Archive for the 'submissive' Category

Reconnecting

Published on January 17, 2012 in anxiety, bdsm, blow jobs, bondage, D/s, emotions, exhibitionism, forced orgasm, happy, kink, masochism, mental illness, orgasm on command, piss play, restraints, sadism, sex, submissive, trauma, trust and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

It’s funny how after a period of time when I’ve felt disconnected or out of sync with MasterDoc, I find myself wanting him to assert his dominance during sex more than ever. There’s been a few times lately when I haven’t felt able to handle some things we’ve done. These are things that I’ve done in the past with no problem, but I’m going through a lot of sturm und drang as I acclimate to a new depression medication. (Several years on prozac and the damn drug seemed to stop working. I realize that happens frequently.) There was a time he decided to piss on me, and unlike my usual reaction of distaste but thinking his control over me is hot, I freaked out a little. I was downright belligerent even though my collar was on. I declined to use my vibe to come and just begged him to get it over with. I could see that I wasn’t in a mental state to handle it. In the end, I felt a little traumatized. (Meanwhile, he opted to piss on my ass as a way to soften the experience since he saw I was in distress.) Thankfully a good heart-to-heart talk later and I felt better. Gentlemen (Dominants in particular), saying you’re sorry after you’ve inadvertently and unintentionally freaked out your sub/lover is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that you’re a decent human being who wants the pain and the anxiety connected with bdsm to be pleasurable for you both. (Or, at minimum, not traumatic.) A simple, “I’m sorry,” even though you haven’t done anything wrong per se, is the most amazing balm.

There were a couple of other times where, in the midst of our usual amazing sex, he said or did something that didn’t quite affect me in the usual way due to whatever mental state I was in. I think a large part of this is how I’ve reacted to the new medication. I find myself feeling very much NOT an exhibitionist. (Uh, like, hello where did Nadia go?!) I find myself not wanting strange guys to grope me. Things that I used to love I’m not into suddenly. I’m also very inclined to withdraw both physically and emotionally from many things. I am loath to leave the apartment these days. I have done an extraordinary job of the lesbian sheep dance – above and beyond my usual. (I’m still seeing the elegant, sexy, Mexican lady I started seeing late last year. We’ve finally made out – due to her making the first move!! And I’m the one with experience with women. Oy. Words can’t describe how frustrated I am with my fucked up self right now.) While I’m still kinky as anything, I’m much more one-on-one than I used to be. Granted, I think I’ve been moving in that direction for a while, but there’s still a part of me that wants to be an exhibitionist. I can feel it still in there. Just not right now.

I appreciate the fact that I can talk so openly about what’s going on with MasterDoc. He’s quite analytical, so I can discuss my being unsure what’s a true feeling of mine and what’s colored by adjusting to a new drug’s action on me. He’s calm and can take criticism. He wants me to talk to him. If it wasn’t for him asking me a few times, “Is there anything you want to discuss?” I wouldn’t have opened up.

After our talk, we reconnected with sex, and I felt myself wanting more than anything to melt into subspace and have him show his dominance over me. I found myself thinking about the fact that he still hasn’t pissed in my ass (something he’s threatened to do and I’ve dreaded). It wasn’t that him pissing on me was a wonderful thing, it’s that he has the control over me to make me want to do dirty and disgusting things to please him. While not everyone feels this way, I find it exquisite to be under someone’s control like that. Not just anyone’s control, but this man who I’ve served for about four and a half years now, who has proven himself to be someone I can truly look up to, but also someone who’s human. There are times he aggravates me (rest assured I aggravate him often too) and I disagree with him, but I respect that he’s a highly intelligent man capable of introspection. He’s an interesting person because he has a mean streak – and when I’m in subspace that’s a fabulous thing – but also a great desire to take care of those he loves. There’s tenderness, but also sometimes a picky critic.

And then there’s the lover who knows my buttons so well. He can still make me come from just grabbing my hair and saying something dominant to me. *fans self*

There was a moment last night when he told me to put his cock head against the inside of my cheek so he could slap my face and feel it through my cheek. This was after some deep throating, which I’m getting better at doing. I can hold it longer without gagging. Although, I think I would like to have one of those porny blow jobs where I’m on my knees and he’s fucking my face while standing up, the drool running down my chin.

I found myself craving to please him but I also admonished myself not to get upset over not being perfect. That’s an unattainable goal and giving myself angst over it will only cause grief. But I love the moments when I’m in subspace and absolutely worship him. While it sometimes sounds like submissives are in a constant state of worshipping their dominants I think that a healthy relationship also requires being able to see your dominant as a human with foibles. Dominants can’t be perfect any more than submissives can.

The main attraction of last night was him restraining my wrists to his bed frame and then fucking the living daylights out of me. I have long been a fan of some restraint during sex. It makes me feel that more vulnerable to him, which sets me off even more. I think my brain was scrambled by the end, but happily so.

I’ve been working on being more vocal – not in the way of sounds (I am quite a moaner and screamer) but in the way of saying hot things. Begging for his cock. Telling him I crave his cock up my ass in that moment.

