Archive for the 'libido' Category

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Back to Normal

Published on March 17, 2011 in anxiety, bdsm, blow jobs, consensual non-consent, D/s, emotions, forced orgasm, happy, libido, musings, non-monogamy, orgasm on command, sex, sex toys, shio, squirting, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Somehow, I rediscovered my submissive spirit after the rough bit over the weekend. It was a relief to both myself and MasterDoc for things between us to seem normal again. A guy I’m talking to on a dating site has read through this blog a bit, and named a post he liked – and the funny thing is, it’s from October 2009 and I was talking about how hard it is to submit when it’s not how YOU want to submit back then too. The struggle goes on.

I focused on being good while at MasterDoc’s Wednesday night. I tried to be obedient when needed. I tried to be calm when addressing him. I felt joy in being submissive. Some days are like that, I love it. Other days are a huge struggle. I’ve been examining why I get so self-centered and I think my mother’s influence has a lot to do with it. My father is a very giving, generous person. I do have some of that in me, but my mother is self-centered – and took advantage of my father many times. So I think the combination of learning behavior from her, and having to be selfish and focus on myself since she never did, has led to my horribly spoiled, self-centered moments. I was spoiled while growing up. (An only child til my brother surprised us all and came along when I was 11.) But also, my mother was a tad verbally abusive, emotionally distant and unpredictable (so unpredictable!). I find myself to be two seemingly contradictory things at once. I have times when I’m really generous with my friends and am happy to do so. I have other times when I obsess with things evening out. (Usually the closer I am to someone the more I worry about such things. I think it’s the whole “you can be at your worst with those who love you most” thing.)

It reminds me of how sometimes people ask how I can reconcile the kinky slut with the librarian. The thing is, I don’t need to reconcile them. They are both part of the same person. I can be wonderful and I can be a real shit. These things are both true about me. I can be intelligent, professional, slutty, kinky, shy, exhibitionist, etc. all at once. All in one package. The descriptors are many.

But on to the sex! I probably won’t see MasterDoc for several days, so I was eager to get laid. (When am I not?) I realized last night that I truly love sucking his cock. I would be disappointed if I wasn’t allowed to do it. He commented that he should make me beg for it then. I focused on loving having his cock in my mouth and I managed to get him to say, “You suck a mean cock!”

“I was hoping you’d say that,” I said with a grin.

We played with some cock choking and I find at times that I can hold him deep in my throat for a moment and not gag. But eventually I need to breathe and start to gag. I think I’m still surprised that I like the gagging so much. He holds my head down on his cock and I love that he’s “making me” do it at that point. I love when I gasp for air and the saliva flows. Right after the deep breath I go right back to sucking his cock.

We were back in sync last night and MasterDoc had no trouble making me come several ways. He wrenched orgasms out of me until I reached exhaustion. (I honestly thought he might succeed in making me pass out. I kept holding my breath as I came, but then my body would make me gasp when it became too much.) He made me come from just stroking my body and talking to me. He pushed orgasm out of orgasm out of me with his probing fingers in my pussy. If the orgasm started to decline, he did something different to put me right back in the midst of deep orgasm again. He fucked me and made me come. He realized that part of what was upsetting about the weekend is that he had suddenly “lost” the ability to make me come whenever he wants. Saturday night was truly a weird night. I’m happy to say he hadn’t lost his skill.

At some point, we talked about working in (to my cunt) the large Randy dildo again sometime. He warmed me up a bit the one time we played with it but not quite enough for it to feel good. He asked if he started with smaller penetrative toys and worked his way up. I told him I didn’t think so.

“That was dumb,” he blurted out. “Oh, did I say that aloud?” I smiled because his ability to admit his own mistakes is one of the many things I love about him. (I must add, that in retrospect I think he DID use smaller penetrative toys before that big dildo. Just not for long enough.)

A cuddle after sex and many orgasms led to him making me come again from stroking my arms and legs. I am so lucky! Devoid of selfish worries and depressive episodes, I realized how utterly happy he makes me. While sharing him can be difficult, he is so wonderful that having him part time is better than having him no time. I took the time to savor the feeling of him against me. I’ll try to recall it this weekend when I don’t see him. His touch seems to release some sort of fabulous chemicals in my brain.

After sex, I got MasterDoc a snack from the kitchen, and was reminded that I still needed to clean up after dinner. (The dishwasher had been running, and since his is a little counter top one that gets water directly from the faucet, I had to put off any other cleaning til the cycle was done.) While I cleaned up, I thought about service. I realized that on some level, I should think that I’m doing these little annoying tasks so that the man I love, who makes me really happy, doesn’t have to. I think I struggle with such selflessness though because I have constant subconscious worries that I will be taken advantage of, that I won’t get my needs met. Again, this seems to stem from my upbringing and NOT from life with MasterDoc. So I continue to work on finding the joy in submission. It’s there. I just don’t always open myself up to it. While I’m afraid of truly being selfless, I think learning it to a reasonable extent would be very good for me.

Rethinking Service

Published on March 14, 2011 in anxiety, bored, D/s, emotions, horny, libido, musings, non-monogamy, orgasm on command, poly, sex, sex parties, slump, stress, submissive, swinging and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

On Saturday night MasterDoc and I went out to the swing club. We rarely go on Saturday nights, and it’s a couples-only night. The vibe is completely different than the “single guys allowed” nights we usually go to. On our usual nights, putting on a show and indulging our exhibitionist tendencies is mostly what we do. We wouldn’t object to a couple to swing with, but we realize it’s less likely on those nights. We noticed that on couples’ night the couples are “better” (to our perception at least) than the couples who come on singles nights. (What does that say about us? Heh. We like to put on a show and have me groped by random guys.)

