Archive for the 'optimism' Category

Victory!

Published on July 26, 2011 in diet, emotions, happy, musings, optimism and Uncategorized. 2 Comments

Considering I haven’t had sex in days, this will be another non-sexual post. But I felt so triumphant earlier that I just have to share.

When I stepped on the Wii balance board tonight to weigh myself, I got to hear the little cartoony voice say, “That’s normal!” for the first time. Now, it’s referring to BMI which I realize is a terribly imperfect measure for individual weight loss. But the fact that I started off in the obese range about a year and a half ago, this feels like such a triumph. I went from a BMI of over 30, to one that’s 24.95. Just barely in the “normal” range, but this is the first time in my adult life I’ve been anywhere near there.

If you had asked me at the outset of this weight loss/lifestyle change if I would reach “normal” and be able to fit into some size 12 items of clothing, and weigh less than 170 lbs. I would have thought it was a lovely dream, but one I would never reach. I’ve reached it. (I’m taller than average, by the way. And I started this journey at a peak weight of 227 lbs.) Holy moly. Now I’m focusing on maintaining my eating habits and keeping up with exercise. I’ll probably lose a little more weight but that’s not my focus now. I’ve actually lost only about 5 lbs. this year, but the exercise is changing how my body looks.

After the weigh in, I switched discs to EA Sports Active, because I’ve been pushing myself with those workouts lately. The change in what I’m capable of doing is amazing. When I first tried it about two years ago, doing one squat was difficult. Now, I’ve set my squats to “hard” (which means it makes me do more of them. Twenty, I think.). My ass hurts, but I suppose it’s the hurt of a future non-flabby ass. I couldn’t do the lunges before without leaning on something for support. Now I can do it just like the animated figure on the screen. I can do the easy runs now, and hopefully I’ll work my way up to the longer ones. My asthmatic lungs need the workout.

Unfortunately this joy is always tempered by the perpetual body issues most women have in this culture of ours. I’m no different. I’m thrilled to be wearing smaller clothes, weighing less, getting compliments on my weight loss, feeling healthier. But I’m also angsty over my now flat and saggy breasts. (They were just saggy before. Hey, at DD cup you can’t help that. Now I’m a D in some bras, still DD in a few.) I hate the extra skin that I’m told could take up to 2 years to tighten up to match my new, thinner body. I love how my arms have started developing some visible muscle, but I still hate the under arm flab – even if it is much smaller than before.

I wish that as a feminist I truly didn’t care about looks. But I still do to a certain extent. Strangely enough I felt more comfortable being naked at a swing club when I was heavier. I suppose that’s because I had come to accept my body. I also think the loose skin is more unattractive than being fat. I remind myself that will change. Be patient. I didn’t lose all that weight at once, and my skin (largest organ of the human body!) will take some time to adjust to such a dramatic change.

But I will savor that moment when the Wii fit told me I was “normal” and I shouted to MasterDoc to come look. I’ve been hovering on that threshold for a while now, and it was awesome to go over it.

A Message from the Management

Published on January 3, 2011 in blog, kink, musings, optimism, sexuality and Uncategorized. 4 Comments

As a new year begins, I wanted to take a moment to thank you, my readers. I’ve gotten such wonderful feedback and support through writing this blog.

As you probably know, this is just a hobby of mine. But I do make a little money from affiliate sales and my first ever advertiser. I hope you’ll visit the companies listed in my sidebar (the banners and text ad). If you’re planning to shop at any of those sites, please use my link to get there so I get a modest commission. I recently added Kink.com, with a banner for TheUpperFloor.com – a favorite bdsm porn site I follow. If you try it out, again, please go through my link.

When I had my first sex blog in 2004-2005, I had never heard of an amateur sex blogger getting paid or getting to review toys for their efforts. It was purely a labor of love. It took me a while to take on affiliate programs, toy review and finally advertising. I realized that while this is a hobby and a labor of love, there’s nothing wrong with earning a little extra through my hard work. And maintaining an active blog is work.

