Archive for the 'poly' Category

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Mid-30′s Crisis

Published on November 17, 2009 in anxiety, crazy, depression, derangement, embarrassment, emotions, happy, impulses, mental illness, monogamy, musings, neurosis, non-monogamy, poly, stress, Uncategorized and venting. 3 Comments

I had a meltdown today. It was a combination of factors. I turn 37 tomorrow. Like other women my age who have not had children I’m starting to get scared about the fact that every passing year my ability to have a child lessens. I’m not even sure I want a child. I get these little fantasies about having a little girl (yup, typical!) and teaching her things, taking her to her first day of school. But when I give it more considered thought I realize that I would have to drastically change my lifestyle. Obviously whoever I had the baby with would be the person I spent the most time with as we would be raising a child together. What would happen with my other relationships? It would be much harder to get away to spend time with MasterDoc, or go to a swing party, or get a good beating. Up until a couple of years ago, I was dead set on NOT having a child. And I figured if I changed my mind late in life I could adopt – because ultimately I don’t have the feeling that I have to give birth to a child to love it. I realized that I didn’t want to sacrifice my life enough to do so, and that knowing that and living childless would be the smartest option for myself and any child I could potentially have. If I’m going to parent I want to be committed to it 100%. But the question is, do I want to commit to it 100%? Or even 60%?
So I’m going through this “baby” crisis I’m sure other women my age have gone through. I worry – will I get to old age and feel like I missed out on an important life experience? Who will take care of me when I’m old? But on the other hand I’ve long had worries that I’d be like my mother and have a rough relationship with the child and I really am NOT close to my mother. Having a child doesn’t guarantee having someone around to take care of you when you’re old. I think this has also hit now because over the past three years or so suddenly my friends went from being all unmarried and without children (with rare exceptions) to some of them being married, having kids, settling down. Or being a bit older and having done the family thing and now moved on to enjoying the time they have now that their kids are grown.
There’s also the fact that I could see myself co-parenting with MasterDoc, but as he’s in his mid 50′s he’s not interested in starting over again. He has a kid in college. He has a lifestyle he’s presently happy with. While there have been men in their 50s (or even older) who have fathered children, it’s understandable that most people in their 50s (and up) don’t want to start all over again. And while Davey adores me and would do the family thing if I really wanted one, he doesn’t really want it himself and I think that we have enough similar weaknesses that perhaps he’s not the best one to parent with. And again, do I actually want to do that anyway? Is the desire to have a child based on reality or based on hormones or a sense that time is closing its window for me?
So today I was in crisis. I’ve also been realizing that probably I won’t be as important as I’d like to be to MasterDoc (and that I’ve been terrible in taking Davey for granted). I wondered if I should break up with MasterDoc and go find another Dom who wants more closely what I do. We spent a very teary afternoon talking, and I made him feel terrible. AND I made myself feel terrible. I don’t really want to leave him. I have a wonderful time with him. My life is enhanced having him in it. So it’s not perfect, but you know, it’s really asking a hell of a lot for a relationship to be perfect. I have two wonderful, imperfect relationships with two good men who love me. Maybe I need to spend a little more time appreciating how happy I am much of the time.
I think part of the problem is that I suffer from depression – and so if I feel at all sad or dissatisfied I go off the deep end. I pull away. I bottle things up. I think in black and white. Negative thoughts spiral out of control in my head. And then like a volcano eventually I explode. It’s perfectly reasonable that I’m sad that things with MasterDoc will probably never be the intensity I’d like. But it’s not reasonable that I think it means I have to pull the plug on something that makes us happy.

I’m worn out this evening from the tears. I really do a bang up job of making myself unhappy. I was so utterly and completely miserable. I can’t believe that earlier today I was considering walking out of MasterDoc’s place and going home for good. A better indication of how this was depression rather than what I truly wanted is that I couldn’t picture doing anything other than committing suicide if I walked out of there. I pictured going home and putting my head in the oven. (Goes back to the old affinity I had for Sylvia Plath as a depressed teenager.) I felt horrible. I felt horribly unhappy. I only focused on the imperfect things and forgot the wonderful (perfect even!) facets of my relationship with him. I got extremely morbid and started figuring out that I have enough money in my bank accounts to finish off any outstanding medical bills and cover a funeral for me. I saw no future other than a dark tunnel and death.

I need to spend more time thinking about this baby issue, but thinking about how my life would change if I did it, rather than the idealized fantasy. Life is not one big idealized fantasy. I espouse polyamory virtues right and left but then I find myself thinking that I need to have one relationship meet all my needs. I have more than one relationship of value in my life. I need to start focusing on that. I think I need to deprogram society’s monogamous ideal from my head even more. I can’t see myself not being with Davey or MasterDoc. Why on earth do I feel that I need to focus on one relationship? When I was monogamous, I was never quite happy that I couldn’t explore things with other people.

The sad part is that I may be making up things to be unhappy about. I may be dwelling on things I don’t even want in reality.

Revelation

Published on October 14, 2009 in anxiety, bdsm, bisexuality, D/s, DeeDee, depression, non-monogamy, poly, sex, sex toys, sybian and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

For all my talk about what a sexually liberated woman I am, I have a sexual issue. I have been in denial about this issue, but now I feel like I can’t deny it any more. While I’m totally hot for women – I can’t make the first move. It’s a little like the people who have to be “forced bi” – the reality is they’re into the same sex but they have to feel like someone else has responsibility for what they do that’s homosexual. I at least get as far as knowing I want to have sex with women – that I’m not really being forced, I’m doing something I totally want to do. But I wonder if some of my hesitancy to initiate is that cannot admit to myself enough that I want to do it. This seems a little silly since I am quite happy and comfortable being bisexual. But I wonder if deep down there’s some sort of societal shame at play. Or maybe it’s just that sex is so much hotter for me when I’m Dommed. Now this hesitancy isn’t true 24/7 – sometimes I manage to get it on with women, but by and large it has to be in a party setting, a D/s setting, etc. I’m petrified at making the first move. Truly petrified in the sense of being unable to move. It’s damn frustrating.

