Archive for the 'happy' Category

Troublesome Tart

Published on July 7, 2010 in D/s, Uncategorized, bdsm, bondage, cunnilingus, cunt, dom, happy, humiliation play, kink, masochism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, restraints, sadism, sex, shio, squirting and submissive. 0 Comments

Monday afternoon MasterDoc and I got some time alone, and I’m really happy to say he listened to my wishes for using bondage. *happy dance* He had me lay on the bed and he secured my wrists and ankles with the underbed restraints. I was so turned on by being restrained. No, seriously. The simple act of being bound made me hot. This is why I’ve been begging for bondage. MasterDoc teased me with his mouth. He crawled up beside me and teased me with his fingers. He sucked hard on my breasts until the pain made me moan. He got me incredibly worked up and then left me there.

I lay in the bedroom alone and bound for what felt like several minutes. Instead of letting my mind wander and get impatient, I focused on how helpless I was. I would pull against the restraints gently to remind myself that I couldn’t get up and this alone was enough to get me moaning and horny. I love fantasizing about  MasterDoc being all-powerful and me being helpless. (I can haz more pls?)

When he returned, he had an ice cube in a baggie. He knows I hate ice/being cold. But in this situation it turned me on even more because he was free to do something to me I don’t like. Yes, the helplessness again. He iced my nipple until the cold began to hurt. He followed up with the ice on my clit – again there was pain after a while but this turned me on. He worked me up and over until he shoved the ice in my pussy and made me come. Fuck. Being tormented never felt so good.

He undid one of my wrists after that, and cuddled with me a bit. He told me to undo my other wrist and while my ankles were still bound he made me come again. I was in heaven.

We took a break and fixed dinner right after this, and he said something teasingly mean in the kitchen. I told him, “You’re mean!” but a few seconds later I sheepishly admitted, “And it turns me on a lot when you’re mean.”

After dinner we sat on the sofa and looked through Kink Academy’s scene starter/humiliation cards.  Most of the humiliation term ideas were over the top for us, but it was good for a laugh. As MasterDoc read from the cards, he came across “porn addicted masturbator.”  In perfect deadpan he said, “No, that’s me,” and moved on to the next card. He found one insult that he thought suited DeeDee (especially since she was out with one of our friends fucking a friend of this friend). “Nasty greedy raunchy dirty whore” He couldn’t wait to share that with her when she got home. He also liked “semen swasher” and “troublesome tart.” (I like that one too. And, well, sometimes it fits me.)

He gave me a bit of a hard time about wanting more sex, but I protested that I didn’t think I asked for too much. I was surprised he gave me a hard time, because it was implied earlier that we’d get up to more. He took me back in the bedroom and fucked me from behind. I loved being used as his slut. I was in such a subby mindset that I kept envisioning me as just a whore with a hole for him to take his pleasure from. God that’s hot. He fucked me well twice and made me come hard, squirting all over. My vaginal muscles didn’t push him out right away, so he kept pounding me while I came. I was screaming for what seemed to be many minutes (but I have no idea how long it actually was). I hope the neighbors didn’t worry about the screaming.

Threesome of Sluts

Published on May 5, 2010 in D/s, DeeDee, Uncategorized, bdsm, bisexuality, blow jobs, happy, horny, kink, masturbation, non-monogamy, orgasm on command, poly, sex, sex toys, shio, slut, squirting, submissive and threesome. 1 Comment

I’m so lucky – I had mind-blowing sex again last night.

This time it was myself, DeeDee and MasterDoc at his place. He got the mat on the living room floor and the three of us got very naughty. I think DeeDee is going through the same sort of thing I keep going through – finding that we want to do something that’s considered “bad” and then agonizing over it a bit because we were raised to be “good” girls. But ultimately we know that it would feel hot to do said “bad” thing so we succumb to our desires… and are happier for it!

The starting details were fuzzy, but I know that I gave MasterDoc a blow job while DeeDee got some toys together. He fucked me first, probably because he knows that if I’ve come I’m thrilled over whatever else happens even if I don’t come again. If I haven’t come, I get anxious that I’m going to be left out. While he was fucking me, he pulled DeeDee in for a kiss. I wasn’t sure exactly what was going on behind my back (this was doggy style) but apparently, DeeDee came when I did while sorta humping/pressing against my leg and making out with MasterDoc. (This is how I have the story, I might be a little off on details.) I didn’t notice said leg humping as I was coming really hard and anyway I really don’t mind an attractive woman humping my leg. I squirted on the mat.

