Archive for the 'libido' Category

Revelations (Of the Feminist and Slut Kind)

Published on June 6, 2010 in Feminism, Uncategorized, anxiety, attraction, bisexuality, emotions, foursome, libido, musings, neurosis, random thoughts, sex, sexuality, slut and swinging. 1 Comment

This is going to be a long entry. Not only did I have hot, kinky sex I want to share with you, I also had some realizations that I’m excited about too. (Ultimately, I’ve decided to make my brains’ masturbation one entry, and the actual sex another.)

I had a wonderful time yesterday – and had some revelations on what polyamory is to me. MasterDoc is poly in the sense that he likes having multiple romantic relationships concurrently. I’m poly in the sense that I prefer having one main emotional, romantic relationship and lots of friends I hang out with and fuck. Neither way is wrong, they’re just two of the many ways a person can be polyamorous. I would certainly feel affection for and care about my fuck buddies, but it would be without the intensity of a full-time relationship. I need a way to get my insane sexual needs/desires met, but I’m not really looking for another relationship. I’ve been going about things all wrong. I’ve been looking on okcupid for a woman to date. I should be looking on craigslist for a woman to FUCK.

I think I hesitate to admit that sort of thing, because then I come across as a stereotypical bisexual woman. But fuck that, I may be a bit of a stereotype at times, but I should go for what I want. (And like most stereotypes, I’m not 100% of the stereotype anyway. I can fall in love with and have a relationship with a woman, but I’d much prefer a female friend who loves to fuck and hang out with me.) I worry that I make other bi women look bad by fitting the stereotype – but there are plenty of bisexual women who can have romantic, emotional relationships with women (monogamous ones even!) but I’m not one who wants that.

Kinda hard to admit what you want is what has been vilified. It’s really hard to know that the lesbians who won’t date bisexual women will look at me and say, “See! She’s why I won’t date bi women!” I am not, however, all bisexual women. I am just me.

Yesterday we had over a woman MasterDoc found on craigslist. Just reading her ad made me think she’s a kindred spirit – and meeting her cemented that. I found myself feeling so excited to meet her, but I didn’t want to show it because while here she told us about a woman who got too clingy and she had to stop seeing because that’s not what she wants. The thing is, I’m so excited about meeting her BECAUSE she doesn’t want a relationship with a woman. To have a partner in crime who is bisexual, horny, kinky and adventurous would be fabulous. She’s smart, has an offbeat sense of humor – definitely the kind of person I want to be friends with. I’m hoping she’d be up for the same, but I realize that I have to be laid back about it lest I come across as wanting more than I actually do. But I would just like to be able to call on her and say, “Hey I have a night alone, want to come over, hang out and fuck?” And if she’s free that night (she does have  boyfriend, and I think that should come first just like my relationship with MasterDoc comes first for me) then she can come over, chill out and get freaky.

It was so exciting to have that epiphany. I hold back from dating others for many reasons despite feeling frustrated and like I need more sex and more companionship, and I’ve realized that one of them is that I don’t want another emotionally intense, romantic relationship. I want a fuck buddy, a friend with benefits. Time to re-evaluate my dating strategy.

My other grand epiphany has been developing over the past week or so. We’re all so mired in the “stories” that society tells us, that even progressive feminists can fall prey to the narratives we’re told – despite them not being true. I’m often intimidated by thin women. (And I started feeling that way with our guest – she’s quite slender.) I think that thinness is so beloved in our culture that why would someone who has that want me? But that’s bullshit. I like a lot of different people – and someone being smart, funny and sexually adventurous is FAR MORE important to me than them fitting a societal body ideal. And why the fuck can’t I accept that there are thin women who feel the same way? I have such terrible self-esteem most of the time, that it had never occurred to me before – I am one of those smart, kinky, adventurous, fun people I think are so fucking sexy. Why the hell wouldn’t other people find me sexy? Sure, no one is ever going to be attractive to everyone, but I don’t give myself enough credit for my good points.

