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Show Me Your Teeth

Published on May 1, 2010 in anal, anxiety, bdsm, blow jobs, bondage, caning, consensual non-consent, cunt, D/s, dom, edge play, embarrassment, emotions, fantasy, gags, horny, humiliation play, kink, masochism, needle play, nipple clamps, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, piss play, restraints, sadism, sex, sex toys, shio, slut, squirting, submissive, trust and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

This Lady Gaga song inspired me to write a bit of erotica for a change. The video has nothing to do with my fantasy, but I love it all the same for being totally campy and sexy at the same time.

This is some pretty kinky shit, but if you read here regularly you should realize the kinds of things that are talked about on this blog. And without further ado: “Show Me Your Teeth.”

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She had dared him to go further than before. The butterflies tickled her stomach as she wondered if she could handle what he was going to dish out.

She had shared some of her darkest fantasies with him – the ones where she’s tied up helpless, the ravishment fantasies, the ones where he does things to her she likes to think she doesn’t want. But at the same time becoming his slut entirely turns her on immensely and she hopes that her gentle teasing has gotten him worked up enough to really push her limits this time.

She had spent some time reassuring him that she was ready for this. She wanted him to reach down and find those dark places of his soul and utilize them so they could both fulfill the twisted fantasies that brought them together.

He put her collar around her neck, and while he usually wasn’t big on protocol, he ordered her to kneel before him, forehead touching the floor. She did as she was told and steeled herself for what she hoped would be a bumpy ride.

He placed his foot on her head, holding it down.

“Are you sure you’re ready slut?” he asked her.

“Yes, Sir,” she replied immediately. She could feel her cunt begin to get wet. He removed his foot from her head and had her sit up. He sat on the sofa across from her spot on the floor and looked into her eyes.

“You are going to do everything I tell you tonight without question. I am going to take you to a place of humiliation and submission that you’ve never been to before.” She took a deep breath at this. “Go get the behind the back restraints.”

She was thrilled he asked for those – she had always hoped they’d use them again. Just having them on made her hot. When she returned to the room with the restraints, he stood up and put them on her. He buckled the collar, then buckled each wrist into their respective cuffs. She straightened up, and in this position her full breasts stood out. He took a hunk of her hair in his hand and shook her head around a little. She closed her eyes in a bit of a swoon. While her eyes were closed, he raised his hand and slapped her across the face a few times, each time a little harder than the first. When she opened her eyes he looked at her intently.

“I’ll be back in a moment. I expect you to stand at attention for me right here, understand?”

“Yes, Sir.”

She could feel every inch of her skin thrum as she heard him go off into the bedroom where the toys were kept. She tried to figure out what he was getting by the noises, but she couldn’t be certain. There was a chain noise and otherwise the noises were indistinguishable.

He came up behind her and placed a blindfold over her eyes. Now she was helpless and unable to see. He started to pull something else over her face, and she soon realized it was the muzzle. Her helplessness increased with not being able to communicate easily. He tweaked a nipple and she practically gushed wetness knowing that she was at his mercy. A chain rattled. She tried to discern if it was a leash or not. As he started pulling at her nipples, making them stand out, she realized that the chain must be one that connects two nipple clamps. The question was, which ones?

He slowly released the clamp onto one nipple. As it continued to bite and bite she knew it must be the clover clamps. She took deep breaths through her nose to cope with the pain. Clover clamps weren’t something she’d grown accustomed to just yet.

“Take the pain for me slut,” he said as he tugged lightly on the clamp to make sure it was on securely. She whimpered and he stroked the side of her face. “Breathe deeply. That’s it.”

He went for the other nipple and soon the other clamp was biting into her flesh. On the one hand, she wondered if she could stand the pain, on the other, her cunt felt like it was on fire. He pulled a little on the chain and she whimpered loudly. She moved her hands instinctively but of course found them to be secured behind her back, where they couldn’t do her any good.

He helped her balance as she was lowered onto her knees on the floor. Her senses were flooded with the pain, and the feel of his hand on her shoulders, and the anticipation of what might come next. He removed the muzzle. “You’re not to speak unless spoken too, understand cunt?”

“Yes, Sir,” she replied.

She heard him unzip his pants and he took his semi-hard cock out and slapped her on the face a few times. “You’re my cock-sucking whore,” he said, “You’re my piss-drinking whore. You’re my ass-licking whore. Open your mouth.” He put his cock in and she hoped that he was too hard to piss in her mouth. Anyway, he wasn’t likely to do it in the living room where there would be a mess if she failed to catch every drop.

She sucked, having a hard time keeping his ever-hardening cock in her mouth without the use of her hands. He grabbed the back of her head, and pulled her face right into his crotch. She tried to breathe through her nose while he gagged her on his cock, but soon she was sputtering and dripping drool down her chest. “Again, whore,” he said as he pushed his cock into her mouth and straight to the back of her throat again. He fucked her mouth hard and drool ran down her chin. Snot started to flow out of her nose and she was sure her makeup would be moist and messed up under the blindfold. He choked her repeatedly on his large cock, and then pulled her head back by the hair and slapped her face a few times. She could feel her sense of will melting as she became nothing more than his whore. She wanted him to hurt her. She wanted him to use her.

He reached down and slowly removed the clover clamps. She cried out as they came off and the blood painfully rushed back into each nipple. He slapped her for making noise and put the muzzle back over her mouth. “Get up,” he said and he helped her to her feet as she couldn’t hold her balance with her arms behind her. He undid the restraints and she rolled her shoulders to ease the soreness in them. She could hear and feel a leash hook onto her collar and he led her, still blindfolded, into the bedroom. He had her kneel on the bed, head down, ass in the air. Without warm up, he caned her a few swift times. She cried out under her muzzle.

Next this cold and slick fingers were pushing into her ass, lubing her up. She could feel the cold steel butt plug as he stroked it teasingly around her asshole. He pushed, and it slid in, filling her up. With his other hand, he checked between her pussy lips. “You’re a wet little slut, aren’t you?” She could hear the wet noises as he slapped her pussy. He slid a finger inside and wiggled it around just a little bit. She moaned and pushed back onto his hand.

He laughed.

“Not yet slut.”

He removed the muzzle and the blindfold, and slid his finger, slick with her juices, into her mouth. She obediently sucked his finger clean. As he pulled away momentarily, her eyes blinked, adjusting to the light in the room. She could still feel the heavy steel plug in her ass. He told her to lay down on her stomach and rest for a moment. He gathered up more toys.

He lay down next to her on the bed and she pulled herself close to his chest. She wanted him so badly that she started to lick his chest and massage it with her fingers. He let her do this for a moment, and lay back to enjoy her attentions.

His cock was hard again when he had her stop and lay on her stomach. She felt the cold swipe of an alcohol wipe on each ass cheek. This could only mean one thing – needles. Her ass chilled as the alcohol evaporated from her skin. She listened to him unwrap a couple of needles. He grabbed one ass cheek and slid a needle into her flesh, the needle exiting out a short distance later. She took a deep breath and her body soon flooded with endorphins. He stuck her again, on the other side this time, and again she was flying high on her body’s own natural drug. She was blissfully in subspace. Her will had dropped completely, and she only wanted to do whatever he wanted her to do. He let her lie there and enjoy the rush for a few minutes. He knew, however, that this was the ideal time to really push her limits.

After removing each needle, he asked her if she was able to stand. “I think so, Sir,” she replied and unsteadily sat up on the bed. He looked into her eyes, leaned forward, and kissed her deeply.

“You’re a good girl. Now let’s see if you’re as obedient as I expect you to be tonight.”

