Archive for the 'libido' Category

Bad Sex, A Date, Neon Wand, and Bondage

Published on December 4, 2011 in bdsm, bisexuality, blow jobs, bondage, caning, D/s, dating, dom, electrosex/tens unit, forced orgasm, happy, horny, kink, lesbian, libido, masochism, neon wand, non-monogamy, poly, restraints, sadism, sex, sex toys, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

The rest of the week, I had a busy but decent time at work. MasterDoc made me come a lot on Thursday evening just before DeeDee got home. (Actually, the time overlapped a little.) I love when he makes me delirious from pounding me hard and making me come over and over.

Friday night we had something we so rarely have – bad sex. Perhaps bad isn’t the right term for it, but for whatever reason I couldn’t get into it. He was in a rough mood and wanted to cane me, but, quite unusually, I wasn’t in a rough mood. (When this discrepancy in mood occurs it’s usually the other way around.) We played, but I had a hard time getting wet and wasn’t anywhere near coming while he fucked me. It’s such a strange experience the few times this sort of thing has occurred. MasterDoc told me not to worry about it, and for once I managed pretty well to not worry. After all, if someone else was asking my advice on the same topic, I’d tell them not to worry as sometimes things just don’t click sexually. It doesn’t mean anything ominous. We all have “off” nights. Considering how much fantastic sex we have the few times it’s not fantastic are barely remarkable.

I had a girl date the next day with a woman who contacted me on a dating site. She’s poly, identifies as bi but hasn’t done much (if any) dating women yet. We met at a small restaurant in Manhattan (that describes pretty much every restaurant in Manhattan) and had gluhwein – mulled, spiced wine. It was so yummy. I’ve looked up recipes but my lazy ass hasn’t gotten the ingredients together yet. The restaurant was quirky and the food was mostly French or German. I wasn’t sure how the date was going until she brought up my allergy to cats and she mentioned unfortunately she and her husband have two. She said she’d like me to be able to come over to her place sometime though. I grinned broadly. I told her that my level of allergic reaction does vary from cat to cat, and some cause only minimal distress. It wouldn’t hurt to try. The goodbye was my usual hug and air smooch by her cheek. I nearly worked up the chutzpah to kiss her properly just before we parted ways, but it ended up a slightly awkward moment, as I think a moment too late she realized I was trying to go in for an extra goodbye.

I think I need a theme song that will play here on any post where I do the lesbian sheep dance (see paragraph 8 on at the link). Any ideas? I like to think of Joan Jett’s “AC/DC” as my general theme song.

I enjoyed Saturday night with MasterDoc. I’m happy to report the sex was totally different than the night before. We tried the neon wand again, since it seemed pretty weak the first time. I say it’s no substitute for a violet wand really, but it can hurt, so as a toy in its own right I liked it. Not to mention it’s far cheaper than a violet wand. (This makes me think of MasterDoc’s pointing out that there’s a “Dom arms race” on – it seems like dominant men keep acquiring more and more impressive, expensive toys to try to outdo the others. His big purchase was the sybian.

I wore my wrist cuffs which we’ve been doing more of lately. I was over the moon when he decided to cuff my hands above my head, attached to the bed frame. This sort of thing turns me on so much! I have been trying to get him to do things like this for a while. (Maybe next will be a little physical struggle or pushing me up against a wall?) His bed is a large silver frame that looks like so many pipes joined together. It’s ideal for bondage. I’ve tried to get MasterDoc to try this for a long time, but he’s usually not fond of bondage because he wants me to be able to do all sorts of things to him.

We worked around it though. He tormented me with the neon wand for a while, threatening to put it inside my cunt. This panicked me slightly – it was a great mind fuck. I begged him, “Please, please Sir, don’t do that! Please!” I’m sure my wiggling and begging were a delight to him. He pointed out that it’s when the wand is slightly away from flesh that it sparks, and being in constant contact like it would be inside me it probably wouldn’t hurt at all.

He surveyed my position and wondered aloud if he could hold himself in position over my head long enough to get his ass licked. He decided he wouldn’t be able to hold it long enough to make it worthwhile. I’m glad he moved on to a plan b and came over to stick his cock in my mouth. He also lifted up his balls so I could lick them, and he seemed to enjoy even just resting his balls on my face while he stroked his cock.

He fucked me, and it was so hot to know I couldn’t get away. I realized that’s sorta silly since I wouldn’t try to get away anyway! But the helplessness is hot. He fucked me and it was like extra stimulation to have my wrists bound. I came like crazy. Since my arms weren’t free I couldn’t use them to hold my legs up. I worked muscles I don’t usually to keep them up. He made me come repeatedly and I held my legs up without support for much longer than I thought I would be able to do. I had a goofy grin on my face after.

Come Again?

Published on November 20, 2011 in bdsm, cunt, D/s, flogging, forced orgasm, happy, horny, kink, libido, masochism, masturbation, orgasm on command, restraints, sex, sex toys, shio, spanking, squirting, submissive, trust and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Posting has been thin because I’ve been sick. I didn’t have the energy for orgasms, or writing this week. I wanted to though!

But Saturday I got some alone time with MasterDoc and I’m finally feeling much better. He put my cuffs on my wrists. The collar stayed off until we got to the bedroom. We put on some kinky porn (a full length Device Bondage clip on pornhub – I selected it). It was pretty damn hot. I got up for a moment to get something and complained that I didn’t want to miss any. MasterDoc paused the clip, went into the playroom and came back with his small flogger.

“Want to know what you missed? This is what you missed,” and he started flogging my tits. It made me giggle until the left nipple got a particularly sharp crack that made me wince. We smiled and got back to the porn.

Soon we realized that moving to the bedroom was overdue. We moved his laptop so we could continue the porn. I love how her helplessness in bondage is brought up by the Dom. If that was me I’d be so on the edge of coming if it was pointed out that I was secured. I still remember playing around with bondage with my first boyfriend. (Oh gawd, that was just over 20 years ago. I feel old.) He tied me to his bed with his school ties (Catholic school boys are freaks). I would come even harder whenever I pulled at the bonds and felt held down.

