Archive for the 'sexuality' Category

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Spanking and Sex

Published on September 19, 2009 in bdsm, bondage, caning, D/s, edge play, emotions, fantasy, horny, masochism, masturbation, musings, orgasm on command, pillow princess, restraints, sex, sex toys, sexuality, shio, spanking, squirting, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

On Wednesday night, I felt a little like I was being ignored. We were in bed, porn playing on the laptop, and MasterDoc was talking on the phone to DeeDee. He was telling her that perhaps I would join them via webcam this weekend. He also talked to her about how much she was allowed to orgasm that night since he as coming to visit in a couple days’ time. In his mind, it was hot to be telling DeeDee about my potentially doing a cam show. But in my mind, I felt ignored. I couldn’t get myself much turned on because of this. I went to use the bathroom while MasterDoc went to return someone’s call and he asked what was wrong as I didn’t look happy.

I told him that I was being completely ignored and I managed to get it out without a huge emotional outburst. He finished up the call he had to make, and proceeded to pay more attention to me. Score one for me managing to calmly voice what I needed and then getting it.

He said I was due for a paddling and he used the lovely new paddle on my ass. He also used the lightest cane for a while, and my pain tolerance wasn’t bad. Many of the strikes felt rhythmic rather than painful, although the cane does inevitably get to be too much. I’d love to have angry red cane stripes on my ass (and get to see them in a photograph) but I’m not sure I can handle the concentrated pain that comes from good, strong cane strikes. It’s something to work towards.

He gave me my nea to use on my clit and I masturbated myself while he spanked me. After a good round of spanking, he climbed onto the bed next to me, and made me look him in the eye. He wanted to know if I was ready to come. I said that holding myself in that position (on knees, left arm supporting me and right hand pressing the nea to my clit) was difficult and I wasn’t sure I could come right then. He made sure I was looking him straight in the eye when he said, “Let it be a challenge to you.” He told me to come and I came, hard, moaning and grunting. I squirted all over my hand and the vibe. It was like my hand was bathing in my juices.

He told me I could lay forward and relax but just then another orgasm gripped my body. He chuckled and said ok I could have one more. (I don’t know that I had a choice – my body had decided for me!)

Even though my hand was all wet from coming on it, I find that the smell of the fluid is pretty light and kinda nice. (It’s definitely not pee.) Unfortunately I had forgotten to put the throe down again. *sigh* There was a large puddle at the end of the bed.

We cuddled, and I tried to soak up the feeling of being around him. I knew that I wouldn’t see him for nearly a week, and so had to enjoy every second while I could.

I was still pretty horny (he makes me so horny!) and playing with the nea on my clit. I got really turned on watching the porn on the computer – it was an intense bondage scene with the bottom having 60+ clothespins on her body. As the Domme took a clothespin off, the bottom had to count what number it was and not lose track. The anticipation of the next one coming off and the pain that played across the actress’ face made me really hot.

I have a lot of bondage fantasies lately. Rope is not MasterDoc’s forte, so I haven’t really experienced much in the way of rope bondage. But quite frankly I’d be happy using the wrist and ankle cuffs I have and having them linked together so that I was immobile.

He fucked me, thrusting his cock deep inside. I came hard again thanks to his expert fucking. I was a happy girl.

I left the erotic hypnosis book with him, and I hope that we can play with hypnotism sometime soon. He commented that he thinks in some ways he already hypnotizes me; and I’m inclined to agree. He often makes me focus on his eyes and take slow deep breaths to center myself. I’m sure that actual hypnotism between him and I will be quite easy. I hope that maybe through hypnotism we can get my body to cut down on pushing-cocks-out movement my vagina likes to do during orgasm.

Sometime after seeing MasterDoc this week, I had an epiphany. I tend to be really passive during sex, and it’s looked upon as me being a pillow princess or boring, or whatever. But I think the source of it is low self-esteem. I don’t think that someone would find my sexuality arousing, so I don’t express it and keep it internal. Fucked up, yes. I am there for them to play with me but I don’t take charge myself. I seem to be doing a lot of deep thinking this week.