Half-Assed Blog Post

Published on December 29, 2011 in D/s, edge play, happy, humiliation play, kink, musings, needle play, piss play, random thoughts, sadism, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Beginning of blog entry #1. Around 12/9/11. Just a few jotted notes.

I wasn’t feeling horny when Shane was over. getting lots of cuddles. helping him a little as he jerked off.

sex next night with md. sucking his cock. him reaching around to get it wet and lubed. having me get on top to fuck. pushing myself close to the edge of orgasm, and for once really and truly reaching the point where i couldn’t stop myself from coming.

md would keep thrusting now and then, joking about Nadia the fucktoy who he could make come at his whim.

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Yup, never fleshed this out.

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Beginning of blog entry #2. Around 12/22/11.

I have been a bad blogger again. Enjoying fun things without taking the time to write about them. Life just seems so busy lately. It’s not the holidays so much as working full time, doing stuff around the apartment, seeing Shane, having a second date with the pretty lady (where I did the lesbian sheep dance once again! Baa!) and other assorted things.

And yes, I’ve been having a fair amount of sex.

Shane was over last night, and as we watched a show with DeeDee in the living room, he started getting me worked up. He played with my clit and strangely I felt self-conscious. I could not come. I felt like it was tacky to do around DeeDee while she was watching something. I know personally I don’t want my relaxation time (she’s been sick this week) interrupted by someone crying out in orgasm. Hearing it through a closed door isn’t bad. I did manage to convince him to head to the bedroom.

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Yup, more writing that was totally not fleshed out or completed.

Another notable night was a few days ago when MasterDoc had me kneel in the tub. As he prepped a spot on my upper breast with alcohol, he told me I could come either when I felt the needle go in my skin or I felt his piss on my body. I cringed.

I couldn’t come with the needle. It hurt too much for the first 30 seconds or so. But I kept playing with my clit as he continued to tell me to come. Eventually I came, terribly humiliated at coming as he pissed on me and went on about how I’m his dirty piss slut.

I have such a love/hate relationship with humiliation play. I find myself wishing MasterDoc would push me more and make me do things I find disgusting. But of course I also wish that it never happens. I don’t want to ask for him to do things he’s talked about having me do, because I DO find them gross. But on the other hand I’ve been trying to revel in being his dirty whore as I know he’s into that (and don’t worry folks, I’m into it too or I wouldn’t consider doing it). Whenever we see ass-to-mouth in porn I cringe. But he would love to do that to me. I asked him why the other night and he said, “Because it’s dirty and disgusting.” I keep trying to reassure myself that while it’s gross, it’s not harmful. (MasterDoc has explained that since the cock has been in your ass you’re not encountering any foreign bacteria and such.)

I’ve been trying to get better about calling him Sir. I was slacking off something terrible. I feel like our dynamic needs to be reinforced a bit more. I like that we can be casual with each other, but it can’t come at the cost of losing respect.

Last night I described him as a Sour Patch Kid. *grin* He starts out tart but ends up sweet. (Or, often, the other way around.) I love that he has both sides to him.

But, my friends, I promise a blog post tomorrow as I already have my part in Mia Martina’s “A Year of Sex” virtual book tour written and scheduled. See you then.

Knife Play

Published on December 9, 2011 in anxiety, bdsm, bondage, cunt, D/s, edge play, forced orgasm, happy, horny, kink, knife play, masochism, restraints, sadism, shio, squirting, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

This week I’m on the emotional roller coaster that is my monthly struggle with premenstrual dysphoric disorder. I feel like I’m constantly working to rein in the anxiety and agitation that goes with it. Taking a benzodiazapine helps, and since this is the only time of the month I need any, I can take it without worrying about tolerance or addiction. But even with medication, the mood fluctuations still exist and need management.

When I got to spend some time alone with MasterDoc on Tuesday, I was hoping for lots of cuddles and petting. I needed soothing to deal with the craziness that happens to me biologically at this time. I’m certainly getting better at dealing with it on my own, and this was never more apparent than when our naked time together started with MasterDoc laying with his back to me telling me to play with his ass to help him get off.

Starting off with his orgasm is rare. After all, men usually get one orgasm for the evening (unless they’re still young enough to get it up two or more times). The agitated part of me wanted to whine that I wasn’t getting the attention I needed. But the rational part of my brain said, “Ok, considering all the times he puts your orgasm first, you really need to be agreeable and allow him his release first tonight. (Not to mention the fact that he’s the Dom.) Also, you know he will make sure you are taken care of. It might not be penis-in-vagina sex, but he won’t leave you without orgasm or cuddles by the time the night is through.”

I worked through my whiny feelings and I did manage to enjoy making him feel good. By now I know just how to knead the muscles in his thighs and buttocks to make him twitch with pleasure. I slowly worked my way to his asshole, eventually sliding a finger inside. As I did so, I tugged gently at the entire perimeter of the sphincter muscle that holds it closed, working the muscle so it would relax.

After several minutes, MasterDoc came and I’ve learned by now to keep up the stimulation until he is done coming and indicates that I should slowly work my fingers out of him. I’ve been instructed to keep the pressure towards the front wall, so that any semen in the tubes gets gradually pushed to the tip of his cock and out.

