I wasn’t feeling horny when Shane was over. getting lots of cuddles. helping him a little as he jerked off.

sex next night with md. sucking his cock. him reaching around to get it wet and lubed. having me get on top to fuck. pushing myself close to the edge of orgasm, and for once really and truly reaching the point where i couldn’t stop myself from coming.

md would keep thrusting now and then, joking about Nadia the fucktoy who he could make come at his whim.

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Yup, never fleshed this out.

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Beginning of blog entry #2. Around 12/22/11.

I have been a bad blogger again. Enjoying fun things without taking the time to write about them. Life just seems so busy lately. It’s not the holidays so much as working full time, doing stuff around the apartment, seeing Shane, having a second date with the pretty lady (where I did the lesbian sheep dance once again! Baa!) and other assorted things.

And yes, I’ve been having a fair amount of sex.

Shane was over last night, and as we watched a show with DeeDee in the living room, he started getting me worked up. He played with my clit and strangely I felt self-conscious. I could not come. I felt like it was tacky to do around DeeDee while she was watching something. I know personally I don’t want my relaxation time (she’s been sick this week) interrupted by someone crying out in orgasm. Hearing it through a closed door isn’t bad. I did manage to convince him to head to the bedroom.

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Yup, more writing that was totally not fleshed out or completed.

Another notable night was a few days ago when MasterDoc had me kneel in the tub. As he prepped a spot on my upper breast with alcohol, he told me I could come either when I felt the needle go in my skin or I felt his piss on my body. I cringed.

I couldn’t come with the needle. It hurt too much for the first 30 seconds or so. But I kept playing with my clit as he continued to tell me to come. Eventually I came, terribly humiliated at coming as he pissed on me and went on about how I’m his dirty piss slut.

I have such a love/hate relationship with humiliation play. I find myself wishing MasterDoc would push me more and make me do things I find disgusting. But of course I also wish that it never happens. I don’t want to ask for him to do things he’s talked about having me do, because I DO find them gross. But on the other hand I’ve been trying to revel in being his dirty whore as I know he’s into that (and don’t worry folks, I’m into it too or I wouldn’t consider doing it). Whenever we see ass-to-mouth in porn I cringe. But he would love to do that to me. I asked him why the other night and he said, “Because it’s dirty and disgusting.” I keep trying to reassure myself that while it’s gross, it’s not harmful. (MasterDoc has explained that since the cock has been in your ass you’re not encountering any foreign bacteria and such.)

I’ve been trying to get better about calling him Sir. I was slacking off something terrible. I feel like our dynamic needs to be reinforced a bit more. I like that we can be casual with each other, but it can’t come at the cost of losing respect.

Last night I described him as a Sour Patch Kid. *grin* He starts out tart but ends up sweet. (Or, often, the other way around.) I love that he has both sides to him.

But, my friends, I promise a blog post tomorrow as I already have my part in Mia Martina’s “A Year of Sex” virtual book tour written and scheduled. See you then.

Half-Assed Blog Post originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on December 29, 2011.

As he made me aroused while the clamps bit into my nipples Friday night, he said slyly, “You like the pain, don’t you?” It was a rhetorical question but one that made me feel a little embarrassed by my kink but also one that turned me on since it’s clear I’m such a dirty girl.

The following night we played in the dungeon. MasterDoc bought a new candle for wax play, one designed for that use. (It doesn’t burn as hot as regular candles.) I lay on a massage table and he teased me, aroused me, hurt me and made me come so hard. I wonder how many people looked over when I was making so much noise during orgasm. MasterDoc had originally planned to, I think, show off by having both DeeDee and I in a scene with him. Since I was having so much stress, he kept the play to just himself and me. I appreciate that he recognized that I needed special attention.

The classes at the event were interesting. We missed a few here and there and I think flexibility is needed at these events. If there’s something you really want to get to, make the time for it. But otherwise be willing to go get lunch instead of attending another class if that’s what comes up. We went to some together, and some apart.

I’ve gotten curious about such forms of play as age play and puppy play, so I went to some classes on them. I was definitely one of those people freaked out by age play when I first heard of it. The idea of someone playing the role of a young person in a sexual situation brings up thoughts of incest (ick) and pedophilia (ick), but age play is NOT either of those. It is consenting adults role playing. Over time, I’ve come to see that playing non-sexually as a young girl could be very freeing for me. Being a child and handing over your well-being to a grown up is pretty much on par with being a Dominant and submissive. Age play seems like it could be very nurturing, and would give grown up me a break from making decisions and taking care of myself. Also, considering I’m a grown woman who still sleeps with her teddy bear and blanky, I’d be a natural for this.

