Archive for the 'kink' Category

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Pushing Limits, Part I

Published on September 25, 2011 in anxiety, bdsm, blow jobs, D/s, DeeDee, dom, edge play, embarrassment, forced orgasm, horny, humiliation play, kink, masochism, masturbation, orgasm on command, sadism, sex, sex toys, spanking, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

As you know, I’ve been finding it hard to find time to write. And if it’s not time I’m looking for, it’s motivation. I find that this week in particular has been busy with work (and work-related stress), chores around the house, and assorted other bits and pieces. To top it all off, I have to work today, Sunday, for a few hours. It feels like a sub’s and a librarian’s work is never done.

This is partially (but only partially!) down to perception. I have had some stellar time alone with MasterDoc this week. But I find when I truly have downtime, that I just want to do mindless stuff like watch a show, or play The Sims. Writing seems beyond my energy level.

But before I head off to work today, I vowed to try to get at least one blog entry written. So here we go.

Yesterday, I was really craving kink. It was funny because MasterDoc was in a totally cuddly mood. I think other than caning and such, he doesn’t necessarily push my limits as often lately. He managed to get himself into the mood talking dirty to me. And I got to experience some kink that really did push my limits.

He started talking about humiliating things he could do to me. And just the idea of most of it pushed my limits. I hoped that some of these ideas would only amount to talking, but it seems he wanted to give me what I wanted – kink.

He took me into the bathroom to piss on me. I find that piss play is something I truly hate doing, but I kinda like him being dominant and making me do it. I hesitated on taking my vibe along, because I wasn’t feeling horny at the idea of his piss. He pointed out that it was up to me, but why not get an orgasm out of it? I relented and grabbed it on the way out the bedroom door.

He had me kneel in the tub. He grabbed the closest breast and started slapping his cock against it. “See, if I slap it hard enough it keeps my cock from getting aroused.” A frequent (male) piss Dom problem is getting aroused by the idea and then being unable to pee thanks to the hard on. (I always hope for a hard on.)

“Get that other tit over here.” He said and I turned towards him. He continued to play with my tits, call me his piss whore and tell me I could come when I felt his piss. I ran the vibe over my clit, not sure if I could get aroused enough to come. But then the whole thing is arousing despite being totally repulsive at the same time. I suppose it’s a part of submission/masochism that is difficult to understand. “I don’t want to do that thing, but I want you to make me, because your making me is hot.”

So he pissed on my tits, and I came. I buried my face in his tummy as best I could. I feel embarrassed to be coming at that point. It always feels like he has the bottomless bladder. When he pees on me, it feels like it goes on for several minutes. Towards the end, I couldn’t come anymore so I turned my head towards the wall in humiliation, because now I was just experiencing him peeing on me without the distraction of an orgasm.

He was in a merry mood after, and went to wash his hands. I couldn’t wait to get the piss soaked vibrator put down and the tub water running to clean myself off. I learned the hard way one time that you need to do more than rinse, you need to use soap and scrub slightly. And you need to remember that your hands have been pissed all over. One time, I rinsed my body well but forgot my hands and had to smell his pee all evening. Yuck. This time, I scrubbed and rinsed carefully.

I think one of the downsides to piss play is that the aftercare happens after a lapse. I’m left alone to rinse off, and getting wet inevitably means I feel a chill after. (Especially when I walk in the bedroom and he has turned up the air conditioning.) I think I’m still processing the experience whereas he’s been distracted by other things while waiting for me. I need a warm blanket and some adoring cuddles after piss play. While he can humiliate me as my Dom, I need reassurance after that he loves me even if I’m his filthy piss slut.

After a little recovery under a sheet to keep warm, he moved on to phase two. I had so hoped he wasn’t serious about phase two.

He gave me the kneepads. He told me to put them on and get the leash. Lately he not only has me wear my collar, but also wrist cuffs during play. I like it, but I find it much easier to be little miss subby when it’s just him around. (Or I can usually deal with him making me crawl into DeeDee to say hello.) The catch of this bit of impending puppy play? DeeDee and her other serious boyfriend were in the living room watching tv. MasterDoc instructed me to crawl into the living room, bounce around like a playful puppy, bark and pant. My brain could NOT get my head around doing something so embarrassing in front of DeeDee’s other boyfriend.

Now, you need to know that her other boyfriend is kinky too, so none of this would make either DeeDee or her boyfriend freak out. I was the only one freaking out. I crawled as far as the curtain that hangs over the entrance of the living room to keep air conditioning in. I could not make myself go any farther. I stayed hidden behind the curtain. I told MasterDoc it would be easier if he went with me, but he wanted me to go alone. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

In doggy fashion, I turned to him and whimpered and whined like any dog would when faced with something they really didn’t want to do. This didn’t produce pity unfortunately. He got the riding crop and smacked my ass until I crawled in. I hung my head down nearly the entire time. I could get through the embarrassment if I didn’t have to look at the people in the living room. He told me to lift my head and pant, and I simultaneously closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see. Ultimately, the embarrassment happened. But MasterDoc said I got a C- for that performance and he was a little annoyed with his misbehaving little bitch. Meanwhile DeeDee and her gentleman said, “Awww.” when the puppy came in. They thought it was cute.

He led me by leash back to the bedroom. I crawled until I was in the room. It’s funny, but I can’t recall the less stressful bits right now. I know I asked for aftercare. He hadn’t thought that scene would need aftercare, but I pointed out that it was a very intense scene for me. I got some cuddles.

End of Part I

Catching Up (But Not with Depeche Mode)

Published on September 18, 2011 in attraction, caning, dating, depression, happy, horny, kink, musings, poly, sex, slut and Uncategorized. 2 Comments

(Bonus music geek points if you get the reference in the title.)

