Archive for the 'poly' Category

Why The Lesbian Sheep Dance?

Published on July 16, 2010 in Uncategorized, anxiety, attraction, bisexuality, lesbian, musings, poly and sexuality. 1 Comment

The other day MasterDoc asked me if, when it comes to dating women, I sabotage myself. I had to say yes, I think I do but of course figuring out why is much harder.

I do wonder if I have some deeply internalized homophobia going on – as in, being gay is just fine but oooh I’d be a bad person if I did it. Perhaps my upbringing in a Catholic family (albeit rather lapsed), in the suburbs (where people tend to conform even more), during the 80′s (you never saw openly gay kids in high school back then – at least not in the burbs where I was, and blatant homophobia was rampant) all contributed to this state of affairs. My grandmother, who I grew up in the house with, would have flipped out over my brother being gay or me being bi. She was deeply distressed back when Rosie O’Donnell came out. She liked Rosie and was bewildered to find that she’s “a gay.” I pointed out to her that she was still the same exact person she enjoyed watching on tv before, only now she knew more about her private life than before.

My grandmother passed away in 2002, and while I was out to myself as bi (and had had sex with women by then) I was totally closeted as far as my family was concerned. I’m still not out to my dad. My brother only came out as gay around 2006 (he’s much younger than me, he was around 23 at the time). My father, who I was always close to, is deeply uncomfortable with homosexuality. He’s a 62-year-old man who grew up in a Catholic family during an era when homosexuality was truly vilified (hey, he grew up in New York pre-Stonewall). In so many ways my dad is a spectacular guy – but he cannot seem to get it into his head that homosexuality is not a choice, does not do bad things to your soul, and ultimately is a natural part of the world. He would never be mean or antagonistic towards someone he knew was gay, but he would be deeply uncomfortable.

Since I’ve been closer to my dad than my mom, it’s not surprising that after my brother came out I came out to my mother – because frankly I could give a shit if she didn’t like it. But I’m really afraid of disappointing my father. Already, he’s struggling with the whole poly thing and he hasn’t even met MasterDoc yet (and has no idea he’s much older than me). Imagine if I threw a girlfriend into the mix?

My mother was totally accepting of both my brother and I – though I don’t think she quite “gets” that poly is an ongoing thing and not just something you do until you settle down. Her family was far more liberal than my father’s ever was. (The aforementioned grandmother who I grew up with was dad’s mom.) And while my brother is gay and open-minded in some ways, he does identify still as Roman Catholic (says his Facebook page) and *shudder* republican. Being the way out left liberal that I am kinda makes me the black sheep of my immediate family. They’re largely used to and embracing of how “unique” I am, but there’s still some things best not discussed around family. I’m used to keeping parts of myself and my life secret from them.

So do I sabotage myself? It’s possible. Why don’t I ever EVER make a move on a woman I’m interested in? If a woman I like pursues me, then we’re fine, but as so many of us ladies do the lesbian sheep dance it leaves me in a position where I long for a woman in my life, but never quite get one. How can I work through this and get over my subconscious hang up?

Davey

Published on July 2, 2010 in Uncategorized, commitment, dating, emotions, musings and poly. 3 Comments

I’ve found that even when you initiate a break up with someone, it can still be terribly painful and sad. I was with Davey for 5.5 years – the longest relationship I’ve ever had. A few weeks ago I drew things to a close.

Part of me is bewildered at what I’ve done. I love him, I do, but romantically things had fizzled out for me. I never discussed it on here because I didn’t think it would be fair to Davey. As it is, he stopped reading my blog when it became too painful to read about the sex I was having with other people, but not him. I think it’s especially sad when you love someone and want them to be important in your life, but you decide you’d rather be friends than lovers.

Of course, all this is doubly painful for Davey because his feelings for me didn’t change.

He told me last night that he plans to move out. I now need to move or find a roommate. We were planning to go on a cruise together in September but I doubt that’s happening now. I want to remain close friends with him but only time will tell if we manage that.

I’ve come to realize, or at least believe for now, that for me emotionally I’m fairly monogamous (but non-monogamous physically and affectionately). I can care about, have affection for, lust after multiple people. But when I fell in love with MasterDoc it became harder for me to stay romantically involved with Davey. I see this as my own shortcoming, and if there’s any blame to be placed for this breakup it’s with me, definitely. I pulled away from him. I lost interest in sex. And the whole time I felt horrible guilt over this. Davey is a wonderful guy. Truly. He is one of the best. He has always treated me really well and we’ve had so much fun together. I’m hoping we can maintain a friendship because I love spending time with him. We both love travel and dining out and these are things I don’t get to do with MasterDoc often. Davey and I like a lot of the same music.

It took me a long time to work out if this was the right decision, because in so many ways being with Davey is wonderful. But I ultimately felt that if I wasn’t going to have sex with him or I didn’t feel romantic towards him then it was unfair to hang on just for my benefit. Luckily, he has other girlfriends he sees regularly, so I hope that being poly will help soften the blow for him. I can understand this being hard for him, however, as for many years I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. But things change sometimes.

A Week in the Life of Nadia

Published on June 16, 2010 in D/s, DeeDee, Uncategorized, bdsm, bisexuality, bondage, caning, depression, electrosex/tens unit, kink, masochism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, pillow princess, poly, restraints, sex, sex toys, shio, squirting and submissive. 0 Comments

I’m so behind on blogging! I’ve had a very busy week or so and it doesn’t seem to be letting up any time soon. This seems to be a new trend – insane busy-ness. As a result you will get a mish-mosh of things I got up to over the past several days.