Early in the evening, while I was feeling distinctly in the mood for some Dom/sub type of play, I focused on being the loving girlfriend in the swing situation. We had a lovely time making out for a bit. I did my best to show off how good he makes me feel in case I could pique some lady’s interest.

It was nice, but we didn’t talk to any couples and none of them spoke to us. We’re both shyer than you would think. (Not shy about nudity, shy about talking.) I started to get rather bored. When we finally went off to fool around, I found it hard to get fully aroused. I enjoyed the sweet kissing and touching, but when MasterDoc tried to make me come I had to struggle to come a while after he gave permission. I had a bout of crankiness. I just couldn’t get into the evening and my inner brat came out. I wanted rough sex when gentle sex was on the menu. I was bored and totally didn’t handle the accompanying frustration well. MasterDoc gave me a stern talking to, and I did my best to refocus and enjoy the evening. I didn’t want to ruin it for either of us.

I struggled. I was disappointed that my evening was fairly sex-free when I was craving lots of bdsm and sex goodness. I wanted an evening of fucking – wherever we were. But the sex was slow to come. When MasterDoc did fuck me, I just couldn’t get into it. He was frustrated because he thinks that I mentally set myself up to not come. I don’t think I did that, at least not consciously. The sex hurt, which seems to happen now and then lately if my cunt isn’t well warmed up first, and my cervix in particular was hyper-sensitive. I did my best mentally to get into it, and I asked him not to go too deep, but there was no way in hell I could get aroused enough to come. He told me that in swing situations I can come at will, but even after hearing his voice tell me to come, I couldn’t. I couldn’t even get close. It was a miserable experience for both of us, not because I didn’t have an orgasm, but because fucking was downright unpleasant. Our fucking is rarely short of spectacular.

The next day we discussed things, and I was feeling self-righteous and angry over my perceived reduction in sex lately with MasterDoc. (He had spent the night before with a playmate of his. They went to the club and she slept over his place.) He explained that I don’t get less sex. I’m not entirely sure that’s true, at least not back in the days before he started seeing DeeDee and his current plethora of playmates. The discussion left me depressed (just mood-wise, not illness-wise), but I did try to not let it get to me. Over time, I had to admit to myself that it was bratty of me to have a fit the night before. I started to examine my attitudes towards service to my Dom. I started looking at how I react when I don’t get what I want right away. Delayed gratification has never been my strong point.

It’s easy to serve when it’s kinky and stimulating for me. It’s much harder to be patient when he goes off with others or the goal seems to be a swap rather than sex together. I’m all for serving when and how it suits me – but I struggle with other types of service. I’m probably not the first sub to have this problem, and if any of you have suggestions let me know. I struggle with things that seem to “take away” from my time with him. I found myself craving sexual submission on Saturday night, but that’s not what my Dom needed from me.

I need to find a friend with benefits for regular fucking to augment what I get with MasterDoc. And/or a service top to play with. MasterDoc is polyamorous and will always be, so if my 38-year-old libido needs more fucking, then I need to get additional fucking elsewhere. Perhaps if I was getting laid more often then I wouldn’t get so insecure, needy and cranky.

At any rate, I realized that I needed to work on my submissive service. I need to work on submitting when it’s hard. I did my best tonight to make things easier for DeeDee who just came home and has a bunch of furniture to move in. I made dinner and cleaned up so MasterDoc and DeeDee could get stuff done. It’s a small step, but I’m going to continue to examine my service skills.

On Sunday, we had sex twice and it was just as wonderful as usual.

Private Play

Published on March 12, 2011 in bdsm, cunt, D/s, forced orgasm, libido, masturbation, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, sex, sex toys, spanking, Uncategorized and wartenburg wheel. 0 Comments

After our night out, MasterDoc got busy with work and spending time with DeeDee before she went away for a few days again. Thursday evening I got him to myself, and to my delight we were both in playful moods.

Our sex isn’t always a serious, Dom/sub affair. MasterDoc has a sense of humor, a sense of silliness (as do I) and sometimes passionate touches can be followed shortly after with a silly face designed to make me laugh. While I like when he’s rough with me, I also treasure the times when he feels affectionate and sweet.

We fooled around a bit, and I played with my cunt as he watched closely. There’s something so hot about him laying at the end of the bed, perched in the perfect spot to see my spread legs and watch as I rub my cunt. His piercing gaze makes me feel so exposed. I was so horny that when he said, “I just wanna fuck,” I replied enthusiastically that that’s what I wanted as well. I wanted his cock inside me. I wanted to be fucked. I could dispense with the other trappings of bdsm for the evening.

Of course, he still spanks my ass a bit while fucking me from behind. But he fucked me so long and so hard that I couldn’t help but come – even before he gave permission. It was another in an ever-lengthening line of phenomenal sex we’ve had. I collapsed when he was done with me and was probably incoherent for the better part of a few minutes.

I was still randy, but MasterDoc had just worked a tremendous amount of hours over the past couple of days, so while I couldn’t hide my disappointment at not having more sex, I did acquiesce and try not to make a big deal out of it. The man is human and totally has a right to be too tired for extra sex after working so hard.

The next day he ensured I went home feeling content. He had plans in the evening with his playmate, so we didn’t fuck, but he made sure I came like crazy. He used the vampire gloves, the textured rubber gloves and the Wartenburg wheel on my body. I loved the sensations, but when it came time to come, I had a hard time doing it. The textured or spiked gloves can feel sensual, or they can feel uncomfortable. And since these sensations alternate, my trip to orgasm is not a straight line while playing with those toys.

