Archive for the 'stress' Category

Not All Nights Out Are Happy

Published on July 13, 2010 in D/s, DeeDee, Uncategorized, anxiety, blow jobs, emotions, exhibitionism, sex parties, shio, squirting and stress. 0 Comments

I went out to a party with MasterDoc and DeeDee Saturday night. I wasn’t entirely in the mood to go out, but I figured I could get myself in the mood. I put on some music as I got ready (Culture Club! I’m a total child of the 80′s.) and I perked up. The host of the party was the same guy who lent MasterDoc his paddle recently and his parties have always been good. We got there, to a space we’ve never been to, and my first impression was that the crowd was some how “dodgy” compared even to the usual swing club crowd. There seemed to be a whiff of desperation in the air much greater than usual. This could have been merely my perception, it’s hard to tell, but it set me up for feeling uncomfortable and unsafe. I told MasterDoc my impression, and DeeDee mostly agreed with the impression. But we wandered around and I stuck with them.

Taking a break on a bed, DeeDee was raring to go and while MasterDoc kissed me on one side, he reached back with a hand and played with DeeDee’s pussy. She came pretty fast and it’s impressive how quickly she gets worked up these days. I wasn’t comfortable enough yet so I was glad to snuggle a bit. I took my top off, to reveal the top half of the lacy, meshy slip I had borrowed from DeeDee to wear but I left my sarong on the bottom half. DeeDee is a few inches shorter than me, so a slip that’s short on her is practically non-existent on me. I could scarcely pull it down enough to go over my ass. Most women weren’t dressed too scantily, and this made me feel even more self-conscious. MasterDoc had me suck his cock while DeeDee cuddled with him, and I enjoyed making him twitch with my mouth. He had us change places a few moments later, and he and I kissed and cuddled while DeeDee made him twitch. The bed was uncomfortable – it was pretty much a leather (or pleather more likely) flat couch and it sunk in the section I sat on.

We got up and looked around some more, we ran into the party host and he showed us around. There were many “voyeur” or “peeping Tom” windows to the rooms, where viewers could pull back a curtain from the outside and watch what was going on in the room. This suited our sensibilities. But the lighting was exceptionally low for the most part. We got drinks and a nibble to eat, and MasterDoc sat us down in a well-lit and well-traveled area. A couple who had asked about our big For Your Nymphomation bag of toys, came over and MasterDoc gave them a tour of the inside of our toychest. I could tell MasterDoc was flirting with the woman, and she was rather cute. The guy didn’t thrill me and I didn’t really want to end up doing anything with him, but I knew that to help MasterDoc along I was going to be expected to.

As MasterDoc finished the toychest tour and went back to eating, I found myself sitting between him and DeeDee. They had me take off my sarong, so I was barely clad in the slip. (It’s black, lace underwire cups, mesh body and wide lace trim at the bottom.) I felt really self conscious for some reason last night. I still didn’t feel comfortable with the people there. And to be exposed in such a heavily traveled and well-lit area made me feel anxious. (MasterDoc later told me that he chose that place because it would be easy to keep control over what was happening. Too bad it didn’t feel like that to me.) He put my leg over his, so that my legs were partly spread. DeeDee did the same with my other leg. I felt anxious and so I requested the blindfold out of the bag. Some onlookers commented on how we had everything in that bag, but by blocking my sight I was able to block the onlookers out to an extent. MasterDoc toyed with me, and I had a hard time getting into it, but I tried my best. I was able to relax enough to enjoy his toying with my body, and he made me come hard in front of all those people. I squirted a couple of times on the vinyl bench and I worried that it would seep under my raised thigh and soak MasterDoc’s pants. He made me come for a long period of time and I came close several times to begging him to let me rest.

We cleaned up the bench with baby wipes after I was done. My ass was kept damp by the slip having gotten wet at the back. Luckily it was mesh so it wasn’t too uncomfortable to walk around in, in that respect. A guy who had been nearby watching with two women followed us over to the food table and he complimented me on the show. He was clearly interested, and he didn’t seem too bad – i.e., he didn’t trigger my sense of feeling unsafe. Maybe I was relaxing a bit. I needed to sit down, and MasterDoc found me a chair in the hallway. The couple from earlier came over and they were clearly interested in playing. The guy started getting close to me, and I could tell MasterDoc saw him stroking my shoulders and then gradually moving to my breasts. I wasn’t thrilled with the guy, but I was still just aroused enough that I could close my eyes and enjoy the feeling (forgetting who was doing it). MasterDoc joined in caressing me. The five of us went off to a room, the guy in the couple seemed quite uncomfortable with having an audience. MasterDoc explained how much we enjoy an audience. We closed the door to the room, so that only the guys peering through the perv window could see us.

DeeDee and MasterDoc talked about how not only is it his skills that gets him women, but also he has found very responsive women. He had DeeDee lay down and he brought her to orgasm quickly as a demonstration. The guy was turned on and asked if he could eat her out and he did so for a bit. DeeDee came again. The guy kept playing with her pussy and stroking her thighs and she had to beg for a break. (MasterDoc had to remind him a few times to stop touching her so she could rest.) He then reached to play with my pussy. I wasn’t interested or particularly comfortable, but I knew that MasterDoc wanted me to go along with things (although I felt unclear on the extent). My pussy wasn’t really wet enough but the toy bag with the lube was out of reach. The guy sat on the arm of the sofa next to me, and opened his jeans His lady sucked his cock and I felt a sense of relief to just watch, but he groped me as well and I sort of silently put up with it.