He led her into the bathroom, and she knew this meant piss play. She always had such mixed feelings about piss play. On the one hand it was degrading and gross. On the other hand, she relished him putting her into that mental space. It wasn’t that she thought she was worthless, it was just that him making her feel dirty and under his control gave her such a high.

He had her kneel in the cold tub. Would he just pee on her, or would this be the time he finally followed through with his threat and peed in her mouth? He removed her collar, “just for practicality’s sake.” She knew that even without that symbol around her neck she was expected to obey.

“Are you my obedient slut?”

“Yes, Sir. I’m your obedient slut.”

He made sure to look into her eyes as he spoke. “I expect you to prove that now to me. This next part can be as easy or difficult as you make it. I expect you to try your hardest to please me.”

She could feel herself shake a little. This was it. This was when he followed through on the months of threats. God, would she be able to stand the taste of piss in her mouth? Would it totally freak her out? Thankfully the endorphins from earlier were still flowing and she felt a rush when faced with the challenge of doing that which she found totally repulsive. He stepped as close to the tub as he could, and took his mostly soft cock into his hand. He took hold of her hair with the other hand. “Open your mouth.”

She did as she was told, with only a slight hesitation. She closed her eyes tight, but he wasn’t having that. “Look at me, bitch!” She opened up her eyes and looked up at him, standing over her like some sort of powerful god. He wanted to see her eyes as he did this. He wanted to watch the struggle as it unfolded in her head and showed in her eyes.

With her mouth wide open, and eyes wide open as well, she felt the first hot drops of piss land on her tongue. A panic came over her, but she steadied herself and let it flow into her mouth. He relished the look in her eyes. It was a look of panic and disgust, but she held herself still as he pissed into her mouth. He felt powerful knowing that he could make her do this.

“Swallow as much as you can, cunt.”

She gagged as she swallowed but she kept coming back for more because more than anything else she wanted to please him. She wanted to show her devotion by letting him use her however he wanted. When she’d gag and cough a little he ended up pissing on her face and into her hair. A few tears escaped the corners of her eyes. He took hold of her hair more tightly and continued to let go a long stream of piss into her mouth.

“Hold it in your mouth a moment. Show me.”

She knew he meant the piss and, struggling against all sorts of forces within her, she held a pool of it in her mouth, revolted by the taste. He looked into her eyes.

“Now swallow cunt.” She did and collapsed in the tub, crying. To an outsider, she seemed broken and devastated. But she felt a certain freedom in having let go of her inhibitions so. He let her collapse, but he continued pissing onto her body. “You’re my filthy, piss-drinking slut. One of these days I’ll do this with a whole crowd of men to watch. Then I’ll have them piss all over you as well. You’ll reek of piss and they will be amazed at how much you’re my whore.” He finished pissing on her.

“Clean up,” he said as he left the room. She slowly gathered her wits. She felt emptied out inside, like all her worries no longer had a space within her. Somehow she felt baptized, new. She adjusted the water in the tub and began rinsing herself off. She took handfuls of water into her mouth and rinsed it out as best she could. She had to wash her hair as he had pissed there as well.

She dried off. She put her collar back on and went to find Sir. Her damp hair hung limply and clung to her face. She had forgotten temporarily about the plug in her ass.

She found him in the living room and she asked his permission to use the toilet. He didn’t grant it right away but made her sit on the floor at his feet. The fullness of her bladder added to her arousal in some strange way. Still, she was becoming desperate to use the bathroom.

He lifted her chin and she had a hard time looking at him. “You’re a good girl,” he said. She let out a deep breath and focused her eyes on him. “You can go use the bathroom now.”

She paused for a moment, wanting to ask if she could remove the plug from her ass, but then she remembered that she wasn’t to speak unless spoken to. Thankfully, he noticed the conflicted look on her face and he asked her what she was thinking.

“May I please remove the plug from my ass, Sir?”

He laughed a little. “I had forgotten it was in there. Yes, you may remove it. Now go use the bathroom and meet me in the bedroom after.”

He handed her the ball gag when she arrived. She put it on and he had her get on hands and knees on the bed again. He stroked his hard cock and put a condom on it.

He pulled her ass apart and could see the slick, shaved lips of her cunt. She was remarkably wet. He slid his cock into her and fucked her slowly. Her muffled moans turned him on more, and he felt a sense of ownership over her. She moaned and pushed her hips back to sink his cock as deeply as she could. His cock stayed completely rigid as he fucked her. Her moans became louder through the gag. She could come at any second, he only had to give the word. But he was enjoying teasing her and he pounded her cunt a little with his cock, listening to the desperation grow in her moans.

Finally, he thrust his cock as deep inside her as he could and told her to come. His entire body trembled and he could feel her cunt convulse around his cock. She made a remarkable amount of noise for someone who was gagged. As she came, he felt his own arousal peak and shot forth a wad of hot come. He groaned and twitched as her pussy continued milking his cock as she came. He felt his balls suddenly drenched as she squirted. He smiled.

As they both lay limp on the bed after, he put his mouth to hear ear and said, “I’m very proud of you cunt.” She glowed from within from his compliment.

Ass Fucked Slut

Published on April 25, 2010 in anal, bdsm, blow jobs, cunt, D/s, depression, embarrassment, humiliation play, kink, masochism, masturbation, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, sadism, sex, sex toys, shio, slut, squirting, Uncategorized and wartenburg wheel. 0 Comments

The terrible mood swings went on up through last night. The “crimson tide” has come in so today I’m feeling much more stable. Except for the time when I got hypoglycemic. Oh well, there’s always something.

I got to spend some special alone time with MasterDoc last night. As we sat on the sofa, he started in on some sort of mind fuck. The problem is I can’t recall today what it was – some sort of threat of something that is scary but perhaps also erotic, or at least him making me do it is erotic in and of itself. I wish I could remember the specifics but all I remember ultimately is getting hot and melting into submissiveness just from his words.

He had me set up the bedroom for our interlude. As usual the Fascinator throe was put down on the bed. Lube, condoms, a butt toy and a vibe were made handy. I added the Wartenburg wheel. I brought his laptop in and set it up on the bed with some porn on it.

He told me to finish watching the tv show I had been watching, and when the last fifteen minutes were up I went into the bedroom. He told me to take the lube, reach back and lube up my ass. As I did this, hands working behind me, standing at the foot of the bed, he watched me and commented that it was hot thinking about exactly what I was doing. I felt embarrassment and looked down. When I was done, he sent me to wash my hands of the extra lube.

He had me get on hands and knees as soon as I returned, and he fucked my ass without any physical foreplay. It’s funny because sometimes I need a good warm up, but last night was so hot. I loved that he just shoved his cock inside my lubed up ass and fucked the hell out of me. The idea that I was his slut, his dirty whore who was enjoying him fucking me up the ass, turned me on so much. I’m pretty sure I muttered, “I love being your slut!” at one point. I was turned on by the idea of him using my body for his own pleasure. He fucked me long and hard. I was moaning and on the verge of orgasm for ages. Even though his cock was in my ass I could feel the sensations in my cunt. He ran the Wartenburg wheel over my ass and back, pressing the points into my ass. He grabbed my hips, and was generally rough with me. I held out as long as I could before begging for permission to come. He let me come and he continued to fuck me as I shuddered and screamed. (I feel bad for his neighbors. We really need to use gags more.) He wrung every last orgasm out of my body. His cock has been extra hard for extra long recently (I will perhaps someday explain why) and my clenching pelvic muscles aren’t such a formidable force against his cock these days. I do still push his cock out involuntarily sometimes, but it doesn’t happen as quickly or easily as before.