I had made it through a selfish fit without throwing a fit. MasterDoc surveyed the toys I had laid out. (It’s my responsibility to set up the bed for sex. I put down the throe, make sure we have lube, condoms, my collar, my cuffs and any toys I might suggest for the evening.) He had already been concocting a scene, and the blindfold I laid out was definitely part of it.

Once I was in my collar, cuffs and the blindfold, he connected the cuffs around a pole that makes up part of the headboard. My arms were over my head now, and unless I was naughty and tried to uncuff myself, I was unable to use my hands. “I’ll be right back,” he said.

I tried to eroticize being left helpless. I felt excited wondering what would come next. After his return, he took a moment to raise the blindfold and show me what he had ready for play. My heart beat faster when I saw it was one of the knives from my kitchen knife collection. It was a small one, but I knew it could certainly cut me if used the right way. MasterDoc put the blindfold back over my eyes and the anxiety was something else!

You see, I have a bit of a knife phobia. I can handle using one myself, but if someone else is standing near me holding one (like those times when you start to talk with whomever is making dinner and they have a knife in their hand, which sometimes gets waved around expressively because it’s just there in their hand already) I get ridiculously flinchy. I could be five feet away but I’ll get anxious and hypervigilant of the knife’s location.

I knew that knife play, for me, would be very much about playing with my fears. (And, indeed, I had put the request in my wishing box.) I wasn’t as interested in cutting, although that can be part of knife play. Of course, since my brain chemistry was already rioting due to the PMDD, my phobia led me through some moments of pure terror that evening as MasterDoc ran the knife gently over my skin. He’d talk about making an incision on my inner thigh and I probably begged him not to. While the terror I felt was real, it was more like titillation as my subconscious knew I was ultimately safe. Even if MasterDoc did cut me, it would be careful and deliberate. And as a doctor he’d do anything necessary to prevent possible infection or complications.

I like fear play with someone I trust because there’s a certain exhilaration that occurs. I felt a little delirious with fear, but it most likely made my pussy wet. I’ve forgotten how exactly he made me come that night, but I came very hard, squirting a little bit.

In the aftermath, MasterDoc enjoyed showing me that there were in fact TWO knives. The sharp one he showed me, and a regular blunt dinner knife, which he used most often to run over my skin. The mind fuck was a success. My brain was convinced he was only using the sharp one.

I got the cuddles and petting I needed after the scene. And while I would have thought this week would be the worst time for something that intense, it was pretty amazing. I really loved it.

Bad Sex, A Date, Neon Wand, and Bondage

Published on December 4, 2011 in bdsm, bisexuality, blow jobs, bondage, caning, D/s, dating, dom, electrosex/tens unit, forced orgasm, happy, horny, kink, lesbian, libido, masochism, neon wand, non-monogamy, poly, restraints, sadism, sex, sex toys, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

The rest of the week, I had a busy but decent time at work. MasterDoc made me come a lot on Thursday evening just before DeeDee got home. (Actually, the time overlapped a little.) I love when he makes me delirious from pounding me hard and making me come over and over.

Friday night we had something we so rarely have – bad sex. Perhaps bad isn’t the right term for it, but for whatever reason I couldn’t get into it. He was in a rough mood and wanted to cane me, but, quite unusually, I wasn’t in a rough mood. (When this discrepancy in mood occurs it’s usually the other way around.) We played, but I had a hard time getting wet and wasn’t anywhere near coming while he fucked me. It’s such a strange experience the few times this sort of thing has occurred. MasterDoc told me not to worry about it, and for once I managed pretty well to not worry. After all, if someone else was asking my advice on the same topic, I’d tell them not to worry as sometimes things just don’t click sexually. It doesn’t mean anything ominous. We all have “off” nights. Considering how much fantastic sex we have the few times it’s not fantastic are barely remarkable.

I had a girl date the next day with a woman who contacted me on a dating site. She’s poly, identifies as bi but hasn’t done much (if any) dating women yet. We met at a small restaurant in Manhattan (that describes pretty much every restaurant in Manhattan) and had gluhwein – mulled, spiced wine. It was so yummy. I’ve looked up recipes but my lazy ass hasn’t gotten the ingredients together yet. The restaurant was quirky and the food was mostly French or German. I wasn’t sure how the date was going until she brought up my allergy to cats and she mentioned unfortunately she and her husband have two. She said she’d like me to be able to come over to her place sometime though. I grinned broadly. I told her that my level of allergic reaction does vary from cat to cat, and some cause only minimal distress. It wouldn’t hurt to try. The goodbye was my usual hug and air smooch by her cheek. I nearly worked up the chutzpah to kiss her properly just before we parted ways, but it ended up a slightly awkward moment, as I think a moment too late she realized I was trying to go in for an extra goodbye.

I think I need a theme song that will play here on any post where I do the lesbian sheep dance (see paragraph 8 on at the link). Any ideas? I like to think of Joan Jett’s “AC/DC” as my general theme song.