This is sad isn’t it? I was totally not into it and it was a little like when I was raped – I felt the activity was inevitable and so I quietly acquiesced and reminded myself it would soon be over. I tolerated it rather than enjoying it. Positions shifted and soon MasterDoc was playing with the lady’s pussy while she bent over and sucked her guy’s cock. The guy tried to go down on me but couldn’t get in a good position, so he played with my somewhat dry clit instead. I thought his skills were pretty dreadful. He beckoned DeeDee over and wanted her to suck his cock, she told him she doesn’t do that. He kept caressing her and I alternately and I worried that MasterDoc wasn’t watching. He was more than likely was keeping on top of his Domly duties and making sure I wasn’t being harmed, but I was feeling so unsafe that night that if he wasn’t looking in the direction of what was happening to my body, I felt like he wasn’t watching. (When we spoke later he assured me that he was in control of the situation.) While all this was going on, assholes kept opening the door to the room and not going away when we motioned for them to leave. It added to my sense of being unsettled and unsafe and I felt like the crowd was rude and pushy. I also got the sense that they were extremely straight and extremely vanilla. The guy in the couple, being uncomfortable with the crowd, ended up leaving with the lady after exchanging phone numbers with MasterDoc.

After they left, we closed the door again and MasterDoc attended to me. He went down on me, and I just kept feeling so unsafe in that environment that I couldn’t let go and enjoy myself. He tried placing pressure on my inner pelvis, but it just came across as uncomfortable. When it was clear I couldn’t relax, he came up and talked to me. I explained that I was fearful of being assaulted (and I know this wasn’t particularly rational, but I had images of aggressive guys forcing themselves on me while MasterDoc got pushed to the other end of the room by the sea of bodies). I was so clearly freaked out that MasterDoc decided we should go home.

I needed to use the bathroom before we left, and DeeDee went with me since she knew the door didn’t lock. She stood outside, looking formidable and Dommely with my riding crop. This helped a great deal. Ultimately, I felt uncomfortable enough (and somehow triggered enough) that anyone I didn’t know touching me was likely to freak me out. I had tried conveying my level of freaked outness to MasterDoc but I’m not sure I managed to do it adequately. He was keeping control of the situation from his perspective, but I felt very much like things were out of control – particularly out of my control. Some days I just can’t feel ok about “You will fuck whoever I tell you to.” When I’m in the right mindset it can be hot to be his whore and used by others at his discretion, however in the wrong mindset it feels like assault. I felt withdrawn and unhappy well into Sunday.

Mood Swings

Published on February 16, 2010 in anxiety, bdsm, crazy, depression, derangement, edge play, emotions, kink, masochism, mental illness, sex, sex toys and stress. 5 Comments

It’s hard dealing with mental illness. I suffer from depression and when it hits it makes everything seem terrible and insurmountable. When it passes, I think, “How silly that I was THAT worked up.” In the meantime, I’ve quite possibly put MasterDoc or Davey through hell. Thankfully, they both love me and understand that I can’t really control the depression. Doesn’t make it any easier for them to deal with it though. It’s also not fun for me either.

Yesterday was one of those days. I seem to be having more of them than usual lately. I plan to talk to my shrink about medication, because perhaps the regimen I’ve been on for a few years now isn’t working as well.

In a fit of pique, I declared on twitter that I was giving up sex. I’m sure people reading that knew it wouldn’t stick. By the time the day was over I had sex with MasterDoc (entirely of my choosing) and orgasms helped settle me. We’re working on ways to help head off these bouts via beatings (endorphins help), medication, orgasms, and anything else that might help level off or lift my mood. Unfortunately I was a teary, angry mess yesterday before things could be headed off. When I started to gain perspective on the situation (“Oh, I see! This is depression speaking and making everything seem so irreparably terrible!”) cuddles helped a great deal. I cried a lot, started getting depressed about having been depressed (not to mention having been so harsh to MasterDoc). MasterDoc and I laughed about that a bit – the whole getting depressed because I get depressed. It’s silly I know, but I do feel terrible guilt for being difficult when I’m depressed.

I appreciate all the support from my twitter and facebook friends as I rode through the turmoil yesterday. It’s wonderful that people I don’t even really know will offer words of encouragement and support.

That’s why I didn’t get around to blogging about my Sunday evening in with MasterDoc. It was a bumpy night in a way – there was sex, a break, MasterDoc not really feeling like doing a lot but meanwhile I was craving a long night of hard, rough sex. (Been watching too much rough sex porn lately.) He decided that he wanted to come, and we played with ourselves while watching porn. He was going to come on me but the spurts didn’t quite make it to my hip that was laying beside him. I used the magic wand on myself and thankfully MasterDoc gave me a little of what I was craving then. Hand on throat, slapped thighs, I begged him to hurt me. The roughness made me come so much harder than I would have with the magic wand alone.

I can’t wait to try more rough stuff with him.

Wishes Fulfilled

Published on February 10, 2010 in D/s, Uncategorized, bdsm, blow jobs, caning, edge play, fantasy, kink, masochism, nipple clamps, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, sex, sex toys, shio, spanking, squirting, stress, trust and wishing box. 0 Comments

I haven’t blogged in over a week, not content that I’ve generated at least. I’ve been dealing with a particularly rough bout of premenstrual symptoms and haven’t felt like writing. MasterDoc gave me a therapeutic beating last Wednesday that helped in the short term, but ultimately I was having enough internal issues that it didn’t last. Funnily enough, yesterday he and I both – separately – hypothesized that I may have PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). Definitely something I will ask my gynecologist about next time. I have about a dozen of the symptoms.