I realized this because on Sunday evening DeeDee visited, and she had decided on her way up to New York that she was curious to really get it on with a woman, and since she likes me and we are comfortable with each other that she’d like to do it with me. (We have had some fooling around in the recent past, but I suppose not so much just girl-on-girl action but rather a threesome thing.) But when we got down to it, I froze. DeeDee, who is totally new at this, had to make the first moves and even then I kinda froze. It was weird and annoying.

MasterDoc eventually had me set things up in the living room – condoms, lube, toys, etc. when it became apparent that the “lesbian floorshow” as he was calling it wasn’t going to happen. As I was setting up the sybian for DeeDee’s promised ride after, he asked me to turn the light off so they could see the porn on the computer better. I grew annoyed, feeling like he was suddenly ignoring me because his focus was on cuddling DeeDee and watching the porn, totally not noticing that I needed the light on while I struggled with the sybian attachment. I snapped a little, and it was certainly awkward. MasterDoc reassured me that his plans were to fuck me and the two of them to work me over until I came a bunch of times, we just hadn’t gotten to that yet. Yet again he ended up talking to me (later, alone) about how I should learn to express how I feel before I get to the breaking point. I have such a hard time with it though. But I keep on working on it.

I lay on the mat on the living room floor, and MasterDoc handed me the magic wand. I used it on my clit as he and DeeDee played with my nipples and the rest of my body. As usual the wand makes me go from zero to 60 in something like six seconds. But he told me to take my time – don’t get myself too worked up right away. And so I played with the wand and ached to come. When I was clearly totally and completely hot and bothered, he fucked me from behind. DeeDee took the wand at his suggestion and used it on my clit – she had a bit of a hard time finding it so I placed the wand and eventually held it there.

Being fucked by a nice, large cock (attached to the Dom I love) and feeling the vibrations of the wand at the same time is stellar. He let me come and Jebus did I come hard. I think your average, sex-anxious, not sexually knowledgeable person would be quite shocked to learn just how hard a woman can orgasm. I orgasm harder with MasterDoc than even before – and I’ve always been able to come well, hard and often.

DeeDee got the attention next, and I sat down with a front row seat and watched MasterDoc give her a sybian ride. (By the way, I was out during the afternoon for a few hours and they had gotten freaky during that time, so DeeDee was not going home with just a sybian ride, although I suppose “just” isn’t a word people use for a sybian ride.) It is amazing to watch a woman come on the sybian. It turns her into a jellied mess, and her arms awkwardly reach out to grab onto MasterDoc as she groans and bucks her hips on the machine. Her head becomes buried in his chest one moment, and is leaning on his shoulder the next. She was pretty loud, and MasterDoc had me grab the new gag I have to use on her. She was probably only on it for about 5 minutes or so, but she said after that it felt like a half hour. Thus is the power of the almighty sybian. I said to her after, you know it’s a good orgasm when you feel satisfied just watching it.

It was a fun night, and MasterDoc certainly left us both sated. Unfortunately I dwelled on my little outburst earlier and got quite depressed. It wasn’t a rational depression but part of my dealings with clinical depression. I became suicidal and dwelled on the idea of hurting myself, or killing myself, or hoping that I die in an anaesthesia incident during my surgery next week. I ruminated on “everything” being my fault – within my family growing up, when things are less than perfect with MasterDoc. It was not pretty. I was numb, dwelling and playing a computer game when MasterDoc convinced me to go tuck him in. I opted to go to bed then, and I got some cuddles from him. I cried myself to sleep but thankfully felt a little better the next morning. The depression came back, but we talked, cuddled and he gave me a lovely beating.

To be continued…

First Night at the Club in a Long Time

Published on October 14, 2009 in bdsm, bisexuality, blog, blow jobs, cunnilingus, cunt, D/s, dom, flogging, gums, kink, non-monogamy, orgasm denial, poly, sex, sex parties, sex toys, shio, spanking, squirting, submissive, swinging and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

MasterDoc and I had a wonderful time at a swing club on Saturday night. We hadn’t been to one in quite a while, and that night was a special bdsm/swing party going on – totally up our alley.

When we got to the club, there were some couples already hanging about. We walked around, checking out how they’ve changed the decor, and commenting on how they made the club look better with decorations, but they still have the same crappy beds. As we stood in the central area, I started feeling some of the social anxiety that hits me at times. I let MasterDoc know that I was feeling anxious. He promptly took me to one of the private rooms so I could cuddle him and feel better. I couldn’t wait to wear my collar – it helps with anxiety because I focus on being sub with the collar on. I start to ignore my surroundings and focus on being an obedient submissive. As we started to fool around, I kept wavering between self-consciousness and being absorbed in sex. I realized that the whole “I-feel-more-secure-naked-than-with-my-clothes-on” stems from where my focus is. When I’m being beaten, or I’m having sex, or giving a blow job, my focus is on that act and how it feels to me and my partner, and so I cease being anxious about the other people around me. MasterDoc went down on me and I mostly kept my eyes closed so that I could focus on the sensation of him toying with my clit. A lady ducked her head in, and at first seemed shocked that she interrupted us, but quickly she took a seat so she could watch. He had me suck his cock, and again, I loved being absorbed in it. My collar was on by this time, and I was blissfully in slut mode.

