See the dark line right on my butt at the bottom edge of the photo? Major cane stripe. My butt still hurts over 24 hours later. As if there was any doubt, I'm a masochist and MasterDoc is a sadist.
It had been a while since I had a beating. I felt like I needed one and made sure to tweet about it. I’ll bet MasterDoc was already planning one, however, as he commented recently that I hadn’t had one in a while AND that I needed one. (The latter part said after I made some smart ass remark, I’m sure.)
He saw our friend V. the other morning. She doesn’t have anyone else to give her proper (and well-done) beatings, so MasterDoc gladly obliged. He intended to see if I could handle the same beating as V., however part way through he realized that he didn’t get to fuck V. and he sure as hell was going to take the chance while beating me.
He had me put on the blindfold, and I wasn’t able to see what implements he was getting out. He started with the small flogger, which I can recognize by the sting. He warmed up my ass and interspersed some hard hand slaps as well.
He used the large flogger on my ass and upper back – and even had me sit up straight briefly for some serious upper back flogging.
He moved on to the wooden paddle – I think that is one of my least favorite impact toys. It’s flat and unyielding, and therefore hurts like a motherfucker. My body would contract instinctively in an attempt to move my ass away from the blows. MasterDoc pays close attention to the noises I make and my bodily reactions and varies his beating accordingly. You can’t (or, at least, shouldn’t) beat your sub relentlessly hard. Unless they’re into that of course. But a beating that starts light and increases in intensity and then varies intensity according to how the sub is processing the pain is ideal.
He switched to the canes. While the pain is more concentrated than the paddle, I usually find it easier to bear as it covers a small amount of flesh at a time. I can imagine that marks were starting to come out on my ass at this point. MasterDoc decided to get in some fucking and had me move to the end of the bed. He stood behind me and slapped my ass with his cock. He lubed me up (surprisingly the beating hadn’t lubed me up quite enough) and slid his cock in. It was yummy getting fucked, and he did it slowly. Leisurely. He varied the intensity so that he’d keep teasing me. He’d bring me to the edge of orgasm and then slow down. He’d later thrust in deeply to hear me moan. I wondered if he was going to come again, but I just kept focusing on being fucked by his delicious cock. He spanked, paddled, caned me from time to time.
With the blindfold on I was in darkness and my focus was entirely on the sensations. He told me to come, and as I did he kept his cock inside for long time by thrusting in deeply. Unfortunately, I eventually had “female premature ejaculation”* and my vagina of steel pushed his cock out before his orgasm. He slapped my pussy and I started to squirt. Unfortunately I wasn’t on top of the throe and he had to have me scoot forward on the bed so I didn’t soak the sheets.
After I recovered for a few moments, he handed me the Hitachi magic wand and caned me some more. The feeling of the vibe on my clit brought me to the edge of orgasm again. And the cane strikes didn’t hurt as much as before but pushed me closer to orgasm. I’m sure this is the point where I ended up with such major bruising and cane stripes. As I hurtled towards orgasm, I could withstand more and more intense caning. I was ready to come, and with his permission I came, squirting all over the magic wand and throe. He caned me for a little longer and then worked his thick fingers inside my pussy. He manipulated my g-spot and I came even harder. I squirted again and didn’t want him to stop. It felt amazing.
After, I collapsed on the bed. He had me take off the blindfold and my collar. I lay there grinning from ear to ear, but my ass was so sore! (And the skin was broken apparently!) We had some tender cuddles and kisses – something I doubt the average vanilla person pictures when they think about BDSM and Dom/sub relationships. But the pain is always surpassed by the love and affection I get. We’re two halves of a whole. I like pain, he likes giving it, but only to people who are consenting. It’s a lovey dynamic indeed.
Of course, MasterDoc being MasterDoc, he contemplated pissing on my bruised and lacerated ass. This remained only a contemplation, however.
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*This is our new term. Female premature ejaculation is when a pussy pushes the cock out before the guy can come. Feel free to add it to Urban Dictionary and use it widely. Just give us credit.
This Lady Gaga song inspired me to write a bit of erotica for a change. The video has nothing to do with my fantasy, but I love it all the same for being totally campy and sexy at the same time.
This is some pretty kinky shit, but if you read here regularly you should realize the kinds of things that are talked about on this blog. And without further ado: “Show Me Your Teeth.”
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She had dared him to go further than before. The butterflies tickled her stomach as she wondered if she could handle what he was going to dish out.
She had shared some of her darkest fantasies with him – the ones where she’s tied up helpless, the ravishment fantasies, the ones where he does things to her she likes to think she doesn’t want. But at the same time becoming his slut entirely turns her on immensely and she hopes that her gentle teasing has gotten him worked up enough to really push her limits this time.
She had spent some time reassuring him that she was ready for this. She wanted him to reach down and find those dark places of his soul and utilize them so they could both fulfill the twisted fantasies that brought them together.
He put her collar around her neck, and while he usually wasn’t big on protocol, he ordered her to kneel before him, forehead touching the floor. She did as she was told and steeled herself for what she hoped would be a bumpy ride.
He placed his foot on her head, holding it down.
“Are you sure you’re ready slut?” he asked her.
“Yes, Sir,” she replied immediately. She could feel her cunt begin to get wet. He removed his foot from her head and had her sit up. He sat on the sofa across from her spot on the floor and looked into her eyes.
“You are going to do everything I tell you tonight without question. I am going to take you to a place of humiliation and submission that you’ve never been to before.” She took a deep breath at this. “Go get the behind the back restraints.”
