Diary of a Kinky Librarian

Wednesdays with Shane

Published on December 4, 2011 in blow jobs, consent, dating, sex and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

I’ve been lax keeping up with blogging. I’m sure you’re just so surprised.

I had a good week. Shane came over for our Wednesday night together. DeeDee and MasterDoc were both out of the house for the night. It’s awesome how I can do so many of my favorite things – hanging out at home, ordering food rather than cooking, having hot sex, cuddling, watching something funny on Netflix – when I hang out with him. I need to get my ass over to the store he owns, however, as he’d really like me to see it and I’ve been slow to plan a time to get there. Life is busy! I was going to go today until I realized this is one of the Sundays that I work. Ugh. I need to figure out another day.

Shane is very talented with his fingers. He can easily make me come by stroking my clit, which he did that evening. But I should backtrack, since the early part of the evening consisted of me giving him head on the sofa in the living room. It’s not easy to make him come (MasterDoc is the same way) and of course I enjoy making my partners feel good, so I threw myself into the blow job with gusto. I thought his arousal was building towards orgasm, so I kept going, choking myself on his cock in the process (which you pervs all know I enjoy). It was a sloppy, wet blow job, but my gagging worried him so he told me to stop. He’s into the whole women choking on his cock thing himself, but he realized that I was gagging like crazy and he wasn’t even moving – I was doing it to myself.

You can’t say I’m not enthusiastic.

He checked in on me and I was fine. Drool ran down the sides of my mouth, but that was inconsequential when I thought I could get him to come. I mean, it was pretty hot even. We resumed after he was confident I wasn’t going to choke myself to death. Like the good, consent-seeking man he is, he told me he wanted to come in my mouth to make sure that if I had objections I had a chance to voice them before he did so. I let very few men come in my mouth. I worry that having semen in my mouth would be much riskier than just giving a blow job when it comes to sexually transmitted infections. But I trust Shane to take care of his sexual health, and that of his partners. As a finishing touch, before I washed his come down with some soda, I wiped up the last remaining drop on his cock with my fingertip and licked it off.

We watched some more tv, but I was feeling horny and suggested we head to the bedroom. This was when he made me come with his fingers, and we fucked. I’m pretty sure I got on top, but since this is a few days later the memory is sorta fuzzy.

I feel like this post should be titled, “Lame-ass sex blogger has sex but barely writes about it.” (Apologies to anyone offended by my use of the word lame to describe something weak or dumb. I realize it’s ableist language.)

He slept over, and a few times I think he talked in his sleep. Since I sleep with earplugs in, I couldn’t make out a word of it. His sleep schedule is so different than mine that it’s notable that he got up and out of the house early for me (you need a key to lock the door behind you, and no one was home to lock up after him). I made him coffee to help with the painful act of waking around 8 am. (I woke earlier so I could get ready for work.) He didn’t get up until shortly before I needed to leave, so I loaned him my travel mug. Can’t have the boy falling asleep on his drive home.

Brimstone Reflections, Part III

Published on November 29, 2011 in assault, bdsm, Brimstone, consent, D/s, kink, musings, sexuality, stupid people, submissive and Uncategorized. 2 Comments

Perhaps the class that moved me the most was the workshop with Laura Antoniou. (Author of The Marketplace novels.) MasterDoc attended her class the day before on becoming a better dominant. He really enjoyed it and decided to assign DeeDee and I to go to the corollary submissive one the next day. Laura is really down to earth about bdsm. She points out that in real life, sometimes dinner has to be made and it’s NOT going to be the sub/slave doing it. Her novels, or any other bdsm erotica, films, etc. present fantasy – not reality. I think MasterDoc was blindsided when after the class DeeDee and I had things we want to discuss with him – unmet needs and that sort of thing. The discussion was largely about submissives being assertive about their needs, lest the relationship turn sour. She made the excellent point that “the gift of submission” is bullshit. Subs don’t do service for the thank yous, or because they think the sun shines out of the Dominant’s ass. They do it for the kinky sex! I get to play and have my fantasies fulfilled by my Dom in return for helping him with his life. And the truth is, he helps me in my life too.

