Archive for the 'illness' Category

Depression

Published on September 22, 2009 in Uncategorized, anxiety, crazy, depression, derangement, embarrassment, emotions, illness, mental illness, musings and neurosis. 1 Comment

Those of you who follow this blog and my twitter know that I’ve been dealing with a pretty big bout of depression the past few days. Today it’s starting to lift a bit, and hopefully will soon pass. I get to see MasterDoc today, and Shane came over last night to spend some time. Both of them are great to cuddle, as well as enjoyable to spend time with. I’ll talk about the naughty bits of my evening with Shane in another post. Davey comes home just in time for MasterDoc to go away again – so I won’t be sitting around alone for another weekend.

I want to talk today about clinical depression. There’s still enough of a stigma against it that it can be terrifying to be openly depressed (or suffer from any other mental illness). While I did have a lot of nice people send tweets of support, I still felt afraid that I’d be perceived as “crazy” and therefore undesirable. (I also worry that people like the guy who assaulted me will use it against me to dismiss my claims of being assaulted.) Granted, being depressed adds to this feeling of being lesser – it’s part of the issue in the first place. When I’m depressed I feel overwhelmingly sad, overwhelmingly bad about myself (I kept thinking that I’m too much trouble and that MasterDoc and Davey would be better off without me), and I feel guilty asking for help. MasterDoc was spending the weekend at DeeDee’s for the first time, and last thing I wanted to do was ruin his or her weekend. When depressed, I don’t have energy to do much, and I don’t get pleasure out of much either. I felt so depressed yesterday afternoon that I actually told MasterDoc that I didn’t have any interest in sex right then. (Yes, I know, can you imagine??)

But I really needed to seek help. Part of the complexity of depression is that you withdraw, you think you’re not worth helping right at the time you need help the most. And I have to say that it is definitely an illness – I couldn’t  control my dark mood any more than I could control my gall stone attack a few weeks ago. When it comes to physical ailments, we shuffle people off to the doctor or emergency room right away for treatment, even if it’s just to reduce the pain via painkillers. But with mental illness people often look the other way – they don’t want to embarrass the person who’s depressed and since curing depression isn’t as easy as a shot of painkiller (wish it was) they feel helpless. So they give the person space. But if we treated other ailments that way it would seem crazy, wouldn’t it? To ignore a gall stone attack while it’s put someone in agonizing pain seems absurd, but ignoring a bout of depression which has similarly put the subject in pain is not unusual.

While I’m depressed and pushing people away, I’m also hoping that someone will ignore my pushes and come in and take care of me. I want nothing more than to be reassured that I’m not worthless. As the depression lifts, I can see that my thinking has been irrational and was caused by being mentally ill but in the midst of it it’s practically impossible to see. And it hurts. Being depressed hurts. Maybe not in the same morphine-fixable way that gall stone pain does, but it’s an agonizing emotional pain.

When dealing with someone who’s mentally ill, please don’t ever tell them to just “cheer up.” My friend and I were laughing about this yesterday. “Haha, yeah I hate when people think that’s gonna help. “OMG, I hadn’t thought of that! ‘Just feel better’ – You’re a genius!” she said. I agreed that it’s just as hard to will the pain of mental illness away as it is to will the pain of my gall stones away. (Or will away cancer, or a heart attack.) “Exactly! Its miraculous! I can feel better whenever I want, and I CHOOSE to be miserable like this! -facepalm- “ It really helps to talk with someone who understands. I do not choose to be depressed. I cannot just make it go away. I do take medication for it but medication is imperfect. It feels lousy to be mentally ill – the longer I live with it the more I see it as an illness just like any physical one. It has an onset, I feel really unwell for a while, and then gradually it improves and goes away.