Today the symptoms are starting to break, but even yesterday I was feeling anxious and irritable enough to be struggling with it. I didn’t sleep over MasterDoc’s due to the impending snow (and I am glad I went home last night!) but I did visit him for a few hours.  We reconnected. He reassured me that yes, if I’m in emotional crisis like I had been last Friday night I did the right thing by getting in touch with him.

Since my mood was still unstable last night, MasterDoc declared I needed a beating and orgasms. And indeed they helped like they usually do. After he shook off the silly mood he was in, he had me lay down on the bed, face down and took the cane to my ass. The strikes focused my thoughts. I took the cane fairly well, but then he dribbled some melted wax on me. Yikes! It pooled slightly on my lower back and I kicked one leg up while trying to deal with the pain. The wax was particularly difficult to take last night. I seem to be out of practice. The caning continued and took me into subspace. I didn’t get wet like I often do but considering how not myself I felt that’s not entirely surprising. He used the little rubber flogger on me, the little ends gathering together to sting my ass.
He had me on hands and knees for some beating, and propped the magic wand against me but it kept slipping away from the perfect spot, so even though I had permission to come I couldn’t quite get there. I let MasterDoc know that it was sliding out of place, and he took over, pressing it against my clit, making me come.  He took out a toy that we haven’t really used yet: snake bite suckers. The set comes with two larger ones and one thinner sucker that’s just right for the clitoris. Thankfully he only put the larger two on my nipples. As my tits hung down he commented on how they resembled udders. He flicked them with his fingers which hurt. He has decided he really likes them, and as I can wear them longer than nipple clamps he plans to have me walking around the swing club with them on. He had me kneel up, and he tormented my nipples some more.

He had me lay on my back to be fucked so he could continue to play with the nipple suckers. He tweaked them, fucked me, slapped my face. I went from zero to sixty in about two seconds. He told me I could come at will and I came, but then I came even harder as he gently but firmly applied pressure to my throat for the first time. Previously I had been afraid of even the hint of breathplay as I’m asthmatic (and have experienced not being able to breathe. Not really fun.) but I had put in my wishing box that I was curious to try a little bit with him, since I trust MasterDoc to know what he’s doing (and to know what to do in case of an emergency). He pressed a bit harder than I had expected, grabbing my collar close against my throat. For a second, I wasn’t sure if I was scared of this…. but then I came, harder than I had to this point. I was amazed by how hard I came.

I was very, very happy and calm after that.

He next had me suck his cock, and he worked in yet another wish from my wishing box: grabbing my head and choking me on his cock a few times. I find that I don’t gag as badly as I initially thought and I really like that he’s got his cock shoved down my throat and his hand firmly on my head as the thrusts his hips upward. His cock gets extra slick with my saliva which makes it even easier than usual to suck. He had me rub his wet cock over my face and I did as I was told. (Of course.)

His cock hard again, he debated fucking my ass or fucking my cunt again. He eventually opted for my cunt and got me on hands and knees. He said I had been a good girl and gave me the magic wand to use on myself. He started off slowly, teasing. He’d then fuck me harder for a moment. I kept the wand pressed against my clit but he told me not to come until I asked permission. He wanted me to take my time so he could fuck me as long as he liked. I was moaning like crazy, feeling amazing even though I was holding back from orgasm. I almost didn’t want it to end. I wish I had a recording of my moaning and babbling at that point. Out of nowhere, he told me to come. And I came as he fucked me some more. When his cock was pushed out he slapped my cunt to keep me coming and I sprayed come all over my hand, the throe, and the magic wand.

I was in a wondrous daze after that orgasm. It was hard to find somewhere to lay down since there was a big puddle, but I sat against the wall, legs splayed. Despite using the menstrual cup, there was a smudge of blood on my leg (and the come that came out of me was tinted pink due to some menstrual content.) My hands felt like they were buzzing, and it took me a moment to realize this was from holding the magic wand to my clit for a while. I felt positively amazing. If they could make that feeling into a pill form I think I’d become addicted. Oh yes.

After I cleaned up, we sat in the living room and he put on the basketball game. He had me grab pillows so I could sit on the floor at his feet – another thing I had requested in my wishing box. I happily played with my new smart phone while I sat on the floor between his legs. Occasionally I’d hug his thigh and kiss it. And other times he’d smack me playfully with his hard cock. It was an evening I sorely needed after the emotional upheaval of this month’s cycle.

Savoring Submission

Published on November 25, 2009 in D/s, Uncategorized, anxiety, bdsm, blow jobs, edge play, embarrassment, exhibitionism, humiliation play, kink, masochism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, piss play, sadism, sex, shio, spanking, squirting, stress and submissive. 2 Comments

I was feeling very cuddly and obedient Tuesday night. I threw in many “Sirs” that weren’t even strictly necessary. After my emotional outburst of the week before, it felt comforting to submit. To be his. At one point while we were cuddling, it felt like being in his arms was the most amazing, pleasurable place I could be. He counseled me over not letting work stresses and atmospheres push me into depression. Having him guide me is so very important. I still wince and shudder when I think that out of depression I nearly walked out.

