Archive for the 'monogamy' Category

Mid-30′s Crisis

Published on November 17, 2009 in anxiety, crazy, depression, derangement, embarrassment, emotions, happy, impulses, mental illness, monogamy, musings, neurosis, non-monogamy, poly, stress, Uncategorized and venting. 3 Comments

I had a meltdown today. It was a combination of factors. I turn 37 tomorrow. Like other women my age who have not had children I’m starting to get scared about the fact that every passing year my ability to have a child lessens. I’m not even sure I want a child. I get these little fantasies about having a little girl (yup, typical!) and teaching her things, taking her to her first day of school. But when I give it more considered thought I realize that I would have to drastically change my lifestyle. Obviously whoever I had the baby with would be the person I spent the most time with as we would be raising a child together. What would happen with my other relationships? It would be much harder to get away to spend time with MasterDoc, or go to a swing party, or get a good beating. Up until a couple of years ago, I was dead set on NOT having a child. And I figured if I changed my mind late in life I could adopt – because ultimately I don’t have the feeling that I have to give birth to a child to love it. I realized that I didn’t want to sacrifice my life enough to do so, and that knowing that and living childless would be the smartest option for myself and any child I could potentially have. If I’m going to parent I want to be committed to it 100%. But the question is, do I want to commit to it 100%? Or even 60%?
So I’m going through this “baby” crisis I’m sure other women my age have gone through. I worry – will I get to old age and feel like I missed out on an important life experience? Who will take care of me when I’m old? But on the other hand I’ve long had worries that I’d be like my mother and have a rough relationship with the child and I really am NOT close to my mother. Having a child doesn’t guarantee having someone around to take care of you when you’re old. I think this has also hit now because over the past three years or so suddenly my friends went from being all unmarried and without children (with rare exceptions) to some of them being married, having kids, settling down. Or being a bit older and having done the family thing and now moved on to enjoying the time they have now that their kids are grown.
There’s also the fact that I could see myself co-parenting with MasterDoc, but as he’s in his mid 50′s he’s not interested in starting over again. He has a kid in college. He has a lifestyle he’s presently happy with. While there have been men in their 50s (or even older) who have fathered children, it’s understandable that most people in their 50s (and up) don’t want to start all over again. And while Davey adores me and would do the family thing if I really wanted one, he doesn’t really want it himself and I think that we have enough similar weaknesses that perhaps he’s not the best one to parent with. And again, do I actually want to do that anyway? Is the desire to have a child based on reality or based on hormones or a sense that time is closing its window for me?
So today I was in crisis. I’ve also been realizing that probably I won’t be as important as I’d like to be to MasterDoc (and that I’ve been terrible in taking Davey for granted). I wondered if I should break up with MasterDoc and go find another Dom who wants more closely what I do. We spent a very teary afternoon talking, and I made him feel terrible. AND I made myself feel terrible. I don’t really want to leave him. I have a wonderful time with him. My life is enhanced having him in it. So it’s not perfect, but you know, it’s really asking a hell of a lot for a relationship to be perfect. I have two wonderful, imperfect relationships with two good men who love me. Maybe I need to spend a little more time appreciating how happy I am much of the time.
I think part of the problem is that I suffer from depression – and so if I feel at all sad or dissatisfied I go off the deep end. I pull away. I bottle things up. I think in black and white. Negative thoughts spiral out of control in my head. And then like a volcano eventually I explode. It’s perfectly reasonable that I’m sad that things with MasterDoc will probably never be the intensity I’d like. But it’s not reasonable that I think it means I have to pull the plug on something that makes us happy.

I’m worn out this evening from the tears. I really do a bang up job of making myself unhappy. I was so utterly and completely miserable. I can’t believe that earlier today I was considering walking out of MasterDoc’s place and going home for good. A better indication of how this was depression rather than what I truly wanted is that I couldn’t picture doing anything other than committing suicide if I walked out of there. I pictured going home and putting my head in the oven. (Goes back to the old affinity I had for Sylvia Plath as a depressed teenager.) I felt horrible. I felt horribly unhappy. I only focused on the imperfect things and forgot the wonderful (perfect even!) facets of my relationship with him. I got extremely morbid and started figuring out that I have enough money in my bank accounts to finish off any outstanding medical bills and cover a funeral for me. I saw no future other than a dark tunnel and death.

I need to spend more time thinking about this baby issue, but thinking about how my life would change if I did it, rather than the idealized fantasy. Life is not one big idealized fantasy. I espouse polyamory virtues right and left but then I find myself thinking that I need to have one relationship meet all my needs. I have more than one relationship of value in my life. I need to start focusing on that. I think I need to deprogram society’s monogamous ideal from my head even more. I can’t see myself not being with Davey or MasterDoc. Why on earth do I feel that I need to focus on one relationship? When I was monogamous, I was never quite happy that I couldn’t explore things with other people.

