Archive for the 'depression' Category

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Ass Fucked Slut

Published on April 25, 2010 in anal, bdsm, blow jobs, cunt, D/s, depression, embarrassment, humiliation play, kink, masochism, masturbation, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, sadism, sex, sex toys, shio, slut, squirting, Uncategorized and wartenburg wheel. 0 Comments

The terrible mood swings went on up through last night. The “crimson tide” has come in so today I’m feeling much more stable. Except for the time when I got hypoglycemic. Oh well, there’s always something.

I got to spend some special alone time with MasterDoc last night. As we sat on the sofa, he started in on some sort of mind fuck. The problem is I can’t recall today what it was – some sort of threat of something that is scary but perhaps also erotic, or at least him making me do it is erotic in and of itself. I wish I could remember the specifics but all I remember ultimately is getting hot and melting into submissiveness just from his words.

He had me set up the bedroom for our interlude. As usual the Fascinator throe was put down on the bed. Lube, condoms, a butt toy and a vibe were made handy. I added the Wartenburg wheel. I brought his laptop in and set it up on the bed with some porn on it.

He told me to finish watching the tv show I had been watching, and when the last fifteen minutes were up I went into the bedroom. He told me to take the lube, reach back and lube up my ass. As I did this, hands working behind me, standing at the foot of the bed, he watched me and commented that it was hot thinking about exactly what I was doing. I felt embarrassment and looked down. When I was done, he sent me to wash my hands of the extra lube.

He had me get on hands and knees as soon as I returned, and he fucked my ass without any physical foreplay. It’s funny because sometimes I need a good warm up, but last night was so hot. I loved that he just shoved his cock inside my lubed up ass and fucked the hell out of me. The idea that I was his slut, his dirty whore who was enjoying him fucking me up the ass, turned me on so much. I’m pretty sure I muttered, “I love being your slut!” at one point. I was turned on by the idea of him using my body for his own pleasure. He fucked me long and hard. I was moaning and on the verge of orgasm for ages. Even though his cock was in my ass I could feel the sensations in my cunt. He ran the Wartenburg wheel over my ass and back, pressing the points into my ass. He grabbed my hips, and was generally rough with me. I held out as long as I could before begging for permission to come. He let me come and he continued to fuck me as I shuddered and screamed. (I feel bad for his neighbors. We really need to use gags more.) He wrung every last orgasm out of my body. His cock has been extra hard for extra long recently (I will perhaps someday explain why) and my clenching pelvic muscles aren’t such a formidable force against his cock these days. I do still push his cock out involuntarily sometimes, but it doesn’t happen as quickly or easily as before.

We took a break and I was exhausted from the phenomenal ass fucking. Unfortunately my hormones were still wreaking havoc on me and I hit a mood swing and started crying. Of course MasterDoc was a bit bewildered that after such great sex and orgasms I could feel depressed, but it was really just down to some sort of biochemical mood swing.

We rested for a bit and snacked on sorbet and fruit salad. My mood was back up again and I tried to eat slowly, savoring the feeling of the creamy sorbet on my tongue. At some point he said he needed to pee, but just a little bit, and he considered pissing in my mouth right there on the bed, and making me swallow it down. I cringed and curled up, putting my head down, hoping so hard that he was just fucking with me. This time he was.

I was hoping we’d fuck more, and it seemed a bit iffy at one point. Because of my moodiness I perceived that since DeeDee moved in with him he gives me much shorter and less involved scenes. We talked about it though, and it’s probably a bit of my mis-perception, and a bit of just the usual ebb and flow (that would have happened regardless of DeeDee living here). He says he’ll keep an eye on things in the future, but two weeks is a really short period of time to interpret things as changing long term. I do worry that with two women around so much now that getting as much sex from him might be difficult.