Book Review: Healing Sex

Published on September 7, 2009 in anxiety, assault, bdsm, bisexuality, embarrassment, emotions, fantasy, Feminism, kink, lesbian, libido, masturbation, rape, recovery, reviews, sex, sex toys, sexuality, trauma and trust. 0 Comments

When Babeland offered Staci Haines’ Healing Sex for review, I decided to snap it up. You see, after I was sexually assaulted in 2005, a friend at that time had Haines’ Healing Sex DVD and lent it to me sometime in the months following the assault. While Haines’ focus is on survivors of childhood sexual abuse, her techniques can definitely be applied to recovering from any sort of sexual trauma. I remembered the DVD as being insightful, so I was happy for the chance to read and own Haines’ book.

Staci Haines specializes in the somatic approach – “an educational and transformational approach that assumes that the body, mind and emotions are one interconnected biological system.” (p. 15) She discusses a great deal the concepts of being aware of what you’re feeling, or indeed being aware if you’ve dissociated and stopped feeling. Being present during your sexual experiences is a major first step towards healing. Being aware of your body and reactions helps get you away from dissociating – “checking out” – during sex.

Haines is realistic about the conflicting emotions that survivors may feel – they may feel guilt or shame when they feel sexual pleasure, they may love and hate their perpetrator at the same time. Being triggered during sex with a partner may cause a survivor to take their anger out on their partner. She doesn’t paint a picture of recovery as being all hearts and flowers – but she does point you towards the wonderful future you can have if you take the time to heal. As they say, nothing worth doing is ever easy.

The approach is entirely sex-positive. She explores different types of sexual expression, everything from oral sex to S/M and in between. There’s chapters on sexual anatomy, creating boundaries for yourself, partnered sex, navigating your way through triggers and how to work on healing them, and even the use of sex toys. Many of these chapters have interesting sex-positive information that would be useful for anyone. (The book is aimed at women survivors, of any sexual orientation.) While she discusses the problem of survivors sometimes becoming sexually compulsive in reaction to the abuse, she makes clear the point that being a fully realized sexual woman with a stronger sex drive than our society thinks you should have is NOT the same as being compulsive. She then goes on to discuss the real difficulties with actual compulsion. She also doesn’t glamorize sex as being the perfect image we see in porn or read about in books. Haines is clear that we bring our quirky human selves to our sex lives – there will be times when things go wrong and you and your partner end up laughing. Sometimes you may need to stop the action for a time and get back to it after dealing with difficult memories. There’s even a chapter for partners of sexual abuse survivors.

The final chapter in the book is a phenomenal collection of resources – everything from healing sexual trauma, to dealing with any sort of trauma, to women-friendly sex-positive sex toy stores (Babeland is on the list).

One minor gripe: this book has more than an average number of typos that were not caught and fixed. If you’re a grammar nut like me this may irritate the heck out of you.

Reflections on the Week

Published on September 5, 2009 in anxiety, assault, bdsm, caning, D/s, fantasy, libido, musings, optimism, random thoughts, recovery and sexuality. 2 Comments

I’ve had a busy week, alas I don’t have a lot of stories to share but MasterDoc and I had good sex and a caning on Wednesday night. (Again I had to reflect on how some pain pushes me harder into orgasm, but some pain, this time his fingernails digging into my ass, can push me away from orgasm.) Since I won’t be seeing him too often this month it was kinda like a little sending off I suppose. Still, I’m sure it will turn out that I will see him a good amount – after all I should still see him one or two nights a week – not bad! Yesterday he took me to get a gastroscopy done. I was nervous, as I tend to be with any procedure, but I have to say that propofol is the shit. Yes, that’s the drug Michael Jackson took that ultimately led to his demise, but he combined it with a bunch other stuff. I went into this procedure with an entirely empty stomach and no medications since the evening before. Propofol knocked me out nearly instantaneously. (I watched the anesthesiologist inject it into the line in my arm and then all went hazy seconds later.) I felt like I was still just falling asleep as I became aware of MasterDoc standing next to me – and the mouth guard, IV line, blood pressure cuff and oxygen tubing that had just been on me seemingly a second ago, were gone. I have absolutely no recollection of the procedure. Nice! (No wonder they call propofol “milk of amnesia.”) I go back to the gastroenterologist in a couple of weeks to hear about the bits that were taken from my esophagus for further testing. But overall the whole thing went well.

