And yet thoughts are coming to me and I feel like writing – only without worrying about getting the story wrong. (I’ve done that occasionally. Human memory is only so good.) MasterDoc points out when something I write just isn’t quite what happened, or I left out something really fun. I’ve edited many a post after hitting publish. I don’t run these posts by MasterDoc before publishing unless I feel a special need to on a particular post. But we do discuss them after. He supports and enjoys my blogging (best advertising vehicle for him ever!) and doesn’t ever outright censor me. I think it takes a truly strong Dom to give their sub free rein over the sub’s blog. I know he’s not the only one, but I really appreciate and respect him for letting me keep this outlet. (As I had this blog going before I met him.)

So instead of worrying about a recounting that could be off, maybe I’ll just do a little stream-of-consciousness writing here and describe a brief fantasy I had this evening. It takes off of what happened last night – he gave me one serious ass whupping. I got very close to crying. In the fantasy, he beats me until I beg him – truly beg him with tears rolling down my face – to stop. (I’m terrified of feeling the pain that can cause tears, but something amazing comes out of suffering. You ever notice that?)

He is merciful, so he stops with the beating. He has me blow him instead. It starts out slow and gentle and I latch on to my “slut’s pacifier.” When it’s fully hard he starts shoving it down my throat. I gag and drool runs out my mouth. He grabs me by the pigtails I have in my hair, and uses them for handles to control my head.

Tangent: It’s amazing how when done consensually these acts can be among the most intimate. There’s something about giving yourself over to someone, suffering for them, proving how devoted you are, that is amazingly intimate. I mean, I wouldn’t do this shit with most people. Currently I wouldn’t do rough sex to this extent with anyone but him. Nearly three and a half years of trust building went into this. And it was worth every second. I can only imagine how things will be as he gets further inside my head. Will he be able to put me in subspace and make me come with just a look? (I think he’ll read this and suddenly have a new aspiration.)

My fantasy didn’t go any farther. It was just a brief vignette. (I like that word.) Had it gone on it would have assuredly included orgasms. I’m not THAT much of a masochist.

Stream of Consciouness Post originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on January 29, 2011.

I can hear people arriving from where I lay in the bedroom. I’m playing with my cunt because Sir has told me to get it ready. I have no idea who is coming into the apartment or what will happen, but I do as I’m told.

I’m fairly close to orgasm when Sir comes in. He gives me a talk, hands on either side of my face, and tells me that I’m not to let him down. I’m to be a good little cunt and do as he says. He leads me into the living room where there’s about three men and one woman. I vaguely know one or two but not the others. I’m naked, except for my collar, leather cuffs on each wrist and ankle, and a leash hanging from the D ring on my collar. Sir leads me into the center of the room with the leash.

He takes a seat in a chair, and motions for me to sit on the floor by his feet. I do so and he starts talking. “Here’s our submissive cunt for the evening. Remember, condoms are to be used for any vaginal or anal sex. You are free to fuck her or make her go down on you as you wish, but you must clear any pain play with me first.”

I don’t know whether to be excited or scared. I’m looked at like a piece of meat laid out for a pack of hungry animals. He sends me around to each of our guests and instructs me to nuzzle their crotches through their pants. I crawl up to where each sits and do as I’m told, catching a whiff of muskiness from each crotch.

After I’ve finished this, he says, “Come back here slut. It’s time we got you warmed up.” These words make me anticipate genital stimulation, but when he grabs the canes I realize that’s not what he had in mind.

My wrist cuffs are joined together in front of me by a carabiner – something too short for me to undo myself. He swats my ass with the canes as I kneel face down, ass up. I hold still when I can handle the sensation but flinch forward when it hurts. The crowd admonishes me to say still whenever I flinch and I do my best. When my ass is quite sore, MasterDoc has me kneel on the floor and take his cock out of his pants with my bound hands. I suck him hard, and when his cock is its full size he grabs hold of my hair tightly. One of the guests says, “Oh yeah, choke her on it!’

He forces my head down so that his cock is entirely in my mouth. I can feel my throat working as I struggle not to gag. I last several seconds, and then MasterDoc pulls my head away as globs of saliva run down my chin and form a string between his cock and my mouth. He does this several times until I’m breathless and a bit lightheaded. Sometimes he slaps my face when he’s pulled it off his cock. I can feel the hands of some of our guests start to grope my body. One hand checks out my wet cunt. Another squeezes a nipple.

I am thrust back down onto the floor but this time on my back. The woman grabs hold of my cuffs and holds my hands above my head. One of the men takes a cane to my thighs and cunt when MasterDoc hands it to him. I figure this was something pre-agreed upon. Thankfully, Sir had passed him the lightest cane we have.

Still, ugly red stripes start to form on my inner thighs. When he smacks my cunt with it I think I can’t possibly handle the pain. One of the men places a strip of duct tape across my mouth so my cries won’t disturb the neighbors. MasterDoc and one of the other men holds my legs apart so I can’t get away from the cane blows.

Just as the pain makes me cry, MasterDoc signals to stop. Our guests back off, and MasterDoc holds me on the floor for a little while, telling me what a good girl I am. I cry softly, but it’s a cathartic release rather than any sadness.