If you’ve used my affiliate links before, thank you very much. The sum I get through affiliate sales is, as I said, modest, but it’s nice to cover the costs of my hosting and perhaps get a little spending money too.

January 27th is my fourth blogiversary (for this blog). I hope I can continue to tantalize and titillate with my stories, while remaining a “real” person throughout. If anyone should care to send a gift, I have wish lists in the sidebar (by the links). But as we’re in a recession and so many people are out of work, I’d be thrilled if you just left a comment with a gift you’d like to give – intangible things included – to me, the blog, my readers.

Love,

Nadia

NY Sex Blogger Calendar Party #3

Published on October 2, 2010 in blogs, musings, optimism, sex, sexuality and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

I had a wonderful time at the sex blogger calendar party! Each year it gets better and better as Tess and Diva work on refining the experience. I hope they raised a load of money for the Woodhull Freedom Foundation – I bought raffle tix and a calendar to lend my support (and two dates on the calendar – my blogiversary in January and MasterDoc’s birthday). Sadly, we need groups such as Woodhull who will support our rights to be sexual in whatever (consensual, sane) way we see fit to practice it. We still live in a world where a teacher can be put through hell because she’s open about her previous work as a sex worker. While I can see the objections that what she did was illegal (although I don’t think it should be illegal), I do not think that sex work in and of itself makes anyone a bad person or role model. Her reputation as a teacher should stand on how she has performed in the classroom.

Woodhull Freedom Foundation (named after 19th century feminist and first female presidential candidate in the United States, Victoria Claflin Woodhull – look her up) has this as its mission and vision:

Mission: To affirm sexual freedom as a fundamental human right

Vision: Woodhull envisions a world that recognizes sexual freedom as the fundamental human right of all individuals to develop and express their unique sexuality; to be personally autonomous with regard to bodily integrity and expression; and to enjoy sexual dignity, privacy and consensual sexual expression without societal or governmental interference, coercion or stigmatization.

I got to meet a ton of bloggers last night – some I met at previous parties, some I met for the first time. It seems like more and more of the people I follow (on twitter and/or blog) show their faces, so I was able to go up to people who looked familiar and introduce myself. (I’d be too shy if I didn’t have a good idea it was someone I already interact with.) I listed the most comprehensive list I could on twitter if you’re curious to see who I got to hang out with.

On a totally self-absorbed note, I feel like last night was my time to “try on” my new, thinner body. (I have no illusions that I’m thin as of yet. I’m still chubby. But I’m now merely “overweight” whereas at the start of this year (and for many years past) I qualified as “obese.”) I wore a form-fitting sheath dress (only $30 at Target! Whoo!) and received many compliments. When I met JD Bauchery of Hot Movies for Her, she said that the Porn Librarian had told her that she met me (I introduced myself earlier after seeing her “I heart girl porn” shirt) and that I was hot. Then JD said that she agreed. Rowr! It felt good to be called hot by two women who see a LOT of hotness as part of their jobs. Miss Darling also tweeted some very kind comments as well. I’m sure part of the improved reactions from people is not just fewer pounds on my body, but also a new-found confidence. Not only do I feel more attractive and more confident (not that I had any trouble attracting people before) but my knees rarely hurt and I can, for the first time since before college (!), wear skirts or dresses and not deal with the dreaded “chub rub.” When you’re overweight, your inner thighs tend to rub together to the point where they chafe. This chafing is pretty damn painful, so for many years I wore bicycle shorts under my skirts (not exactly sexy) or more recently I heard about using A&D Ointment to lubricate your thighs so they don’t chafe. But wow, this week I realized I no longer need to do either of those things. I’m doing a little happy dance here. I’m proud of myself as I’ve been fat a long time and felt like I could never succeed at losing weight. Somehow having MasterDoc and DeeDee working on it at the same time (as well as having a smart phone with a calorie counter app to make things concrete for me) I have succeeded. I’ve been working very hard at improving my eating habits and making it a permanent change. I saw N (queer Burlesque Queen Extraordinaire) for the first time in months and she said she barely recognized me as I had lost so much weight. I’ve mostly seen the same people for the past several months, and the weight loss was too gradual for people who see me weekly to notice it much. I feel pretty damn wonderful that I’ve succeeded this far. I hope to continue getting healthier and slimmer. No worries though, I have no desire to starve myself or be very thin – my body is designed to be curvy. But I can be in better shape and that I’m working on.