I’ve kept mostly private about issues I’ve had with Davey, and I don’t want to go into details here (sorry, some things I do keep to myself) but we had a breakthrough in our sexual issues on Tuesday night. (No small thanks due to MasterDoc.) I’m feeling better about things than I have in months (the only real issues we’ve had have all been sexual or related to the sexual issues) and hopefully things will get better now. I may write in more detail at a later date, but for now I’d like to keep quiet about it.

With MasterDoc gone, I hope to explore here some fantasies of mine – and share them with you of course. Ever since Floating World my mind has been filled with dirty, kinky fantasies and I need to get them out of me. I think I might somewhat be in subfrenzy, lusting after all sort of kinkiness – desperate to make all my fantasies come true. This month would be a good time to calm down and reflect. Luckily, I’m already with MasterDoc, and he wouldn’t let me go overboard in exploring my fantasies.

Soon, I will write and post a review on Staci Haines’ Healing Sex, a book which I’m finding very enlightening. It’s taking me into my sexuality in a new way, and despite the focus being healing from sexual trauma, I find myself looking at other issues I’ve had since before being raped at age 25 and sexually assaulted at 32 – issues with speaking up about what I want, not saying no when I’d really like to, and other things. It should produce a thoughtful post in the near future. I also have another dyke porn dvd to review – rowr. How I’ve held off watching it this long is beyond me.

So stay tuned, more of the dirty, sexual talk you’ve come to love and expect from me will ensue. For now, enjoy your Labor Day weekend and make some stories of your own!

Floating World, Day Three

Published on August 25, 2009 in bdsm, best sex bloggers, bisexuality, blog, blogs, bondage, cunnilingus, cunt, D/s, DeeDee, edge play, exhibitionism, Floating World, kink, lesbian, masochism, non-monogamy, orgasm on command, poly, sadism, sex, sex parties, sex toys, sexuality, submissive, sybian, threesome and Uncategorized. 2 Comments

After breakfast, the last day, MasterDoc and I went to the erotic hypnosis lecture. (I had developed a mini-crush on Lee Harrington the day before. I suddenly find myself attracted to butches and transmen when I wasn’t before. He is smart, funny and wonderful at leading a class… I’m smitten.) MasterDoc was hoping for a more detailed look at how to put a sub into trance, but I thought there was a good bit of info there. Next we went to the deep head space exploration lecture for a bit. I was tired and getting drowsy, plus the lecture seemed to get a little repetitive (a lot of stuff was also in the consensual non-consent class the day before). We snuck out early, got me a soda to wake me up and wandered around. MD went to check his cell phone for messages (keeping him apart from his Palm is a terrible thing). I went to vending and gave in to buying leather bondage waist cincher. I will try to get a photo of it on here in the coming days. I feel sexy in it and MasterDoc seemed to like it.

I got to meet Mollena, who I really wanted to meet. I love her blog, she’s an excellent writer and also does bdsm education (she did three classes at Floating World this past weekend). So I was all fan girl meeting her and when I told her I write Diary of a Kinky Librarian she stepped back, and bowed to me with arms outstretched above her head. I couldn’t believe it! I feel like I’m such a nobody and to have that reaction was really nice. She gave me a hug and I really hope I get the chance to hang out and talk with her at another event down the road. (I was hurrying off to a class at the time.)