MasterDoc recently bought (yes, we sometimes buy sex toys and not just enjoy the ones I get to review) some Zeus electrosex attachments from Extreme Restraints – the nipple “clamps” to target my poor sensitive nipples and the small torpedo plug to torment my ass. The plug didn’t get used although he did use the larger one we’ve had for a while in my vagina. We discovered however, that for me the electrosex isn’t so good for foreplay, but it’s divine once I’m aroused. The large torpedo in my cunt was uncomfortable because it’s so rigid and I wasn’t yet warmed up. The nipple clamps don’t particularly clamp, but they do zap your nipples. But worse than that, he thought to put them on my outer labia. That fucking hurt. Then he tried them on my inner labia. I think he needs to gag me if he ever plans on putting that toy near my cunt again. I screamed. He threatened to put it on my clit but thankfully he showed some mercy.

After all the torment (and yes, as much as I enjoy some pain it was indeed torment) he fucked me from behind. This was my present for being so patient with the electrosex. The fucking was really hot, and not at all painful like the electro gear. I was allowed to use the magic wand, which I love but it’s hard to hold up after a while (especially if you’re busy holding yourself up with your other arm).

I held out as long as I could but I had to beg to be allowed to come. I came and unfortunately my cunt pushed his cock out. But, ever the soul of ingenuity, he used a glass dildo on me for a while and kept me coming. Then he put his cock back in a few times. Alternating between the dildo and his cock was wonderful, but I certainly hope doing Kegels these days will help control the intense squeezing and ejection my cunt likes to do during orgasm. I squirted all over my hand, the bed and the floor. I was exhausted and sweaty after.

Somewhere in the past few days was some really hot sex – that I’ve now forgotten the details of. Yes, I know I’m quite fortunate to have enough fantastic sex that I can afford to forget some of it. I seem to remember prostate massage for MasterDoc. And fucking. Oh and I started sinking into depression on afternoon so MasterDoc caned me. Rather hard. I nearly didn’t make it through all 10 strokes! But my mood sure improved after that.

Another day, I was bound, face down over the hump of the Liberator scoop and made to come.  Yay! Bondage! He held the magic wand to my clit and let me hump it while my legs and wrists were attached to the scoop by cuffs. He left me bound there for a while while he went off to play with DeeDee. I was wiped out, but after a bit I became distracted by Forrest Gump playing on the television. Yes, I held my head up uncomfortably and got into the movie. I rather suspect MasterDoc was doing wonderful nasty things to DeeDee. He came out and released me after a bit, and I rested on the couch as I ended up dizzy and nauseous for a while – I guess having my bodacious boobs smashed against the scoop might have compressed my chest a bit too much.

During another interlude, he made DeeDee come while I got toys together. (And drove myself nearly crazy because I hadn’t been good and put my Lelo Gigi away last time – so I had to search high and low for it while listening to DeeDee come in the next room.) But I got my moment when MasterDoc langorously played with my cunt with his fingers, and he made me come with his hands. After recovering, DeeDee blew him while I kissed him and played with his chest. He asked for a condom and I put one on, then he surprised us a little by asking DeeDee if she wanted to get on for a ride. While she fucked him I played with his inner thighs and really added to the experience for him. It is so much fun to watch them while being participatory. My pillow princess days are over – I get really into making other people feel good.

After a break MasterDoc decided to fuck me too. Whoo hoo! He fucked me from behind on the mat in the living room. DeeDee played with his ass while he fucked me. I was so turned on that I thought I might come without permission but I could tell he was near coming. Despite my intense arousal I wanted him to come from fucking me – it doesn’t happen often – or at least have a chance to. Eventually he realized he wasn’t going to quite get there, so he told me to come. I did, muscles clamping down, squirting a whole lot over my hand holding the Gigi. I was an exhausted and happy camper. He went later to fuck DeeDee in her room while I got ready for bed.

So, uh, just a typical week in the life of Nadia.

Misunderstandings Suck

Published on June 3, 2010 in D/s, Uncategorized, anger, anxiety, depression, derangement, embarrassment, emotions, musings, neurosis, non-monogamy, poly, sex, sybian and threesome. 0 Comments

Even the best relationships have rough patches and misunderstandings. Unfortunately Monday night led to me misunderstanding and getting really upset. Consequently, I spent most of Tuesday upset.

I spent the Monday holiday with MasterDoc, and after we went out to lunch he gave me a sybian ride. I squirted like a sprinkler all over the machine and the floor. Leading up to this, I had laid out nipple clamps, the Hitachi magic wand and my Gigi in the bedroom and gotten started without him. (Hey, I was horny!) He put the clamps on my nipples and led me into the living room where he had set up the sybian. He also grabbed the riding crop to swat my ass while he gave me the ride.

It is delicious how he teases me by varying the speed of the vibration. He tugged on the nipple clamps (one of which didn’t want to stay put) and spanked me with the crop. As I said before, when I came I squirted. I had to clean up the machine and the carpet afterward.

DeeDee was due home that evening, and he made it clear that I would not be the focus of our play that night, and I understood that. DeeDee hadn’t seen him since Friday morning. The three of us hung out watching t.v. for a bit after dinner, and I stumbled upon a Lady Gaga fest on Fuse. When MasterDoc decided it was time to head to the bedroom, I semi-seriously said, “But Gaga is on!” He said that’s fine, I can watch it. Seeing my chance at sex as slipping away, I said, “But this could go on for hours! I don’t have to watch it.” He pointed out that I should enjoy myself and watch for the next half hour or so, until whatever segment was over.

I was a bit inebriated that evening, and I started to wonder if he wanted time alone with DeeDee. In theory there’s nothing wrong with this, but since a threesome had been implied, I felt left out being left in the living room watching Gaga videos (amid many commercials). I somehow in my muddled mind started to think that I was being left out for the whole evening. I debated back and forth – would he really do that? Well as a good sub I should respect that and do my best to enjoy my evening in the living room. But I felt really left out and sad. I felt rejected. I felt like I was being punished for something.