She was thrilled he asked for those – she had always hoped they’d use them again. Just having them on made her hot. When she returned to the room with the restraints, he stood up and put them on her. He buckled the collar, then buckled each wrist into their respective cuffs. She straightened up, and in this position her full breasts stood out. He took a hunk of her hair in his hand and shook her head around a little. She closed her eyes in a bit of a swoon. While her eyes were closed, he raised his hand and slapped her across the face a few times, each time a little harder than the first. When she opened her eyes he looked at her intently.
“I’ll be back in a moment. I expect you to stand at attention for me right here, understand?”
“Yes, Sir.”
She could feel every inch of her skin thrum as she heard him go off into the bedroom where the toys were kept. She tried to figure out what he was getting by the noises, but she couldn’t be certain. There was a chain noise and otherwise the noises were indistinguishable.
He came up behind her and placed a blindfold over her eyes. Now she was helpless and unable to see. He started to pull something else over her face, and she soon realized it was the muzzle. Her helplessness increased with not being able to communicate easily. He tweaked a nipple and she practically gushed wetness knowing that she was at his mercy. A chain rattled. She tried to discern if it was a leash or not. As he started pulling at her nipples, making them stand out, she realized that the chain must be one that connects two nipple clamps. The question was, which ones?
He slowly released the clamp onto one nipple. As it continued to bite and bite she knew it must be the clover clamps. She took deep breaths through her nose to cope with the pain. Clover clamps weren’t something she’d grown accustomed to just yet.
“Take the pain for me slut,” he said as he tugged lightly on the clamp to make sure it was on securely. She whimpered and he stroked the side of her face. “Breathe deeply. That’s it.”
He went for the other nipple and soon the other clamp was biting into her flesh. On the one hand, she wondered if she could stand the pain, on the other, her cunt felt like it was on fire. He pulled a little on the chain and she whimpered loudly. She moved her hands instinctively but of course found them to be secured behind her back, where they couldn’t do her any good.
He helped her balance as she was lowered onto her knees on the floor. Her senses were flooded with the pain, and the feel of his hand on her shoulders, and the anticipation of what might come next. He removed the muzzle. “You’re not to speak unless spoken too, understand cunt?”
“Yes, Sir,” she replied.
She heard him unzip his pants and he took his semi-hard cock out and slapped her on the face a few times. “You’re my cock-sucking whore,” he said, “You’re my piss-drinking whore. You’re my ass-licking whore. Open your mouth.” He put his cock in and she hoped that he was too hard to piss in her mouth. Anyway, he wasn’t likely to do it in the living room where there would be a mess if she failed to catch every drop.
She sucked, having a hard time keeping his ever-hardening cock in her mouth without the use of her hands. He grabbed the back of her head, and pulled her face right into his crotch. She tried to breathe through her nose while he gagged her on his cock, but soon she was sputtering and dripping drool down her chest. “Again, whore,” he said as he pushed his cock into her mouth and straight to the back of her throat again. He fucked her mouth hard and drool ran down her chin. Snot started to flow out of her nose and she was sure her makeup would be moist and messed up under the blindfold. He choked her repeatedly on his large cock, and then pulled her head back by the hair and slapped her face a few times. She could feel her sense of will melting as she became nothing more than his whore. She wanted him to hurt her. She wanted him to use her.
He reached down and slowly removed the clover clamps. She cried out as they came off and the blood painfully rushed back into each nipple. He slapped her for making noise and put the muzzle back over her mouth. “Get up,” he said and he helped her to her feet as she couldn’t hold her balance with her arms behind her. He undid the restraints and she rolled her shoulders to ease the soreness in them. She could hear and feel a leash hook onto her collar and he led her, still blindfolded, into the bedroom. He had her kneel on the bed, head down, ass in the air. Without warm up, he caned her a few swift times. She cried out under her muzzle.
Next this cold and slick fingers were pushing into her ass, lubing her up. She could feel the cold steel butt plug as he stroked it teasingly around her asshole. He pushed, and it slid in, filling her up. With his other hand, he checked between her pussy lips. “You’re a wet little slut, aren’t you?” She could hear the wet noises as he slapped her pussy. He slid a finger inside and wiggled it around just a little bit. She moaned and pushed back onto his hand.
He laughed.
“Not yet slut.”
He removed the muzzle and the blindfold, and slid his finger, slick with her juices, into her mouth. She obediently sucked his finger clean. As he pulled away momentarily, her eyes blinked, adjusting to the light in the room. She could still feel the heavy steel plug in her ass. He told her to lay down on her stomach and rest for a moment. He gathered up more toys.
He lay down next to her on the bed and she pulled herself close to his chest. She wanted him so badly that she started to lick his chest and massage it with her fingers. He let her do this for a moment, and lay back to enjoy her attentions.
His cock was hard again when he had her stop and lay on her stomach. She felt the cold swipe of an alcohol wipe on each ass cheek. This could only mean one thing – needles. Her ass chilled as the alcohol evaporated from her skin. She listened to him unwrap a couple of needles. He grabbed one ass cheek and slid a needle into her flesh, the needle exiting out a short distance later. She took a deep breath and her body soon flooded with endorphins. He stuck her again, on the other side this time, and again she was flying high on her body’s own natural drug. She was blissfully in subspace. Her will had dropped completely, and she only wanted to do whatever he wanted her to do. He let her lie there and enjoy the rush for a few minutes. He knew, however, that this was the ideal time to really push her limits.