At one point I was chatting with our new pal (I’m hoping she’ll come back, she was loads of fun) while MasterDoc played with DeeDee in the next room. And I told her about the realization I had recently through a thread on fetlife and talking to someone on twitter – misogyny and the hatred of women’s bodies is so widespread that thin women deal with tons of shit about their bodies too. In the feminist movement these days we focus a lot on fat positivity, but we often do it in a way that reacts negatively to our sisters who more closely fit the “perfect” body. I forget, however, that the “perfect” body is so fucking specific that even someone who seems to fit it more closely than me can suffer from worries that they’re not the “perfect” one. Sure thinness is desired, but so are big boobs – and plenty of thin women have smaller breasts. We want this “perfect” combination of ultra thin yet curvy – and that’s not a look most people’s bodies fall into naturally. Also, I lose sight of the fact that even if someone does fit this norm, it doesn’t mean they buy into it, it doesn’t mean they can’t like me. Sure, some people are body conscious and only want to fuck other “hot” people, but I can’t assume because a woman is hot that she won’t find me to be very sexy or she can’t struggle with her own sense of body-positivity. (I need to realize this about men too.)

I’ve been so fucked up by the pervasive culture we live in that I have lost sight of these things. And when I told our new pal this yesterday she enthusiastically agreed with me that thin women get all sorts of shit about their bodies too. Misogyny is an attack on women, and part of the attack strategy is to make chubby women think that thin women are the enemy. I’ve often rejected a thin, pretty woman before she had a chance to reject me – and stupidly have ruined chances with women I might have had a great time with. I have no concept of a hot woman wanting to fuck me, but Jesus, aren’t I selling myself short? I’m buying into the societal narrative too much myself.

We had such a wonderful adventure with our new friend yesterday (I keep hoping friend is the right word – it could turn out to be a one-off but I’m hoping it’s not) that it merits its own entry. Coming up next: the hot sex foursome.

“Do it to Julia!”

Published on March 27, 2010 in D/s, Uncategorized, attraction, bdsm, blow jobs, commitment, cunnilingus, dom, embarrassment, emotions, exhibitionism, happy, horny, humiliation play, kink, libido, masochism, masturbation, musings, non-monogamy, optimism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, poly, sadism, sex, sex parties, shio, slut, spanking, squirting, submissive and trust. 1 Comment

I’ve spent plenty of time the last two months bitching about struggling through PMS. I’m happy to say this month is better, but even though it seems like all is well, I can tell that in a way my mood has gone a bit manic this time. I’m not bipolar, but I think even in regular depression sometimes your mood will swing the other way – just far less often than a person with bipolar might experience. I find myself giddy this month, googly-eyed lovey, eager to do things. I went for an hour long walk today. I never do that! So while the symptoms this month could be described as “positive” I think it’s just another side of the coin from the “negative” symptoms of the past few months. I’m out of balance emotionally like I am every month, it’s just that this month seems more positive.

Last night I had a wonderful night out with MasterDoc. My giddy, lovey mood made me really appreciate how happy I am with him. I really got into our dynamic and realized how fulfilling it is for me. It’s funny, because I constantly struggle with two different desires – there’s a part of me that’s independent and wants to make my own damn decisions but there’s another part of me that wants nothing more than for him to have control. These two parts sometimes conflict. A part of me says that I shouldn’t just let someone else control me like he does, but then I am so turned on and so happy when he does take control.

When we arrived at the swing club, he poured us some water since the bartender wasn’t around. I had said I was thirsty and I couldn’t wait until the water was poured. But, rather than hand it to me, he took a drink first. I wanted to say something as I was so thirsty, but the look he gave me said it all. “I want to make sure you remember your place,” he said to me. I went weak in the knees.

All last night, I found that being his slut was hotter than anything else. I realized that while we do sometimes like swinging with others, there are times like last night where the real kink being satisfied out at the swing club is that I’m his whore, and he gets to show off just what I will do for him. He gets to talk to me like I’m a dirty slut in front of everyone and I don’t object but instead am obviously turned on. I follow his command without hesitation or argument when he tells me to suck his cock, or take my clothes off, or come.