I enjoyed Saturday night with MasterDoc. I’m happy to report the sex was totally different than the night before. We tried the neon wand again, since it seemed pretty weak the first time. I say it’s no substitute for a violet wand really, but it can hurt, so as a toy in its own right I liked it. Not to mention it’s far cheaper than a violet wand. (This makes me think of MasterDoc’s pointing out that there’s a “Dom arms race” on – it seems like dominant men keep acquiring more and more impressive, expensive toys to try to outdo the others. His big purchase was the sybian.

I wore my wrist cuffs which we’ve been doing more of lately. I was over the moon when he decided to cuff my hands above my head, attached to the bed frame. This sort of thing turns me on so much! I have been trying to get him to do things like this for a while. (Maybe next will be a little physical struggle or pushing me up against a wall?) His bed is a large silver frame that looks like so many pipes joined together. It’s ideal for bondage. I’ve tried to get MasterDoc to try this for a long time, but he’s usually not fond of bondage because he wants me to be able to do all sorts of things to him.

We worked around it though. He tormented me with the neon wand for a while, threatening to put it inside my cunt. This panicked me slightly – it was a great mind fuck. I begged him, “Please, please Sir, don’t do that! Please!” I’m sure my wiggling and begging were a delight to him. He pointed out that it’s when the wand is slightly away from flesh that it sparks, and being in constant contact like it would be inside me it probably wouldn’t hurt at all.

He surveyed my position and wondered aloud if he could hold himself in position over my head long enough to get his ass licked. He decided he wouldn’t be able to hold it long enough to make it worthwhile. I’m glad he moved on to a plan b and came over to stick his cock in my mouth. He also lifted up his balls so I could lick them, and he seemed to enjoy even just resting his balls on my face while he stroked his cock.

He fucked me, and it was so hot to know I couldn’t get away. I realized that’s sorta silly since I wouldn’t try to get away anyway! But the helplessness is hot. He fucked me and it was like extra stimulation to have my wrists bound. I came like crazy. Since my arms weren’t free I couldn’t use them to hold my legs up. I worked muscles I don’t usually to keep them up. He made me come repeatedly and I held my legs up without support for much longer than I thought I would be able to do. I had a goofy grin on my face after.

Brimstone Reflections, Part III

Published on November 29, 2011 in assault, bdsm, Brimstone, consent, D/s, kink, musings, sexuality, stupid people, submissive and Uncategorized. 2 Comments

Perhaps the class that moved me the most was the workshop with Laura Antoniou. (Author of The Marketplace novels.) MasterDoc attended her class the day before on becoming a better dominant. He really enjoyed it and decided to assign DeeDee and I to go to the corollary submissive one the next day. Laura is really down to earth about bdsm. She points out that in real life, sometimes dinner has to be made and it’s NOT going to be the sub/slave doing it. Her novels, or any other bdsm erotica, films, etc. present fantasy – not reality. I think MasterDoc was blindsided when after the class DeeDee and I had things we want to discuss with him – unmet needs and that sort of thing. The discussion was largely about submissives being assertive about their needs, lest the relationship turn sour. She made the excellent point that “the gift of submission” is bullshit. Subs don’t do service for the thank yous, or because they think the sun shines out of the Dominant’s ass. They do it for the kinky sex! I get to play and have my fantasies fulfilled by my Dom in return for helping him with his life. And the truth is, he helps me in my life too.

Early on, she discussed the exercise of writing down 100 things you can offer as service. She encouraged us (and the Doms in their session) to break out of the “housework” box! There’s many other ways a sub can serve. For instance, when MasterDoc needs library books or something quickly looked up online, he turns to me. It’s something I’m good at and do all the time and I can provide that service to make his life easier. I think I’d like to take this on as an exercise. I may just walk away from it feeling pretty damn good about my talents. (Another exercise I might work on is what sort of puppy I’d be, and what I’d be called as a puppy.)

For most of the weekend, I reflected on how tolerant, respectful and loving the bdsm community can be. We’re fed this tale that bdsm is bad and religious people are the ones offering love and acceptance. Bullshit. There are tons of varied kinks but since we’re all reviled or denigrated in some way because of our kinks we come together to provide a place where we can just be ourselves for a few days. I see many transgender people at these events – is it that trans people are more kinky or is it simply that they find acceptance (and safety from violence) within the bdsm community?

There was a spa set up with people offering massages. I received a massage on Saturday night after our scene. While the entirety of my life experience with men made me a bit nervous to let a stranger massage me, I realized that most of the time I feel safer around kinkster men since there’s such a big emphasis on consent, respect and safety. The amateur masseuse was totally professional and respectful. My own issues with being able to articulate what I want became a problem as he did a fairly gentle massage that felt nice but didn’t leave my muscles relaxed like a more vigorous one. Not speaking up was my fault. MasterDoc and I identified this as something I need to work on in general – voicing my needs.