We reversed positions and I grabbed my vibe and pleasured myself while watching MasterDoc fuck DeeDee. It’s pretty damn hot to watch, and I love seeing how much MasterDoc is enjoying himself with two lovely women getting off at once. He is the man. Seriously, how many of you men out there could get two women coming really hard, simultaneously while you’re fucking one but only grabbing hold of the knee of the other one? DeeDee kept asking for more orgasms, and I found myself silently begging for more. I’m less likely to speak up than she is, but I was glad she did as I wanted to keep coming and coming. It felt so good to come we didn’t want to stop. And I can’t speak for her, but hearing her come would make me ready to come all over again.

When MasterDoc decided we had enough, he checked his phone and had to return a phone call. He told us to take care of ourselves while he was in the other room, and DeeDee said, “I’m going to interpret that to the fullest extent,” and started masturbating with the bullet vibe. I chuckled and continued looking for more internet porn. Earlier MasterDoc had teased me in front of DeeDee about how I keep picking out skull-fucking, rough sex videos lately. Actually, what he teased me about was my wanting to have my mouth fucked roughly. And yes, it’s one of those things that I fantasize about but am sort of afraid of. The last porn I chose last night featured an actress acting like she was being forced – and while real force in sex is rape and unconscionable – playing at it has long been a fantasy of mine. I keep hoping MasterDoc will one day tell me that I’m welcome to fight back during a scene – not fight so much as behave like I’m unwilling. I don’t want to actually fight him off. I just want to role play and have him take me roughly.

With DeeDee masturbating and my watching the porn, I gave in and grabbed my vibe and started masturbating myself. While MasterDoc was off in the next room we lay on the mat and came and came. DeeDee and I talked at times and she hoped that she wasn’t leading me astray. However, when MasterDoc returned we told him what we had been up to and he smiled.  I think he loves how horny and slutty the two of us are, despite his teasing us about being sluts.

We took a break for dessert (Haagen Daz chocolate sorbet and fresh strawberries – yum!) and DeeDee was wiped out (no wonder after all those orgasms!) and said she’d like to take a nap until she had to walk the dog she’s watching this week. MasterDoc was a bit sad as it had been nearly a week since he had come, but I was thrilled to help him get there. I snuggled him, and started panting just from the idea of getting him off. We lay close together on the floor mat with porn playing and he stroked his cock while I touched him in all the ways I know he likes. When he came, it shot out and left a good coating on me and the mat. I probably could have come at that moment, I was so turned on, but MasterDoc didn’t think to command me. That wasn’t a problem, however, as I had multiple orgasms during the evening already!

I went to bed last night feeling really content. I’m very happy with my relationship with MasterDoc. I’m very happy with my friendship with DeeDee. And thankfully I’ve been depression-free lately so I’ve been aware of this happiness and able to savor it.

Hot Sex (and nary a penis in a vagina)

Published on March 31, 2010 in D/s, Uncategorized, anal, happy, masturbation, orgasm on command, porn, shio and squirting. 1 Comment

Sex is so much more than standard, heterosexual intercourse – even for a heterosexual coupling. MasterDoc is taking his ritalin more often these days (as prescribed, he has attention deficit disorder) and a side effect of ritalin is that it can inhibit erections. It doesn’t always, but he forewarned me that he will take it more regularly (for various reasons) and so I might not get so much penis-in-vagina sex. While I love p-i-v, there’s much more that can be fun.

I wasn’t sure what we were going to get up to on Tuesday night. I mean, I’m never really sure as it’s up to him. I put in an instead cup just in case since I had my period. Ultimately, we ended up watching porn on the laptop on the bed and masturbating at the same time. He had gotten started while I was in the shower, and he was on the verge of coming but thankfully realized how sad I would be if he was done before I even started. He held back, and I managed to catch up after a little while. (He’s good to me.)

He looked over at me playing with myself, and my eyes were closed. “Are you not interested in the porn?” he asked.

“Oh I am, it’s just that I was… concentrating on… other things…”

“Like?”

“Like how good I was making myself feel,” I said shyly. I had worked myself up playing with my clit. A short while later, he turns to me and tells me to come. Within seconds I’m orgasming hard, squirting (hoping with the vaginal contractions that I don’t push out the instead cup) and off in another world. He knows that I tend to tense up around my upper chest and shoulders during orgasm, and that soreness from that can cause me to stop coming prematurely, so as I was by his feet he used a foot to hold my chest down. And I came harder. He then threw some real Dominance in there and put his foot on my head. God, it was hot being under his foot. It’s just so symbolic of being submissive to someone.