Early on, she discussed the exercise of writing down 100 things you can offer as service. She encouraged us (and the Doms in their session) to break out of the “housework” box! There’s many other ways a sub can serve. For instance, when MasterDoc needs library books or something quickly looked up online, he turns to me. It’s something I’m good at and do all the time and I can provide that service to make his life easier. I think I’d like to take this on as an exercise. I may just walk away from it feeling pretty damn good about my talents. (Another exercise I might work on is what sort of puppy I’d be, and what I’d be called as a puppy.)

For most of the weekend, I reflected on how tolerant, respectful and loving the bdsm community can be. We’re fed this tale that bdsm is bad and religious people are the ones offering love and acceptance. Bullshit. There are tons of varied kinks but since we’re all reviled or denigrated in some way because of our kinks we come together to provide a place where we can just be ourselves for a few days. I see many transgender people at these events – is it that trans people are more kinky or is it simply that they find acceptance (and safety from violence) within the bdsm community?

There was a spa set up with people offering massages. I received a massage on Saturday night after our scene. While the entirety of my life experience with men made me a bit nervous to let a stranger massage me, I realized that most of the time I feel safer around kinkster men since there’s such a big emphasis on consent, respect and safety. The amateur masseuse was totally professional and respectful. My own issues with being able to articulate what I want became a problem as he did a fairly gentle massage that felt nice but didn’t leave my muscles relaxed like a more vigorous one. Not speaking up was my fault. MasterDoc and I identified this as something I need to work on in general – voicing my needs.

Just before I went away I finally heard from someone who worked for the Geeky Kink Event. If this person’s account is accurate, they handled things fairly well – except of course for getting in touch with me and telling me what was going on. One of them wanted to keep the dickhead from presenting but was outvoted. The guy who assaulted me tried to claim in a comment on Good Vibrations that, “It was concluded that she (me) described a consensual act, not assault.” That’s not at all what I heard from the event representative. I was told there were many sanctions placed on his behavior and if he was drunk or otherwise inappropriate he would be tossed out. There was concern and they took my complaints seriously. However, I do wonder at the fact that I asked if I could quote parts of their explanation to me – and they never replied. This paraphrasing will do. But quoting their own words would be more powerful. It makes me wonder if they don’t stand by their claims. Also, the representative claimed that he told my assailant that there were several complaints – but he figured out it was me right away. (I make no secret of my problem with him.) I knew that I took that risk when I spoke up. It was an overall lousy experience with this, but not as bad as some past ones. I offered to put them in touch with people who were in the room that night, as well as others who have had a variety of problems with him. They haven’t taken me up on it as of yet.

Brimstone Reflections, Part II

Published on November 29, 2011 in bdsm, Brimstone, consent, D/s, humiliation play, kink, musings, random thoughts, sexuality, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

We had some hot sex and scenes while away for the weekend. He used the clover clamps on my nipples two days in a row – something my nipples don’t usually have to deal with! Friday night we fooled around in our hotel room. We had spent time reconnecting and talking about my frustrations.

As he made me aroused while the clamps bit into my nipples Friday night, he said slyly, “You like the pain, don’t you?” It was a rhetorical question but one that made me feel a little embarrassed by my kink but also one that turned me on since it’s clear I’m such a dirty girl.

The following night we played in the dungeon. MasterDoc bought a new candle for wax play, one designed for that use. (It doesn’t burn as hot as regular candles.) I lay on a massage table and he teased me, aroused me, hurt me and made me come so hard. I wonder how many people looked over when I was making so much noise during orgasm. MasterDoc had originally planned to, I think, show off by having both DeeDee and I in a scene with him. Since I was having so much stress, he kept the play to just himself and me. I appreciate that he recognized that I needed special attention.

The classes at the event were interesting. We missed a few here and there and I think flexibility is needed at these events. If there’s something you really want to get to, make the time for it. But otherwise be willing to go get lunch instead of attending another class if that’s what comes up. We went to some together, and some apart.