Dinner delivery arrives and I wonder if the delivery person can see me naked and limp on the floor in the living room. My wrists are undone and the tape removed from my mouth so I can get up and serve dinner. I set the table, fetch drinks for our guests. They take liberties in touching me as I move around the table serving. Beforehand Sir told me I would be eating dinner on the floor. One of the men secures my wrist cuffs behind my back, and I have to eat without my hands, out of a bowl. Since leaning forward with my hands behind me would be too difficult, I am graciously allowed to have my bowl on a low stool so I don’t have to bend as far. As the guests eat and talk I’m mostly ignored, until one of them wants to comment on the mess on my face. I think to myself that there are animals with more dignity than I have right then. I eat as best I can. One of the men wipes my face with a warm, wet cloth and then pulls me by the hair until my mouth envelops his cock.

I suck and feel more hands on my body. I’m helpless as my wrists are behind me. I get pinched, poked, prodded. Someone produces a vibrator and holds it to my clit. It becomes so difficult to focus on my work on our guests’ cock that I slow down my efforts. I get my hair yanked and admonished to “Get back to work you dirty whore!” I try to focus but the vibe on my clit keeps distracting me.

My head gets moved around so I can suck all the cocks there. MasterDoc is stroking his cock and sizing me up as to what to do next.

I’m taken into the bedroom, where he lubes up my ass. My wrists are unbound so I can support myself in doggy-style. The woman takes off her clothes and lays down so my mouth is right at her crotch. I’m instructed to lick her pussy well (lest I get punished) and MasterDoc shoves his cock into my ass. He fucks me and I lick the clit and lips of this woman’s wet cunt. She moans and it seems like I’m doing a good job. MasterDoc, however, keeps varying his speed so I get terribly aroused and distracted. I’m desperate to come but I know that it won’t happen quickly tonight.

I had been asking for resistance play sometime, and I was told earlier that I would get it tonight. After a short break, for which I’m thankful, Sir slaps my face and grabs me by the hair. “Time to fight, cunt.” he tells me.

I struggle to get loose but of course our guests join in and grab various limbs. I feel myself forced onto the bed where my cuffs get secured to the underbed restraints. I struggle up until the last moment and at times I manage to slip an arm or a leg away from my tormentors. But in the end it’s useless. I’m spread eagle on the bed, terribly vulnerable. I’m gagged again, and blindfolded this time.

I feel the cool rub of alcohol swabs at various points on my body. MasterDoc gives a demonstration of play piercing to our guests. I get called all sorts of degrading names – fuck hole, pincushion, slut, cunt, bitch – while he pierces me. I get incredibly anxious when I feel him swab my outer labia – both sides. “This is gonna hurt, cunt.” he tells me. He has me breathe in deeply, and then while I’m breathing out he slides a sharp, sharp needle through one of my outer labia. We’ve done this before, but it’s still somehow shocking to have my labia pierced.

Sir strokes my body (and probably some guests do too, I’m not sure since I can’t see) to soothe me before he plants another needle in the other labia. He tugs on it a bit and I moan under my gag. A few more needles go in the skin on my chest, these are a bit hesitant so I wonder if it’s one or more of the guests doing the piercing. I can hear someone’s breath drawn in sharply. They’ve gotten a thrill from piercing me. From making me hurt. One of them says something admiringly about the tiny drop of blood that one of the piercings has brought out.

The needles are withdrawn and I can hear movements. Next thing I know, I’m being fucked by guest after guest. I’m allowed to come during this and keep orgasming too many times to count. The woman goes at me with her strap on. She’s positively vicious with pinching my nipples. The gag is taken off and a cock shoved into my mouth while my cunt is being fucked. The dual action of a cock being shoved into my throat and a cock being shoved into my cunt is overwhelming. Soon I’m gasping and drooling between cock thrusts. The lot of them make me come more than I ever thought possible while taking turns violating my body. I squirt a few times and can feel the throe beneath me soaking wet.

“You said you wanted me to be rougher with you,” says MasterDoc. He rips off the blindfold and I watch him jerk off onto throe. The guests undo my bindings, and MasterDoc shoves my face into his come and rubs me into it. As he holds my head to the puddle of come, I can feel other guys shooting their loads all over my back. I’m a totally come-covered whore. And honestly, it’s bliss.

The guys take me into the shower and MasterDoc commands me to kneel down. I’m sticky with come and they offer to rinse me off. It seems like I’m instantly surrounded and they’re all pissing on me. I cry silently from the humiliation. They all tell me what a dirty piss whore I am.

They leave me,  reeking of piss and shivering in the cold tub. The last thing Sir said when he left was that I was allowed to shower. I quickly rinse the piss off my body and out of my hair. I towel off and put my cuffs and collar back on and return to the living room where everyone’s having drinks.

MasterDoc motions for me to sit on the sofa next to him and I do. He puts his solid arms around me and kisses my forehead. “You’ve been a very good slut today. I’m proud of you.” I glow with pride over having been used, abused and come through it feeling amazingly calm. Endorphins rock.

Our guests leave a short time later, all thanking me for the good time. I thank them of course and MasterDoc has me kneel on the floor and kiss everyone’s crotches goodbye.

After they’ve left, we snuggle in bed. I’m exhausted but so very happy.

Dark Fantasy originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on January 15, 2011.