I went to the bathroom at one point and he came to check on me. During our brief conversation I got the impression that he did want me to stay in the living room. But he also said something about coming in. I peeked in the bedroom after I left the loo and they were intensely close and I worried that I’d be barging in. I thought I had misinterpreted him. I went back to the living room.

I lay sadly on the sofa, watching t.v. and clutching the stuffed dog one of his other girlfriends had given him (who I’ve taken a liking to and named Brian after the dog on Family Guy). MasterDoc and DeeDee came out at one point and said they were going to set up the air conditioner in DeeDee’s room. Ok. It’s a good thing because the evening was hot, but I thought to myself (incorrectly), “Well that’s the end of that. No sex for me.”

After the a/c was in, MasterDoc sat on the sofa next to me and reached over to part my legs. He started playing with my cunt and I was confused – was he doing this because I seemed upset at the lack of attention? Was I taking attention away from DeeDee and being a selfish little bitch in a way? Should I enjoy what he was doing and orgasm? The night wasn’t supposed to be about me.  I felt guilty for feeling so upset over being left out. He managed to wrench a hard orgasm out of me despite my terrible mindset. I was feeling bewildered.

Now, reading this you know that I had misunderstood. But at the time I didn’t know this, and I was really ruminating over it all. MasterDoc decided to have me join them, and I thought, “Oh hey, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I’ll be included now.” But then I went back to my original theory when it turned out I was invited in to teach DeeDee the touching technique I’ve learned that turns MasterDoc on. And so my inebriated brain thought, “Great, I’m just coming in to improve their sex life.”

I struggled all night to be a “good” submissive and accept things as they came. For a while I did get into touching MasterDoc and I was able to stop feeling depressed and truly enjoy myself. (It is amazing being able to make your Dom twitch from your touch.) I taught DeeDee some of the technique and MasterDoc was a very happy man having us both massage his inner thighs.

DeeDee headed off again (the reason why escapes me) and MasterDoc asked if I wanted to get fucked. I went for it since it had been nearly a week since I had his cock in me, but with all my neuroses hard at work I wasn’t sure I’d enjoy it. He could see I was distressed in some way, checked in with me, and I was worried that he’d go off to DeeDee’s room right after fucking me, leaving me alone without aftercare. He made it clear that I was supposed to enjoy myself and that I would get cuddles after. So I did let go and come hard when he fucked me, but my brain still was chugging along the wrong track.

He slept with DeeDee that night, which I knew about ahead of time. As I lay in bed trying to sleep (I had work in the morning) I could hear DeeDee coming even through the earplugs I wear to bed. This just fueled my distressed mind. I had a hard time falling asleep and was completely miserable.

I spent the next morning filled with angst. I laid into MasterDoc when I ran into him online during the day. Poor guy didn’t know what I was going on about. By this time my insecurity had been thoroughly tapped into and pain and sadness flowed from me. It was a hellish day at work.

But when I got back to MasterDoc’s that evening, he and I talked. I broke down and got a little hysterical after explaining to him that part of expressing myself to me is letting the emotions show (he always tries to get me to talk calmly, without raising my voice). He’s far more rational and thick-skinned than me, so my reactions put him off. I’m very emotional. I’ve worked for years on becoming more rational, and I’ve improved, but sometimes my emotions take over. I expressed how truly painful the incident on Sunday with my toys on the floor had been for me – I know it’s something he wouldn’t have a second thought about. He’s not bothered by things like that. But for me it triggers something deep.

I cried. I was angry. I was sad. I was unfortunately bitchy. I jabbed with words, which I’m unfortunately good at. The feeling that I really need more sex and need to see more people overwhelmed me. I’m not sure that was really the deep-seated issue at hand, but it’s something that came out. He is open to me playing with others, etc. Now I need to get off my ass and meet other potential partners. After the discussion was over, I was left feeling terrible because I had truly made him hurt. He’s not hyper-expressive like I am, but I could see in his eyes that I really hurt him.

I’ve been feeling bad about it since, although I know that you can’t take back words, but you can try to be different going forward. I’m going to focus more on complimenting him and less on criticizing. Really, in so many ways I’m over the moon with him. He really can make me happy. I should de-emphasize the negative and as Louis Armstrong sang, “Acc-cent-choo-ate the positive.” I plan to be with him for a very long time.

When I get an occasional email on Facebook saying what a lucky man MasterDoc is to have me, I think about these times when I’m overemotional, or depressed, and I think that I’m very much the lucky one.

Review: Sex: How to do Everything

Published on May 31, 2010 in Uncategorized, anal, analingus, bdsm, blow jobs, cunnilingus, fantasy, kink, masturbation, non-monogamy, poly, reviews, sex, sex toys and sexuality. 0 Comments

I received an email a while back asking if I wanted to review [Sex: How to Do Everything] with Em and Lo (Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey). I’ve been familiar with their names since reading their sex column in New York magazine years back. I figured sure, why not review it?

There are ten, roughly 45-minute-long episodes that were filmed for British tv (although their “man on the street” interviews take place in London and New York). It took me ages to sit down and watch them all, but I had some time this weekend to plow through the last 5 episodes. I started the series wondering if it really covered “how to do everything” and you know, it pretty much does. I have only a couple of complaints – first, it’s very heterocentric. While some of the average people they interview are gay or bi, the rest of the show doesn’t acknowledge same sex relationships and experiences. However, lots of the information is general enough that queer couples can learn many things from the series as well if they can overlook all the male/female couplings.