MasterDoc and I had some wonderful scenes before he went away to Dark Odyssey Summer Camp with DeeDee for the weekend. I’m the lazy person who didn’t take notes right after. He caned me, because I was in the midst of premenstrual dysphoric disorder week. It is amazing how much better I feel after a good hard caning! I felt great, until the next morning when the endorphins wore off and my biochemical issues reared their ugly head again. Still, some relief is better than no relief. Truly. I wish I remembered more details, because at the time I thought how awesome the sex was. I don’t mean to brag, I’m just very lucky.

An old flame from a couple of years back has reappeared – Shane. Back in 2009, I enjoyed dating him for a few months. He was kind enough to drive all the way back to my area (after just having driven home from seeing me) when I had such bad stomach pain that I needed to go to the emergency department. That night was when I was finally diagnosed with gallstones and a few weeks after I had surgery to remove my gallbladder. (I’ve been happier and pain-free since.) But despite our not dating for long, he came, met me there and sat with me for a few hours into the wee hours of the morning. He kept me company while I vomited and wished the injection of morphine would take effect. In other words, he showed himself to be a very nice guy. He drove me home when I was released and headed home himself (for the second time!) to get some sleep.

A month or two later, our contact became sporadic, and during one IM conversation he told me he had had a car accident and hurt his back. Yikes. He pretty much disappeared after that. I didn’t feel any ill will, I just figured it was one of those things that petered out on its own. Several weeks ago, I was surprised to get a message from him on facebook. He wanted to reconnect, find out how I’m doing, etc. He didn’t assume we’d just start dating or fucking again. But we made plans to hang out, because as I said, I had liked the guy and felt no ill will when he drifted away. Turns out he was busy dealing with all sort of stressful stuff – his business being chief among them. He didn’t have time for relationships.

So with a lag of 2 years in between, I seem to be seeing him again. We hung out last night. He hadn’t assumed we’d fuck but I sure did. *grin* It was awesome. I still like spending time with him every bit as much as I did before. He should have a bit more free time now since his business is doing well, so he promises not to be a stranger for two years again. He has one of my favorite combinations – a nice, respectful guy who is kinky and dominant. Does a subby (hetero or bi) woman need much else? We’re close in age so we share some pop culture references that MasterDoc doesn’t necessarily have. My age difference with MasterDoc doesn’t have much impact on my love or how much I enjoy being with him. But now and then I want to wax poetic about some 80′s band and he’s not the one to do it with.

It’s funny, because while I’ve gotten lots of messages from guys who seem interesting on the usual dating site I inhabit, I’ve been feeling more introverted, as well as just tired of meeting new people. Shane showed up at a perfect time when spending time with a known quantity is more appealing for me than the stress of getting to know someone from scratch.

I can hear MasterDoc now, saying “Phooey” when he finds that while I’ve blogged it’s mostly about another guy. It’s just that there’s only so many ways I can call him wonderful, sexy, domly, etc. I can only gush about loving him, loving being his submissive (most of the time), and the hot sex so many times.

Delightfully NastyDoc

Published on September 8, 2011 in anal, bdsm, blow jobs, cunt, D/s, dom, edge play, forced orgasm, horny, kink, masochism, nipple clamps, orgasm on command, sadism, sex, sex toys, shio, spanking, squirting, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

After a rough week and a half or so, it was wonderful to have some bdsm play with MasterDoc. It feels like it’s been a while since we’ve done a variety of bdsm play, although that’s not entirely true. Perhaps this was just the right kind of play on the right night for me.

MasterDoc spent some time planning the night’s activities, something that’s not one of his Domly strengths. He looked through my wishing box for ideas (I haven’t looked through it and updated it in a while though). He went off to the bedroom while I played a game on my phone in the living room. I was wearing a new chemise I bought from Frederick’s of Hollywood (I’ve always preferred them to Victoria’s Secret. I have always been able to find stuff that FITS ME at Frederick’s.) When MasterDoc came out, he pulled one of my breasts from the bra top and applied the suction cup to my nipple. The small one fell off, so he used a larger one, and that painfully adhered to my nipple. I had to breathe through the pain, but after a while it did subside enough that I could deal with it, although the pain never completely went away. He put cuffs on my wrists (he’s grown fond of the look recently) and gave me my collar to put on.

He left me there, and a little later came back out to take the suction cup off and put a clothespin on that same nipple. He followed that with a clothespin on the other nipple. He commented on how hot it looked for my breasts to be both out and over the bra cups and have a clothespin clasped on to each nipple. I moved gingerly so I wouldn’t disturb the clothespins. He left them on for longer than usual, but the nipple play got me hot. His next move was to have me kneel on the sofa so he could insert my Njoy butt plug. I had to sit plugged and clipped while MasterDoc watched part of the republican debate. (He’s a Ron Paul fan.) I felt like this was some serious edgeplay, having to watch the republicans bullshit their way through a debate. (Hey, the democrats bullshit too. I’m sick of politicians. But the democrats don’t scare me as much as Michele Bachmann or Rick Perry, for example.) MasterDoc removed the clothespins sometime during this period, but I felt like I still had them attached to me for quite some time afterward. The pain of the blood rushing in upon removal was intense. He had me wiggle every now and then to make sure I felt the plug.

Thankfully, after Ron Paul spoke a bit, we moved into the bedroom. I sucked his cock until it was hard. I loved when he grabbed me by the hair to pull my head up to his. He made me come by slapping my face repeatedly and telling me to come. My jaw still felt a little sore as I took notes for this entry later that evening. This was followed with more cock sucking.

