Archive for the 'trust' Category

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Hot Submission

Published on October 28, 2009 in bdsm, D/s, dom, horny, humiliation play, kink, masturbation, non-monogamy, orgasm on command, porn, sex, shio, squirting, submissive, trust, Uncategorized and wax play. 4 Comments

I’ve been feeling the need lately, more than ever, to feel submissive. It’s funny, because if you’re not submissive you may wonder why anyone would want to feel controlled, beneath another, objectified. But for me, it’s not only incredibly hot, it also soothes me. In the midst of all that’s been going on in my life, submitting to MasterDoc allows me to relax and not stress.

It’s not always easy to submit. Last night MasterDoc talked to me about how I can be possessive of my time with him. If faced with giving up or sharing some of my time with him, I should view it in terms of submission and pleasing him. This is incredibly hard because I want to be with him as much as possible. I crave being with him, I crave his attention. While there are moments when I’m very much in the headspace of submission where I enjoy just being there while he attends to someone or something else, (tonight was one of those nights) most of the time I find that really difficult to do. Even moreso when I can’t at least be with him in the same place.

It’s interesting, because although putting my wants aside so that his happiness is fulfilled is a challenge, (especially being genuinely happy about doing it myself) I crave that challenge. I’m happy when I’m struggling with myself to make him happy. It’s kinda convoluted I will admit. What can I say? I’m a submissive. Some days it’s more fulfilling than others. Other days I just want to be the center of attention.

Last night, we watched part of a very hot porn video – in it a submissive woman had to serve at a party. The guests could comment on her naked body and they were free to grope her as they wished. She was the only person in the room without clothes on. Her wrists were secured behind her back and she wore high heels. In the beginning she has a tray slung on a belt around her waist with two chains leading to her collar. She had to navigate the living room full of guests balancing full champagne flutes on the tray. Let me remind you, her hands are secured behind her back throughout this.

She did spill a couple of glasses and was scolded for it. One spilled on an ottoman in the middle of the room and she was ordered to clean it up with her tongue. After she did that, she was brought around the circle of people again to be groped, probed, examined and handled. God, the humiliation was hot.

I was so fucking hot and wet watching this. MasterDoc needed to divert his attention to helping one of the other ladies in his life through a crisis, and being horny yet feeling very, very submissive, I enjoyed playing with myself until he was ready to touch me, and I could go back to that if he needed to pull his attention away again. He had me stop touching myself at one point, and I really was content to lay on the bed next to him patiently. I was genuinely happy to be doing that.

I suppose short-term patience like that is easy. But feeling like I’m giving up time, giving up getting my needs met when I feel like I want them to be met is hard. The idea of taking something like a weekend away at Floating World with MasterDoc, and then deriving pleasure from him having a good time, even if I don’t get to enjoy the things I’d like to because I’m sharing him, is hard. I should trust more, I suppose, that he will make sure I’m taken care of at some point. But that’s hard when it looks like things aren’t going how you hoped. (Especially when you’ve paid your way for the weekend.)

Tonight, I was really turned on by the submission. Actually turned on by being his servant, waiting for him patiently. It made me fucking horny. He drizzled some hot wax on me and I was really turned on by the fact that he could inflict pain on me – the control of it. He fucked me after, and I was so aroused the entire time. I suppose I should add that he placed the laptop on my back and continued his online conversation while he fucked me – and this drove me crazy. He made me come and squirt like Old Faithful.

That was the only round planned, but as I started this post I looked up the porn and started watching it again. MasterDoc decided that we could go another round, and he fucked me from behind again. This time, somehow, my vaginal muscles didn’t push him out. I worked hard at keeping things that way while also coming insanely hard. My hand dropped beside the bed, flailing limply as I came, head pressed into the bed and my knees kept spreading wider as I’m pounded down into the bed. I went completely incoherent – moans, whines, grunts, gasps were the only noises I could make. I was catapulted into another world. The only thing I was only able to do was come for as long as he wanted me to. He kept fucking me and I kept coming. I started to wonder if I could handle any more. My muscles pushed him out, and he kept touching my pussy, slapping it, stroking my legs, grabbing my hair. And I responded by continuing to come and squirt. When I later picked up the towel beneath me (placed there for the wax play) it was heavy from all the wetness I had squirted. The throe underneath was very wet too. MasterDoc said that he impresses even himself. I’m impressed too. I was utterly under his control being made to come like that.