I’ve gotten curious about such forms of play as age play and puppy play, so I went to some classes on them. I was definitely one of those people freaked out by age play when I first heard of it. The idea of someone playing the role of a young person in a sexual situation brings up thoughts of incest (ick) and pedophilia (ick), but age play is NOT either of those. It is consenting adults role playing. Over time, I’ve come to see that playing non-sexually as a young girl could be very freeing for me. Being a child and handing over your well-being to a grown up is pretty much on par with being a Dominant and submissive. Age play seems like it could be very nurturing, and would give grown up me a break from making decisions and taking care of myself. Also, considering I’m a grown woman who still sleeps with her teddy bear and blanky, I’d be a natural for this.

Only this weekend did I start to consider age play where I’d be in the role of a teen girl. As I reflected on this, I realized that as a teenager I was incredibly horny! I would masturbate more than once a day. I was eager to learn about the entire spectrum of sexuality. Emotionally at that time I wasn’t ready for a relationship or sex. But going back, playing the horny yet innocent teen discovering sex at the hands of a grown man (while I’m actually an experienced adult) could be very hot play indeed.

Puppy play is a little different, but again I was struck by how it’s just another form of Dominance and submission. There can be a dehumanizing aspect to puppy play, but it’s one of those rare times when being dehumanized isn’t necessarily bad. If you get into the role of puppy, you can stop (for a while) thinking about adult human stuff. You can just be a playful, affectionate creature without human concerns. You hand over your well being to a trainer or owner. Please note that these things are play – they are temporary. Engaging in puppy play doesn’t mean you live your entire life like a dog. You’re human.

We did a tiny bit of puppy play there. A room was set up for pony/puppy/kitty/littles play. I crawled around, got into the doghouse there and wrestled with the squeaky toy MasterDoc played fetch with. It was fun. In the class I attended (taught by the excellent Lochai), I realized that the puppy can be such an endearing character, one who brings up feelings of affection for the owner. It can be carefree play. And who doesn’t like a gentle scritch behind the ear? Hm?

We somehow accept getting shitfaced on alcohol as an appropriate way for an adult to escape their responsibilities and worries for a little while. Why would something far healthier like role play not be ok as an alternative?

Brimstone Reflections, Part I

Published on November 28, 2011 in anxiety, bdsm, Brimstone, D/s, DeeDee, masochism, musings and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

We went away to a kink event called Brimstone this weekend. I had a fabulous time. DeeDee went with her boyfriend, and I went with MasterDoc (the four of us drove down together).

Unfortunately I started off the weekend feeling neglected. MasterDoc had been busy for about four nights in a row, and it just coincided with me being a bit depressed. I was very difficult with him on Friday. But we talked and worked it out, as we always do. This weekend someone left a comment on one of my slightly older posts criticizing my being with MasterDoc. I approved the comment, this person is entitled to their opinion, but I think they don’t really see the fullness of my life with MasterDoc. (And, incidentally, while that’s his scene name he does not see himself as a Master and he’s definitely not looking for a slave. We both happily identify as Dom or sub, respectively.)

It begs the question, how full of a story does a sex blog tell? I use this like a diary sometimes, to sort out thoughts and feelings by writing about them. I vent when things are frustrating. There’s many, many mundane moments of our lives not caught here, as well as tender moments. I think it’s impossible for someone to know what my relationship is like just from reading the blog. Like any couple, we have ups and downs, but unlike many “vanilla” couples we talk, talk, talk and look for solutions. We both own when it’s our own mishegas causing the problem. We both work on becoming better partners to each other, and over time we have.

I think it’s funny when people are frustrated with their partner in a vanilla relationship it’s seen as part of having a relationship. But when a kinkster (particularly one on the bottom side of the dynamic) complains then it’s assumed they’re being abused. Being at this event this weekend brought home the fact that the reality of bdsm is so very different than the fantasy. And people who are experienced kinksters know this. I also noticed that kink is a very wide playing field, and what one person does and enjoys is not what the next person does and enjoys. Perhaps part of the problem with DeeDee’s family’s concerns is that they have read about the play I do with MasterDoc here and assume that it’s exactly what he and DeeDee to together. It’s not. I’m telling my story. I’m not telling hers. She may have a role in it, but I don’t presume to represent her. I’m quite a bit more fond of pain than DeeDee is, and of course MasterDoc’s play with her differs in this respect.