It was time to fuck. He wanted to do it with the butt plug still in me, but I asked to take butt plug out because I thought having something that rigid in my ass as he penetrated my pussy would hurt. As he would say, he’s “such a softie” (yeah, uh huh). He took the time to spank my ass hard as he removed the butt plug. I got on hands and knees and he fucked me silly. Sometimes I rocked forward and back to help along his thrusting. I kept coming over and over – lost mostly in subspace reverie. When I stop breathing enough, my body backs off on the orgasms a little until I’ve gotten some air in. But the continued stimulation pushes me back into orgasm in seconds flat. He interspersed hard spanks with the thrusting of his cock. When he eventually pulled out, he slapped my pussy as I squirted all over my throe. I collapsed exhausted afterward, having come countless times.

I had been in need of him abusing me a bit. I think perhaps with all the stress I’ve been under he hasn’t pushed my limits in a while. It was great to get back to that last night.

His

Published on August 24, 2011 in bdsm, blow jobs, D/s, edge play, forced orgasm, kink, masochism, needle play, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, sadism, sex, sex toys, submissive and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

I’ve been quiet on the blogging front because I’m preparing to move out of my little studio apartment into MasterDoc’s apartment. I haven’t been working on that every minute, but often when I have free time I just want to kick back and play The Sims Medieval to relax and escape.

There have also been times of fantastic sex. But when I have time to write up a blog entry, well, The Sims call to me.

Last night we had sex, and his grabbing my hair and asking, “Now what am I going to do with you, young lady?” made me shudder in anticipation. He can get my entire body involuntarily twitching from just simple touches. I tried to relax my muscles, but the convulsing still went on whether I wanted it to or not. It’s like my whole body becomes a stand-in for my vagina. He had already gotten me to put my collar on, and as something different, he put wrist cuffs on me as well. He said he likes the rattling sound when I move and the metal on the cuffs makes noise.

The other night, the phrase that got me was, “I’m excited you’re moving in. Now I can have this pussy whenever I want it.” It’s funny how, despite an independent streak, I really love the idea of him owning me. I don’t want to be treated like a possession all the time, but when we’re in bed knowing that he can do whatever he chooses to me is exciting. While I’m a strong feminist with a successful career, it gets me hot to feel like he has such control over me.

Last night he brought out the needles. Thankfully he used them on my butt and not my inner thighs like he’s threatened. But the pain was still difficult to bear as each needle was inserted. I whimpered like crazy. He had me blindfolded but I could tell when he might be preparing to put in another needle when he grabbed a bit of flesh. I think he put in three needles, and while it hurt it would only really hurt for the duration of the needles being inserted. After, I’d breathe deeply trying to slow my breath and relax my body.

He brought out the Hitachi magic wand and pressed it to my cunt. “If you don’t want any more needles, you’ll come when I count to three.” Jeez, I was going to make sure I came! The needle play was intense. He counted slowly, “One…Two…Two and a half…Two and three quarters…” Argh! Evil man. I did manage to come when he finally, finally, said three.

After a period of time, he took the wand away and told me I could either play with myself or fall forward if I wanted to. (I was on my hands and knees.) I chose the latter. We cuddled for a bit and I played with his chest hair.

As I often do, I’ve neglected to mention that we started off with me sucking his cock, and then using my skilled hands on his inner thighs to make him feel good. I really enjoy making him feel good. Touching him feels good to me too.

As we cuddled, he said he wasn’t sure if he should just come and call it a night or if he should fuck me. I politely indicated that I really would like his cock inside of me. I think it had been a week. We fooled around on Sunday night, but there was no PIV (penis-in-vagina). He said that fine, he’d give me some sex. I continued to stroke his chest hair, and then on a whim I leaned in and started kissing and licking his chest. This had a great effect.

He fucked me from on top, and try as I might not to come without permission, he forced an orgasm out of me. Then he proceeded to keep me coming for an extended period of time. I’d start thinking that maybe I’d need to ask him to stop as my body was tired, but then he’d send me into the throes of orgasm again and I’d forget all about any fatigue. I was really amazed at how long he went on fucking me, and how I was unable to stop the orgasms from coming. I was exhausted by the end, but of course very, very happy.

Just “regular” sex at home

Published on August 17, 2011 in anxiety, bdsm, blow jobs, caning, cunt, D/s, edge play, forced orgasm, happy, humiliation play, kink, masochism, masturbation, needle play, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, sadism, sex, sex toys, spanking, submissive, trust and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

“Who wants to have sex?”

This sudden question from MasterDoc caused me and DeeDee to look up at him with surprise. He hadn’t indicated the slightest interest in sex earlier in the evening. When I recovered my wits from the surprise, I meekly raised my hand. DeeDee was watching a show and was interested in finishing it. I hadn’t had sex with him since Tuesday, and this was Sunday, so I was already feeling like I needed a little MasterDoc-iliciousness. The sex with the new guy on Friday was satisfying, but the connection I have with MasterDoc is unique and I like to experience it regularly.

MasterDoc started the evening talking about piercing me – on my inner thighs. Eek. I was really scared because I imagine this to be even more sensitive in a way than the outer labia was that one time he pierced it. I was working the Siri on my clit as it was getting late, and I needed to get to bed, so I had to have a part in getting myself warmed up. I had a hard time getting aroused because the needles scared me. Me, the person who pushed for needle play in the first place. Somehow lately that kind of pain strikes me as too much to bear. Other submissives and masochists out there will probably know what I mean by “kind of pain.” Different implements cause different sensations. A needle is different than a cane strike which is different than hot wax.

The talk of piercing was merely a mind-fuck (for the time being). He put me on hands and knees and fucked me, which, he said, would ensure I’d stop complaining that I hadn’t had his cock since Tuesday. The scene climaxed with me coming over and over again, as per usual. I wish everyone could describe their incredible, mind-scrambling orgasms in such a blase way.