But MasterDoc made sure I had some amazing orgasms before I left. He had me select a dildo for him to use on me, and he gave me the magic wand. I wasn’t allowed to turn the wand on at first, and he took to my thighs with a wooden ruler. He lubed up the dildo and slid it in to me. I was worked up by the time he let me switch the wand on (I like it on low most of the time.) As he fucked me with the dildo, and the vibrations danced on my clit, he reminded me that I had to ask permission to come. I tried teasing myself a little bit, but soon begged for orgasm. He made me hold off as I moaned in frustration. When he did let me come, it was a tremendous orgasm. I love when I lose all control while coming – I lose any sense of worrying that I may look stupid. I lose track of everything except my orgasm.

I went home feeling great.

Reconnecting, or His Young Bitch

Published on December 24, 2010 in bdsm, cunt, D/s, horny, illness, kink, libido, musings, orgasm on command, sex, shio, squirting, submissive and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

It was wonderful and much-needed to reconnect with MasterDoc sexually last night. I’m still not totally well, and I became fatigued too quickly, but I got the chance to be the worshipful submissive.

As we discussed my reluctance to kiss him in the kitchen the night before, I had the rather odd thought that I love how he’s scientific. I hadn’t kissed him at his request because I was worried I was still contagious. He pointed out that you’re only really particularly contagious for the day before you get sick, and the first couple of days after. I love that he trusts in science, unlike so many of us, and simply ceased to worry about my flu being contagious after the usual few days of contagion. (It also helps, I’m sure, that he got the flu shot.) I love how very rational he is.

It was wonderful to submit to how much his every touch turns me on. Through just gentle caresses he can have me quivering and ready to come. Some dominants seem to think that having control means bossing their subs around and constantly asserting their dominance. I think MasterDoc has real control – if he wants to make me come I am helpless to stop it. He doesn’t need to assert himself constantly. He knows he has control over me. He made a comment last night, while reaching out to grasp my hair in his hand, about the pleasure of seeing the ownership he has over me. I loved hearing that term. While I usually associate ownership with slaves and I still identify wholeheartedly as a sub, I have lately felt like I want to acknowledge his ownership of me. (Such as, in the status part of my fetlife profile.) And it’s interesting to me how you can be a poly sub, and very much owned by one person, but fuck others and not have that take away from your owner/pet relationship.

I used the word pet there because, strangely, last night we got to talking about whether I see myself as a kitty or a puppy. I don’t relate to cats at all (lifelong cat allergy saw to that) but I love dogs. I can totally see myself as a puppy. We’ve been discussing how I need a “totem” around MasterDoc’s place – DeeDee has the glamorous stuffed sheep, “Miss Ganoush” (as in BaaBaa Ganoush), MasterDoc is represented by the stuffed dog I’ve dubbed Brian after the dog on Family Guy. Like MasterDoc, Brian will sleep with a variety of women. I cuddle him when I’m there, but so does another of MasterDoc’s girlfriends when she visits. I suppose we could consider me the puppy. A puppy doesn’t go out dogging around like the grown dog, instead she is all cute and playful and attached to her owner. I need to find an adorable stuffed puppy to represent me.

I think it’s funny how bdsm relationships grow and evolve. I would never have thought of anyone as a puppy except the submissive playmate MasterDoc has who he calls “Puppy.” But I suppose it’s easy to have more than one puppy around. I’ve never cared much for age play or puppy play in the past, but lately I like being able to be little, helpless and taken care of now and then. And I have to say I’m definitely a puppy rather than a kitty or pony.

MasterDoc made me weak all over and made me come with little effort as usual. As he started slapping my pussy during orgasm I started to squirt. After, he declared that I was a very dirty girl. After being a very ill girl for the past week, it felt good to be sexual again.

He fucked me bent over the Liberator Axis. Having support was extra important because of my fatigue. As he fucked me I wondered if I was too tired to come. Then I realized that wasn’t such a bad thing – he could then fuck me until he came. He doesn’t often manage to come from fucking me and I love when he does. He later said that he nearly came. Despite thinking I was too tired for orgasm, when he held his cock firmly in my cunt, preparing for my spasming muscles, and then told me to come, come I did.

He also played around with the vampire gloves I got for his birthday. I had underestimated just how huge his hands are and ordered large instead of x-large. I had to return them for the x-large and they came in yesterday. When run over some parts of my body, the tines tickled, then they lightly scratched over other parts and with a little pressure, on my ass they hurt. You can get a bunch of sensations out of the gloves.

I begged for a rest, and while he was definitely going to give me the rest, he kept getting distracted by touching me. At one point I was so near orgasm that I had to sigh when he suddenly stopped. He thought he was being good and letting me rest, but it was downright painful not to come at that point.

He wanted me to massage his prostate but when I became too tired to stay awake he tucked me into bed. I love that he understands that being ill means I don’t have the energy for some things, and not that I’m trying to shirk duties.

Endlessly Horny Slut

Published on November 17, 2010 in anal, analingus, bdsm, D/s, edge play, embarrassment, happy, horny, humiliation play, kink, libido, masturbation, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, piss play, porn, prostate massage, sadism, sex, sex toys, shio, slut, squirting, submissive, trust, Uncategorized and wax play. 0 Comments

I often think that time spent alone with MasterDoc in sexual situations can’t get any better. And then they do.

Early in the evening he was talking about how he canceled an “orgasm on command” demonstration he was planning at a party we’re going to Friday. I spoke up, saying that I really think it wouldn’t be a problem him making me come with just a touch and a word – even in front of an audience. He turned towards me on the sofa and said, “Oh really?” His hand caressed my face and he twined his fingers in my hair. “So you think you could come just from my command?” I was twitching a little and breathing heavy by this time and I answered, “Yes, Sir.”

“Then you can come.” The full-body cascade came over me and my left hand shot out and impotently grabbed at his nearest thigh. I was still dressed in my work clothes, and we hadn’t any foreplay whatsoever. Even as he gave me the command a small part of me doubted I could come, but I am so conditioned now that not coming wasn’t an option. Thankfully I didn’t squirt in my work pants (although many of you pervs out there would have loved reading about that!).