Yes, I’ve been kinky as long as I can remember. That was just the first time I got to do those things with another person.

There was no bondage for me today, but MasterDoc did have me sit on the bed with my hands behind my head while he flogged my tits, thighs, tummy and pussy. Someone recently expressed concern (not to me directly) that I’m some abused, broken woman after reading this blog. As he flogged me and I thought about how much I enjoyed it, I shook my head (internally, not literally) and wondered how our fun and games could be so misconstrued.

MasterDoc decided we should take a break to cuddle while we watched the porn. I played with my clit and I could tell he was stroking his cock behind me. Unexpectedly, he told me to come. Holy shit. I hadn’t been anywhere close to orgasm but I came within seconds. He gently but firmly grabbed my hair as I squirted a load of hot girl come on the throe. I was surprised by how much I squirted. Squirting seems really sporadic for me recently, but I certainly needed rehydration after this afternoon.

Huzzah!

He wanted to fuck me, and watch the porn, so we set up the bed. I was on my knees and could not wait for him to put his penis inside me. While I kinda wanted to watch the porn, I totally forgot about it when he started fucking me hard. He’d slap my ass a bit and then plow into me with his cock. I wanted to come so badly, but I waited until he gave permission.

Once he did there was no stopping me. The woman in the porn was on a sybian, and I marveled at how, like that machine, MasterDoc can make me just come and come and come. Seriously. I can only imagine the fun we would have had had we met earlier, although I’m not sure I could have handled him at a much younger age than when I met him. I bit the throe for a while and tried to bury my ecstatic screams in the mattress. While the coming would ebb for a bit, he’d slap my ass and plow into me some more, and I would be delirious with orgasm once again.

I have no idea how long he made me come. Wonderfully long. As I collapsed next to him, I said, deadpan, “I’m so abused.” This was good for a chuckle. Why do I find it so funny? Because an abused woman isn’t being given lots of orgasms, followed by lots of cuddles. She doesn’t find her self-esteem growing as her relationship grows deeper with her man. I have to laugh at the absurdity of it or I’d be pretty pissed off by the assumption that I’m only with MasterDoc because… well I don’t even know why. He’s beaten me down? Er, no. He keeps me on tight leash? Hardly. (Although that might be hot now and then. *wink*) I’m dependent on him? Nope, I’m not. Only dependent in the sense that I turn to my chosen family for comfort, support and companionship. I depend on them for that.

I thought that was probably all, especially since MasterDoc has started feeling under the weather himself today. But the porn kept running and I soon buried my fingers in my pussy. He returned to the room after a few moments away to find me masturbating. We chatted a little, and I reached for the Hitachi. With his assistance, I came even harder than before. I think you can tell the depth of the orgasmic feeling by my voice during it – it was higher pitched for the orgasms during sex, but got really guttural when I came from the wand and his hand. As I started to come he pushed the head of the wand against me. Fuuuuck. He slipped fingers inside my cunt, and also touched various spots on my pelvis and thighs that send me reeling.

I squirted some more. And lay spent. I gave him a fuzzy smile.

Surely we were finished.

I can’t recall how it came about, but the man made me come again. I’m just such a poor unfortunate soul aren’t I?

Hell no, I’m a very sexually satisfied woman.

Cuddles and caressing his the “spot” on his chest topped off a very pleasurable afternoon. (I’ve discussed the spot before. This patch of hair in the center of his chest that is just so wonderful to pet.)

Anxiety is Not a Good Party Guest

Published on July 30, 2011 in anxiety, bdsm, crazy, D/s, depression, dom, embarrassment, emotions, libido, mental illness, neurosis, sex, sex parties, sex toys, stress, swinging, sybian and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

When I have a bout of angst and body issues, I sure know how to do it up.

MasterDoc and I went to a private party last night. We had partied at this person’s house before, he’s someone MasterDoc has known in the scene for many years. You’d think with my recent weight loss I’d feel like hot shit and all sort of confident. Last time I went to a party there (a couple of summers ago) I had a great time and ate out some cute woman by the edge of the pool among other things. You would think that I’d run with more abandon now that I’m not quite the “fat chick” anymore.

You would think that, but you would be wrong.

This time, there seemed to be a preponderance of hot, young people there. So many pretty women I’d gladly have made out with, but because of my overwhelming anxieties I didn’t get anywhere close. Instead I just saw many of them make out with each other as I yearned from the sidelines.

Social anxiety is something I often have, but I had long prided myself on being the first person naked at a sex party. Talking to strangers is hard, but getting naked and fucking them is not so hard. But last night I was convinced that I look worse now than when I was much heavier. The sagging skin I have from the weight loss got blown out of all proportion in my mind. The fact that I’m nearly 40 and so many women there were in their 20s intimidated the hell out of me. They were fit, with perky breasts. I felt like I’d look horrible in comparison. My clothes were on way more often than they were off.

To add to my mishegos was the fact that many of them seemed to know each other and were comfortable flirting with each other or just diving in. I felt like I was invisible much of the night. I’m sure MasterDoc was right when he told me it was because of the vibe I was giving off. But at the time I was convinced it was because I’m ugly and no one had the least amount of interest in me.

The evening started off okay. I felt awkward from second one, but I chatted lightly with a few people. I’m sure, however, that my social discomfort was showing already. I felt better when MasterDoc and I made out in the corner while two of the guests were serenaded with “Happy Birthday.” I had mentioned that I felt clingy emotionally, and early in the evening it sounded like he and I would get some quality time together, at least for part of the evening. He and I had had some cuddles alone earlier. At one point he took me into a bedroom and we stepped over the people getting it on on the floor and he fingered me to orgasm on the bed. Soon, the couple on the floor were taking over the bed, and as the woman was a pretty, young, firm-bodied blonde I felt soooooo intimidated. I felt like I must look like a sack of shit next to her.

What’s so bizarre is that my sense of attractiveness see-saws like crazy lately. When I did my make up for the evening I felt awesome. Put me around young, hot people I don’t know, and that crumbled. And not everyone there was hot or young. But somehow in my mind I was the ugliest thing on earth.