Anti-depressant

Published on September 24, 2009 in cunt, depression, hnt, masturbation, orgasm on command, photos, sex toys, trust and Uncategorized. 4 Comments

Half-Nekkid Thursday photo The square over my face kinda ruins it, but alas we do not live in an entirely sex-positive world where my sharing my nakedness would be looked upon favorably by all!

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We cuddled in bed, naked, as we often do. I love to feel the warmth of him up against me. I run my fingers through his chest hair and feel relaxed. For a change, we also ended up cuddling with me scooted up the bed a bit and his face pressed against my cleavage. It was nice to stroke his hair as he nestled his face between my breasts. The warmth of another human body can be so comforting.

I wasn’t sure if we were going to do more than cuddle. He wasn’t feeling like fucking, but he did suggest a sybian ride. As much as I love the sybian, I was more in a magic wand sort of mood. So he had me get the wand set up, get an insertable (I chose my glass dildo) and some lube. He toyed with the magic wand against my nipples, and thankfully it was a time when it felt good. (Sometimes the vibration is too much when my nipples are feeling extra sensitive.) He tried something new, and licked my nipple as he held the vibe right by his tongue. The sensation of a velvety tongue and vibration brought a smile to my face instantly. It wasn’t just arousing, it was a sensation that made me feel just plain good.

He teased my body with the vibrating wand. He’d push it against my clit and get me worked up and breathing heavy. But then he would move it to my thighs or my breasts. He worked me over for quite a while. I appreciate the fact that he went out of his way to do this since I had been dealing with depression. He knew that this attention and the subsequent orgasms would help.

He teased me for what seemed like a long while. He put the wand down momentarily and lubed up the glass dildo. He slid it into me and fucked me with it – I was panting instantly. I could have come from just that. He teased me some more with the wand, holding the dildo inside me. I so wanted to come. He alternated between the wand and the dildo – working me up into a right lather.

I was nearly going to break down and beg for permission to come, but then he gave me the command to come. And come I did – over and over and over again. The feel-good chemicals were coursing through my body – I tingled from head to toe. Depression had no hope of holding onto me with MasterDoc making me feel so good. Afterward, I was in such an amazing post-orgasmic haze. I had a stupid grin on my face and I cuddled up to him. I’m going to miss him so this week, but I will be popping by his place a few times to exercise, so at least I will get to stop by the apartment that holds so many fond memories for me.

The Loss of a Friend

Published on September 10, 2009 in anxiety, commitment, D/s, dom, emotions, musings, trust and Uncategorized. 3 Comments

I was shocked and saddened yesterday to find out that Urban Libertine had passed away in his sleep on Sunday morning. I had only met him and Momo this year and become friendly with them – I’ve only hung out with them twice at their place during sex parties, but I count them both as friends. We’d twitter at each other and flirt a bit and I looked forward to getting to know them better. When I noticed Momo’s twitters sounding like something really bad had happened, I sent her a tweet asking about it. I had no expectation of it being as serious and final as death. He was a nice guy and I’m sad that my friendship with him won’t be able to go any further. At the last party, I didn’t get to have sex with him, but I thought, “I’ll just have to make sure I get with him next time.” Who knew there wouldn’t be a next time? He was only 40. Just a few years older than me.