He had me suck his cock. I suppose a good nickname for cocks would be “slut’s pacifier.” It’s not only hot to suck him til he’s good and hard, it’s also a comforting place to be. When I’m truly engaged in it, I don’t think about my problems. While I sucked, he talked about rough riding me. (Definition 1.2) He was going to let me use the Acuvibe on my cunt while going down on him but I couldn’t get in a good position to do so. So instead he told me I’d better get myself wet through thinking nice thoughts.

He told me that he’s trained me really well in sucking cock. He likes the way I take it in deep. He grasped my hair at times, and the whole situation was making me horny. The idea of unlubed sex with a stranger? Horrifying. Idea of unlubed sex with my Dom – hot beyond belief. Also, I was aroused, so I figured that I was likely to be at least somewhat wet.

He had me put a condom on and then suck his cock some more. The condom had the most vile tasting lube (w/ nonoxynol-9. I thought they banned that shit!), however, I was in full submissive mood so I just did as I was told and resolved to only mention the putrid lube later. Instead of taking his cock well into my mouth, I ended up doing a lot of spitting and drooling on it to wet it (and to avoid getting more lube in my mouth).

The Fascinator Throe is in the laundry, so we only had a towel to make sure I didn’t wet the bed with my come. He had me get on hands and knees. He slapped my ass and said, “Here’s your foreplay!” He spanked me some more. He knows just the right amount of roughness to get me going.

He fucked me, and certainly I wasn’t completely dry. The idea of him forcing his way into me got me lubed up in no time. He said, “Who needs lube?” Apparently not us as my pussy did what it needed to do.

He fucked me for a long  time and alternately slow and fast. My head ended up way down on the bed so that my ass was as accessible as possible. “Take that, bitch!” In a consensual act of sex that’s fucking hot.

At one point he had me squeeze my vaginal muscles then release. He then resumed fucking me. I started to worry that I wouldn’t be able to hold back from coming after giving the clenching a test. He teased me and I struggled with finding that balance between enjoying the feeling and not getting so aroused I come. I love when he drags things out and keeps me on the edge of orgasm for a while. I love when he fucks me.

Eventually, he had me come and slapped my cunt to keep me coming after his penis was pushed out. He starts to gently touch my pussy and he gradually does more and more, teasing my hole, which makes me come more. As he slowly moves to putting his fingers inside me, I’m so hot with the desperate desire for him to violate me more blatantly. By his holding back a bit I think I came harder than I might have if he had just started in fingering me hard. But did I yearn for those fingers inside me! I love when he fingers me. I squirted…and missed the towel. Doh. But by bedtime the bed was dry.

I was feeling really cuddly after I recovered from the intense orgasms. He provided aftercare in a really good way at one point – he propped his book on my back and sat there reading, all the while caressing my butt, back and thighs. It was needed attention coupled with just a wee bit of objectification. I later enjoyed laying my head on his tummy, thinking that I should savor that moment in case he loses weight and has less tummy in the future. While I wholeheartedly support him losing weight to be healthier, I do like his tummy. But I’d definitely sacrifice his tummy for his health.

By the end of that evening, I had forgotten about the upcoming threat of the weekend. He’s having a guy who has come for a few shows with DeeDee come to see me – and to watch me pee. I am phenomenally pee-shy. I am terrified. He says that it’s ok, I can take as long as I need. But jeez, it might take me all weekend to relax enough to do that! And it doesn’t help knowing that the guy likes the humiliation of making a woman pee in front of him. He’ll love my struggle and anxiety. But while I’m scared, I’m also keen to do as I’m told. MasterDoc wants me to do it, so I want to succeed to please him.

While thinking about this that night I realized that I truly am a masochist. It’s not just a physical thing, but I get turned on by him pushing me outside my comfort zone. I get off on him making me hurt mentally (but as we discussed then, it’s about pain but never scarring or permanently injuring – mentally or physically. Ok, maybe a little physical scarring if it’s consensual.) While I’m terrified about peeing in front of someone, the idea that he’s making me do it is a turn on.

Stress Relief

Published on November 25, 2009 in D/s, Uncategorized, bdsm, cunt, masochism, nipple clamps, orgasm on command, sadism, sex toys, stress, submissive and wax play. 2 Comments

Work has been stressful lately, which sounds ridiculous since it’s a public library and not a highly competitive corporation. But mismanagement will create stress no matter where it occurs.

Thankfully, I have MasterDoc to torment me and make me forget about my stresses.

On Monday he blindfolded me. Just prior to this, he had me gather my collar, the Acuvibe mini, condoms and lube. He gathered the candle for waxing, nipple clamps and clothespins.

Unfortunately my good Liberator blindfold was missing (found it later though), but I behaved and kept my eyes closed beneath the so-so blindfold we did have handy.  So when he started dripping hot wax on my tummy, it came as quite a shock. I could tell that it was just a little ways off from my scar from the laparascopy in October since that’s a little more sensitive than it used to be. He dripped wax on my thighs and it felt like he was holding the candle quite near – which those of you in the know realize makes the wax hotter when it hits your skin, rather than giving it a second to cool slightly. I’d cry out, flinch but try to regain control of myself as soon as possible.

He had me turn over onto all fours, and dripped some wax on my back, all along the length of it. I felt him sit on the bed next to me, and he grasped my nipples roughly between thumb and forefinger. He put clothespins on my nipples and they pinched something awful. He flicked my nipples repeatedly. And this pain made me feel like my cunt was on fire. It hurt but it turned me on like crazy. He poured more wax on my back and took the vibrator to my clit. I humped the Acuvibe as best I could, moaning.

