As we discussed my reluctance to kiss him in the kitchen the night before, I had the rather odd thought that I love how he’s scientific. I hadn’t kissed him at his request because I was worried I was still contagious. He pointed out that you’re only really particularly contagious for the day before you get sick, and the first couple of days after. I love that he trusts in science, unlike so many of us, and simply ceased to worry about my flu being contagious after the usual few days of contagion. (It also helps, I’m sure, that he got the flu shot.) I love how very rational he is.

It was wonderful to submit to how much his every touch turns me on. Through just gentle caresses he can have me quivering and ready to come. Some dominants seem to think that having control means bossing their subs around and constantly asserting their dominance. I think MasterDoc has real control – if he wants to make me come I am helpless to stop it. He doesn’t need to assert himself constantly. He knows he has control over me. He made a comment last night, while reaching out to grasp my hair in his hand, about the pleasure of seeing the ownership he has over me. I loved hearing that term. While I usually associate ownership with slaves and I still identify wholeheartedly as a sub, I have lately felt like I want to acknowledge his ownership of me. (Such as, in the status part of my fetlife profile.) And it’s interesting to me how you can be a poly sub, and very much owned by one person, but fuck others and not have that take away from your owner/pet relationship.

I used the word pet there because, strangely, last night we got to talking about whether I see myself as a kitty or a puppy. I don’t relate to cats at all (lifelong cat allergy saw to that) but I love dogs. I can totally see myself as a puppy. We’ve been discussing how I need a “totem” around MasterDoc’s place – DeeDee has the glamorous stuffed sheep, “Miss Ganoush” (as in BaaBaa Ganoush), MasterDoc is represented by the stuffed dog I’ve dubbed Brian after the dog on Family Guy. Like MasterDoc, Brian will sleep with a variety of women. I cuddle him when I’m there, but so does another of MasterDoc’s girlfriends when she visits. I suppose we could consider me the puppy. A puppy doesn’t go out dogging around like the grown dog, instead she is all cute and playful and attached to her owner. I need to find an adorable stuffed puppy to represent me.

I think it’s funny how bdsm relationships grow and evolve. I would never have thought of anyone as a puppy except the submissive playmate MasterDoc has who he calls “Puppy.” But I suppose it’s easy to have more than one puppy around. I’ve never cared much for age play or puppy play in the past, but lately I like being able to be little, helpless and taken care of now and then. And I have to say I’m definitely a puppy rather than a kitty or pony.

MasterDoc made me weak all over and made me come with little effort as usual. As he started slapping my pussy during orgasm I started to squirt. After, he declared that I was a very dirty girl. After being a very ill girl for the past week, it felt good to be sexual again.

He fucked me bent over the Liberator Axis. Having support was extra important because of my fatigue. As he fucked me I wondered if I was too tired to come. Then I realized that wasn’t such a bad thing – he could then fuck me until he came. He doesn’t often manage to come from fucking me and I love when he does. He later said that he nearly came. Despite thinking I was too tired for orgasm, when he held his cock firmly in my cunt, preparing for my spasming muscles, and then told me to come, come I did.

He also played around with the vampire gloves I got for his birthday. I had underestimated just how huge his hands are and ordered large instead of x-large. I had to return them for the x-large and they came in yesterday. When run over some parts of my body, the tines tickled, then they lightly scratched over other parts and with a little pressure, on my ass they hurt. You can get a bunch of sensations out of the gloves.

I begged for a rest, and while he was definitely going to give me the rest, he kept getting distracted by touching me. At one point I was so near orgasm that I had to sigh when he suddenly stopped. He thought he was being good and letting me rest, but it was downright painful not to come at that point.

He wanted me to massage his prostate but when I became too tired to stay awake he tucked me into bed. I love that he understands that being ill means I don’t have the energy for some things, and not that I’m trying to shirk duties.

Reconnecting, or His Young Bitch originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on December 24, 2010.

It was the usual monthly fetish party we go to, we’re gradually getting to know people and become more friendly with others which definitely improves the party. Blondie came too, and didn’t bring a play partner along like she was going to initially. I got to play with her while MasterDoc gave sybian rides and that was great. Sitting around bored sucks, having fun at a party is much better.

Also, a woman I had been talking to for about one day on a dating site mentioned going to a fetish party, and upon asking I found it was the same one I was going to. I invited her to say hello which she did. Turns out she’s quite the enthusiastic slut but I didn’t do anything with her. Unfortunately she distracted me from playing with Blondie’s tits while MasterDoc gave her a sybian ride.