There’s also the problem with terms in bdsm having different meanings than terms outside of the community. When I say I got a beating, I do not mean that MasterDoc came at me in anger pummeling me with his fists. This has never happened and never will. It means he uses implements he has used in the past and has great control over. It means he watches my reactions carefully and keeps the beating at a level I can process. The end result is not trauma, but a fabulous release of endorphins. I’m not scared of MasterDoc ever being truly violent with me. He never hits in anger. He has fantastic self-control emotionally, which is perfect for someone who wants to dominate.

Bullshit, Part II

Published on November 22, 2011 in anger, anxiety, assault, consent, recovery, stupid people, trauma, trust, Uncategorized and venting. 3 Comments

On the other end of the irritating spectrum is the fact that the guy who sexually assaulted me is still denying it. (Description here, despite his trying to claim I deleted it off my blog.) I wrote about my situation, not naming him of course, on Good Vibrations’ blog because I think more discussion needs to happen around non-consensual acts in a community that prides itself on consent. He commented (outing himself!?) denying that anything non-consensual happened. GV got nervous, so I offered to re-write the post. The original can now be found on Kitty Stryker’s blog. He also tried to leave a comment here, but I don’t feel I owe this man any airtime in my space.

It’s disgusting that this man still refuses to take responsibility for his actions. I feel certain that there could be clear video and audio footage of the incident – of me telling him to take the speculum out because it hurt and his continuing to hurt me instead – and he’d still deny responsibility. I don’t expect any different from him, but he should realize that he’s not going to shut me up about what I KNOW happened.

It’s also disgusting that it seems the organizers of the Geeky Kink Event told him that I sent them information on him. Hey, it was within their rights to decide to keep him teaching a class, but to tell him that his victim reported him? What the fuck? They could have very well put me in danger. So far harassing comments denying his responsibility are all that he’s done, but they didn’t know what might happen. I’m still waiting for an explanation for this. MasterDoc contacted them and so far they don’t seem to have anything to say for themselves.

I’m refraining from naming the con that approached me discreetly and respectfully earlier this year and decided to ban the asshole. Hopefully it drives him nuts to not know who will be denying his application to teach next year. I had hoped that maybe people were becoming more concerned with consent and better able to handle complaints since things were handled so beautifully with this con. Unfortunately, it seems I can be sure of that with only one grouping. As for the Geeky Kink Event, if you’re a survivor don’t approach them as they clearly won’t honor your privacy one iota (nor worry about your safety). And if the guy who assaulted me is to be believed, apparently they feel qualified to decide if I was assaulted or not.

Bullshit, Part I

Published on November 21, 2011 in anger, bdsm, consent, D/s, DeeDee, happy, kink, mental illness, mother, musings, sexuality, stupid people, trust, Uncategorized and venting. 3 Comments

It has been quite a week here. I’ve been sick, DeeDee had family issues and I dealt with premenstrual dysphoric disorder early in the week. I hope next week is far better.

I’ve been left contemplating how consenting adults can have their choices questioned (part I) but on the other hand people who violate withdrawn consent can go around denying it for years (part II).

Some members of DeeDee’s family have decided that she can’t possibly have chosen to be in a bdsm relationship. They think she must be abused. They’ve found my blog and point to my own history with depression (and the one time I was hospitalized for such 23 years ago when I was a teenager). People into bdsm are as varied as any other group of people. Some are mentally well, some have mental illness, some are awesome people who stick strictly to the notion that consent matters, and unfortunately, a few are predatory. People into bdsm generally like things more intense than others. Are people who like to burn their mouths on hot, spicy food sick people? How is this different? I like extra spice with my sexuality. I like the feelings of bliss released when controlled pain is applied to my body in a consensual situation. While I suffer from a mental illness, that is not what causes me to love playing with power differential sexually. I’ve had kinky fantasies since childhood, and while my family is your garden-variety dysfunctional American family, I was not abused at all in childhood. No one beat me, no one did inappropriate sexual things to me (or, indeed, any sexual things to me). I was treated lovingly for the most part and, as an only child for the first 11 years, I was pretty much spoiled. (On one side of the family, I was the only grandchild for 9 years. Oh yeah. Spoiled.) Being turned on by thoughts of bondage and helplessness just occurred naturally. (And, I might add, long before I was raped or sexually assaulted. Rape and sexual assault, sadly, are more common in this world than bdsm.)