Now, some people might wonder why I’m so very sad about this when I barely knew him. I mean, I don’t even know his last name. But it got me thinking about emotional vs. physical intimacy. We put emotional intimacy up on a pedestal and declare it “superior” to physical intimacy, but in the meantime we forget that physical intimacy IS intimacy. Taking someone into your body is an intimate act. No, it’s not the same thing as becoming emotionally intimate with someone, but this is the first time someone I’ve had sex with has passed away (to my knowledge). I was fond of him as a friend and I’m fond of his lady as a friend as well. I ache for her deep in the bottom of my heart every time I think about what she must be going through losing him so suddenly. They had a D/s relationship from what I know, and she affectionately called him Daddy. They seemed to be so in love and so happy. I’m so sad for her to lose someone so dear.

Of course, this got me thinking – how would I cope if I suddenly lost MasterDoc? I don’t like to think about it as the thought terrifies me. Last Saturday I got a peek into how much I depend on him. I was having terrible stomach pains and wondered if I should go to the hospital. I couldn’t reach MasterDoc (his phone battery had died) and so I put off going. I wanted his guidance to tell me to go. It’s not that I’m incapable of making an intelligent decision about my own health care – I did decide to go considering I had just had a procedure the day before and the pain could be complications. But I dread hospital visits – particularly since it looked like I was going alone – so I put it off for a good hour and a half while I panicked and thought about what to do and hoped the pain would go away. Had I reached MasterDoc I would have acted sooner as he would have told me to go. (I am fine now, follow up with doctor tomorrow. I have gall stones – who knew? Shane drove all the way back from home to go to the ER with me. Davey and MasterDoc got my messages the next morning.)

While I’d be devastated to lose Davey, there’s an added layer to my relationship with MasterDoc due to the D/s component. I rely on him for input and decisions. I’ve gotten so used to his guidance that I feel like I’d be lost without it. I’ve finally found a Dom, something I’ve needed all along. How would I survive without one? I’m terrified at the thought. I have trusted him to do things to me that I’ve never trusted anyone to do before. I don’t want to have to look for another Dom. I can’t imagine someone else being able to take his place. He is able to read me like no one else.

Last night I appreciated seeing MasterDoc even more than usual. I counted my blessings to have him and I cried a bit as we cuddled because I was sad about the loss of Urban Libertine, sad for his lady Momo, and also scared at the idea of having to go through what she’s going through. The age difference between MasterDoc and me brings issues of mortality more to the fore. He’s 18 years older than me, and male, the odds are extremely strong that I will outlive him. I dread that day. Last night we made sure to tell each other how much we love each other. It was reassuring after this sudden loss and the upcoming trips that he’ll be making this month. I don’t see him again for six days. But I will cherish each day I have with him – near or far. Sometimes MasterDoc points out that he thinks part of why I’m so smitten with him is lust (not that he doubts my love, but he thinks a percentage of it is lust). But I would much rather have him in my life not having sex with me than losing him. I’ve become deeply attached to him. While I do lust after him, I also love him deeply.

Book Review: Healing Sex

Published on September 7, 2009 in anxiety, assault, bdsm, bisexuality, embarrassment, emotions, fantasy, Feminism, kink, lesbian, libido, masturbation, rape, recovery, reviews, sex, sex toys, sexuality, trauma and trust. 0 Comments

When Babeland offered Staci Haines’ Healing Sex for review, I decided to snap it up. You see, after I was sexually assaulted in 2005, a friend at that time had Haines’ Healing Sex DVD and lent it to me sometime in the months following the assault. While Haines’ focus is on survivors of childhood sexual abuse, her techniques can definitely be applied to recovering from any sort of sexual trauma. I remembered the DVD as being insightful, so I was happy for the chance to read and own Haines’ book.

Staci Haines specializes in the somatic approach – “an educational and transformational approach that assumes that the body, mind and emotions are one interconnected biological system.” (p. 15) She discusses a great deal the concepts of being aware of what you’re feeling, or indeed being aware if you’ve dissociated and stopped feeling. Being present during your sexual experiences is a major first step towards healing. Being aware of your body and reactions helps get you away from dissociating – “checking out” – during sex.