He had me lube up my ass and face away from him on hands and knees and work a toy into my ass to prepare it for his cock. It has been a while since we’ve done anal and I was looking forward to it. Alas, I grew terribly uncomfortable in the half-squatting position I had to be in to reach back to put the toy in my ass. The anal never happened.

We ended up taking a break. I got some fruit to eat and he had an Edy’s frozen fruit bar. I finished my bowl of fresh strawberries before him and hung out on the bed. I noticed that a bit was going to drip off his ice pop onto the bed, and as I was saying, “That’s going to drip!” I threw out my hands and caught the melted bit of ice pop in my hand. We grinned at how on the ball I was and I pointed out: “That’s a 201 level sub skill – watching your Dom’s ice pop for drips then catching them with your hands.”

We laughed over this. A few minutes later he pointed out a 301 level skill he would like me to work on: when his snack is going to take longer than mine, I should think of what things I could get done around the house while he finishes. (Such as, empty out the dishwasher.) I said, “Yes, Sir” and filed it away for future use. This should go in the butler’s book DeeDee and I are starting soon.

Later, we did more of the same and again I came suddenly when he told me to – even though I was NOT on the verge of coming. He really can inspire orgasm in me much easier now than ever before. I squirted copious amounts that night. Thankfully I had put down my throe.

MasterDoc still hadn’t come after all that, and he told me to get behind him to help. I played with his ass and pressed my naked body up against him. It was such a turn on to turn him on and I really got into it. I sat up after a few minutes and worked my hands more firmly on his buttocks in that slow, firm way he likes. I grabbed some lube and lubed up his ass and my finger, and slowly worked a finger inside him. I think for the first time I identified the prostate (although he could very well dispute me on this when he reads this). I felt a bumpy spot just within finger’s reach and played with it – pressing, stroking, thinking about what I like having done to my g-spot. (Did you know that when a woman squirts it’s female prostatic fluid? Yes women have a prostate (more commonly called Skene’s gland). I learned this from an Em and Lo DVD series on Sex that I’m in the middle of reviewing.)

Whatever I was doing, it seemed to work for him and he came. I gently worked my way out of his ass, pressing along his perineum.

I was satisfied and we had both come – and no penile insertion had happened. But it was just as hot as if we fucked.

“Do it to Julia!”

Published on March 27, 2010 in D/s, Uncategorized, attraction, bdsm, blow jobs, commitment, cunnilingus, dom, embarrassment, emotions, exhibitionism, happy, horny, humiliation play, kink, libido, masochism, masturbation, musings, non-monogamy, optimism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, poly, sadism, sex, sex parties, shio, slut, spanking, squirting, submissive and trust. 1 Comment

I’ve spent plenty of time the last two months bitching about struggling through PMS. I’m happy to say this month is better, but even though it seems like all is well, I can tell that in a way my mood has gone a bit manic this time. I’m not bipolar, but I think even in regular depression sometimes your mood will swing the other way – just far less often than a person with bipolar might experience. I find myself giddy this month, googly-eyed lovey, eager to do things. I went for an hour long walk today. I never do that! So while the symptoms this month could be described as “positive” I think it’s just another side of the coin from the “negative” symptoms of the past few months. I’m out of balance emotionally like I am every month, it’s just that this month seems more positive.

Last night I had a wonderful night out with MasterDoc. My giddy, lovey mood made me really appreciate how happy I am with him. I really got into our dynamic and realized how fulfilling it is for me. It’s funny, because I constantly struggle with two different desires – there’s a part of me that’s independent and wants to make my own damn decisions but there’s another part of me that wants nothing more than for him to have control. These two parts sometimes conflict. A part of me says that I shouldn’t just let someone else control me like he does, but then I am so turned on and so happy when he does take control.

When we arrived at the swing club, he poured us some water since the bartender wasn’t around. I had said I was thirsty and I couldn’t wait until the water was poured. But, rather than hand it to me, he took a drink first. I wanted to say something as I was so thirsty, but the look he gave me said it all. “I want to make sure you remember your place,” he said to me. I went weak in the knees.