Two nights later, DeeDee had plans, so it was just MasterDoc and me at home. I lay on the bed, face up, relaxing while waiting for him to decide what we’re going to do. He gets the medium cane (The only one he could find. Thankfully the only one he could find wasn’t the thickest one.) and starts caning my thighs. I “ooh!” and “ouch!” He orders me to spread my legs. He starts working on caning my inner thighs. Red cane stripes appear – but only on one thigh. He decides he must make the other one match. Interestingly enough, the second thigh is the one that bruised slightly the next day.

He has me roll over eventually, laying flat on my tummy. He canes my butt and I work to slow my breathing when it hurts a lot. I was in the mind space where I worried I couldn’t handle the pain, but then ultimately it turned me on. It’s not just the physical pain causing a biological reaction, but also the idea that I’m his. He can use me like this if he chooses. I have handed myself over to him in such a way that I trust him even to make me hurt. If he gets pleasure from it, I do too.

It’s interesting to have a dynamic with someone where you both love each other very much, and endeavor to take care of each other in your own ways, but that same person who loves you can make you hurt and leave bruises. I can see how a non-kinkster might have trouble understanding that. But when we’re in a scene, he takes me on a journey. I always come back safe from that journey, inevitably wiped out from lots of yummy orgasms after the pain. Four years with him, and I still find sex with him to be ultra-exciting.

Satisfied with beating me, he tells me to get over there and suck his cock. Pleasuring his cock with my mouth was delectable.I use various techniques he’s taught me over time. Most recently he’s asked for more suction, whereas before he didn’t want it because the head of his cock is so sensitive. He still doesn’t want the head sucked on hard, but I work my lips along the shaft, squeezing. I lick. I slap the head against my outstretched tongue. I work the base with my hand while orally taking care of the rest.

He gets a condom and puts it on, taking time to slap my cunt a little. He flicks my clit with his fingers. (I hate when he does that. I hate when he does it to my nipples too.) He works some lube into my pussy. He slowly slides the head of his cock inside of me. His cock is thick, so when I’m not especially warmed up I appreciate it when he goes slow. Just that bit of cock feels great, however, and soon he’s sliding the full length into me. As he does this, he props himself up on one hand and uses the other to slap my face. Oh yes. That was hot. Cock sliding in simultaneously as face getting struck.

He fucks me silly, I feel on the verge of orgasm, sure that I won’t be able to hold back until he gives permission. I whimper and moan, a clear sign that I’m dying for orgasm. I do manage to hold out until he tells me to come. When I come, he slaps my face some more, making me come harder, and pounds my pussy intermittently to really make me scream. I find myself orgasming for what feels like an insanely long time. I thought to myself that surely, I’d run out of steam and not keep coming after a while, but this took a very long time to occur.

Aftercare consisted of pillow talk and my massaging “the spot” on his chest. I think I cracked some silly jokes and we laughed a little. He touched me a bit and stopped when he worried that he was turning me on. But post-orgasm lately, I can get aroused and immerse myself in the feel of his touch without needing to go on to orgasm. It’s extremely pleasurable being touched by him. No one else feels like him. No one else knows my body as well as he does.

The Dark Secret

Published on August 11, 2011 in assault, crazy, kink, musings, stupid people, trauma and Uncategorized. 5 Comments

I have a lovely, happy blog post brewing in my head. But I also have this one. I’m gonna handle this one first.

If you’ve hung around here for any length of time you know that I was sexually assaulted six years ago at a sex party. I’ve written about the triggering and post-traumatic stress issues I can still encounter after all this time. I probably have also written that the shitty way I was treated after was just as bad as the assault.

And if I haven’t, I should.

The dark secret of the kink/sex-positive community is that not everyone plays by the rules. And even those who do often fail to call out the predators on their bullshit. I’ve submitted a proposal for a panel discussion at Momentum next spring on finding ways to address this rather than sweep it under the rug. I feel like I’ve healed to the point where I’m ready to be an activist. Because I sure wish I had had an activist on my side when all that shit was originally going down. I’ve spoken to various women over the years who have been somehow abused or violated within what should have been a consensual, mutually enjoyable kink scene or sexual experience. (I don’t doubt that the men who have experienced abuse don’t even try to come forward. Being realistic, the majority of survivors are women, but I think the men who experience this need us to listen too.)

As a brief aside here, I like the term “survivor” rather than “victim.” I was a victim for the duration of my assault. I’m not always a victim. I have survived people ignoring my clearly stated boundaries on two occasions. I’m bitter that they have both changed my life forever (the first was totally outside the scene) but I have prevailed and found myself a wonderful Dom who takes care of me, not violates my boundaries. (Waxing poetic on this will be the next post.)

A big issue going hand-in-hand with the violations happening is that most people in the scene won’t listen when someone speaks up about it. These assaults (I’m using it as a general term for rape, sexual assault, physical assault, abuse, etc.) are whispered about at most. Those who speak up loudly, as I did via my old blog right after the assault happened to me, get branded as “crazy,” “drama queens,” and “troublemakers.” Often they do what I did for a few years – they disappear from the scene, disillusioned that a community that gives so much lip service to consent could turn a blind eye. The predators doing this do it more than once. I know of at least three men within the NYC scene who have violated boundaries more than once. On twitter this week one of my twitter pals was furious and frustrated when she tried to speak up about another woman’s assault within her local kink scene. She must have received mostly the same sort of bullshit I had.

“It’s a he said/she said thing. I don’t want to get involved.”

Or they make up excuses for the person. “Well, he was drunk.” The support I’ve received over the years from people within “the community” has been minimal. But it is increasing and I want to lend my voice to those speaking out.

Let me start with this, if you don’t get involved, don’t take sides, then you are by default supporting the perpetrator. Silence lets this cancer flourish in the community. Sometimes, the predatory people are the ones running parties and educational sessions at conferences. This will not end until we speak up and hold our fellow kinksters responsible for their actions. I don’t give a shit if “that guy” seems nice and throws fun parties. If you keep quiet you are enabling him. (I’ll bet there are a few women who violate boundaries, but because of our socialization, it ends up being men far more often.)