I flirted some more with Sofija (as I always do at these parties) and yearned for her strap on. I grabbed at it and played around with it. I manage to flirt openly with her because the flirtation is always returned. As she hung on the shoulder of an older guy, someone different than the many other people I’ve seen her flirting with and hanging on, I told her I think she’s an even bigger slut than I am. She couldn’t deny it. Of course it’s frustrating to know this sexy woman is a slut and yet she still hasn’t done me!

Or, hadn’t done me. I’ll get to that in a bit.

I had a particularly good time since I got attention from both MasterDoc and Blondie. The two of them had me bend over a sofa in my schoolgirl outfit (there was a schoolgirl/littles kind of theme) and gave me a joint spanking. MasterDoc slipped his hand between my legs so he could hold my Lelo Siri by my clit. All the stimulation got me worked up in no time, and when MasterDoc gave me the command I came. The orgasm came to a bit of a premature end because the spanking I was getting from Blondie hurt just a little too much. While I’m a masochist, I don’t have a high pain tolerance.

I watched MasterDoc give a few sybian rides. The party host wanted one of his ladies to ride it but face the crowd. MasterDoc likes the intimacy of giving a face-to-face sybian ride, but, ever the gentleman, he did as asked. Luckily I had a stroke of inspiration and started sucking his cock while he ran the controls. Picture a hot lady riding the sybian on the floor, while MasterDoc and I sit behind her on a sofa, and I reach over to pull his cock out of his pants and start sucking it. He’s running the sybian controls over my head as I blow him.

Blondie was interested in playing and MasterDoc was happy for me to be kept busy. She took me off to a dark corner and sat me down in a wooden chair. She unbuttoned and opened my white blouse and took my tits out of my bra. (I wore white lace underwear in keeping with the schoolgirl theme.) She has a bit of a fetish for breasts hanging out of a bra that is otherwise still on. It’s certainly an easy fetish to indulge, and I find being half-dressed to be pretty sexy as well. She used our toys and ran the wartenburg wheel over my tits. Gently and then pressing hard now and then. She is definitely capable of giving more pain than I can handle. I’ll be happy for her to use that sadism on men (or women) other than me! As she touched and ran the wheel over me I twitched excitedly. She asked if I had something inside me but no, I was aroused by just the non-genital stimulation I was getting. She tucked the Siri snug into my panties so it buzzed against my clit. MasterDoc joined us and I got to come again. Lucky me!

Blondie and MasterDoc placed me over a spanking bench (unfortunately not padded!) and she started in on role playing, something MasterDoc and I don’t really do much of. She took up the naughty school girl theme, telling me she saw me on the playground lifting my skirt and showing myself to those men. She gave me a spanking for being such a naughty girl. MasterDoc, meanwhile, got the host to snag Sofija – finally she was going to use her strap on on me! I was placed kneeling on a bed, and Sofija fucked me with the dildo, first in her strap on harness, then when it came out of the harness (it’s my pussy of steel ya know) she fucked me with it using her hand. Blondie meanwhile sat in front of me with one of my dildoes and told me to suck it. MasterDoc orchestrated the whole thing and I came so hard when he told me to. I kept coming and coming and couldn’t stop. My abdominal muscles were sore after! I lay on my back to recover and I twitched for a while at even the most innocuous touch.

Blondie had to get going, so MasterDoc walked her to the subway. When he came back the party host had two, hot 18 year old women ready to ride the sybian. One went on the sybian while the other sat in front of her on a chair. The woman on the sybian ate the other girl out. Needless to say, the young hotties garnered much attention. Later, they switched roles. I marveled at how being young and in shape enables a woman to hold her legs up for a long time. I would have had to put mine down much faster. Both of these ladies were adorable and the stuff of porn movies. Seriously, it should have been filmed.

We stumbled out of there late, and I was more exhausted than I’d ever been. The next morning when I woke up to body aches in addition to the runny nose I had the day before, I knew that I had pushed myself too much by going out. But so long as I haven’t done any harm to anyone else, it was worth it.

School Girl Night originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on December 22, 2010.