We cuddled a bit, and he had me suck his cock after I had had enough cuddles. I got really into it and he seemed just huge last night and very hard. He picked up the magic wand and held it to my clit while I sucked. I was soon humping the wand as best I could and he had me put a condom on him and get on top. I was so horny and turned on that I pushed through a little physical fatigue to ride him a good long time. He thrust up into me, making me sigh and gasp as he did. He grabbed parts of my body to enhance the experience – gentle nipple pinching, massaging my hip joints. He got me really worked up until I came, and came, and came. I squirted all over him, and unfortunately the throe had shifted through the evening and I squirted a bit on the bed as well. His cock stayed hard for a long time and I kept coming. As I came he slapped my ass at one point but damn, somehow it hurt too much and distracted me. I had to beg him to stop spanking me. My ass stung for a few moments afterward.

He made me come again and this time my vagina of steel pushed his cock out. By this time his balls were soaked in my come, and I was exhausted, but very, very happy.

Despite the mood swings I was still dealing with, we had a fantastic evening together.

MasterDoc’s PMDD Cure

Published on April 21, 2010 in anal, bdsm, D/s, depression, humiliation play, kink, masochism, nipple clamps, orgasm on command, sex, sex toys, shio, squirting, Uncategorized and wartenburg wheel. 1 Comment

I’ve spent the past two evenings with MasterDoc, and the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Late Monday afternoon at work my mood dropped considerably and my premenstrual bout of depression had begun.

I found myself withdrawn when I met up with DeeDee and MD at his place. The three of us were supposed to hang out together that night, whereas Tuesday night was to be my night alone with him. I felt terrific guilt at being so down and feeling unstable. I had fears that DeeDee might think I was malingering to get attention. And while I did need attention, it wasn’t from faking but from a genuine mood issue.

But both DeeDee and MasterDoc were really kind that night. They didn’t push me to do my usual things (DeeDee cooks, I clean up lately) and MasterDoc gave me time alone. We tried out my new Gigi (the vibrator I have lusted after for over a year!) that I won from Babeland. I will review it shortly. I loved the new toy and MasterDoc made me come hard over and over. He wrung every possible orgasm out of my body. But while I felt amazing immediately after, my depression still lurked and I found myself crying out of frustration and sadness. I needed cuddles as much as I needed orgasms.

Last night, I was handling myself a little better although I still felt depressed. While cuddling on the couch, MasterDoc had a revelation – while orgasms and beatings do help my mood, it’s more likely that I need the intimacy when I’m feeling down. I think he’s on to something there.

When it came time for sex, he had me set up the electrosex box, the usual items (condoms, lube), my new Gigi and the plastic clips from the kitchen (small plastic clothespins used to keep bags closed). I took the liberty of adding the wartenburg wheel. I tried out the clothespins on my nipples when I went to the kitchen to get them. My nipples are more sensitive what with my period coming any day now, and I was pretty terrified of him using them on me.

Later in the evening he did use them, first to clip the skin of my upper breasts. This hurt, but I was sufficiently in subspace by that time that it felt amazing for him to hurt me. I wanted him to hurt me. I wanted to suffer by his hand. He ultimately decided to progress to putting them on my nipples, and to my surprise I enjoyed the pain. I have a light bruise on my right breast, I’m not sure if it’s from the clothespins or if he bit me at some point.

My recollections are a bit hazy. I can recall what we did, but not in what order things happened. He fucked me from behind, and the whole time I fantasized about him fucking me up the ass. His cock stayed rock hard even when I came and this was just amazing to feel – his cock still hard, still inside me. I went all feral and pushed myself back onto him while stroking my swollen and wet pussy. As I came, my hand became covered in my juices. I squirted a hell of a lot last night.

I collapsed when he told me to, and a short while later I shared my fantasy of him fucking my ass. Much to my happiness, he decided to do that. He had me use the Gigi on my clit first and then wanted me to put it inside of my vagina – not only for my own pleasure, but he wanted me to rub the vibration against the membrane between my vagina and rectum so he could feel it on his cock. I was totally into being fucked up the ass, but unfortunately trying to get the vibe in my pussy from that angle was hopeless. That kinda drew things to a close. But while he was fucking me, I loved how he dug his fingers into my ass, or stroked my back, or pulled my hair. I nearly forgot – he also ran the wartenburg wheel over me.