Things took another wrong turn when I thought perhaps MasterDoc and I were going to really play, but he got distracted setting up the sybian. I truly have grown to fucking hate that machine. It feels amazing to ride, but you try going to party after party with it and sitting around bored and ignored while your Dom gives women rides. I wouldn’t care if people just used it themselves and we merely provided it. But as it gets used at parties now, I HATE that thing.

MasterDoc didn’t mean anything by getting distracted. He has ADD and truly can’t help it most of the time. But in my mental state I just shut down. “Oh this is yet another party where I’m going to be ignored.” When my mood became apparent, MasterDoc focused his attention on me, but then that made me feel like it was just a case of, “Here Nadia, take your vibe, get yourself off while I watch. That will shut you up for the rest of the night.” I could not get into it at all. My view of it was terribly skewed, but arousal was not possible when I felt like such a troll.

Rather than watch the sybian rides and feel bored and left out, I took off on my own. I sat and did stuff on my phone, realizing that if there was any time I was giving off a “Don’t talk to me vibe,” it was probably then. Meanwhile, I would have been thrilled if someone talked to me. A young guy did for a bit. I wasn’t into him and I doubt very much he was into me, but he was at least friendly and nice, so I did my best effort to be chatty and friendly. It was a nice break from sitting alone.

MasterDoc had asked me to check in with him now and then, so I went to the basement and waited until he finished giving a sybian ride, checked in, and then went upstairs. I felt like eating. I mostly stuck to fruit but I had more cake than I should have. I wanted to drown my feelings in food. (Now you see how I got fat in the first place!) I felt so awful about myself, that I didn’t even go for a dip in the pool – and I love swimming. Late in the evening most people were walking around naked or semi-naked and I still had my sun dress on. I felt conspicuous, but I figured I look much better with my clothes on these days. And no one was giving me a second glance.

Yeah, the evening mostly sucked because I was filled with anxiety. What a waste. This morning I could see how I was blowing my body issues out of proportion. Sure, the loose skin is not attractive, but it’s also not as noticeable as I think it is. But around young 20-something women with the perkiest tits this side of the Mississippi, I feel ugly.

One funny point, although I’m not 100% sure that what I thought took place did. I was a bit intoxicated and a few feet away. But some guy started talking to this chubby woman and somehow seemed to think she was the “kinky librarian.” He mentioned seeing the name on the list, and wondering who that was, he wanted to meet her. I think that woman let him believe she was me. And you’d think someone pretending to be me would boost my self-esteem. It was very strange. I was tempted to go over and introduce myself, but then I wasn’t quite sure what went on in that conversation. So, dude, if you’re reading this, I was the mopey, tall brunette who stayed dressed most of the evening.

There was a break in the sybian rides, and MasterDoc and I found a room to be alone in. I got some cuddles, but pointed out that what would have been even better is if he had brought our toy bag along and fucked me silly. He noticed the condoms on the bedside table, and pointed out that we could still have fun without all our accoutrements. He fucked me silly. I was screaming in orgasm. It’s a wonder the whole house didn’t come up to see. He kept me coming and coming and suddenly my body issues melted away while I was enveloped in orgasm. Alas, they came right back after. But he made me feel spectacular, and the sex was the redeeming feature of the evening.

Reconnecting

Published on June 26, 2011 in anal, anxiety, bdsm, crazy, cunt, D/s, dating, depression, edge play, emotions, forced orgasm, kink, libido, masochism, needle play, non-monogamy, orgasm on command, prostate massage, sadism, sex, sex toys, stress, the writer and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

It’s been a crazy week. My hormones have had their way with me via premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). I’ve learned to contain the craziness fairly well, but it’s still a hellish week for me. I’m gonna be trying a new birth control pill and see if that one helps.

MasterDoc had been away the previous weekend, and with my emotional state I really needed to reconnect when he got back. He didn’t quite pick up on this, and decided to do play piercing. I was scared and I ultimately knew I couldn’t handle it that night. But what do you say to your Dom? Plus there’s plenty of times I was scared before intense play but in the end enjoyed it.

We got in a little cuddling, but not nearly enough for me. He had me bent over the Liberator Axis and planned to pierce my labia. I cringed. He wiped off one side of my labia with an alcohol wipe. And he told me, “You have to keep still, slut.”

Even though I knew the pain would be too much for me that night (whereas he’s done this before and I could handle it), I did my best to hold still and ride it out. As the needle slipped into my flesh I screamed. Truly screamed. Despite this being manageable on another day, it overwhelmed me and made me miserable. I didn’t feel the type of fear that arouses me, but I felt actually afraid that he might do it again. This did nothing to turn me on. I did have a slight endorphin rush, however, but not enough to lift my mood.

MasterDoc realized his misstep and didn’t pierce me again, and he soon removed the one needle from my body. He moved on to regular sex, and while it was good to have sex, I had such a hard time feeling connected and getting aroused. I think I did manage to have an orgasm eventually, but not without a lot of work. We talked after, and he agreed that when he’s been away for a few days and I’m in the midst of PMDD it’s not the best time to do some intense play.

On Wednesday I saw the writer again (the guy of the last entry who I’ve decided to call “the writer”). I managed to contain the anxiety of the PMDD and enjoy watching silly dvds with him. We fucked again and it was terrific, but I was too tired to do it more than once. He crashed at my place and I dropped him near the subway on my way to work the next morning.

Friday night I was content just for cuddles with MasterDoc. I was feeling exceptionally fatigued from the PMDD and went to bed pretty early. On Saturday the PMDD started to wane a bit. I got the evening entirely alone with MasterDoc. We talked, reconnected and I expressed how I wish he’d touch me more actively. He did more of that and it helped me feel soothed and connected. I noticed that we seem to lay a bit apart during foreplay these days, and I wish that he’d press his body up against mine more often. These are all things that can be dealt with. Even in the midst of PMDD I was able to realize that my feeling of disconnect from him was temporary, but it was still a relief to feel connected to him again. The physical contact helps the feeling of emotional connection.