A phone call came in for him immediately after, and I caught my breath, stunned, while he spoke on the phone.

Later, after we had both had dinner, bathed and gotten ready for sex, I put on a video from theupperfloor.com. (Thanks again to the person who shared their password with me! Hawt stuff!) He had me plug in the HDMI cable so we could see the porn on the big screen tv. Just watching the goings on of training the house slaves got me so hot. We both loved a scene where Cherry Torn had a knife handle (dinner knife) slid up her ass, and then the magic wand was vibrated against the part sticking out. I thought to myself that it would be super hot for me to disappear to the kitchen and return with a table knife, but something in me prevented me from just doing that. I really need to be more proactive.

He had told me minutes before to get an ass toy that he could use to warm up my ass. Earlier I had pointed out it was a long time since we had anal sex, and he took that under consideration. I returned with an ass toy – silicone, sorta rippled, with a handle to press against the perineum.

With lube and toy in hand he had me get on hands and knees. I leaned against the sofa arm. He worked the toy into my ass and I was moaning before much really started. The idea of him violating my ass was just too, too hot. I wasn’t quite sure what was going on at various times, but fuck, it felt good. He teased me and my whole body tingled with excitement. Satisfied that he had heated me up, we adjourned to the bedroom with the porn.

I’ve been feeling extremely horny and slutty in recent days. I’m sure many of you are saying in disbelief, “Only in recent days?!” Since the feeling of shift I wrote about last week, I’ve felt like some blocks about doing things MasterDoc wants me to do are starting to disappear. (Not all of them sadly, but a few key ones.) On some levels, I live for pleasing him. I’m starting to fantasize about him doing things I formerly thought of as hard limits.

In the bedroom, he told me to get a toy that’s larger than the first one for preparing my ass for fucking. I used a slender, red-sparkle silicone dildo to work my ass and soon I was fucking myself with it like a bitch in heat. He really enjoyed watching this and let me come after a while.

He was ready to fuck my ass himself, and we tried to figure out the best position. Unfortunately this hesitation led to difficulties getting it in (a cock needs to be super hard for anal) so we took a break. (Note to gentlemen of a certain age: As this entry will demonstrate, you can still satisfy and drive a woman wild even if your cock isn’t cooperating. Seriously, as much as I love cock it is not the only thing that will get me off/make me happy.)

He made me come a ton of times via command and molesting my body. He decided that it would help him get hard for me to lick his ass. Normally I’d have been hesitant to get there, but that block I mentioned that seems to have moved? I didn’t really have a problem getting my tongue into his asshole as best I could. I really tried very hard to make him feel good. I’m enjoying more and more feeling like he’s in control and that makes it easier to do things I don’t like to do. By verbal command, he made me come TWICE while I licked his ass. As I started to come the first time I thought to myself, “Damn you!” because of the embarrassment of orgasming while my tongue was on his asshole.

At this point, is there anything this man can’t do to make me come?

During one of our interludes (while I tried to recover from so many orgasms), he declared that everything points to enforced exercise. Fuuuuuck! He’s decided that if I do squats I’m allowed to come when I can. He emphasized that the point wasn’t doing squats until I’m sore and exhausted, just a few until I can manage to come knowing he’s given me permission to come. I cringe at the very idea of coming from exercise. But if anyone can make me do it, he can. We shall see.

We fooled around for two hours or so, and a couple of times he kept making me come long past the point where I thought I could. In my exhaustion, I nearly begged him to stop. Nearly. I’m digging this forced orgasms thing though.

His cock cooperated towards the end of the evening, and he fucked me up the ass. I didn’t hear him give me permission to come so I rode the edge the entire time. It felt pretty damn amazing. (Note to Doms: Please give commands to come loudly and clearly, because if the sub has to ask, “What did you say, Sir?” it decreases the arousal just enough to limit the ensuing orgasm.)

More porn was watched. I fantasized about him pissing in my mouth as he went off to use the bathroom. I started masturbating before he came back. Since it seemed pretty clear we were “done” as far as getting me off, I considered my clit tickling to be masturbation and came at will. He joined me again on the bed, and a few moments later told me to come after I had already started, and I just kept coming and coming. I had squirted even before he gave me the command to come. It’s amazing how fast I can rub my clit when I’m aroused.

He wanted a prostate massage, so I worked his ass over for a while. I was really getting into it. We heard DeeDee come in during this, and MasterDoc decided to delay his orgasm. We said hello to DeeDee, heard about her date, and I voiced a need for cuddles and aftercare.

We cuddled. And just being close to him turns me on so very much. It gives me a helpless feeling, the way I get wildly aroused around him. Soon I was licking his “spot” and realizing that indeed, “spot worship” has become a fetish for me. Yes, I will admit, the middle of his hairy chest turns me on. I talked about how I would love for him to come in my mouth and then I’d play with rubbing his come all over my chest. The fantasy was so strong! It wasn’t in the cards though.

He still wanted to come so he had me help by giving him an ass massage as he jerked off. I tried my best to tune in and notice his reactions. To press firmly against his asshole and perineum in a way that would feel good. My fingers made him twitch for a while after he had shot his load. Even though I was tired by this point, my submissive nature helped me focus and enjoy making him come. Even though there were so many delicious orgasms last night, I wanted to be his endlessly horny slut. I’d certainly stop playing when he asked me to, but I aimed to be eager and ready at all times. Accomplishing this wasn’t too hard.

Is it any wonder I hesitate to try to fuck another guy? Without MasterDoc taking control how can another guy fucking me be anywhere near as hot as when I fuck MasterDoc? But if he told me to fuck a roomful of strangers it would be the hottest thing ever, and I would do it under his watchful eye. I am his slut. There is no denying that.