I felt much better after all that. And of course I’m not the only one who got to come. MasterDoc came on my face – not in my mouth. My chin and lips were glazed with his come, which I left there until he told me I could clean it off. (Guys don’t necessarily appreciate a woman going, “Eww!” and wiping off their come at the first possible second.) I slept well last night and the good feelings lingered on through much of today. Hormones fucked with me some more this afternoon, but I’m just eagerly waiting on my period at this point.

One last tidbit, after fucking my ass, he made me lick around the base of his cock to make sure it would be clean in case he fucked my pussy again. I somehow managed to desensitize myself to the ick factor of ass stuff being on his cock. I suppose it was easier to handle than actual ass-to-mouth.

The Man with the Sybian

Published on April 17, 2010 in bdsm, blow jobs, caning, D/s, DeeDee, depression, emotions, exhibitionism, flogging, kink, masochism, masturbation, orgasm on command, sex parties, sex toys, shio, spanking, squirting and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Last night I went out to a party with MasterDoc and DeeDee. She’s now staying with MasterDoc until she gets herself settled in New York, so we’ll get to hang out more often.

I was feeling blue and moody, thanks to the usual premenstrual issues, but I was at least able to control my feelings this time, and realize that they were hormonal rather than real issues. It was wonderful that DeeDee noticed I was out of sorts and she asked what she could do or not to that evening to help – this is why we’re friends. Just hearing that helped de-grumpify me a little bit.

We went out in the pouring rain because MasterDoc was bringing the sybian to this party, so he had an obligation to show up. I found early in the evening that I needed cuddles more than anything else, and DeeDee and I sat on either side of him on a sofa for a while after we arrived at the party. The cuddles definitely helped me. I was fortunate since MasterDoc and DeeDee had had sexual and bdsm fun in the afternoon, so he focused on me a little more which I really needed last night.

The party started really slowly. It seemed the singletons showed up early so no one was playing. I felt like we were beyond the kink level of the attendees, but later when things started picking up and more couples arrived, I found that while we were decidedly more sexual than most, the others there were pretty damn kinky. I went down on MasterDoc for a while (despite the slight discomfort from bending over in my waist cincher) and DeeDee took a turn after.

MasterDoc knows that spanking, coupled with orgasms, usually helps my mood a great deal. So he had me kneel on the sofa, facing the back and take my pants down. He spanked and flogged me for a while and it helped my asocial mood to be able to close my eyes and just focus on the beating. He soon had DeeDee kneel on the sofa next to me, and he took turns flogging, spanking and caning us both. It was strange to hear two blows but not feel anything (when he hit DeeDee) and then suddenly the next two blows hit my ass. He gave us vibes to play with and made us work ourselves up. It’s funny because both DeeDee and I felt kinda like it was somehow not okay to be so sexual when no one else was doing anything. But still, regardless of anxiety, MasterDoc’s voice telling us to come made us come at once. I was afraid to squirt on my pants that were down around my knees, so I held back a little, but I did come. The orgasms were kinda like skipping stones across a pond – not deep but repetitive.

MasterDoc gave me the first sybian ride of the evening, and the orgasms did me a world of good. If you ever get a chance to watch a woman on a sybian, please do. It is amazing how hard a woman can come – and now much! – when riding that amazing vibrator. My orgasms were insane – I kept coming over and over. Grabbing blindly at MasterDoc and coming uncontrollably. I squirted a couple of times and had to clean up afterwards. He kept pushing me until I was too exhausted to come any more. I lay down on the couch after and was happy when I could rest my head on MasterDoc’s lap. MasterDoc’s pms cure had worked again!

DeeDee is exploring her switchiness and she got to talking to a submissive man at the party. He seemed nice. Not entirely her type but at least he put service before his own kinky desires – quite refreshing compared to the guys DeeDee has met on collar me. He gave DeeDee a foot rub, and she kindly got him to give me one after. Ah it was wonderful. I may not be at all dominant, but I do appreciate a good foot rub. He did it as long as either of us wanted him to. He also bought DeeDee a soda when she asked, and later he helped her out of her panties when she went to ride the sybian and he held them during her ride – I’m sure that was an exciting bit of the night for him.