Blondie met us there and it was wonderful to hang out with her. She, MasterDoc and I went to the dumpling place down the block and had some food and good chat. The whole evening was chaotic (and crowded rooms are not my thing!) but all in all I had a great time and saw so many people. Hopefully I didn’t leave anyone out of my tweets but if I have it is totally unintentional. I was thrilled to meet so many nice perverts yet again!

“Do it to Julia!”

Published on March 27, 2010 in attraction, bdsm, blow jobs, commitment, cunnilingus, D/s, dom, embarrassment, emotions, exhibitionism, happy, horny, humiliation play, kink, libido, masochism, masturbation, musings, non-monogamy, optimism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, poly, sadism, sex, sex parties, shio, slut, spanking, squirting, submissive, trust and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

I’ve spent plenty of time the last two months bitching about struggling through PMS. I’m happy to say this month is better, but even though it seems like all is well, I can tell that in a way my mood has gone a bit manic this time. I’m not bipolar, but I think even in regular depression sometimes your mood will swing the other way – just far less often than a person with bipolar might experience. I find myself giddy this month, googly-eyed lovey, eager to do things. I went for an hour long walk today. I never do that! So while the symptoms this month could be described as “positive” I think it’s just another side of the coin from the “negative” symptoms of the past few months. I’m out of balance emotionally like I am every month, it’s just that this month seems more positive.

Last night I had a wonderful night out with MasterDoc. My giddy, lovey mood made me really appreciate how happy I am with him. I really got into our dynamic and realized how fulfilling it is for me. It’s funny, because I constantly struggle with two different desires – there’s a part of me that’s independent and wants to make my own damn decisions but there’s another part of me that wants nothing more than for him to have control. These two parts sometimes conflict. A part of me says that I shouldn’t just let someone else control me like he does, but then I am so turned on and so happy when he does take control.

When we arrived at the swing club, he poured us some water since the bartender wasn’t around. I had said I was thirsty and I couldn’t wait until the water was poured. But, rather than hand it to me, he took a drink first. I wanted to say something as I was so thirsty, but the look he gave me said it all. “I want to make sure you remember your place,” he said to me. I went weak in the knees.

All last night, I found that being his slut was hotter than anything else. I realized that while we do sometimes like swinging with others, there are times like last night where the real kink being satisfied out at the swing club is that I’m his whore, and he gets to show off just what I will do for him. He gets to talk to me like I’m a dirty slut in front of everyone and I don’t object but instead am obviously turned on. I follow his command without hesitation or argument when he tells me to suck his cock, or take my clothes off, or come.

I have moments when I worry that some people are judging me for being such a whore. But then I get so turned on by it that I forget to feel embarrassed. While some might judge me, I think that most people find how I am to be phenomenally hot. The single men at the club are all eager to talk to us in the hopes of joining in. I’m not gorgeous, I’m fat and flabby, but I am a sex goddess there. And I am his. He gets to be the guy who has control over this nymph who wants to fuck and fuck and fuck. (And the reason I want to fuck and fuck and fuck is because I’m so fucking turned on by him.) We’re parts of a whole. It’s a dynamic. I give up control, he takes control and we’re both happy in those states.