Scene 2: Struggling with him, fighting him off. Him calling me a whore and other degrading things. Him slapping me around. Him spanking me even when I start getting desperate for him to stop. He could just gag me with duct tape and go to town on my ass with the cane. I could lay over the axis for the beating, and then be in just the right position for a fucking.

Scene 3: He fucks my mouth as I hang my head off the end of the bed. He gags me repeatedly on his cock. At the end, he comes all over my face.

Scene 4: He blindfolds me and lets all sorts of people at the swing club play with me and fuck me. I don’t get to know who fucked me.

Scene 5: I’m intoxicated to the edge of sleep and then fucked repeatedly by a group of men, all orchestrated by MasterDoc. This would be videotaped so I could fully enjoy after.

Scene 6: I  have to do my best to move around and do things like suck his cock while my arms are restrained behind my back.

Scene 7: I become his slave for a few hours. I have to sit at his feet. I have to be always respectful or I get the cane. He would use me as he likes sexually. He can make me sit in the corner or tie me to something at a whim. I’d have to get his permission to use the toilet. He would make me wait until I was desperate and begging for it, and then he’d bring me (by leash perhaps?) into the bathroom, where he’d let me pee in the tub through my panties.

Scene 8: I ‘m bound at a party at his place (possibly just hands behind back or perhaps some ankle restraint as well so I have to shuffle along as I walk) and the guests get to play with my naked body as it pleases them. My hands are released for dinner but I have to eat mine out of a bowl on the floor, seated next to his chair, while the guests eat at the table. He later makes me masturbate to orgasm in front of the crowd. With a little luck, I squirt when I come.

Fantasy Vignettes originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on January 4, 2011.

Last night we tried a good deal of deep throating. I actually managed to relax my throat for much longer periods than I have before. As I’m blowing him, I keep going til he’s deep in my throat. I love the noises he makes when I do that. It’s actually good that I gag a little because then the saliva starts flowing and I can give a good, wet, sloppy blow job. I only had a little trouble when we tried it with my head leaning over the bed. Still, I was willing to keep trying! (Yeah, you can call me Ms. Choksondik a la South Park.)

He also continued pushing my limits of orgasm control. Damn if I didn’t worry I was going to give in and come without permission! As he fucks me and I balance just below the peak of my arousal, I get more turned on thinking that I’m his cunt and he can fuck me for as long as he wants while I desperately moan and whimper, desperate for orgasm. I’m glad he didn’t give in to my whimpers (he’s a very generous Dom where orgasms are concerned) but pushed me. I was determined not to let him down and come un-ordered. (Granted, he has told me that since he’s pushing me, it’s not the end of the world if I slip and come – ONLY if it’s a genuine slip though. Goodness knows he can spot me lying a mile away.) When he did let me come, the throe ended up covered in squirty puddles. I don’t really mind laying on the wet throe. I guess it’s the hotness of knowing that dampness is my come. If it gave off an odor I may not be so keen on my come, but since it’s virtually odorless and evaporates easily I’m perfectly happy to get a little wet.

The night before, I had one of those, “I’m SUCH a pervert” moments while we watched more delightful porn from TheUpperFloor.com. I got turned on by Cherry Torn’s look of pain and later, the tears that ran down her face, while she tended to one guy’s cock and the other whipped her back with a dragon’s tail. I wanted to be that girl, although I’m not sure I can handle that pain. Also as I watched kink.com head honcho Peter Ackworth in a scene I realized that I have the hots for him. It’s an old turn-on for me – pasty English guys. Seriously, I love English, Scottish and Irish men. I’ve had all but Scottish at this point. (Um, any Scots in NYC out there?) I suppose I should throw in Welsh just to cover ALL of the UK and Ireland.

Another, newer turn on was the depersonalization of one of the slaves in the video wearing a hood. I’ve long had anxiety about hoods as I can freak out from difficulty breathing – I’ve had some severe asthma attacks in my time. But the holes in the hood looked adequate for breathing, and it was kinda hot to deprive her a bit of her senses while turning her into an object. (Yes, some feminists like women as sex objects! I think it should be done consensually, unlike most objectification of women in our culture. Therein lies the problem.)

I felt like MasterDoc had complete control over me. If he wants to make me come, he can. If he wants to keep me coming, he can. If he wants me to cool down he can do it as well. It was really fucking hot. The slightest touch and I’m jelly.

We’ve fucked in many positions the past couple of days. Doggy, missionary, me on top. The basic three. The serviceable three. The ones that work so we all keep coming back to them.

I’ve been working extra hard to be a good submissive this week. I’ve done lots of household chores without being asked. When he’s asked for me to do something I react right away and get it done – no moaning. It’s not been perfect but I’ve been doing well. Proof of that is when I licked his ass without complaint or making a face AND I tried hard to do it right. I tried pushing my tongue into his hole. I tried sucking a bit. Anything he’s taught me he likes, I tried. I managed to push my sense of gross-out to the side and I could appreciate the act as service and giving him pleasure.

I helped him come that night with caresses and playing with his ass, kneading the flesh with my hands. I felt like talking about hot things I’d like him to do to me, or I was fantasizing about at the time. But my usual hesitance kept me thinking, “What if?” What if I talk too much. What if he’s not into what I’m describing. Would it be hot and forward or inappropriate for a sub? Stupid hesitance won out as usual. Blogging about this ensures that MasterDoc will talk to me about this, particularly if he does want me spewing a dirty stream of fantasy from my mouth.