All last night, I found that being his slut was hotter than anything else. I realized that while we do sometimes like swinging with others, there are times like last night where the real kink being satisfied out at the swing club is that I’m his whore, and he gets to show off just what I will do for him. He gets to talk to me like I’m a dirty slut in front of everyone and I don’t object but instead am obviously turned on. I follow his command without hesitation or argument when he tells me to suck his cock, or take my clothes off, or come.

I have moments when I worry that some people are judging me for being such a whore. But then I get so turned on by it that I forget to feel embarrassed. While some might judge me, I think that most people find how I am to be phenomenally hot. The single men at the club are all eager to talk to us in the hopes of joining in. I’m not gorgeous, I’m fat and flabby, but I am a sex goddess there. And I am his. He gets to be the guy who has control over this nymph who wants to fuck and fuck and fuck. (And the reason I want to fuck and fuck and fuck is because I’m so fucking turned on by him.) We’re parts of a whole. It’s a dynamic. I give up control, he takes control and we’re both happy in those states.

Just when I thought I was tired from coming, I’d look into his eyes again and I’d start breathing shallowly and I’d ache for him to touch me and make me come. He can make me come without even touching any of the typical erogenous zones. For me, the hottest part of sex is the mind-fuck, the control. While the stimulation of my pussy is wonderful, the fact that he controls when I come makes the fucking amazingly more intense. I realized last night that being submissive and kinky really are integral parts of my personality. As my Dom, he fulfills me so much that I am willing to struggle with insecurity and jealousy because sharing him with others is still way better than not having him in my life. I think I’m also starting to grow more secure. I’ve been making a concerted effort to focus on the positive and I have started noticing things I’d ignore before in favor of dwelling on the negative. I noticed last night, truly noticed and internalized, how much he enjoys being with me. And I’m starting to see that his wanting to spend time with others doesn’t diminish that. Since I’ve grown so very fond of DeeDee, I can totally see why he wants to spend time with her. And that makes it easier to go busy myself with something else when they want time alone. (She does the same for me.)

Is this a breakthrough or just the hyper-happiness of PMS? I really hope it’s the former.

Unlike most entries I’m not really telling the story of what sex acts we did last night. It just doesn’t seem as interesting to me as capturing what goes on mentally. He made me suck his cock and he choked me on it in front of everyone. He fingered me to orgasm in front of an audience, he made me come by just stroking my legs, butt, hip and breasts. He made me come over and over, uncontrollably. I squirted a huge puddle a couple of times. He fucked me hard and spanked me with the hard wooden paddle. He let some random guy eat me out, and I didn’t so much come from his abilities (which were ok but not great) but I came from knowing I was doing it because I’m MasterDoc’s slut.  He made me come with my pants on just by grabbing my hair and talking dirty to me. I was so afraid I’d squirt in my pants!

I just kept thinking about how I’m really his whore and I will do nearly anything for him. That sort of power strikes me as scary at some moments, but I always come back to the key point that makes it not scary – he would never do anything to truly hurt me. He pushes my limits. He gets me to do things I thought I would never do, but he has never, not once done anything damaging to me. And even on the rare occasions where something didn’t quite work, he is fast to talk things over and make sense of what the issue was so he could avoid it in the future. Sometimes I think that it’s weird for a modern, feminist woman to be so deeply devoted to him, but I am.

The title of this entry came from MasterDoc, who of course got the line from George Orwell’s novel 1984. Near the end of the story, the main character (Winston) is locked up by the totalitarian government. They make him betray his love, Julia, by scaring him to death with something he fears the most (I want to say it was rats but I can’t recall). They make him break down and tell them that he wants them to do this horrible thing to Julia, not him. They make Winston betray her. MasterDoc has a knack for talking about something kinky and difficult and possibly painful, and he is good at making DeeDee and I encourage him to do it to the other, as long as he’s not doing it to us. He thinks this is hot. lol He really does like having power and control, doesn’t he?

Pain and Healing

Published on March 4, 2010 in D/s, Uncategorized, anxiety, bdsm, depression, emotions, happy, kink, masochism, needle play, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, pillow princess, sex toys, shio, squirting and wartenburg wheel. 3 Comments

For my twitter followers, it’s no news that I’ve been dealing with some severe PMS lately (may even be PMDD). The week before my period I experience mood swings, depression, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, fatigue, increased appetite, and considering I suffer from clinical depression already, this turns into one roller coaster of a hellish week for me and many of those around me. However, MasterDoc has been working with me to try to figure out ways we can head it off or treat it in some way. The obvious answer is that I should go to my gynecologist and possibly be put on hormonal birth control. But beyond that, there’s something we can do to diminish the effects of PMS – BDSM. (It takes an acronym to fight an acronym.)