I had the pleasure of meeting a kinkster guy recently, and we somehow got onto this lovely topic. He filled me in on someone being predatory that I didn’t know about, and I filled him in on the one I know about first hand. We compared notes and he too has seen women who speak up dismissed as “crazy.” Branding someone as crazy is an effective way to silence them. I’m sure this tactic has been used to silence women (and other minorities) for centuries.

But this guy I met up with brought up a concern we must address. He pointed out that in his experiences as a Dom he has made mistakes. People do make mistakes. But you know what? If you make a mistake you apologize, try to mend the hurt as best you can and learn from it. There are men like himself who hesitate to get involved in lambasting a predator because they fear that a simple, unintentional mistake on their part will place them in that position.

I know this can be difficult for nice guys to believe, but the chance of that is small. People who apologize and try to fix the harm they’ve accidentally done are not the types I’m talking about here. I spoke online with the guy who assaulted me a night or two after the event. I wanted to believe it was a mistake. I wanted an apology so I could do my best to forgive and move on. I didn’t get an apology. I got excuses. I got a scared little man trying to deny his responsibility and getting angry with me when I called him out. Soon I was one of those so-called “crazy” women in the scene. The few who actually listened to me and agreed that what happened was wrong were usually afraid to speak up. The predators among us manage to snag a few friends who will stand up for them, not really knowing what they’re like. The person who’s been assaulted, and their allies, get their voices drowned out.

Since I’ve seen this time and time again, I have to call all of you out on one bullshit excuse item: the idea that women make up stories of being assaulted to retaliate against someone.

Seriously? Go back and read my description above about what happens when someone speaks up. What would making up a story accomplish? Absolutely nothing. False rape reporting has been a red herring thrown about by the media for years. With 60% of ACTUAL rapes not being reported because of the dismal reaction victims of sexual violence usually get from law enforcement, how many women can be stupid enough to lie about it? There are a few of course, but the estimate of “unfounded” reported rapes is just 8%.

From Wikipedia:

FBI reports consistently put the number of “unfounded” rape accusations around 8%. The average rate of unfounded reports for Index crimes is 2%. However, “unfounded” is not synonymous with false allegationand as Bruce Gross of the Forensic Examiner explains,

“This statistic is almost meaningless, as many of the jurisdictions from which the FBI collects data on crime use different definitions of, or criteria for, “unfounded.” That is, a report of rape might be classified as unfounded (rather than as forcible rape) if the alleged victim did not try to fight off the suspect, if the alleged perpetrator did not use physical force or a weapon of some sort, if the alleged victim did not sustain any physical injuries, or if the alleged victim and the accused had a prior sexual relationship. Similarly, a report might be deemed unfounded if there is no physical evidence or too many inconsistencies between the accuser’s statement and what evidence does exist. As such, although some unfounded cases of rape may be false or fabricated, not all unfounded cases are false.” (Emphasis mine)

It’s time to end this now. If we want the outside world to know that bsdm doesn’t equal abuse, then we need to make sure that’s true to the best of our ability. I’m thrilled that I’ve seen signs of people waking up and speaking out. But we still have a long way to go.

Are you an activist or an enabler?

______________________________________________________________________________

Kitty Stryker has been tackling the topic:
Safe/Ward: A What You Can Do Guide

Safe/Ward Blog Carnival (trigger warning) This link will lead you to a cornucopia of blog posts by kinkster women who have been violated at some point or another, often not speaking out until years later.

If you’ve been subjected to assault or abuse, RAINN is a good resource for information. I found that even being at a sex party didn’t make the professional counselors I went to dismiss what happened to me. (I tried coping for 2-3 months on my own because I was afraid I’d be blamed.) I’m sure a few asshole therapists out there would blame the victim, but most professionals do not.

I’m one of those kinksters who will lend an ear to any survivor who needs to talk. There are a few more out there. Let’s make THOSE voices the ones that are heard.

Happy Sub

Published on August 3, 2011 in bdsm, blow jobs, caning, D/s, dom, forced orgasm, happy, horny, kink, masochism, neurosis, orgasm on command, sadism, sex, sex parties, spanking, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

So I must take a moment here to say that the rest of the weekend was better than the night of my last post. On Saturday, MasterDoc and I went on an outing to Rye Playland (an amusement park in existence since 1927) hosted by another kinkster. It was fun but I have too many back issues to make riding most rides fun or smart. I rode a few. Mostly I used it as an excuse to eat junk food. I hadn’t had cotton candy in ages, and I split a cup of Carvel ice cream with MasterDoc. (We split a wrap for lunch too.) While, granted, I indulged in not one but TWO junk foods, I was pleasantly surprised when I worked out the calorie content of the day.

I had to nap when we got home since we had been out late the previous night (when I had my meltdown). When I got up, I asked MasterDoc if we were going to the party we were invited to for that night. He decided that we would skip the party. I’m sure he didn’t want to risk a repeat of the night before, however this other party usually has guests older than I am so I don’t have young, hot things to feel intimidated by. I’m feeling better about my body, but the day after I was still fragile.

I was perfectly happy to spend the night in with MasterDoc, however. We ran into an issue that sometimes comes up – we plan to have sex but get distracted. And I have some weird issue (I’ve lost count which one this is. If I could get paid by the neurosis, I’d be set for life.) about not initiating because I don’t want to “bother” him. He’s already told me that it’s silly and he would always welcome a cuddle, at minimum. Even if I don’t get sex, I love cuddles with him and it would be worth it to speak up. I need a minimum of cuddles. While I hate going for a long time without sex with him, I’d have a much harder time without cuddles.