We took a break and I was exhausted from the phenomenal ass fucking. Unfortunately my hormones were still wreaking havoc on me and I hit a mood swing and started crying. Of course MasterDoc was a bit bewildered that after such great sex and orgasms I could feel depressed, but it was really just down to some sort of biochemical mood swing.

We rested for a bit and snacked on sorbet and fruit salad. My mood was back up again and I tried to eat slowly, savoring the feeling of the creamy sorbet on my tongue. At some point he said he needed to pee, but just a little bit, and he considered pissing in my mouth right there on the bed, and making me swallow it down. I cringed and curled up, putting my head down, hoping so hard that he was just fucking with me. This time he was.

I was hoping we’d fuck more, and it seemed a bit iffy at one point. Because of my moodiness I perceived that since DeeDee moved in with him he gives me much shorter and less involved scenes. We talked about it though, and it’s probably a bit of my mis-perception, and a bit of just the usual ebb and flow (that would have happened regardless of DeeDee living here). He says he’ll keep an eye on things in the future, but two weeks is a really short period of time to interpret things as changing long term. I do worry that with two women around so much now that getting as much sex from him might be difficult.

We cuddled a bit, and he had me suck his cock after I had had enough cuddles. I got really into it and he seemed just huge last night and very hard. He picked up the magic wand and held it to my clit while I sucked. I was soon humping the wand as best I could and he had me put a condom on him and get on top. I was so horny and turned on that I pushed through a little physical fatigue to ride him a good long time. He thrust up into me, making me sigh and gasp as he did. He grabbed parts of my body to enhance the experience – gentle nipple pinching, massaging my hip joints. He got me really worked up until I came, and came, and came. I squirted all over him, and unfortunately the throe had shifted through the evening and I squirted a bit on the bed as well. His cock stayed hard for a long time and I kept coming. As I came he slapped my ass at one point but damn, somehow it hurt too much and distracted me. I had to beg him to stop spanking me. My ass stung for a few moments afterward.

He made me come again and this time my vagina of steel pushed his cock out. By this time his balls were soaked in my come, and I was exhausted, but very, very happy.

Despite the mood swings I was still dealing with, we had a fantastic evening together.

Sluts, Squirts and Swing Clubs

Published on April 6, 2010 in analingus, bdsm, blow jobs, cunt, D/s, embarrassment, exhibitionism, humiliation play, kink, masturbation, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, sex, sex parties, sex toys, shio, slut, squirting, submissive, swinging and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

We took advantage of my being on vacation and went out to the swing club last night. MasterDoc’s back is still bothering him but it’s gotten a little better. I drove into the city to give him a little rest on our way out.

Early in the evening, there weren’t many people there. But MasterDoc set us up in the little corner room in the back. Men would come in and out, hoping that we were up to something. We moved slowly, stopping to make out. I joked that we must be really boring to watch at that point.

He had me put my collar on and he took some time to stroke my face and tug on my hair, things that put me very quickly into sub mode. He slapped my face a few times and I wondered if someone was in the room to see, and if so what they thought about that.

I sucked his cock, and as usual I threw myself into it. I’m not one to leisurely tease when giving oral, I’m more likely to go right for the stimulation that will feel intense. He slid his fingers into my hair and I hoped he would force me down on his cock. He did, and when I’m that turned on it’s much easier to ignore the gag reflex. Eventually I had to come up for air.

He decided to humiliate me and made me lick his ass in public. He loudly encouraged me to get his tongue into his asshole and I felt terribly humiliated and debased. Funny thing is, since I’m so inexperienced with rimming I was apparently going a bit too high.

He had me strip, and lay down on the bed with my cunt facing the door. I was allowed a toy and I rubbed the vibrating nea on my clit. At moments, I got lost in working myself up, but at other times I’d get self-conscious and distracted. The first time MasterDoc asked me if I was ready to come I had to admit that I wasn’t, but this immediately brought my attention back to the task at hand. As I rubbed that vibrator on my clit I would moan and buck my hips sometimes. MasterDoc made me say loudly that I wanted him to fuck me. If I don’t say it loud enough, or thoroughly enough, the first time he says, “What was that?” until I ask for it satisfactorily loud.

He fucked me from behind quite hard. With his back out, it had been a week since we had actual intercourse. (I’m not complaining though, he kept me pretty damn happy in the interim.) I got lost in the sex and forgot to feel self-conscious about my moaning and grunting. My face was turned towards the door and we most assuredly had some sort of audience. He made me come really hard, and kept it going with his fingers as I squirted. Oh it felt so amazing that I didn’t want it to stop. I lay down for quite a while after that, recovering.

We took a break for beverages. Fucking is thirsty work. I walked to the bar by myself to get us drinks, and roughly three men hit on me as I walked alone. Sometimes the men feel like vultures in the swing club. I think the difficult part too is that they are used to, in a “normal” relationship, getting the woman’s attention and approval so they can move in and get some. However, in my D/s relationship with MasterDoc I rarely encourage the men (particularly if I’m not interested in them) – it’s up to MasterDoc to approve and decide who fucks me. Sitting back down, I asked MasterDoc if he’d ever been to a swing club alone. He hasn’t, and this didn’t surprise me at all. He says he did go to one swing party alone once, but that’s the sum of it. I have to confess that sometimes I think of the single men at swing clubs as kinda pathetic. They wander around, sometimes without pants (which, gentlemen, is not very attractive. Neither was the old guy shuffling along in boxers, socks and nothing else.) Sure I see attractive men there sometimes, but I kinda wonder why they’re there alone as well.

There was one hot guy who I gave a blatant “come hither” look to but he wandered away. Dissed! I told this to MasterDoc after the guy wandered away. He teased me for flirting with someone of my own accord, but of course I wasn’t in trouble for this. (I would just be in trouble if I went and did something with this guy without permission.) The door to the room with the large bed was closed and we asked around until we found out that Veronica, the lady who is notorious for squirting for the single guys was in there with someone. How unusual that she should seek privacy! We camped outside the door for a bit, seeking to tease her and get her attention when she came out.

When the large bed was available, we lay down on it. MasterDoc undid his pants and shirt and stroked his cock. I played with his chest and then I started feeling myself through my clothes. “Are you playing with yourself young lady?” he asked. I said yes and was glad he noticed as my hands were getting tired of the extra pressure I had to exert through my pants. MasterDoc took a vibrator to my crotch. He had me take my pants off and he teased me with a vibrator. A young-ish African American guy came in to watch. MasterDoc offered him the flashlight to hold and he came over to the bed. He stroked his cock as he held the flashlight really close to my pussy. They talked about me, MasterDoc most assuredly knowing that the objectification was making me hot. When I came, I squirted on the flashlight since it was so close, but I didn’t know until later because my eyes were clenched closed while I came.

I begged for orgasm at MasterDoc’s request and then a few moments later I was begging him to stop because I needed a break from the incessant orgasms. He has a knack for pushing me until I’m breathless. We cuddled and hung out a bit, and in no time I was I was really horny again wanting to be his slut. He threatened to get one of the older guys I thought was unattractive to fuck me. I felt squeamish, but when I started to frame it in my head as me being his slut and fucking whoever he wants, I got into the idea more. I didn’t want to see who I was fucking however, my idea of hot anonymous sex would be to get fucked like a bitch in heat while blindfolded, and as I walked around after I would have no idea what men I walked by had fucked me. MasterDoc’s version of this fantasy, however, is for random guys of his choosing to fuck me, and then he points out who it was after. Yikes! He really does get into humiliating me. Sad thing is, I get into it too.