Of Threesomes, Masturbation and Friends with Benefits

Published on November 15, 2010 in anxiety, bdsm, bisexuality, D/s, dating, DeeDee, libido, masturbation, musings, non-monogamy, poly, saajan, sex, sexuality, slut, submissive, threesome and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

As I dried off from my shower this evening, I could hear the rhythmic sounds of DeeDee getting a spanking from MasterDoc in the playroom. As you would expect in a poly household, there are times when she and MasterDoc have time alone, times when I have time alone with him, and time that we spend together (or completely on our own). Time spent alone with MasterDoc in the playroom means cuddles at minimum (and some spot worship (see para. 5 of that post), but usually orgasms, or a beating, or a good fucking or any combination thereof with things like nipple clamps, hot wax, needles, and the like thrown in sometimes for variety.

MasterDoc also uses those moments of post-orgasmic glow to address any concerns he has about your behavior as a sub. My latest lecture was how I need to be agreeable to threesomes with him and DeeDee (or any other woman for that matter) – not doing so is not an option. And I’ve been trying to sort out why over time I’ve gotten to feel uncomfortable with threesomes with MasterDoc and DeeDee. When DeeDee was new I was more able to play my part and not have any hang ups. But since becoming good friends, and her living at MasterDoc’s, I’ve come to feel awkward. Moody. Odd. I think it’s because DeeDee is, in my mind, a friend of mine and not a lover. I love her as one loves someone dear to you, but I feel strange getting into sexual situation with her there. I dunno. I also find that my insecurities are so great that if he’s paying attention to her first, I worry that I’m going to be left out completely. I tell you, threesomes are not all they’re cracked up to be. They can be hot, but sometimes one of you gets stuck diddling yourself in the corner while the real action goes on between the other two. I realize that for many that’s hot in and of itself, but I seldom diddle myself even when I’m alone these days. (That’s a contemplation for another paragraph.)

I don’t know that I have the answer, but apparently I have to find it. I do understand that sometimes a perk of being a polyamorous Dom should be getting pleasured by more than one of your subs at a time. When we’re both busy with him I suppose it’s not a bad thing as I enjoy making him feel good. Do any sub-types reading this have suggestions on getting into sexual situations (that you’d rather not get into) because your dominant orders you to? And do any of you have an idea on how to play with your dominant’s ass while he fucks someone else? The butt clenching that comes with fucking makes it pretty friggin impossible to get my fingers in there.

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Masturbation is something I did at an early age (I had my first orgasm before leaving elementary school) and did often when I was in high school. In the college dorm I got fewer opportunities, and once I was working full time I found I just didn’t have the energy to masturbate as often. With regular sex in my life, I’ve had even less interest in masturbation. A few weeks ago MasterDoc ordered me to masturbate at least once a week (preferably twice) and report back to him on it. The first two weeks I managed to remember and report in on the one time I did it each week. Last week I totally forgot. I often intend to masturbate as I’m horny a lot, but I put it off so I can do things like blog, watch a dvd, play a game on my phone. By the time I put all that away and get to bed I’m too drowsy to rub one out.

I find that I’m generally horny at the most inopportune times – like at work. Or when I have stuff to get gone at my place or MasterDoc’s. I’m already dedicated to carving out time for exercise again, so finding time for one more thing seems like too much. I don’t think I could ever have imagined that I could think of masturbation as too much work. I find that getting worked up is difficult by myself these days (not always, but often enough). Plus with the mind blowing orgasms I have with MasterDoc, why wouldn’t I prefer that? And if it seems like sex isn’t in the cards that night I think I subconsciously shut my horniness down.

Also let’s face it, sex by myself isn’t as interesting as with a partner.

I’ve kept my feelers out for more lovers to spend time with, but I spend a lot of time at MasterDoc’s and prefer it that way. I’m happy to be seeing Blondie, and for a while I was seeking a friend with benefits on a dating site but I got fed up with constant emails from guys I was totally uninterested in. Today I chatted up my old friend Saajan online. If you ever read my first blog he featured in it often. While I was in graduate school he and I were pretty regular friends with benefits. We fucked a few times after I moved in with Davey, and he came to my birthday gang bang a few years ago, but we’ve mainly lost touch. Since he is my idea of the ideal friend with benefits I decided to say hello. Why is he ideal? Well he’s extremely smart, funny, nice and someone I enjoy spending even non-sexual time with – but there has never been even the whiff of romance between us. He can fuck like a jack-hammer and is aggressive in bed. He’s the first man who made me squirt.

I don’t have a date set for a fuck with him but he was up for it. He just may be the extra cock I’m searching for right now. The orgasms won’t have the blinding quality I get with MasterDoc – orgasms with MD are kinda like an old television losing reception – my brain goes totally fuzzy and I lose all ability… to do anything really, other than come that is. I’ve gotten spoiled.

Saturday Interlude

Published on September 27, 2010 in bdsm, bisexuality, blow jobs, D/s, dom, humiliation play, kink, libido, masochism, masturbation, orgasm on command, piss play, sadism, sex, sex toys, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

I was just bemoaning how behind I am in blogging. MasterDoc laughed, saying, “Oh poor you, you can’t keep up blogging all the sex you have!” Yes, I’m fortunate to have lots of interesting sex. But sitting down to blog can require discipline I don’t always feel. I love writing and I love chronicling my adventures, but it is work.

Saturday morning, after googling Blondie (That’s not her porn name, by the way. I’m not sure she wants it mentioned here so I’m erring on the side of caution.) and handling other internet stuff, MasterDoc suggested sex. Hells yeah! We both bathed and got set up in the play room.

Over the past week or two I’m finally opening up to myself that I’m even pervier than I like to admit. I’m starting to admit I like humiliation play – a lot. I like him pissing on me as a humiliation thing. I love when he makes me feel totally in his control and uses me as he likes. I love being his dirty slut AND being made to feel like it.