Kinky freaks need cuddles too!

After sorting out my issue, he bathed and I set up the bedroom. In the time I had alone I suddenly realized that if he’s my Dom, then his opinion (about my body/looks) is the only one that should matter. He was thrilled to hear me say it.

The sex from that night is a blur – hot, orgasmic, intimate. He made me come until I was exhausted. The man just keeps getting better and better.

The following night, we dressed up to the nines for a 60′s themed party. We got to the club, rang the buzzer and right then MasterDoc realized the party is next week. *facepalm* He was disappointed, but I just looked at it as an opportunity for more sex at home – which again, was hot. I’ve been getting so much sex with DeeDee away. I miss her but I’m enjoying all the MasterDoc attention while it lasts.

When I headed home from work on Tuesday, I got hopeful for even more sex. When I told MasterDoc this, he casually mentioned that he had treated himself to a little playtime with someone earlier that day – but he had planned on giving me the long overdue beating I needed. It’s cute how he never named who came over, and since he’s the Dom he can do as he chooses. I trust that he always uses condoms. My brain is curious, but I’ve let him have his little secret without trying to pry it out of him. (I don’t know that prying would be successful with him anyway.)

He had me suck his cock while he planned out the scene. I love getting his cock hard. It starts out all flaccid but before long it’s perfectly rigid. I love playing with different licks, sucks and movements to see when I can get an involuntary twitch of pleasure out of him.

Using a cane, paint stirrer and riding crop, he beat my ass something fierce. I think his technique is getting even better – this time he seemed to do a lot of lighter tapping followed by the hard strikes. He said my ass was a lovely shade of red by the end. Too bad I don’t seem to have marks for reminders the next day though. He followed up the beating with fucking me while I was still on hands and knees. (I love my Liberator Axis. I don’t know what I’d do without that to rest on so comfortably. Way better than a pillow because it’s firm.) He made me come until my brain was on another planet. I lay in place over the axis for a moment after he finished, unable to move. I eventually managed to push it to the side and collapse on the bed.

Post-coital cuddles were lovely. I positively glowed with how happy I was. Since I can be so negative when I get depressed, I’m on a mission lately to voice when I’m overjoyed with him. I think MasterDoc is awesome. Around this time four years ago we met and I’m so happy I gave this older guy a chance. He’s been the best lover I’ve ever had, an intelligent mentor I can always ask for advice, and a loving but firm Dom.

Not to mention we can be silly together and laugh so much.

Perving Time, Dear Readers

Published on July 28, 2011 in bdsm, D/s, embarrassment, emotions, forced orgasm, happy, humiliation play, kink, masochism, masturbation, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, piss play, sadism, sex, sex toys, submissive, trust and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Finally, I’m going to write about hot sex! Get your lube and sex toys ready because this could be quite enjoyable. If you’re a perv, that is.

It’s funny how in a long-term relationship things can ebb and flow a bit. For a short while (a matter of weeks really) I felt a bit like I wasn’t quite in sync with MasterDoc sexually. Granted, my “not quite in sync” is still far better sex than most people have. He seemed less domly in nature for a bit, these things happen, but last night he was in an appropriately dominant and nasty mood. And it was like we were never out of sync.

I have a wonderful Dom, he listens when I mention things. I’ve mentioned recently really wanting to be actively touched (I like touching him too, but something about his hands moving over my body is awesome) and he touched me a hell of a lot last night. We had been together on the bed for a short while before his touch was driving me crazy. “That’s it. Think yourself wet,” he said. I could feel my hips bucking as if they were trying to reach for the nearest cock.

He’d stroke my face. He stroked my arms. And soon I was twitching uncontrollably. I can’t recall if he made me come with just words and non-genital touching, or if he decided to fuck me first.

He fucked me on my back, a position that we’ve come to really enjoy now that we’ve both lost some weight. He didn’t put it in right away, he had to tease me by rubbing his cock up and down my pussy. I was so close to verbally begging for his cock. I was already begging for it with my body language. He seemed to tease me much longer than usual. I wanted him so badly! Finally he fucked me, and I was well off on the journey to an orgasm. I tried to be good and hold off coming, but he kept pushing me, fucking me harder. I held out for a while (because, honestly it feels good to linger on the edge for a while), but he pushed me to the point where I couldn’t stop it. He seems to push me a lot lately with orgasms. Him exhausting me by forcing me to orgasm for long periods of time is becoming de rigeur. No, I am not complaining one bit.

I can’t recall if he slapped my face then, but at some point in the evening he slapped my face as I came. Him exerting power over me made me come even harder. I do know that at that point he grabbed onto and cradled my neck as my upper body moved forward during orgasm. It was an amazing feeling to clutch his bicep as that arm held me, him holding me to his chest so that my nose was buried in his chest hair and body scent. It felt like he was so strong and I was so taken care of, and taken over. His cock has been remaining hard lately even against my contracting vaginal muscles. So I get to feel his big cock sliding in and out of me while I come, not just leading up to it. I swear, my head will explode from this one of these days.

We took a break. He told me I could take my collar off, but I asked to keep it on. I was enjoying subspace and wanted to stay there. He let me keep it on, and somehow I managed to slip in a slightly sarcastic joke about how hard MasterDoc’s life is – i.e., He’ll manage somehow as I be subservient and helpful to him.

He watched some of the Yankee game as we both got ourselves desserts. (Yes, Doms can do things for themselves.) After a bit, he asked if I wanted more sex or not. “I’d like more, but I could be just as happy if we didn’t.”

