the word regular people used.
I did well going from 100 mg per day to 75 mg. I hit a little random endogenous depression midway through that week but it wasn’t bad. Then I decreased the dose to 50 mg on Friday and all hell broke loose. By Sunday I was angry at everyone and everything. I don’t know how MasterDoc put up with me. Monday and Tuesday were spent home “sick” while I felt all weird, anxious and crazy. I was afraid that if I went out in public for long that something would set off my anger or I’d freak out, or something. I wandered the apartment agitated for much of Monday. I couldn’t focus on any one thing. I felt depressed and pondered suicide because I felt such despair over the idea of having these depressive bouts for the rest of my life. I felt like doing self-harm. (But I have strict orders from MasterDoc not to damage his property.)
MasterDoc has asked me to state clearly that this is my experience with zoloft – not everyone reacts this way. I’m sure there are people who find their depression controlled while on zoloft, whereas I’ve heard of others with a similar reaction to mine. For me, prozac seemed to help reduce the length and severity of my depression for several years until it stopped working. I hoped that just changing drugs would help but it’s made me feel like I’ve felt at my worst; I haven’t felt this badly since high school or thereabouts.
Thankfully, I have sick time and can take a day or two off as needed. Yesterday in the afternoon it was as if a fever broke – I suddenly felt like I could handle things again. I don’t feel totally ok, but I stopped being worried I would lose control of the facade out in public. I made it through a whole work day today and was actually really productive. I hope this means my brain has adjusted to the lower dose. I plan to keep on it a bit longer than I did the previous dose.
In the meantime, MasterDoc has found us what he likes to call a serving girl. Camy is a young submissive who was looking for friends on one of the kink websites. She wanted to see a poly, D/S based household and on a whim, MasterDoc invited her over to watch him play with a couple of play partners. During the course of that day (I came home in the afternoon after the two ladies from his tryst were gone) he suggested that she work for us doing domestic stuff while DeeDee is away on a trip. She made dinner that night and cleaned up. MasterDoc is paying her for the time she spends working, but she’s a service-inclined submissive and she likes to cook. He bemoans that he offered to pay her BEFORE he gave her orgasms that he thinks would have had her working for free (how’s that for confidence!). She’s adorable and very sweet as well. While I’m struggling through the “discontinuation syndrome” (Ha! That term is starting to crack me up) she’ll come over a couple of times a week to work for us (and likely less often down the road also).
My libido is still mostly crappy but we have had sex. I’m having even worse dryness than usual thanks to whatever drug is causing it. Intercourse can be uncomfortable, but orgasms still make me feel much better. I find that sex with MasterDoc is still a wonderful reprieve from feeling crazy and at loose ends. Shane was over last week and I started getting hot as we fooled around. He figured that since I had had sex recently he wanted getting his dick sucked to come first. Fair enough. But without physical stimulation to my body I found that I wasn’t horny and interested in sex after getting him off. He was up for whatever I wanted, and in the end a back massage was my biggest desire.
A thought: We stigmatize mental illness because at its worst it’s frightening to deal with a mentally ill person. But most people with a mental illness, except at their very worst, are not usually going to show signs of it around people like coworkers or even family and friends. Because of the stigma attached, I didn’t go into work and say, “Yeah I was going crazy from reducing my zoloft dose,” regarding the days I took off. But really, how is this different from someone with any (other) physical chronic condition? Sometimes it’s under control… other times it’s not and when I’m ill enough I take a sick day. Big deal. Seriously, let’s stop making this such a big deal.










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