I went to the managing a household lecture and picked up some tips and inspiration for being better at the service submissive side of things. After, I luckily found MasterDoc and DeeDee quickly – DeeDee had given in to buying a corset herself. MD said he wondered where I was and when I said I went to the household management class like I said I was going to – MD said he had thought it was a joke. But no, no joke. We went to vending at this time and he bought three canes as the deal was three for $50. We shall see how I like them when we try them out.

We went out for dinner, then back to DeeDee’s hotel room for a threesome. Since she hadn’t yet had an orgasm or sex that weekend, and in appreciation for giving MasterDoc and I time alone the night before, we focused on DeeDee (at least that was my inspiration). It was loads of fun. She lay on the bed naked between us. MasterDoc kissed her while I played with her nipples. I stroked her body as he went down on her for a while, and he popped his head up for a moment to tell me to be ready to take over. So when he finished I got between her legs and licked her cunt while he played with her upper half and kissed her. After a bit, I slid a finger in and stroked where I thought her g-spot was. (Yes, I’m a little clueless even after all this time – I estimate the location.) And later added a second finger. Her moans were enough to tell me I was doing a good job.

MasterDoc handed me the magic wand and I pressed it to her clit. She was in danger of coming (without having permission yet) and so I had to back off with the wand a little. MasterDoc got her on all fours and fucked her while I pressed the wand to her clit. She had to help reposition it a few times (you try keeping a wand on a clit that keeps moving as the woman gets fucked and you’re reaching around and under her!) She did get permission to come and came pretty hard. I really enjoyed watching and participating. It was all very hot. After, she said to me, “Nadia, you really know your way around a woman’s body!” So very nice to hear.

We got dressed and went to the play space (me in leather cincher and plaid schoolgirl skirt). MasterDoc’s sybian came out for the first time and we got it set up in the play area on a mat. I got to ride it first – the other two ladies lined up were nervous. I grinded my crotch into the machine as it vibrated against me. I begged for permission to come and was allowed to come right away. I came like a woman possessed. Jaw slack, moaning, screaming, crying out, “Oh fuck!” He kept me on there for a good long while and I came over and over again. He slapped my face a few times and I just loved it.

After me, another Dom’s sub had a ride. (He is the person who was at the party where I was assaulted who wrote to me via MasterDoc recently on fetlife to apologize for not speaking up. Anyway, we were friendly with him and his subs over the weekend.) She enjoyed herself, but didn’t come. She had gotten on with her panties on as it was that time of the month, and the lace fabric between her and the machine made the situation less than ideal. But she did enjoy it and wants to try again sometime. Her Dom cuddled her on the futon we had laid next to the sybian mat and I chatted with them while DeeDee got prepared for her ride. (This other sub is in library school – I ran into a fair number of librarians there!)

DeeDee received her first ride. It was fun to watch and MasterDoc motioned to me to get the paddle for him. He used the paddle a bit as she moaned and came. He handed it to me and had me paddle her butt as well. Then he had me slap her ass with my bare hand for a while. She was on the sybian a while and seemed to have a wonderful time. She also needed to lay on the futon and receive some after care. I cleaned up our stuff when it became apparent that no one else wanted to give the sybian a ride. (Their loss!) And I joined MasterDoc and DeeDee on the futon as I had very few cuddles that day. I was saying goodbye to MD and DeeDee shortly after that, and heading home. MasterDoc spent the extra night with DeeDee and took the train home in the morning.

Odds and ends: I loved how there was acceptance of so many kinks. There’s plenty of things there that I have no interest in doing (they just don’t turn me on) but people were free to do whatever they were into (within reason) fire play, pony play, age play, needles, blood, suspension, bondage, spanking, flogging, etc. etc. There was a diverse crowd there – women from Lesbian Sex Mafia, queer people of all stripes, straights, pansexuals, etc. and a great deal of acceptance for people being who they were.