MasterDoc got another taker for the sybian and he gave a ride to another lady while her man held her up, and held her arms behind her back (oooh, restraint during intense orgasms! Me want!). DeeDee and I sat with the submissive man and discussed the progression that goes on during a sybian ride. It starts of seeming like nothing much, soon the woman is bucking her hips and riding the machine. Then it keeps intensifying and after a variable period of time she comes. Screaming orgasms. It may back off a little – partly because the body needs a break and partly because MasterDoc will turn down the vibrations a bit, but when he turns them back up another amazing orgasm is wrenched from her body. It is amazing and hot to watch. I think it’s even more so when you’ve been on a sybian yourself and you know the stages and how it feels.

The party host had a lady of his get a ride and didn’t let her come. Meanie! DeeDee and I were appalled and so thankful that MasterDoc isn’t into prolonged orgasm denial. Neither of us would be able to handle it. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to do, just not something that makes any sense whatsoever for me.

DeeDee wanted a sybian ride, so when MasterDoc looked around for more victims, er, volunteers I pointed to DeeDee to get his attention. Like I said earlier, the sub guy held her panties and while he fiddled with them a little he didn’t do anything creepy with them. It’s a shame he’s not more DeeDee’s type since he was quite nice, but I can see that a relationship wouldn’t really work with them. They’re not on the same page otherwise. DeeDee is really smart and educated, and she needs a man who can stimulate her intellectually.

MasterDoc hadn’t slept well the night before, and he decided to lay down on the couch and take a nap. He looked so cute sleeping there. There are times when you can still see the little boy inside the man and it’s incredibly endearing. DeeDee and I talked while MasterDoc napped.

Leaving was difficult since the party host wanted the sybian to stay around as long as possible, but I had worked that day and was pretty damn tired by 2 a.m. We were all ready to go home so we managed to say our goodbyes. The submissive guy happily carried the sybian out for us while MasterDoc pulled the car around.

I was in a much better mood after last night, and today, while I’m still feeling moody, I feel in relative control over myself. This is a good thing. MasterDoc had to go out in the morning for a while, and DeeDee and I just talked and talked for a few hours. As I tweeted at that time, life is good.

Pain and Healing

Published on March 4, 2010 in anxiety, bdsm, D/s, depression, emotions, happy, kink, masochism, needle play, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, pillow princess, sex toys, shio, squirting, Uncategorized and wartenburg wheel. 3 Comments

For my twitter followers, it’s no news that I’ve been dealing with some severe PMS lately (may even be PMDD). The week before my period I experience mood swings, depression, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, fatigue, increased appetite, and considering I suffer from clinical depression already, this turns into one roller coaster of a hellish week for me and many of those around me. However, MasterDoc has been working with me to try to figure out ways we can head it off or treat it in some way. The obvious answer is that I should go to my gynecologist and possibly be put on hormonal birth control. But beyond that, there’s something we can do to diminish the effects of PMS – BDSM. (It takes an acronym to fight an acronym.)

I put in a special request for him to use the new Wartenberg wheel I purchased recently, and needles as well. I could tell I needed something even more endorphin-triggering than a spanking. I also needed cuddles, which he administered right away when I got to his place.

I had never played with the wheel before – although sometime in my earlier life I’m sure it was used on me medically to test nerve reactions. He ran the wheel and its sharp pins over my naked body. The sensation made me jump and giggle. It felt like tickle, but also like pain and finally it sometimes felt like little electric shocks running over my body. It turned me on surprisingly well and fast. That intense melange of sensations immediately woke up my senses. I felt the insistent swell of my labia as I became aroused. I was surprised at how easily it worked for me, but as MasterDoc later pointed out he had taken the time to do a little foreplay before that. I don’t remember what came before, however, just what came after.