After removing each needle, he asked her if she was able to stand. “I think so, Sir,” she replied and unsteadily sat up on the bed. He looked into her eyes, leaned forward, and kissed her deeply.
“You’re a good girl. Now let’s see if you’re as obedient as I expect you to be tonight.”
He led her into the bathroom, and she knew this meant piss play. She always had such mixed feelings about piss play. On the one hand it was degrading and gross. On the other hand, she relished him putting her into that mental space. It wasn’t that she thought she was worthless, it was just that him making her feel dirty and under his control gave her such a high.
He had her kneel in the cold tub. Would he just pee on her, or would this be the time he finally followed through with his threat and peed in her mouth? He removed her collar, “just for practicality’s sake.” She knew that even without that symbol around her neck she was expected to obey.
“Are you my obedient slut?”
“Yes, Sir. I’m your obedient slut.”
He made sure to look into her eyes as he spoke. “I expect you to prove that now to me. This next part can be as easy or difficult as you make it. I expect you to try your hardest to please me.”
She could feel herself shake a little. This was it. This was when he followed through on the months of threats. God, would she be able to stand the taste of piss in her mouth? Would it totally freak her out? Thankfully the endorphins from earlier were still flowing and she felt a rush when faced with the challenge of doing that which she found totally repulsive. He stepped as close to the tub as he could, and took his mostly soft cock into his hand. He took hold of her hair with the other hand. “Open your mouth.”
She did as she was told, with only a slight hesitation. She closed her eyes tight, but he wasn’t having that. “Look at me, bitch!” She opened up her eyes and looked up at him, standing over her like some sort of powerful god. He wanted to see her eyes as he did this. He wanted to watch the struggle as it unfolded in her head and showed in her eyes.
With her mouth wide open, and eyes wide open as well, she felt the first hot drops of piss land on her tongue. A panic came over her, but she steadied herself and let it flow into her mouth. He relished the look in her eyes. It was a look of panic and disgust, but she held herself still as he pissed into her mouth. He felt powerful knowing that he could make her do this.
“Swallow as much as you can, cunt.”
She gagged as she swallowed but she kept coming back for more because more than anything else she wanted to please him. She wanted to show her devotion by letting him use her however he wanted. When she’d gag and cough a little he ended up pissing on her face and into her hair. A few tears escaped the corners of her eyes. He took hold of her hair more tightly and continued to let go a long stream of piss into her mouth.
“Hold it in your mouth a moment. Show me.”
She knew he meant the piss and, struggling against all sorts of forces within her, she held a pool of it in her mouth, revolted by the taste. He looked into her eyes.
“Now swallow cunt.” She did and collapsed in the tub, crying. To an outsider, she seemed broken and devastated. But she felt a certain freedom in having let go of her inhibitions so. He let her collapse, but he continued pissing onto her body. “You’re my filthy, piss-drinking slut. One of these days I’ll do this with a whole crowd of men to watch. Then I’ll have them piss all over you as well. You’ll reek of piss and they will be amazed at how much you’re my whore.” He finished pissing on her.
“Clean up,” he said as he left the room. She slowly gathered her wits. She felt emptied out inside, like all her worries no longer had a space within her. Somehow she felt baptized, new. She adjusted the water in the tub and began rinsing herself off. She took handfuls of water into her mouth and rinsed it out as best she could. She had to wash her hair as he had pissed there as well.
She dried off. She put her collar back on and went to find Sir. Her damp hair hung limply and clung to her face. She had forgotten temporarily about the plug in her ass.
She found him in the living room and she asked his permission to use the toilet. He didn’t grant it right away but made her sit on the floor at his feet. The fullness of her bladder added to her arousal in some strange way. Still, she was becoming desperate to use the bathroom.
He lifted her chin and she had a hard time looking at him. “You’re a good girl,” he said. She let out a deep breath and focused her eyes on him. “You can go use the bathroom now.”
She paused for a moment, wanting to ask if she could remove the plug from her ass, but then she remembered that she wasn’t to speak unless spoken to. Thankfully, he noticed the conflicted look on her face and he asked her what she was thinking.
“May I please remove the plug from my ass, Sir?”
He laughed a little. “I had forgotten it was in there. Yes, you may remove it. Now go use the bathroom and meet me in the bedroom after.”
He handed her the ball gag when she arrived. She put it on and he had her get on hands and knees on the bed again. He stroked his hard cock and put a condom on it.
He pulled her ass apart and could see the slick, shaved lips of her cunt. She was remarkably wet. He slid his cock into her and fucked her slowly. Her muffled moans turned him on more, and he felt a sense of ownership over her. She moaned and pushed her hips back to sink his cock as deeply as she could. His cock stayed completely rigid as he fucked her. Her moans became louder through the gag. She could come at any second, he only had to give the word. But he was enjoying teasing her and he pounded her cunt a little with his cock, listening to the desperation grow in her moans.
Finally, he thrust his cock as deep inside her as he could and told her to come. His entire body trembled and he could feel her cunt convulse around his cock. She made a remarkable amount of noise for someone who was gagged. As she came, he felt his own arousal peak and shot forth a wad of hot come. He groaned and twitched as her pussy continued milking his cock as she came. He felt his balls suddenly drenched as she squirted. He smiled.
As they both lay limp on the bed after, he put his mouth to hear ear and said, “I’m very proud of you cunt.” She glowed from within from his compliment.