He had me turn over, clothespins still on. He flicked my nipples some more, poured more wax on me. He removed the clothespins and gave me the Acuvibe to use on myself. I reached down and spread the wetness seeping from my hole all over my pussy and used the vibe on my now lubricated clit. He sadistically poured hot wax on my sensitive nipples. The vibe was running down a bit but I kept rubbing it against my clit, slowly approaching orgasm. I heard him gather more stuff from our dresser filled with toys. He lubed me up with the tingling lube and I felt a hard, cold dildo pressing against my cunt. I couldn’t tell if it was a glass dildo – something I assumed it was until I later found out that it was my acrylic dildo. He slowly fucked me with it, working me up. Then came faster fucking and even faster fucking. He told me to come and I came hard, long, and over and over. I sound like I’m straining when I come these days. I tense up my neck and shoulders a lot and lift my head off the pillow. He forced me to come over and over, despite not being able to breathe, until I was totally satiated.

After this, all the stress had drained away from me. I was at peace. Being under his control is better than medication. He plays my body like a virtuoso plays the violin. I get to see him this weekend and I can’t wait!

Mid-30′s Crisis

Published on November 17, 2009 in Uncategorized, anxiety, crazy, depression, derangement, embarrassment, emotions, happy, impulses, mental illness, monogamy, musings, neurosis, non-monogamy, poly, stress and venting. 3 Comments

I had a meltdown today. It was a combination of factors. I turn 37 tomorrow. Like other women my age who have not had children I’m starting to get scared about the fact that every passing year my ability to have a child lessens. I’m not even sure I want a child. I get these little fantasies about having a little girl (yup, typical!) and teaching her things, taking her to her first day of school. But when I give it more considered thought I realize that I would have to drastically change my lifestyle. Obviously whoever I had the baby with would be the person I spent the most time with as we would be raising a child together. What would happen with my other relationships? It would be much harder to get away to spend time with MasterDoc, or go to a swing party, or get a good beating. Up until a couple of years ago, I was dead set on NOT having a child. And I figured if I changed my mind late in life I could adopt – because ultimately I don’t have the feeling that I have to give birth to a child to love it. I realized that I didn’t want to sacrifice my life enough to do so, and that knowing that and living childless would be the smartest option for myself and any child I could potentially have. If I’m going to parent I want to be committed to it 100%. But the question is, do I want to commit to it 100%? Or even 60%?
So I’m going through this “baby” crisis I’m sure other women my age have gone through. I worry – will I get to old age and feel like I missed out on an important life experience? Who will take care of me when I’m old? But on the other hand I’ve long had worries that I’d be like my mother and have a rough relationship with the child and I really am NOT close to my mother. Having a child doesn’t guarantee having someone around to take care of you when you’re old. I think this has also hit now because over the past three years or so suddenly my friends went from being all unmarried and without children (with rare exceptions) to some of them being married, having kids, settling down. Or being a bit older and having done the family thing and now moved on to enjoying the time they have now that their kids are grown.
There’s also the fact that I could see myself co-parenting with MasterDoc, but as he’s in his mid 50′s he’s not interested in starting over again. He has a kid in college. He has a lifestyle he’s presently happy with. While there have been men in their 50s (or even older) who have fathered children, it’s understandable that most people in their 50s (and up) don’t want to start all over again. And while Davey adores me and would do the family thing if I really wanted one, he doesn’t really want it himself and I think that we have enough similar weaknesses that perhaps he’s not the best one to parent with. And again, do I actually want to do that anyway? Is the desire to have a child based on reality or based on hormones or a sense that time is closing its window for me?
So today I was in crisis. I’ve also been realizing that probably I won’t be as important as I’d like to be to MasterDoc (and that I’ve been terrible in taking Davey for granted). I wondered if I should break up with MasterDoc and go find another Dom who wants more closely what I do. We spent a very teary afternoon talking, and I made him feel terrible. AND I made myself feel terrible. I don’t really want to leave him. I have a wonderful time with him. My life is enhanced having him in it. So it’s not perfect, but you know, it’s really asking a hell of a lot for a relationship to be perfect. I have two wonderful, imperfect relationships with two good men who love me. Maybe I need to spend a little more time appreciating how happy I am much of the time.
I think part of the problem is that I suffer from depression – and so if I feel at all sad or dissatisfied I go off the deep end. I pull away. I bottle things up. I think in black and white. Negative thoughts spiral out of control in my head. And then like a volcano eventually I explode. It’s perfectly reasonable that I’m sad that things with MasterDoc will probably never be the intensity I’d like. But it’s not reasonable that I think it means I have to pull the plug on something that makes us happy.

I’m worn out this evening from the tears. I really do a bang up job of making myself unhappy. I was so utterly and completely miserable. I can’t believe that earlier today I was considering walking out of MasterDoc’s place and going home for good. A better indication of how this was depression rather than what I truly wanted is that I couldn’t picture doing anything other than committing suicide if I walked out of there. I pictured going home and putting my head in the oven. (Goes back to the old affinity I had for Sylvia Plath as a depressed teenager.) I felt horrible. I felt horribly unhappy. I only focused on the imperfect things and forgot the wonderful (perfect even!) facets of my relationship with him. I got extremely morbid and started figuring out that I have enough money in my bank accounts to finish off any outstanding medical bills and cover a funeral for me. I saw no future other than a dark tunnel and death.