The second thing that bothered me is that in the episode on sex toys they mention phthalates, and that they’re bad for you, but not in what types of materials they’re found. Their “roving reporters” Dougie and Georgie (a M/F couple)  go on to review a variety of toys including jelly ones with no mention of their phthalate content.

But those two caveats aside, I think this is a fabulous series. It’s fairly explicit (in the spirit of being educational rather than titillating) and very educational. It’s clearly intended for adults only, but I think this sort of sex-positive series should be featured in high school sex ed classes. Seriously, if more teens saw this then more people would go on to have healthy, safe, and pleasurable sex lives. The tone is always positive, they put in valuable safety warnings – from safer sex to safe BDSM play – and cover a huge territory. They cover furries! They cover BDSM! They cover auto-fellatio! They feature an interracial couple as their main “demo models.” And Dougie and Georgie are attractive yet average – and Georgie’s enthusiasm for sex is wonderful to see. Dougie is a lucky man.

There’s fun features like “dog toy or sex toy” where people are asked to identify a variety of toys, which can get pretty funny. The tone is informative but not boring at all. It approaches sex with a healthy, positive attitude.

The episodes are:

1 – Oral (including a sculptor who casts vulvas as art, Midori giving a very seductive blow job lesson,

a clinical psychologist talking positively about vulvas)

2 – Manual (including hand jobs, masturbation, great anatomy info section on manual stimulation on women, Carol Queen’s masturbate-a-thon)

3 – Orgasm (including g-spot and female ejaculation)

4- Toys

5 – Intercourse

6- Kink (interview with a Domme, Violet Wands, furries)

7 – Anal (including prostate massage. MasterDoc is glad I watched this section! They warn about desensitizing gels, safer sex precautions (like dental dam for rimming) and to use lots and lots of lube)

8 – Fantasy (dress up, role play, striptease, covers UK law on sex in public, porn, abduction fantasy acted out, dogging (acts done in public for others)

9 – Seduction (tantra, striptease/burlesque)

10 – Best of – a compilation of highlights from the series

Unfortunately, the first dvd  in my set was a little messed up so a few scenes were unwatchable. But I cannot recommend this series enough – particularly for people who are inexperienced sexually. But even for jaded old sex bloggers like me there were many useful things to learn from the shows.

Threesome of Sluts

Published on May 5, 2010 in D/s, DeeDee, Uncategorized, bdsm, bisexuality, blow jobs, happy, horny, kink, masturbation, non-monogamy, orgasm on command, poly, sex, sex toys, shio, slut, squirting, submissive and threesome. 1 Comment

I’m so lucky – I had mind-blowing sex again last night.

This time it was myself, DeeDee and MasterDoc at his place. He got the mat on the living room floor and the three of us got very naughty. I think DeeDee is going through the same sort of thing I keep going through – finding that we want to do something that’s considered “bad” and then agonizing over it a bit because we were raised to be “good” girls. But ultimately we know that it would feel hot to do said “bad” thing so we succumb to our desires… and are happier for it!

The starting details were fuzzy, but I know that I gave MasterDoc a blow job while DeeDee got some toys together. He fucked me first, probably because he knows that if I’ve come I’m thrilled over whatever else happens even if I don’t come again. If I haven’t come, I get anxious that I’m going to be left out. While he was fucking me, he pulled DeeDee in for a kiss. I wasn’t sure exactly what was going on behind my back (this was doggy style) but apparently, DeeDee came when I did while sorta humping/pressing against my leg and making out with MasterDoc. (This is how I have the story, I might be a little off on details.) I didn’t notice said leg humping as I was coming really hard and anyway I really don’t mind an attractive woman humping my leg. I squirted on the mat.

We reversed positions and I grabbed my vibe and pleasured myself while watching MasterDoc fuck DeeDee. It’s pretty damn hot to watch, and I love seeing how much MasterDoc is enjoying himself with two lovely women getting off at once. He is the man. Seriously, how many of you men out there could get two women coming really hard, simultaneously while you’re fucking one but only grabbing hold of the knee of the other one? DeeDee kept asking for more orgasms, and I found myself silently begging for more. I’m less likely to speak up than she is, but I was glad she did as I wanted to keep coming and coming. It felt so good to come we didn’t want to stop. And I can’t speak for her, but hearing her come would make me ready to come all over again.

When MasterDoc decided we had enough, he checked his phone and had to return a phone call. He told us to take care of ourselves while he was in the other room, and DeeDee said, “I’m going to interpret that to the fullest extent,” and started masturbating with the bullet vibe. I chuckled and continued looking for more internet porn. Earlier MasterDoc had teased me in front of DeeDee about how I keep picking out skull-fucking, rough sex videos lately. Actually, what he teased me about was my wanting to have my mouth fucked roughly. And yes, it’s one of those things that I fantasize about but am sort of afraid of. The last porn I chose last night featured an actress acting like she was being forced – and while real force in sex is rape and unconscionable – playing at it has long been a fantasy of mine. I keep hoping MasterDoc will one day tell me that I’m welcome to fight back during a scene – not fight so much as behave like I’m unwilling. I don’t want to actually fight him off. I just want to role play and have him take me roughly.

With DeeDee masturbating and my watching the porn, I gave in and grabbed my vibe and started masturbating myself. While MasterDoc was off in the next room we lay on the mat and came and came. DeeDee and I talked at times and she hoped that she wasn’t leading me astray. However, when MasterDoc returned we told him what we had been up to and he smiled.  I think he loves how horny and slutty the two of us are, despite his teasing us about being sluts.