After having such a good time with the Zeus Electrosex Box recently, MasterDoc ordered the torpedo attachment, which enables you to zap the inside of a vagina. (Or ass if you’re so inclined although the one we got is kinda big for that. Plus this toy is not really sterilizable, so don’t swap locations or partners with it.) MasterDoc started off with the electrodes again however, and he had me place them on either side of my clit myself – having me place painful things on myself is an idea he got from a porn we watched recently where the woman put clothespins on her tits before going to see her Dominants.
He toyed with the electric current, and without much stimulation at all, he told me to come and I did. That night I was to come a few more times with just the slightest bit of stimulation. He said to me that night, “You know we’re very close to making you come on command.” Indeed we are. He slapped my clit a bit with the electricity flowing through my clit and made me come again. The third time, he wasn’t really doing anything but he gave me a firm look right in the eyes and told me to come. My body spasms involuntarily when he tells me to come. I keep being amazed by how easily he can make me come on command these days.
MasterDoc has lamented getting old and someday not having his cock work, but I pointed out that the way things are going he won’t have to lift a finger to make me come and be satisfied. It’s amazing what a strong sex organ the brain is. Granted, this took over two and a half years of conditioning to reach, so don’t expect this sort of thing to happen overnight.
The fourth time I came, he fingered me and the stroking of my g-spot while being zapped through the clit was divine. Finally, it was time to use the torpedo attachment. He lubed it up well, although I was quite wet by this time. The torpedo is pretty rigid so it’s not the sort of thing to just shove in without lube or warm up. The feeling of the electricity from the torpedo insert was quite different than the feeling from the electrode attachments. It was like it stimulated and made my vaginal muscles contract rather than feeling like a zap. Orgasm from this was pretty damn easy.
As hot as all this was, and as satisfied as I was at having had five massive orgasms (or rather, sets of orgasms), we still hadn’t fucked and it had been a full week since we had. He had me get on top and I rode his cock fiercely. His cock has been dealing with my vagina of steel better lately (and perhaps I’m not contracting quite as hard during orgasm? I don’t know.) and it felt wonderful to have his big hard cock inside me as I came.
It was getting late, and I was getting tired, but MasterDoc hadn’t come yet. He chose some porn and I played with his ass as he stroked his cock. He said sometime recently that he needs to have me teach DeeDee what to do with his ass. I suppose that’s the advantage at being someone’s submissive longer – you’ve gotten things down that the other sub is just starting to learn. In this vein, I’ve started a wiki on taking care of/serving MasterDoc. DeeDee and I had discussed a butler’s book, but the wiki seems more practical and easy to organize. (And we all know how librarians like organized information!) It’s technically public (had to be to be free) so perhaps some day I’ll share the url. To this, MasterDoc said, “Yes, so they can see how easy it is to take care of me!” I could not suppress a smile. He can be quite particular about some things, but he’s right when he points out that he’s not a Dom who demands perfection – and that’s one of the many things that makes him the right Dom for me. He’s not heavy on protocol, he won’t punish me for stupid things or things out of my control, and he’s just so damn cuddly for a sadistic bastard.
I’ve spent plenty of time the last two months bitching about struggling through PMS. I’m happy to say this month is better, but even though it seems like all is well, I can tell that in a way my mood has gone a bit manic this time. I’m not bipolar, but I think even in regular depression sometimes your mood will swing the other way – just far less often than a person with bipolar might experience. I find myself giddy this month, googly-eyed lovey, eager to do things. I went for an hour long walk today. I never do that! So while the symptoms this month could be described as “positive” I think it’s just another side of the coin from the “negative” symptoms of the past few months. I’m out of balance emotionally like I am every month, it’s just that this month seems more positive.
Last night I had a wonderful night out with MasterDoc. My giddy, lovey mood made me really appreciate how happy I am with him. I really got into our dynamic and realized how fulfilling it is for me. It’s funny, because I constantly struggle with two different desires – there’s a part of me that’s independent and wants to make my own damn decisions but there’s another part of me that wants nothing more than for him to have control. These two parts sometimes conflict. A part of me says that I shouldn’t just let someone else control me like he does, but then I am so turned on and so happy when he does take control.
When we arrived at the swing club, he poured us some water since the bartender wasn’t around. I had said I was thirsty and I couldn’t wait until the water was poured. But, rather than hand it to me, he took a drink first. I wanted to say something as I was so thirsty, but the look he gave me said it all. “I want to make sure you remember your place,” he said to me. I went weak in the knees.
All last night, I found that being his slut was hotter than anything else. I realized that while we do sometimes like swinging with others, there are times like last night where the real kink being satisfied out at the swing club is that I’m his whore, and he gets to show off just what I will do for him. He gets to talk to me like I’m a dirty slut in front of everyone and I don’t object but instead am obviously turned on. I follow his command without hesitation or argument when he tells me to suck his cock, or take my clothes off, or come.
I have moments when I worry that some people are judging me for being such a whore. But then I get so turned on by it that I forget to feel embarrassed. While some might judge me, I think that most people find how I am to be phenomenally hot. The single men at the club are all eager to talk to us in the hopes of joining in. I’m not gorgeous, I’m fat and flabby, but I am a sex goddess there. And I am his. He gets to be the guy who has control over this nymph who wants to fuck and fuck and fuck. (And the reason I want to fuck and fuck and fuck is because I’m so fucking turned on by him.) We’re parts of a whole. It’s a dynamic. I give up control, he takes control and we’re both happy in those states.