Just before I went away I finally heard from someone who worked for the Geeky Kink Event. If this person’s account is accurate, they handled things fairly well – except of course for getting in touch with me and telling me what was going on. One of them wanted to keep the dickhead from presenting but was outvoted. The guy who assaulted me tried to claim in a comment on Good Vibrations that, “It was concluded that she (me) described a consensual act, not assault.” That’s not at all what I heard from the event representative. I was told there were many sanctions placed on his behavior and if he was drunk or otherwise inappropriate he would be tossed out. There was concern and they took my complaints seriously. However, I do wonder at the fact that I asked if I could quote parts of their explanation to me – and they never replied. This paraphrasing will do. But quoting their own words would be more powerful. It makes me wonder if they don’t stand by their claims. Also, the representative claimed that he told my assailant that there were several complaints – but he figured out it was me right away. (I make no secret of my problem with him.) I knew that I took that risk when I spoke up. It was an overall lousy experience with this, but not as bad as some past ones. I offered to put them in touch with people who were in the room that night, as well as others who have had a variety of problems with him. They haven’t taken me up on it as of yet.

Brimstone Reflections, Part II

Published on November 29, 2011 in bdsm, Brimstone, consent, D/s, humiliation play, kink, musings, random thoughts, sexuality, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

We had some hot sex and scenes while away for the weekend. He used the clover clamps on my nipples two days in a row – something my nipples don’t usually have to deal with! Friday night we fooled around in our hotel room. We had spent time reconnecting and talking about my frustrations.

As he made me aroused while the clamps bit into my nipples Friday night, he said slyly, “You like the pain, don’t you?” It was a rhetorical question but one that made me feel a little embarrassed by my kink but also one that turned me on since it’s clear I’m such a dirty girl.

The following night we played in the dungeon. MasterDoc bought a new candle for wax play, one designed for that use. (It doesn’t burn as hot as regular candles.) I lay on a massage table and he teased me, aroused me, hurt me and made me come so hard. I wonder how many people looked over when I was making so much noise during orgasm. MasterDoc had originally planned to, I think, show off by having both DeeDee and I in a scene with him. Since I was having so much stress, he kept the play to just himself and me. I appreciate that he recognized that I needed special attention.

The classes at the event were interesting. We missed a few here and there and I think flexibility is needed at these events. If there’s something you really want to get to, make the time for it. But otherwise be willing to go get lunch instead of attending another class if that’s what comes up. We went to some together, and some apart.

I’ve gotten curious about such forms of play as age play and puppy play, so I went to some classes on them. I was definitely one of those people freaked out by age play when I first heard of it. The idea of someone playing the role of a young person in a sexual situation brings up thoughts of incest (ick) and pedophilia (ick), but age play is NOT either of those. It is consenting adults role playing. Over time, I’ve come to see that playing non-sexually as a young girl could be very freeing for me. Being a child and handing over your well-being to a grown up is pretty much on par with being a Dominant and submissive. Age play seems like it could be very nurturing, and would give grown up me a break from making decisions and taking care of myself. Also, considering I’m a grown woman who still sleeps with her teddy bear and blanky, I’d be a natural for this.

Only this weekend did I start to consider age play where I’d be in the role of a teen girl. As I reflected on this, I realized that as a teenager I was incredibly horny! I would masturbate more than once a day. I was eager to learn about the entire spectrum of sexuality. Emotionally at that time I wasn’t ready for a relationship or sex. But going back, playing the horny yet innocent teen discovering sex at the hands of a grown man (while I’m actually an experienced adult) could be very hot play indeed.

Puppy play is a little different, but again I was struck by how it’s just another form of Dominance and submission. There can be a dehumanizing aspect to puppy play, but it’s one of those rare times when being dehumanized isn’t necessarily bad. If you get into the role of puppy, you can stop (for a while) thinking about adult human stuff. You can just be a playful, affectionate creature without human concerns. You hand over your well being to a trainer or owner. Please note that these things are play – they are temporary. Engaging in puppy play doesn’t mean you live your entire life like a dog. You’re human.

We did a tiny bit of puppy play there. A room was set up for pony/puppy/kitty/littles play. I crawled around, got into the doghouse there and wrestled with the squeaky toy MasterDoc played fetch with. It was fun. In the class I attended (taught by the excellent Lochai), I realized that the puppy can be such an endearing character, one who brings up feelings of affection for the owner. It can be carefree play. And who doesn’t like a gentle scritch behind the ear? Hm?

We somehow accept getting shitfaced on alcohol as an appropriate way for an adult to escape their responsibilities and worries for a little while. Why would something far healthier like role play not be ok as an alternative?

Come Again?

Published on November 20, 2011 in bdsm, cunt, D/s, flogging, forced orgasm, happy, horny, kink, libido, masochism, masturbation, orgasm on command, restraints, sex, sex toys, shio, spanking, squirting, submissive, trust and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Posting has been thin because I’ve been sick. I didn’t have the energy for orgasms, or writing this week. I wanted to though!

But Saturday I got some alone time with MasterDoc and I’m finally feeling much better. He put my cuffs on my wrists. The collar stayed off until we got to the bedroom. We put on some kinky porn (a full length Device Bondage clip on pornhub – I selected it). It was pretty damn hot. I got up for a moment to get something and complained that I didn’t want to miss any. MasterDoc paused the clip, went into the playroom and came back with his small flogger.