I need to spend more time thinking about this baby issue, but thinking about how my life would change if I did it, rather than the idealized fantasy. Life is not one big idealized fantasy. I espouse polyamory virtues right and left but then I find myself thinking that I need to have one relationship meet all my needs. I have more than one relationship of value in my life. I need to start focusing on that. I think I need to deprogram society’s monogamous ideal from my head even more. I can’t see myself not being with Davey or MasterDoc. Why on earth do I feel that I need to focus on one relationship? When I was monogamous, I was never quite happy that I couldn’t explore things with other people.

The sad part is that I may be making up things to be unhappy about. I may be dwelling on things I don’t even want in reality.

Floating World, Days One and Two

Published on August 24, 2009 in D/s, DeeDee, Floating World, Uncategorized, anxiety, bdsm, blow jobs, edge play, emotions, exhibitionism, kink, masochism, non-monogamy, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, poly, sadism, sex, sex parties, sex toys, shio, slut, spanking, squirting and stress. 1 Comment

MasterDoc and I got a late start leaving his place, so we arrived late at the convention center. The first class was in progress around that time, so we opted to wander the space and look around, check out the play equipment and briefly look at the vendors. Then we went to the hotel and got settled. We went out to dinner at a nearby Italian restaurant – I was wearing a low cut top by that time. My cleavage got some double takes at the restaurant. After dinner, we went back to the hotel and met up with DeeDee. The three of us went downstairs to the meet and greet in the hotel lobby, but none of us were very good about striking up conversations with new people, so we went over to the play space in the convention center.

Walking in was magical – it was like some grand, perverse, adult Disneyland. Huge suspension frames towered overhead, and the music added to the atmosphere. MasterDoc was being very attentive to DeeDee as she’s very new to all this; apparently (I know now) he was concerned that it would be overwhelming and freak her out. I however had a hard time with being relatively ignored despite realizing that yes, she was new and could use some attention. After all, despite my experience in bdsm and playing in public, I was overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of people around at the event. I had also earlier voiced my preference that he and I attend this event alone, since it was the first large scale kink event we had managed to get to. So Friday evening, I had a meltdown. I felt ignored and so frustrated with the idea of being ignored the entire weekend since I was the “experienced one.” I grumpily sniped at MasterDoc a bit and he pulled me aside to discuss the issue. He decided that the three of us would play, and the focus would be on me to help soothe my feelings of being ignored. Unfortunately, at this point I was in such a negative headspace that I couldn’t get into it. He had me lay down, naked on a futon and he and DeeDee played with my body a bit. Now, none of this unhappiness is personal to DeeDee – I like her a great deal; she’s a nice, smart, attractive lady who has always been respectful of the relationship I have with MasterDoc. I’m glad that she and I are becoming friends. The issue I was having was not her fault. MasterDoc tried to make me come with the acuvibe, but my head just kept mulling over how I felt frustrated that DeeDee would have to be included in everything we did that weekend – that I wouldn’t have the time alone to play or cuddle with MasterDoc that I wanted. And this alone time was important to me, because even though I’ve had a lot of fun with MasterDoc and DeeDee together, it does change the dynamics of the situation. So as this scene went on, I couldn’t come and when MasterDoc slapped my thigh it really hurt and I nearly started crying. I could not get into the right headspace. We ended up scrapping the scene, and walking around watching the various play going on around us. Back at the hotel, MasterDoc and I had a good talk.

Saturday morning I was feeling better, especially since MasterDoc had reassured me the night before that he and I would have some play time alone that night. After breakfast, we went to a piercing/needle play class. It was a 301 level course, but I hadn’t seen any lower level piercing course and I was really keen to learn about play piercing so we went. The demo model is clearly experienced in this sort of play as she never once cried out in pain as she got jabbed with needles, or the needles were twisted around in her flesh, or the inserted needles were pounded against by the instructor. People who wanted to got to don gloves and give it a try on the model – MasterDoc gave it a go. Being a medical doctor, he has experience using needles, just not in this pervertable way. I was keen to try it myself, but as a bottom. They lay me down on a table and prepped my arms with disinfectant. MasterDoc slowly pierced the flesh of my upper inner arm with a few needles. It hurt, but I could handle it. Then the instructor of the class came over and jabbed me with needles and thumped against the painful area with the needles still in. Yikes. For the rest of the weekend I referred to hear as the mean lady who had hurt me. (Grin.) I bled much more on the side that she did, and after a particularly harsh jab from her, I cried out, “Ow! Don’t let her do that!!” My arm bled a bit on that side, but I’m not fazed by a little blood. MasterDoc helped me clean up and recover after. I was a bit irked by the fact that the instructor was so focused on “Well this is a 301 level course,” that she didn’t listen when MasterDoc explained that while that’s true, I was totally new to needle play. He asked her not to get too rough with me and she didn’t listen. So much for consensual. Funny thing is, later on the side MasterDoc did bruised quite a bit and the other side barely did. But the other side still hurt more.

I did have some endorphins flowing afterwards, and I needed a bite to eat. DeeDee had joined us by this time and she had a protein bar in her bag which helped me come back down to earth. When I was ok, I left them to attend a panel discussion on how to make a living doing bdsm.  MD and DeeDee went to “rope bondage for the knot challenged.” (MasterDoc is surprisingly not good with rope, by his own admission.) The panel discussion was lively and featured Dr. Clockwork, Lee Harrington, John Baku, Jay Wiseman and Nina Love. I was taken by Lee Harrington’s sense of humor and skill at leading a panel discussion.