I want to talk today about clinical depression. There’s still enough of a stigma against it that it can be terrifying to be openly depressed (or suffer from any other mental illness). While I did have a lot of nice people send tweets of support, I still felt afraid that I’d be perceived as “crazy” and therefore undesirable. (I also worry that people like the guy who assaulted me will use it against me to dismiss my claims of being assaulted.) Granted, being depressed adds to this feeling of being lesser – it’s part of the issue in the first place. When I’m depressed I feel overwhelmingly sad, overwhelmingly bad about myself (I kept thinking that I’m too much trouble and that MasterDoc and Davey would be better off without me), and I feel guilty asking for help. MasterDoc was spending the weekend at DeeDee’s for the first time, and last thing I wanted to do was ruin his or her weekend. When depressed, I don’t have energy to do much, and I don’t get pleasure out of much either. I felt so depressed yesterday afternoon that I actually told MasterDoc that I didn’t have any interest in sex right then. (Yes, I know, can you imagine??)

But I really needed to seek help. Part of the complexity of depression is that you withdraw, you think you’re not worth helping right at the time you need help the most. And I have to say that it is definitely an illness – I couldn’t  control my dark mood any more than I could control my gall stone attack a few weeks ago. When it comes to physical ailments, we shuffle people off to the doctor or emergency room right away for treatment, even if it’s just to reduce the pain via painkillers. But with mental illness people often look the other way – they don’t want to embarrass the person who’s depressed and since curing depression isn’t as easy as a shot of painkiller (wish it was) they feel helpless. So they give the person space. But if we treated other ailments that way it would seem crazy, wouldn’t it? To ignore a gall stone attack while it’s put someone in agonizing pain seems absurd, but ignoring a bout of depression which has similarly put the subject in pain is not unusual.

While I’m depressed and pushing people away, I’m also hoping that someone will ignore my pushes and come in and take care of me. I want nothing more than to be reassured that I’m not worthless. As the depression lifts, I can see that my thinking has been irrational and was caused by being mentally ill but in the midst of it it’s practically impossible to see. And it hurts. Being depressed hurts. Maybe not in the same morphine-fixable way that gall stone pain does, but it’s an agonizing emotional pain.

When dealing with someone who’s mentally ill, please don’t ever tell them to just “cheer up.” My friend and I were laughing about this yesterday. “Haha, yeah I hate when people think that’s gonna help. “OMG, I hadn’t thought of that! ‘Just feel better’ – You’re a genius!” she said. I agreed that it’s just as hard to will the pain of mental illness away as it is to will the pain of my gall stones away. (Or will away cancer, or a heart attack.) “Exactly! Its miraculous! I can feel better whenever I want, and I CHOOSE to be miserable like this! -facepalm- “ It really helps to talk with someone who understands. I do not choose to be depressed. I cannot just make it go away. I do take medication for it but medication is imperfect. It feels lousy to be mentally ill – the longer I live with it the more I see it as an illness just like any physical one. It has an onset, I feel really unwell for a while, and then gradually it improves and goes away.

But even though I’ve long been open about my depression (I think we need to be open to get rid of the stupid stigma) when I’m actually depressed I stigmatize myself. I’ve been understanding that since I sprained my wrist late last week that I have to coddle it and rely more on my other arm. But I’ve been much less understanding that I need to coddle my psyche and lean on MasterDoc’s mind for a while. As a submissive, I feel it’s my job to take care and to not be any work. It’s hard for me to truly let my defenses down and let someone in to the whack-a-doodle shit going on in my brain. I wrote a blog entry offline to work on expressing my feelings. I only just showed it to MasterDoc and I doubt I’ll post it here. He didn’t think it sounds as crazy as I thought it did. It’s scary to do so though, because even in the midst of it you know it’s disordered thinking and sharing it with someone is terrifying. You become a prisoner in your own mind. Reaching out to connect with someone else is often the biggest help, but the hardest thing to do.

I’m not 100% back to normal as of yet. But the fog has lifted somewhat, and I’ve managed to open up to help and support from people around me finally.

Depression originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on September 22, 2009.

So on to the news. Yes, yesterday I was with MasterDoc and I turned down the idea of sex. I know, I know it’s amazing but it does happen from time to time and being sick is definitely up there on the list of reasons to turn down sex. I’m just too tired and battling occasional nausea. I was going to help MasterDoc jerk off but I found that it was even hard to watch porn because the gagging on cock scenes made me more queasy. In the end, he went and took care of things himself while I zoned out on the sofa in front of the tv. It was really weird to have him doing things for me. It’s wonderful that he will take care of me when I’m sick but of course it makes the dynamic go a bit pear-shaped temporarily. I found myself getting up and getting drinks and putting away clean dishes because I’m so used to it. I did give myself a break, however, as I really don’t feel well. I was the only one on my case to do stuff as usual, MasterDoc accepts that I’m not well and that I need a little taking care of for the time being.