Just when I thought I was tired from coming, I’d look into his eyes again and I’d start breathing shallowly and I’d ache for him to touch me and make me come. He can make me come without even touching any of the typical erogenous zones. For me, the hottest part of sex is the mind-fuck, the control. While the stimulation of my pussy is wonderful, the fact that he controls when I come makes the fucking amazingly more intense. I realized last night that being submissive and kinky really are integral parts of my personality. As my Dom, he fulfills me so much that I am willing to struggle with insecurity and jealousy because sharing him with others is still way better than not having him in my life. I think I’m also starting to grow more secure. I’ve been making a concerted effort to focus on the positive and I have started noticing things I’d ignore before in favor of dwelling on the negative. I noticed last night, truly noticed and internalized, how much he enjoys being with me. And I’m starting to see that his wanting to spend time with others doesn’t diminish that. Since I’ve grown so very fond of DeeDee, I can totally see why he wants to spend time with her. And that makes it easier to go busy myself with something else when they want time alone. (She does the same for me.)
Is this a breakthrough or just the hyper-happiness of PMS? I really hope it’s the former.
Unlike most entries I’m not really telling the story of what sex acts we did last night. It just doesn’t seem as interesting to me as capturing what goes on mentally. He made me suck his cock and he choked me on it in front of everyone. He fingered me to orgasm in front of an audience, he made me come by just stroking my legs, butt, hip and breasts. He made me come over and over, uncontrollably. I squirted a huge puddle a couple of times. He fucked me hard and spanked me with the hard wooden paddle. He let some random guy eat me out, and I didn’t so much come from his abilities (which were ok but not great) but I came from knowing I was doing it because I’m MasterDoc’s slut. He made me come with my pants on just by grabbing my hair and talking dirty to me. I was so afraid I’d squirt in my pants!
I just kept thinking about how I’m really his whore and I will do nearly anything for him. That sort of power strikes me as scary at some moments, but I always come back to the key point that makes it not scary – he would never do anything to truly hurt me. He pushes my limits. He gets me to do things I thought I would never do, but he has never, not once done anything damaging to me. And even on the rare occasions where something didn’t quite work, he is fast to talk things over and make sense of what the issue was so he could avoid it in the future. Sometimes I think that it’s weird for a modern, feminist woman to be so deeply devoted to him, but I am.
The title of this entry came from MasterDoc, who of course got the line from George Orwell’s novel 1984. Near the end of the story, the main character (Winston) is locked up by the totalitarian government. They make him betray his love, Julia, by scaring him to death with something he fears the most (I want to say it was rats but I can’t recall). They make him break down and tell them that he wants them to do this horrible thing to Julia, not him. They make Winston betray her. MasterDoc has a knack for talking about something kinky and difficult and possibly painful, and he is good at making DeeDee and I encourage him to do it to the other, as long as he’s not doing it to us. He thinks this is hot. lol He really does like having power and control, doesn’t he?
A funny after comment on my Pain and Healing post: MasterDoc wasn’t feeling “into” it that day. He says that it’s one of maybe only two times he’s fooled around with me because I needed it and despite his lack of interest in that moment. Damn, imagine how hot it would have been if he were into it as well? I’m very lucky to have such a wonderful Dom who will take care of me when I’m depressed.
Saturday we fooled around and both of us were into it. I took a little bit to warm up – I may be frequently horny but I do need foreplay. It was a very casual sort of dalliance, he decided not to put my collar on. I hungrily sucked his cock for a while then he positioned himself between my legs and licked my clit.
He doesn’t go down on me often, but when he does he’s quite good at it. Now for those who are easily squicked, yes I have my period just now but as usual I used an instead cup and washed off down there right after inserting it. It seems like he goes down on me more frequently when I have my period, but I don’t have hard stats to back that up. I wonder if it’s a pheromone sort of thing.
He teased me with his lips and tongue. I lay back, closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling. I don’t come often from oral, but he really worked me up. He interspersed the oral attention with the magic wand, even trying to put his tongue on my clit while leaning the vibrating wand against his tongue. (Left his tongue feeling numb!) He pressed the wand hard against my clit and told me to come. I came at his command as usual, and I apparently pulled his hair while coming. I was only vaguely aware of my doing this.
We were going to fuck with me on top, but his cock didn’t cooperate. (He had forgotten to take a “happy pill” (aka viagra) and sometimes under these circumstances his cock doesn’t work as we want it to.) We rested a bit, and I stroked his chest. He got hard again and decided to fuck me from behind. It felt good, but alas he wasn’t fully hard so it wasn’t up to its usual amazingness. That was absolutely fine with me.
He really wanted to come, so I gladly played with his ass while he jerked off. We had gotten a couple of insertables ready to put in his ass (condoms on the toys), but as I massaged his ass and anus he came pretty quickly. I love how when I keep massaging him afterwards he twitches several times. Before MasterDoc I hadn’t really known that the stimulation shouldn’t just end when the guy has ejaculated. Now I know better.
I hadn’t seen him for a few days and I’ve been so horny for him lately.
We were in bed, touching each other. I indulged my senses in the feel of his fingers along my body, in the scent of him, in the texture of his chest hair. I love the way my body reacts to his touch. He knows just where to touch me – non-errogenous zones – to work me up and arouse me. Massaging where hip meets thigh, firmly stroking my thighs, calves. We had some sort of hot porn on, but now, a few days later, I can’t recall what it was.