Haines is realistic about the conflicting emotions that survivors may feel – they may feel guilt or shame when they feel sexual pleasure, they may love and hate their perpetrator at the same time. Being triggered during sex with a partner may cause a survivor to take their anger out on their partner. She doesn’t paint a picture of recovery as being all hearts and flowers – but she does point you towards the wonderful future you can have if you take the time to heal. As they say, nothing worth doing is ever easy.

The approach is entirely sex-positive. She explores different types of sexual expression, everything from oral sex to S/M and in between. There’s chapters on sexual anatomy, creating boundaries for yourself, partnered sex, navigating your way through triggers and how to work on healing them, and even the use of sex toys. Many of these chapters have interesting sex-positive information that would be useful for anyone. (The book is aimed at women survivors, of any sexual orientation.) While she discusses the problem of survivors sometimes becoming sexually compulsive in reaction to the abuse, she makes clear the point that being a fully realized sexual woman with a stronger sex drive than our society thinks you should have is NOT the same as being compulsive. She then goes on to discuss the real difficulties with actual compulsion. She also doesn’t glamorize sex as being the perfect image we see in porn or read about in books. Haines is clear that we bring our quirky human selves to our sex lives – there will be times when things go wrong and you and your partner end up laughing. Sometimes you may need to stop the action for a time and get back to it after dealing with difficult memories. There’s even a chapter for partners of sexual abuse survivors.

The final chapter in the book is a phenomenal collection of resources – everything from healing sexual trauma, to dealing with any sort of trauma, to women-friendly sex-positive sex toy stores (Babeland is on the list).

One minor gripe: this book has more than an average number of typos that were not caught and fixed. If you’re a grammar nut like me this may irritate the heck out of you.

The Crop and the Orgasm

Published on August 3, 2009 in anxiety, bdsm, D/s, dating, emotions, masochism, non-monogamy, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, poly, sadism, sex, sex toys, spanking, trust and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

I spent a little time with MasterDoc this weekend, after spending some much needed alone time. He’s spending as much time with his daughter as possible before she heads off to college, so that left me with time on my hands this past weekend, as Davey was away visiting another girlfriend for the weekend. While I’m prone to depression when I spend a long time alone, this time I really enjoyed myself. Granted, towards the end of the time I was getting restless, bored and lonely. But I got some stuff done around the house, including going through all my clothes to bag up things I don’t wear anymore. I hit Trader Joe’s for the first time in ages. Now my closets and dresser are neat and I have spectacular things to snack on. Huzzah!

I was hoping we’d go out Saturday night, but MasterDoc decided to stay in. He gave me a wonderful intense spanking using the riding crop. Initially I couldn’t tell what he was hitting me with – had he picked up a cane? When I eventually saw it it made sense, and as we were without a crop for a while I forget that it’s in his arsenal of toys now. I was enjoying the sensation but not close to orgasm when he said to me, “Come.” Wow, that was difficult. I focused my thoughts on orgasming and in less than a minute I managed to eke one out. It wasn’t as intense as an orgasm would be if I was fully aroused at the time, but through sheer will I managed it. He’s trying to train me to come via different sensations. I have certainly come from just a spanking before, but I wasn’t expecting it so I was thrown off a little. I think the ideal situation would be if I could eventually just come on command from a cold start. May or may not happen, but one can dream and strive.

He checked his email when we took a break and he found out about a party going on that night. I had already taken my sleeping medication by this time, so I wouldn’t be able to stay awake if we went out. He wondered if he could get someone to go with him. I was bummed because I had wanted to go out, had taken my medication as early as I did due to his request, and was horny and wanted sex with orgasms that weren’t eked out in the heat of stress. (Yes, I’m a demanding slut.) He encourages me to put his desires first some of the time, but I’m only human, and being ditched at the last minute really would have sucked. Ultimately he stayed in with me, for which I was very thankful.