He then gave me the two options of “no more sex tonight” or “I’ll piss on you and then take you into the bedroom and fuck you.” He was a little surprised that I chose the latter. The whole pee thing is such a mixed bunch of emotions for me. I hate the act, it’s terribly humiliating even if it’s just him and I in the bathroom. But I need him to sometimes make me do things he likes and I hate, because in the making me do it, I feel so submissive. The things we do put me into different headspace. It may seem like torture to a regular person, but for me it makes chemicals in my brain do amazing things. I can get such calm, and an almost meditative state from it. And there is a part of me, which despite my laziness and inclination towards egalitarianism outside of D/s, likes to take care of him. To fawn over him a bit. I stood over his bath last night before we fooled around, constantly adjusting the temperature so it would be just how he likes it. I told him I felt like an English butler. And there certainly is overlap in the duties of a submissive and a butler.

But the poor butler doesn’t get fucked to wild orgasms.

Back to our evening. MasterDoc was drinking water and hoping he’d be able to pee soon. I took that time to play games on my phone and generally distract myself from what was going to happen. He lamented, “The tribulations of a Dom! I’m planning to pee on you but then my cock gets hard thinking about it and I can’t pee with a hard cock!” (His life is so rough, I know.) He took me into the bedroom first and fucked me. I was thrilled about that. I love his cock! Plus a part of me hoped it would help him forget the whole peeing on me thing. Needless to say, I came a whole bunch again. He really worked at getting me highly aroused.

After some recovery from the coming – seriously folks, my body was tired - he ordered me into the bathroom. Urgh. I put on the knee pads and sat on the toilet lid waiting for him. I felt like it was diabolically ingenious for him to send me there to wait so I could stare at the tub and know what was going to be done to me shortly in there.

When he came in, he explained that this is the way it would work for the evening – he had put a condom on, he planned to piss in it and rub it against me, and I knew instinctively that he would pour it on me eventually. Or perhaps he mentioned it, I’m not sure. I burned with embarrassment. Just the idea of the humiliation of him rubbing his piss filled condom on me made me turn my head to the wall, quite involuntarily. I felt honest to goodness humiliation. I switched on my siri vibe when he told me to, and started playing with myself.

He started pissing and I closed my eyes as I often do, but he ordered me to look at the condom as he filled it. He rubbed it on my tits, and told me to suck on the condom a bit. Again, more humiliation, plus some disgust. I could smell the piss through the condom and made sure not to suck too hard on it lest it break.

And I suppose the most humiliating thing was the fact that with the help of my vibe (and being highly aroused already from the sex we had) I came when he told me to, and he laughed a bit as I continued to burn with humiliation while coming. He poured the contents of the condom over my breasts. I think he may have pissed directly on me too, but I was too deep in subspace to quite know what was going on.

Immediately after, I felt like a hungover person suddenly opening their eyes to find the aftermath of the party they had last night. You look around, feel confused about where you are for a moment, then things start to come into focus. Aftercare was definitely in order, but there was the little matter of being covered in piss. I showered off, and he met me in the bedroom.

Cuddling led to more orgasms. His touch feels amazing to me. He can make me come so easily. It really is astounding. I feel almost like it’s a magic trick we do. “Abra-cadabra! Watch this lady orgasm from my hand resting on her shoulder!” At some point he said, “I think you’ve had enough young lady,” as I was clearly getting aroused yet again. But I explained him that, indeed, I had had plenty of orgasms and I was just enjoying how wonderful it felt for him to touch me. Reaching an orgasm from it wasn’t the goal, even if I was twitching like I do on the way there.

Intensity

Published on July 18, 2011 in anxiety, bdsm, caning, D/s, dom, forced orgasm, kink, masochism, masturbation, orgasm on command, restraints, sadism, sex, shio, spanking, squirting, sub drop, submissive and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

I feel bad that I haven’t covered the hot sex I have with MasterDoc as often lately on this blog. It’s noteworthy sex, but I’m feeling so lazy about blogging (or just plain busy) that I often don’t get to it. I have notes to work from about a hot encounter last week, and I’m sure memories of more recent scenes will pop in. This post may be a conglomeration of various times rather than a straight narrative.

From early last week, I remember the endless twitching of my body as he touched me. I’m so sensitive to his touch that my body reacts even if my mind hasn’t caught up yet. The twitches have become involuntary muscle movements. He sucked on a nipple as I diddled myself to orgasm. (Remembering this makes me want to go diddle myself now.)

He fucked me next, taking a moment to slap my pussy with his cock. My sensitive clit loved this. He fucked me til I came, which doesn’t take long. I was in another world and even ceased to be aware of the fact that I was being fucked while on my back – I was so disoriented with orgasm. He kept hard and kept fucking me while I came. When my pussy pushed his cock out, he slapped my pussy with it again. This caused me to squirt and could feel a splash as he slapped his cock against my pussy right before fucking me again. Getting a rain shower of one’s own come is certainly something different.

I was already worn out from exercise and now the orgasms. Orgasming like that is a very intense experience. I lost touch with all around me, and all I knew is that I came. That, and I was exhausted. Next he had me on all fours playing with myself with vibe while he caned me, hitting pretty hard. I had put the canes out myself, so I was delighted that he used them. I thought how hot it was to take pain for him. I can’t always manage to eroticize pain, but it’s awesome when I do. Taking pain became a deeply submissive act for me. I came as he alternated caning, hand slaps, and playing with my pussy.

He spanked, paddled and caned me again yesterday. MasterDoc pushed my limits and I even felt some fear – as he’d touch me gently, I’d remain tense worried that he’d hit me again. And often he did. Somehow I enjoy that fear in small amounts. He hasn’t instilled as much fear in me lately and to be honest I missed it. (Note that this is fear with someone I trust and know won’t ultimately damage me.) The scene was fantastically intense, and he hovered over my body as he made me come, and put some pressure on my throat. I have anxieties about being unable to breathe, so my brain read things as even more intense than they were. (I truly panicked that he would make me pass out, something which, while I trust him to be careful and take care of me, makes me downright phobic. He wasn’t holding my throat in such a way as to make that possible. But a part of me wants to let him go that far, like it would be a good experience to finally truly let go of control like that.) The spanking yesterday left my ass sore for a while. I wasn’t sure I could handle the pain he was dishing out, but as always I was just fine after the pain stopped. (Something I’ve been learning while doing bdsm, pain can be difficult to stand acutely, but I will return to normal as soon as it stops, and I can stand what he dishes out even if I think I can’t at the time. The fact that I always bounce back makes me feel strong, rather than weak.)