Only this weekend did I start to consider age play where I’d be in the role of a teen girl. As I reflected on this, I realized that as a teenager I was incredibly horny! I would masturbate more than once a day. I was eager to learn about the entire spectrum of sexuality. Emotionally at that time I wasn’t ready for a relationship or sex. But going back, playing the horny yet innocent teen discovering sex at the hands of a grown man (while I’m actually an experienced adult) could be very hot play indeed.

Puppy play is a little different, but again I was struck by how it’s just another form of Dominance and submission. There can be a dehumanizing aspect to puppy play, but it’s one of those rare times when being dehumanized isn’t necessarily bad. If you get into the role of puppy, you can stop (for a while) thinking about adult human stuff. You can just be a playful, affectionate creature without human concerns. You hand over your well being to a trainer or owner. Please note that these things are play – they are temporary. Engaging in puppy play doesn’t mean you live your entire life like a dog. You’re human.

We did a tiny bit of puppy play there. A room was set up for pony/puppy/kitty/littles play. I crawled around, got into the doghouse there and wrestled with the squeaky toy MasterDoc played fetch with. It was fun. In the class I attended (taught by the excellent Lochai), I realized that the puppy can be such an endearing character, one who brings up feelings of affection for the owner. It can be carefree play. And who doesn’t like a gentle scritch behind the ear? Hm?

We somehow accept getting shitfaced on alcohol as an appropriate way for an adult to escape their responsibilities and worries for a little while. Why would something far healthier like role play not be ok as an alternative?

Brimstone Reflections, Part II originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on November 29, 2011.

And yet thoughts are coming to me and I feel like writing – only without worrying about getting the story wrong. (I’ve done that occasionally. Human memory is only so good.) MasterDoc points out when something I write just isn’t quite what happened, or I left out something really fun. I’ve edited many a post after hitting publish. I don’t run these posts by MasterDoc before publishing unless I feel a special need to on a particular post. But we do discuss them after. He supports and enjoys my blogging (best advertising vehicle for him ever!) and doesn’t ever outright censor me. I think it takes a truly strong Dom to give their sub free rein over the sub’s blog. I know he’s not the only one, but I really appreciate and respect him for letting me keep this outlet. (As I had this blog going before I met him.)

So instead of worrying about a recounting that could be off, maybe I’ll just do a little stream-of-consciousness writing here and describe a brief fantasy I had this evening. It takes off of what happened last night – he gave me one serious ass whupping. I got very close to crying. In the fantasy, he beats me until I beg him – truly beg him with tears rolling down my face – to stop. (I’m terrified of feeling the pain that can cause tears, but something amazing comes out of suffering. You ever notice that?)

He is merciful, so he stops with the beating. He has me blow him instead. It starts out slow and gentle and I latch on to my “slut’s pacifier.” When it’s fully hard he starts shoving it down my throat. I gag and drool runs out my mouth. He grabs me by the pigtails I have in my hair, and uses them for handles to control my head.

Tangent: It’s amazing how when done consensually these acts can be among the most intimate. There’s something about giving yourself over to someone, suffering for them, proving how devoted you are, that is amazingly intimate. I mean, I wouldn’t do this shit with most people. Currently I wouldn’t do rough sex to this extent with anyone but him. Nearly three and a half years of trust building went into this. And it was worth every second. I can only imagine how things will be as he gets further inside my head. Will he be able to put me in subspace and make me come with just a look? (I think he’ll read this and suddenly have a new aspiration.)

My fantasy didn’t go any farther. It was just a brief vignette. (I like that word.) Had it gone on it would have assuredly included orgasms. I’m not THAT much of a masochist.

Stream of Consciouness Post originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on January 29, 2011.

The short answer is yes. I am not just his sexual submissive. When I first met him, sexual submission was all I had in mind. When he first set me to putting away his laundry I thought, “What the fuck?” The transition to being a service sub (in addition to a bedroom sub) was a bit difficult for me, but I think I always went along with it because I so wanted the sexual submission. I struggle with how stressful it can be to help take care of his large apartment, as well as taking care of my own apartment. It feels like there’s always chores to be done – and this is with DeeDee handling a huge amount of chores at his place currently!

But after a while, I discovered that it can feel really good serving someone. I like taking care of him and knowing that I’ve made his life easier. Sure it’s annoying when he asks me to get up and fetch him something when I’m tired, but the self-discipline that has come from learning not to gripe about it (as much) is a good trait to develop. Currently I’m in charge of putting away laundry (thankfully he takes it out to be done), scrubbing the toilets (because I really don’t get the aversion to it – you use a long-handled brush people!) and cleaning up after dinner when DeeDee cooks (or when she’s out and I cook). She cleans up when I cook, but I do it much less often than she does. Other assorted tasks are assigned as needed.