We didn’t end up doing more, even though I was ravenously horny, thinking up naughty fantasies I wished would come true. We watched a very drunk woman demonstrate what it’s like to be a trainwreck. And then wandered into the bdsm room and MasterDoc got Veronica to squirt into his hands. Her come overflowed his hands and made a huge puddle on the floor. This girl can squirt on command. I’m impressed. You know you go to the swing club often when the resident slut knows who you are well enough to joke around with you. She got a towel to clean up and the men around us were in awe. The guy I had given the eye to earlier was there, and I was sure to put tidbits about my own squirting into the conversation. Hah, see what hotness you missed out on buddy!

We were there a while, and it feels like we must have done more than this, but I suppose a lot of time was spent hanging out with my brain in a fog of sexual fantasy. I’m going to miss MasterDoc while I’m away. But hopefully I will experience more stories to print here when I get back.

*********

Earlier in the day, I was complaining a bit too much and MasterDoc came back into the living room a few minutes later with my Njoy pure plug, lube and my collar. I was speechless. He had me get on hands and knees and he worked the plug into my ass, where it stayed for a while. He made me wiggle in my seat and asked me how it felt having the plug in there.

A little while later, he had me get the throe and magic wand and he used the wand to make me come very hard. He pressed the wand to the handle of the butt plug to make that vibrate. He teased my clit and I was desperate to come by the time he let me. He commented on how my complaining stopped after that. The man knows how to shut me up. And thankfully the methods are so much fun.

“Do it to Julia!”

Published on March 27, 2010 in attraction, bdsm, blow jobs, commitment, cunnilingus, D/s, dom, embarrassment, emotions, exhibitionism, happy, horny, humiliation play, kink, libido, masochism, masturbation, musings, non-monogamy, optimism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, poly, sadism, sex, sex parties, shio, slut, spanking, squirting, submissive, trust and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

I’ve spent plenty of time the last two months bitching about struggling through PMS. I’m happy to say this month is better, but even though it seems like all is well, I can tell that in a way my mood has gone a bit manic this time. I’m not bipolar, but I think even in regular depression sometimes your mood will swing the other way – just far less often than a person with bipolar might experience. I find myself giddy this month, googly-eyed lovey, eager to do things. I went for an hour long walk today. I never do that! So while the symptoms this month could be described as “positive” I think it’s just another side of the coin from the “negative” symptoms of the past few months. I’m out of balance emotionally like I am every month, it’s just that this month seems more positive.

Last night I had a wonderful night out with MasterDoc. My giddy, lovey mood made me really appreciate how happy I am with him. I really got into our dynamic and realized how fulfilling it is for me. It’s funny, because I constantly struggle with two different desires – there’s a part of me that’s independent and wants to make my own damn decisions but there’s another part of me that wants nothing more than for him to have control. These two parts sometimes conflict. A part of me says that I shouldn’t just let someone else control me like he does, but then I am so turned on and so happy when he does take control.

When we arrived at the swing club, he poured us some water since the bartender wasn’t around. I had said I was thirsty and I couldn’t wait until the water was poured. But, rather than hand it to me, he took a drink first. I wanted to say something as I was so thirsty, but the look he gave me said it all. “I want to make sure you remember your place,” he said to me. I went weak in the knees.

All last night, I found that being his slut was hotter than anything else. I realized that while we do sometimes like swinging with others, there are times like last night where the real kink being satisfied out at the swing club is that I’m his whore, and he gets to show off just what I will do for him. He gets to talk to me like I’m a dirty slut in front of everyone and I don’t object but instead am obviously turned on. I follow his command without hesitation or argument when he tells me to suck his cock, or take my clothes off, or come.

I have moments when I worry that some people are judging me for being such a whore. But then I get so turned on by it that I forget to feel embarrassed. While some might judge me, I think that most people find how I am to be phenomenally hot. The single men at the club are all eager to talk to us in the hopes of joining in. I’m not gorgeous, I’m fat and flabby, but I am a sex goddess there. And I am his. He gets to be the guy who has control over this nymph who wants to fuck and fuck and fuck. (And the reason I want to fuck and fuck and fuck is because I’m so fucking turned on by him.) We’re parts of a whole. It’s a dynamic. I give up control, he takes control and we’re both happy in those states.

Just when I thought I was tired from coming, I’d look into his eyes again and I’d start breathing shallowly and I’d ache for him to touch me and make me come. He can make me come without even touching any of the typical erogenous zones. For me, the hottest part of sex is the mind-fuck, the control. While the stimulation of my pussy is wonderful, the fact that he controls when I come makes the fucking amazingly more intense. I realized last night that being submissive and kinky really are integral parts of my personality. As my Dom, he fulfills me so much that I am willing to struggle with insecurity and jealousy because sharing him with others is still way better than not having him in my life. I think I’m also starting to grow more secure. I’ve been making a concerted effort to focus on the positive and I have started noticing things I’d ignore before in favor of dwelling on the negative. I noticed last night, truly noticed and internalized, how much he enjoys being with me. And I’m starting to see that his wanting to spend time with others doesn’t diminish that. Since I’ve grown so very fond of DeeDee, I can totally see why he wants to spend time with her. And that makes it easier to go busy myself with something else when they want time alone. (She does the same for me.)

Is this a breakthrough or just the hyper-happiness of PMS? I really hope it’s the former.

Unlike most entries I’m not really telling the story of what sex acts we did last night. It just doesn’t seem as interesting to me as capturing what goes on mentally. He made me suck his cock and he choked me on it in front of everyone. He fingered me to orgasm in front of an audience, he made me come by just stroking my legs, butt, hip and breasts. He made me come over and over, uncontrollably. I squirted a huge puddle a couple of times. He fucked me hard and spanked me with the hard wooden paddle. He let some random guy eat me out, and I didn’t so much come from his abilities (which were ok but not great) but I came from knowing I was doing it because I’m MasterDoc’s slut. He made me come with my pants on just by grabbing my hair and talking dirty to me. I was so afraid I’d squirt in my pants!

I just kept thinking about how I’m really his whore and I will do nearly anything for him. That sort of power strikes me as scary at some moments, but I always come back to the key point that makes it not scary – he would never do anything to truly hurt me. He pushes my limits. He gets me to do things I thought I would never do, but he has never, not once done anything damaging to me. And even on the rare occasions where something didn’t quite work, he is fast to talk things over and make sense of what the issue was so he could avoid it in the future. Sometimes I think that it’s weird for a modern, feminist woman to be so deeply devoted to him, but I am.

The title of this entry came from MasterDoc, who of course got the line from George Orwell’s novel 1984. Near the end of the story, the main character (Winston) is locked up by the totalitarian government. They make him betray his love, Julia, by scaring him to death with something he fears the most (I want to say it was rats but I can’t recall). They make him break down and tell them that he wants them to do this horrible thing to Julia, not him. They make Winston betray her. MasterDoc has a knack for talking about something kinky and difficult and possibly painful, and he is good at making DeeDee and I encourage him to do it to the other, as long as he’s not doing it to us. He thinks this is hot. lol He really does like having power and control, doesn’t he?

On With the Show

Published on January 3, 2010 in bdsm, blow jobs, D/s, embarrassment, exhibitionism, flogging, kink, masochism, masturbation, orgasm on command, photos, sex, sex toys, show, slut, spanking, submissive and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

Late Saturday afternoon we put on a show. I wasn’t initially in the mood for one, I was hoping for a quiet afternoon in and possibly some more use of my behind the back restraints. (I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they will get a fair amount of use.) MasterDoc had me dress in the maid costume from Halloween, and I felt silly. I was embarrassed and not in the hot-humiliation-play sort of way. He pointed out that had I asked nicely not to wear it, I may have been allowed to forgo it that day, but since I was a bit cranky I ended up in the costume. I started feeling a bit better after I put on fishnet stockings and the high heels. They made me feel sexier as did our guest’s reaction when he saw me. His immediate reaction was, “Wow! Very nice! Very pretty.”