I have moments when I worry that some people are judging me for being such a whore. But then I get so turned on by it that I forget to feel embarrassed. While some might judge me, I think that most people find how I am to be phenomenally hot. The single men at the club are all eager to talk to us in the hopes of joining in. I’m not gorgeous, I’m fat and flabby, but I am a sex goddess there. And I am his. He gets to be the guy who has control over this nymph who wants to fuck and fuck and fuck. (And the reason I want to fuck and fuck and fuck is because I’m so fucking turned on by him.) We’re parts of a whole. It’s a dynamic. I give up control, he takes control and we’re both happy in those states.

Just when I thought I was tired from coming, I’d look into his eyes again and I’d start breathing shallowly and I’d ache for him to touch me and make me come. He can make me come without even touching any of the typical erogenous zones. For me, the hottest part of sex is the mind-fuck, the control. While the stimulation of my pussy is wonderful, the fact that he controls when I come makes the fucking amazingly more intense. I realized last night that being submissive and kinky really are integral parts of my personality. As my Dom, he fulfills me so much that I am willing to struggle with insecurity and jealousy because sharing him with others is still way better than not having him in my life. I think I’m also starting to grow more secure. I’ve been making a concerted effort to focus on the positive and I have started noticing things I’d ignore before in favor of dwelling on the negative. I noticed last night, truly noticed and internalized, how much he enjoys being with me. And I’m starting to see that his wanting to spend time with others doesn’t diminish that. Since I’ve grown so very fond of DeeDee, I can totally see why he wants to spend time with her. And that makes it easier to go busy myself with something else when they want time alone. (She does the same for me.)

Is this a breakthrough or just the hyper-happiness of PMS? I really hope it’s the former.

Unlike most entries I’m not really telling the story of what sex acts we did last night. It just doesn’t seem as interesting to me as capturing what goes on mentally. He made me suck his cock and he choked me on it in front of everyone. He fingered me to orgasm in front of an audience, he made me come by just stroking my legs, butt, hip and breasts. He made me come over and over, uncontrollably. I squirted a huge puddle a couple of times. He fucked me hard and spanked me with the hard wooden paddle. He let some random guy eat me out, and I didn’t so much come from his abilities (which were ok but not great) but I came from knowing I was doing it because I’m MasterDoc’s slut.  He made me come with my pants on just by grabbing my hair and talking dirty to me. I was so afraid I’d squirt in my pants!

I just kept thinking about how I’m really his whore and I will do nearly anything for him. That sort of power strikes me as scary at some moments, but I always come back to the key point that makes it not scary – he would never do anything to truly hurt me. He pushes my limits. He gets me to do things I thought I would never do, but he has never, not once done anything damaging to me. And even on the rare occasions where something didn’t quite work, he is fast to talk things over and make sense of what the issue was so he could avoid it in the future. Sometimes I think that it’s weird for a modern, feminist woman to be so deeply devoted to him, but I am.

The title of this entry came from MasterDoc, who of course got the line from George Orwell’s novel 1984. Near the end of the story, the main character (Winston) is locked up by the totalitarian government. They make him betray his love, Julia, by scaring him to death with something he fears the most (I want to say it was rats but I can’t recall). They make him break down and tell them that he wants them to do this horrible thing to Julia, not him. They make Winston betray her. MasterDoc has a knack for talking about something kinky and difficult and possibly painful, and he is good at making DeeDee and I encourage him to do it to the other, as long as he’s not doing it to us. He thinks this is hot. lol He really does like having power and control, doesn’t he?

Book Review: Healing Sex

Published on September 7, 2009 in Feminism, anxiety, assault, bdsm, bisexuality, embarrassment, emotions, fantasy, kink, lesbian, libido, masturbation, rape, recovery, reviews, sex, sex toys, sexuality, trauma and trust. 0 Comments

When Babeland offered Staci Haines’ Healing Sex for review, I decided to snap it up. You see, after I was sexually assaulted in 2005, a friend at that time had Haines’ Healing Sex DVD and lent it to me sometime in the months following the assault. While Haines’ focus is on survivors of childhood sexual abuse, her techniques can definitely be applied to recovering from any sort of sexual trauma. I remembered the DVD as being insightful, so I was happy for the chance to read and own Haines’ book.