MasterDoc fucked me from behind – HARD. By this time my getting into submissive-slut headspace was complete. I yearned to come, and yet deep down I like the tease. It feels wonderful but eventually you need to have a release. I came extremely hard and he thrust his cock inside me. When my muscles pushed his cock out he kept me coming with his hands. I was squirting over and over again as I sank into the bed. The sheets were completely soaked. I lay there for a while, catching my breath.

We went to tell the owner that the bed needed new sheets (we took the wet ones and tossed them in the laundry basket). Thankfully, MasterDoc did not make me tell the owner what had happened. I suppose I shouldn’t be embarrassed by squirting, but it can be a bit daunting to proclaim you’ve made a mess, no matter how you’ve made it.

After we informed the owner, we ended up talking with couple who want to be dubbed Sid and Nancy who were visiting New York from Saskatchewan (Canada, in case you didn’t know). They were a very nice looking couple and the husband had a very funny sense of dry humor. We sat talking with them, and they asked us lots of questions about bdsm. Explaining the ins and outs of our relationship really piqued the interest of the wife, Nancy, but they both seemed a bit put off when we explained the whole polyamory thing. “Yes, we both sleep with other people. Yes, we sleep with each other.” Overall they were really nice to talk to and hang out with and I didn’t mind their questions. Often, MasterDoc likes to threaten to command me to have sex with some really fugly guy – but when I met this couple I was hoping he’d “make” me have sex with them. (Hee hee as in, damn they were cute. Please, please make me.) But while this couple is exploring their sexuality and having experiences they don’t swap with others.

We showed them some of the toys we had brought with us. I have a new paddle that imprints the word “slut” on you (most of the time). I showed them the imprint on the inside of my arm (I hit myself so hard that I have a bruise. Happy to say you can’t read any letters though.) Nancy was really curious about my collar and she wanted to put it on. I let her and she wore it for quite a while. Since it was clear she was interested in bdsm, MasterDoc start doing his Dom thing. It’s fantastic to watch. He knows that there’s way more to being a Dom than ordering people about and hitting them. He takes his time getting eye contact with the submissive and developing a sense of trust and connection; gently touching her face, being calming. I love watching him do it, he’s so good at it!

Nancy was up for a spanking, so we adjourned to the bdsm room. MasterDoc spanked her, and her husband (Sid) took a turn and clearly he had done it before. He tried the little flogger and gave Sid some lessons on it. (He needs practice with the flogger {raises hand to volunteer!}, but he was very comfortable with the paddle.) MasterDoc had me get the Acuvibe Mini out and he used it on her clit while hubby spanked her. She sat up on the spanking bench to grind her cunt into the vibe. It was extremely hot to watch!

After the spanking, Sid and Nancy went back to the smoking area to have cigarettes. We talked some more, laughing a lot. When Nancy found out I’m bi she seemed quite interested. As I got up to get ready to leave, she came over and told me that apparently nipple color is supposed to match the color of your gums and she took my breasts out of my low-cut top to take a look. I reciprocated, so she’d know that the interest was mutual. We exchanged contact information with this couple (they come to New York a few times a year) and gave them this blog address. Hopefully we will keep in touch with them. I’m always quite happy to explain things about living an open, sex-positive, slutty, kinky life to newbies – I have such an amazing time with my life that I’m fanatical about sharing it.

Double Fuck Sunday

Published on October 5, 2009 in blow jobs, cunnilingus, cunt, dating, masturbation, non-monogamy, poly, sex, sex toys, sexuality, slut and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

With MasterDoc away my kink life has slowed down considerably. But I haven’t exactly been sex-free. Despite back problems the past few days (Pinched nerve. Owie.) I did manage to get laid yesterday…. twice.

I had my first date with Shane in a while. We basically hang out, have sex and watch dvds. And you know, I’m a woman of simple tastes and this makes me perfectly happy. Despite being a little loopy and sleepy on vicodin for my back, it was easy to get me in the mood with just a few passionate kisses. I suggested we go into the bedroom as laying down would be easier on my back than sitting on the couch. We stripped our clothes off – there’s no pretensions of propriety here – and climbed in bed. He slid his hand between my legs almost immediately. He toyed with my clit and then bent over to lick my pussy. While I can sometimes have a hard time coming from oral these days, I came really hard and quite quickly. His hard cock was calling to me, so I leaned over while he still went down on me and I took his cock in my mouth.

I just love sucking cock when it’s so clearly appreciated. While I wasn’t bad to begin with, MasterDoc’s training me to his preferences has resulted in me being even better at fellatio. Next Shane fucked me from behind, and I came over and over and over again. Eventually he asked if I was exhausted yet, and I had to say, “Yes!” But in typical fashion I was going to take as much as I could and come as many times as possible before crying “uncle.” The vicodin must have relaxed my muscles a bit, because my cunt didn’t clamp down as hard as usual, despite my coming quite hard.

We lay down to relax briefly, and then I went back to sucking his cock. It would be quite rude, don’t you think, to leave him in that state after he had made me come, oh, about a million times? I sucked and stroked his cock with my hand. I’d look up at him seductively from time to time. I tried to keep up a fast pace with the mouth/hand combo but my mouth started to get tired. I hate that. So I switched to my hand and could tell he was getting close. I supported my wrist with my other hand and tried my damndest to keep going until he came. But my recently sprained wrist couldn’t hold out and I ended up stopping at precisely the wrong time. “You suck!” he cried out a few times. I apologized profusely as I hated to stop at such a critical moment, but I just couldn’t physically go on.