He fucked me a little later, doggy-style, and I was so aroused that eventually I had to give in and beg for orgasm. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to come then and not have the fucking continue a bit longer, and I said that I wanted it to continue. Actually, I don’t think “said” is the right word – I gasped out my hope that he would keep fucking me. He kept going and I was going nuts on the edge of orgasm. When he let me come, I came hard and his cock got pushed out. He slapped my pussy, fingered me a bit as I continued to come. He grabbed the Acuvibe Mini that was laying on the bed and pushed it against my clit – oh holy mother of Jesus! – I came harder than I can remember in a while. And that’s saying A LOT. He kept pressing against my clit with the vibrator and I kept pressing back desperately trying to keep my clit in contact with it while I came. Afterwards, I was totally spent.

On the non-sexual side of things, my issues around jealousy and insecurity came up again. I’m sure some monogamous folks would say, “Well maybe you want to be monogamous.” But I have to say despite my insecurities, I really don’t want to be monogamous. Too bad I’m not a Domme as my ideal situation would be me gallivanting around with multiple partners and my lover being mono to me. But, uh, definitely not going to happen when one is a submissive! I do like knowing that MasterDoc is happy – and I know that having a variety of lovers, and enjoying flirting and chasing (and fucking) new women, is something that makes him happy. It’s in his nature. I do not expect it to ever change. And I can understand wanting variety as I do too. So that leaves me with trying to find a way to not be so insecure, not be so afraid of being abandoned. I need to find ways to keep myself busy when I have free time and thereby not get too upset if I can’t see MasterDoc for a while. (I mean, I love spending time with him, so not seeing him will never be a happy prospect, but I need to find ways to keep busy.) Davey is busy often with other girlfriends these days, I need to find myself someone else to spend time with.

Those of you who aren’t jealous types – how do you manage it? How do you process the idea of your love being with someone else when they could be spending time with you instead?

Anniversary

Published on July 31, 2009 in blog, blow jobs, D/s, dating, dom, happy, musings, sex toys, shio, squirting and trust. 0 Comments

Yesterday marked 2 years since the day MasterDoc and I first met in person. We didn’t get freaky that day but a couple of days later we did, and I blogged about him for the first time on August 2, 2007. One of the reasons I love having a blog is that I can read back and reminisce. If you read that old entry you’ll see that I said I wasn’t “wildly physically attracted to him” at first and he has never let me live that line down.

“There was that time you said I was fugly,” MasterDoc often brings up.

“I never said you were fugly! You’re not fugly!” I have since admitted that it wasn’t so much his looks not being for me but the fact that he was so much older than me. Yes, I realize that’s not much better. Ha ha. But I never thought he was fugly. Ever. And of course now that I love him dearly looking at him can turn me on something fierce. He is phenomenally sexy.

So you’d think we’d fuck like rabbits in commemoration of our first meeting, but he was tired and achy, and by the time we were naked and in bed I was tired as well. In the end, I went down on him for a while, and then he caressed me and “accessorized” while I masturbated with the Acuvibe Mini. I squirted on my Liberator Throe and was thankful I made sure to put it down under me first. Orgasms make me happy, and I was happy. Some nights full on sex just isn’t in the cards. And while I was really horny earlier in the day, I was totally content with how things went because, as I said, I was tired as well. We got in some quality cuddling time too.

Two happy years in my first D/s relationship. And hopefully there will be many more.

Fear

Published on July 7, 2009 in bdsm, D/s, edge play, emotions, kink, masochism, piss play, submissive and trust. 0 Comments

I have an interesting relationship with fear. A love-hate relationship I suppose. I don’t like watching horror movies – I hate the way they make me feel afraid. I don’t like being made to jump suddenly. (I flinch easily – if I round a corner and encounter a person I hadn’t expected to see there, I will flinch.) I don’t even watch a lot of suspense films. But on the other hand I sometimes watch those “true haunting” shows on tv, always in the hopes I’ll actually, eventually get to see some real proof of a ghost. From a young age, I was fascinated with the idea of ghosts and interested in the dark side of life that many are afraid of. My best friend and I were glued to the Ouija board for a good year or so as teenagers. We thought we were communing with demons and other spirits, of course my older, cynical self thinks much of it – if not all of it – was in our heads. But it was fun times, being friendly with dark spirits we shouldn’t have been playing with. It all held a tingle of fear, but what a thrill to be facing it head on.