“Want to know what you missed? This is what you missed,” and he started flogging my tits. It made me giggle until the left nipple got a particularly sharp crack that made me wince. We smiled and got back to the porn.

Soon we realized that moving to the bedroom was overdue. We moved his laptop so we could continue the porn. I love how her helplessness in bondage is brought up by the Dom. If that was me I’d be so on the edge of coming if it was pointed out that I was secured. I still remember playing around with bondage with my first boyfriend. (Oh gawd, that was just over 20 years ago. I feel old.) He tied me to his bed with his school ties (Catholic school boys are freaks). I would come even harder whenever I pulled at the bonds and felt held down.

Yes, I’ve been kinky as long as I can remember. That was just the first time I got to do those things with another person.

There was no bondage for me today, but MasterDoc did have me sit on the bed with my hands behind my head while he flogged my tits, thighs, tummy and pussy. Someone recently expressed concern (not to me directly) that I’m some abused, broken woman after reading this blog. As he flogged me and I thought about how much I enjoyed it, I shook my head (internally, not literally) and wondered how our fun and games could be so misconstrued.

MasterDoc decided we should take a break to cuddle while we watched the porn. I played with my clit and I could tell he was stroking his cock behind me. Unexpectedly, he told me to come. Holy shit. I hadn’t been anywhere close to orgasm but I came within seconds. He gently but firmly grabbed my hair as I squirted a load of hot girl come on the throe. I was surprised by how much I squirted. Squirting seems really sporadic for me recently, but I certainly needed rehydration after this afternoon.

Huzzah!

He wanted to fuck me, and watch the porn, so we set up the bed. I was on my knees and could not wait for him to put his penis inside me. While I kinda wanted to watch the porn, I totally forgot about it when he started fucking me hard. He’d slap my ass a bit and then plow into me with his cock. I wanted to come so badly, but I waited until he gave permission.

Once he did there was no stopping me. The woman in the porn was on a sybian, and I marveled at how, like that machine, MasterDoc can make me just come and come and come. Seriously. I can only imagine the fun we would have had had we met earlier, although I’m not sure I could have handled him at a much younger age than when I met him. I bit the throe for a while and tried to bury my ecstatic screams in the mattress. While the coming would ebb for a bit, he’d slap my ass and plow into me some more, and I would be delirious with orgasm once again.

I have no idea how long he made me come. Wonderfully long. As I collapsed next to him, I said, deadpan, “I’m so abused.” This was good for a chuckle. Why do I find it so funny? Because an abused woman isn’t being given lots of orgasms, followed by lots of cuddles. She doesn’t find her self-esteem growing as her relationship grows deeper with her man. I have to laugh at the absurdity of it or I’d be pretty pissed off by the assumption that I’m only with MasterDoc because… well I don’t even know why. He’s beaten me down? Er, no. He keeps me on tight leash? Hardly. (Although that might be hot now and then. *wink*) I’m dependent on him? Nope, I’m not. Only dependent in the sense that I turn to my chosen family for comfort, support and companionship. I depend on them for that.

I thought that was probably all, especially since MasterDoc has started feeling under the weather himself today. But the porn kept running and I soon buried my fingers in my pussy. He returned to the room after a few moments away to find me masturbating. We chatted a little, and I reached for the Hitachi. With his assistance, I came even harder than before. I think you can tell the depth of the orgasmic feeling by my voice during it – it was higher pitched for the orgasms during sex, but got really guttural when I came from the wand and his hand. As I started to come he pushed the head of the wand against me. Fuuuuck. He slipped fingers inside my cunt, and also touched various spots on my pelvis and thighs that send me reeling.

I squirted some more. And lay spent. I gave him a fuzzy smile.

Surely we were finished.

I can’t recall how it came about, but the man made me come again. I’m just such a poor unfortunate soul aren’t I?

Hell no, I’m a very sexually satisfied woman.

Cuddles and caressing his the “spot” on his chest topped off a very pleasurable afternoon. (I’ve discussed the spot before. This patch of hair in the center of his chest that is just so wonderful to pet.)

A Geeky and Kinky Weekend

Published on November 6, 2011 in anxiety, assault, bdsm, bisexuality, caning, D/s, emotions, exhibitionism, flogging, forced orgasm, kink, lesbian, masochism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, sadism, sex, sex parties, sexuality, shio, spanking, squirting, stress, stupid people, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

MasterDoc and I are home from the Geeky Kink Event. The idea of geekiness and kinkiness in one weekend was too much to resist.

Unfortunately, there were few sessions we were interested in attending – either they were too basic for us (such as the anatomy of masturbation) or just not well run. I can’t speak on the myriad sessions I skipped, but that was our general view. Also I run into the problem that I’m often not a geek for things that make up “geeky” events. I don’t watch Dr. Who (though I love Torchwood), or Buffy, or anime. I don’t know how to play many of the games geeks play. I needed a nice corner with Monty Python and popular music geeks to hang with.