I needed a lot of aftercare after such an intense scene, but I had really needed him to be stern and Dominant with me. I felt thankful to him for giving me exactly what I needed. Cuddles helped my heightened awareness come back down to normal. The fear during the scene is one thing, it continuing after would be a problem.

Back to the other day. In the latest of his trying out unusual ways to make me orgasm, he commented that it would be interesting to make me come from pulling on my pinky finger. I said pretty much anything would work with him. I was beyond exhausted at this point. But as he ran his fingers slowly down my arm, I focused on the sensation and felt my arousal climb as his hand descended. As he massaged my pinky I came. It was diabolical how he could make me come again, quite hard, despite exhaustion, and without touching any body part traditionally considered an erogenous zone. Yesterday he did the same thing, making me come when I thought we were all over and I didn’t have the energy in me to keep going.

I hope you’re all lucky enough to have a partner who makes you come til you can’t come anymore.

Over the past week there was also some light bondage (wrists, blindfold, duct tape across mouth) as he made me come, and also I helped him come a gallon.

Hogtied

Published on July 12, 2011 in bdsm, bisexuality, blow jobs, bondage, D/s, forced orgasm, kink, lesbian, masochism, non-monogamy, restraints, sadism, sex, sex toys, shio, squirting, submissive, sybian, threesome and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Since medical play turned out to not be my thing at all, Blondie and MasterDoc planned a different role-play scene when the three of us got together last Tuesday night.

A kidnap scene was planned. Although when I say planned, I’m not sure there was a solid plan. Blondie had planned to overpower me as soon as she got to MasterDoc’s, but the surprise was a bit ruined by my coming to the door to greet her. She did cuff me immediately with actual handcuffs (I only have play ones that have a safety latch). The role play didn’t have the feeling of menace that I would hope for a kidnap scene to have. It’s a shame because one of my earliest kinky fantasies involved getting kidnapped and tied up. But I think the dynamic so far with the three of us is more lighthearted than serious.

I suggested going into the bedroom since the bed was set up, but Blondie insisted on doing a hogtie on the living room floor. She started with a chest harness type thing in rope with my hands behind my back, followed by my laying on my tummy for the rest of the hogtie. As she worked the rope, MasterDoc did things like grab me by the hair and put his foot on my head as I lay helpless on the floor. The story Blondie had worked out was that I was kidnapped to be a sex slave. I was told if I didn’t cooperate I’d be sold to a yakuza.

MasterDoc prodded my exposed pussy with his toe. Unfortunately I’m still a little too inflexible in my quads to remain in the position for too long, also the pain of my stretched muscles was too much to allow me to get aroused properly. I knew that I risked discomfort with trying rope bondage, and I ultimately knew that a hogtie would be a very difficult position for me to remain in, but I figured it was worth a try. I rode it out for a little bit but when I couldn’t ignore the pain I had to ask to be untied.

We moved to the bedroom, my arms still tied behind back. Blondie kept going with the storyline and I can’t recall why, but she had MasterDoc get a banana. I think it was because I had to be trained to take it in my mouth. As Blondie held the banana to my mouth, I licked and sucked it, and that was pretty hot. After a few moments of this, she straddled me, using the banana as a cock and I sucked her “cock.” That was pretty damn hot as well. My hands got re-secured in front, as I had a hard time laying on my arms. (I make for such a fussy kidnap-ee.)

Blondie took to my pussy. She seemed to go for as much depth as possible right away. I kept telling her it hurt, but I don’t think she knows my reactions enough to realize that I really needed some sort of warming up – such as an orgasm before she went for stretching my vaginal muscles out to ultimately fit her hand in. MasterDoc thought to add the magic wand to my clit and that was helpful while it lasted. I needed warm up desperately. I just couldn’t get there.

Eventually, with the help of the magic wand, Blondie worked four fingers into my cunt up to the base knuckle. She was going for a fisting, something which I had never experienced. The discomfort from the stretching was enough with the four fingers and we didn’t get to her whole hand. But I came from the combination of vibe on the clit and her hand probing my insides. (And coming helped relax the muscles and she could get fingers in deeper with little to no pain.)

I came like crazy and and squirted like crazy. The whole room smelled of my musky squirt afterwards, and the throe was soaked. After Blondie fucked me with her fingers, MasterDoc fucked me with his cock, and again I came.

Next, it was Blondie’s turn. (We abandoned the role play by then.) She hadn’t had a sybian ride in a while and MasterDoc had gotten a new, even larger attachment. She was totally game for it. I started warming her up, first with touching and making out, then playing with her pussy. MasterDoc joined in and she was soon ready.

She eased herself onto the large dildo attachment and MasterDoc sat in front of her to run the controls. I spanked her ass lightly, and just generally groped and touched her. At some point he and I traded places, but he kept running the controls of the machine. I let her lean on me and I kept trying to keep my ear away from her mouth as she gets incredibly loud when aroused! When she seemed close to orgasm, I lifted the front part of the silicone attachment and pressed it to her clit so the vibrations might be more intense. This seemed to work well.

It was getting late, and Blondie packed up her rope to head home. I said, “Thanks for coming, I had a great time.”

She said, “Oh don’t be so formal! For goodness sake we just fucked!” At this, I hugged and kissed her goodbye.