While doing bdsm play with someone you trust is important, after all safety is key, I can understand the thrill of doing it with someone you don’t know so well. Why? Fear. One of the things I love about MasterDoc is that he has proven himself trustworthy, and yet he can still instill fear in me. It’s the perfect combination. Safe, but not too safe.

It wasn’t until several months into our relationship that I realized I liked it when he’d make me scared. While I’m disgusted by the notion of things like being peed on or made to do analingus, the idea that he can threaten me with it, and that I can get afraid because I know full well that he would – and indeed will – make me do these things sometime is a total turn on. Yes, I get off on some fear. To be clear, it’s not the act, it’s the fact that he can make me do the act despite my own disgust and reluctance that’s the turn on. The feeling that I lack control, that I’ve given control up to him is a turn on. (Interesting that non-consensual lack of control is so very different than consensual. I’ve been traumatized by non-consensual acts in my life.)

I mentioned to him recently that we seemed to be doing less bdsm, or at least less intense bdsm lately. As we relaxed on his bed last night and I hoped that we’d get freaky, we talked for a bit. He got that evil glint in his eye that always makes me nervous. He started talking about how, by complaining that the bdsm hasn’t been intense enough, I was virtually asking for him to pee in my mouth. I acknowledged that I knew that was a risk I was taking. He went down that path, making me sing a little song to the tune of an old Campbell’s soup commercial, “Mm-mm good, mm-mm good, MasterDoc’s pee is, mm-mm good.” I tell you, it was desperately hard to get those words to come out of my mouth. I was scared he’d do it. I was scared by the idea of it.

And it’s funny, afterwards, we came to the realization that his threats, his taking my thoughts down the path to difficult submissive activities, was actually rough (in other words HOT) bdsm. Just by talking we engaged in a bit of a scene.

Some wonderful orgasms came later (kneeling! I could barely hold myself up.), and there was much cock sucking, and still more orgasms courtesy of the magic wand. While the orgasms were fulfilling in a way I needed sexually, the talk we had had was fulfilling in the way that my kinky brain needs to be pushed into fear sometimes. Fear can be delicious. It can get me wet. And some days I crave it.

No Worries

Published on March 13, 2009 in analingus, bdsm, D/s, edge play, piss play and trust. 1 Comment

I received a concerned email after my last post, which I understand (and appreciate!) but I want to make sure that everyone realizes I’m okay. Yes, MasterDoc pushes my limits, and yes, I can adamantly say no. The person who wrote was concerned that doing anything for your Dom is a slippery slope, and while with some men it can be, MasterDoc is not going to make me do anything as wrong as hiding bodies or anything like that. (Besides, I have enough of a brain in my head to know that something like murder would land me in jail and NOBODY is worth that shit and no one who loves me would make me do that.) He gradually introduces new things – mostly by introducing the idea at first. He conditions me to get used to these things he wants to do (and again, let me point out that it’s not anything that will bring me or anyone else harm) and eventually introduces them. When I met him I couldn’t picture anyone pissing on me, or me performing analingus, but I’ve experienced both those things now. And you know what? While I still don’t like ass licking, I’ve come to no harm mentally or physically. I don’t crave him peeing on me but the worst part of the situation was that the tub I lay in was cold. Seriously. He’s also never introduced something that he hadn’t mentioned being interested in at the outset. I get fair warning as to what he eventually expects from me… and murder, harm or any sort of crazy thing like that is NOT on the menu. I have time to dig my heels in and say no. And if he were ever to suggest something harmful I would say no and walk away.