But even though I’ve long been open about my depression (I think we need to be open to get rid of the stupid stigma) when I’m actually depressed I stigmatize myself. I’ve been understanding that since I sprained my wrist late last week that I have to coddle it and rely more on my other arm. But I’ve been much less understanding that I need to coddle my psyche and lean on MasterDoc’s mind for a while. As a submissive, I feel it’s my job to take care and to not be any work. It’s hard for me to truly let my defenses down and let someone in to the whack-a-doodle shit going on in my brain. I wrote a blog entry offline to work on expressing my feelings. I only just showed it to MasterDoc and I doubt I’ll post it here. He didn’t think it sounds as crazy as I thought it did. It’s scary to do so though, because even in the midst of it you know it’s disordered thinking and sharing it with someone is terrifying. You become a prisoner in your own mind. Reaching out to connect with someone else is often the biggest help, but the hardest thing to do.

I’m not 100% back to normal as of yet. But the fog has lifted somewhat, and I’ve managed to open up to help and support from people around me finally.

Newsflash: Nadia Turns Down Sex!

Published on December 18, 2008 in D/s, Uncategorized, analingus, bdsm, edge play, illness, piss play, sex and trust. 0 Comments

It’s been a craptacular week all around. If you follow my twitter you know I’ve been sick with a stomach virus the past few days. I feel pretty awful. I also heard about some bad news at work. The economy is definitely affecting libraries, meanwhile usage stats are going up! Please, support your local library. They provide knowledge, entertainment and internet access for FREE and are a vital service to a healthy community, especially in these hard times.

So on to the news. Yes, yesterday I was with MasterDoc and I turned down the idea of sex. I know, I know it’s amazing but it does happen from time to time and being sick is definitely up there on the list of reasons to turn down sex. I’m just too tired and battling occasional nausea. I was going to help MasterDoc jerk off but I found that it was even hard to watch porn because the gagging on cock scenes made me more queasy. In the end, he went and took care of things himself while I zoned out on the sofa in front of the tv. It was really weird to have him doing things for me. It’s wonderful that he will take care of me when I’m sick but of course it makes the dynamic go a bit pear-shaped temporarily. I found myself getting up and getting drinks and putting away clean dishes because I’m so used to it. I did give myself a break, however, as I really don’t feel well. I was the only one on my case to do stuff as usual, MasterDoc accepts that I’m not well and that I need a little taking care of for the time being.

We did find one fun thing to do together yesterday, and that was reviewing my bdsm checklist. (Quite like the one found here.) If you do bdsm, you have probably come across checklists before. They’re pretty useful when you’re playing with someone new to find out what their limits and interests are. He had me fill it out when I first met him, and then again review it a few months later to see if anything had changed. We went through the list this time together and he made notes for future reference. *grin*

Hey, if you can’t have sex, the next best thing is to talk about it!

While the focus sometimes feels like it’s on what limits of mine have weakened and can be pushed, he also pays attention to areas that have perhaps been neglected – things that I wish we would do more or things that we both have an interest in doing but haven’t done. It’s interesting how in the course of a D/s relationship your limits – or what you perceive to be your limits – can change. Things that I first put down as a hard limit (rimming, being peed on) are things I’ve now done. I’m sure some people will be up in arms at the idea of a Dom “going there” with a subs’ “hard limits” but it’s interesting how you can adjust to things when they’re talked about a lot beforehand. MasterDoc has proven very good at discerning what are my truly hard limits (choking, because being asthmatic I’ve dealt with the very scary feeling of not being able to breathe and I don’t like it) and what are things that I find distasteful but will survive doing without mental scars (rimming, pee). Over the course of my explorations in bdsm I’ve found things that initially put me off now seem fascinating – like needle play. There’s some things I’m excited that we’re planning to do (butt plug under clothes out in public, like when we go to a swing club) and things that make me nervous (peeing in front of an audience) but somehow play into the fact that I do like some humiliation and fear play. (And MasterDoc is oh so good at fear play – mainly because the things he threatens he might really do! I have reason to be afraid! You really never know what he’s saying just to scare you and what he’s saying because he plans to do it down the line. Yes, I can see that this situation would not be for everyone.) Reviewing the list was fun but also made me a wee bit nervous.

No Fun

Published on April 6, 2007 in gums and illness. 0 Comments

I had some gum grafting done today. Yup, that’s pretty much what it sounds like – the periodontist pulled some of my gum away from my teeth, then sliced a piece from the roof of my mouth and planted it in the part he had pulled away and sutured it in. It’s really up for debate whether this or having my wisdom teeth extracted last year is worse. I’m sore but hanging in there. I just can’t eat anything hot or hard right now. I have to baby it for the next ten days and hope it heals right. Damn my poor gum health. I have to have this done again on the other side of my mouth too. Ick.

