diet « Diary of a Kinky Librarian

Considering I haven’t had sex in days, this will be another non-sexual post. But I felt so triumphant earlier that I just have to share.

When I stepped on the Wii balance board tonight to weigh myself, I got to hear the little cartoony voice say, “That’s normal!” for the first time. Now, it’s referring to BMI which I realize is a terribly imperfect measure for individual weight loss. But the fact that I started off in the obese range about a year and a half ago, this feels like such a triumph. I went from a BMI of over 30, to one that’s 24.95. Just barely in the “normal” range, but this is the first time in my adult life I’ve been anywhere near there.

If you had asked me at the outset of this weight loss/lifestyle change if I would reach “normal” and be able to fit into some size 12 items of clothing, and weigh less than 170 lbs. I would have thought it was a lovely dream, but one I would never reach. I’ve reached it. (I’m taller than average, by the way. And I started this journey at a peak weight of 227 lbs.) Holy moly. Now I’m focusing on maintaining my eating habits and keeping up with exercise. I’ll probably lose a little more weight but that’s not my focus now. I’ve actually lost only about 5 lbs. this year, but the exercise is changing how my body looks.

After the weigh in, I switched discs to EA Sports Active, because I’ve been pushing myself with those workouts lately. The change in what I’m capable of doing is amazing. When I first tried it about two years ago, doing one squat was difficult. Now, I’ve set my squats to “hard” (which means it makes me do more of them. Twenty, I think.). My ass hurts, but I suppose it’s the hurt of a future non-flabby ass. I couldn’t do the lunges before without leaning on something for support. Now I can do it just like the animated figure on the screen. I can do the easy runs now, and hopefully I’ll work my way up to the longer ones. My asthmatic lungs need the workout.

Unfortunately this joy is always tempered by the perpetual body issues most women have in this culture of ours. I’m no different. I’m thrilled to be wearing smaller clothes, weighing less, getting compliments on my weight loss, feeling healthier. But I’m also angsty over my now flat and saggy breasts. (They were just saggy before. Hey, at DD cup you can’t help that. Now I’m a D in some bras, still DD in a few.) I hate the extra skin that I’m told could take up to 2 years to tighten up to match my new, thinner body. I love how my arms have started developing some visible muscle, but I still hate the under arm flab – even if it is much smaller than before.

I wish that as a feminist I truly didn’t care about looks. But I still do to a certain extent. Strangely enough I felt more comfortable being naked at a swing club when I was heavier. I suppose that’s because I had come to accept my body. I also think the loose skin is more unattractive than being fat. I remind myself that will change. Be patient. I didn’t lose all that weight at once, and my skin (largest organ of the human body!) will take some time to adjust to such a dramatic change.

But I will savor that moment when the Wii fit told me I was “normal” and I shouted to MasterDoc to come look. I’ve been hovering on that threshold for a while now, and it was awesome to go over it.

I got the opportunity to spend some time with MasterDoc yesterday. I went over to his place with the mindset of getting him off, as I knew his back was bothering him and he wasn’t up to much else. I was looking forward to it, after all my period started that morning so I wasn’t feeling especially horny. (First couple of days I’m not usually that horny. I feel kinda crampy and gross and cups are more likely to leak those first heavy days.) I must really be a sub since I was really looking forward to taking care of his needs and that was going to be satisfying in and of itself.

We ended up going out to breakfast at IHOP with his roomate Liz. That breakfast was enough to hold me until dinner. (Yes, indeed Master and sub do normal things like go out to IHOP. I often like those simple things as much as I like the sex. Hm, ok maybe not. lol But I appreciate non-sexual time spent with him as well.)

Good thing I indulged myself at breakfast, because following that MasterDoc gave me what, up to this point, is probably the most difficult directive he’s ever given me. He’s decided that we’re going to lose weight, and we’re going to do it together. As he’ll lose three pounds for every two I lose his weight loss will depend on me. (I should lose slowly and healthily of course.) He’s concerned about his health, and I have to admit that making this about his health, well-being and longevity has really put the pressure on. Of course I want to have him healthy and around for as long as possible. Heck, I want to be healthier than I am now, but my own health was never been enough of a motivation. I’m lazy, I hate exercise, I’m out of shape which just makes exercise all that more difficult, I love to eat. All these are things I’m going to have to overcome. I’m really afraid of failure. My entire adult life I’ve gone through periods where I tried to lose weight and I’ve never been particularly successful. (I did lose about 20 pounds back in college. But god that was ages ago. And I didn’t have being 35 and on anti-depressants working against me (slower metabolism). On the other hand, maybe I’ll manage this time because there’s someone other than me to let down if I fail. My issues with food and exercise are deeply ingrained alongside a small dose of residual self-loathing. I told MasterDoc that I think it would be easier to have him piss in my mouth. lol And that’s something I really don’t want to do. Licking his ass was easier than this – this is so all encompassing, it’s not just about several minutes in time. It’s changing my life patterns. I’m on day two of my period and between the cramps and trying to watch my eating I’m a cranky camper.

This too shall pass.

I’m sure you’d all much rather read about how he fucked me after all, but I feel like blathering on about the weight loss thing.