Next, MasterDoc and I went to a class on consensual non-consent. I really liked how the myth of it being “the top can do anything they want to the bottom then and the bottom can’t safeword” was dispelled. Still, I’m curious about some consensual non-consent play. I need to explore why I’m interested and discuss it at length with MasterDoc before we do any.

We three had dinner and then went back to hotel for a nap and shower. DeeDee opted to stay in so MasterDoc and I could have some time alone – which I really appreciated. He and I went to play space and wandered around, watching the various play going on. I felt anxious to play and when MasterDoc commented on that choice of words (why not “eager” he asked) I explained that large crowds make me feel socially ill at ease and if we were actively playing I wouldn’t feel that. I wore a hot outfit that night – plaid schoolgirl skirt, fishnet stockings, red bra with black mesh top over it and black waist cincher. For our first play, he spanked and paddled me as I knelt on a futon. He had just bought a new paddle that day and this was the first time he had tried it out. I like it so far. He gave me a good hard spanking and then made me come with the acuvibe. After a short break, I stroked and sucked his cock to hardness (no penetration without condoms in the play space at Floating World, so I couldn’t just suck him hard w/o the condom on.) When he was good and hard I rode him until I had an amazing orgasm. As I came, he slapped my face roughly and called me whore – oh boy did that make me come harder. Even after my muscles had pushed his cock out I kept coming and convulsing as I lay against his chest.

We were both hungry by this time, so we went to the midnight buffet. Unfortunately this consisted of cold pizza and salad. Still, food was needed. We wandered around some more, watching. I saw some littles play and commented to MasterDoc how I don’t get it, but I did have to admit that it was cute when I watched it – just not what would turn me on. There were (human) ponies all dressed up, pulling carriage rides. I saw some beautiful suspensions. We looked for another space to play and pretty much everywhere was taken. Eventually I snagged another futon. This time he used the clover clamps on my nipples as I sat cross-legged facing him. Jesus do those things hurt. But I followed his orders to breathe deeply and slowly so I could manage the pain. I found that after a while the pain would subside and I’d feel all hot and aroused in my cunt. It would hurt again, however, and after a short while he took them off, having me take a deep breath as he released their grip on my nipples. Then he lay me down and used the acuvibe and archer wand (I love glass toys!) to make me come so hard I squirted and even dampened my skirt despite having pulled it up to my waist. He made me go back to the hotel with my skirt all wet – I wasn’t allowed to dry off all of my come.

After this wonderful evening, we went back to the hotel. At his suggestion I showered since I was more awake then than I’d be in the morning. We fell asleep and I slept soundly until MasterDoc’s alarm went off and he cuddled me to wake me up.

Beat Me til the Endorphins Flow

Published on August 18, 2009 in D/s, Uncategorized, anal, bdsm, blog, cunt, flogging, kink, masochism, masturbation, poly, sadism, spanking, stress and vacation. 3 Comments

I’m enjoying a staycation this week, mostly knocking about the local area and crashing at MasterDoc’s. I thought I’d be home half the time, but I’ve ended up at MasterDoc’s more than I thought I would. I took myself out for afternoon tea today, and it was a lovely way to spend an hour (while reading). Today has been fairly relaxing. I’m going to do a little cleaning around MasterDoc’s, but nothing terribly taxing.
I had a hard time yesterday; Davey and I are having issues in our relationship and we had a difficult talk the night before. I don’t want to go into detail here, but I’m hoping we can work things out. Talking with MasterDoc and getting cuddles from him yesterday helped me get some focus on the issue. Plus, he gave me a beating I sorely needed.

Last night I was interviewed by The Oh Team for their online radio show. I’ve never been interviewed like that before but I had a good time and it was easy to talk since the topic was sex. Their podcasts are available free on iTunes, so be sure to give my episode a listen when it becomes available (8/17/09).  During the show, the hosts remarked that I should be spanked for having not listened to any of their shows before going on. I didn’t quite notice, since I was focusing on the interview at hand, but MasterDoc (who had been listening to the broadcast in the next room) ducked his head in and swung his hand back and forth, miming giving a spanking. Hee hee. I did point out to the hosts, however, that I was getting a beating that night from my Dom, if that made them feel any better.

So after the show, me and MasterDoc met up in the spare bedroom. He was feeling sorta cuddly at that moment so we cuddled for a bit, but he did manage to psych himself up for giving me a beating. I was definitely overdue for one – I’ve been out of sorts lately. The beating was fantastic – hands and floggers and the mean strap. He’d start out light, at a level where the beating is more like a massage, but then work up to something more intense, and the pain would start. He takes me into the pain zone, keeps me there a short while, and then backs off to a tolerable level. He’s very good at telling when I’m reaching my limit – I make noise when it hurts too much. Up and down the level of intensity goes until I’m in another place entirely – not only in my head, but I’m very much in my body as well. The outside world ceases to exist – it’s similar to meditation in that way.

He had me flip over and sit up, and he flogged my breasts and inner thighs. He snapped the flogger hard against my left nipple around three times, and the pain was something else. He took a moment, reminded me to breathe deeply, and then he flogged some more. It’s funny, when something really hurts I want it to stop, but then if he did stop, I think I’d be terribly disappointed.