He fucked me doggy style. I bucked my hips back to meet him and started moaning from the stroking of his cock inside me. We fucked for a while, and I didn’t orgasm although if he had given permission I could have. Despite this I was still pretty damned happy. Which is saying a lot for a goal-oriented slut like myself.
As he lies next to me, he takes my right nipple into his mouth and sucks on it hard. His tongue toys with the areola and he uses suction to pick my breast up away from my supine body. I gasp and roll my hips as he does this. I run my fingers through his wavy hair.
At this point I was totally lusting after him. I was hungry for his touch, his caresses. I twined my fingers in his chest hair and ran my hands down his body. I massaged his inner thighs and he told me how good that felt.
After languorously playing with my nipple, he went back to playing my body like an instrument. I stroked my slick clit as he teased me and told me dirty things. I came hard with my fingers on my clit, but it was his talk and touch that made the orgasm really happen. I came two or three times that evening – without fucking. He clasped my throat at one point and I wasn’t sure if I loved or feared the fuzziness that came over my vision.
We fucked again later and he let me use the magic wand on my clit. I love feeling the buzz on my clit while I feel his thick cock fill me up. I fuck him frantically trying to control how fast he thrusts in and out of me. He ultimately controls it, however, no matter how hard I try. I come, and come, and come when he gives me the word.
It seemed like we were pretty much over playing but I was still lusting hard. I licked and kissed his chest, stroking him all over. I played with his inner thigh and the lower portions of his ass. I know this feels good to him. He tugged at his cock until ready to come. In the meanwhile I positioned my mouth nearby and licked my lips, hungrily longing for his come in my mouth. I kept eagerly springing forward in the hopes that he was ready to spurt. I looked like those women in porn films that are open mouthed and licking their lips in lust over some guys’ cock. I thought it seemed a bit overdone when I’ve seen it in porn but perhaps I just hadn’t had the right guy in front of me before. I wanted his cock in my mouth.
He came in my mouth and I sucked on it while holding the come. Instead of his usual request for me to dribble out his come he had me spit into a glass. He threatened to have me drink it but thankfully saved me from it… that night. He keeps talking about me snowballing with DeeDee.
Later he wanted to come again – something that pretty much never happens. I was getting tired by this time, but I did as Sir told me and got pillows so I could kneel on the floor and play with his cock as he reclined on the couch. He came into my mouth again. There wasn’t much come this time, but I was glad that he was satisfied. I went to bed with a smile on my face.
Lately, with DeeDee being MasterDoc’s submissive and Stacina being a playmate, I get to enjoy seeing him Dom other women. It’s a lot of fun even to watch. Last night, while I was in bed submitting to him (collar on) he was also he was teasingly trying to mindfuck Stacina a little via text message on his phone. He had come up with an activity for next week when we see her, and he was teasing her about it by not telling her what it is. Her curiosity was met with more teasing. It was hot to witness. (And hey, she was complicit in teasing me weeks back when she and MasterDoc talked online while I waited for his attention.)
He put his phone down for a while, and had me turn onto my stomach. He used the riding crop and the wooden paddle on my ass and thighs. I had cringed when he told me to get out the wooden paddle, as it’s harsher than the leather one. I was in a good mindset though, and I found the spanking to be highly erotic, as it gradually got more intense. The sensation wasn’t painful for much of it, but when it did get painful I was totally turned on by the idea that wow, this man has such power over me that I will let him hurt me. Sometimes impact play is about the sensation and endorphin rush that ensues, but other times it’s about the submission. It’s about doing something to give him pleasure. Only recently have I started to be able to believe that his yin to my yang is really possible, i.e., he derives pleasure from the pain he gives me just as I derive pleasure from receiving it. I’ve always understood masochism, but not being especially sadistic I had a harder time truly believing that nice people could gain pleasure from my (or others’) suffering. But somehow lately it’s clicked for me that it’s hot on both ends (and not just something nice the Dom does for the sub), and I find myself turned on even more knowing that I’m giving him pleasure by my submission and letting him do with me as he wishes.
I was smart and had plugged in the Hitachi magic wand beforehand, and he said, “You’re learning!” as he grabbed it to use on me. He teased my clit, moved the wand around my nether lips and had me writhing. I kept trying to get my clit against the vibrations and press it harder when it was there. He used the paddle on me some more, and then resumed teasing my clit. I thought to myself that it must be such a turn on to see a woman writhing and moaning desperately under your hands. At that moment I was so wanton and slutty that I wouldn’t hold back my cunt’s yearning one bit. He gave me more crop on my ass and the back of my thighs.
I kept moaning and writhing, straining to rub my clit against the vibrating wand. He held me on verge of coming. My mouth was slack and open and I just kept moaning and moaning.
He stopped short of letting me come. He had me turn over. He takes the wooden paddle to my tits and inner thighs. He slaps my pussy and then grabs the crop to use on me as well. He takes up the vibrator again and teases me some more. Then he lubes up the Ella dildo (review coming soon) and slides it into my pussy. He takes it out, puts more lube on, and asks if it’s well lubed. He fucks me with it slowly, then quickly. He moved the head of the dildo around my cunt. He pressed it into my g-spot – which was ultimately what pushed me over the edge. He told me to come, and I came super hard as he fucked me with it. He kept me coming and coming despite the fact that after a while I was gasping for air. I didn’t think I could come any more but he kept stimulating me and I kept coming. He relaxed for a brief moment, then placed the magic wand on clit. Immediately I came again intensely. I squirted a puddle under me. The orgasms were fucking amazing.