We ran into some people we knew from around New York – the Dom that had come over months before with his three submissives – he was there with slave number one. I had hoped to run into someone I knew on fetlife who likes this blog, but she and I never managed to cross paths although she did run into MasterDoc in the hall at the hotel and introduced herself. It was nice to become friendly with that Dom who knew me from the bad party years ago. I saw Vera from FYN and chatted for a while. (And suggested that I can help write copy in exchange for product! I have copywriting experience.) We saw S’s daughter there (along with her friend the librarian I had a couple of dates with a while back who was with her when I saw her at In The Flesh). It was a little awkward as she’s not comfortable around MasterDoc (as he’s schtupping her mother and could conceivably tell her mother about her activities. Granted, her mother and her each know the other is kinky, but of course the details end there.) but she made a point to say hello to me when he wasn’t nearby. I saw MinaMeow and her girlfriend, and one woman Davey dates. I got to meet John Baku and remind him of the interview I did with him for Best Sex Bloggers that never got published. (He didn’t like how he sounded, and he’s not much for writing. I told him to let me know what he wants to say and I will work out how to write it. It’s not investigative journalism, more of a puff piece.) Anyway I’m not to worried about it at this point. It may never see the light of day.)

All in all, I had a good weekend, and I got home late on Sunday night. I was spent.

A Beating that Soothed my Soul

Published on July 29, 2009 in bdsm, D/s, depression, dom, emotions, flogging, kink, masochism, sadism, sexuality, spanking, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

On Monday, I was feeling a bit blue. Suddenly biology got the better of me and I yearned for a baby. Me, the woman who for years proclaimed she didn’t want children, now suddenly yearns for one. I think it has a lot to do with being 36. My friend said I’ve got “the baby rabies” and she sure is right.

So I felt blue about it – not sure if, when or how I will have a child. I chatted online with MasterDoc and told him that I needed a beating. He was having dinner with his daughter that night, but if I wanted to hang out at his place until he was done he would give me a good beating when he got home.

He got home earlier than he planned, and so there was plenty of time for the beating. He got my collar and a bunch of implements and had me kneel on a pillow on the living room floor, leaning over the arm chair. My body was in the mood for a beating – most of the blows that fell on me felt soothing and rhythmic. He alternated flogging, bare hand spanking, the crop, etc. His hands can sometimes be the harshest implements. I would get into subspace and feel lulled by the strikes. But then he’d ramp it up a bit, and pain would set in – stinging pain. I’d start moaning and crying out. He’s excellent at judging how far he can push by listening to the noises I make.

He had me lean up a bit and he took the flogger to my upper back. It’s a solid thud that reverberates through my chest. I wondered if perhaps this would manage to bruise me, but unfortunately I was totally mark-free the next day. He spanked my ass more and returned to my upper back again later. The beating felt cleansing, soothing, and put me in a delightful sub space. He would stroke my back with his hand now and then, sometimes feel between my thighs to see if I was wet. I felt distinctly aroused and at times like I could come with only the slightest of stimulation to my genitals.

When he was done, about 10 minutes later, he was a little winded (it’s work!) and sat down on the other arm chair. I stood up and faced him, and shyly asked if I could have a cuddle. While the beating is therapeutic, I do need a bit of aftercare to complete the process. I squeezed into the chair with him, and my butt felt divinely sore. (When I got up later he pointed out how very red it was.) I was giddy and feeling romantic as I cuddled up to him. Vanilla people can’t comprehend, but that beating was an intimate, loving, sexual experience for me. I didn’t have an orgasm or any of the “usual” types of sexual stimulation, but I felt satisfied after. I woke up the next morning in a great mood.

Tonight, talking on the phone with MasterDoc I pointed out that as of tomorrow (Thursday) it is exactly 2 years since the day we met. “That’s so sweet, that’s romantic!” he exclaimed, followed by, “Remind me to piss in your mouth to celebrate.”

I burst out laughing. For while he surely will piss in my mouth one day, this was hopefully one of those times he says it for affect.