Just when I thought I was tired from coming, I’d look into his eyes again and I’d start breathing shallowly and I’d ache for him to touch me and make me come. He can make me come without even touching any of the typical erogenous zones. For me, the hottest part of sex is the mind-fuck, the control. While the stimulation of my pussy is wonderful, the fact that he controls when I come makes the fucking amazingly more intense. I realized last night that being submissive and kinky really are integral parts of my personality. As my Dom, he fulfills me so much that I am willing to struggle with insecurity and jealousy because sharing him with others is still way better than not having him in my life. I think I’m also starting to grow more secure. I’ve been making a concerted effort to focus on the positive and I have started noticing things I’d ignore before in favor of dwelling on the negative. I noticed last night, truly noticed and internalized, how much he enjoys being with me. And I’m starting to see that his wanting to spend time with others doesn’t diminish that. Since I’ve grown so very fond of DeeDee, I can totally see why he wants to spend time with her. And that makes it easier to go busy myself with something else when they want time alone. (She does the same for me.)

Is this a breakthrough or just the hyper-happiness of PMS? I really hope it’s the former.

Unlike most entries I’m not really telling the story of what sex acts we did last night. It just doesn’t seem as interesting to me as capturing what goes on mentally. He made me suck his cock and he choked me on it in front of everyone. He fingered me to orgasm in front of an audience, he made me come by just stroking my legs, butt, hip and breasts. He made me come over and over, uncontrollably. I squirted a huge puddle a couple of times. He fucked me hard and spanked me with the hard wooden paddle. He let some random guy eat me out, and I didn’t so much come from his abilities (which were ok but not great) but I came from knowing I was doing it because I’m MasterDoc’s slut. He made me come with my pants on just by grabbing my hair and talking dirty to me. I was so afraid I’d squirt in my pants!

I just kept thinking about how I’m really his whore and I will do nearly anything for him. That sort of power strikes me as scary at some moments, but I always come back to the key point that makes it not scary – he would never do anything to truly hurt me. He pushes my limits. He gets me to do things I thought I would never do, but he has never, not once done anything damaging to me. And even on the rare occasions where something didn’t quite work, he is fast to talk things over and make sense of what the issue was so he could avoid it in the future. Sometimes I think that it’s weird for a modern, feminist woman to be so deeply devoted to him, but I am.

The title of this entry came from MasterDoc, who of course got the line from George Orwell’s novel 1984. Near the end of the story, the main character (Winston) is locked up by the totalitarian government. They make him betray his love, Julia, by scaring him to death with something he fears the most (I want to say it was rats but I can’t recall). They make him break down and tell them that he wants them to do this horrible thing to Julia, not him. They make Winston betray her. MasterDoc has a knack for talking about something kinky and difficult and possibly painful, and he is good at making DeeDee and I encourage him to do it to the other, as long as he’s not doing it to us. He thinks this is hot. lol He really does like having power and control, doesn’t he?

Reflections on the Week

Published on September 5, 2009 in anxiety, assault, bdsm, caning, D/s, fantasy, libido, musings, optimism, random thoughts, recovery and sexuality. 2 Comments

I’ve had a busy week, alas I don’t have a lot of stories to share but MasterDoc and I had good sex and a caning on Wednesday night. (Again I had to reflect on how some pain pushes me harder into orgasm, but some pain, this time his fingernails digging into my ass, can push me away from orgasm.) Since I won’t be seeing him too often this month it was kinda like a little sending off I suppose. Still, I’m sure it will turn out that I will see him a good amount – after all I should still see him one or two nights a week – not bad! Yesterday he took me to get a gastroscopy done. I was nervous, as I tend to be with any procedure, but I have to say that propofol is the shit. Yes, that’s the drug Michael Jackson took that ultimately led to his demise, but he combined it with a bunch other stuff. I went into this procedure with an entirely empty stomach and no medications since the evening before. Propofol knocked me out nearly instantaneously. (I watched the anesthesiologist inject it into the line in my arm and then all went hazy seconds later.) I felt like I was still just falling asleep as I became aware of MasterDoc standing next to me – and the mouth guard, IV line, blood pressure cuff and oxygen tubing that had just been on me seemingly a second ago, were gone. I have absolutely no recollection of the procedure. Nice! (No wonder they call propofol “milk of amnesia.”) I go back to the gastroenterologist in a couple of weeks to hear about the bits that were taken from my esophagus for further testing. But overall the whole thing went well.

