When I was fairly over being sick, MasterDoc and I had sex a couple of times, but somehow it was not quite what I needed. He pissed on me. I came, much to my continuing shame. He beat me. He really pushed my pain tolerance. And he made me come.  I hit a soothing state of calm and relaxation post-beating. But somehow I still didn’t feel satisfied. I felt guilt over this. But I still felt like something I needed wasn’t being met. After talks, I think MasterDoc figured out what I needed, because that’s what he gave me. That evening he said lovely things about being happy with me, me being cute, etc. I needed reassurance that I was still attractive. I needed reassurance that I was still loved. I know the last bit sounds strange, after all I certainly know he loves me. But I just needed to be reassured. And I felt soothed by his love and reassurances. I needed attention. I had felt frustrated earlier because he used the “suck my dick and then hop on for a ride” thing two days in a row (i.e., no foreplay for Nadia). I felt distanced, I felt like my enjoyment of the sex didn’t make a difference. I felt removed from the sex. This depressed me.

Well ok, brain chemicals made me depressed, but this is what I got depressed about when given the right mental climate.

I craved touch. I craved attention. I realized that the touching was more important to me than the orgasms that night. And so he held me. He caressed me. I felt so much better in his arms and with his hands on me. I just needed to be touched. I think probably everything else could have been the same and if more touching was just added I would have found it satisfying as usual. My skin was hungry.

The next day he did more of the same. He told me that while he thinks it’s “lazy Dom’s prerogative” to tell the sub to get aroused and ready for fucking without any help, he doesn’t think that should be the norm and he could understand how it seems like a trend to me – but it really isn’t a trend in our sex life. He took time to play with my ass with the e-stim machine. My cunt was wet and swollen and as he zapped my ass I was so aroused. He fingered me, toyed with my clit. He made me come and squirt.

He continued to be very hands on, and I was happy to have him fuck me. He fucked me from behind and I savored when he’d grab hold of me and give me a good fucking. I think in addition to touch I crave being “taken.” I’ve been thinking lately that I want to be able to role play becoming someone’s sex slave involuntarily. For some reason I get turned on by pretending I don’t want to do what I’m doing sexually. I want to be physically forced or encouraged to do things. I want to be be tied up (or cuffed, rather) and gagged.

But I digress. I toyed with his balls and such with my Siri vibrating. When he did eventually ask if I could get on top of his cock and ride, I was thoroughly into it. I fucked him, rocking myself back and forth on his cock. I came so close to orgasm. He kept taking me to the edge. It was almost as if I couldn’t get enough of his cock sliding in and out of me. I wanted to come so, so badly.

I had to stop when my hips got sore and tired. I can do straddling for only so long. I lay next to him and he had enjoyed the fuck wholeheartedly. I still wanted to come, so I calmly mentioned that yes, the fuck was amazing, but I had wanted to come so badly. Since I asked nicely, he helped me come by using his fingers. I squirted some more and was just bowled over by the feeling of his hands in my cunt, on my cunt, around my cunt.

Needs originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on December 28, 2010.

Recently I’ve felt like there’s a shift – the shift hasn’t happened just yet but it feels like a new phase of our relationship is ready to begin. I’ve been contemplating for at least a week now telling him that if he wants me to lick his ass, then I would respect him even more if he made me do it despite my dislike of the activity. I think I’m at the point now where him making me do a few things I dislike (but know full well won’t harm me) is the way to go. Not so much to exercise power, but I think he, as the Dom, should feel free to engage in whatever experiences he would like to – and not give as much concern over what I like to do.* Of course, I’ve hesitated to say anything because I’m worried this is a case of “be careful of what you wish for!” But I feel like I need to take another step into being his submissive on perhaps a deeper level than before. We’re at a point where if he makes me lick his ass I’m not going to consider leaving him. If he pisses in my mouth I’m not going to leave him. I don’t like these activities and hope they don’t become frequent, but I feel like if he’s the Dom then he should use me as he likes.

We’ve watched a lot of porn on theupperfloor.com lately and it’s been giving him all sorts of ideas. The forced exercise I found too painful to watch. I hate exercise but can handle it better if I’m doing it by myself and of my own volition. But the scene where the slave was hooded (and therefore couldn’t see) and forced to scrub the floor while the dominant whipped or fingered her – that was damn hot. Just scrubbing a floor isn’t hot to me. But being in some sort of bondage/blindfolding/gagging and being watched over by the man who delivers such delicious torment to me, that would be hot.

The Upper Floor has also made me crave kinky parties where I could serve and be toyed with by the guests freely. Not only toyed with but perhaps also gang-banged.