Ageism and Sexuality

Published on July 1, 2009 in Feminism, musings, sex, sex parties, sexuality and swinging. 1 Comment

Over the past couple of years, I’ve been forced to confront my own ageism. You can’t date (and swing with) someone 18 years your senior without getting a good long look about your ingrained thoughts on aging and sex. We live in a society where older people, particularly older women, are desexualized. A woman past menopause is seen as fairly asexual. And it’s assumed that older men can’t get it up, but they can sometimes be “dirty old men” leering at attractive young women (which is considered kinda gross but expected – at least men get to retain some sex drive!).

What’s up with that? Our sexuality doesn’t automatically turn off at a certain age. I read a letter to Dear Abby a short while ago from a couple in their 80s who are enjoying a robust sex life, and they wanted to know how to keep their kids and grandkids from dropping by unannounced while they’re having sex. I thought this was fantastic. But when I saw a woman, probably in her mid to late 60s at the party we attended last Saturday, I thought (and said to MasterDoc), “Oh my god that woman’s so old!” MD didn’t take kindly to that comment seeing as he’s about 10-15 years away from that woman’s age. I tried to back track, “But, she looks like someone’s grandmother. I don’t expect someone’s grandmother to be at a swing/bdsm party.” He asked me, “Why not?” And I had to pause. Why not indeed?

While this woman’s wrinkled face gave away her age, she was in good shape and fashionably dressed. But even if she wasn’t, why the hell shouldn’t she experience and express her sexuality? Why was I putting her into this category of someone who shouldn’t be at a swing party? (I don’t go around thinking fat people shouldn’t be at swing parties, for instance. Lucky for me, seeing as I’m overweight.) It unfortunately comes down to my unconsciously buying into the societal idea that older people aren’t/shouldn’t be sexual. And there’s an added layer – we perceive older people being sexual as being “disgusting.” Why is that? Jeez, I hope that when I’m older I still have an active sex life. I don’t plan to dry up and wither away at age 60 or something. What is disgusting about an older person receiving pleasure? (We’re taught that only young bodies are attractive and that older bodies are unattractive.) While my brain still puts forth all these ageist ideas, at least now I’m looking at them, and pondering why I think that way and if I really should think that way.

It’s about time we let seniors be sexual. I’m going to work on my own negative reactions and try to overcome the stigma I’ve learned. I don’t expect it to improve over night, but it’s been gradually wearing away over the past couple of years.

Important Links

Published on February 1, 2009 in sexuality. 0 Comments

I’ve continued my series over at Best Sex Bloggers featuring reliable links for sex-related topics. So far there’s:

Sexuality

HPV

HIV

2008 in Review

Published on January 1, 2009 in assault, bdsm, best sex bloggers, caning, D/s, depression, edge play, exhibitionism, fisting, masochism, orgasm on command, pillow princess, piss play, sexuality, Uncategorized and year in review. 0 Comments

I didn’t have plans to do this, but I’ve seen some of my favorite bloggers post year end summaries for the past year and I decided to spend some time today reading through my entries to take a look at the year that was 2008. (I spent hours today re-reading my entries from this year. Damn, I write a lot!)

I started off the year having a great sex, albeit with the hindrance of prozac killing my libido and response. I didn’t consider myself a masochist at the start of the year, but in early February I changed that identification of myself. On the other hand, I started off the year bruising quite nicely, but now I barely bruise on my ass. I was also struggling with coming on command – not quite able to hold myself at a peak of arousal and not always able to come when permission was granted. Davey watched me get Dommed by MasterDoc and MasterDoc made me eat out of a bowl on the floor like a dog. MasterDoc and I continued doing shows for strangers.

In February I fucked a black guy for the first time in my life, and the entry was titled (at MasterDoc’s insistence) “BBC and Me.” My dose of prozac was lowered, which helped my libido and ability to come, but not by much (didn’t help my depression). MasterDoc decided we were going to lose weight together and we embarked on exercising and eating better. S. and I gave Davey a surprise threesome for his birthday.