I’ve kept mostly private about issues I’ve had with Davey, and I don’t want to go into details here (sorry, some things I do keep to myself) but we had a breakthrough in our sexual issues on Tuesday night. (No small thanks due to MasterDoc.) I’m feeling better about things than I have in months (the only real issues we’ve had have all been sexual or related to the sexual issues) and hopefully things will get better now. I may write in more detail at a later date, but for now I’d like to keep quiet about it.

With MasterDoc gone, I hope to explore here some fantasies of mine – and share them with you of course. Ever since Floating World my mind has been filled with dirty, kinky fantasies and I need to get them out of me. I think I might somewhat be in subfrenzy, lusting after all sort of kinkiness – desperate to make all my fantasies come true. This month would be a good time to calm down and reflect. Luckily, I’m already with MasterDoc, and he wouldn’t let me go overboard in exploring my fantasies.

Soon, I will write and post a review on Staci Haines’ Healing Sex, a book which I’m finding very enlightening. It’s taking me into my sexuality in a new way, and despite the focus being healing from sexual trauma, I find myself looking at other issues I’ve had since before being raped at age 25 and sexually assaulted at 32 – issues with speaking up about what I want, not saying no when I’d really like to, and other things. It should produce a thoughtful post in the near future. I also have another dyke porn dvd to review – rowr. How I’ve held off watching it this long is beyond me.

So stay tuned, more of the dirty, sexual talk you’ve come to love and expect from me will ensue. For now, enjoy your Labor Day weekend and make some stories of your own!

Calm, Serene

Published on July 19, 2009 in anxiety, assault, emotions, optimism, recovery and trauma. 0 Comments

I’m feeling much, much better today. After my post yesterday I talked to MasterDoc. It wasn’t easy for me to open up, but I am so very glad I did. I cried, he held me and listened. He promised me that he would never let anything like that happen to me again. And I know that having his protection has made a huge difference in my being able to swing again. Even when I get to go to a party without my collar, and choose my own partners, it really helps to have MasterDoc there because I know he watches out for me. (And it’s sad to say, but he does a better job looking out for me than I do.)

I am still bewildered to get an apology from someone who was there that night. I never expected such a thing to happen. I suffered so much pain the past four years thinking that no one from that night would ever say to me, “What happened to you was wrong,” that they would never express support. If there are others out there who feel the same way, I hope that they come across me again and don’t hesitate to tell me. It does make a difference knowing that that vile dickhead who assaulted me is not supported by everyone. (These days it looks like he’s supported by fewer and fewer people all the time. Huzzah.)

I like the word survivor for someone who’s come through sexual assault/abuse/rape. It is how I see myself, I am not a victim, I am someone who survived something I never should have gone through. But I am a happy, smart, sexy woman with a lot to bring to this world. While I get the feeling of being alone, in reality I am supported by such a huge circle of people. I am lucky. I will prevail.

Small World

Published on May 24, 2007 in assault and optimism. 0 Comments

Yet again I’ve had the experience of someone I’m dating somehow knowing someone who knows the guy who assaulted me. I have to just accept that the local slut world is small enough that I’m going to stumble upon this guy’s name – if not run into him in person – now and then. I have to have a plan as to how I’m going to react when I run into this guy. (I want to punch him in the face, in an attempt to break his nose, but who knows if I’ll do that. I’ve never punched anyone in my life.)

The good side is that news of the assault is out to two guys I’m dating right now and both have been very supportive. I feel it’s like a litmus test to see how a guy reacts to the news of what happened to me.

This morning, I woke up determined to be happy and do good things. I can’t undo the bad that’s been done to me, but I can put some good energy out into the world to counteract that. I was sure to exercise, which makes me feel stronger physically and emotionally and I threw myself into my story time today at work. I am a good person. I can do good in the world. And to hell with the bad people out there – I’m gonna have a good life because I can.