I do my best to keep things tidy. As a man with ADD, MasterDoc tends to be very messy. I pick up clothes he’s left on the floor, check the pockets carefully for items and then put them in the laundry. I try to hang up his keys when I find them not hanging on their hook. I try to help make the effects of his ADD a little less for him. I make a mental note when I see his cell phone as he’s often looking for it. I’m not perfect, I tend to make a face when I have to call his cell phone from mine for the umpteenth time in a week. Sometimes I’m feeling tired or lazy and I will try to weasel out of something. Thankfully for me, MasterDoc is a flexible and laid back person. If something does need doing immediately he will tell me and I will overcome my inertia. If not, he can let me do something in my own time.

In different ways, we both take care of each other. I realized recently that having a Dom has been a great deal like being re-parented. Bad emotional habits I learned from my parents (mainly my mother) have been dealt with by MasterDoc over the past three years. I tend to react emotionally – often over-emotionally – to things, whereas he’s a calm, logical type. He has taught me to calm down and to take a moment to see if something is truly worth getting worked up over. There are times when my emotional outbursts are due to depression brought on by a chemical imbalance, but even then I’ve been getting better and better at recognizing what is the depression talking and what is real. We’ve worked on my insecurity and now that work is bearing fruit. I have ups and downs, but I think I’m a better person for his guidance.

When we’re not being sexual (and my leather collar is not on) I don’t have to call him Sir all the time, but he does enforce it when appropriate. Whenever he gives me a direct order I’m expected to say, “Yes, Sir.” I can joke with him, tease him a bit otherwise. We hang out much like any vanilla couple. We’ll watch movies together. We’ll talk. We’ll enjoy dinner with DeeDee (usually something yummy yet healthy she’s made). We do our own thing while in the same apartment. And sometimes he goes off to the play room to have fun with DeeDee while I find something else to do in the living room. (And vice versa.) He advises me on life issues – but is careful to give me a certain amount of autonomy.

I’ve run errands with him (and for him). We’ve gone out to lunch. Many of the things any couple would do together we’ve done. We also cuddle a great deal.

I’m expected to always respect him. Complaints given in a whine will be reprimanded. But complaints given calmly will be considered. I appreciate that he doesn’t act like being a Dom means he’s perfect. He is pretty damn wonderful, but he’s human and makes mistakes. He and I do our best to be patient with each other’s mistakes and move onward and upward. I appreciate that he doesn’t hold me to an impossible standard, but he does expect good things from me – which in turn I strive to give him.

While the transition to being his submissive (rather than just a submissive playmate) has been bumpy at times, I think I’m much happier and a better person for it. I feel fortunate to have a terrific Dom. Together we’ve managed to lose a lot of weight, have fun times and weather a few storms.

Beyond The Bedroom originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on October 8, 2010.

I had a wonderful time yesterday – and had some revelations on what polyamory is to me. MasterDoc is poly in the sense that he likes having multiple romantic relationships concurrently. I’m poly in the sense that I prefer having one main emotional, romantic relationship and lots of friends I hang out with and fuck. Neither way is wrong, they’re just two of the many ways a person can be polyamorous. I would certainly feel affection for and care about my fuck buddies, but it would be without the intensity of a full-time relationship. I need a way to get my insane sexual needs/desires met, but I’m not really looking for another relationship. I’ve been going about things all wrong. I’ve been looking on okcupid for a woman to date. I should be looking on craigslist for a woman to FUCK.

I think I hesitate to admit that sort of thing, because then I come across as a stereotypical bisexual woman. But fuck that, I may be a bit of a stereotype at times, but I should go for what I want. (And like most stereotypes, I’m not 100% of the stereotype anyway. I can fall in love with and have a relationship with a woman, but I’d much prefer a female friend who loves to fuck and hang out with me.) I worry that I make other bi women look bad by fitting the stereotype – but there are plenty of bisexual women who can have romantic, emotional relationships with women (monogamous ones even!) but I’m not one who wants that.

Kinda hard to admit what you want is what has been vilified. It’s really hard to know that the lesbians who won’t date bisexual women will look at me and say, “See! She’s why I won’t date bi women!” I am not, however, all bisexual women. I am just me.