He took over with his hand and I lent my mouth for some more stimulation. I tweaked his nipples and stroked his inner thighs. When he was about to come, he lowered my face down to his cock so he could come on my face. He shot a large load of cum on my left cheek. I found some tissues and cleaned up. We lay there for a while, resting, until I got hungry enough to go get us the snacks I had picked up. We retired to the living room to eat, watch Family Guy and hang out.

Then, at home last evening, Davey gave me that look that says, “Let’s do it” and I could hardly say no when he probably knew/assumed that I had had sex with Shane. So he gave me a quick back rub which led into more stroking and caressing. He made me come and I kept stroking my clit even after. I asked him to fuck me, and he said I needed to suck him for a while first. I did and got him hard, and then he took me from behind as I used my bullet vibe on my clit. I came a bit, and managed to push his cock out, unfortunately. He fingered me to another orgasm, then went back to fucking me. He didn’t quite manage to come (thank you stupid vaginal muscles from hell!) but then he knelt and stroked his cock while I played with his ass, thighs, chest, etc. And eventually, he came.

I think this was the busiest day I’ve had in a while. I was quite satisfied after, but I do miss my kink.

Sedate Weekend

Published on September 13, 2009 in exhibitionism, lesbian, monogamy, non-monogamy and poly. 0 Comments

I’ve had a relatively sedate weekend. I canceled my date with Shane on Friday because I felt tired, blah and like being alone. He was a good sport about it. Yesterday I went to a friend’s baby shower and had fun, but nearly ended up explaining polyamory to the whole room. A friend said, “Where’s Davey?” (As he has long been my “official boyfriend.”) I answered her honestly, “He’s with his other girlfriend.” Man, the look on her face! Ha ha ha. I said, “It’s okay, I have another boyfriend.” I ended up laughing, turning red and when others in the room asked what was going on my friend said very loudly, very adamantly, “Nevermind! Don’t get into it!”

I took the time to write her a short note today. While I had never kept my poly status secret with this group of friends, neither have I shouted from the rooftops. So I explained, briefly, about my relationship and pointed her in the direction of Wikipedia, The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures and Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships.
It was funny hanging out with this group of friends yesterday. I’ve been friends with them for years and became part of the group when I dated one of the guys in it. He’s now married and I get along great with his wife (she said that she knew about me being poly when it came up yesterday). But since most of the circles I move in are sex bloggers, bdsm practitioners and other perverts, I don’t spend a lot of time with monogamous people other than at work. Or, at least, people who don’t know about and accept polyamory. And I have to say, as much as I love these friends, I’m happier hanging out with people who are more open when it comes to sexuality and their relationships.

It’s not fun being in the closet, or having to explain your relationship choices to people. (This is probably the biggest reason (for me) to be in the closet – so you don’t have to explain yourself). But I don’t know that I have the chutzpah to live my life openly everywhere. I don’t keep the poly thing a secret much – I’ve told both my parents by now – but I also don’t push it in people’s faces. I do think some people need to be out there with it, it’s just not me.

I was relieved last night to have dinner with my friend Diva (who is certainly aware of polyamory in general and me being poly in particular) and then we met up with Tess to go to Hypergender Burlesque. Queer burlesque was a good antidote to being with the “normals” for the afternoon. (I probably shouldn’t say it like that, as my friends are wonderful people who just live more conventional lives than I do.) There were a variety of body types represented and lots of fun costumes and acts. While it’s striptease, it’s also performance art. Diva introduced me around as “the kinky librarian” and some people reacted with recognition. Cool!

I suppose only my idea of a sedate weekend would consist of watching lesbians take their costumes off. Heh. But really, compared to what you so often read here this IS sedate.

Although I must admit, I’ve long wanted to perform a striptease in the burlesque tradition. Maybe one day you’ll see me up there on stage.

Counting the days til MasterDoc is back on the east coast (two!).

Impromptu Fuck

Published on August 26, 2009 in blow jobs, cunnilingus, horny, non-monogamy, poly, sex and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Those of you who read MasterDoc’s comment on my last post may have wondered what exactly he was talking about. On Monday night I had a date pre-planned with Shane. It looked like it would be a non-sexual date because we didn’t really have anywhere to go, but at the last minute MasterDoc had to go out, so he offered his place to us. (I think he likes me being a slut.)

So I called up Shane as I left work and headed to the restaurant where we were going to meet. This was actually a good thing since he had some weird directions from google maps and I could step in and guide him better than the computer generated directions. We met up at the restaurant, switched to my car and went off to MasterDoc’s.

Shane was kind enough to help me bring up all the stuff still in my car from the weekend. So far he’s been an affable, decent guy. Of course he was delighted by the turn of events. I was glad too, as I’m sure no matter how much I told myself that it would be “good for us” to have a sexless date, I probably would have gotten horny and frustrated.

We cuddled on the couch, but soon he suggested I take my clothes off. He did the same, and we headed to the bedroom. We cuddled some more, but since we had a limited amount of time we soon got started. He went down on me – licking, fingering – getting me wet and horny. I reached over and played with his cock at the same time. Soon there was pre-cum seeping out of his hard penis. I pinched his nipples – something he really likes.

I sucked his cock for a bit, and Shane makes plenty of appreciative noises when he feels good. Guys: women like feedback too. Stoically silent may be your style but it helps to moan and gasp a bit when a woman (or a man) is doing wonderful things to your cock.

I got on top of him, and energetically rode. He encouraged me to come, and come I did. My vaginal muscles squeezed his cock as I shuddered and came. I asked him if he could come if I wasn’t busy coming (and squeezing the bejesus out of his cock). He said that it’s hard to come with the condom on – but immediately clarified that he was NOT suggesting I forgo the condom. However, he was enjoying himself quite a bit, so it was okay that an orgasm for him might not happen right then.