I still had a good time. Our friend V. was there for the weekend with her girlfriend and I got to have lunch with them on Saturday. Shane was there, spending some time running (or attempting to run) games in the gaming room, but mostly spending time with an ex who had come along to hang out. (Alas, I did not get naughty naked time with Shane this weekend.) We met a cute, nice young woman who MasterDoc met on fetlife – she’s eager to become a librarian. After my initial advice of, “Don’t do it!,’ I followed that with, “Just kidding. But are you ready for a life of poverty?” It’s funny, I love my work in many, many ways, but knowing how tight the job market is, how difficult and stressful it can be doing more with less after massive budget cuts, I’m not as eager to encourage others into the profession. The profession itself is quite honorable – ensuring access to information to all citizens, regardless of income. (I speak from a public libraries point of view.) Like any customer-service kind of job, you deal with total assholes, but I’d say most people are at least ok to deal with, and others are just lovely.

Plus I get to buy books with money that isn’t mine. That’s awesome.

Friday night in the dungeon MasterDoc gave me a sybian ride – probably the first one I’ve had in months. Me and the sybian have been a little at odds with each other. Despite the incredible orgasms it can give me, I’ve gotten kinda sick of the machine as it eats up too much of MasterDoc’s time at parties. We put our differences aside, however, and I shrieked uncontrollably as I came. I find that I reach a point where I’m so out of breath I think I want it to stop, but then realize how good it feels and don’t want it to stop.

MasterDoc lay with me for a little while in the aftercare room down the hall. It was lovely to have an adorable young butch dyke offer something sweet to eat to help me recover. If I wasn’t such a scaredy cat at hitting on people I should have said she’s the something sweet I’d like. Since the mattresses were taken when we got there we ended up on a blanket on the hard floor. Oh well. The set up of water and snacks was such a good idea – every event should have an aftercare room.

All weekend, I was drooling over all the adorable baby dyke butches around me. I want one! My birthday’s coming up, will someone remember that for me? Mmkay? I got the impression that many of them were subs (collars being a clue) so I suppose I’m not really what they’d want. But if there’s a toppy, boyish, lesbian out there who’s interested, drop me a line. As much as I have a thing for transmen, I find that I prefer my butch lesbians to be boyish rather than manly.

It was fascinating to just people watch at the event. Lots of people wore costumes – Drs. Who and Horrible were pretty popular. One guy dressed as Dr. Horrible on Friday evening looked a great deal like NPH. There was a lot of steampunk aesthetic of course. There were sexy ladies walking around half naked, and even a few guys in that state. The creativity and gender bending was a lot of fun. Since it was a geek event, there was a preponderance of people who were perhaps social skills-impaired (or style-impaired), as well as a seemingly large percentage of the morbidly obese. (In costumes such as a Hogwarts school girl. Many things were NOT fun to see too. But I do my best to reserve judgement and support the idea that everyone deserves the right to dress up, or get naked in play space.)

We ran into a geeky, kinky woman we know who we haven’t seen in years. She didn’t recognize us because we’ve both lost weight and she had gained a little (in curves really, not fat, her tits looked amazing). MasterDoc finally got the opportunity to give her a sybian ride on Saturday night. I got my second one of the weekend that night as well, and squirted a fair amount. I hadn’t noticed Shane and his ex arrive in the dungeon because I was too busy coming.

The black cloud of the weekend was seeing the guy who sexually assaulted me several years ago. I knew he was going to be there since he was slated to teach one of the sessions (just the person you want to give some sort of legitimacy to by having them present at your event, no?) but it was still a shock and trigger when we went to the hotel bar for our free drink and there he was. I felt panicked and grabbed MasterDoc to tell him who was there. We got our drinks and sat down away from the douchebag and the poor unfortunate woman he undoubtedly got to pay for his hotel room. I had some PTSD to deal with when we hung out in our room waiting for dinner to be delivered.

He later appeared in the dungeon while MasterDoc was giving sybian rides, but I had popped a xanax by that time. He steered clear of me (if he recognizes me), I steered clear of him. Thankfully, I only saw him those two times. I was hoping I’d luck out and not see him at all. As I carried our heavy toybag down the hall Saturday night, I had a momentary fantasy of coming across him and feigning an accidental plowing into him with the bag. I’d say, “Oops. That was an accident. Don’t worry, it was just a bad thing that happened to two good people.” (He fed me that line while refusing to take responsibility for his actions after the assault.)

The shopping was fun – I mostly window shopped but I also bought a waist cincher that fits me. I need to sell off the two larger corsets I have. V. would like to try them on and maybe buy them from me. Fingers crossed they fit her. The hotel room had a full length mirror, and I rarely look in one, but I had to gaze at my transformed body for a bit. I understood how it is that people have told me I look even taller now. I do somehow. I guess because I’m narrower than before but still every bit as tall.

My new thinness gave me a certain boost of confidence, but my skin heard it was a geek event and decided to have a small breakout. Gee, thanks skin! Nothing like a big, red, cystic zit on the side of my neck, eh? There were a couple of equally red but much smaller pimples on my face. My bangs mostly hid those though.