Fantasy is My Reality originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on November 30, 2010.

We watched some porn – and this time I actually watched instead of being distracted by him fucking me. I stroked his hair as we lay by each others side. As the porn turned me on I started touching myself. I played with my breasts and nipples, something I rarely do during masturbation. I shyly reached a hand down to my pussy and started playing there. Intermittently, I’d touch him, stroking his back.

Right before having sex with me, MasterDoc looked me in the eye and told me that I was to hold off coming indefinitely. I was not allowed to beg for orgasm like I usually do. Just him giving me this directive, with that firm look in his eyes, made me wet. I struggled to keep my arousal under control as he fucked me. But of course I just kept thinking about how hot it was that he could use my body for his pleasure. It seems as if telling me not to come makes me just want to come more!

We cuddled up after the fucking, and his phone rang. This distracted me so when he told me to come a moment later, I wasn’t anywhere near ready to come. He talked to me about keeping with where we are mentally. After all, the phone can be ignored. I’ll try to do better next time.

My memories of that evening are in bits and pieces, so forgive me if this isn’t as coherent as most posts.

As we cuddled I did some spot worship (see 5th paragraph in that post), and he called me the “High Priestess of Spot Worship.” Hee hee. I know how to play with his special spot really well by now. I stroke his chest languidly, focusing on “the spot” but also touching the rest of his torso – from tummy to collar bone. I’ve joked that I want a sex toy company to make a toy version of his spot so if I ever lose him I can stroke it for comfort.

He had me suck his cock for a while, and I struggled a bit with the reservoir tip of the condom tickling the back of my throat. That’s the only thing I truly hate about blow jobs with condoms.

At one point, I was laying down in such a way that I was looking up at him – and I mentioned that I loved the perspective. Having him above me like that felt so representative of the power dynamic between us. I thought about the idea of him being a god for the length of our scenes. The majority of the time, we’re two humans with strengths and weaknesses. But when we play we can be something else for a while. He can be a god to me, and I can feel safe in his arms. He can be in control, which he likes and I can give up control, which I like. (Of course, ever the irreverent Dom, MasterDoc made some funny noises and hand motions when I said I liked the perspective. Kinda changed the feeling!) Many times that night I felt like declaring I’m his, over and over.

He fucked me from behind a couple of times with that order not to come or ask to come still applying. His cock wasn’t cooperating as much as he would have liked, so the fucking didn’t last long. He had intended to fuck me until he came.

I was feeling really ready for limit pushing, and he had me give his asshole a big kiss. I still don’t like doing it, but it’s hot in the way that I’m being told what to do. Thankfully it is always freshly cleaned when he has me do it. I still pause a second and give him a “do I have to?” look before doing what he tells me to do.

We took a break, and he checked on DeeDee. (She struggles with depression like I do, and was having a tough day.) MasterDoc planned to fuck me later that night as I got so drowsy I was ready to fall asleep, but that got put off. (Something for the wishing box.)

Untitled originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on July 29, 2010.

She wrote a sexy, smart, fun ad on craigslist looking for a couple to Dominate her. She sent MasterDoc a picture – and is really cute. And while I so often feed on other people’s insecurities, I didn’t get the feeling from her that she had any issue with what she was doing there with us – and it was easier for me to join in than it usually is. (MasterDoc indicated that on the surface it didn’t look too different, but I really felt a difference in my comfort level.) Also, I worry that cute, young, thin people will look at me, or MasterDoc or DeeDee, and think one or more of us is too old, fat, unattractive, etc. I not only sell myself short, I sell my loved ones short too. (Horrible isn’t it? I mean, if I find them to be fucking hot why don’t I believe others will too?? Again, I buy too into the narrative that says you have to be young, thin, beautiful to be sexy. Dammit Nadia, stop that!)

I actually agreed, pretty easily too, to wear the maid costume yesterday. It seemed like it would fit the situation and indeed it did. DeeDee was in Domme mode and had on a fabulous outfit. (A red and black mesh fishtail sort of skirt and her black corset. Nice!) While there were times when it felt like we were playacting, I think that’s really what we wanted – to fulfill our fantasies. To not be totally “ourselves” the whole time. We clicked well on an “ourselves” level, but we also had great fun indulging our perversions.

As I said earlier, with this woman somehow I picked up that she was keen to fuck and be kinky like I so often am. I didn’t have doubts about her desires like I do around so many women. MasterDoc and DeeDee said they had a hard time reading her and seeing her get aroused initially, but I picked up on the subtle changes in her breathing or reactions. (MasterDoc is usually the master at this, but I guess I just clicked with her in that way a little more.)

MasterDoc got her on the bed and spanked her for a bit. He caned her a little too, something she hadn’t experienced before, and he of course kept it to a minimum. (She also mentioned that her non-kinky boyfriend wouldn’t like seeing her really marked up. He doesn’t get the sense of it being sexy like us kinky freaks do.) At some point he ended up spanking DeeDee and making her come.