We took a break for dessert (Haagen Daz chocolate sorbet and fresh strawberries – yum!) and DeeDee was wiped out (no wonder after all those orgasms!) and said she’d like to take a nap until she had to walk the dog she’s watching this week. MasterDoc was a bit sad as it had been nearly a week since he had come, but I was thrilled to help him get there. I snuggled him, and started panting just from the idea of getting him off. We lay close together on the floor mat with porn playing and he stroked his cock while I touched him in all the ways I know he likes. When he came, it shot out and left a good coating on me and the mat. I probably could have come at that moment, I was so turned on, but MasterDoc didn’t think to command me. That wasn’t a problem, however, as I had multiple orgasms during the evening already!

I went to bed last night feeling really content. I’m very happy with my relationship with MasterDoc. I’m very happy with my friendship with DeeDee. And thankfully I’ve been depression-free lately so I’ve been aware of this happiness and able to savor it.

“Do it to Julia!”

Published on March 27, 2010 in D/s, Uncategorized, attraction, bdsm, blow jobs, commitment, cunnilingus, dom, embarrassment, emotions, exhibitionism, happy, horny, humiliation play, kink, libido, masochism, masturbation, musings, non-monogamy, optimism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, poly, sadism, sex, sex parties, shio, slut, spanking, squirting, submissive and trust. 1 Comment

I’ve spent plenty of time the last two months bitching about struggling through PMS. I’m happy to say this month is better, but even though it seems like all is well, I can tell that in a way my mood has gone a bit manic this time. I’m not bipolar, but I think even in regular depression sometimes your mood will swing the other way – just far less often than a person with bipolar might experience. I find myself giddy this month, googly-eyed lovey, eager to do things. I went for an hour long walk today. I never do that! So while the symptoms this month could be described as “positive” I think it’s just another side of the coin from the “negative” symptoms of the past few months. I’m out of balance emotionally like I am every month, it’s just that this month seems more positive.

Last night I had a wonderful night out with MasterDoc. My giddy, lovey mood made me really appreciate how happy I am with him. I really got into our dynamic and realized how fulfilling it is for me. It’s funny, because I constantly struggle with two different desires – there’s a part of me that’s independent and wants to make my own damn decisions but there’s another part of me that wants nothing more than for him to have control. These two parts sometimes conflict. A part of me says that I shouldn’t just let someone else control me like he does, but then I am so turned on and so happy when he does take control.

When we arrived at the swing club, he poured us some water since the bartender wasn’t around. I had said I was thirsty and I couldn’t wait until the water was poured. But, rather than hand it to me, he took a drink first. I wanted to say something as I was so thirsty, but the look he gave me said it all. “I want to make sure you remember your place,” he said to me. I went weak in the knees.

All last night, I found that being his slut was hotter than anything else. I realized that while we do sometimes like swinging with others, there are times like last night where the real kink being satisfied out at the swing club is that I’m his whore, and he gets to show off just what I will do for him. He gets to talk to me like I’m a dirty slut in front of everyone and I don’t object but instead am obviously turned on. I follow his command without hesitation or argument when he tells me to suck his cock, or take my clothes off, or come.

I have moments when I worry that some people are judging me for being such a whore. But then I get so turned on by it that I forget to feel embarrassed. While some might judge me, I think that most people find how I am to be phenomenally hot. The single men at the club are all eager to talk to us in the hopes of joining in. I’m not gorgeous, I’m fat and flabby, but I am a sex goddess there. And I am his. He gets to be the guy who has control over this nymph who wants to fuck and fuck and fuck. (And the reason I want to fuck and fuck and fuck is because I’m so fucking turned on by him.) We’re parts of a whole. It’s a dynamic. I give up control, he takes control and we’re both happy in those states.

Just when I thought I was tired from coming, I’d look into his eyes again and I’d start breathing shallowly and I’d ache for him to touch me and make me come. He can make me come without even touching any of the typical erogenous zones. For me, the hottest part of sex is the mind-fuck, the control. While the stimulation of my pussy is wonderful, the fact that he controls when I come makes the fucking amazingly more intense. I realized last night that being submissive and kinky really are integral parts of my personality. As my Dom, he fulfills me so much that I am willing to struggle with insecurity and jealousy because sharing him with others is still way better than not having him in my life. I think I’m also starting to grow more secure. I’ve been making a concerted effort to focus on the positive and I have started noticing things I’d ignore before in favor of dwelling on the negative. I noticed last night, truly noticed and internalized, how much he enjoys being with me. And I’m starting to see that his wanting to spend time with others doesn’t diminish that. Since I’ve grown so very fond of DeeDee, I can totally see why he wants to spend time with her. And that makes it easier to go busy myself with something else when they want time alone. (She does the same for me.)

Is this a breakthrough or just the hyper-happiness of PMS? I really hope it’s the former.

Unlike most entries I’m not really telling the story of what sex acts we did last night. It just doesn’t seem as interesting to me as capturing what goes on mentally. He made me suck his cock and he choked me on it in front of everyone. He fingered me to orgasm in front of an audience, he made me come by just stroking my legs, butt, hip and breasts. He made me come over and over, uncontrollably. I squirted a huge puddle a couple of times. He fucked me hard and spanked me with the hard wooden paddle. He let some random guy eat me out, and I didn’t so much come from his abilities (which were ok but not great) but I came from knowing I was doing it because I’m MasterDoc’s slut.  He made me come with my pants on just by grabbing my hair and talking dirty to me. I was so afraid I’d squirt in my pants!

I just kept thinking about how I’m really his whore and I will do nearly anything for him. That sort of power strikes me as scary at some moments, but I always come back to the key point that makes it not scary – he would never do anything to truly hurt me. He pushes my limits. He gets me to do things I thought I would never do, but he has never, not once done anything damaging to me. And even on the rare occasions where something didn’t quite work, he is fast to talk things over and make sense of what the issue was so he could avoid it in the future. Sometimes I think that it’s weird for a modern, feminist woman to be so deeply devoted to him, but I am.