Staci Haines specializes in the somatic approach – “an educational and transformational approach that assumes that the body, mind and emotions are one interconnected biological system.” (p. 15) She discusses a great deal the concepts of being aware of what you’re feeling, or indeed being aware if you’ve dissociated and stopped feeling. Being present during your sexual experiences is a major first step towards healing. Being aware of your body and reactions helps get you away from dissociating – “checking out” – during sex.

Haines is realistic about the conflicting emotions that survivors may feel – they may feel guilt or shame when they feel sexual pleasure, they may love and hate their perpetrator at the same time. Being triggered during sex with a partner may cause a survivor to take their anger out on their partner. She doesn’t paint a picture of recovery as being all hearts and flowers – but she does point you towards the wonderful future you can have if you take the time to heal. As they say, nothing worth doing is ever easy.

The approach is entirely sex-positive. She explores different types of sexual expression, everything from oral sex to S/M and in between. There’s chapters on sexual anatomy, creating boundaries for yourself, partnered sex, navigating your way through triggers and how to work on healing them, and even the use of sex toys. Many of these chapters have interesting sex-positive information that would be useful for anyone. (The book is aimed at women survivors, of any sexual orientation.) While she discusses the problem of survivors sometimes becoming sexually compulsive in reaction to the abuse, she makes clear the point that being a fully realized sexual woman with a stronger sex drive than our society thinks you should have is NOT the same as being compulsive. She then goes on to discuss the real difficulties with actual compulsion. She also doesn’t glamorize sex as being the perfect image we see in porn or read about in books. Haines is clear that we bring our quirky human selves to our sex lives – there will be times when things go wrong and you and your partner end up laughing. Sometimes you may need to stop the action for a time and get back to it after dealing with difficult memories.  There’s even a chapter for partners of sexual abuse survivors.

The final chapter in the book is a phenomenal collection of resources – everything from healing sexual trauma, to dealing with any sort of trauma, to women-friendly sex-positive sex toy stores (Babeland is on the list).

One minor gripe: this book has more than an average number of typos that were not caught and fixed. If you’re a grammar nut like me this may irritate the heck out of you.

Reflections on the Week

Published on September 5, 2009 in D/s, anxiety, assault, bdsm, caning, fantasy, libido, musings, optimism, random thoughts, recovery and sexuality. 2 Comments

I’ve had a busy week, alas I don’t have a lot of stories to share but MasterDoc and I had good sex and a caning on Wednesday night. (Again I had to reflect on how some pain pushes me harder into orgasm, but some pain, this time his fingernails digging into my ass, can push me away from orgasm.) Since I won’t be seeing him too often this month it was kinda like a little sending off I suppose. Still, I’m sure it will turn out that I will see him a good amount – after all I should still see him one or two nights a week – not bad! Yesterday he took me to get a gastroscopy done. I was nervous, as I tend to be with any procedure, but I have to say that propofol is the shit. Yes, that’s the drug Michael Jackson took that ultimately led to his demise, but he combined it with a bunch other stuff. I went into this procedure with an entirely empty stomach and no medications since the evening before. Propofol knocked me out nearly instantaneously. (I watched the anesthesiologist inject it into the line in my arm and then all went hazy seconds later.) I felt like I was still just falling asleep as I became aware of MasterDoc standing next to me – and the mouth guard, IV line, blood pressure cuff and oxygen tubing that had just been on me seemingly a second ago, were gone. I have absolutely no recollection of the procedure. Nice! (No wonder they call propofol “milk of amnesia.”) I go back to the gastroenterologist in a couple of weeks to hear about the bits that were taken from my esophagus for further testing. But overall the whole thing went well.

I’ve kept mostly private about issues I’ve had with Davey, and I don’t want to go into details here (sorry, some things I do keep to myself) but we had a breakthrough in our sexual issues on Tuesday night. (No small thanks due to MasterDoc.) I’m feeling better about things than I have in months (the only real issues we’ve had have all been sexual or related to the sexual issues) and hopefully things will get better now. I may write in more detail at a later date, but for now I’d like to keep quiet about it.