Also, for those of you who don’t know MasterDoc you probably don’t realize that a large portion of the time he threatens disgusting things it’s a headfuck. And the headfuck is part of the D/s playing between us. (Sometimes I get really turned on when he scares me, or when he humiliates me. I’m a sick freak, I know. Last night he admitted that his plan (preempted by our playmate canceling for today) was never actually to piss in my mouth. He figured if he threatened it then I’d be over the moon at him simply pissing on me. He’d tell me that I’d better make it convincing that I’m enjoying his pee on me or he’d piss in my mouth then. But he acknowledges that I’m not ready for the mouth pissing thing. I’ve told him it will be quite some time before I am. But he would not be the Dom if he didn’t keep trying to condition me to submit that far. Is this unusual compared to vanilla relationships? Hell yes. But I have developed enough trust and confidence to know he won’t do anything that will truly harm me. Sometimes the headfuck gets me worried, but inevitably he soothes me and lets me know it’s just a headfuck. (For now!) Our relationship is unusual, but it works for us.

While I’m glad and relieved that there will be no pee in my mouth today, unfortunately MasterDoc needed to take some ritalin to get things done (he has ADD) and sex isn’t in the cards for today. I’ve been trying out my new SaSi and a review will come after I feel I’ve given it a fair trial.

Newsflash: Nadia Turns Down Sex!

Published on December 18, 2008 in analingus, bdsm, D/s, edge play, illness, piss play, sex, trust and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

It’s been a craptacular week all around. If you follow my twitter you know I’ve been sick with a stomach virus the past few days. I feel pretty awful. I also heard about some bad news at work. The economy is definitely affecting libraries, meanwhile usage stats are going up! Please, support your local library. They provide knowledge, entertainment and internet access for FREE and are a vital service to a healthy community, especially in these hard times.

So on to the news. Yes, yesterday I was with MasterDoc and I turned down the idea of sex. I know, I know it’s amazing but it does happen from time to time and being sick is definitely up there on the list of reasons to turn down sex. I’m just too tired and battling occasional nausea. I was going to help MasterDoc jerk off but I found that it was even hard to watch porn because the gagging on cock scenes made me more queasy. In the end, he went and took care of things himself while I zoned out on the sofa in front of the tv. It was really weird to have him doing things for me. It’s wonderful that he will take care of me when I’m sick but of course it makes the dynamic go a bit pear-shaped temporarily. I found myself getting up and getting drinks and putting away clean dishes because I’m so used to it. I did give myself a break, however, as I really don’t feel well. I was the only one on my case to do stuff as usual, MasterDoc accepts that I’m not well and that I need a little taking care of for the time being.

We did find one fun thing to do together yesterday, and that was reviewing my bdsm checklist. (Quite like the one found here.) If you do bdsm, you have probably come across checklists before. They’re pretty useful when you’re playing with someone new to find out what their limits and interests are. He had me fill it out when I first met him, and then again review it a few months later to see if anything had changed. We went through the list this time together and he made notes for future reference. *grin*

Hey, if you can’t have sex, the next best thing is to talk about it!

While the focus sometimes feels like it’s on what limits of mine have weakened and can be pushed, he also pays attention to areas that have perhaps been neglected – things that I wish we would do more or things that we both have an interest in doing but haven’t done. It’s interesting how in the course of a D/s relationship your limits – or what you perceive to be your limits – can change. Things that I first put down as a hard limit (rimming, being peed on) are things I’ve now done. I’m sure some people will be up in arms at the idea of a Dom “going there” with a subs’ “hard limits” but it’s interesting how you can adjust to things when they’re talked about a lot beforehand. MasterDoc has proven very good at discerning what are my truly hard limits (choking, because being asthmatic I’ve dealt with the very scary feeling of not being able to breathe and I don’t like it) and what are things that I find distasteful but will survive doing without mental scars (rimming, pee). Over the course of my explorations in bdsm I’ve found things that initially put me off now seem fascinating – like needle play. There’s some things I’m excited that we’re planning to do (butt plug under clothes out in public, like when we go to a swing club) and things that make me nervous (peeing in front of an audience) but somehow play into the fact that I do like some humiliation and fear play. (And MasterDoc is oh so good at fear play – mainly because the things he threatens he might really do! I have reason to be afraid! You really never know what he’s saying just to scare you and what he’s saying because he plans to do it down the line. Yes, I can see that this situation would not be for everyone.) Reviewing the list was fun but also made me a wee bit nervous.