After I’ve recovered, he has me put on porn. I found some sex swing porn online and he had me get up on hands and knees to fuck me. As I was so aroused from earlier, the fucking was made up of more wonderfulness and hanging on the edge of orgasm. He fucks me a long time and finally I break down and ask permission to come. He made me beg for it, which was even hotter. “Please Sir, may I come? Oh please, please. I want to come Sir, please!” He must have been satisfied with my begging as he let me come, and again he kept forcing the orgasms out of me until I collapsed on the bed.
This entry was started last weekend – twice. I fell into a deep depression on Saturday and I’ve taken my time figuring out how much about it I want to share.
I’m leaving out the many bits that added up and led to this but I ended up crying hysterically (yes, truly hysterically. I was gasping for air because I was crying so hard) at MasterDoc’s and being totally contrary, depressed and angry for the better part of the day. Bless MasterDoc’s patience. He did all he could to try to shake me out of it but I was unshakable for much of the day. He tried caning, which just pissed me off. *chuckle* He tried a firm hand, taking control, telling me to get my collar and get up and do some chores. That didn’t work. I was so weighted down with depression that I couldn’t move. I really couldn’t move. And when I finally got up to go use the bathroom I struggled to get to my feet and amble down the hall. It was a feeling much like when you’re heavily sick with flu and you feel like you’re moving through molasses.
But he kept at it, kept talking to me. Kept trying to reason with me through my tears. (He’s nothing if not a reasonable, rational man.) Eventually the core was reached – I don’t think I’m worthy of being loved. All the rest is window dressing for this one core truth. Sure there are times when I’m not depressed when I feel worthwhile, but depression makes me feel utterly useless and unlovable. I’ve struggled with this since late childhood.
Sometimes via writing this blog I get people telling me I’m sexy, exciting, wonderful, attractive, etc. At those times the little low self-esteem voice in my head quotes the following bit from a Neil Finn song, Truth:
“They have showered me with riches /and they say that I am worthy of their love and their attention/ but they still don’t know the truth.”
I figure why believe someone who only knows me through the blog? Even though I am extremely candid here someone still can’t know me entirely with all my foibles and full-on flaws. I can’t accept compliments. Not really. I grew up thinking that if I felt good about myself then I was being egotistical and that I should always know my flaws and work on them. (Maybe this is a residual Catholic thing?) When I started coming out of the depression on Saturday, started being more reasonable at least, MasterDoc listed a bunch of things he likes about me; and I didn’t recognize the person he described. I didn’t think it could be me. But at the same time it felt so good to be told I’m loved and wanted.
As I was slowly recovering emotionally, I had a revelation. I finally understood age play. I had always been among the camp of “that makes me really uncomfortable but I won’t interfere with two consenting adults playing how they want to play.” But jeez, Saturday night I wanted nothing more than to be taken care of like a little child. I wanted to abdicate all responsibility. I wanted to be told when to brush my teeth and go to bed. I wanted to be held and petted and told I’m loved. It was a struggle for me to do tasks MasterDoc asked me to do, having any responsibility felt like too much for me to handle. I really felt like I needed to be taken care of. I did get petting from MasterDoc and told that I’m loved, but I didn’t get the full level of being controlled and taken care of. Oh well. That’s not what our relationship is like.
By the next day I was feeling calmer and no longer suicidal. I’ve struggled with dips into depression this week but have ultimately ended the week on a stable note. Wednesday night, while MasterDoc caned me, he made me repeat after him, “I am incredibly lovable.” He made me say it a few times and made me promise that I would remember that. We talked a little about how I came to feel this way when I was young, and having a mother who was moody and wildly unpredictable had a lot to do with it – i.e., one day I’d say “good morning” and she’d be loving and we’d bake cookies, but another morning I’d say the same exact thing in the same exact way and she’d bite my head off. As MasterDoc and I talked, he asked if I had ever tried to diagnose my mother. (I have an educational background in psychology.) I haven’t really, but immediately I said that she must suffer from depression like I do. And MasterDoc wondered aloud if I ever realized that these issues were my mother’s own or if I internalized them and blamed myself. And you know, until last night, at age 37, I never had the thought that these issues were my mother’s, and not my fault. I blamed myself from a young age. I thought that I made her mad or sad.
Somehow, I forget how, he came up with the idea of a time out next time I snap at him – time facing the corner to cool down and think. I think it’s interesting how a lot of what I’m getting out of our relationship in recent weeks is sorta parenting my inner child on things I missed out on when I actually was a child. I don’t doubt that my submission has some roots in wanting to be loved and pleasing. I think it could be really healing to try to please someone who is capable of being pleased for a change.
MasterDoc continued to say wonderful things to me all evening, working on bolstering my self-esteem. I’m trying to figure out how to accept the compliments. He feels a little offended that, in a way, I should think so little of his opinion of me as to not believe it. But it’s not that his opinion is off, it’s that I just can’t think about myself rationally sometimes.
We did eventually have sex, and while I came hard as always (rowr!) I was slow to warm up by that time as he bounced between watching porn on the computer and watching basketball on tv. I had been ready for fooling around after the caning but the sex didn’t come til much later. I didn’t complain, and he pointed out that I’m patient. He fucked me, and the ensuing hard orgasm helped my already improving mood. As we watched an assfucking porn afterward, I told him that it made me want to be fucked up the ass. And yes, he fucked me up the ass then. Very hot. I lay back after each fucking and felt utterly content.