MasterDoc and I talked briefly about the idea of things like positions the sub needs to learn and use in certain situations. He was never into that, but I’ve been curious about it and now feels like a time to maybe delve into some of that, to maybe have a little more protocol than we currently have? (We’ve never been big on protocol other than calling him Sir and being respectful and obedient.) I’m also wishing for more bondage in my life.

All this is dependent on what MasterDoc wants and thinks is right. I’m merely expressing my willingness and desire to go a little further into submission and service to him. I feel like I need to be pushed a little.

* This meaning that of course I hope my needs will still be met, but I think he should feel more latitude in making me satisfy his needs even if I find an act distasteful.

The Next Steps? originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on November 11, 2010.

Today the symptoms are starting to break, but even yesterday I was feeling anxious and irritable enough to be struggling with it. I didn’t sleep over MasterDoc’s due to the impending snow (and I am glad I went home last night!) but I did visit him for a few hours.  We reconnected. He reassured me that yes, if I’m in emotional crisis like I had been last Friday night I did the right thing by getting in touch with him.

Since my mood was still unstable last night, MasterDoc declared I needed a beating and orgasms. And indeed they helped like they usually do. After he shook off the silly mood he was in, he had me lay down on the bed, face down and took the cane to my ass. The strikes focused my thoughts. I took the cane fairly well, but then he dribbled some melted wax on me. Yikes! It pooled slightly on my lower back and I kicked one leg up while trying to deal with the pain. The wax was particularly difficult to take last night. I seem to be out of practice. The caning continued and took me into subspace. I didn’t get wet like I often do but considering how not myself I felt that’s not entirely surprising. He used the little rubber flogger on me, the little ends gathering together to sting my ass.
He had me on hands and knees for some beating, and propped the magic wand against me but it kept slipping away from the perfect spot, so even though I had permission to come I couldn’t quite get there. I let MasterDoc know that it was sliding out of place, and he took over, pressing it against my clit, making me come.  He took out a toy that we haven’t really used yet: snake bite suckers. The set comes with two larger ones and one thinner sucker that’s just right for the clitoris. Thankfully he only put the larger two on my nipples. As my tits hung down he commented on how they resembled udders. He flicked them with his fingers which hurt. He has decided he really likes them, and as I can wear them longer than nipple clamps he plans to have me walking around the swing club with them on. He had me kneel up, and he tormented my nipples some more.

He had me lay on my back to be fucked so he could continue to play with the nipple suckers. He tweaked them, fucked me, slapped my face. I went from zero to sixty in about two seconds. He told me I could come at will and I came, but then I came even harder as he gently but firmly applied pressure to my throat for the first time. Previously I had been afraid of even the hint of breathplay as I’m asthmatic (and have experienced not being able to breathe. Not really fun.) but I had put in my wishing box that I was curious to try a little bit with him, since I trust MasterDoc to know what he’s doing (and to know what to do in case of an emergency). He pressed a bit harder than I had expected, grabbing my collar close against my throat. For a second, I wasn’t sure if I was scared of this…. but then I came, harder than I had to this point. I was amazed by how hard I came.

I was very, very happy and calm after that.

He next had me suck his cock, and he worked in yet another wish from my wishing box: grabbing my head and choking me on his cock a few times. I find that I don’t gag as badly as I initially thought and I really like that he’s got his cock shoved down my throat and his hand firmly on my head as the thrusts his hips upward. His cock gets extra slick with my saliva which makes it even easier than usual to suck. He had me rub his wet cock over my face and I did as I was told. (Of course.)

His cock hard again, he debated fucking my ass or fucking my cunt again. He eventually opted for my cunt and got me on hands and knees. He said I had been a good girl and gave me the magic wand to use on myself. He started off slowly, teasing. He’d then fuck me harder for a moment. I kept the wand pressed against my clit but he told me not to come until I asked permission. He wanted me to take my time so he could fuck me as long as he liked. I was moaning like crazy, feeling amazing even though I was holding back from orgasm. I almost didn’t want it to end. I wish I had a recording of my moaning and babbling at that point. Out of nowhere, he told me to come. And I came as he fucked me some more. When his cock was pushed out he slapped my cunt to keep me coming and I sprayed come all over my hand, the throe, and the magic wand.

I was in a wondrous daze after that orgasm. It was hard to find somewhere to lay down since there was a big puddle, but I sat against the wall, legs splayed. Despite using the menstrual cup, there was a smudge of blood on my leg (and the come that came out of me was tinted pink due to some menstrual content.) My hands felt like they were buzzing, and it took me a moment to realize this was from holding the magic wand to my clit for a while. I felt positively amazing. If they could make that feeling into a pill form I think I’d become addicted. Oh yes.

After I cleaned up, we sat in the living room and he put on the basketball game. He had me grab pillows so I could sit on the floor at his feet – another thing I had requested in my wishing box. I happily played with my new smart phone while I sat on the floor between his legs. Occasionally I’d hug his thigh and kiss it. And other times he’d smack me playfully with his hard cock. It was an evening I sorely needed after the emotional upheaval of this month’s cycle.