With MasterDoc gone, I hope to explore here some fantasies of mine – and share them with you of course. Ever since Floating World my mind has been filled with dirty, kinky fantasies and I need to get them out of me. I think I might somewhat be in subfrenzy, lusting after all sort of kinkiness – desperate to make all my fantasies come true. This month would be a good time to calm down and reflect. Luckily, I’m already with MasterDoc, and he wouldn’t let me go overboard in exploring my fantasies.

Soon, I will write and post a review on Staci Haines’ Healing Sex, a book which I’m finding very enlightening. It’s taking me into my sexuality in a new way, and despite the focus being healing from sexual trauma, I find myself looking at other issues I’ve had since before being raped at age 25 and sexually assaulted at 32 – issues with speaking up about what I want, not saying no when I’d really like to, and other things. It should produce a thoughtful post in the near future. I also have another dyke porn dvd to review – rowr. How I’ve held off watching it this long is beyond me.

So stay tuned, more of the dirty, sexual talk you’ve come to love and expect from me will ensue. For now, enjoy your Labor Day weekend and make some stories of your own!

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Published on August 15, 2009 in Uncategorized, bdsm, blog, dating, libido, new site, sex and squirting. 0 Comments

I’ve put off blogging this week because lots of work and tweaks have been going on with my blog. I gave my friend Max Malini free reign and he’s done tons of stuff to work on my site. Alas, in the shuffle a few entries have gone missing. I hope to get them restored. (Including my HNT for this week, which had some positive reactions. UPDATE: It’s restored but some recent comments are missing from the blog.) Hopefully I’m not getting terrible ratings in the 100 best sexy bloggers judging in the meanwhile. More changes are to come! You can now find me at www.diaryofakinkylibrarian.com as well as www.kinkylibrarian.net. No need to update links – forwarding works.

I’ve had a mostly quiet week, eagerly anticipating my vacation and Floating World next week. This morning I did a happy dance when I woke up to use the bathroom and discovered that my period had started. This means it will be done by the time I go to Floating World – I am thrilled!

I saw MasterDoc on Tuesday evening, and for once we had something that we don’t usually have – so-so sex. Yes, despite the sexual chemistry we usually have, we were both feeling a bit “off” that night and had a hard time getting into things. Eventually he did make me come with the magic wand, which was orgasmic and wonderful like usual (he seems to be making me come for extra long periods lately – hooray!). He fucked me from behind after that, and it felt wonderful, even if it wasn’t quite up to our usual level of sparks. I did, however squirt both from the magic wand and from being fucked. (So even so-so sex between us ends up being pretty damn good!)

I’ve been fairly horny this week, I think the hormonal shifts before menstruation have a lot to do with that. I get to see MasterDoc again all day Monday.  I can’t wait! I also feel like I could use a good beating. I have date number two coming up next week with the guy I had a good date with last weekend – and that should certainly be interesting. Stay tuned for next week to be much more exciting than this week was.

Night and Day

Published on November 23, 2008 in Uncategorized, assault, libido, sex and squirting. 0 Comments

I write here often about having really hot sex with MasterDoc. After all, people want to read about really hot sex. But I think it might help things be in perspective if I finally sat down and told you about sex we had last weekend. I wasn’t feeling especially horny and MasterDoc wasn’t in the mood to give foreplay. So I went into it not feeling worked up or aroused. He had me lube myself up and play with myself, but still I wasn’t feeling all that hot. He asked if I was ready to be fucked, and since I was adequately lubed I said yes. He fucked me, and it felt good but it didn’t get me close to orgasm. After he did that, he lay beside me, stroking his cock while he told me to play with myself. I got aroused but it was still at a low level. He told me to get to the point where I can come, and I was kinda sorta there (but not quite). So when he came, squirting on my hip, and gave me permission to come, I didn’t. Pfft. So yes, MasterDoc and I are quite capable of having so-so sex.

But thankfully that’s not the norm.