The infantilization of those with mental illness would be humorous if it wasn’t so damn offensive. I would like to think that while I certainly talk about a lot of intense kinky sex here, I also very clearly convey the loving relationship I have with MasterDoc. He doesn’t take advantage of my mental illness. If anything he has mentored me in adopting better coping mechanisms. I don’t blow up in emotional outbursts as often as I used to. I’m far better at asking for what I need emotionally rather than stewing and expecting others to read my mind. Bad methods of coping I learned from my mother have been slowly unlearned with MasterDoc’s patient teaching. I suffer far less distress than I used to because I can handle things more rationally.

But, you see, I would bet DeeDee’s family will think he made me write that, or something. Determining that my agency has been taken away from me without so much as talking to me is also damn offensive. While I like the security of considering myself owned by MasterDoc, the truth is owning people is illegal in the United States. I am a free woman. I have a career. I can pay my own bills. No one is manipulating me to be MasterDoc’s submissive. I have the means to leave if I wanted. But I don’t want to – not because anyone has worn me down or some shit, but because I have a tremendous amount of loving support from my chosen family. My current household is so delightfully stable and placid compared to that of my parents’ house. (While ultimately loving, my Mother had a tendency to shout and have emotional outbursts. Thankfully my Dad was stable.)

I think it might actually disappoint some people just how normal and dare I say, equitable, our relationship can be. I can disagree with him. We will discuss things we disagree on. MasterDoc likes having intelligent women as submissives because he’s not looking to control someone 24/7 (not to mention the conversation is far better). He wants us to think for ourselves. He wants the best for us. He’s still good friends with his former submissives. Hardly sounds like they fled from him, huh? He walked one down the aisle as her bridal attendant and she counts him as her best friend.

But I could talk about that ad nauseum and still not convince people. That’s okay. I know I’m in a happy and stable relationship. I know MasterDoc has not ever laid a finger on me in anger, and never will.

Come Again?

Published on November 20, 2011 in bdsm, cunt, D/s, flogging, forced orgasm, happy, horny, kink, libido, masochism, masturbation, orgasm on command, restraints, sex, sex toys, shio, spanking, squirting, submissive, trust and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Posting has been thin because I’ve been sick. I didn’t have the energy for orgasms, or writing this week. I wanted to though!

But Saturday I got some alone time with MasterDoc and I’m finally feeling much better. He put my cuffs on my wrists. The collar stayed off until we got to the bedroom. We put on some kinky porn (a full length Device Bondage clip on pornhub – I selected it). It was pretty damn hot. I got up for a moment to get something and complained that I didn’t want to miss any. MasterDoc paused the clip, went into the playroom and came back with his small flogger.

“Want to know what you missed? This is what you missed,” and he started flogging my tits. It made me giggle until the left nipple got a particularly sharp crack that made me wince. We smiled and got back to the porn.

Soon we realized that moving to the bedroom was overdue. We moved his laptop so we could continue the porn. I love how her helplessness in bondage is brought up by the Dom. If that was me I’d be so on the edge of coming if it was pointed out that I was secured. I still remember playing around with bondage with my first boyfriend. (Oh gawd, that was just over 20 years ago. I feel old.) He tied me to his bed with his school ties (Catholic school boys are freaks). I would come even harder whenever I pulled at the bonds and felt held down.

Yes, I’ve been kinky as long as I can remember. That was just the first time I got to do those things with another person.

There was no bondage for me today, but MasterDoc did have me sit on the bed with my hands behind my head while he flogged my tits, thighs, tummy and pussy. Someone recently expressed concern (not to me directly) that I’m some abused, broken woman after reading this blog. As he flogged me and I thought about how much I enjoyed it, I shook my head (internally, not literally) and wondered how our fun and games could be so misconstrued.