I rode him until I was tired out (which came pitifully quickly as I was tired from getting home late from Floating World the night before, and I hadn’t eaten dinner and was hungry). We rested – and it was too hot to cuddle too closely. I sucked his cock some more and he said that he’d like to come on my face – something he’s really into. Being a girl, I told him that I’d rather he came on my tits as I didn’t want to have to wash and blow dry my hair again that night. Ha ha. So he compromised and came on my tits.

We cleaned up, he had a cigarette, and then we left for dinner. We had a late dinner at a Mexican restaurant, and it was nice to sit and chat with him. Today we scheduled our dates for September, so I already know when I’ll see him next.

Floating World, Day Three

Published on August 25, 2009 in bdsm, best sex bloggers, bisexuality, blog, blogs, bondage, cunnilingus, cunt, D/s, DeeDee, edge play, exhibitionism, Floating World, kink, lesbian, masochism, non-monogamy, orgasm on command, poly, sadism, sex, sex parties, sex toys, sexuality, submissive, sybian, threesome and Uncategorized. 2 Comments

After breakfast, the last day, MasterDoc and I went to the erotic hypnosis lecture. (I had developed a mini-crush on Lee Harrington the day before. I suddenly find myself attracted to butches and transmen when I wasn’t before. He is smart, funny and wonderful at leading a class… I’m smitten.) MasterDoc was hoping for a more detailed look at how to put a sub into trance, but I thought there was a good bit of info there. Next we went to the deep head space exploration lecture for a bit. I was tired and getting drowsy, plus the lecture seemed to get a little repetitive (a lot of stuff was also in the consensual non-consent class the day before). We snuck out early, got me a soda to wake me up and wandered around. MD went to check his cell phone for messages (keeping him apart from his Palm is a terrible thing). I went to vending and gave in to buying leather bondage waist cincher. I will try to get a photo of it on here in the coming days. I feel sexy in it and MasterDoc seemed to like it.

I got to meet Mollena, who I really wanted to meet. I love her blog, she’s an excellent writer and also does bdsm education (she did three classes at Floating World this past weekend). So I was all fan girl meeting her and when I told her I write Diary of a Kinky Librarian she stepped back, and bowed to me with arms outstretched above her head. I couldn’t believe it! I feel like I’m such a nobody and to have that reaction was really nice. She gave me a hug and I really hope I get the chance to hang out and talk with her at another event down the road. (I was hurrying off to a class at the time.)

I went to the managing a household lecture and picked up some tips and inspiration for being better at the service submissive side of things. After, I luckily found MasterDoc and DeeDee quickly – DeeDee had given in to buying a corset herself. MD said he wondered where I was and when I said I went to the household management class like I said I was going to – MD said he had thought it was a joke. But no, no joke. We went to vending at this time and he bought three canes as the deal was three for $50. We shall see how I like them when we try them out.

We went out for dinner, then back to DeeDee’s hotel room for a threesome. Since she hadn’t yet had an orgasm or sex that weekend, and in appreciation for giving MasterDoc and I time alone the night before, we focused on DeeDee (at least that was my inspiration). It was loads of fun. She lay on the bed naked between us. MasterDoc kissed her while I played with her nipples. I stroked her body as he went down on her for a while, and he popped his head up for a moment to tell me to be ready to take over. So when he finished I got between her legs and licked her cunt while he played with her upper half and kissed her. After a bit, I slid a finger in and stroked where I thought her g-spot was. (Yes, I’m a little clueless even after all this time – I estimate the location.) And later added a second finger. Her moans were enough to tell me I was doing a good job.

MasterDoc handed me the magic wand and I pressed it to her clit. She was in danger of coming (without having permission yet) and so I had to back off with the wand a little. MasterDoc got her on all fours and fucked her while I pressed the wand to her clit. She had to help reposition it a few times (you try keeping a wand on a clit that keeps moving as the woman gets fucked and you’re reaching around and under her!) She did get permission to come and came pretty hard. I really enjoyed watching and participating. It was all very hot. After, she said to me, “Nadia, you really know your way around a woman’s body!” So very nice to hear.

We got dressed and went to the play space (me in leather cincher and plaid schoolgirl skirt). MasterDoc’s sybian came out for the first time and we got it set up in the play area on a mat. I got to ride it first – the other two ladies lined up were nervous. I grinded my crotch into the machine as it vibrated against me. I begged for permission to come and was allowed to come right away. I came like a woman possessed. Jaw slack, moaning, screaming, crying out, “Oh fuck!” He kept me on there for a good long while and I came over and over again. He slapped my face a few times and I just loved it.

After me, another Dom’s sub had a ride. (He is the person who was at the party where I was assaulted who wrote to me via MasterDoc recently on fetlife to apologize for not speaking up. Anyway, we were friendly with him and his subs over the weekend.) She enjoyed herself, but didn’t come. She had gotten on with her panties on as it was that time of the month, and the lace fabric between her and the machine made the situation less than ideal. But she did enjoy it and wants to try again sometime. Her Dom cuddled her on the futon we had laid next to the sybian mat and I chatted with them while DeeDee got prepared for her ride. (This other sub is in library school – I ran into a fair number of librarians there!)