The sad part is that I may be making up things to be unhappy about. I may be dwelling on things I don’t even want in reality.

Sedate Weekend

Published on September 13, 2009 in exhibitionism, lesbian, monogamy, non-monogamy and poly. 0 Comments

I’ve had a relatively sedate weekend. I canceled my date with Shane on Friday because I felt tired, blah and like being alone. He was a good sport about it. Yesterday I went to a friend’s baby shower and had fun, but nearly ended up explaining polyamory to the whole room. A friend said, “Where’s Davey?” (As he has long been my “official boyfriend.”) I answered her honestly, “He’s with his other girlfriend.” Man, the look on her face! Ha ha ha. I said, “It’s okay, I have another boyfriend.” I ended up laughing, turning red and when others in the room asked what was going on my friend said very loudly, very adamantly, “Nevermind! Don’t get into it!”

I took the time to write her a short note today. While I had never kept my poly status secret with this group of friends, neither have I shouted from the rooftops. So I explained, briefly, about my relationship and pointed her in the direction of Wikipedia, The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures and Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships.
It was funny hanging out with this group of friends yesterday. I’ve been friends with them for years and became part of the group when I dated one of the guys in it. He’s now married and I get along great with his wife (she said that she knew about me being poly when it came up yesterday). But since most of the circles I move in are sex bloggers, bdsm practitioners and other perverts, I don’t spend a lot of time with monogamous people other than at work. Or, at least, people who don’t know about and accept polyamory. And I have to say, as much as I love these friends, I’m happier hanging out with people who are more open when it comes to sexuality and their relationships.

It’s not fun being in the closet, or having to explain your relationship choices to people. (This is probably the biggest reason (for me) to be in the closet – so you don’t have to explain yourself). But I don’t know that I have the chutzpah to live my life openly everywhere. I don’t keep the poly thing a secret much – I’ve told both my parents by now – but I also don’t push it in people’s faces. I do think some people need to be out there with it, it’s just not me.

I was relieved last night to have dinner with my friend Diva (who is certainly aware of polyamory in general and me being poly in particular) and then we met up with Tess to go to Hypergender Burlesque. Queer burlesque was a good antidote to being with the “normals” for the afternoon. (I probably shouldn’t say it like that, as my friends are wonderful people who just live more conventional lives than I do.) There were a variety of body types represented and lots of fun costumes and acts. While it’s striptease, it’s also performance art. Diva introduced me around as “the kinky librarian” and some people reacted with recognition. Cool!

I suppose only my idea of a sedate weekend would consist of watching lesbians take their costumes off. Heh. But really, compared to what you so often read here this IS sedate.

Although I must admit, I’ve long wanted to perform a striptease in the burlesque tradition. Maybe one day you’ll see me up there on stage.

Counting the days til MasterDoc is back on the east coast (two!).

Irritation

Published on October 26, 2007 in monogamy, slut and venting. 0 Comments

I’m irritated by the fact that being a slutty woman in this world still isn’t socially acceptable. I’m pretty comfortable with my slut-dom and the men I date are pretty happy with it as well (they’re usually sluts themselves) but occasionally I find myself judged for it. Case in point, MasterDoc and I have been looking to meet a woman for a threesome. We’ve started talking to a few women and I ended up talking with one of them on the phone the other night. I thought it went okay but she turns around and tells him today that she’s not comfortable with the fact that I’m promiscuous and not in a live-in relationship with him. She’s assumed that we’re just nice, monogamous people looking for a third. Naive assumption at best. Neither of us is monogamous. She’s looking to cheat on her husband but the couple she’s going to sleep with must be non-slutty? I’m really annoyed. So she’s still interested in him (and why wouldn’t she be? She likes intelligent men and he’s a smartie.) but I’m a big slut she doesn’t want to touch with a ten foot pole. (She also didn’t seem to find my conversation with her to be stimulating enough – of course she was the one giggling and stammering like a little schoolgirl.) It’s also interesting to note that I’ve slowed down my sleeping around as of late and have to clear everything with MasterDoc before I sleep with anyone new. (Little does she know that I’m going to fuck anyone he tells me to come Saturday night.) The only people I’m sleeping with on any regular basis are Davey and MasterDoc. I only get to see D.S. on occasion. I realize that to the average, monogamy-minded person this is too much but quite frankly I think it is well within reason.

Why is that being an open and honest person gets you nowhere, but if I was a lying cunt I’d be knee deep in pussy? People blather on about honesty and how important it is to them, but the fact is they can’t handle the truth. Sex is risky – it will be with anyone who’s not a complete and utter virgin. You don’t have to be promiscuous to have an std and being promiscuous doesn’t mean you have one.

Grr. I’m just irritated. Ultimately I’m happy with my sex-positive, horny, liberated life. Fuck women who can’t handle that. They can stay in their unhappy, sexually repressed monogamous marriages. *grumble*