I put in a special request for him to use the new Wartenberg wheel I purchased recently, and needles as well.  I could tell I needed something even more endorphin-triggering than a spanking. I also needed cuddles, which he administered right away when I got to his place.

I had never played with the wheel before – although sometime in my earlier life I’m sure it was used on me medically to test nerve reactions. He ran the wheel and its sharp pins over my naked body. The sensation made me jump and giggle. It felt like tickle, but also like pain and finally it sometimes felt like little electric shocks running over my body. It turned me on surprisingly well and fast. That intense melange of sensations immediately woke up my senses. I felt the insistent swell of my labia as I became aroused. I was surprised at how easily it worked for me, but as MasterDoc later pointed out he had taken the time to do a little foreplay before that. I don’t remember what came before, however, just what came after.

He slapped my inner thighs, always the most painful part of my body to have slapped. Being slapped on the pussy can hurt a great deal too, but I think the skin on my thighs is just too thin and sensitive. He took an alcohol swab, cleaned up an area of my inner thigh and took in the expression on my face when I realized he was going to stick me in such a sensitive spot. I was nervous. A little bit freaked out even. But he slid one needle into my thigh, and the pain lasted only a second while it penetrated the skin. Following the needle stick was an amazing endorphin rush. Everything around me faded away, and I could feel this “whoosh” of chemicals flood my body. It felt like I’d imagine shooting heroin to feel. It was like shooting up drugs, only there were no drugs on or going through the needle. It was purely a brand new hypodermic needle – no syringe – fresh out of the package. Fuck. It was amazing.

He did a second needle, which hurt a little more than the first, but it produced another rush. I think I’ve found a new favorite way to get an endorphin high.

With the needles in place, he pressed on them a little and I welcomed the slight pain. He used the magic wand on my clit and drove me completely fucking crazy. He pressed it hard into my clit, unrelenting for the most part (kinda like I tend to do when I use the wand on another woman). I moaned, partly with pleasure, partly with desperation to come. I was worried that he’d manage to make me come without me getting permission first. I finally gave in and begged when he dragged it out and he still didn’t tell me to come.  After a little more teasing, he gave me permission. The endorphins already released through my body enhanced the orgasms I had. My eyes bugged out one moment as I gasped for air. The next minute they were shut tight as I blabbered some nonsensical noises and combinations of “oh god” and “oh fuck.” My right hand grabbed at MasterDoc’s back and his hair. He had me take the wand over, and he used my Ella dildo. He fucked me with it hard and I kept the wand on my clit. I came for what felt like 10 minutes. It probably wasn’t that long, but it seemed to go on forever. If all the women of the world could feel this way at least once a week we’d have a world full of happy women. Heck, once a month would be an improvement for many women. I was surprised how long he made me come, but with lessening my depression as a goal, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. After, I was wiped out and very, very satisfied. A puddle of come had accumulated under me.

I was also very happy. And the next day, and the day after, I wasn’t depressed any more. I still had some PMS symptoms to deal with, but damn, if that didn’t cure my depression.

I’m a very lucky girl.

MasterDoc’s depression cure works again!

The Doctor Comes In

Published on January 19, 2010 in D/s, Uncategorized, anal, happy, masturbation, orgasm on command, porn, sex, shio and squirting. 0 Comments

On the laptop was German porn. A pasty, middle aged “doctor” was preparing to give a hot young thang an examination. Apparently they didn’t have much of a budget for costumes – the “doctor” was merely wearing white pants and a white undershirt. I giggled a bit further into the film as the doctor kept saying, “Ja, oh ja, oh ja,” over and over again.

MasterDoc pulled my thighs apart and played with my pussy a bit as the video buffered. It felt good but I wasn’t wet yet. When the video was ready, he had me turn to watch it while he lubed up my asshole. Of course this led me to wonder if he was going to fuck my ass. You can never be sure with him. He applied a good amount of lube and fingered my asshole a bit.