I think heels look fabulous, but I can’t stand wearing the bloody things. I also thought that MasterDoc’s neighbors must be cursing me as I clumped around on the wooden floor in heels. I asked for permission to take them off and thankfully he let me. I got drinks for everyone as MasterDoc started making conversation with our guest. I sat on the couch next to MasterDoc in my silly maid outfit and blushed profusely as they talked about me, and MasterDoc talked about our relationship. It’s funny, the feminist in me realizes that I shouldn’t be all into being liked for my looks and sex appeal, but damn it does feel good to feel sexy.

My friend Coy Pink recently sent along a new toy when she was so very kind to send me some yummy tea. (Let me just say, she rocks. And she has some hooooot pictures on her site.) She had won an electrosex power box and wasn’t interested in it herself. She asked if I was interested and since MasterDoc has some TENS units we’ve used, I said yes. We had taken it out of the box and looked it over, but not played with it yet. MasterDoc applied two of the electrodes on either side of my left nipple. He played with the settings on the box and for a while I didn’t feel anything. Then he started to get it going and I jumped suddenly. Our guest said, “Oh she felt that!” and seemed amused. He asked if it could be used elsewhere, such as my pussy. MasterDoc said, ooh he’ s a meanie, and opted instead for my inner thigh since he’s not accustomed to using the unit yet. He played with shocking me a bit more before deciding to put the toy away. I’m curious to see what it would be like if we had a vaginal electrode attachment. Yikes. Could be amazingly fun or horrible torture.

He had me get on my knees and blow him. It’s a very subservient position to be in – on your knees, breasts bared, sucking the cock of your dressed Dom and being watched by another perv. In case you might misinterpret that, I mean it’s hot. Plus I’m quite happy with my “slut’s pacifier” in my mouth.

Our guest was appreciative, paying me many compliments throughout the show. This added to the ego boost MasterDoc had been giving me lately by giving me lots of compliments and reminding me how much he loves me. I have to admit that I’m not feeling so down on myself now.

I got bent over the scoop and flogged and paddled. (He used the wooden paddle, which is much harsher than the leather slut paddle.) I’ll include some pictures here for your viewing pleasure. MasterDoc also teased me with my bullet vibe and played with me until I begged to come. I came in typically spectacular fashion – you can’t mistake me for someone who’s not enjoying herself.

(New camera. Haven’t fixed the date stamp!)

After I recovered, MasterDoc had me do more dick sucking, followed by laying on my back masturbating on the mat on the floor. It’s funny how I have no trouble doing this in front of a stranger (I mean, it’s HOT) but I do keep my eyes closed as much as possible. I was already really wet from coming before. MasterDoc had me get on hands and knees and he fucked me from behind. He should be quite proud at the good fucking he gave me, there are men younger than 55 who can’t manage what he did. Rowr. Again, I came spectacularly hard to the delight of our guest. He swore that he would definitely come again for another show.

Pee-Shy

Published on November 30, 2009 in anxiety, bdsm, blow jobs, bondage, caning, D/s, dom, edge play, embarrassment, emotions, exhibitionism, flogging, humiliation play, kink, masochism, masturbation, orgasm on command, piss play, restraints, sadism, sex, sex toys, shio, show, spanking, squirting, submissive, sybian and Uncategorized. 3 Comments

I was feeling extra shy and anxious about the show MasterDoc had planned this morning. I knew that the guy coming liked to watch women pee; he had watched DeeDee on one of her recent visits. I am super pee-shy. I get anxiety just from trying to pee in a crowded public restroom – and that’s from within a stall where I’m by myself. MasterDoc joked with me today that he wondered what my mother managed to do to me when being potty trained that I should have such anxiety issues. Max Lagos asked me on twitter why I was pee-shy. I know intellectually that we all pee, it’s no big deal, it’s merely releasing waste liquid from your body. But somehow at a deep subconscious level I feel anxious about it. It’s embarrassing. It’s something that’s supposed to be totally private. I hated hearing about DeeDee’s experience. Just hearing about it was painful.

MasterDoc reassured me that it’s not a big deal if I couldn’t manage to do it. He tried to allay my anxiety but I still thought to myself, “I need drugs! Now! Tranquilizers! Alcohol!”

When our guest showed up he asked me how the library business was. I figured MasterDoc had mentioned what I do, or the blog or something, but our guest told me that he had seen me before a while ago. It must’ve been one of the shows earlier on in my relationship with MasterDoc. I did panic for a few moments wondering if I knew him from where I work. I think I just eventually got to the point, as I was sucking MasterDoc’s cock, that I was in for a penny, in for a pound and should just go with it. Whoever this guy is he already knew I’m a submissive slut.

MasterDoc had me go back to suck his cock for a while. I had been in the middle of doing that when our guest buzzed the door. I did lots of deep throating when I went back to sucking him, and focused totally on the blow job. He had me take his cock out of my mouth for a moment and look up at him while he stroked my cheek with his cock. He had me take the head just a little bit into my mouth, still looking at him. Eye contact with MasterDoc is hot for me, but eye contact with others is really difficult.

MasterDoc bent me over the scoop on the floor. He asked if I wanted to be bound with the wrist and thigh cuffs and I said yes. Even though the position might have potentially been uncomfortable I was keen enough to try it because I’ve craved bondage. He beat me with two of the canes, the two floggers. I focused on breathing in order to deal with the pain. He told me to look at our guest, and I could barely fix my eyes on him for more than a split second. I kept closing my eyes and looking down. Eye contact is harder for me than many other things. Pee on me. Make me lick your ass. But please don’t make me make eye contact with someone I don’t know. With my anxiety level already high, it was exceptionally hard.

Apparently the flogger left a nice pattern on my upper back and the canes left a nice pattern on my butt. Unfortunately there was no camera handy. MasterDoc dipped his fingers into my cunt to see if I was wet, and I was so wet you could hear the squishing. He caned me some more and then released me from the bonds. I kept laying face down over the scoop because I didn’t want to see our guest.

MasterDoc had me sit face up with legs spread, but he let me wear a blindfold. I used my bullet vibe on my clit, and as usual I felt turned on knowing there was an audience but not being able to see said audience. MasterDoc had me turn back over. He lubed up my ass with his finger in case he decided to fuck my ass. I rubbed the vibe against clit and moaned as he fingered my ass. He backed off a bit and said, “Show me how much you want it. Show me how much you want my cock.”

I was writhing and humping the vibe. He had me get up on my knees to get fucked from behind. After some thought as to which hole he’d take, he fucked my cunt. The blindfold allowed me to relax and focus on what was going on. When he let me come I squirt a huge puddle all over pillow and rug. (Next time I will hopefully remember the throe.) He kept me coming a good long time and I squirted more than once.

After a rest, MasterDoc decided to put me on the sybian since I had been a good girl this weekend. But I first tried to nonchalantly ask if I could go use the bathroom. MasterDoc picked up on my attempt at passing it by him and right away asked me, “What for?” When I said I had to pee I covered my face with my hands and felt embarrassed. But there was no letting me off. The two men followed me into bathroom. I was instructed to sit on the toilet leaning back, with my legs spread. I tried to pee, really I did. MasterDoc asked me if I’d prefer looking at him or eyes closed. Definitely eyes closed! Our guest ran the water faucet in the sink. That didn’t help. I couldn’t help but laugh when MasterDoc added in the bathtub faucet. I struggled with trying to relax my sphincter. I shifted my weight around, put my hands up to my face; I was really fidgety. They eventually left me alone but I’m wasn’t supposed to go without letting them know. I still couldn’t pee. Several more minutes passed, and MasterDoc came in to tell me that our guest had said to let me off the hook about peeing, and get me on the sybian. MasterDoc let me pee without an audience but with my anxiety level so high I still had some trouble. Eventually, I managed to get a little out and I rejoined them in the living room.