DeeDee received her first ride. It was fun to watch and MasterDoc motioned to me to get the paddle for him. He used the paddle a bit as she moaned and came. He handed it to me and had me paddle her butt as well. Then he had me slap her ass with my bare hand for a while. She was on the sybian a while and seemed to have a wonderful time. She also needed to lay on the futon and receive some after care. I cleaned up our stuff when it became apparent that no one else wanted to give the sybian a ride. (Their loss!) And I joined MasterDoc and DeeDee on the futon as I had very few cuddles that day. I was saying goodbye to MD and DeeDee shortly after that, and heading home. MasterDoc spent the extra night with DeeDee and took the train home in the morning.

Odds and ends: I loved how there was acceptance of so many kinks. There’s plenty of things there that I have no interest in doing (they just don’t turn me on) but people were free to do whatever they were into (within reason) fire play, pony play, age play, needles, blood, suspension, bondage, spanking, flogging, etc. etc. There was a diverse crowd there – women from Lesbian Sex Mafia, queer people of all stripes, straights, pansexuals, etc. and a great deal of acceptance for people being who they were.

We ran into some people we knew from around New York – the Dom that had come over months before with his three submissives – he was there with slave number one. I had hoped to run into someone I knew on fetlife who likes this blog, but she and I never managed to cross paths although she did run into MasterDoc in the hall at the hotel and introduced herself. It was nice to become friendly with that Dom who knew me from the bad party years ago. I saw Vera from FYN and chatted for a while. (And suggested that I can help write copy in exchange for product! I have copywriting experience.) We saw S’s daughter there (along with her friend the librarian I had a couple of dates with a while back who was with her when I saw her at In The Flesh). It was a little awkward as she’s not comfortable around MasterDoc (as he’s schtupping her mother and could conceivably tell her mother about her activities. Granted, her mother and her each know the other is kinky, but of course the details end there.) but she made a point to say hello to me when he wasn’t nearby. I saw MinaMeow and her girlfriend, and one woman Davey dates. I got to meet John Baku and remind him of the interview I did with him for Best Sex Bloggers that never got published. (He didn’t like how he sounded, and he’s not much for writing. I told him to let me know what he wants to say and I will work out how to write it. It’s not investigative journalism, more of a puff piece.) Anyway I’m not to worried about it at this point. It may never see the light of day.)

All in all, I had a good weekend, and I got home late on Sunday night. I was spent.

Floating World, Days One and Two

Published on August 24, 2009 in anxiety, bdsm, blow jobs, D/s, DeeDee, edge play, emotions, exhibitionism, Floating World, kink, masochism, non-monogamy, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, poly, sadism, sex, sex parties, sex toys, shio, slut, spanking, squirting, stress and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

MasterDoc and I got a late start leaving his place, so we arrived late at the convention center. The first class was in progress around that time, so we opted to wander the space and look around, check out the play equipment and briefly look at the vendors. Then we went to the hotel and got settled. We went out to dinner at a nearby Italian restaurant – I was wearing a low cut top by that time. My cleavage got some double takes at the restaurant. After dinner, we went back to the hotel and met up with DeeDee. The three of us went downstairs to the meet and greet in the hotel lobby, but none of us were very good about striking up conversations with new people, so we went over to the play space in the convention center.

Walking in was magical – it was like some grand, perverse, adult Disneyland. Huge suspension frames towered overhead, and the music added to the atmosphere. MasterDoc was being very attentive to DeeDee as she’s very new to all this; apparently (I know now) he was concerned that it would be overwhelming and freak her out. I however had a hard time with being relatively ignored despite realizing that yes, she was new and could use some attention. After all, despite my experience in bdsm and playing in public, I was overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of people around at the event. I had also earlier voiced my preference that he and I attend this event alone, since it was the first large scale kink event we had managed to get to. So Friday evening, I had a meltdown. I felt ignored and so frustrated with the idea of being ignored the entire weekend since I was the “experienced one.” I grumpily sniped at MasterDoc a bit and he pulled me aside to discuss the issue. He decided that the three of us would play, and the focus would be on me to help soothe my feelings of being ignored. Unfortunately, at this point I was in such a negative headspace that I couldn’t get into it. He had me lay down, naked on a futon and he and DeeDee played with my body a bit. Now, none of this unhappiness is personal to DeeDee – I like her a great deal; she’s a nice, smart, attractive lady who has always been respectful of the relationship I have with MasterDoc. I’m glad that she and I are becoming friends. The issue I was having was not her fault. MasterDoc tried to make me come with the acuvibe, but my head just kept mulling over how I felt frustrated that DeeDee would have to be included in everything we did that weekend – that I wouldn’t have the time alone to play or cuddle with MasterDoc that I wanted. And this alone time was important to me, because even though I’ve had a lot of fun with MasterDoc and DeeDee together, it does change the dynamics of the situation. So as this scene went on, I couldn’t come and when MasterDoc slapped my thigh it really hurt and I nearly started crying. I could not get into the right headspace. We ended up scrapping the scene, and walking around watching the various play going on around us. Back at the hotel, MasterDoc and I had a good talk.

Saturday morning I was feeling better, especially since MasterDoc had reassured me the night before that he and I would have some play time alone that night. After breakfast, we went to a piercing/needle play class. It was a 301 level course, but I hadn’t seen any lower level piercing course and I was really keen to learn about play piercing so we went. The demo model is clearly experienced in this sort of play as she never once cried out in pain as she got jabbed with needles, or the needles were twisted around in her flesh, or the inserted needles were pounded against by the instructor. People who wanted to got to don gloves and give it a try on the model – MasterDoc gave it a go. Being a medical doctor, he has experience using needles, just not in this pervertable way. I was keen to try it myself, but as a bottom. They lay me down on a table and prepped my arms with disinfectant. MasterDoc slowly pierced the flesh of my upper inner arm with a few needles. It hurt, but I could handle it. Then the instructor of the class came over and jabbed me with needles and thumped against the painful area with the needles still in. Yikes. For the rest of the weekend I referred to hear as the mean lady who had hurt me. (Grin.) I bled much more on the side that she did, and after a particularly harsh jab from her, I cried out, “Ow! Don’t let her do that!!” My arm bled a bit on that side, but I’m not fazed by a little blood. MasterDoc helped me clean up and recover after. I was a bit irked by the fact that the instructor was so focused on “Well this is a 301 level course,” that she didn’t listen when MasterDoc explained that while that’s true, I was totally new to needle play. He asked her not to get too rough with me and she didn’t listen. So much for consensual. Funny thing is, later on the side MasterDoc did bruised quite a bit and the other side barely did. But the other side still hurt more.