We did find one fun thing to do together yesterday, and that was reviewing my bdsm checklist. (Quite like the one found here.) If you do bdsm, you have probably come across checklists before. They’re pretty useful when you’re playing with someone new to find out what their limits and interests are. He had me fill it out when I first met him, and then again review it a few months later to see if anything had changed. We went through the list this time together and he made notes for future reference. *grin*

Hey, if you can’t have sex, the next best thing is to talk about it!

While the focus sometimes feels like it’s on what limits of mine have weakened and can be pushed, he also pays attention to areas that have perhaps been neglected – things that I wish we would do more or things that we both have an interest in doing but haven’t done. It’s interesting how in the course of a D/s relationship your limits – or what you perceive to be your limits – can change. Things that I first put down as a hard limit (rimming, being peed on) are things I’ve now done. I’m sure some people will be up in arms at the idea of a Dom “going there” with a subs’ “hard limits” but it’s interesting how you can adjust to things when they’re talked about a lot beforehand. MasterDoc has proven very good at discerning what are my truly hard limits (choking, because being asthmatic I’ve dealt with the very scary feeling of not being able to breathe and I don’t like it) and what are things that I find distasteful but will survive doing without mental scars (rimming, pee). Over the course of my explorations in bdsm I’ve found things that initially put me off now seem fascinating – like needle play. There’s some things I’m excited that we’re planning to do (butt plug under clothes out in public, like when we go to a swing club) and things that make me nervous (peeing in front of an audience) but somehow play into the fact that I do like some humiliation and fear play. (And MasterDoc is oh so good at fear play – mainly because the things he threatens he might really do! I have reason to be afraid! You really never know what he’s saying just to scare you and what he’s saying because he plans to do it down the line. Yes, I can see that this situation would not be for everyone.) Reviewing the list was fun but also made me a wee bit nervous.

Newsflash: Nadia Turns Down Sex! originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on December 18, 2008.

No Fun originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on April 6, 2007.

Each day I feel a little better, but it’s such a drag to be sick this long. I want to feel normal and healthy again. I’d like to have a sex drive again.

Yesterday in therapy I talked about the incident where it turns out the Latina knows asshole. I just hate how this brings up all the old feelings – the feelings I want to put behind me. I had a hard time falling asleep last night concocting a long fantasy of him getting charged and convicted for what he did. In my fantasies he always comes to realize that what he did was wrong, and apologizes for what he did. And in most of the fantasies I don’t forgive him. Why the fuck would I give him the satisfaction of being forgiven? Fact is, he’s never given me the satisfaction of taking responsibility for what he did, so I have no desire whatsoever to give him any sort of satisfaction. I hope he rots. I hope he’s still drinking heavily and he drinks himself to death. He’s one of the very few people on this earth who I hate. Really and truly hate.

Unfortunately that hatred keeps me angry and keeps me chained to the memory of what happened. I’d like to move on but really, how can I forgive and forget? I hope there’s some way I can forget even if I don’t forgive.

The Illness Continues originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on March 6, 2007.

I’m excited because Davey and I have talked about saving up to buy a townhouse/condo sometime. God knows how long it will take on my salary to save half the down payment, but I’m determined. And when I’m determined to do something it happens. (I’ve got that scorpio determination.) I’ve had it with living in other people’s houses, first my father’s and now my landlord’s. Our apartment isn’t a bad space, it’s just not that private being in a house that was originally a one-family. I crave quiet and privacy so I can get up to any little thing my naughty mind desires – that and sleep. Sad thing is, I think I’m more keen on sleep these days than sex. When I’m this tired the idea of sex just seems exhausting. Sad state of affairs.

Sunday originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on March 4, 2007.

I’ve spent so much time in my life being sick. I have lots of childhood memories of being in bed for days on end and most of those illnesses were like this one – exhausting lung ailments that don’t seem to want to go away. In my teens and twenties things changed over to sinus and ear infections but recently my lungs seem to be getting in the picture more and more.

I’m foggy-headed and restless. I’m unable to sit still but unable to do much either. I wish I could just sleep until this goes away, but I can’t get to sleep.

This past year I’ve been healthier than before (I attribute it to Davey cooking food with lots of fresh ingredients for me, plus living with him is far more calming than living with my parents ever was) so I suppose I shouldn’t wallow in self-pity over this current illness. But I’m at the whiny stage of being sick. I’m just a cranky whiny bitch.

Whine, whine, whine.

Much Whining Ahead originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on March 1, 2007.

*whine**moan*

I feel tired, headachy, achy and miserable.

Sick originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on February 26, 2007.