We had put the underbed restraints on the bed before she got there, and MasterDoc had me help put her in the restraints. This makes me think back to the first time I played with MasterDoc alone, and I ended up restrained on his living room floor thinking, “Gee, I hope my impressions of him being safe are spot on, or I could be in deep shit!” Thankfully they were spot on, and maybe my presence and the trust I so clearly have for him can help convey this level of safety to other women who come play.

The details of this interlude are fuzzy like intense sexual experiences often are. I know that I used the gigi vibe on her body – teasing her breasts, belly, and pussy. I allowed myself to get into enjoying playing with her, and as a result this was probably far hotter for her than me being shy would have been. I can’t recall if we made her come with the toys just then – or after a short break. MasterDoc left her bound in the bedroom for a few minutes and spoke to DeeDee and I out in the living room. Then he and I went back in.

I went down on her, and I think I’m finally getting over my stupid hangups about giving oral sex to women. It’s so sad that I haven’t let myself enjoy it because I’ve been fed the notion that women’s genitals are “smelly” or “dirty” my whole life. Fuck that. Eating pussy can be really fun and hot.

Perhaps this is when we took over really working her body over – MasterDoc lubed up the gigi and put it inside. I used the magic wand on her clit. We took turns pounding her with our fingers (not an easy thing to do, but she reacted the most to that). Ultimately we made her come as she lay tied down on the bed.

I was feeling patient and secure for once – while I was horny and wanted orgasms I was truly able to trust that MasterDoc would see to me sooner or later. I immersed myself in enjoying the hot perversity going on around me, and didn’t require the focus to be on me.

I teased MasterDoc at one point and he decided to cane me. Once his attention turned to me, he realized that I hadn’t come yet, and before putting our guest on the sybian, he gave me a ride. Yummy! The unyearned for orgasms are sometimes the best – the surprise satisfaction you’re given while you’re being patient and not self-centered. I squirted like a fountain, came violently, and I’m sure impressed our guest. I had to lay down after, and DeeDee was so very kind to clean up for me.

I felt fucking great. It was time to get our guest on the sybian. MasterDoc gave her a ride while DeeDee spanked her (though MasterDoc didn’t think it was hard enough) and pressed against her. (I forgot to mention that DeeDee did the same to me – it was really hot but nearly anything could have been done to me at that point and I would have found it hot.) It took a while, but she came hard and came away from the experience agreeing that the sybian is fucking awesome. She even squirted for the first time!

She and I hung out chatting while DeeDee and MasterDoc ended up in the bedroom again. We could hear DeeDee coming, and while I’m usually an insatiable slut at that point in time I was ready to hang out and chat. That’s the type of friend with benefits I want – one I can hang out with and have intelligent conversation with – not just fucking.

Our new friend had to get going, so we said our goodbyes. I let her know that I hoped she comes back. We’ll see what comes of it. Although MasterDoc is concerned we focused too much on her pleasure and not enough on her use.

A little later, I was still sooooo horny. And this week I’ve only just come to realize that I repress a certain percentage of my horniness because once MasterDoc is done having sex, I figure I should be happy with what he gives me. But this isn’t the smartest move as I’ve started feeling resentful that a man with three girlfriends isn’t giving me as much sex and play as I’d like. It’s truly okay that he sees other women and has fun with them, but my sexual needs aren’t being met 100% – despite sex with MasterDoc being the best fucking sex I have ever had in my life. I’d be thrilled to have even more sex with him, but since he is so very poly, I realize that I need to find another person to help finish meeting my sexual needs. It’s definitely not that MasterDoc is inadequate – I repressed so much because I love him and last thing I want him to feel is inadequate. But like him, I like fucking a variety of people. Plus I’m in my late 30′s and like most women my age I’m phenomenally horny. When he was younger he did some weekends of just fucking, eating, sleeping, repeat, but I don’t think it’s where he is in his life just now. But it’s where I am. And I’ve realized I should find that – the wonderfulness of being poly is that I don’t HAVE to rely on MasterDoc to meet every single little need or desire I have.

So we had a little libido dissonance – MasterDoc was ready to relax after having a whole long sexual interlude. This was not unreasonable.  But I was still insanely horny. I still crave a lot more involved and creative sex than he’s been up for lately. (I’m dying for bondage. I seriously need someone to make me feel helpless and come. I was craving intoxication play last night – anything to make me feel helpless. That’s one of my many kinks – feeling helpless and having someone fuck me in that state (when it’s consensual) makes me really, really hot. I want someone to do a big elaborate scene Domming me. I crave this. I don’t crave another D/s relationship – I crave a playpartner. I’m happy with MasterDoc as my Dom. But I want to be doing more.

He likes to make sure I’m satisfied, so he did eventually get in the mood and he fucked me. I loved it. I went to bed so very happy.

(I had a lot of struggle with whether he was doing it just to make me happy. I never want a partner to have sex with me solely because I want it – I’d rather be horny and frustrated than feeling like I pressured someone into something. He had to convince me he WANTED sex too. He just wasn’t starting from the same horny spot I was in.)

Kinky Foursome originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on June 6, 2010.

MasterDoc was making out with me, DeeDee was kneeling on the floor blowing MasterDoc. And this fucking idiot grabbed at DeeDee – not an innocuous, testing touch on the shoulder or something – no, he grabbed her cunt. MasterDoc was suitably pissed off and told the guy directly to fuck off and leave. Hopefully he learned a lesson in respect and consent that night. I didn’t see the guy again for the rest of the night – I have a feeling he left after being told off like that and fucking up so badly.