He had me get back on hands and knees and beat me some more. I think I had fallen into the rhythm of the beating by this point, and mostly surrendered to whatever pain it brought me. He told me I could play with my cunt, so I did. I wasn’t sure if I could get my arousal up to a point where I could come, but then he prodded me, by telling me I could continue or stop. When given the choice I opted to continue – somehow his suggesting I stop suddenly turned me on to no end and I wanted to come. I rubbed my clit furiously with my right hand while supporting myself on my left arm. He beat me some more and the beating brought me even closer to orgasm. He gave me permission to masturbate to orgasm if I liked and hitting me just intensified rush of pleasure in my clit. The hitting helped me reach orgasm, and I was happily surprised to reach it that way, since I’m very much used to having a vibe on my clit and not using just my hand to get off. I stroked my clit feverishly as I came, I could feel my diva cup inside me as my vaginal muscles clenched around it. (I have my period.)

For once I didn’t keep going until he had to tell me to stop, I wound down slowly and brought my hand away from my clit. MasterDoc told me I could fall forward and I lay on my stomach, catching my breath and basking in the afterglow. He climbed into bed next to me, cuddled me, and I could feel the endorphins rushing through my veins. It was quite similar to taking a drug (like, say, ecstasy) and my mood was elevated and the feel of endorphins rushing around my body felt amazing. I wish everyone could understand how a beating can be soothing, invigorating, arousing and an act of love.

As an aside, at some point during the evening we commented on the idea of how I’ll be handy when MasterDoc is in his dotage and needs an adult diaper. Heh, I can’t remember exactly how we got on the subject, but it’s probably just as well I don’t share it. It dawned on me then, that a submissive would be more ready for such intimate care than, say, someone in a vanilla relationship. After all, in my vanilla relationship, if we use an anal toy, you wash it if it’s been in your ass. But in a D/s situation, the sub washes it regardless. After being so intimate as to wash your Dom’s anal toys, to massage his ass in great detail to help him get to orgasm, and even having had a bit of his poo on your finger after having it up his ass, you’re quite set to do something like change an adult diaper. While some vanillas do know their partner’s ass pretty intimately, I think that level is more likely to exist in a D/s relationship.

Today I have a small bruise on one ass cheek – it’s really a pity that I don’t bruise anymore. I think there’s also a small bruise on my inner thigh. But nothing like the colorful marks that were left when he first started beating me two years ago. (I still bruise easily on my arms and legs when I bump into things – I’m a total klutz – but my spanking zone doesn’t really bruise anymore.)

Welcome to my Anxiety Closet

Published on February 25, 2007 in anxiety, latina and stress. 0 Comments

I seem extra anxious this week. I worry about every little thing. Sometimes that worrying is rooted in a valid worry – i.e., the Irishman is married just as my gut feeling told me and I don’t know for sure if he’s telling the truth about it being an open marriage or if he’s lying to me. Other worries, are less rooted in reality.

I got an email from the Latina. A long friendly one where she takes the time to address anything I mentioned in my last email from a few days ago. She addresses one issue and at first I read it as her being ok with the idea of some risk. I was overjoyed and ran into the kitchen to tell Davey. But then, I started overthinking her words and wondered if I read it right. I had Davey read the email and he insists I’m just being paranoid. I’ve re-read the email and half the time I think I’m being paranoid the other half of the time I think I interpreted her words wrong the first time. *sigh* She leaves in a few days on vacation, so I hope that I hear back from her before then so I can put my fears to rest and know what the deal is.

I’m such a worrier. I hate this. I used to scoff at my grandmother when she’d worry about any and everything, but meanwhile I’m not all that different than she is. I think I’m going through a particularly anxious time right now, and that at another point in time I’d be on a more even keel. I’m starting to wonder if my meds are exactly right for me or if they need further tweaking. Or better yet, if I just need to find a way to work through being anxious all the time.

Downhill

Published on February 21, 2007 in anxiety, assault, rape and stress. 0 Comments

The week seems to be going downhill, in stark contrast to how happy and optimistic I felt last weekend. Granted, I think having memories of the assault triggered have put me in a funk, and I’m probably looking at this much more darkly than I should. I just want to move on and not have it affect my life anymore!

I mentioned to J. how the assault came up in conversation with L. and his email back included the sentence, “Tell me more about the assault.” So now I’m thinking, “Great, this will somehow be a strike against me. He won’t want to fool around with someone who is willing to say that someone assaulted her. He’s probably worried that one wrong move and I’d say the same thing about him.” And that’s not the case. I’ve been coerced and pressured into sex more times than I can count, but I only count one time as rape and one time as assault. Both those instances were clearly above and beyond the others. At least with pressure and coercion I made the choice to give in. There was still choice involved. With the rape and the assault, my option to choose was taken away from me.

I’m a world-class worrier, like my grandmother was, so telling me to just chill and not worry won’t work. I’m trying to stop worrying. I know I’m making this into a bigger deal than it probably is. I wish I could just put that goddamned assault behind me permanently. All that work in therapy, I seemed to be much better (hell, I’m horny as I sit here and write this – something I didn’t feel much of for a while) and now it’s come up to the surface again, like a floating mass of pond scum from the depths. I need an extra strong filter to get rid of it, asap.

I just want to be my happy-go-lucky, slutty, horny self again. I’m almost there – in some ways I’m there. But I need to get past these current hurdles.