Suddenly, he had me get on hands and knees for fucking. I put myself in position and he used some lube on my pussy. He sloshed his cock around and around the outside of my lubed cunt. He pushed in, and it was a bit dry further inside, a bit uncomfortable. But thanks to our D/s dynamic I kept focusing on how hot it was that he could just take me even with only minimal foreplay, that I was his to use as he saw fit. And soon I was wet and aroused.
Slowly, I slid into a reverie and moaned here and there when he’d thrust deep. Then I’d go quiet until the next time the stimulation was kicked up a notch. I moaned louder suddenly. He moved his cock around inside me, using his hips. I could feel it touch each wall and then he’d slam it into me again. This went on for a while, I just kept moaning out my pleasure and holding myself on the edge of orgasm. I was ready to come any time he told me to, but then, an unfamiliar sound comes out of him while we’re fucking. He grunted a bit, like he does when he comes. Usually a condom is such an impediment to him coming that he doesn’t come when we have sex. Could it be? Did he come? He fucks me a little more, stops and tells me to come. I come as he keeps his cock inside me. He pulls it out as I come to an end.

We lay down, and from his position beside me he says, “Guess what?” And I knew then that the unlikely had happened. I looked down and there was come in the condom. I gleefully kicked my legs as I can’t remember another time he came while we had sex. (He says that it happened early on, before I knew it was something unusual.) This wonderful event was probably brought on by a couple of things – going days without an orgasm was one, another was some medication he’s now on.

He teased me with the full condom, “Now it’s time to get your reward!” He opened up the condom and placed the end on my tongue. I stuck it out willingly when he told me to, but then he decided not to empty the contents onto my tongue.

He went to clean up. I still wanted more orgasms so I was stroking clit when he came in. He teased me about whether he would let me come again that night or not. He bit the back of my arm, stroked my body, and kept asking me if I wanted to come. I said yes! He teased me some more as I stroked my slick clit rapidly. I start to worry that he’s not going to let me come again until the next day, but then he tells me to come, and before I know what’s happening my body curls up slightly as I orgasm. The orgasm is strong enough that I stop moving my hand for a moment as the waves crash over me and come spurts out of my cunt. Then I gathered my wits and started stroking my clit some more and came further.

Oh I was happy. And I marvel at how well he has me trained to come. I find myself orgasming more from the sound of his voice telling me to than from being at an actual orgasmic peak at that moment. It would be interesting to come from even less stimuli – MasterDoc suggested maybe we work on that.

Polyamory and Communication

Published on December 8, 2009 in DeeDee, Uncategorized, anxiety, dating, depression, emotions, happy and poly. 2 Comments

This post is long, and it’s not sexually oriented. But if you’re poly or interested in poly you may find the thoughts interesting.

When people talk about how important communication is to polyamorous relationships, I think most of us don’t quite realize what that entails. However, NOT communicating is the fastest way to ruin things. I have a hard time opening up, and that’s made things with MasterDoc sometimes more of a struggle than they should be. I’m thankful he’s patient with me and that he’s good at pulling things out of me. I don’t know that I realized when I started out as poly that the communication would have to extend sometimes to your partner’s other significant others.

Since MasterDoc started seeing DeeDee things have been a bit bumpy. It’s not a black and white thing, it’s not that she’s a problem. After all I like DeeDee a great deal and like spending time with her. I will chat with her online independent of MasterDoc. She has always been entirely respectful of the existing relationship between me and MasterDoc. But it does seem that when she’s around, I tend to get depressed and bothered about things. It’s not her fault, and the tough thing has been making sure that I let her know that.

We all have our insecurities and personally I have a closet full of them. An only child until I was nearly 11, as soon as my brother appeared on the scene he was a very ill little baby and so I was completely pushed to the side. Thus started lifelong issues with abandonment – or fear of abandonment. At 11 I was emotionally left to take care of myself, and as a shy kid already tending towards depression issues, this was too much for me. I also have issues over being possessive sometimes. Several months after my brother was born, he got moved into my bedroom and I shared a bedroom with my mother for the two years I was in junior high. If you’re thinking that’s one of the WORST times in a young woman’s life to have no privacy and share a room with her mother, you’re right. My brother not only took over everyone’s attention, he also took over my physical space.

These issues, and the wounded 11-year-old inside me, come out when I fear that I’m being replaced. It’s not been a rational fear, but then many of my fears aren’t rational. At times lately I’ve panicked, worried that DeeDee was more interesting, newer, kinkier, more fun to be with. I’ve gotten very depressed thinking that I’m going to be abandoned. I’ve had intense fears of being replaced. I’ve had fears that somehow my relationship with MasterDoc is not special because he’s spending time with someone new.