We ended up moving into the next room where the air conditioning wasn’t quite so cold and there is a larger bed. MasterDoc teased me, and DeeDee played with his ass as he did so. I was really worked up and eager to be fucked.

Now, I learned something that night – a couple – one that DeeDee and I found to be pretty repulsive – climbed onto the bed with us and started fooling around with each other – and reaching over to touch me every so often. I had such a hard time staying turned on because I really didn’t want that guy touching me. I was really unhappy that MasterDoc didn’t stop him. Turns out that in traditional couples’ swinging that’s what you do – you plop on the bed next to someone and the women start to mess around with each other. I didn’t know this.  While MasterDoc got me up on all fours and fucked me, I had a hard time staying with the pleasure because that creepy guy was touching me. If I was there as a single woman and non-submissive, I would have told him to stop. But as a sub I’m expected to let MasterDoc control these things. And at times like that it fucking sucks.

But MasterDoc fucked me hard, with a lot more pounding than usual. DeeDee groped me and focusing on them I managed to enjoy myself and come really hard (and squirt).

We gathered our stuff and went for a drink. Sitting on a sofa in front of the bar (it’s byob but they provide soda, juice water, etc.). MasterDoc started playing with DeeDee and he had me get out a vibe. I pulled out my nea since I know she loves it. Since I’m one who knows how to turn it on, I started using it on her nipples then cunt once I got it vibrating. She closed her eyes and got really aroused. I opened her pussy lips to get it right against clit, which she really liked. MasterDoc told her to come, and with both of us working her over she came really hard. MasterDoc took over the nea, and then started slapping her pussy to make her come. DeeDee was in her happy place although I think orgasming like a slut from being pussy slapped can make her feel too slutty.

I watched some of the porn that was on, and I realized that sluts are sexy because they enjoy having sex. We’re socialized to think slutty=bad, but dammit, sluts have the best time!

I noticed that there was an unusual amount of cute guys at the club that night. I was so up for sex that I managed to smile confidently at a hot Asian lady and her gentleman. She seemed interested, he wasn’t.  Boo. She commented on my collar and it was one of various things that led us to think that there was a D/s dynamic to their relationship.

Now I not only looked out for hot women to share with MasterDoc, I also noticed the cute guys. Since I was feeling especially horny and slutty on a night with cute guys, I thought that things intersected perfectly to try to get that gangbang MasterDoc has promised me for forever. MasterDoc sometimes doesn’t know who I’ll find cute and who I won’t. There was a skinny hipster guy with longish hair and a beard who MasterDoc thought I wouldn’t like. But damn, I thought he was cute. (I’m not really sure of his ethinicity if he’s hispanic or asian or some combination thereof. Mr. Hipster played around with DeeDee after getting MasterDoc’s permission while I played with MasterDoc’s spot. An attractive guy came over and sat on the floor in front of me and offered to give me a foot rub. Turns out he’s a submissive (and a foot fetishist) and so he was easy to talk to. We pointed out that DeeDee is the switchy one and after my foot rub he gave her one at her request. While DeeDee had his attention, MasterDoc made me come with his fingers right there in front of everyone one. I felt so fucking hot. All these attractive guys were looking at me like I was the hottest thing on two legs – and in a way I was. I enjoy sex. I don’t hide it. That’s fucking hot. The hipster guy came closer expressing interest and a cute metrosexual guy with hip glasses too. (Goodness knows I had been giving them the eye and encouraging smiles.) MasterDoc let them touch me and soon the hipster was playing with my tits while I stroked his cock and the metro guy was massaging my thighs and cunt. To my glee, MasterDoc decided to let me get fucked like I desired. He made me say what I wanted loudly – which is damn hot in and of itself.

We wander off to  the exhibitionist room and I stroked metro guy to get him hard and he grabbed a condom to be ready to fuck me. MasterDoc checked in with DeeDee and left her in charge of herself. (She got cunnilingus from foot guy, which of course led to lots of fabulous orgasms.)

Metro guy fucked me with him on top, and it felt great but he was so turned on by me (lil’ ol’ me??) that he came pretty quickly. Next hipster fucked me, after asking MasterDoc if he could put me in doggy style position. He lasted much longer and I came, face buried in MasterDoc’s lap as he tells me “good girl.” MasterDoc had me suck his cock, and he made me keep my head down before a third guy started fucking me. Third guy had wiry pubic hair and kept slipping out – not a great fuck. Plus I worried that he would skeeve me since MasterDoc made me not look at him – but I got a look afterward and while he wasn’t as “cute” as the hipster and metrosexual, he seemed like a nice guy and someone I felt comfortable with.

I really enjoyed blowing MasterDoc while being a well fucked slut. A lot of guys watched the whole scene and one or two expressed interest in being next. MasterDoc got one guy to hold the flashlight and highlight the fucking and blowing going on. DeeDee came over at that point and we took turns blowing MasterDoc.

We called it a night at this point, and I was a very happy slut. It’s funny how people try to say that slutty women have low self-esteem – I get far sluttier when I feel confident and love myself.

Hipsters, Metrosexuals and Sluts, Oh My! originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on June 6, 2010.