He jerked off to come, and came in my mouth again. I sucked his cock while holding the come in my mouth and gleefully dribbled it out when he told me to. I think this is my current fetish. I hope that he’ll have me rub it over my breasts or something next time.
So as I head into the new year, I seem to be dealing with a bout of depression. Hopefully I will manage to work through it like I always have in the past. Having a loving Dom will certainly help. Having a loving Davey will help too, but I think part of me needs a bit of a challenge when it comes to being loved. I feel like I need to earn it, and Davey loves me virtually unconditionally. Not that MasterDoc doesn’t, but he criticizes constructively and gets me working on improving. I think I need to prove to myself that I have earned the love I receive.
I receive a lot of compliments on this blog, and I appreciate them all. I put in the time and effort to write it. But I want to point out that the blog would be very, very different without MasterDoc. He comes up with the things we do, and it’s his deviant mind that provides the tales I relate here.
This reminds me of one of his favorite stories. Apparently he was out at a bdsm club years ago with his lady at the time. He did all sorts of hot, kinky shit to her and after, a guy comes over to her and says, “Wow, that was really hot!”
MasterDoc says to him, “Excuse me, but when you go to a magic show, do you compliment the wand?”
It’s time I pointed out the magician behind the magic here.
I can hear him now, “Aw babe, you didn’t have to do that.” But I’m sure at the same time he’ll be thrilled.
I’ve been feeling really subby the past day or so. While my insecurities scream from the back of my mind as usual, the sub in me has felt happy for MasterDoc to have fun with others when I’ve not been around. Being poly makes him happy. And I like seeing him happy. Perhaps I will manage to internalize this yet.
He had over our friend V. and our new kinky friend, Stacina, while I was at work yesterday. I certainly would have loved to be there to see V. fuck Stacina with a strap on than be at work. It sounded like it was hot. MasterDoc was then going to spend the remaining time fucking our new friend after V. had to go home but her back went out. Ever the gentleman, he set her up on the heating pad and took care of her. Of course, when I got to his place after work last night he was feeling a bit sexually frustrated. I was quite happy to be there to help him deal with the frustration.
Last night any little thing MasterDoc did that exhibited authority turned me on. When we got cozy in bed, he looked at my wishing box even though I haven’t added anything lately. (I did later that night however.) I told him that I couldn’t come up with new things to add, and he pointed out that it’s not just new things that go in there, but things that I wish we were doing more. Ah! I will keep that in mind. He read through each piece of paper and I realized that I couldn’t quite remember what was in there.
We watched some porn laying against each other, my back to his tummy and we both stroked ourselves. He reached over me and grabbed the magic wand, turned it on, and pressed it against my clit. I was so horny instantly and soon after he started he said that I can come as much as I like for the next minute.
I lost control completely as always. I squirted a little. I came over and over, being tossed like a ship on a stormy sea from one peak to the next. I can’t imagine what I look like at those moments. All I’m aware of is my entire body being gripped by orgasm. Body, brain, soul. He pulled the wand away after one minute.
I lay there recovering. And I remembered the all important, “Thank you, Sir,” in the aftermath of the orgasm he gave me.
He had me put the wedge under him and get on top but his cock wasn’t quite ready. Instead we cuddled and I stroked his cock. He talked dirty to me, taking control of the situation. He asks if I want to feel his cock inside me. Breathlessly I say, “Yes, Sir.” I moan a little and press my body against his. His cock is completely hard now and he decides on a change of plans – he has me get on hands and knees.
He fucked me while watching porn. While this was going on, I thought about how hot it is to be fucked while being somewhat objectified – for him to enjoy me while his attention is on the porn and I’m just there to plunge his dick into. I moan like crazy and could come at any second. After a good long fuck, he pulls out. He tells me: “Come” and I orgasm while he slaps my cunt. The come squirts out and splatters as he slaps. I come so hard that I start to worry I might pass out. My awareness goes hazy, it kinda fades in and out with the alternation of my breathing and holding breath. I keep saying this lately (at least to myself if not here), “I’ve never come this hard before!” like every time is even better than the last. I squirted again while coming.
After I’ve recovered, he says he wants to come, and I think that means I’ll be behind him playing with ass like most times. He says no, that I will help from in front. I focus in on his cock as he strokes it and I massage his ass and thighs. I become almost mesmerized watching him up close. When he’s nearly ready to come, he has me put my mouth over his cock and I feel the head in between my lips. He comes and I feel it spurting out of his cock and onto my tongue. A few quick spurts and I can feel the come resting on my tongue. He has me hold the come and his cock in my mouth for a while. He tells me to suck and more drops come out of his cock into my come-filled mouth.
I show him the cum in my mouth and he tells me to let it dribble out. It dribbles out too fast at first but I still had some in my mouth and did it more slowly the second time. He liked watching the come dribble out of my mouth. I liked being the dirty whore who held his come in my mouth and drooled it all over after. I later added to the box that I want to have him come in my mouth more often, that I want to be made to play with his come. I enjoyed that so much I was smiling like the Cheshire cat after.
RT @Unchaste_Athene: Addendum: Also stop kissing people, because that is far more likely to give you HSV-1. 14 hrs ago
RT @Unchaste_Athene: Dear potential lovers:Unless you have a recent test saying you are HSV1-free, you have no right to be paranoid about me 14 hrs ago
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