MasterDoc has reassured me multiple times that this is not the case. And it is totally clear that DeeDee is not trying to set up such a situation. But when she’s around I still find these insecurities being triggered.

Communication

Opening up the lines of communication, even just a bit, can work wonders. Last night after I got all depressed and needed attention from MasterDoc, DeeDee started feeling vulnerable. Luckily, she’s better at voicing her concerns than I am, and the three of us had a talk where she voiced her anxieties: she’s the newest and therefore would be the first one ditched if there was trouble, I’m a younger woman – and I can speak from experience that younger women always seem threatening to older women. I’ve seen this just in my own insecurities early on concerning MasterDoc’s 21-year-old submissive. She’s young, and in our society we’re told that of course she’s more desirable. So even though I’m younger than DeeDee I too have felt the anxiety over not being the younger woman. The conversation became funny when I voiced that my issues were kinda the opposite. I figured that since I’ve been around a while I’m old hat and boring and she’s new and interesting. I worried about being replaced. We both had to laugh because neither of us thought the other had a rational fear going on. And it’s kinda silly that we’ve both had the same fears. And they originate within us and our psyches, because MasterDoc has certainly not indicated to anyone that he’s even remotely thinking about ditching anyone. Quite the opposite.

This morning we got to talk more and I’m confident that the three of us can make things work. We all like each other, and we all want things to work. I’m going to work on voicing my emotions calmly and early on (before they reach a rolling boil inside my head). I’ve got deep seated issues to work out, but I want to work them out. And I’m not someone who thinks that struggling and feeling uncomfortable are necessarily bad things. They’re part of life. And through struggle I will grow. I want to have MasterDoc and DeeDee in my life and happy. And I want myself to be happy. It will take a lot of communication and figuring things out but when something’s valuable you work for it.

HNT – Bracelet

Published on November 26, 2009 in D/s, Uncategorized, dating, dom, happy, hnt, photos and submissive. 6 Comments

IM000082It’s blurry; I snapped this photo myself just this morning. But I wanted to share my new lock bracelet from MasterDoc. I wear it constantly.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my pals in the U.S. And Happy Half Nekkid Thursday to all!

Birthday

Published on November 20, 2009 in D/s, Uncategorized, depression, dom, emotions, happy, mental illness, orgasm on command, sex and trust. 1 Comment

Despite my depression the day before, my birthday was pretty good. (And Friday morning I woke up with a bit of a migraine aura. I haven’t had a migraine in a few years since I started taking magnesium, and this didn’t turn into a full-blown migraine, but to get to the point, when in the prodromal phase of a migraine I have often had severe mood issues a few days before the actual migraine. Alas, I only realize why when the migraine would eventually come on. But boy, does this help explain Tuesday! Thankfully, I only experienced the aura and postdrome today and avoided the pain, I guess through my regular taking of magnesium.)

So, while I still felt a bit emotionally fragile, my work day wasn’t too bad and that evening I got to have sushi with MasterDoc. He gave me a bracelet that I’ve been pining for for quite a while (first when I saw the grossly overpriced Tiffany model, then the pining became more realistic when Divasub pointed me to Eve’s Addiction.) It’s a chain with a lock (non-locking) so it’s an acceptable piece of jewelry to wear daily, but has enough bdsm symbolism to give me the warm fuzzies when I see it and think about being MasterDoc’s sub.

And I should point out here that I’m fortunate that my Dom is a doctor and the type of person to understand that things like clinical depression and migraine prodromes are somewhat out of my control. I am thankful that he understands. Of course in return I’ll do my best to understand and control my moods before they get out of control.

I fell back into sub mode on Wednesday. I was happy to do stuff even though it was my birthday. I scrubbed the kitchen counters (something that I try to keep on top of). I exercised without complaint. And consequently my evening was much nicer than the previous afternoon. When I’m happy, I’m so glad to serve. Service is much harder when I feel depressed or irritable.

We climbed into bed at one point and there was some erotic foreplay. I kissed his chest, rubbed “the spot.” (“The spot” is this particular place in the center of his upper chest that I and one of his friends [she named it] find soothing to stroke.) He directed my hand downward and I stroked his cock, then massaged around the base as he stroked it. He had me wet his fingers and he stroked my clit. We put the axis under my ass and he fucked me. It was wonderful. I only squirted a little when I came (he pointed out that he had drained me the day before) but I had delicious, hard orgasms.
I was very happy and so the second round of fucking was a total bonus. He took me from behind, and fucked me until I was frantically moaning. I could feel the mushroom head of his cock sliding along the inside of my vagina. It was as if I could feel every stroke of his cock in minute detail. The build up lead to terrific orgasms when he gave me permission to come. He’s gotten better at managing my vagina of steel and not getting his cock pushed out when I come. (I also try a bit to control the clamping down.) I came for quite a while as he continued to push his cock into my spasming cunt. I was euphoric. I cuddled up after and let him know that I was so very sorry for my outburst the day before. I felt so happy to be in his arms and to remember that I’m loved.