There are ten, roughly 45-minute-long episodes that were filmed for British tv (although their “man on the street” interviews take place in London and New York). It took me ages to sit down and watch them all, but I had some time this weekend to plow through the last 5 episodes. I started the series wondering if it really covered “how to do everything” and you know, it pretty much does. I have only a couple of complaints – first, it’s very heterocentric. While some of the average people they interview are gay or bi, the rest of the show doesn’t acknowledge same sex relationships and experiences. However, lots of the information is general enough that queer couples can learn many things from the series as well if they can overlook all the male/female couplings.

The second thing that bothered me is that in the episode on sex toys they mention phthalates, and that they’re bad for you, but not in what types of materials they’re found. Their “roving reporters” Dougie and Georgie (a M/F couple)  go on to review a variety of toys including jelly ones with no mention of their phthalate content.

But those two caveats aside, I think this is a fabulous series. It’s fairly explicit (in the spirit of being educational rather than titillating) and very educational. It’s clearly intended for adults only, but I think this sort of sex-positive series should be featured in high school sex ed classes. Seriously, if more teens saw this then more people would go on to have healthy, safe, and pleasurable sex lives. The tone is always positive, they put in valuable safety warnings – from safer sex to safe BDSM play – and cover a huge territory. They cover furries! They cover BDSM! They cover auto-fellatio! They feature an interracial couple as their main “demo models.” And Dougie and Georgie are attractive yet average – and Georgie’s enthusiasm for sex is wonderful to see. Dougie is a lucky man.

There’s fun features like “dog toy or sex toy” where people are asked to identify a variety of toys, which can get pretty funny. The tone is informative but not boring at all. It approaches sex with a healthy, positive attitude.

The episodes are:

1 – Oral (including a sculptor who casts vulvas as art, Midori giving a very seductive blow job lesson,

a clinical psychologist talking positively about vulvas)

2 – Manual (including hand jobs, masturbation, great anatomy info section on manual stimulation on women, Carol Queen’s masturbate-a-thon)

3 – Orgasm (including g-spot and female ejaculation)

4- Toys

5 – Intercourse

6- Kink (interview with a Domme, Violet Wands, furries)

7 – Anal (including prostate massage. MasterDoc is glad I watched this section! They warn about desensitizing gels, safer sex precautions (like dental dam for rimming) and to use lots and lots of lube)

8 – Fantasy (dress up, role play, striptease, covers UK law on sex in public, porn, abduction fantasy acted out, dogging (acts done in public for others)

9 – Seduction (tantra, striptease/burlesque)

10 – Best of – a compilation of highlights from the series

Unfortunately, the first dvd  in my set was a little messed up so a few scenes were unwatchable. But I cannot recommend this series enough – particularly for people who are inexperienced sexually. But even for jaded old sex bloggers like me there were many useful things to learn from the shows.

Review: Sex: How to do Everything originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on May 31, 2010.

But I feel guilty. I’m sure I will be told that I should get over this.

After dinner, he and I did spend some time watching a movie in the living room until he decided he was horny and we should head to the bedroom. I was totally in agreement with that.

We cuddled and talked on the bed for a while. He started stroking my body gently and I closed my eyes to savor it. He told me to think about him doing something kinky that I’d like him to do to me. He quietly but in total command led me verbally into my head. I’ve been craving bondage and so I started fantasizing that I’m gagged and bound on the bed. As my breath grew short with the fantasy combined with his gently touching my body, he asked me what I was visualizing. While I felt the usual shyness at verbalizing my fantasies, I did open up to him right away and describe what I was envisioning. (In the moment I have a hard time asking for what I want or admitting to some of my dark fantasies. Writing about it on the internet is a totally different situation for me.) He asked me what he was doing to me in the fantasy, and I said that I hadn’t gotten that far yet, I was still imagining what it feels like to be bound and gagged while he touches me.

He started talking about the advantages to having me bound and said that he could do so many interesting things to me. The verbal sex had me in quite a state. He wasn’t touching me in overtly sexual ways but I could feel my body build arousal, heading towards orgasm.

I have a hard time recalling exactly what he did do to me touch-wise, but when it was apparent that I was really turned on he told me to come – and I came without genital stimulation. I orgasmed really hard as I kept my eyes closed and visualized myself bound and helpless and him playing with my body. I think he did start sexual stimulation at some point in the middle of this. (I was coming, can you expect me to remember clearly?) I kept coming as long as he wanted me to and I had to take deep breaths to slow down my breathing when he told me to take it down and gradually come back to earth. I was grinning ear to ear after and thinking about how much of sex is mental. Being together in a D/s relationship for nearly 3 years now, he’s done such a good job getting inside of my head. For many reasons I hope that he keeps his mental faculties as he ages – one of which is because even if his body isn’t up for sex any more when he’s older, we can still have hot as anything verbal sex.

After my orgasms, he didn’t think that his cock was going to cooperate, so we were going to go back to the living room to continue the movie. But after a moment or so he decided that it couldn’t hurt to try having me suck his cock. I was thrilled. Isn’t that every straight guy’s fantasy? Having a woman who loves to suck his cock? I enjoyed my “work” thoroughly and his cock did react to my enthusiastic ministrations. Going down on him is truly a turn-on for me. I’ve gotten good with using my hands in the area around his cock and I’ve learned so much over the past few years about how he likes his blow jobs. While there’s always new things to learn about a partner, it’s nice to reach a point where you can be confident that you do a good job.