Submission, Trust, and Really Letting Someone In

Published on August 21, 2008 in D/s, submissive and trust. 2 Comments

For many people, D/s is something they play at. They’re Dominant or submissive during playtime but go on with their lives outside those roles otherwise. I was like that for a very long time, until I met MasterDoc. My relationship with MasterDoc is my first truly D/s relationship. I submit to him more or less all the time (heh, he’d probably say less, especially lately… I’ve been obstinate this week.) This is a challenge to me as I have an independent streak and sometimes just want to be left to my own devices. Being someones submissive, truly being it and not just playing for a period of time is a big commitment. It requires opening yourself up to someone in a way that vanilla relationships don’t generally require. It requires tremendous trust.

For me, letting someone in completely feels like presenting them with an open wound to poke at. It feels beyond vulnerable. It scares the bejeezus out of me. And I suppose I worry that I won’t recover from doing it. Being someone’s submissive really requires placing a tremendous amount of trust in one human being. More trust than I’ve ever placed with any human on this planet. Now of course I go into this knowing I have a choice. At any time I can say I don’t want to do it any more and I can stop being his submissive. But on so many levels I love doing it. I like the challenge, I like the idea of being able to really trust someone with all my thoughts and foibles. I just think it may take the rest of my life to get there. I’ve always been someone who, to my detriment, bottles things up inside. In many ways I’m tightly wound. I have a hard time expressing difficult emotions, particularly in a mature and constructive way. I have a hard time trusting. I grew up with a mother who would tell family friends (and acquaintances) embarassing and personal things about me at the drop of a hat (she still does and she wonders why I never call her or tell her much of anything about my life), so of course I have a hard time trusting. (And sadly, I sometimes suffer from her particular stupidity of not realizing that someone might not want me to share the info I’ve just shared about them. I try very hard to rein it in, however.)

There was a situation recently which I have a hard time with. MasterDoc asked for my password to a site so he could read my correspondence there. I have a hard time with him reading correspondence with someone else because I feel that whoever’s writing to me has a right to expect that I’m the only one who reads their email. (I ultimately didn’t give him the password.) What if they tell me something in one of those emails that they would tell me but not MasterDoc? It’s really not fair on the other person. MasterDoc raised the issue that I need to trust him that he wouldn’t abuse such power and wouldn’t suddenly micromanage and read all my messages. And you know, I’m sure he wouldn’t abuse it, but I still have reservations about him reading other people’s mail to me. To any subs who read this blog – do you have to provide access to your online accounts to your Dom? Does he/she read stuff that’s sent to you from others that was meant for your eyes only? How do you feel about this? How do the other people feel about this, if they know? I know if I sent emails to someone, expecting that only they would see it, I would be pretty pissed off to find out that they let someone else read all my thoughts and confessions. I see this as an ethical quandary. I also want to keep a certain amount of privacy for myself (a big part of why I identify as sub but not slave) and not have to write every email wondering if perhaps MasterDoc is going to read it and how he might react to it. (He agrees that I should have some amount of privacy.) I treasure my freedom of speech, I’m a librarian after all, but it’s arguable that I should feel comfortable telling him anything and everything I tell another person.

But what would happen if I trusted? What am I worried about? I truly and completely believe that MasterDoc would not abuse such power. Ultimately, he expects that when he tells me to do something that I will do it (of course I can have the expectation that he will always do so with care for my well being and best interests). He’s never done anything that could be construed as untrustworthy. He’s never put me in a situation where I was traumatized. Most of the time he leads me into the most delightful of situations, and always he keeps an eye out for my well being. So I find myself giving a lot of thought to what it means to truly submit and while a part of me balks at it part of me feels that it’s really what I want to do. It’s just scary opening yourself and your life up to someone like that. It’s not easy giving up that much control. I hope I can manage to really open up, for the first time in my life. It’s a struggle for me and will continue to be so.