Yesterday we had over a woman MasterDoc found on craigslist. Just reading her ad made me think she’s a kindred spirit – and meeting her cemented that. I found myself feeling so excited to meet her, but I didn’t want to show it because while here she told us about a woman who got too clingy and she had to stop seeing because that’s not what she wants. The thing is, I’m so excited about meeting her BECAUSE she doesn’t want a relationship with a woman. To have a partner in crime who is bisexual, horny, kinky and adventurous would be fabulous. She’s smart, has an offbeat sense of humor – definitely the kind of person I want to be friends with. I’m hoping she’d be up for the same, but I realize that I have to be laid back about it lest I come across as wanting more than I actually do. But I would just like to be able to call on her and say, “Hey I have a night alone, want to come over, hang out and fuck?” And if she’s free that night (she does have  boyfriend, and I think that should come first just like my relationship with MasterDoc comes first for me) then she can come over, chill out and get freaky.

It was so exciting to have that epiphany. I hold back from dating others for many reasons despite feeling frustrated and like I need more sex and more companionship, and I’ve realized that one of them is that I don’t want another emotionally intense, romantic relationship. I want a fuck buddy, a friend with benefits. Time to re-evaluate my dating strategy.

My other grand epiphany has been developing over the past week or so. We’re all so mired in the “stories” that society tells us, that even progressive feminists can fall prey to the narratives we’re told – despite them not being true. I’m often intimidated by thin women. (And I started feeling that way with our guest – she’s quite slender.) I think that thinness is so beloved in our culture that why would someone who has that want me? But that’s bullshit. I like a lot of different people – and someone being smart, funny and sexually adventurous is FAR MORE important to me than them fitting a societal body ideal. And why the fuck can’t I accept that there are thin women who feel the same way? I have such terrible self-esteem most of the time, that it had never occurred to me before – I am one of those smart, kinky, adventurous, fun people I think are so fucking sexy. Why the hell wouldn’t other people find me sexy? Sure, no one is ever going to be attractive to everyone, but I don’t give myself enough credit for my good points.

At one point I was chatting with our new pal (I’m hoping she’ll come back, she was loads of fun) while MasterDoc played with DeeDee in the next room. And I told her about the realization I had recently through a thread on fetlife and talking to someone on twitter – misogyny and the hatred of women’s bodies is so widespread that thin women deal with tons of shit about their bodies too. In the feminist movement these days we focus a lot on fat positivity, but we often do it in a way that reacts negatively to our sisters who more closely fit the “perfect” body. I forget, however, that the “perfect” body is so fucking specific that even someone who seems to fit it more closely than me can suffer from worries that they’re not the “perfect” one. Sure thinness is desired, but so are big boobs – and plenty of thin women have smaller breasts. We want this “perfect” combination of ultra thin yet curvy – and that’s not a look most people’s bodies fall into naturally. Also, I lose sight of the fact that even if someone does fit this norm, it doesn’t mean they buy into it, it doesn’t mean they can’t like me. Sure, some people are body conscious and only want to fuck other “hot” people, but I can’t assume because a woman is hot that she won’t find me to be very sexy or she can’t struggle with her own sense of body-positivity. (I need to realize this about men too.)

I’ve been so fucked up by the pervasive culture we live in that I have lost sight of these things. And when I told our new pal this yesterday she enthusiastically agreed with me that thin women get all sorts of shit about their bodies too. Misogyny is an attack on women, and part of the attack strategy is to make chubby women think that thin women are the enemy. I’ve often rejected a thin, pretty woman before she had a chance to reject me – and stupidly have ruined chances with women I might have had a great time with. I have no concept of a hot woman wanting to fuck me, but Jesus, aren’t I selling myself short? I’m buying into the societal narrative too much myself.

We had such a wonderful adventure with our new friend yesterday (I keep hoping friend is the right word – it could turn out to be a one-off but I’m hoping it’s not) that it merits its own entry. Coming up next: the hot sex foursome.

Revelations (Of the Feminist and Slut Kind) originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on June 6, 2010.

The Pink Poppet has reported that she can’t access my blog from Kuwait. I have to admit, I’m kinda proud that the morality police should find me objectionable. I’m doing something right. I do find it sad though that adults in that country (and others) are not allowed to decide whether pornographic content on the internet is for them or not. No government should decide that for you.

I’m sure I could find stuff that offends me on the internet, but I don’t go looking for it. And if I did, and was offended by what I saw, I would be the person responsible for my actions. (I’m not talking about things that directly involve harm to children, like child pornography. I’m against that. But just like television and movies, there’s websites that are for kids and websites for adults. Kids have to learn to navigate in an adult world and move on to things that are age-appropriate for them. Parents are responsible for their children’s web viewing.)

Enough from my free-speech, librarian soapbox.