I wasn’t feeling quite as fragile emotionally, so I was enthusiastic when he told me to hang my head over the edge of the bed. This could only mean that he’d fuck my throat. This is hot although his balls tend to fall over my nose in this position and it’s hard to focus on opening my throat when I’m suffocating! He held them out of the way and I was able to keep his cock inside my throat for longer, although eventually my body forced it out. We didn’t do this for long but I enjoy it – perhaps all women wouldn’t but I do.

Soon after, he fucked me and made me come so much. I really thought that my arms would collapse from holding my legs up as he pounded away at me from on top. In the time he’s been having testosterone supplements his cock has become even more amazing. My vagina of steel doesn’t push his cock out as often as it used to. I can’t tell you how great an orgasm is when he can keep plumbing the depths of my cunt with his penis while I come. He managed to make me come even past the point where I thought I could. If the peak of arousal ebbed a little, he went at it a little harder or deeper until my face was contorted in ecstasy.

At some point, he made me come just by massaging my hand. I really hope all my readers out there find someone (if they haven’t already) who can do this to them.

He wanted to come and it has to be a targeted activity when he does. He had me get between his legs to play with his thighs and ass, and I playfully started kneading his butt with my toes (they were nearby at that moment). I not only have magic fingers but my toes seem to do a pretty good job too. I joked that this was probably the first time that there was a foot job and a foot fetish didn’t play into it at all.

I worked at that until my thighs were too sore from holding me upright and using my toes dexterously at the same time. I asked him if I could switch to my hands, more as a sign of respect to my Sir than any anticipation of him saying no, and of course he told me I could.

I massaged his groin, ass and thighs. He stroked his hard cock at the same time and I would pay careful attention to his reactions. He changed his mind about not fucking again and had me get on top. It was all I could do to not rest all my weight on him as he made me come again. He thrust his hips up and poked my cervix over and over. Eventually, he said, “That’s enough for you, young lady.”

I resumed playing with his ass with the intention of helping him come. He had me grab the Bob butt plug and I worked it in after having loosened his ass up with my fingers. This plug is a little more flexible than I’d want, but I slid a finger in underneath it so I could press it against the prostate. A few times I thought MasterDoc might come, but it didn’t happen. We were then interrupted by a call from DeeDee letting him know when she and her daughter would be back at the apartment. Our attention turned to snacks and away from sex. I still wish I had made him come however.

DP

Published on May 17, 2011 in anal, analingus, bdsm, blow jobs, consensual non-consent, cunt, D/s, DeeDee, dom, dp, horny, kink, libido, masturbation, nipple clamps, non-monogamy, orgasm on command, poly, prostate massage, sex, sex toys, shio, slut, spanking, squirting, submissive, swinging, threesome and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

I’m a naughty girl and terribly behind in my blogging again. I took notes for two of the three encounters I’ve enjoyed since midweek, but fleshing them out has taken a backseat.

Last Wednesday I had a night alone with MasterDoc and he put the easier nipple clamps on (i.e., not clover clamps). I got into the pain. It wasn’t as unbearable as the clover clamps. He pinched and twisted them, too and placed the clamps’ chain between my teeth. The problem with that was I had to hold my head up off the pillow to reach the chain and a sore neck was not the intention.

I should mention that MasterDoc is a considerate Dom. If I speak up about something I’d like more of than we’ve been doing, he will take my wishes under consideration – and often the item at hand will come up in our sex soon after. The nipple play was a recent request – I’m not sure why that became something he didn’t really do for a while. Such things happen. I’ve also mentioned that I love his talking dirty to me. He did that on Wednesday and said he liked having my body to play with. I just swooned into his arms. He very nearly could have made me come there.

My neck was bothering me, and my body sore and tired from exercise and a long day, so we shifted to me using the Siri vibe on myself since needed to lay flat for a while. MasterDoc touched me to add that fabulous element to my masturbation, but in some respects he was too gentle. I missed the raw dirty talk he had been giving me just a short time before. That night, I had a hard time with getting and staying aroused. I blame the fatigue. I did come. Just not the way I usually do.

He fucked from on top with the blindfold on and while I suppose I often find that hot, I found that not being able to see him reduced my arousal. Phooey. As I’ve said, these things happen.

He fucked me doggy style next. Again I had problems getting and staying aroused. But he managed to push me to orgasm before we were through. Sometimes the push was verbal – yay more dirty talk! Finally, I helped him come via massaging his thighs and ass, then licked his asshole like he likes and finally finished things off with a prostate massage.

It’s kinda funny now to think that analingus was a hard limit when I filled in a bdsm checklist when I first met MasterDoc.

Saturday night we had fabulous sex that lifted me from the mild depression I was in. I didn’t take notes. My sieve-like brain can’t remember details. Yeah I suck. But the sex was awesome and you will just have to trust me. Unfortunately, when we went back to hanging out after the sex my mildly depressed and rather withdrawn mood returned. Ordinarily there would have been another round, but I felt so tired from the depression that I wasn’t up to it.

On Sunday, we had over another Dom who contacted MasterDoc on fetlife after reading my profile where I say that if a Dom wants to play with me, they should contact my Dom as it’s his decision. This was perfect timing since we’ve come to realize that I need someone to play with so I get enough sex – and that totally vanilla sex probably wouldn’t work for me for an ongoing fuck buddy situation. I have a high sex drive, and while MasterDoc certainly does too, he likes variety and dates or fucks various women so his high libido is shared with many.

Well this other Dom is a very attractive guy, in his 40s, and really into rough sex and being down and dirty. I don’t usually go for athletic builds (it’s not on my list of must have criteria in a man, though it’s certainly not a deal breaker or anything) but I have to say I do appreciate the lean, muscled body this Dom has developed. He has experience wrestling and uses it to good effect in a bdsm setting. But perhaps I’m jumping ahead…..

MasterDoc had me sitting on floor at his feet when “another Dom” came in. (I need a pseudonym for him.) DeeDee answered the door in her sexy maid’s outfit – I find the maid outfit embarrassing on me, but DeeDee loves the theatricality of it.