I spoke up about craving roughness before we started. The action started with me giving him a blowjob. He choked me with his cock more than usual. Fuck, I found it so hot for him to choke me, my throat working to push his cock out as his hands held my head down. The struggle to open my throat. The saliva flowing. The gasp when I pull free and the enthusiasm with which I go right back to sucking his cock.

Blowing him is foreplay for me as well as him. Direct physical stimulation is sometimes needed to get me wet, but sucking cock is usually plenty to get me turned on. (Any other ladies find that being wet doesn’t always correlate to arousal? Near my period I’m wet all the time even without arousal, but I can be getting sexual with someone, really into it, and not that wet. Lube is invaluable.) When he gave me a rest, he made me come by command again with some slapping and getting me to focus my mind. I had been craving face slapping. My jaw felt a little sore afterward, but not for long.

He had me get on top and ride him. I loved sliding his cock into me but after holding myself up during orgasm the night before my legs were too tired out to do the thrusting. I did my best but I had to stop.

He took a moment to figure out a way to have me be reasonably comfortable, yet use me at the same time. He had me lay with my head over the end of bed. He fucked my throat and I loved it. The only bad thing was when his balls would fall over my nostrils. (I do need some air.) My hands were free so I just moved them out of the way. While fucking my mouth he slapped my pussy and made me come. Despite my little aside earlier in this post, I had no trouble getting wet during this particular interlude. I was very wet. Juicy.

I still wanted more. My already high sex drive has gotten higher lately. MasterDoc was done and ready to move on to other things, but I asked if I could masturbate. He granted permission and I quickly plugged in the Hitachi and masturbated while having fantasies about my date from the night before. The queer part of my heart is soaring to be seeing a woman for a change. A few more orgasms later I finally felt sated.

Craving Rough

Published on September 21, 2010 in bdsm, blow jobs, D/s, edge play, humiliation play, kink, libido, masturbation, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, sex, spanking and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

As MasterDoc took a bath, I surfed kinky porn on the net. I found a couple of rough sex and bondage scenes, including one with a woman in strict bondage being fucked (with delicious dirty talk from the dominant guy) and teased with vibrator. Sign me up! I keep having thoughts of rough sex. I want to struggle, I want to be rendered helpless. I want to be slapped around a bit and told what a dirty whore I am.

As we watched the porn after his bath, MasterDoc had me masturbate and he told me to come like I would masturbating alone. Even when I masturbate, I don’t usually come as soon as I can (unless pressed for time). I teased myself a bit as revving the engine can build the orgasm into something bigger if you give it time. I came when I chose, rubbing my clit furiously.

MasterDoc then fucked me from behind, and I was so aroused that it practically hurt not to come. He complimented me on my self-control, but all I wanted to do was let go that little trigger and come like a maniac. I finally broke down and begged – it came out of my mouth without me thinking about it. He spanked me for begging, and after spoke to me about it. Previously, he had instructed me to do my very best not to beg while his cock is in me. I can ask for orgasm from a toy any time, but if he’s fucking me I’m to take it and accept that if I’m going to come it will be his decision. It takes a lot for him to come from sex, and he says that my begging usually comes right when he’s nearly at the point of coming (thus interrupting the flow and ruining the chances of him coming from that). I told him that I understood, and that yes, we had discussed this before, and yes I was sorry I gave in to my horniness.

He looked me in the eye intently.

“I don’t think you’re going to have any trouble with coming – are you?”

I initially thought this foreboding comment meant that I need to just trust in him and not ever ask… but two seconds later his meaning became apparent when he grabbed me by the hair and said, “Come.” And like the trained little monkey I am I came.

I’m a total bundle of horniness lately, and I felt sad when he was done fucking me for the afternoon. I nursed a quiet hope that we would have more sex later. When the topic came up much later, he sounded surprised that I still wanted more. I explained that while orgasms are always delightful, sometimes if you don’t get your specific craving met then you’re left wanting more anyway.

I patiently waited to see if he’d take me again. He had me get on my knees in front of the couch and suck his cock while he watched football. He surfed the web while he watched the game and I sucked his cock dutifully. Just as my jaw was getting too sore, he told me to stop. I sat on cushions on the floor waiting patiently. He had indicated by now that half-time was gettin’ lucky time.

I played with my phone while sitting on the floor. He said, “I kinda like you sitting there like that.”

“You like knowing that there’s a woman who will sit at your feet awaiting your whim?” Yes, he likes it and to be honest I like it too. I wouldn’t want to do it all the time, but every now and then it’s a lovely symbol of the dynamic we have.

At half-time we went to the play room. I had more porn ready to go but we didn’t end up watching it. Thankfully MasterDoc had an epiphany and he “got” what it was I was craving: roughness. He began by putting his hand at my throat. He pressed a bit on the carotid artery and things grew a little fuzzy – just a little. He told me to come while continuing to choke me gently. (Sometimes you can be rough while being gentle.) He slapped my face, my thighs, my pussy. I couldn’t get enough. My mind races lately with ideas for a scene where I’m manhandled, slapped around, called a whore and many other delightfully awful things. Fucked up the ass maybe. Gagged and bound.

After fulfilling my need for rough, MasterDoc had me lay on my back at the end of bed. He stood over me and slapped my pussy with his cock. As he slid into me I could feel him climb on top of me. Feeling like I’m contained under his body while he fucks me was soothing. I wanted to come, but having learned my lesson earlier in the day, I focused instead on how the fucking felt (without getting too worked up) and that I was his hole to fuck. I can’t recall what he said that finally gave me the opening, but I came out with something I had been thinking, “I hope my pussy feels good, Sir.”