Think of all the poor Kuwaitis who can’t read my blog! originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on December 14, 2009.

You Scored as Exhibitionist / Voyeur(((Note: This has been placed into one category because the world of BDSM is simply too large to include all kink (unless you want an incredibly long quiz). I have included these two together with the sentiment that couples or people interested in one or the other want to include other people in their sexual activities. I understand that it is unfair but I plan on making more quizzes on subjects of this nature in the future. Also, I know that this quiz is very sexually based but that was the point of it, I was going for the psychologically aspects of sexuality for the list is a mile long and different for everyone.))) Watching or being watched is an arousing notion to you. There are many reasons why people enjoy this fetish. Being uncomfortable. Feeling guilty. Appreciation. For some it could simply be sex in public because there is a fear of getting caught. Either way, it turns you on. The best venue for this would be group sex. If you enjoy watching you would be considered a voyeur. If you would rat Exhibitionist / Voyeur 96% Masochist 86% Experimental 86% Degradation Lover 82% Submissive 82% Bondage 68% Sadist 57% Switch 43% Dominant 11% Vanilla 7%

Exhibitionist/Voyeur originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on December 6, 2009.

- I’d like some more play with nipple clamps

- I want to be hypnotized to not clench my (vaginal) muscles as I come – to still be able to come but not clench

-I’d like to be made to wear a butt plug around the house and maybe out too

- I’d like to wear my wrist and ankle cuffs sometimes and be bound by them

-I’d like to be gagged on your cock sometimes

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Tonight is the New York Sex Blogger Calendar Party! Whoo hoo! I’ve been waiting months for this. I’m feeling awfully socially awkward and anxious the past day or so, hopefully I will manage to move past that at the party tonight and get to enjoy meeting so many other bloggers. I have a good idea about who is going to be there, but certainly leave me a comment if I may not know you’ll be there. MasterDoc and I will both be around.

When MasterDoc wakes up I need to work out how we’re getting there (car? subway?), and are we bringing the sybian (the attachments are on loan and this would necessitate us getting them before the party)?

It’s so hard being shy. I’m excited and looking forward to the party but I’m also feeling anxious. I’m definitely in a homebody phase just now.

Wishing Box #1 originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on November 6, 2009.

I’ve kept mostly private about issues I’ve had with Davey, and I don’t want to go into details here (sorry, some things I do keep to myself) but we had a breakthrough in our sexual issues on Tuesday night. (No small thanks due to MasterDoc.) I’m feeling better about things than I have in months (the only real issues we’ve had have all been sexual or related to the sexual issues) and hopefully things will get better now. I may write in more detail at a later date, but for now I’d like to keep quiet about it.

With MasterDoc gone, I hope to explore here some fantasies of mine – and share them with you of course. Ever since Floating World my mind has been filled with dirty, kinky fantasies and I need to get them out of me. I think I might somewhat be in subfrenzy, lusting after all sort of kinkiness – desperate to make all my fantasies come true. This month would be a good time to calm down and reflect. Luckily, I’m already with MasterDoc, and he wouldn’t let me go overboard in exploring my fantasies.

Soon, I will write and post a review on Staci Haines’ Healing Sex, a book which I’m finding very enlightening. It’s taking me into my sexuality in a new way, and despite the focus being healing from sexual trauma, I find myself looking at other issues I’ve had since before being raped at age 25 and sexually assaulted at 32 – issues with speaking up about what I want, not saying no when I’d really like to, and other things. It should produce a thoughtful post in the near future. I also have another dyke porn dvd to review – rowr. How I’ve held off watching it this long is beyond me.

So stay tuned, more of the dirty, sexual talk you’ve come to love and expect from me will ensue. For now, enjoy your Labor Day weekend and make some stories of your own!

Reflections on the Week originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on September 5, 2009.

So I ordered a new one but then realized that for just a bit more (motherboards are expensive, you see) I could have a whole new computer, especially if I purchased from the Dell outlet like I had before. By the end of Monday, I had ordered a new laptop. (I would have even bought one new, but I wouldn’t have gotten it until early August. Gasp!) It has shipped and I should get it Friday or Monday if all goes well. Right now, I’m taking over Davey’s computer while he’s not home.

So anyway, I’m very behind in blogging. And I will try to take some time tomorrow morning before work to catch up a little. I’ve missed out so far on telling you about a sybian ride Friday (followed by cleaning the kitchen floor, oh yes, there’s a method to MasterDoc’s madness!), hot sex Saturday night… hot anal sex Sunday afternoon… and a threesome last night. Just a typical week for your favorite kinky librarian.

Brief Lull originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on July 14, 2009.