In March I spent a lot of time reflecting on submission, what it means to me and why I do it. It’s been good to re-read those entries. I also waxed poetic about being face slapped. I suffered a bout of depression and clearly the lowered dose of prozac wasn’t adequate. It was also nearing the anniversary of the time I was sexually assaulted at a play party, and I still dwelled quite a bit on that.

In April I started off the month reflecting on why I enjoy public sex. Davey, MasterDoc and I attempted double penetration but were unsuccessful (this is still true). I participated in sugasm for the first time. I wrote a bit about feminism and submission. We used a female condom for sex one time. I masturbated without permission and felt horribly guilty about it and confessed right away. At some point along the way I fell in love with MasterDoc. I had a challenging evening when we had a woman guest and I felt superfluous to the whole situation.

In May I proclaimed my average-ness. I started lusting after Photoshop and Dreamweaver to make my own site (I was still on blogspot at the time). And MasterDoc’s Puppy came for a visit. I had the first hint that maybe I could come without genital stimulation at some point. I purchased this domain and started trying to figure out how to get a blog up and running. I ended up going with wordpress, which I got installed for me.

My ass actually blistered a little bit after a spanking in June during one of our shows. I got called a pillow princess and reflected on my selfishness in bed, resolving to be less selfish. I discussed being assaulted three years ago at a play party and worked some more on dealing with the residual trauma from that. The swing club we frequent added a spanking bench, much to my and MasterDoc’s joy. I got swatted with a cane for the first time. I got good enough at riding the edge of orgasm that I could come when given the command (with genital stimulation).

I officially moved to kinkylibrarian.net at the start of July. (Looks like a few entries didn’t carry over when I made the switch. The old blog is still up, however.) I started talking about an interest in edge play like needle play and cutting. D.S. came for a visit and we had a very hot simultaneous orgasm. I contemplated many things like leading a double life, masochism and submission. I finally came without genital stimulation – and squirted too! I was on wellbutrin (in addition to prozac) for a little while by this time, and my sex drive had fully returned. I talked a little about early D/s experiences. I despaired over being denied orgasm, but was thrilled to have MasterDoc come in my mouth for the first time. MasterDoc and I had been seeing each other for a year by the end of this month.

In August I started participating in Half Nekkid Thursday, which I’ve done sporadically since. I struggled a bit with being a submissive and really opening myself up to someone – including giving MasterDoc my passwords to a few sites. We went to a hot (HOT) pool party. I started blogging over at Best Sex Bloggers. I spoke out about STIs and education. I had a very hot round of anal sex with MasterDoc, where I asked for more lube but then came really hard when he fucked me without adding lube. I enjoyed a moment of schadenfreude when I got to watch the online downfall of the guy who assaulted me (Jefferson). I don’t think I’ve blogged about the assault since – the experience of seeing him called on his bullshit by so many people really helped me heal a great deal.

September started out with me adding Babeland as an affiliate. (Still hasn’t netted me any money, but I still feel good about promoting that business.) I made the list of Top 100 Sex Bloggers. I also started reviewing toys, first for Lelo then for Babeland. Davey and I had a foursome while on vacation. MasterDoc and I gave an impromptu show one afternoon, then saw a couple in the evening. It dawned on me that our little shows technically make me a sex worker. I saw D.S. for one last time before he moved to San Francisco. I added Vibe Review as an affiliate at the end of the month.

In October, I put a toy into MasterDoc’s ass for the first time. I also wrote the terrific line, “I was a horny mass of sluttiness at that point.” I continued to try to get my head around the idea of him pissing on me. I wrote a little about dealing with depression while being submissive and how a beating can really make me feel better. MasterDoc made me come by slapping my clit. I talked about my early sexual and bdsm experiences. I had a bout of depression and cried during a scene – really cried – for the first time.