I did have some endorphins flowing afterwards, and I needed a bite to eat. DeeDee had joined us by this time and she had a protein bar in her bag which helped me come back down to earth. When I was ok, I left them to attend a panel discussion on how to make a living doing bdsm. MD and DeeDee went to “rope bondage for the knot challenged.” (MasterDoc is surprisingly not good with rope, by his own admission.) The panel discussion was lively and featured Dr. Clockwork, Lee Harrington, John Baku, Jay Wiseman and Nina Love. I was taken by Lee Harrington’s sense of humor and skill at leading a panel discussion.

Next, MasterDoc and I went to a class on consensual non-consent. I really liked how the myth of it being “the top can do anything they want to the bottom then and the bottom can’t safeword” was dispelled. Still, I’m curious about some consensual non-consent play. I need to explore why I’m interested and discuss it at length with MasterDoc before we do any.

We three had dinner and then went back to hotel for a nap and shower. DeeDee opted to stay in so MasterDoc and I could have some time alone – which I really appreciated. He and I went to play space and wandered around, watching the various play going on. I felt anxious to play and when MasterDoc commented on that choice of words (why not “eager” he asked) I explained that large crowds make me feel socially ill at ease and if we were actively playing I wouldn’t feel that. I wore a hot outfit that night – plaid schoolgirl skirt, fishnet stockings, red bra with black mesh top over it and black waist cincher. For our first play, he spanked and paddled me as I knelt on a futon. He had just bought a new paddle that day and this was the first time he had tried it out. I like it so far. He gave me a good hard spanking and then made me come with the acuvibe. After a short break, I stroked and sucked his cock to hardness (no penetration without condoms in the play space at Floating World, so I couldn’t just suck him hard w/o the condom on.) When he was good and hard I rode him until I had an amazing orgasm. As I came, he slapped my face roughly and called me whore – oh boy did that make me come harder. Even after my muscles had pushed his cock out I kept coming and convulsing as I lay against his chest.

We were both hungry by this time, so we went to the midnight buffet. Unfortunately this consisted of cold pizza and salad. Still, food was needed. We wandered around some more, watching. I saw some littles play and commented to MasterDoc how I don’t get it, but I did have to admit that it was cute when I watched it – just not what would turn me on. There were (human) ponies all dressed up, pulling carriage rides. I saw some beautiful suspensions. We looked for another space to play and pretty much everywhere was taken. Eventually I snagged another futon. This time he used the clover clamps on my nipples as I sat cross-legged facing him. Jesus do those things hurt. But I followed his orders to breathe deeply and slowly so I could manage the pain. I found that after a while the pain would subside and I’d feel all hot and aroused in my cunt. It would hurt again, however, and after a short while he took them off, having me take a deep breath as he released their grip on my nipples. Then he lay me down and used the acuvibe and archer wand (I love glass toys!) to make me come so hard I squirted and even dampened my skirt despite having pulled it up to my waist. He made me go back to the hotel with my skirt all wet – I wasn’t allowed to dry off all of my come.

After this wonderful evening, we went back to the hotel. At his suggestion I showered since I was more awake then than I’d be in the morning. We fell asleep and I slept soundly until MasterDoc’s alarm went off and he cuddled me to wake me up.

Shane

Published on August 24, 2009 in blow jobs, cunnilingus, dom, non-monogamy, poly, sex, sex toys, shio, squirting, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

I’m getting behind on blogging since I’m busy cavorting with the perverts at Floating World. But with a few spare minutes, let me at least cover my Thursday night.

I had second date with Shane, who I mentioned only in passing a couple of weeks ago (and not by name). Shane is the owner of a gaming store and a self-described alpha geek. I happen to like geeks (and nerds) and so when he wrote to me on a vanilla dating site I was interested enough to write back. It turns out he’s experienced in poly and in bdsm (in the top role) so he was certainly someone I could relate to.

We hung out at MasterDoc’s – the plan all along to get naked and fuck while MasterDoc was at work. (And of course MasterDoc knew about this beforehand and gave his consent.) We made out like teenagers until the food we ordered was delivered – and then took a break to eat.

After dinner, he got me naked and went down on me as I lay back on the sofa. As much as I like orgasm control, it is nice now and then being able to orgasm at will – I worry a little that I’ll lose the ability with being so used to requiring MasterDoc saying “come” before I can orgasm. He ate me out until I came for a while. Then we switched roles and I sucked his cock until he came.

Finally, I managed to drag him off to the bedroom where we fucked for the first time. I opted for him on top and we fucked like rabbits. I came a few times, and he declared that my pussy felt like there was a young boy in there “squeezing grapes” when it clenched around his cock. He managed to keep it in, but he says that he doubts he could come while I’m coming. Not a big surprise – my vaginal muscles are legendary.

The bedroom was warm as I had neglected to put the air conditioner on before he got there, so we went back to the living room to cool off and relax. We watched one of my Britcom dvds for a bit, and then went back to kissing passionately, which led to another sojourn to the bedroom.