Overall there were lots of nice and interesting people there. We didn’t end up playing with anyone we didn’t know (with the exception of MasterDoc giving a few ladies sybian rides). Our geekiness does translate into a little social awkwardness too. DeeDee is the social butterfly, but she wasn’t with us. I got to see intense scenes – one that I would NOT want to do myself, but it was intense and gripping to watch. A Dom used a staple gun to shoot staples into his subs upper arms. Youch. I cringed repeatedly, hopefully they didn’t notice or didn’t mind the reaction. There was a long-lasting flogging and spanking that was fun to watch too. MasterDoc gave me a caning before Saturday’s sybian ride, but that was our only bdsm play over the weekend.

Service – Knowing His Body

Published on October 26, 2011 in D/s, dom, musings, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

One of the many perks of being a dominant with a submissive is sorely overlooked. Sure, the sex when you want it and done to your specifications is awesome. Getting your housework done rocks too. But I think some dominants probably overlook the realm of physical care of the dominant.

MasterDoc has been encouraging me to write about how, in service to him, I have come to learn his body really well. I’ve surely mentioned it in regards to things like blow jobs, but there’s many other ways it comes in handy. He is thrilled that I’ve gotten really good at massaging his back. Two points that bother him a lot are his lower back and right shoulder. He’s given me a lot of verbal feedback over the years. Dominants, speak up!

I’ve come to pay attention to the underlying structures of his body with my hands. If you pay attention, you can feel where there’s a tense tendon or muscle and then work on loosening that up. I also have memorized the points that he reacts best to during massage. So when his shoulder is acting up, I can get right to the spot that helps.

The Good and The Sad

Published on October 24, 2011 in anxiety, crazy, D/s, depression, emotions, exhibitionism, mental illness, musings, show, submissive and Uncategorized. 2 Comments

I’m even more behind in blogging than usual. Over a week ago, MasterDoc and I did a show for the first time in a long time. It was a guy we had had over before, and like before I finished the scene with giving our guest a prostate massage until he came all over my tits. I have a few drafts, barely started, of posts about sexual things.

I’ve had some fantastic sex with MasterDoc. I also had Shane over last week (rowr); we hung out and again had awesome sex. I rode him, and when he’d reach his fingers to rub my clit I would grab my ankles and lean back a little. I think that’s when I came the hardest.

But the terrible part is, despite great sex, despite orgasms that blew my mind, I was mired in a severe depression for a few days.

This sucker was the type to blow all my usual depressions out of the water. When I was a teen, I was hospitalized for three months with depression. This felt like that sort of depression.

I thought I was all over this deep of an illness. I had matured, gotten medicated and better able to handle mood issues. But for the first time in well over a decade, I had fears of being hospitalized again.

I’m usually quite comfortable discussing depression. I feel that if it’s not talked about it remains mysterious and strange for those who aren’t mentally ill. But this time around I felt shame. I felt shame that I am so fucked up that I’m technically one of those people who are being made fun of when people joke about crazy people. (Pisses me off that if I had cancer or diabetes or some-such, the teasing would be just shocking to everyone and the jokers would be shamed.) I struggled with simply taking care of myself, which of course makes my submissive duties much, much harder. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t be a fully effective submissive.

I get pissed off that my illness could be used against me when I speak out about the times I was raped or sexually assaulted. My being mentally ill doesn’t mean those things didn’t happen, weren’t traumatic (to even an ordinary, mentally fit person) and doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be taken seriously. It’s so easy to take advantage of the mentally ill. People don’t take us seriously. We doubt ourselves a lot. Even when I’m not in an ill state, having “crazy” thrown at me (like after I was assaulted) stings like a motherfucker.

Usually, when I’m depressed I feel sad, out of sorts, have a hard time functioning. But this Friday-Sunday it was beyond that. I spent time with MasterDoc Saturday night, and despite amazing (truly AMAZING) orgasms, I cried as we cuddled after. I just couldn’t stop the tears. He’s one of the very few people I can relax around and just go with what’s going on. And it is amazing how he lets me cry and is just there for me.

On Friday, I felt like my chosen family wasn’t taking the severity of my depression seriously. But a talk with my friend DivaSub made me realize something – I have gotten very, very good at hiding just how mentally ill I can be. That conversation reminded me of one in high school with my best friend. I couldn’t understand how people didn’t know that I was totally miserable and anxious enough for regular panic attacks. My friend pointed out to me that I always seemed happy. I have become TOO good at not letting people know what’s going on inside. I think MasterDoc is the only person who I will let my guard down around and cry because of depression.

Let me explain for those who haven’t experienced it – it’s not that I’m sad 24/7 when I’m depressed. I have ups and downs, but my mood swings wildly and the downs are more frequent and much deeper than normal. I have anxiety that makes me not want to leave the house. I fear that the careful control I have will break down and I’ll be crazy in public. So the best thing to do is avoid being out of the house as much as possible.

I fear getting so mentally ill that I have to take a break from work. I fear that everyone will know then that I’m ill.

I hate the fact that I feel shame over this. I can’t control it. I’m not a bad person. But I have bouts when I’m quite depressed, when my brain isn’t working right and I can’t muster energy for basic functions. I’m sad and teary often. Please remember though, most of the time I feel quite mentally stable. (As I feel right now.) And this is probably true for a great many mentally ill people.