After a while of fucking, he told me to come and my vaginal muscles pushed down, forcing his cock out. This didn’t matter as having him near me and on top of me kept me coming.

Damn I’m lucky.

Revelations (Of the Feminist and Slut Kind)

Published on June 6, 2010 in anxiety, attraction, bisexuality, emotions, Feminism, foursome, libido, musings, neurosis, random thoughts, sex, sexuality, slut, swinging and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

This is going to be a long entry. Not only did I have hot, kinky sex I want to share with you, I also had some realizations that I’m excited about too. (Ultimately, I’ve decided to make my brains’ masturbation one entry, and the actual sex another.)

I had a wonderful time yesterday – and had some revelations on what polyamory is to me. MasterDoc is poly in the sense that he likes having multiple romantic relationships concurrently. I’m poly in the sense that I prefer having one main emotional, romantic relationship and lots of friends I hang out with and fuck. Neither way is wrong, they’re just two of the many ways a person can be polyamorous. I would certainly feel affection for and care about my fuck buddies, but it would be without the intensity of a full-time relationship. I need a way to get my insane sexual needs/desires met, but I’m not really looking for another relationship. I’ve been going about things all wrong. I’ve been looking on okcupid for a woman to date. I should be looking on craigslist for a woman to FUCK.

I think I hesitate to admit that sort of thing, because then I come across as a stereotypical bisexual woman. But fuck that, I may be a bit of a stereotype at times, but I should go for what I want. (And like most stereotypes, I’m not 100% of the stereotype anyway. I can fall in love with and have a relationship with a woman, but I’d much prefer a female friend who loves to fuck and hang out with me.) I worry that I make other bi women look bad by fitting the stereotype – but there are plenty of bisexual women who can have romantic, emotional relationships with women (monogamous ones even!) but I’m not one who wants that.

Kinda hard to admit what you want is what has been vilified. It’s really hard to know that the lesbians who won’t date bisexual women will look at me and say, “See! She’s why I won’t date bi women!” I am not, however, all bisexual women. I am just me.

Yesterday we had over a woman MasterDoc found on craigslist. Just reading her ad made me think she’s a kindred spirit – and meeting her cemented that. I found myself feeling so excited to meet her, but I didn’t want to show it because while here she told us about a woman who got too clingy and she had to stop seeing because that’s not what she wants. The thing is, I’m so excited about meeting her BECAUSE she doesn’t want a relationship with a woman. To have a partner in crime who is bisexual, horny, kinky and adventurous would be fabulous. She’s smart, has an offbeat sense of humor – definitely the kind of person I want to be friends with. I’m hoping she’d be up for the same, but I realize that I have to be laid back about it lest I come across as wanting more than I actually do. But I would just like to be able to call on her and say, “Hey I have a night alone, want to come over, hang out and fuck?” And if she’s free that night (she does have boyfriend, and I think that should come first just like my relationship with MasterDoc comes first for me) then she can come over, chill out and get freaky.

It was so exciting to have that epiphany. I hold back from dating others for many reasons despite feeling frustrated and like I need more sex and more companionship, and I’ve realized that one of them is that I don’t want another emotionally intense, romantic relationship. I want a fuck buddy, a friend with benefits. Time to re-evaluate my dating strategy.

My other grand epiphany has been developing over the past week or so. We’re all so mired in the “stories” that society tells us, that even progressive feminists can fall prey to the narratives we’re told – despite them not being true. I’m often intimidated by thin women. (And I started feeling that way with our guest – she’s quite slender.) I think that thinness is so beloved in our culture that why would someone who has that want me? But that’s bullshit. I like a lot of different people – and someone being smart, funny and sexually adventurous is FAR MORE important to me than them fitting a societal body ideal. And why the fuck can’t I accept that there are thin women who feel the same way? I have such terrible self-esteem most of the time, that it had never occurred to me before – I am one of those smart, kinky, adventurous, fun people I think are so fucking sexy. Why the hell wouldn’t other people find me sexy? Sure, no one is ever going to be attractive to everyone, but I don’t give myself enough credit for my good points.

At one point I was chatting with our new pal (I’m hoping she’ll come back, she was loads of fun) while MasterDoc played with DeeDee in the next room. And I told her about the realization I had recently through a thread on fetlife and talking to someone on twitter – misogyny and the hatred of women’s bodies is so widespread that thin women deal with tons of shit about their bodies too. In the feminist movement these days we focus a lot on fat positivity, but we often do it in a way that reacts negatively to our sisters who more closely fit the “perfect” body. I forget, however, that the “perfect” body is so fucking specific that even someone who seems to fit it more closely than me can suffer from worries that they’re not the “perfect” one. Sure thinness is desired, but so are big boobs – and plenty of thin women have smaller breasts. We want this “perfect” combination of ultra thin yet curvy – and that’s not a look most people’s bodies fall into naturally. Also, I lose sight of the fact that even if someone does fit this norm, it doesn’t mean they buy into it, it doesn’t mean they can’t like me. Sure, some people are body conscious and only want to fuck other “hot” people, but I can’t assume because a woman is hot that she won’t find me to be very sexy or she can’t struggle with her own sense of body-positivity. (I need to realize this about men too.)

I’ve been so fucked up by the pervasive culture we live in that I have lost sight of these things. And when I told our new pal this yesterday she enthusiastically agreed with me that thin women get all sorts of shit about their bodies too. Misogyny is an attack on women, and part of the attack strategy is to make chubby women think that thin women are the enemy. I’ve often rejected a thin, pretty woman before she had a chance to reject me – and stupidly have ruined chances with women I might have had a great time with. I have no concept of a hot woman wanting to fuck me, but Jesus, aren’t I selling myself short? I’m buying into the societal narrative too much myself.