The title of this entry came from MasterDoc, who of course got the line from George Orwell’s novel 1984. Near the end of the story, the main character (Winston) is locked up by the totalitarian government. They make him betray his love, Julia, by scaring him to death with something he fears the most (I want to say it was rats but I can’t recall). They make him break down and tell them that he wants them to do this horrible thing to Julia, not him. They make Winston betray her. MasterDoc has a knack for talking about something kinky and difficult and possibly painful, and he is good at making DeeDee and I encourage him to do it to the other, as long as he’s not doing it to us. He thinks this is hot. lol He really does like having power and control, doesn’t he?

Threesome Weekend

Published on January 31, 2010 in D/s, DeeDee, Uncategorized, bisexuality, blow jobs, cunt, exhibitionism, flogging, kink, masochism, masturbation, non-monogamy, orgasm on command, poly, porn, sex, sex parties, sex toys, shio, slut, spanking, squirting, swinging and threesome. 2 Comments

I think I’ve turned a new corner with polyamory. DeeDee is visiting MasterDoc and I spent some time with both of them this weekend, and I finally realize that being poly can include having a fabulous time with both your partner and one of their other partners. I’ve always been fond of DeeDee, but I was a bit possessive of time with MasterDoc. But this weekend, the three of us went to a club Friday night and hung out at MasterDoc’s on Saturday and I wouldn’t have changed it for the world.

We were supposed to go to a kink party that all of us were looking forward to, but the party host had to change the date in his struggle to find a good venue for the party. MasterDoc was having a bad day but I managed to convince him that we should go out anyway.  He started the evening grumpy but in short order he was in a better mood. How could he not be with two lovely ladies eager to go out and fuck in public with him? He took us out to dinner at a pub near the swing club.I have a great time laughing with them both and it’s wonderful to hang out with people who you can be yourself with. I can be a kinky slut and it’s not considered a bad thing, not at all.

At the club, MasterDoc started the night with paddling me. I seem to be enjoying harder spankings these days. The only down side? A guy who was too aggressive and space invading. He’s an older man (in his 60′s or so) and he and his wife are often at the club. Now, if he were charming and kind I might just be persuaded to be interested in him despite the age difference. However, he is pushy. And when I climbed on the spanking bench he moved over to be right by where my head would be. Back the fuck off! I gave him such a nasty look. He moved after that. He kept making comments, and sitting too close, and humming incessantly to draw attention to himself. MasterDoc told him to leave at one point and the man didn’t. MasterDoc had to talk to him again when he was trying to talk to me while DeeDee got spanked. Had the guy touched me, he would have gotten a right telling off – even with my collar on. Fucker couldn’t take the hint that I was totally, and obviously, not interested.
But back to the spanking…. When I could block out the idiot, I enjoyed the hard long spanking MasterDoc gave me. He had DeeDee hold the vibe to my clit and I enjoyed the combination of spanking and vibe. (Although we need to give DeeDee a little more instruction on exactly where to put the vibe.)

After my spanking came DeeDee’s spanking. MasterDoc had her suck his cock while she lay over the spanking bench. I settled down on the bed and placed pillows between myself and the pushy guy sitting on the other end. I did my best to ignore him. I played with myself with a vibe while watching the spanking. MasterDoc told me to use a vibe on DeeDee, and I got up and placed my bullet vibe on her clit on high. When I tease women I tend to be a bit relentless rather than teasing. I place the vibe right on her clit so that the vibrations quickly take her to the edge of orgasm. She had to hold back until she got permission from MasterDoc and I was grinning ear to ear while I drove her crazy. She came and the crowd in the room got quite a show. Her cunt was quite wet and consequently so was my hand.

We packed up, and MasterDoc was delighted to find that the big bed in the next room was now available. DeeDee goes to get water for us all while I suck MasterDoc’s cock. I like having an audience while I do this, I hope that the men in the room are imagining that I’m blowing them. DeeDee takes a turn and I unbutton MasterDoc’s shirt so I can stroke his chest. I think to nibble on his neck a bit and he clearly enjoys getting his cock sucked while I do this. The men around us had to be green with envy. This guy (MasterDoc) has two attractive women tending to his every need and making him feel amazing.

Next he toys with both of us. He sucks on my nipples while DeeDee massages his ass from behind. It’s all so decadent and hot. He gets us using toys on our clits. DeeDee gets revved up quickly. I take a bit longer since the pushy guy is humming loudly and ruining my concentration. MasterDoc bends down and licks my clit for a moment, and I can focus better on my pleasure after that. From his perch kneeling at the end of the bed between us, he verbally teases us, asking if we’re ready to come. This teasing usually serves to make me hotter, faster. He looks us straight in the eye in turn. He tells us to come at the same time. I can only imagine how cool it must have been to watch us come simultaneously. I squirted quite a bit. MasterDoc reached over and fingered me to make me come more, and louder. He then did the same for DeeDee. It was pretty impressive.

We cuddled after. I lay in my little puddle of come. We thanked MasterDoc simultaneously for the orgasms.

I was hoping to get fucked, but we ended up hanging out mostly after this. We ran into some people we know, and I got to talking with the slutty bartender, the one who gave quite a show squirting last time we were there. Apparently, she was hitting on me. MasterDoc pointed out after that she was actually playing with her pussy while talking to me and clearly wanted me to touch her. Doh. I was, as usual, completely oblivious. It’s really a low-self-esteem problem: I don’t think someone who has what is a culturally accepted body (i.e., slim and toned) would be attracted to me. Yes, I realize I need to work on that. No wonder I end up fucking so few women.