The Illness Continues

Published on March 6, 2007 in assault and illness. 5 Comments

I went back to the doctor today. Turns out she was worried that I might have pneumonia. Ugh. But a chest x-ray later it turns out I don’t have it. I’m just taking a really long time to get over whatever this is. So I go back on the antibiotics and she’s given me prednisone, which I hate taking. It’s evil stuff. Hopefully I won’t end up sick long term like the last time I took prednisone. (It works by suppressing your immune system, which can be a bad thing if that effect lingers.)

Each day I feel a little better, but it’s such a drag to be sick this long. I want to feel normal and healthy again. I’d like to have a sex drive again.

Yesterday in therapy I talked about the incident where it turns out the Latina knows asshole. I just hate how this brings up all the old feelings – the feelings I want to put behind me. I had a hard time falling asleep last night concocting a long fantasy of him getting charged and convicted for what he did. In my fantasies he always comes to realize that what he did was wrong, and apologizes for what he did. And in most of the fantasies I don’t forgive him. Why the fuck would I give him the satisfaction of being forgiven? Fact is, he’s never given me the satisfaction of taking responsibility for what he did, so I have no desire whatsoever to give him any sort of satisfaction. I hope he rots. I hope he’s still drinking heavily and he drinks himself to death. He’s one of the very few people on this earth who I hate. Really and truly hate.

Unfortunately that hatred keeps me angry and keeps me chained to the memory of what happened. I’d like to move on but really, how can I forgive and forget? I hope there’s some way I can forget even if I don’t forgive.

Sunday

Published on March 4, 2007 in house and illness. 0 Comments

There’s been nary a blog post because I’ve had bugger all to post about. I’m still sick, getting a little better each day, but it’s slow going. I’m convinced I had the flu because the flu knocks me on my ass like this. I’m still so tired, not to mention wheezing and congested. It’s attractive, let me tell you. Don’t worry folks, I go back to my doctor on Tuesday.

I’m excited because Davey and I have talked about saving up to buy a townhouse/condo sometime. God knows how long it will take on my salary to save half the down payment, but I’m determined. And when I’m determined to do something it happens. (I’ve got that scorpio determination.) I’ve had it with living in other people’s houses, first my father’s and now my landlord’s. Our apartment isn’t a bad space, it’s just not that private being in a house that was originally a one-family. I crave quiet and privacy so I can get up to any little thing my naughty mind desires – that and sleep. Sad thing is, I think I’m more keen on sleep these days than sex. When I’m this tired the idea of sex just seems exhausting. Sad state of affairs.

Much Whining Ahead

Published on March 1, 2007 in illness. 0 Comments

I’m still dealing with being sick, and I’m to the point where I’m tired of being sick. I returned to work today but only for half a day before I felt horrible and I went home. I want to be healthy already!

I’ve spent so much time in my life being sick. I have lots of childhood memories of being in bed for days on end and most of those illnesses were like this one – exhausting lung ailments that don’t seem to want to go away. In my teens and twenties things changed over to sinus and ear infections but recently my lungs seem to be getting in the picture more and more.

I’m foggy-headed and restless. I’m unable to sit still but unable to do much either. I wish I could just sleep until this goes away, but I can’t get to sleep.

This past year I’ve been healthier than before (I attribute it to Davey cooking food with lots of fresh ingredients for me, plus living with him is far more calming than living with my parents ever was) so I suppose I shouldn’t wallow in self-pity over this current illness. But I’m at the whiny stage of being sick. I’m just a cranky whiny bitch.

Whine, whine, whine.

Sick

Published on February 26, 2007 in illness. 0 Comments

I caught a cold from Davey. We’ve worked valiantly for the past few days to keep that from happening, but this morning I succumbed. I feel like crap. I’m nearly running a fever, something which I rarely do. It’s gone straight to my lungs, which is never a good place for an asthmatic to have an infection.

*whine**moan*

I feel tired, headachy, achy and miserable.