Since his cock was hard now he told me to get a condom and get on top of him. Yeeha! I got to ride his cock, thrusting up and down on it, stimulating the nerves in my cunt. I pushed myself to the edge of orgasm and moaned like crazy because I wanted to come. But at the same time I did want to be teased for a while. He fucked me, thrusting upwards. As his cock was buried in me he told me to come. My body convulsed and I fell forward onto him. He kept pushing his hips up and feeling his cock touch my cervix was amazing. Eventually my vagina of steel pushed him out partially and he lost his erection. But he kept me coming just with some verbal encouragement and some knowledgeable massaging of my body. Fuck.

I sat up as soon as I could so he didn’t have to support my weight fully. Again, I was grinning ear to ear at my good fortune of him finding and pursuing me.

Before the sex, while we were watching the film in the living room, he had me sit to his left, so that I’m slightly behind his line of sight when we look at the screen. He had felt uncomfortable with me there instead of in front of him and wanted to figure out why. It dawned on him – he can keep an eye on my well-being when he can see me. If I’m somewhat behind him it’s harder to keep tabs on me. I was touched to no end. It’s not a matter of feeling like he has to control me every second, it’s truly a matter of him feeling that taking care of me is his responsibility as my Dom, and he feels better when he can keep tabs on me. I feel very loved.

Verbal Sex originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on May 27, 2010.

It wasn’t until MasterDoc pointed it out as we lay on the bed that I realized I was more active in getting us headed towards sex than usual. I’m pretty passive usually – my image of submission is for the Dom to decide when we have sex. It’s taken me a long time to realize that I am allowed to initiate as well. (Doesn’t mean we will always have sex when I initiate, but I’m welcome to do it.) I guess I was horny. My last orgasm had been a struggle while I was dealing with PTSD over the weekend. I’ve opted to skip the story of that evening.

So there was some relaxation and pillow talk at first. I started blabbering about how at the thrift store over the weekend I thought about maybe looking for cheap clothes that could be ripped off me. MasterDoc pointed out that the other way is possible – me ripping clothes off him. Rowr. He realized that a shirt he just threw out due to stains would have been perfect for ripping off him – particularly while out at a club. With this image, I said to him, “You’re really about theater when you have sex in public, aren’t you?” He agreed that it’s a performance art in a way. I think torn clothing will feature down the line at some point. I also think I should discuss with him constructing scenes to play out in public. I’m all for that.

He had me lay on my back with my collar on. I had gotten some needles and the remainder of the alcohol wipes at his request. I wasn’t sure how needle play would go after the PTSD bout, but it turned out to be a terrific thing. He groped me, testing out various places to put the needle. My inner hip (does that make sense? The ravine where hip meets thigh and crotch?) seemed too sensitive and I hoped he wouldn’t go there. After some exploration, he alcohol swabbed off my upper right breast… and that inner hip spot. Shit.

He placed his hands, needle in one of them, on my breast. I couldn’t see the spot where he was going to stick me through his other hand. I was afraid of the pain, but it slid in effortlessly and instead of pain there was a rush of endorphins. I contemplated why needle play is erotic (for me anyway) and I realized that nothing is more personal than having someone infiltrate your skin. I mean, orifices are designed to be penetrated safely, but letting someone pierce your skin is an act of supreme trust and intimacy.

He put a second needle just below the first one. This one started to slide out a bit, so I ended up with another puncture as he reinserted the end of the needle. This one hurt. But the pain is worth it for the rush of chemicals that follows. He toyed with my body, slapped my pussy. I kept hoping he would tell me to come but he played with me for a while.

My hand sought out his cock in the heat of passion. I stroked it, being careful not to squeeze or pull on it when he let me come. As I came, he inserted his fingers inside me and pressed up into my g-spot, while simultaneously pressing down on the spot from the outside. He yanked a series of beautiful orgasms from my body. While I was still coming, he slipped the needles out. (And I was relieved that he never stuck them in that hip spot.)

I rested after, content. He really makes me happy in so many ways.

He had me suck his cock for a while and I dove into it. He pushed down on my head a couple of times – choking me far more realistically than before. At one point I pulled away from the gagging, reeling with a perverse high. When I gathered my wits, I went right back to sucking his cock. We did this a few times before he had me get lube and condoms. It’s strange but the more real the choking gets the more I like it.

He had me try to put the condom on with my mouth, but it really wouldn’t work with his cock. As it is, his head is super-sensitive and I have to stretch condoms out a bit to get it over the head normally. I used my hands to apply the condom. I played with his pubic area, working him up. He had me ride him and I did so in my usual enthusiastic slutty way. When I was desperate to come, he told me to, and I was overcome with orgasm. While my pussy pushed his cock out pretty quickly, I kept coming. He massaged my body as I leaned forward on him and came. When I was exhausted, he let me rest a moment, but then started teasing me with his hands again. He gave me the command to come again, and I did even without any genital stimulation. I squirted all over his balls and cock.

I was grinning ear to ear afterward. I told him that I think having sex with him is good for me. He agreed.

Needles and Cock Choking originally appeared on Diary of a Kinky Librarian on May 12, 2010.