We talked for a bit – mostly he and MasterDoc – and then MasterDoc indicated we should adjourn to the bedroom. I don’t get MFM threesomes often, and damn I enjoy them. MasterDoc had me start off by sucking his cock. During this he invited the guy over to grab my ass. (I was in a bra and sexy black slip.) The other guy slapped my ass – hard! He seems to have a heavier hand than most. Not sure I can handle such hard hits, which I spoke up about of course, as did MasterDoc and the guy laid off the hard spanks.

This guy goes for the gusto when having sex and after just a brief bit of dirty talk in my ear, he went for my pussy and decided to see if I truly do squirt. His fingers made me come in no time. Of course I held off until MasterDoc told me to come. I squirted a whole lot. The throe was soaked.

Next I sucked the new guy’s cock. There was lots of gagging, with saliva flowing. He spit on my face – the first time I’d ever experienced it. I wasn’t sure if I’d like it but I did find it kinda hot. MasterDoc was uncomfortable that something as edgy as spitting would be brought in without negotiation (I concur). That got addressed a bit later.

MasterDoc fucked me while I sucked the guy’s cock. This was Hot! (With a capital “h”) Then they switched and the other guy fucked me while I sucked MasterDoc’s cock. (Again, hot with a capital “h.”) Next the guy fucked me up the ass (I seem to be making this “anal upon first meeting” thing a habit.) He made me come a whole lot while fucking my ass.

I can’t even begin to estimate how many times I came that evening.

We took a break, but as dinner had not yet arrived, after a conversation on limits we went back for more. MasterDoc suggested we try double penetration – I’ve never experienced it, just frustrating attempts. MasterDoc lay on the bed, I got on top of his cock, then the other guy went to work his cock into my ass. It was still hard to get proper angle – my butt’s a bit sore from where it was poked before he got it in. But the struggling was brief, and holy shit it worked! It felt… like I was being fucked in two holes at once. I know that sounds self-explanatory but it’s the only way I can think to describe it. While I felt quite filled it wasn’t uncomfortable like I had worried it would be. Both orifices expanded to make each penetration comfortable in and of itself. As they both fucked me I just kept on coming over and over. Good, primal, grunting and screaming orgasms.

After a break for dinner, the guy was up for one more fuck. We went into the bedroom and I sucked his cock, gagging on it. He had me lay on the bed and he fucked me from on top. He pinned me down – there’s that wrestler skill! – and fucked me like there’s no tomorrow. Dude is in shape. I couldn’t believe how long he fucked me at a hard, relentless pace. Most guys can’t do that. Of course, I loved it. He put his hand on face from time to time, holding my head to the side while he continued to fuck me. This was hot and would inevitably make me come harder. I began to wonder which of us would ask to stop first. He did, but I was pretty fucked-out by that time myself.

Since this went well, I’m free to schedule casual fucks with this guy when I have free time. Neither of us has a lot of free time, and who knows how often it will coincide, but it’s nice to think there’s another cock out there I can call on when I need something extra – a cock that comes with rough sex.

MasterDoc, the Cure for What Ails Me

Published on April 25, 2011 in anxiety, bdsm, bondage, caning, crazy, D/s, derangement, dom, emotions, forced orgasm, gags, kink, libido, masochism, neurosis, restraints, sex, sex parties, shio, spanking, squirting, trust and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

The rest of the weekend was uneven in quality. On Friday, I hung out with Blondie in SoHo and the east Village. I had a great time but carrying a too large, too heavy purse screwed up my back. MasterDoc was planning on schtuping me that night, which hadn’t happened since the previous Monday due to various plans and time constraints. With my back bothering me so much, I wasn’t up for it. I was frustrated to no end, but I couldn’t manage the pain of the back and staying in a sex position for too long. I tried to write it off considering the next evening I was going to be his date to a kink party. DeeDee was going with her other boyfriend.

MasterDoc did massage my back (isn’t he a nice Dom?) and cuddle a little, but PMDD was setting in and I felt abandoned when, my eyes closed while resting, he left me alone in the bedroom. The madness that can come with a particularly bad bout of PMDD was strong, and I started thinking… no, I started being convinced that MasterDoc was bored with me and/or no longer attracted to me. This resulted in a heavy depression on Saturday. I took a trip downtown to get my hair cut and found myself not having any impetus afterward to do anything but wander around in the rain until I could catch the next express bus. I tried to perk up in time for the party. MasterDoc was concerned about taking me out because of the depression, and unfortunately that proved founded.

All night, somehow our wires crossed and things ended up badly. I just kept longing for him to hug me, to cuddle me, to touch me and tell me everything was all right. I wanted him to play with me since it had been a little while and reestablishing that connection would feel so good to my depressed, insecure brain. On his end, he says that I put up walls and made it impossible to connect with me. I felt like he wasn’t really trying. Oy. We did connect for just long enough for him to make me come, and squirt a little, but when he became engrossed with watching another D/s couple play, I felt ignored and threatened because the other woman had a much hotter body than me. Meanwhile MasterDoc was enjoying watching the connection of the other couple because they seemed to have the sort of unspoken connection he and I so often have.

Please allow me to say, I don’t like myself when I’m depressed. I don’t like being depressed. With many people, I can hold off on getting downright hysterical, but I think because I trust MasterDoc so much I often suddenly direct any sadness and rage at him. I hate when I do this. At the time, the idea of being no longer attractive or interesting felt entirely real to me. I’m sure anyone reading this can see that it was just the PMDD.

The following morning was tearful. But thankfully I was ultimately able to realize that he wasn’t shunning me the night before (even if that’s how I felt) and I was probably putting up walls (even if I didn’t think I was) and that we love each other very much. My intense feelings of anger and sadness came out of worrying that he didn’t want me anymore. As ridiculous as that sounds it was insanely intense.

The depression lasted the rest of the weekend, but I was able to reconnect with MasterDoc. Having him cuddle me soothed my crazy brain. He took me into the bedroom and employed playing techniques that I had been clamoring for. Like the couple we saw the prior evening, he cuffed my hands behind my back, and he used a strip of duct tape to gag me. I lay over the Liberator Axis and he gave me a good caning. My pain tolerance was lousy and I wished I could move out of the way – but with my hands behind me I couldn’t push myself up. I couldn’t even wiggle out of the way. I had to trust that he would judge the right amount of pain to induce an endorphin rush. While the caning hurt like the dickens, I think it had the right effect on my brain chemistry.