We had such a wonderful adventure with our new friend yesterday (I keep hoping friend is the right word – it could turn out to be a one-off but I’m hoping it’s not) that it merits its own entry. Coming up next: the hot sex foursome.

“Do it to Julia!”

Published on March 27, 2010 in attraction, bdsm, blow jobs, commitment, cunnilingus, D/s, dom, embarrassment, emotions, exhibitionism, happy, horny, humiliation play, kink, libido, masochism, masturbation, musings, non-monogamy, optimism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, poly, sadism, sex, sex parties, shio, slut, spanking, squirting, submissive, trust and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

I’ve spent plenty of time the last two months bitching about struggling through PMS. I’m happy to say this month is better, but even though it seems like all is well, I can tell that in a way my mood has gone a bit manic this time. I’m not bipolar, but I think even in regular depression sometimes your mood will swing the other way – just far less often than a person with bipolar might experience. I find myself giddy this month, googly-eyed lovey, eager to do things. I went for an hour long walk today. I never do that! So while the symptoms this month could be described as “positive” I think it’s just another side of the coin from the “negative” symptoms of the past few months. I’m out of balance emotionally like I am every month, it’s just that this month seems more positive.

Last night I had a wonderful night out with MasterDoc. My giddy, lovey mood made me really appreciate how happy I am with him. I really got into our dynamic and realized how fulfilling it is for me. It’s funny, because I constantly struggle with two different desires – there’s a part of me that’s independent and wants to make my own damn decisions but there’s another part of me that wants nothing more than for him to have control. These two parts sometimes conflict. A part of me says that I shouldn’t just let someone else control me like he does, but then I am so turned on and so happy when he does take control.

When we arrived at the swing club, he poured us some water since the bartender wasn’t around. I had said I was thirsty and I couldn’t wait until the water was poured. But, rather than hand it to me, he took a drink first. I wanted to say something as I was so thirsty, but the look he gave me said it all. “I want to make sure you remember your place,” he said to me. I went weak in the knees.

All last night, I found that being his slut was hotter than anything else. I realized that while we do sometimes like swinging with others, there are times like last night where the real kink being satisfied out at the swing club is that I’m his whore, and he gets to show off just what I will do for him. He gets to talk to me like I’m a dirty slut in front of everyone and I don’t object but instead am obviously turned on. I follow his command without hesitation or argument when he tells me to suck his cock, or take my clothes off, or come.

I have moments when I worry that some people are judging me for being such a whore. But then I get so turned on by it that I forget to feel embarrassed. While some might judge me, I think that most people find how I am to be phenomenally hot. The single men at the club are all eager to talk to us in the hopes of joining in. I’m not gorgeous, I’m fat and flabby, but I am a sex goddess there. And I am his. He gets to be the guy who has control over this nymph who wants to fuck and fuck and fuck. (And the reason I want to fuck and fuck and fuck is because I’m so fucking turned on by him.) We’re parts of a whole. It’s a dynamic. I give up control, he takes control and we’re both happy in those states.

Just when I thought I was tired from coming, I’d look into his eyes again and I’d start breathing shallowly and I’d ache for him to touch me and make me come. He can make me come without even touching any of the typical erogenous zones. For me, the hottest part of sex is the mind-fuck, the control. While the stimulation of my pussy is wonderful, the fact that he controls when I come makes the fucking amazingly more intense. I realized last night that being submissive and kinky really are integral parts of my personality. As my Dom, he fulfills me so much that I am willing to struggle with insecurity and jealousy because sharing him with others is still way better than not having him in my life. I think I’m also starting to grow more secure. I’ve been making a concerted effort to focus on the positive and I have started noticing things I’d ignore before in favor of dwelling on the negative. I noticed last night, truly noticed and internalized, how much he enjoys being with me. And I’m starting to see that his wanting to spend time with others doesn’t diminish that. Since I’ve grown so very fond of DeeDee, I can totally see why he wants to spend time with her. And that makes it easier to go busy myself with something else when they want time alone. (She does the same for me.)

Is this a breakthrough or just the hyper-happiness of PMS? I really hope it’s the former.

Unlike most entries I’m not really telling the story of what sex acts we did last night. It just doesn’t seem as interesting to me as capturing what goes on mentally. He made me suck his cock and he choked me on it in front of everyone. He fingered me to orgasm in front of an audience, he made me come by just stroking my legs, butt, hip and breasts. He made me come over and over, uncontrollably. I squirted a huge puddle a couple of times. He fucked me hard and spanked me with the hard wooden paddle. He let some random guy eat me out, and I didn’t so much come from his abilities (which were ok but not great) but I came from knowing I was doing it because I’m MasterDoc’s slut. He made me come with my pants on just by grabbing my hair and talking dirty to me. I was so afraid I’d squirt in my pants!

I just kept thinking about how I’m really his whore and I will do nearly anything for him. That sort of power strikes me as scary at some moments, but I always come back to the key point that makes it not scary – he would never do anything to truly hurt me. He pushes my limits. He gets me to do things I thought I would never do, but he has never, not once done anything damaging to me. And even on the rare occasions where something didn’t quite work, he is fast to talk things over and make sense of what the issue was so he could avoid it in the future. Sometimes I think that it’s weird for a modern, feminist woman to be so deeply devoted to him, but I am.

The title of this entry came from MasterDoc, who of course got the line from George Orwell’s novel 1984. Near the end of the story, the main character (Winston) is locked up by the totalitarian government. They make him betray his love, Julia, by scaring him to death with something he fears the most (I want to say it was rats but I can’t recall). They make him break down and tell them that he wants them to do this horrible thing to Julia, not him. They make Winston betray her. MasterDoc has a knack for talking about something kinky and difficult and possibly painful, and he is good at making DeeDee and I encourage him to do it to the other, as long as he’s not doing it to us. He thinks this is hot. lol He really does like having power and control, doesn’t he?