He slapped my inner thighs, always the most painful part of my body to have slapped. Being slapped on the pussy can hurt a great deal too, but I think the skin on my thighs is just too thin and sensitive. He took an alcohol swab, cleaned up an area of my inner thigh and took in the expression on my face when I realized he was going to stick me in such a sensitive spot. I was nervous. A little bit freaked out even. But he slid one needle into my thigh, and the pain lasted only a second while it penetrated the skin. Following the needle stick was an amazing endorphin rush. Everything around me faded away, and I could feel this “whoosh” of chemicals flood my body. It felt like I’d imagine shooting heroin to feel. It was like shooting up drugs, only there were no drugs on or going through the needle. It was purely a brand new hypodermic needle – no syringe – fresh out of the package. Fuck. It was amazing.

He did a second needle, which hurt a little more than the first, but it produced another rush. I think I’ve found a new favorite way to get an endorphin high.

With the needles in place, he pressed on them a little and I welcomed the slight pain. He used the magic wand on my clit and drove me completely fucking crazy. He pressed it hard into my clit, unrelenting for the most part (kinda like I tend to do when I use the wand on another woman). I moaned, partly with pleasure, partly with desperation to come. I was worried that he’d manage to make me come without me getting permission first. I finally gave in and begged when he dragged it out and he still didn’t tell me to come. After a little more teasing, he gave me permission. The endorphins already released through my body enhanced the orgasms I had. My eyes bugged out one moment as I gasped for air. The next minute they were shut tight as I blabbered some nonsensical noises and combinations of “oh god” and “oh fuck.” My right hand grabbed at MasterDoc’s back and his hair. He had me take the wand over, and he used my Ella dildo. He fucked me with it hard and I kept the wand on my clit. I came for what felt like 10 minutes. It probably wasn’t that long, but it seemed to go on forever. If all the women of the world could feel this way at least once a week we’d have a world full of happy women. Heck, once a month would be an improvement for many women. I was surprised how long he made me come, but with lessening my depression as a goal, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. After, I was wiped out and very, very satisfied. A puddle of come had accumulated under me.

I was also very happy. And the next day, and the day after, I wasn’t depressed any more. I still had some PMS symptoms to deal with, but damn, if that didn’t cure my depression.

I’m a very lucky girl.

MasterDoc’s depression cure works again!

Mood Swings

Published on February 16, 2010 in anxiety, bdsm, crazy, depression, derangement, edge play, emotions, kink, masochism, mental illness, sex, sex toys and stress. 5 Comments

It’s hard dealing with mental illness. I suffer from depression and when it hits it makes everything seem terrible and insurmountable. When it passes, I think, “How silly that I was THAT worked up.” In the meantime, I’ve quite possibly put MasterDoc or Davey through hell. Thankfully, they both love me and understand that I can’t really control the depression. Doesn’t make it any easier for them to deal with it though. It’s also not fun for me either.

Yesterday was one of those days. I seem to be having more of them than usual lately. I plan to talk to my shrink about medication, because perhaps the regimen I’ve been on for a few years now isn’t working as well.

In a fit of pique, I declared on twitter that I was giving up sex. I’m sure people reading that knew it wouldn’t stick. By the time the day was over I had sex with MasterDoc (entirely of my choosing) and orgasms helped settle me. We’re working on ways to help head off these bouts via beatings (endorphins help), medication, orgasms, and anything else that might help level off or lift my mood. Unfortunately I was a teary, angry mess yesterday before things could be headed off. When I started to gain perspective on the situation (“Oh, I see! This is depression speaking and making everything seem so irreparably terrible!”) cuddles helped a great deal. I cried a lot, started getting depressed about having been depressed (not to mention having been so harsh to MasterDoc). MasterDoc and I laughed about that a bit – the whole getting depressed because I get depressed. It’s silly I know, but I do feel terrible guilt for being difficult when I’m depressed.

I appreciate all the support from my twitter and facebook friends as I rode through the turmoil yesterday. It’s wonderful that people I don’t even really know will offer words of encouragement and support.