He told me to get up on hands and knees, and I mumbled through the gag that I couldn’t get on my hands with them behind my back. I was still gagged, and struggling to breathe slowly through the one clear nostril I had. (You see, if you breathe in too sharply your nasal passage narrows.) He slipped a condom on and fucked me with my arms secured behind my back. It was so worth waiting for. He fucked me long and hard. I know that phrase is totally overused but it’s the best description. He kept pounding me until I couldn’t hold back and I came. It was a magnificent orgasm, but I felt like I was suffocating and that abruptly stopped my body and compelled me to manage to move my arms around to the side just enough to rip off the duct tape. MasterDoc joked that he’s a doctor and wouldn’t let anything happen to me. If I passed out he’d be there. I know breath play can be hot but it often just makes me anxious. He understood that the anxiety was too much. He fucked me again, with my wrists released and the tape off, and that time I had every possible orgasm wrung from my body.

My depression was lifted for the entire time I was fucking and coming. Hey, how could I feel depressed mid-orgasm? (Although if it’s possible I’m sure I can do it.) After cuddles to further soothe my savage soul he had me get on top. We tried doing it with my cuffs linked but I couldn’t lean forward onto my hands and as a result my hips and thighs got such a workout that I was promptly exhausted. MasterDoc put me on the bottom, and he fucked me silly again. I’ve always loved sex with MasterDoc, but holy fuck now that he gets testosterone supplements and he’s lost some weight he can fuck harder and longer. It’s wonderfully bewildering to have a Dom in his mid-50′s fuck better than guys half his age.

I felt better having reconnected and gotten fucked. My hormones still raged and I found myself feeling teary, but thankfully I was no longer aiming my mad and sad feelings at MasterDoc. (He should be made the first Jewish saint for dealing with my anger when I’m depressed. It hurts him, even if he knows it’s just the chemical imbalance talking.) Feeling his skin pressed against me is soothing. While he can’t magically cure my PMDD, he has the capacity to make it better, even if only for a little while.

Heh. Saint MasterDoc, patron saint of wayward women. (By the way, I managed to leave out of the flow of the story that I blew him for a while, and then later in the evening I helped him come with prostate massage. So my Sir did get direct appreciation shown for him putting up with me.)

Back to Normal

Published on March 17, 2011 in anxiety, bdsm, blow jobs, consensual non-consent, D/s, emotions, forced orgasm, happy, libido, musings, non-monogamy, orgasm on command, sex, sex toys, shio, squirting, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Somehow, I rediscovered my submissive spirit after the rough bit over the weekend. It was a relief to both myself and MasterDoc for things between us to seem normal again. A guy I’m talking to on a dating site has read through this blog a bit, and named a post he liked – and the funny thing is, it’s from October 2009 and I was talking about how hard it is to submit when it’s not how YOU want to submit back then too. The struggle goes on.

I focused on being good while at MasterDoc’s Wednesday night. I tried to be obedient when needed. I tried to be calm when addressing him. I felt joy in being submissive. Some days are like that, I love it. Other days are a huge struggle. I’ve been examining why I get so self-centered and I think my mother’s influence has a lot to do with it. My father is a very giving, generous person. I do have some of that in me, but my mother is self-centered – and took advantage of my father many times. So I think the combination of learning behavior from her, and having to be selfish and focus on myself since she never did, has led to my horribly spoiled, self-centered moments. I was spoiled while growing up. (An only child til my brother surprised us all and came along when I was 11.) But also, my mother was a tad verbally abusive, emotionally distant and unpredictable (so unpredictable!). I find myself to be two seemingly contradictory things at once. I have times when I’m really generous with my friends and am happy to do so. I have other times when I obsess with things evening out. (Usually the closer I am to someone the more I worry about such things. I think it’s the whole “you can be at your worst with those who love you most” thing.)

It reminds me of how sometimes people ask how I can reconcile the kinky slut with the librarian. The thing is, I don’t need to reconcile them. They are both part of the same person. I can be wonderful and I can be a real shit. These things are both true about me. I can be intelligent, professional, slutty, kinky, shy, exhibitionist, etc. all at once. All in one package. The descriptors are many.

But on to the sex! I probably won’t see MasterDoc for several days, so I was eager to get laid. (When am I not?) I realized last night that I truly love sucking his cock. I would be disappointed if I wasn’t allowed to do it. He commented that he should make me beg for it then. I focused on loving having his cock in my mouth and I managed to get him to say, “You suck a mean cock!”

“I was hoping you’d say that,” I said with a grin.

We played with some cock choking and I find at times that I can hold him deep in my throat for a moment and not gag. But eventually I need to breathe and start to gag. I think I’m still surprised that I like the gagging so much. He holds my head down on his cock and I love that he’s “making me” do it at that point. I love when I gasp for air and the saliva flows. Right after the deep breath I go right back to sucking his cock.

We were back in sync last night and MasterDoc had no trouble making me come several ways. He wrenched orgasms out of me until I reached exhaustion. (I honestly thought he might succeed in making me pass out. I kept holding my breath as I came, but then my body would make me gasp when it became too much.) He made me come from just stroking my body and talking to me. He pushed orgasm out of orgasm out of me with his probing fingers in my pussy. If the orgasm started to decline, he did something different to put me right back in the midst of deep orgasm again. He fucked me and made me come. He realized that part of what was upsetting about the weekend is that he had suddenly “lost” the ability to make me come whenever he wants. Saturday night was truly a weird night. I’m happy to say he hadn’t lost his skill.

At some point, we talked about working in (to my cunt) the large Randy dildo again sometime. He warmed me up a bit the one time we played with it but not quite enough for it to feel good. He asked if he started with smaller penetrative toys and worked his way up. I told him I didn’t think so.

“That was dumb,” he blurted out. “Oh, did I say that aloud?” I smiled because his ability to admit his own mistakes is one of the many things I love about him. (I must add, that in retrospect I think he DID use smaller penetrative toys before that big dildo. Just not for long enough.)