Wishes Fulfilled originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on February 10, 2010.

He had over our friend V. and our new kinky friend, Stacina, while I was at work yesterday. I certainly would have loved to be there to see V. fuck Stacina with a strap on than be at work. It sounded like it was hot. MasterDoc was then going to spend the remaining time fucking our new friend after V. had to go home but her back went out. Ever the gentleman, he set her up on the heating pad and took care of her. Of course, when I got to his place after work last night he was feeling a bit sexually frustrated. I was quite happy to be there to help him deal with the frustration.

Last night any little thing MasterDoc did that exhibited authority turned me on. When we got cozy in bed, he looked at my wishing box even though I haven’t added anything lately. (I did later that night however.) I told him that I couldn’t come up with new things to add, and he pointed out that it’s not just new things that go in there, but things that I wish we were doing more. Ah! I will keep that in mind. He read through each piece of paper and I realized that I couldn’t quite remember what was in there.

We watched some porn laying against each other, my back to his tummy and we both stroked ourselves. He reached over me and grabbed the magic wand, turned it on, and pressed it against my clit. I was so horny instantly and soon after he started he said that I can come as much as I like for the next minute.

I lost control completely as always. I squirted a little. I came over and over, being tossed like a ship on a stormy sea from one peak to the next. I can’t imagine what I look like at those moments. All I’m aware of is my entire body being gripped by orgasm. Body, brain, soul. He pulled the wand away after one minute.

I lay there recovering. And I remembered the all important, “Thank you, Sir,” in the aftermath of the orgasm he gave me.

He had me put the wedge under him and get on top but his cock wasn’t quite ready. Instead we cuddled and I stroked his cock. He talked dirty to me, taking control of the situation. He asks if I want to feel his cock inside me. Breathlessly I say, “Yes, Sir.” I moan a little and press my body against his. His cock is completely hard now and he decides on a change of plans – he has me get on hands and knees.

He fucked me while watching porn. While this was going on, I thought about how hot it is to be fucked while being somewhat objectified – for him to enjoy me while his attention is on the porn and I’m just there to plunge his dick into. I moan like crazy and could come at any second. After a good long fuck, he pulls out. He tells me: “Come” and I orgasm while he slaps my cunt. The come squirts out and splatters as he slaps. I come so hard that I start to worry I might pass out. My awareness goes hazy, it kinda fades in and out with the alternation of my breathing and holding breath. I keep saying this lately (at least to myself if not here), “I’ve never come this hard before!” like every time is even better than the last. I squirted again while coming.

After I’ve recovered, he says he wants to come, and I think that means I’ll be behind him playing with ass like most times. He says no, that I will help from in front. I focus in on his cock as he strokes it and I massage his ass and thighs. I become almost mesmerized watching him up close. When he’s nearly ready to come, he has me put my mouth over his cock and I feel the head in between my lips. He comes and I feel it spurting out of his cock and onto my tongue. A few quick spurts and I can feel the come resting on my tongue. He has me hold the come and his cock in my mouth for a while. He tells me to suck and more drops come out of his cock into my come-filled mouth.

I show him the cum in my mouth and he tells me to let it dribble out. It dribbles out too fast at first but I still had some in my mouth and did it more slowly the second time. He liked watching the come dribble out of my mouth. I liked being the dirty whore who held his come in my mouth and drooled it all over after. I later added to the box that I want to have him come in my mouth more often, that I want to be made to play with his come. I enjoyed that so much I was smiling like the Cheshire cat after.

Coming originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on December 23, 2009.

- I’d like some more play with nipple clamps

- I want to be hypnotized to not clench my (vaginal) muscles as I come – to still be able to come but not clench

-I’d like to be made to wear a butt plug around the house and maybe out too

- I’d like to wear my wrist and ankle cuffs sometimes and be bound by them

-I’d like to be gagged on your cock sometimes

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Tonight is the New York Sex Blogger Calendar Party! Whoo hoo! I’ve been waiting months for this. I’m feeling awfully socially awkward and anxious the past day or so, hopefully I will manage to move past that at the party tonight and get to enjoy meeting so many other bloggers. I have a good idea about who is going to be there, but certainly leave me a comment if I may not know you’ll be there. MasterDoc and I will both be around.

When MasterDoc wakes up I need to work out how we’re getting there (car? subway?), and are we bringing the sybian (the attachments are on loan and this would necessitate us getting them before the party)?

It’s so hard being shy. I’m excited and looking forward to the party but I’m also feeling anxious. I’m definitely in a homebody phase just now.

Wishing Box #1 originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on November 6, 2009.