MasterDoc decided we should take a break to cuddle while we watched the porn. I played with my clit and I could tell he was stroking his cock behind me. Unexpectedly, he told me to come. Holy shit. I hadn’t been anywhere close to orgasm but I came within seconds. He gently but firmly grabbed my hair as I squirted a load of hot girl come on the throe. I was surprised by how much I squirted. Squirting seems really sporadic for me recently, but I certainly needed rehydration after this afternoon.

Huzzah!

He wanted to fuck me, and watch the porn, so we set up the bed. I was on my knees and could not wait for him to put his penis inside me. While I kinda wanted to watch the porn, I totally forgot about it when he started fucking me hard. He’d slap my ass a bit and then plow into me with his cock. I wanted to come so badly, but I waited until he gave permission.

Once he did there was no stopping me. The woman in the porn was on a sybian, and I marveled at how, like that machine, MasterDoc can make me just come and come and come. Seriously. I can only imagine the fun we would have had had we met earlier, although I’m not sure I could have handled him at a much younger age than when I met him. I bit the throe for a while and tried to bury my ecstatic screams in the mattress. While the coming would ebb for a bit, he’d slap my ass and plow into me some more, and I would be delirious with orgasm once again.

I have no idea how long he made me come. Wonderfully long. As I collapsed next to him, I said, deadpan, “I’m so abused.” This was good for a chuckle. Why do I find it so funny? Because an abused woman isn’t being given lots of orgasms, followed by lots of cuddles. She doesn’t find her self-esteem growing as her relationship grows deeper with her man. I have to laugh at the absurdity of it or I’d be pretty pissed off by the assumption that I’m only with MasterDoc because… well I don’t even know why. He’s beaten me down? Er, no. He keeps me on tight leash? Hardly. (Although that might be hot now and then. *wink*) I’m dependent on him? Nope, I’m not. Only dependent in the sense that I turn to my chosen family for comfort, support and companionship. I depend on them for that.

I thought that was probably all, especially since MasterDoc has started feeling under the weather himself today. But the porn kept running and I soon buried my fingers in my pussy. He returned to the room after a few moments away to find me masturbating. We chatted a little, and I reached for the Hitachi. With his assistance, I came even harder than before. I think you can tell the depth of the orgasmic feeling by my voice during it – it was higher pitched for the orgasms during sex, but got really guttural when I came from the wand and his hand. As I started to come he pushed the head of the wand against me. Fuuuuck. He slipped fingers inside my cunt, and also touched various spots on my pelvis and thighs that send me reeling.

I squirted some more. And lay spent. I gave him a fuzzy smile.

Surely we were finished.

I can’t recall how it came about, but the man made me come again. I’m just such a poor unfortunate soul aren’t I?

Hell no, I’m a very sexually satisfied woman.

Cuddles and caressing his the “spot” on his chest topped off a very pleasurable afternoon. (I’ve discussed the spot before. This patch of hair in the center of his chest that is just so wonderful to pet.)

Trying New Things

Published on November 8, 2011 in anxiety, bdsm, cunt, D/s, edge play, kink, masochism, piss play, porn, sadism, sex and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

I think that maybe providing a play-by-play narrative of our sexual encounters has gotten old. (For me at least!) But there’s usually some tidbit that is interesting or something I can expound upon. Despite over four years of kinky stuff, we still find new things to do!

Last night he used Icy Hot on my pussy for the first time. I had been feeling a little left out since he tried it on other ladies months ago. I think ultimately I liked it, but certainly there were moments when my cunt felt like it was on fire. The heat and pain would fluctuate. MasterDoc got ice cubes to cool it down, but for me cold is more painful than hot. I’d rather have the fiery labia than the sharp shock of cold on them.

He started off with some on my nipples; the sensation there was minimal. He threatened to pull back the clitoral hood and slap some right on to my clit, but it was initially a fake out and he rubbed some in to my labia.