A cuddle after sex and many orgasms led to him making me come again from stroking my arms and legs. I am so lucky! Devoid of selfish worries and depressive episodes, I realized how utterly happy he makes me. While sharing him can be difficult, he is so wonderful that having him part time is better than having him no time. I took the time to savor the feeling of him against me. I’ll try to recall it this weekend when I don’t see him. His touch seems to release some sort of fabulous chemicals in my brain.

After sex, I got MasterDoc a snack from the kitchen, and was reminded that I still needed to clean up after dinner. (The dishwasher had been running, and since his is a little counter top one that gets water directly from the faucet, I had to put off any other cleaning til the cycle was done.) While I cleaned up, I thought about service. I realized that on some level, I should think that I’m doing these little annoying tasks so that the man I love, who makes me really happy, doesn’t have to. I think I struggle with such selflessness though because I have constant subconscious worries that I will be taken advantage of, that I won’t get my needs met. Again, this seems to stem from my upbringing and NOT from life with MasterDoc. So I continue to work on finding the joy in submission. It’s there. I just don’t always open myself up to it. While I’m afraid of truly being selfless, I think learning it to a reasonable extent would be very good for me.

Rethinking Service

Published on March 14, 2011 in anxiety, bored, D/s, emotions, horny, libido, musings, non-monogamy, orgasm on command, poly, sex, sex parties, slump, stress, submissive, swinging and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

On Saturday night MasterDoc and I went out to the swing club. We rarely go on Saturday nights, and it’s a couples-only night. The vibe is completely different than the “single guys allowed” nights we usually go to. On our usual nights, putting on a show and indulging our exhibitionist tendencies is mostly what we do. We wouldn’t object to a couple to swing with, but we realize it’s less likely on those nights. We noticed that on couples’ night the couples are “better” (to our perception at least) than the couples who come on singles nights. (What does that say about us? Heh. We like to put on a show and have me groped by random guys.)

Early in the evening, while I was feeling distinctly in the mood for some Dom/sub type of play, I focused on being the loving girlfriend in the swing situation. We had a lovely time making out for a bit. I did my best to show off how good he makes me feel in case I could pique some lady’s interest.

It was nice, but we didn’t talk to any couples and none of them spoke to us. We’re both shyer than you would think. (Not shy about nudity, shy about talking.) I started to get rather bored. When we finally went off to fool around, I found it hard to get fully aroused. I enjoyed the sweet kissing and touching, but when MasterDoc tried to make me come I had to struggle to come a while after he gave permission. I had a bout of crankiness. I just couldn’t get into the evening and my inner brat came out. I wanted rough sex when gentle sex was on the menu. I was bored and totally didn’t handle the accompanying frustration well. MasterDoc gave me a stern talking to, and I did my best to refocus and enjoy the evening. I didn’t want to ruin it for either of us.

I struggled. I was disappointed that my evening was fairly sex-free when I was craving lots of bdsm and sex goodness. I wanted an evening of fucking – wherever we were. But the sex was slow to come. When MasterDoc did fuck me, I just couldn’t get into it. He was frustrated because he thinks that I mentally set myself up to not come. I don’t think I did that, at least not consciously. The sex hurt, which seems to happen now and then lately if my cunt isn’t well warmed up first, and my cervix in particular was hyper-sensitive. I did my best mentally to get into it, and I asked him not to go too deep, but there was no way in hell I could get aroused enough to come. He told me that in swing situations I can come at will, but even after hearing his voice tell me to come, I couldn’t. I couldn’t even get close. It was a miserable experience for both of us, not because I didn’t have an orgasm, but because fucking was downright unpleasant. Our fucking is rarely short of spectacular.

The next day we discussed things, and I was feeling self-righteous and angry over my perceived reduction in sex lately with MasterDoc. (He had spent the night before with a playmate of his. They went to the club and she slept over his place.) He explained that I don’t get less sex. I’m not entirely sure that’s true, at least not back in the days before he started seeing DeeDee and his current plethora of playmates. The discussion left me depressed (just mood-wise, not illness-wise), but I did try to not let it get to me. Over time, I had to admit to myself that it was bratty of me to have a fit the night before. I started to examine my attitudes towards service to my Dom. I started looking at how I react when I don’t get what I want right away. Delayed gratification has never been my strong point.

It’s easy to serve when it’s kinky and stimulating for me. It’s much harder to be patient when he goes off with others or the goal seems to be a swap rather than sex together. I’m all for serving when and how it suits me – but I struggle with other types of service. I’m probably not the first sub to have this problem, and if any of you have suggestions let me know. I struggle with things that seem to “take away” from my time with him. I found myself craving sexual submission on Saturday night, but that’s not what my Dom needed from me.

I need to find a friend with benefits for regular fucking to augment what I get with MasterDoc. And/or a service top to play with. MasterDoc is polyamorous and will always be, so if my 38-year-old libido needs more fucking, then I need to get additional fucking elsewhere. Perhaps if I was getting laid more often then I wouldn’t get so insecure, needy and cranky.

At any rate, I realized that I needed to work on my submissive service. I need to work on submitting when it’s hard. I did my best tonight to make things easier for DeeDee who just came home and has a bunch of furniture to move in. I made dinner and cleaned up so MasterDoc and DeeDee could get stuff done. It’s a small step, but I’m going to continue to examine my service skills.

On Sunday, we had sex twice and it was just as wonderful as usual.

Private Play

Published on March 12, 2011 in bdsm, cunt, D/s, forced orgasm, libido, masturbation, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, sex, sex toys, spanking, Uncategorized and wartenburg wheel. 0 Comments

After our night out, MasterDoc got busy with work and spending time with DeeDee before she went away for a few days again. Thursday evening I got him to myself, and to my delight we were both in playful moods.

Our sex isn’t always a serious, Dom/sub affair. MasterDoc has a sense of humor, a sense of silliness (as do I) and sometimes passionate touches can be followed shortly after with a silly face designed to make me laugh. While I like when he’s rough with me, I also treasure the times when he feels affectionate and sweet.