Sex and Tea

Published on November 17, 2009 in Uncategorized, anal, depression, dom, happy, humor, masochism, mental illness, orgasm on command, sex, sex toys, shio, spanking, squirting and trust. 4 Comments

So MasterDoc knew that orgasms and/or a beating would help improve my mood. After we had talked quite a bit, we were able to sit and relax and reconnect. I made myself a cup of tea and we had this exchange:

“What type of tea did you make?”

“Regular black tea.”

“No, no, I know that but you usually make something good, you’re a bit of a connoisseur of teas.”

“Oh I made PG Tips. I’d say it’s the best bagged tea I can get.”

“PG what?”

“PG Tips. It’s big in England.”

“Oh an Anglo thing, of course. I should have known with you.”

“Well the English know quite a bit about making tea. What do Americans know? We threw it in the bay. That’s not how you make a pot of tea!”

We thought it was funny at the time. I hope it translates here.

Relaxation and cuddling led to porn watching and sex. I rode his cock for a while until he decided to spank my ass – hard. In the fragile mental state I was in today I couldn’t process the pain. He smacked me a few times and I burst into tears. Yup, even wonderful MasterDoc miscalculates sometimes. We stopped, cuddled and he acknowledged that probably just now I need support and love rather than pain.

MasterDoc knew that orgasms would improve my mood even if a beating wasn’t quite right. He teased me with the magic wand until I was rolling my hips trying to keep the vibration directly on my clit. I started to moan and he added the archer wand (glass dildo) and fucked me with it. He had me take over using the Hitachi on myself, and he proceeded to fuck me with the glass toy. When he told me to come, I had incredible rolling orgasms. I squirted massively, multiple times. The archer wand is curved just right to hit my g-spot so I suppose the rain shower that issued forth from me wasn’t a big surprise. Thankfully I had put the throe on the bed or the mattress would have been soaked. When he cuddled me after, I put down a towel on the puddle and pretty much immediately the towel was soaked through.

This was pretty appropriate considering the porn I had selected was “lesbian bukkake.” Yes, women squirting all over each other. It’s kinda hot.

I truly am blessed with multiple orgasms. I had just kept coming over and over again. I was entirely unaware of anything other than my orgasms. I did feel better after (how could I not!?), and I cuddled MasterDoc tight. I love being in his arms. I would have been totally miserable if I had stormed out earlier in the afternoon.

Next, I played with his ass to help him come. We watched more porn (and I had to resist making commentary on it… the theme was two best friends get it on and have a male escort join them. Yes, women fuck their best friends all the time. I’m sure men do that too. What, you don’t? Oh that’s right, we don’t either.) and I massaged his ass. I think I keep getting better with practice and have learned to take my time, massage his thighs and then his ass, then very slowly work lubed hands into the area by his asshole. Stroke and press against there for a while and then when he asks I slide a finger in. I followed his direction when he told me to press forward or massage inside his ass. It really is satisfying to help him reach a fantastic orgasm. Watching someone shudder and pant a little with pleasure as they come, and knowing you helped, is a great feeling.

He offered to make me come again, and I was really happy. I hadn’t expected more. (The orgasms earlier were phenomenal. Really, what more could a woman want?) I lay the throe back down and put a towel over it. It was the towel he had just jerked off onto. When I lay down I got a cold wet feeling on my arm all of a  sudden. Yup, his come this time, not mine. He just used his fingers to bring me to orgasm the second time around. And again, I came over and over. The man doesn’t need toys. He has talent. And again I felt overwhelmed with happiness that I hadn’t stupidly walked out. I cuddled up to him and didn’t want to move. The depression from earlier was replaced with a bit of chagrin over how irrationally I had been thinking earlier. MasterDoc has vowed to pay closer attention to my mental state and not let me get to the crazy part of things. When I’m rational, I can see that he’s been the best person ever to watch my moods and help me get depression under control.