By November I could come at MasterDoc’s command quite well. I got philosophical about how change is an integral part of life. I came and squirted from being spanked at a swing club and later that night got fucked up the ass in public for the second time. One evening I became so turned on that I couldn’t turn off – and that ended up being the night that MasterDoc peed on me for the first time. I was so turned on and so deep into submission that I came as he peed on my clit. I went to the NYC Sex Blogger Calendar party and met a bunch of fellow bloggers. I also participated in Pleasurists for the first time. I come some more from pain and come again without being touched at all.

I started off December feeling cross with MasterDoc, but things were soon resolved and I wrote a post about how wonderful he is. He had a Domme-in-training come by for lessons and she fucked me with a strap on. The next night, a Dom came over with his three submissives and we had a fun bdsm orgy of sorts. I fisted a woman for the first time. MasterDoc figured out that he could use my new anal beads as a whip. Yikes. I fell ill with a stomach virus and actually turned down sex one day. But we used that time to go over my bdsm checklist and see what limits could be pushed in the future that perhaps we’ve been neglecting. We finished off the year going to a gangbang party last weekend.

All-in-all it’s been a hot year and I’ve come a long way with coming on command. I enjoyed reviewing my year via my blog but jeez, I really was at it for several hours. Thank you all for reading and I hope to have more adventures in 2009.

Sex for All

Published on August 24, 2008 in best sex bloggers, sex, sex parties and sexuality. 0 Comments

Wrote an essay on the beauty of real bodies over at bestsexbloggers.com.

Natural Born Pervert

Published on August 31, 2007 in bdsm, kink and sexuality. 0 Comments

I think that I was born kinky, just like I think that I was born bisexual. I can’t remember a time in my life where I didn’t get aroused by kinky things (or have feelings of attraction and affection for boys and girls alike). I can remember as a child, being aroused by the fantasy of being kidnapped and tied up. I remember reading an article about the Patty Hearst kidnapping and being turned on by the image of her tied up in a closet and her captors pinching her nipples. I read and re-read that passage, secretly. (I was a precocious reader, I believe this article was in Reader’s Digest and I was still in elementary school – I think. I seem to remember reading it in the bedroom I had through elementary school.)

By the time I was in high school, I was collecting things like silk scarves that I could tie myself up with. I’d bind my wrists or ankles together and then masturbate (sometimes untying first as I’d need a spare hand or two to do so). I’d blindfold myself or gag myself. The sensation turned me on so much! The attempts at spanking myself fell far short of the fantasy, however. I had fantasies of being tied up, and fantasies of being spanked, fantasies of being raped, fantasies of being kidnapped. I knew that I didn’t truly want to be raped or kidnapped, but the idea of playacting that out with someone consensually got me really hot. Long before I ever had my first kiss or sexual experience with another, I was kinky. I’m not sure when I became aware that others felt like this too, or that it was perhaps a bit unusual to feel this way. I accepted it pretty much all along.

My first kinky experiences were with my very first boyfriend when I was 18. He and I explored a lot together sexually. I remember him domming me and my being so enthralled by it. (He was less so. He wanted to be dommed. I typically end up dating submissive men if they’re at all kinky.) We pretended that I was the maid to his wealthy man and he forcefully seduced me in my parent’s basement after everyone went to bed. He and I acted out a lot of fantasies, I don’t think I’ve dated anyone since who I explored so much with, but then he was my first. We liked doing things like having one of us pretend to be completely inexperienced (not that either of us was really experienced! lol) and the other would seduce the innocent one. We’d play with power differential situations, like one was the chauffeur and the other the employer when we’d be out fooling around in my car. We played around with bondage, me tied with my wrists over my head attached to the pipe coming out of the ceiling of the basement apartment he shared with his mom. Not so thrilling was the time we decided to include food and he put maple syrup on my torso. lol It was just a whole lotta stickiness. He had to untie me so I could shower off and we could stop laughing.

Right from the start of my sexual experiences I was eager to experiment with being kinky. And right from the start of my awareness of sexual feelings in myself I got hot over kinky things. It really seems to be how I’m wired.