I spent Friday at MasterDoc’s and he worked on finding a couple to play with for the night. It seemed like we had a couple lined up when they canceled. I was glad because I was feeling like I wanted to be alone with him. You know how sometimes you just want alone time with someone? I also felt a little triggered, and I didn’t feel okay about the idea of having sex with a complete stranger, which is funny because all too often I think that’s really hot. But I think what triggered me was the mention of us splitting up into separate rooms. It triggered a fear in me related to having been assaulted and raped and I flipped out at one point – this was even after the couple had canceled. I feared what could happen if I was alone with some guy I know nothing about, after all I’ve had experiences when men didn’t stop when I told them to. I spent a little time crying, spent some time cuddling with MasterDoc. I hate that this comes up for me sometimes, but I can’t really know when it’s going to happen.

Thankfully the evening got better. I got the evening alone with MasterDoc like I was hoping for, and we fucked for a while. I got very, very close to orgasm, but he didn’t let me come while he was fucking me. We lay next to each other after, me a little bit further down on the bed so he could watch porn on the laptop. He had me get the Nea and play with myself. I was horny but as he was watching the porn I wasn’t as engaged in it as I would have been if he had been interacting with me. I told him this and he says, “You don’t think I know that?” He starts talking dirty to me, asking me if I’m ready to come. The sound of his voice gets me hot and soon I’m at the point where I could come. At this point I was laying down near his cock as I had sucked it for a while. He keeps talking to me, making me feel like a dirty girl, and I respond by breathing more quickly and yearning for orgasm. He keeps stroking his cock and as he gets to the point of coming, he tells me to come. This time I come as soon as he gives me permission and I even squirt on the bed as I do so. He comes all over my shoulder and we orgasm simultaneously. Things were back to normal.

Less Prozac = Good Thing

Published on February 17, 2008 in libido and prozac. 0 Comments

I’ve been on the lower dose of prozac for nearly two weeks now, and there’s been an improvement with my libido. I’m still not feeling 100% myself, but we’ll see how it goes from here. I’m happy to report that vanilla sex is becoming fun again. I think in the months when I was numbed by the medication, the intensity of something like bdsm or public sex could cut through the layer of numbness I had, but loving, vanilla sex could not. But now I’m responding more, which means really good things for my relationship with Davey considering he and I don’t do bdsm together. Another indication things have gotten better is that I was so totally on the edge the other day when MasterDoc had me use my bullet vibe while we entertained a stranger. I’ve had a hard time getting to the edge and riding it in recent months. I was so close to coming that my vaginal muscles twitched a bit as I took the vibe away from my clit. I could have had an explosive orgasm at that point. Orgasm denial might get a little bit challenging for a change – I hope! (It’s been pitifully easy for me to not come in recent months.)

Of course with the lowered dose also comes more emotions. I actually teared up for the first time in months a few nights ago. (I haven’t been able to cry in ages.) I’m feeling so much more now than I did on the high dose of prozac. It’s nice but it can be a little intense at times. I’m just now realizing how emotionally intense it can be to submit to someone. It seems like nice casual “playtime” at the outset, but I’ve grown quite attached to MasterDoc even though we’re not in a traditional sort of relationship. (I sometimes refer to him as my other boyfriend, but really Dom/sub describes what we have going on.)

I saw MasterDoc for my usual Friday and we put on show for someone. The usual – me being Dom-ed, flogged, fucked, etc. in front of a total stranger. I should maybe keep track of how many people have seen my naked body, but then considering how many people can be around at swing clubs I think it’s too hard to keep track of that sort of thing. Suffice it to say many people have seen me naked. As I said before, I was better at getting to the edge orgasm-wise so it was really fun when I played with the bullet vibe or MasterDoc fucked me. He let me come (he’s so good to me) and it’s nice to be feeling more of it again. (I wonder, can we lower my dose further? Of course then I have to worry about the effect that could have on my depression, the whole reason I’m on prozac in the first place.)

It’s nice to feel like I’m almost having a mini sexual awakening. I hope this improves further, or I’ll be talking to my doctor about options. (Wellbutrin sounds like it’s a good option.)

I went for a walk with Davey today. I’m working on getting past laziness so I get exercise in. That’s the hardest part. I’m eating healthier for the most part and not pigging out on stuff. But the exercise – I’m so bad about exercising. Ugh.