It tingles, then it flares up. He applied more a little later and I paid attention to the ever changing sensations, trying to decide if I liked it or not. At times, it felt so inflamed that I imagined my labia to be greatly swollen. I suppose the thing that made me decide I ultimately liked the sensation was when he fucked me. My pussy was extra sensitive – on the outside. MasterDoc was careful not to get more than an incidental amount of Icy Hot inside. (Thank you, Sir!)

It’s funny, because while I can say that my sensitivity was heightened, I don’t know if I could quantify my orgasms as “better than” so much as “also fabulous.” I’m so damn lucky that I can be blase about the orgasms I have. I wish all the women reading this could have the same orgasms I do. You all deserve it.

The night before he did a wee bit of breath play while getting me warmed up. I tried to go with it as he pressed his hand against my throat slowing the flow of blood to my brain. But just as things started to get fuzzy I panicked. He released my throat. He knows that I have anxiety around not being able to breathe, and while it’s intriguing to think of him having such control over me as to make me pass out, I think odds are I’ll panic whenever close.

A good Dom will understand their sub’s anxieties and work around them or work on improving them. Traumatizing me would not have a positive end result, but gradually working towards something he wants me able to handle could ultimately lead me into new experiences.

Alas, I still hate the idea of piss play. I don’t find it hot. He called me into his room yesterday to see a video that Blondie had done in her porn days which included a lot of piss. Ugh. I lucked out when the streaming video froze on his computer. I didn’t want to have to watch all 30 minutes of it.

But again, while I hate it, there is something hot about being made to do it. There’s also a lot of grossness to being made to do it! Thankfully, he doesn’t do the piss play thing often.

A Geeky and Kinky Weekend

Published on November 6, 2011 in anxiety, assault, bdsm, bisexuality, caning, D/s, emotions, exhibitionism, flogging, forced orgasm, kink, lesbian, masochism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, sadism, sex, sex parties, sexuality, shio, spanking, squirting, stress, stupid people, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

MasterDoc and I are home from the Geeky Kink Event. The idea of geekiness and kinkiness in one weekend was too much to resist.

Unfortunately, there were few sessions we were interested in attending – either they were too basic for us (such as the anatomy of masturbation) or just not well run. I can’t speak on the myriad sessions I skipped, but that was our general view. Also I run into the problem that I’m often not a geek for things that make up “geeky” events. I don’t watch Dr. Who (though I love Torchwood), or Buffy, or anime. I don’t know how to play many of the games geeks play. I needed a nice corner with Monty Python and popular music geeks to hang with.

I still had a good time. Our friend V. was there for the weekend with her girlfriend and I got to have lunch with them on Saturday. Shane was there, spending some time running (or attempting to run) games in the gaming room, but mostly spending time with an ex who had come along to hang out. (Alas, I did not get naughty naked time with Shane this weekend.) We met a cute, nice young woman who MasterDoc met on fetlife – she’s eager to become a librarian. After my initial advice of, “Don’t do it!,’ I followed that with, “Just kidding. But are you ready for a life of poverty?” It’s funny, I love my work in many, many ways, but knowing how tight the job market is, how difficult and stressful it can be doing more with less after massive budget cuts, I’m not as eager to encourage others into the profession. The profession itself is quite honorable – ensuring access to information to all citizens, regardless of income. (I speak from a public libraries point of view.) Like any customer-service kind of job, you deal with total assholes, but I’d say most people are at least ok to deal with, and others are just lovely.

Plus I get to buy books with money that isn’t mine. That’s awesome.

Friday night in the dungeon MasterDoc gave me a sybian ride – probably the first one I’ve had in months. Me and the sybian have been a little at odds with each other. Despite the incredible orgasms it can give me, I’ve gotten kinda sick of the machine as it eats up too much of MasterDoc’s time at parties. We put our differences aside, however, and I shrieked uncontrollably as I came. I find that I reach a point where I’m so out of breath I think I want it to stop, but then realize how good it feels and don’t want it to stop.

MasterDoc lay with me for a little while in the aftercare room down the hall. It was lovely to have an adorable young butch dyke offer something sweet to eat to help me recover. If I wasn’t such a scaredy cat at hitting on people I should have said she’s the something sweet I’d like. Since the mattresses were taken when we got there we ended up on a blanket on the hard floor. Oh well. The set up of water and snacks was such a good idea – every event should have an aftercare room.