We called it a night early, but the next day there was much fooling around at MasterDoc’s. He put porn on his new large screen tv and we marveled at how up close and personal it seemed when played on that tv. The porn was exceptionally hot for vanilla porn – the women seemed to really be enjoying themselves. Watching people fucking who are into it is way hotter than watching someone who’s just doing it for the money and waiting for it all to be over.

The porn got us all worked up and MasterDoc fucked me from behind for a while. It felt amazing but my damn knees gave out. Eventually the pain in my knees blocked out my ability to enjoy the fuck and I had to ask to stop. I didn’t come then. We all lay on the mat on the floor and DeeDee and I massaged MasterDoc. Usually, he makes the point that we’re lucky to have him, but yesterday he actually came out with, “I am a very lucky man.” It felt wonderful to hear him acknowledge that. I think we’re all lucky.

Hunger won out over horniness and so we ordered lunch. Things shifted away from sex and we ended up watching Fiddler on the Roof on tv. After the movie, I started to pack up my things to go home since Saturday night was a night for DeeDee and MasterDoc to be alone. As I started to get dressed, MasterDoc said he had planned to give me a sybian ride before I went home. Well now, that was certainly enough to get me to take my clothes off again.

I rode the sybian while MasterDoc worked the controls and I leaned forward onto him. DeeDee got some practice in with the little flogger while I rode. At first, she missed me and hit the machine but after some coaching from MasterDoc she gave me a nice flogging. When I came, she pressed up against me and my clit came in even better contact with the vibrating sybian. I had such an amazing, extended orgasm from the two of them working me over. I had to collapse on the floor after.

When I had recovered, I got dressed and headed out. As I walked into the cold evening, I playfully exaggerated in my head the notion that I’ve been turned out into the cold, cold night, all alone. Oh poor me! And I laughed to myself, because even though we’re conditioned to think that’s the way it is, I really didn’t feel like that. Sure I had wanted to stay where it was friendly and warm, but I also want to make MasterDoc happy, and giving him space to hang out with other women makes him happy. Also, I was looking forward to an evening alone. The only negative to the evening was the possible domestic violence scene I could hear playing out from the floor below me now and then. I felt really unsafe while that was going on, and bewildered, and not sure what to do. (Do you call the police on your landlord, the man who could then throw you out? Particularly when you’re alone for the night and he’s a gruff bully?)

But when it was quiet, I had a lovely time by myself. I watched Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, a long time favorite movie, and was just tickled at how cool Jane Russell is.

Polyamory and Communication

Published on December 8, 2009 in DeeDee, Uncategorized, anxiety, dating, depression, emotions, happy and poly. 2 Comments

This post is long, and it’s not sexually oriented. But if you’re poly or interested in poly you may find the thoughts interesting.

When people talk about how important communication is to polyamorous relationships, I think most of us don’t quite realize what that entails. However, NOT communicating is the fastest way to ruin things. I have a hard time opening up, and that’s made things with MasterDoc sometimes more of a struggle than they should be. I’m thankful he’s patient with me and that he’s good at pulling things out of me. I don’t know that I realized when I started out as poly that the communication would have to extend sometimes to your partner’s other significant others.

Since MasterDoc started seeing DeeDee things have been a bit bumpy. It’s not a black and white thing, it’s not that she’s a problem. After all I like DeeDee a great deal and like spending time with her. I will chat with her online independent of MasterDoc. She has always been entirely respectful of the existing relationship between me and MasterDoc. But it does seem that when she’s around, I tend to get depressed and bothered about things. It’s not her fault, and the tough thing has been making sure that I let her know that.

We all have our insecurities and personally I have a closet full of them. An only child until I was nearly 11, as soon as my brother appeared on the scene he was a very ill little baby and so I was completely pushed to the side. Thus started lifelong issues with abandonment – or fear of abandonment. At 11 I was emotionally left to take care of myself, and as a shy kid already tending towards depression issues, this was too much for me. I also have issues over being possessive sometimes. Several months after my brother was born, he got moved into my bedroom and I shared a bedroom with my mother for the two years I was in junior high. If you’re thinking that’s one of the WORST times in a young woman’s life to have no privacy and share a room with her mother, you’re right. My brother not only took over everyone’s attention, he also took over my physical space.

These issues, and the wounded 11-year-old inside me, come out when I fear that I’m being replaced. It’s not been a rational fear, but then many of my fears aren’t rational. At times lately I’ve panicked, worried that DeeDee was more interesting, newer, kinkier, more fun to be with. I’ve gotten very depressed thinking that I’m going to be abandoned. I’ve had intense fears of being replaced. I’ve had fears that somehow my relationship with MasterDoc is not special because he’s spending time with someone new.

MasterDoc has reassured me multiple times that this is not the case. And it is totally clear that DeeDee is not trying to set up such a situation. But when she’s around I still find these insecurities being triggered.

Communication

Opening up the lines of communication, even just a bit, can work wonders. Last night after I got all depressed and needed attention from MasterDoc, DeeDee started feeling vulnerable. Luckily, she’s better at voicing her concerns than I am, and the three of us had a talk where she voiced her anxieties: she’s the newest and therefore would be the first one ditched if there was trouble, I’m a younger woman – and I can speak from experience that younger women always seem threatening to older women. I’ve seen this just in my own insecurities early on concerning MasterDoc’s 21-year-old submissive. She’s young, and in our society we’re told that of course she’s more desirable. So even though I’m younger than DeeDee I too have felt the anxiety over not being the younger woman. The conversation became funny when I voiced that my issues were kinda the opposite. I figured that since I’ve been around a while I’m old hat and boring and she’s new and interesting. I worried about being replaced. We both had to laugh because neither of us thought the other had a rational fear going on. And it’s kinda silly that we’ve both had the same fears. And they originate within us and our psyches, because MasterDoc has certainly not indicated to anyone that he’s even remotely thinking about ditching anyone. Quite the opposite.