We fooled around a bit, and I played with my cunt as he watched closely. There’s something so hot about him laying at the end of the bed, perched in the perfect spot to see my spread legs and watch as I rub my cunt. His piercing gaze makes me feel so exposed. I was so horny that when he said, “I just wanna fuck,” I replied enthusiastically that that’s what I wanted as well. I wanted his cock inside me. I wanted to be fucked. I could dispense with the other trappings of bdsm for the evening.

Of course, he still spanks my ass a bit while fucking me from behind. But he fucked me so long and so hard that I couldn’t help but come – even before he gave permission. It was another in an ever-lengthening line of phenomenal sex we’ve had. I collapsed when he was done with me and was probably incoherent for the better part of a few minutes.

I was still randy, but MasterDoc had just worked a tremendous amount of hours over the past couple of days, so while I couldn’t hide my disappointment at not having more sex, I did acquiesce and try not to make a big deal out of it. The man is human and totally has a right to be too tired for extra sex after working so hard.

The next day he ensured I went home feeling content. He had plans in the evening with his playmate, so we didn’t fuck, but he made sure I came like crazy. He used the vampire gloves, the textured rubber gloves and the Wartenburg wheel on my body. I loved the sensations, but when it came time to come, I had a hard time doing it. The textured or spiked gloves can feel sensual, or they can feel uncomfortable. And since these sensations alternate, my trip to orgasm is not a straight line while playing with those toys.

But MasterDoc made sure I had some amazing orgasms before I left. He had me select a dildo for him to use on me, and he gave me the magic wand. I wasn’t allowed to turn the wand on at first, and he took to my thighs with a wooden ruler. He lubed up the dildo and slid it in to me. I was worked up by the time he let me switch the wand on (I like it on low most of the time.) As he fucked me with the dildo, and the vibrations danced on my clit, he reminded me that I had to ask permission to come. I tried teasing myself a little bit, but soon begged for orgasm. He made me hold off as I moaned in frustration. When he did let me come, it was a tremendous orgasm. I love when I lose all control while coming – I lose any sense of worrying that I may look stupid. I lose track of everything except my orgasm.

I went home feeling great.

Reconnecting, or His Young Bitch

Published on December 24, 2010 in bdsm, cunt, D/s, horny, illness, kink, libido, musings, orgasm on command, sex, shio, squirting, submissive and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

It was wonderful and much-needed to reconnect with MasterDoc sexually last night. I’m still not totally well, and I became fatigued too quickly, but I got the chance to be the worshipful submissive.

As we discussed my reluctance to kiss him in the kitchen the night before, I had the rather odd thought that I love how he’s scientific. I hadn’t kissed him at his request because I was worried I was still contagious. He pointed out that you’re only really particularly contagious for the day before you get sick, and the first couple of days after. I love that he trusts in science, unlike so many of us, and simply ceased to worry about my flu being contagious after the usual few days of contagion. (It also helps, I’m sure, that he got the flu shot.) I love how very rational he is.

It was wonderful to submit to how much his every touch turns me on. Through just gentle caresses he can have me quivering and ready to come. Some dominants seem to think that having control means bossing their subs around and constantly asserting their dominance. I think MasterDoc has real control – if he wants to make me come I am helpless to stop it. He doesn’t need to assert himself constantly. He knows he has control over me. He made a comment last night, while reaching out to grasp my hair in his hand, about the pleasure of seeing the ownership he has over me. I loved hearing that term. While I usually associate ownership with slaves and I still identify wholeheartedly as a sub, I have lately felt like I want to acknowledge his ownership of me. (Such as, in the status part of my fetlife profile.) And it’s interesting to me how you can be a poly sub, and very much owned by one person, but fuck others and not have that take away from your owner/pet relationship.

I used the word pet there because, strangely, last night we got to talking about whether I see myself as a kitty or a puppy. I don’t relate to cats at all (lifelong cat allergy saw to that) but I love dogs. I can totally see myself as a puppy. We’ve been discussing how I need a “totem” around MasterDoc’s place – DeeDee has the glamorous stuffed sheep, “Miss Ganoush” (as in BaaBaa Ganoush), MasterDoc is represented by the stuffed dog I’ve dubbed Brian after the dog on Family Guy. Like MasterDoc, Brian will sleep with a variety of women. I cuddle him when I’m there, but so does another of MasterDoc’s girlfriends when she visits. I suppose we could consider me the puppy. A puppy doesn’t go out dogging around like the grown dog, instead she is all cute and playful and attached to her owner. I need to find an adorable stuffed puppy to represent me.

I think it’s funny how bdsm relationships grow and evolve. I would never have thought of anyone as a puppy except the submissive playmate MasterDoc has who he calls “Puppy.” But I suppose it’s easy to have more than one puppy around. I’ve never cared much for age play or puppy play in the past, but lately I like being able to be little, helpless and taken care of now and then. And I have to say I’m definitely a puppy rather than a kitty or pony.

MasterDoc made me weak all over and made me come with little effort as usual. As he started slapping my pussy during orgasm I started to squirt. After, he declared that I was a very dirty girl. After being a very ill girl for the past week, it felt good to be sexual again.

He fucked me bent over the Liberator Axis. Having support was extra important because of my fatigue. As he fucked me I wondered if I was too tired to come. Then I realized that wasn’t such a bad thing – he could then fuck me until he came. He doesn’t often manage to come from fucking me and I love when he does. He later said that he nearly came. Despite thinking I was too tired for orgasm, when he held his cock firmly in my cunt, preparing for my spasming muscles, and then told me to come, come I did.

He also played around with the vampire gloves I got for his birthday. I had underestimated just how huge his hands are and ordered large instead of x-large. I had to return them for the x-large and they came in yesterday. When run over some parts of my body, the tines tickled, then they lightly scratched over other parts and with a little pressure, on my ass they hurt. You can get a bunch of sensations out of the gloves.

I begged for a rest, and while he was definitely going to give me the rest, he kept getting distracted by touching me. At one point I was so near orgasm that I had to sigh when he suddenly stopped. He thought he was being good and letting me rest, but it was downright painful not to come at that point.

He wanted me to massage his prostate but when I became too tired to stay awake he tucked me into bed. I love that he understands that being ill means I don’t have the energy for some things, and not that I’m trying to shirk duties.