We got me situated on the sybian. MasterDoc told me that as I’m working up to coming I can look down or at him, but when I’m ready to come I have to look at our guest as I ask permission until MasterDoc gives me permission to come. I find that even with sybian cranked up I can’t overcome my anxiety over making eye contact. It’s clear to MasterDoc that I’m overwhelmed by anxiety when I don’t come or even seem all that close to coming. He finally gives me permission to just come, and even then it takes several seconds before I can truly orgasm. I bury my head in his chest and hump the sybian as I come.

Our guest leaves after this, telling me he likes my smile as he says goodbye. I’m so embarrassed I can barely look him in the eye. I curl up on the sofa with the throe over me while MasterDoc walks him to the door. I’m feeling a little like I’m in shock, or having a touch of PTSD. I think it’s just that extreme anxiety will cause me to get a little triggered. After some talking with MasterDoc about the experience and how I felt, I calmed down and the bad feelings went away. I wonder if it would have helped to have me pee in front of MasterDoc before trying a stranger. I can pee in the same room as Davey or MasterDoc, but I have only once in my life had someone actually watch me pee. (And that was totally not erotic to me and I had a hard time then too. It was about 10 years ago with the guy who was my boyfriend at the time.) It made it even harder knowing that they (MasterDoc and guest) would enjoy seeing my embarrassment and struggle with this task. MasterDoc was not at all upset with me for not being able to do it, but the experience was stressful on the whole. Luckily, we went out for tea (sandwiches, scones and a large selection of teas to choose from) after and this very urbane meal helped me feel more centered and relaxed.

MasterDoc asked me if the experience was at least hot, and I had to admit that I was too anxious to feel turned on. The caning turned me on. Using the bullet vibe on myself turned me on, but any eye contact or pee attempts freaked me the hell out. I was feeling a little bit hot about the idea before our guest arrived. But with someone there I don’t know, I was overly anxious.

Friday

Published on November 29, 2009 in bdsm, bisexuality, D/s, dom, embarrassment, exhibitionism, flogging, humiliation play, kink, masochism, orgasm on command, restraints, sadism, sex parties, sex toys, squirting, submissive, Uncategorized and wax play. 2 Comments

We had quite a busy evening Friday night. MasterDoc booked a couple to come over for show before we were to head out to a party. I’m not used to doing shows in front of couples, or women. Both parties in the couple are Dom inclined. They were nice people and nice looking people. We got to chat a bit and then got on with the show.

MasterDoc had me take my pants off and spread my legs in the recliner. On some levels I have no trouble being bottomless in front of other like-minded individuals. But spreading my legs and being the only slut in a state of obvious arousal can be humiliating. But as we know, a little humiliation is hot to me. MasterDoc used the Acuvibe on me. I closed my eyes as it was easy to deal with the little embarrassment that way. It also helped me to focus on feeling good. He had me hold the vibe to my clit, and he came over with a flogger to my thighs. My pain tolerance is a strange thing, fairly tied to my level of arousal. While sometimes I yell out because something he does hurts, other times it makes me so totally hot. Friday night was the latter.

Warmed up a little, he had me lay over the Liberstor Scoop (rounded side). He used his hands on me (which can sometimes be more vicious than an implement. The man has large hands.) and the flogger, maybe the cane too? I was totally into the sensation of being beaten that night. He reached between my legs and ran the vibe over my cunt. Then, he grabbed a candle and lit it, but the surprise factor was ruined when someone in the couple piped up, “Hot wax!” He dripped it over my ass and thighs. I’m glad he’s gotten into wax play again lately. I had missed it. He had me turn over and he ordered me to sit with legs spread. I instinctively put my hands behind my head. He tortured me with hot wax on my thighs, even pushing my thighs open wider with his foot to reach that ultra-sensitive spot. MasterDoc used the Acuvibe on me to make me come. Some embarrassment led me to not come quite as hard as I usually do, but mental focus helped me psych myself up into coming as hard as was possible. I squirted a little bit and certainly did come. (I make a point of not faking orgasms. However, I will psych myself up more into something if my physical responses aren’t up to par on a given day.) I think a lesser orgasm for me is probably still much more intense than a regular orgasm for some women.

After working me over for a bit (time was limited), MasterDoc gave the woman in the couple a sybian ride. She’s quite cute, and fond of dominating women, so I hope we will see her (and her gentleman) again.

The sybian saw a lot of action Friday night.

We went to a new play party – or new to us anyway. The host of the party had friended us on Fetlife. Play parties always being an expense to consider, MasterDoc had me write to the host and offer to bring his sybian in exchange for the two of us being comped. (Please, don’t assume a doctor makes an obscene amount of money, it’s not always true.) And luckily that was perfectly cool with the host.

When we arrived at the party, we set the sybian up. I got to chat with a really nice young queer guy who was dying of curiosity to try the sybian. MasterDoc assured him that he had tried it himself (despite being terminally straight, he loves anal stimulation) but I think the guy doubted MasterDoc’s hetero point of view. The party had a nice variety of people there. The host is black, and the proportion of black people there was much higher than most kink events I’ve been to. In general, most people were pretty nice and friendly. It was a great atmosphere. The only bit of diversity that seemed missing were obvious lesbians. Most women seemed to be bi, but unlike the clearly queer guys there didn’t seem to be any clearly queer women.

I got a second chance to try the violet wand. I like it and wish we could afford one (those things are expensive!) But it was a pretty casual thing while we were standing around and the owner of the wand happened to plug it in near us and start using it on (willing) people.

The space had three rooms and a common area, we never made it into the dance room. I prefer being able to talk to the people around me, unless I’ve specifically gone out to dance. In the quietest room, a fem Dom who had been talking to us earlier came in and reached out to caress both me and MasterDoc as we sat side by side on a table. She had some toys that we haven’t used: a braided flogger and a dragon’s tail. To quote John Mellencamp, it “hurts so good.” As I stood with my pants down and head on the table, MasterDoc came up next to me and talked me through breathing slowly and controlling my breathing to control my response to the pain. It hurt, but with appropriate breathing I could manage. MasterDoc took a turn with the braided flogger – owie. It requires a different technique than he’s used to with a regular flogger so it hurt more when he did it. He used the magic wand on me as our new friend flogged me.

My ass was nice and red and sore after. The room we were in had mirrors so I got a good look. Next came the sybian ride. As usual, I was the first one at the party since other women were tentative about trying this machine out. I had my usual screaming orgasm – it went something like this: “Oh god, oh god, oh fuck, oh fuck, *scream* oh fuck, fuck, fuck, oh yes, oh god.” (Lather, rinse, repeat.) It felt like the orgasms were wrenched out of me. (I wonder if my uncoordinated grasping at MasterDoc during this is what led to the loss my new bracelet. I really have no idea when during the night I lost it.) After, a guy who had witnessed it told me, “Please, don’t hold back. You should let us know how you feel!” I was fucking loud.