This morning we got to talk more and I’m confident that the three of us can make things work. We all like each other, and we all want things to work. I’m going to work on voicing my emotions calmly and early on (before they reach a rolling boil inside my head). I’ve got deep seated issues to work out, but I want to work them out. And I’m not someone who thinks that struggling and feeling uncomfortable are necessarily bad things. They’re part of life. And through struggle I will grow. I want to have MasterDoc and DeeDee in my life and happy. And I want myself to be happy. It will take a lot of communication and figuring things out but when something’s valuable you work for it.

Mid-30′s Crisis

Published on November 17, 2009 in Uncategorized, anxiety, crazy, depression, derangement, embarrassment, emotions, happy, impulses, mental illness, monogamy, musings, neurosis, non-monogamy, poly, stress and venting. 3 Comments

I had a meltdown today. It was a combination of factors. I turn 37 tomorrow. Like other women my age who have not had children I’m starting to get scared about the fact that every passing year my ability to have a child lessens. I’m not even sure I want a child. I get these little fantasies about having a little girl (yup, typical!) and teaching her things, taking her to her first day of school. But when I give it more considered thought I realize that I would have to drastically change my lifestyle. Obviously whoever I had the baby with would be the person I spent the most time with as we would be raising a child together. What would happen with my other relationships? It would be much harder to get away to spend time with MasterDoc, or go to a swing party, or get a good beating. Up until a couple of years ago, I was dead set on NOT having a child. And I figured if I changed my mind late in life I could adopt – because ultimately I don’t have the feeling that I have to give birth to a child to love it. I realized that I didn’t want to sacrifice my life enough to do so, and that knowing that and living childless would be the smartest option for myself and any child I could potentially have. If I’m going to parent I want to be committed to it 100%. But the question is, do I want to commit to it 100%? Or even 60%?
So I’m going through this “baby” crisis I’m sure other women my age have gone through. I worry – will I get to old age and feel like I missed out on an important life experience? Who will take care of me when I’m old? But on the other hand I’ve long had worries that I’d be like my mother and have a rough relationship with the child and I really am NOT close to my mother. Having a child doesn’t guarantee having someone around to take care of you when you’re old. I think this has also hit now because over the past three years or so suddenly my friends went from being all unmarried and without children (with rare exceptions) to some of them being married, having kids, settling down. Or being a bit older and having done the family thing and now moved on to enjoying the time they have now that their kids are grown.
There’s also the fact that I could see myself co-parenting with MasterDoc, but as he’s in his mid 50′s he’s not interested in starting over again. He has a kid in college. He has a lifestyle he’s presently happy with. While there have been men in their 50s (or even older) who have fathered children, it’s understandable that most people in their 50s (and up) don’t want to start all over again. And while Davey adores me and would do the family thing if I really wanted one, he doesn’t really want it himself and I think that we have enough similar weaknesses that perhaps he’s not the best one to parent with. And again, do I actually want to do that anyway? Is the desire to have a child based on reality or based on hormones or a sense that time is closing its window for me?
So today I was in crisis. I’ve also been realizing that probably I won’t be as important as I’d like to be to MasterDoc (and that I’ve been terrible in taking Davey for granted). I wondered if I should break up with MasterDoc and go find another Dom who wants more closely what I do. We spent a very teary afternoon talking, and I made him feel terrible. AND I made myself feel terrible. I don’t really want to leave him. I have a wonderful time with him. My life is enhanced having him in it. So it’s not perfect, but you know, it’s really asking a hell of a lot for a relationship to be perfect. I have two wonderful, imperfect relationships with two good men who love me. Maybe I need to spend a little more time appreciating how happy I am much of the time.
I think part of the problem is that I suffer from depression – and so if I feel at all sad or dissatisfied I go off the deep end. I pull away. I bottle things up. I think in black and white. Negative thoughts spiral out of control in my head. And then like a volcano eventually I explode. It’s perfectly reasonable that I’m sad that things with MasterDoc will probably never be the intensity I’d like. But it’s not reasonable that I think it means I have to pull the plug on something that makes us happy.

I’m worn out this evening from the tears. I really do a bang up job of making myself unhappy. I was so utterly and completely miserable. I can’t believe that earlier today I was considering walking out of MasterDoc’s place and going home for good. A better indication of how this was depression rather than what I truly wanted is that I couldn’t picture doing anything other than committing suicide if I walked out of there. I pictured going home and putting my head in the oven. (Goes back to the old affinity I had for Sylvia Plath as a depressed teenager.) I felt horrible. I felt horribly unhappy. I only focused on the imperfect things and forgot the wonderful (perfect even!) facets of my relationship with him. I got extremely morbid and started figuring out that I have enough money in my bank accounts to finish off any outstanding medical bills and cover a funeral for me. I saw no future other than a dark tunnel and death.

I need to spend more time thinking about this baby issue, but thinking about how my life would change if I did it, rather than the idealized fantasy. Life is not one big idealized fantasy. I espouse polyamory virtues right and left but then I find myself thinking that I need to have one relationship meet all my needs. I have more than one relationship of value in my life. I need to start focusing on that. I think I need to deprogram society’s monogamous ideal from my head even more. I can’t see myself not being with Davey or MasterDoc. Why on earth do I feel that I need to focus on one relationship? When I was monogamous, I was never quite happy that I couldn’t explore things with other people.

The sad part is that I may be making up things to be unhappy about. I may be dwelling on things I don’t even want in reality.