That’s why I didn’t get around to blogging about my Sunday evening in with MasterDoc. It was a bumpy night in a way – there was sex, a break, MasterDoc not really feeling like doing a lot but meanwhile I was craving a long night of hard, rough sex. (Been watching too much rough sex porn lately.) He decided that he wanted to come, and we played with ourselves while watching porn. He was going to come on me but the spurts didn’t quite make it to my hip that was laying beside him. I used the magic wand on myself and thankfully MasterDoc gave me a little of what I was craving then. Hand on throat, slapped thighs, I begged him to hurt me. The roughness made me come so much harder than I would have with the magic wand alone.

I can’t wait to try more rough stuff with him.

The Depression and Insecurity Struggle

Published on January 1, 2010 in anal, anger, anxiety, caning, crazy, D/s, depression, derangement, dom, emotions, mental illness, neurosis, sex and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

This entry was started last weekend – twice. I fell into a deep depression on Saturday and I’ve taken my time figuring out how much about it I want to share.

I’m leaving out the many bits that added up and led to this but I ended up crying hysterically (yes, truly hysterically. I was gasping for air because I was crying so hard) at MasterDoc’s and being totally contrary, depressed and angry for the better part of the day. Bless MasterDoc’s patience. He did all he could to try to shake me out of it but I was unshakable for much of the day. He tried caning, which just pissed me off. *chuckle* He tried a firm hand, taking control, telling me to get my collar and get up and do some chores. That didn’t work. I was so weighted down with depression that I couldn’t move. I really couldn’t move. And when I finally got up to go use the bathroom I struggled to get to my feet and amble down the hall. It was a feeling much like when you’re heavily sick with flu and you feel like you’re moving through molasses.

But he kept at it, kept talking to me. Kept trying to reason with me through my tears. (He’s nothing if not a reasonable, rational man.) Eventually the core was reached – I don’t think I’m worthy of being loved. All the rest is window dressing for this one core truth. Sure there are times when I’m not depressed when I feel worthwhile, but depression makes me feel utterly useless and unlovable. I’ve struggled with this since late childhood.

Sometimes via writing this blog I get people telling me I’m sexy, exciting, wonderful, attractive, etc. At those times the little low self-esteem voice in my head quotes the following bit from a Neil Finn song, Truth:

“They have showered me with riches /and they say that I am worthy of their love and their attention/ but they still don’t know the truth.”

I figure why believe someone who only knows me through the blog? Even though I am extremely candid here someone still can’t know me entirely with all my foibles and full-on flaws. I can’t accept compliments. Not really. I grew up thinking that if I felt good about myself then I was being egotistical and that I should always know my flaws and work on them. (Maybe this is a residual Catholic thing?) When I started coming out of the depression on Saturday, started being more reasonable at least, MasterDoc listed a bunch of things he likes about me; and I didn’t recognize the person he described. I didn’t think it could be me. But at the same time it felt so good to be told I’m loved and wanted.

As I was slowly recovering emotionally, I had a revelation. I finally understood age play. I had always been among the camp of “that makes me really uncomfortable but I won’t interfere with two consenting adults playing how they want to play.” But jeez, Saturday night I wanted nothing more than to be taken care of like a little child. I wanted to abdicate all responsibility. I wanted to be told when to brush my teeth and go to bed. I wanted to be held and petted and told I’m loved. It was a struggle for me to do tasks MasterDoc asked me to do, having any responsibility felt like too much for me to handle. I really felt like I needed to be taken care of. I did get petting from MasterDoc and told that I’m loved, but I didn’t get the full level of being controlled and taken care of. Oh well. That’s not what our relationship is like.