Besides me, and the lady earlier in the evening, six ladies enjoyed a ride on the sybian. The first lady, begged for a second ride and MasterDoc gave it to her. She would have gone for round three if she was permitted. She convinced her sister sub to take a ride, and she (a lovely, tall, curvy, African-American lady with glasses and pigtails) looked like a woman possessed as she came. Their Dom handcuffed the first lady for her ride (I think that’s hot!). Every woman was a satisfied customer. One told her boyfriend “fuck you” as she came uncontrollably on the sybian. Funny thing is she’s the one lady to find MasterDoc on fetlife and thank him for the ride. One guy worried about how he’d measure up to the machine, but I assured him that despite my love for the sybian, I still want MasterDoc’s cock on a regular basis.

The only drawbacks to the party was that there was no where to fuck (it was a space rented from a theatre company), the music was really loud, the space quite crowded and you couldn’t bring beverages into the rooms where you played. But it was one hell of a fun night!

On the way home, I was desperate for a pee. As we walked through the cold to his building, MasterDoc teased me a little. We got inside, and he went to the elevator – and merely rested his hand by the button! Argh! Then as we waited for the elevator he came up behind me, reached around and pressed my tummy by the bladder. Evil, evil man! In the apartment, he stood between me and the path to the bathroom. He is truly a sadist! It was a relief when I could finally go.

Savoring Submission

Published on November 25, 2009 in anxiety, bdsm, blow jobs, D/s, edge play, embarrassment, exhibitionism, humiliation play, kink, masochism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, piss play, sadism, sex, shio, spanking, squirting, stress, submissive and Uncategorized. 2 Comments

I was feeling very cuddly and obedient Tuesday night. I threw in many “Sirs” that weren’t even strictly necessary. After my emotional outburst of the week before, it felt comforting to submit. To be his. At one point while we were cuddling, it felt like being in his arms was the most amazing, pleasurable place I could be. He counseled me over not letting work stresses and atmospheres push me into depression. Having him guide me is so very important. I still wince and shudder when I think that out of depression I nearly walked out.

He had me suck his cock. I suppose a good nickname for cocks would be “slut’s pacifier.” It’s not only hot to suck him til he’s good and hard, it’s also a comforting place to be. When I’m truly engaged in it, I don’t think about my problems. While I sucked, he talked about rough riding me. (Definition 1.2) He was going to let me use the Acuvibe on my cunt while going down on him but I couldn’t get in a good position to do so. So instead he told me I’d better get myself wet through thinking nice thoughts.

He told me that he’s trained me really well in sucking cock. He likes the way I take it in deep. He grasped my hair at times, and the whole situation was making me horny. The idea of unlubed sex with a stranger? Horrifying. Idea of unlubed sex with my Dom – hot beyond belief. Also, I was aroused, so I figured that I was likely to be at least somewhat wet.

He had me put a condom on and then suck his cock some more. The condom had the most vile tasting lube (w/ nonoxynol-9. I thought they banned that shit!), however, I was in full submissive mood so I just did as I was told and resolved to only mention the putrid lube later. Instead of taking his cock well into my mouth, I ended up doing a lot of spitting and drooling on it to wet it (and to avoid getting more lube in my mouth).

The Fascinator Throe is in the laundry, so we only had a towel to make sure I didn’t wet the bed with my come. He had me get on hands and knees. He slapped my ass and said, “Here’s your foreplay!” He spanked me some more. He knows just the right amount of roughness to get me going.

He fucked me, and certainly I wasn’t completely dry. The idea of him forcing his way into me got me lubed up in no time. He said, “Who needs lube?” Apparently not us as my pussy did what it needed to do.

He fucked me for a long time and alternately slow and fast. My head ended up way down on the bed so that my ass was as accessible as possible. “Take that, bitch!” In a consensual act of sex that’s fucking hot.

At one point he had me squeeze my vaginal muscles then release. He then resumed fucking me. I started to worry that I wouldn’t be able to hold back from coming after giving the clenching a test. He teased me and I struggled with finding that balance between enjoying the feeling and not getting so aroused I come. I love when he drags things out and keeps me on the edge of orgasm for a while. I love when he fucks me.

Eventually, he had me come and slapped my cunt to keep me coming after his penis was pushed out. He starts to gently touch my pussy and he gradually does more and more, teasing my hole, which makes me come more. As he slowly moves to putting his fingers inside me, I’m so hot with the desperate desire for him to violate me more blatantly. By his holding back a bit I think I came harder than I might have if he had just started in fingering me hard. But did I yearn for those fingers inside me! I love when he fingers me. I squirted…and missed the towel. Doh. But by bedtime the bed was dry.

I was feeling really cuddly after I recovered from the intense orgasms. He provided aftercare in a really good way at one point – he propped his book on my back and sat there reading, all the while caressing my butt, back and thighs. It was needed attention coupled with just a wee bit of objectification. I later enjoyed laying my head on his tummy, thinking that I should savor that moment in case he loses weight and has less tummy in the future. While I wholeheartedly support him losing weight to be healthier, I do like his tummy. But I’d definitely sacrifice his tummy for his health.

By the end of that evening, I had forgotten about the upcoming threat of the weekend. He’s having a guy who has come for a few shows with DeeDee come to see me – and to watch me pee. I am phenomenally pee-shy. I am terrified. He says that it’s ok, I can take as long as I need. But jeez, it might take me all weekend to relax enough to do that! And it doesn’t help knowing that the guy likes the humiliation of making a woman pee in front of him. He’ll love my struggle and anxiety. But while I’m scared, I’m also keen to do as I’m told. MasterDoc wants me to do it, so I want to succeed to please him.

While thinking about this that night I realized that I truly am a masochist. It’s not just a physical thing, but I get turned on by him pushing me outside my comfort zone. I get off on him making me hurt mentally (but as we discussed then, it’s about pain but never scarring or permanently injuring – mentally or physically. Ok, maybe a little physical scarring if it’s consensual.) While I’m terrified about peeing in front of someone, the idea that he’s making me do it is a turn on.

Mid-30′s Crisis

Published on November 17, 2009 in anxiety, crazy, depression, derangement, embarrassment, emotions, happy, impulses, mental illness, monogamy, musings, neurosis, non-monogamy, poly, stress, Uncategorized and venting. 3 Comments