All weekend, I was drooling over all the adorable baby dyke butches around me. I want one! My birthday’s coming up, will someone remember that for me? Mmkay? I got the impression that many of them were subs (collars being a clue) so I suppose I’m not really what they’d want. But if there’s a toppy, boyish, lesbian out there who’s interested, drop me a line. As much as I have a thing for transmen, I find that I prefer my butch lesbians to be boyish rather than manly.

It was fascinating to just people watch at the event. Lots of people wore costumes – Drs. Who and Horrible were pretty popular. One guy dressed as Dr. Horrible on Friday evening looked a great deal like NPH. There was a lot of steampunk aesthetic of course. There were sexy ladies walking around half naked, and even a few guys in that state. The creativity and gender bending was a lot of fun. Since it was a geek event, there was a preponderance of people who were perhaps social skills-impaired (or style-impaired), as well as a seemingly large percentage of the morbidly obese. (In costumes such as a Hogwarts school girl. Many things were NOT fun to see too. But I do my best to reserve judgement and support the idea that everyone deserves the right to dress up, or get naked in play space.)

We ran into a geeky, kinky woman we know who we haven’t seen in years. She didn’t recognize us because we’ve both lost weight and she had gained a little (in curves really, not fat, her tits looked amazing). MasterDoc finally got the opportunity to give her a sybian ride on Saturday night. I got my second one of the weekend that night as well, and squirted a fair amount. I hadn’t noticed Shane and his ex arrive in the dungeon because I was too busy coming.

The black cloud of the weekend was seeing the guy who sexually assaulted me several years ago. I knew he was going to be there since he was slated to teach one of the sessions (just the person you want to give some sort of legitimacy to by having them present at your event, no?) but it was still a shock and trigger when we went to the hotel bar for our free drink and there he was. I felt panicked and grabbed MasterDoc to tell him who was there. We got our drinks and sat down away from the douchebag and the poor unfortunate woman he undoubtedly got to pay for his hotel room. I had some PTSD to deal with when we hung out in our room waiting for dinner to be delivered.

He later appeared in the dungeon while MasterDoc was giving sybian rides, but I had popped a xanax by that time. He steered clear of me (if he recognizes me), I steered clear of him. Thankfully, I only saw him those two times. I was hoping I’d luck out and not see him at all. As I carried our heavy toybag down the hall Saturday night, I had a momentary fantasy of coming across him and feigning an accidental plowing into him with the bag. I’d say, “Oops. That was an accident. Don’t worry, it was just a bad thing that happened to two good people.” (He fed me that line while refusing to take responsibility for his actions after the assault.)

The shopping was fun – I mostly window shopped but I also bought a waist cincher that fits me. I need to sell off the two larger corsets I have. V. would like to try them on and maybe buy them from me. Fingers crossed they fit her. The hotel room had a full length mirror, and I rarely look in one, but I had to gaze at my transformed body for a bit. I understood how it is that people have told me I look even taller now. I do somehow. I guess because I’m narrower than before but still every bit as tall.

My new thinness gave me a certain boost of confidence, but my skin heard it was a geek event and decided to have a small breakout. Gee, thanks skin! Nothing like a big, red, cystic zit on the side of my neck, eh? There were a couple of equally red but much smaller pimples on my face. My bangs mostly hid those though.

Overall there were lots of nice and interesting people there. We didn’t end up playing with anyone we didn’t know (with the exception of MasterDoc giving a few ladies sybian rides). Our geekiness does translate into a little social awkwardness too. DeeDee is the social butterfly, but she wasn’t with us. I got to see intense scenes – one that I would NOT want to do myself, but it was intense and gripping to watch. A Dom used a staple gun to shoot staples into his subs upper arms. Youch. I cringed repeatedly, hopefully they didn’t notice or didn’t mind the reaction. There was a long-lasting flogging and spanking that was fun to watch too. MasterDoc gave me a caning before Saturday’s sybian ride, but that was our only bdsm play over the weekend.