We fucked some more, I rode him until I was worn out. He fucked me from behind for a bit, and again, my cunt was “squeezing grapes.” (I came probably 20 times to his twice. Hey, biology favors women in this arena.) After, I made him come again and let him come on the side of my face, because I knew that would send him over the edge.

We rested some more, and then I wanted more fooling around before MasterDoc got home – so we went to the bedroom and he went down on me some more, played with my clit and got out my Liv to fuck me with. I squirted at one point. Then, shortly after midnight I hear the door buzzer sound. Maybe it was MasterDoc warning us that he was home…. I realized that I should check my phone since I had left it in the living room and couldn’t have heard the ring – there were two messages from MasterDoc. Shit. I was in trouble.

I called him back right away and he was down stairs waiting for me to help carry some stuff up for him – especially important because his back had been bothering him all day. He expressed his displeasure – after all, I only needed to be available from midnight on. I knew that some sort of punishment would be forthcoming.

Shane and I hung out with MD for a while, and then I opted to sleep with Shane. In the morning, he woke me up earlier than I needed to be up because was looking for another orgasm. I sucked his cock and made him come on my tits a bit. We didn’t fuck since it was probably best if I was ready for fucking at Floating World that weekend. We went out for breakfast and he hung out a bit, then he got going as MasterDoc and I packed for Floating World. An official punishment for my mistake on Thursday night is still forthcoming. You can bet I won’t make that mistake again. MasterDoc is right, I’m his submissive, I should have been accessible to him.

The Night of the Four Orgasms, Part I

Published on August 19, 2009 in bdsm, bisexuality, bondage, cunnilingus, cunt, D/s, DeeDee, non-monogamy, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, poly, restraints, sex toys, threesome, Uncategorized and vacation. 0 Comments

The original plan for last night, was that I’d be home, and MasterDoc would spend the evening with DeeDee – giving her an evening alone with him. She has expressed an interest in being an additional submissive of his rather than just a playmate. But since she recently made a big mistake that greatly displeased MasterDoc (further details withheld to protect the guilty) he decided that, to punish her, he’d have me over and show her all the orgasms she could have had if she hadn’t messed up.

While I don’t take joy in another’s mistakes, I certainly wasn’t upset to know that I was going to be the recipient of many orgasms. It was nice to see DeeDee again, I’m very fond of her, and she, MasterDoc and I enjoyed some sushi for dinner. After dinner, they both bathed and it was off to the bedroom time.

MasterDoc used the underbed restraints to secure me to the bed, which was what he had originally planned to do to DeeDee. He gagged me with my bit gag, and my collar was on. He had her mirror his moves and they each took one side of my body and played with it – caressing, kissing, sucking on my nipples. It was luxurious having two people pay such attention to me. It ended up being lighthearted, so MasterDoc took my collar off so I could feel free to giggle along.

He got between my outstretched legs and began licking my clit. I thought to myself, “Wow he’s going to get her to do that to me next.” I wondered if she was ready for it as she’d never gone down on a woman before. But DeeDee is adventurous and she immediately took her place between my legs when MasterDoc asked her to. She gently licked my clit up and down, and sought out feedback on her technique. We discussed how holding the labia apart is beneficial so you can get better, more direct access to the clit. When DeeDee declared that it’s hard work (her tongue was getting tired), MasterDoc pointed out that you vary the tongue movements and you make use of your lips to give your tongue a rest. She caught on quite quickly and I was thrilled to be secured to the bed, spread eagle, and having two wonderful people work me over.

MasterDoc got the acuvibe and played with it against my labia and clit. He’s very good at varying the vibrations so that it tickles my lips at one point, then he presses it against my clit and I start grinding my hips against it and moaning. He alternates movements, so that I’m brought up to the heights of arousal and then slowly slid back down the slope of the peak. The acuvibe began to lose power (the one drawback to it) so he had DeeDee hand him the magic wand. Rowr. She continued to stroke my body and play with me while MasterDoc went to town on my pussy with the magic wand. He had removed the gag by then because it was hard for me to talk and be included in the discussion. Although it probably would have been best if I had it in my mouth when he brought me to orgasm. He teased me quite a bit, and my hands clutched at the restraints holding my wrists down. I spread my legs as far as I could with my ankles in bondage. I slipped into a reverie, my vibrating clit being the focus of my concentration.

One of the lovely things about women is how soft they are, and their touch is usually softer than a man’s (their kisses also tend to be delightfully soft). So while MasterDoc teased me mercilessly with the magic wand, DeeDee’s soft hands stroked my leg, the area of my hip joint (where it’s very sensitive), my breasts. Oh I was very, very lucky. Everyone should know pleasure like this at some point (hell, at multiple points!) of their lives.

MasterDoc told me to ride the edge of orgasm, so I did, because I know darn well that when he wants me to do that, I should be ready at a second’s notice to come. I get extra aroused because orgasm becomes imminent. When he gave me permission to come, I was thrown into an intense orgasm. My limbs tugged at my bonds, and my torso curled upward. I tried controlling the noise I was making, but I’m certain I was still making quite a racket. He kept pushing the vibe against me, and turned it up to the second level of vibration at one point. I came and came – oh Jesus it was absolute ecstacy. Like the greedy slut that I am I kept coming for as long as he would let me and I was exhausted when it was over. One of my ankles had pulled free from the cuff that held it, but certainly with three limbs secured and intense orgasms wracking my body, I wasn’t going anywhere!

They undid the cuffs and I sat up, and immediately got a headache. I lay back down again and the headache subsided, I was left to rest while they went to the living room.