I had a meltdown today. It was a combination of factors. I turn 37 tomorrow. Like other women my age who have not had children I’m starting to get scared about the fact that every passing year my ability to have a child lessens. I’m not even sure I want a child. I get these little fantasies about having a little girl (yup, typical!) and teaching her things, taking her to her first day of school. But when I give it more considered thought I realize that I would have to drastically change my lifestyle. Obviously whoever I had the baby with would be the person I spent the most time with as we would be raising a child together. What would happen with my other relationships? It would be much harder to get away to spend time with MasterDoc, or go to a swing party, or get a good beating. Up until a couple of years ago, I was dead set on NOT having a child. And I figured if I changed my mind late in life I could adopt – because ultimately I don’t have the feeling that I have to give birth to a child to love it. I realized that I didn’t want to sacrifice my life enough to do so, and that knowing that and living childless would be the smartest option for myself and any child I could potentially have. If I’m going to parent I want to be committed to it 100%. But the question is, do I want to commit to it 100%? Or even 60%?
So I’m going through this “baby” crisis I’m sure other women my age have gone through. I worry – will I get to old age and feel like I missed out on an important life experience? Who will take care of me when I’m old? But on the other hand I’ve long had worries that I’d be like my mother and have a rough relationship with the child and I really am NOT close to my mother. Having a child doesn’t guarantee having someone around to take care of you when you’re old. I think this has also hit now because over the past three years or so suddenly my friends went from being all unmarried and without children (with rare exceptions) to some of them being married, having kids, settling down. Or being a bit older and having done the family thing and now moved on to enjoying the time they have now that their kids are grown.
There’s also the fact that I could see myself co-parenting with MasterDoc, but as he’s in his mid 50′s he’s not interested in starting over again. He has a kid in college. He has a lifestyle he’s presently happy with. While there have been men in their 50s (or even older) who have fathered children, it’s understandable that most people in their 50s (and up) don’t want to start all over again. And while Davey adores me and would do the family thing if I really wanted one, he doesn’t really want it himself and I think that we have enough similar weaknesses that perhaps he’s not the best one to parent with. And again, do I actually want to do that anyway? Is the desire to have a child based on reality or based on hormones or a sense that time is closing its window for me?
So today I was in crisis. I’ve also been realizing that probably I won’t be as important as I’d like to be to MasterDoc (and that I’ve been terrible in taking Davey for granted). I wondered if I should break up with MasterDoc and go find another Dom who wants more closely what I do. We spent a very teary afternoon talking, and I made him feel terrible. AND I made myself feel terrible. I don’t really want to leave him. I have a wonderful time with him. My life is enhanced having him in it. So it’s not perfect, but you know, it’s really asking a hell of a lot for a relationship to be perfect. I have two wonderful, imperfect relationships with two good men who love me. Maybe I need to spend a little more time appreciating how happy I am much of the time.
I think part of the problem is that I suffer from depression – and so if I feel at all sad or dissatisfied I go off the deep end. I pull away. I bottle things up. I think in black and white. Negative thoughts spiral out of control in my head. And then like a volcano eventually I explode. It’s perfectly reasonable that I’m sad that things with MasterDoc will probably never be the intensity I’d like. But it’s not reasonable that I think it means I have to pull the plug on something that makes us happy.

I’m worn out this evening from the tears. I really do a bang up job of making myself unhappy. I was so utterly and completely miserable. I can’t believe that earlier today I was considering walking out of MasterDoc’s place and going home for good. A better indication of how this was depression rather than what I truly wanted is that I couldn’t picture doing anything other than committing suicide if I walked out of there. I pictured going home and putting my head in the oven. (Goes back to the old affinity I had for Sylvia Plath as a depressed teenager.) I felt horrible. I felt horribly unhappy. I only focused on the imperfect things and forgot the wonderful (perfect even!) facets of my relationship with him. I got extremely morbid and started figuring out that I have enough money in my bank accounts to finish off any outstanding medical bills and cover a funeral for me. I saw no future other than a dark tunnel and death.

I need to spend more time thinking about this baby issue, but thinking about how my life would change if I did it, rather than the idealized fantasy. Life is not one big idealized fantasy. I espouse polyamory virtues right and left but then I find myself thinking that I need to have one relationship meet all my needs. I have more than one relationship of value in my life. I need to start focusing on that. I think I need to deprogram society’s monogamous ideal from my head even more. I can’t see myself not being with Davey or MasterDoc. Why on earth do I feel that I need to focus on one relationship? When I was monogamous, I was never quite happy that I couldn’t explore things with other people.

The sad part is that I may be making up things to be unhappy about. I may be dwelling on things I don’t even want in reality.

Depression

Published on September 22, 2009 in anxiety, crazy, depression, derangement, embarrassment, emotions, illness, mental illness, musings, neurosis and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

Those of you who follow this blog and my twitter know that I’ve been dealing with a pretty big bout of depression the past few days. Today it’s starting to lift a bit, and hopefully will soon pass. I get to see MasterDoc today, and Shane came over last night to spend some time. Both of them are great to cuddle, as well as enjoyable to spend time with. I’ll talk about the naughty bits of my evening with Shane in another post. Davey comes home just in time for MasterDoc to go away again – so I won’t be sitting around alone for another weekend.

I want to talk today about clinical depression. There’s still enough of a stigma against it that it can be terrifying to be openly depressed (or suffer from any other mental illness). While I did have a lot of nice people send tweets of support, I still felt afraid that I’d be perceived as “crazy” and therefore undesirable. (I also worry that people like the guy who assaulted me will use it against me to dismiss my claims of being assaulted.) Granted, being depressed adds to this feeling of being lesser – it’s part of the issue in the first place. When I’m depressed I feel overwhelmingly sad, overwhelmingly bad about myself (I kept thinking that I’m too much trouble and that MasterDoc and Davey would be better off without me), and I feel guilty asking for help. MasterDoc was spending the weekend at DeeDee’s for the first time, and last thing I wanted to do was ruin his or her weekend. When depressed, I don’t have energy to do much, and I don’t get pleasure out of much either. I felt so depressed yesterday afternoon that I actually told MasterDoc that I didn’t have any interest in sex right then. (Yes, I know, can you imagine??)

But I really needed to seek help. Part of the complexity of depression is that you withdraw, you think you’re not worth helping right at the time you need help the most. And I have to say that it is definitely an illness – I couldn’t control my dark mood any more than I could control my gall stone attack a few weeks ago. When it comes to physical ailments, we shuffle people off to the doctor or emergency room right away for treatment, even if it’s just to reduce the pain via painkillers. But with mental illness people often look the other way – they don’t want to embarrass the person who’s depressed and since curing depression isn’t as easy as a shot of painkiller (wish it was) they feel helpless. So they give the person space. But if we treated other ailments that way it would seem crazy, wouldn’t it? To ignore a gall stone attack while it’s put someone in agonizing pain seems absurd, but ignoring a bout of depression which has similarly put the subject in pain is not unusual.

While I’m depressed and pushing people away, I’m also hoping that someone will ignore my pushes and come in and take care of me. I want nothing more than to be reassured that I’m not worthless. As the depression lifts, I can see that my thinking has been irrational and was caused by being mentally ill but in the midst of it it’s practically impossible to see. And it hurts. Being depressed hurts. Maybe not in the same morphine-fixable way that gall stone pain does, but it’s an agonizing emotional pain.

When dealing with someone who’s mentally ill, please don’t ever tell them to just “cheer up.” My friend and I were laughing about this yesterday. “Haha, yeah I hate when people think that’s gonna help. “OMG, I hadn’t thought of that! ‘Just feel better’ – You’re a genius!” she said. I agreed that it’s just as hard to will the pain of mental illness away as it is to will the pain of my gall stones away. (Or will away cancer, or a heart attack.) “Exactly! Its miraculous! I can feel better whenever I want, and I CHOOSE to be miserable like this! -facepalm- “ It really helps to talk with someone who understands. I do not choose to be depressed. I cannot just make it go away. I do take medication for it but medication is imperfect. It feels lousy to be mentally ill – the longer I live with it the more I see it as an illness just like any physical one. It has an onset, I feel really unwell for a while, and then gradually it improves and goes away.

But even though I’ve long been open about my depression (I think we need to be open to get rid of the stupid stigma) when I’m actually depressed I stigmatize myself. I’ve been understanding that since I sprained my wrist late last week that I have to coddle it and rely more on my other arm. But I’ve been much less understanding that I need to coddle my psyche and lean on MasterDoc’s mind for a while. As a submissive, I feel it’s my job to take care and to not be any work. It’s hard for me to truly let my defenses down and let someone in to the whack-a-doodle shit going on in my brain. I wrote a blog entry offline to work on expressing my feelings. I only just showed it to MasterDoc and I doubt I’ll post it here. He didn’t think it sounds as crazy as I thought it did. It’s scary to do so though, because even in the midst of it you know it’s disordered thinking and sharing it with someone is terrifying. You become a prisoner in your own mind. Reaching out to connect with someone else is often the biggest help, but the hardest thing to do.

I’m not 100% back to normal as of yet. But the fog has lifted somewhat, and I’ve managed to open up to help and support from people around me finally.