By the next day I was feeling calmer and no longer suicidal. I’ve struggled with dips into depression this week but have ultimately ended the week on a stable note. Wednesday night, while MasterDoc caned me, he made me repeat after him, “I am incredibly lovable.” He made me say it a few times and made me promise that I would remember that. We talked a little about how I came to feel this way when I was young, and having a mother who was moody and wildly unpredictable had a lot to do with it – i.e., one day I’d say “good morning” and she’d be loving and we’d bake cookies, but another morning I’d say the same exact thing in the same exact way and she’d bite my head off. As MasterDoc and I talked, he asked if I had ever tried to diagnose my mother. (I have an educational background in psychology.) I haven’t really, but immediately I said that she must suffer from depression like I do. And MasterDoc wondered aloud if I ever realized that these issues were my mother’s own or if I internalized them and blamed myself. And you know, until last night, at age 37, I never had the thought that these issues were my mother’s, and not my fault. I blamed myself from a young age. I thought that I made her mad or sad.

Somehow, I forget how, he came up with the idea of a time out next time I snap at him – time facing the corner to cool down and think. I think it’s interesting how a lot of what I’m getting out of our relationship in recent weeks is sorta parenting my inner child on things I missed out on when I actually was a child. I don’t doubt that my submission has some roots in wanting to be loved and pleasing. I think it could be really healing to try to please someone who is capable of being pleased for a change.

MasterDoc continued to say wonderful things to me all evening, working on bolstering my self-esteem. I’m trying to figure out how to accept the compliments. He feels a little offended that, in a way, I should think so little of his opinion of me as to not believe it. But it’s not that his opinion is off, it’s that I just can’t think about myself rationally sometimes.

We did eventually have sex, and while I came hard as always (rowr!) I was slow to warm up by that time as he bounced between watching porn on the computer and watching basketball on tv. I had been ready for fooling around after the caning but the sex didn’t come til much later. I didn’t complain, and he pointed out that I’m patient. He fucked me, and the ensuing hard orgasm helped my already improving mood. As we watched an assfucking porn afterward, I told him that it made me want to be fucked up the ass. And yes, he fucked me up the ass then. Very hot. I lay back after each fucking and felt utterly content.

He jerked off to come, and came in my mouth again. I sucked his cock while holding the come in my mouth and gleefully dribbled it out when he told me to. I think this is my current fetish. I hope that he’ll have me rub it over my breasts or something next time.

So as I head into the new year, I seem to be dealing with a bout of depression. Hopefully I will manage to work through it like I always have in the past. Having a loving Dom will certainly help. Having a loving Davey will help too, but I think part of me needs a bit of a challenge when it comes to being loved. I feel like I need to earn it, and Davey loves me virtually unconditionally. Not that MasterDoc doesn’t, but he criticizes constructively and gets me working on improving. I think I need to prove to myself that I have earned the love I receive.

Rape Culture and Triggers

Published on December 20, 2009 in anxiety, assault, consensual non-consent, depression, emotions, Feminism, rape, recovery, trauma and Uncategorized. 16 Comments

*trigger warning*

Earlier today, MasterDoc showed me something on fetlife that he thought was sick and twisted, but sorta funny. I won’t put it here since that would require me looking for it, and that would not be good for me to do. I cannot read it again. To sum up: it was a sp0of on “Twas the Night Before Christmas,” a rhyming tale of a man who chloroforms his wife, invites his girlfriend in to help him fuck his wife while she’s unconscious, (the wife comes in the story while she’s unconscious), he slips her a roofie when she starts to come to, films the entire thing, and then when she gets up in the morning and relates to him the “dream” she had, he tells her that wow, that sounds hot, wish I could have been there. Now, granted, different people read things differently. I had to point out to MasterDoc the fact that nowhere in there was any indication at all that this was consensual. No indication to the reader that this was a D/s relationship where consent has already been given for activities like this. Call me a stuffy old feminist assault survivor, but I don’t find rape funny. He had assumed consent, but when I pointed this out he read it again and agreed, there was no clear, or even implied consent. (And the whole bit about her coming during the assault is typical “women enjoy being raped” bullshit.)

I wasn’t inclined to post a comment myself, as I’ve seen too often that women will be dismissed as lacking a sense of humor for calling this shit out. But as a survivor of non-consensual sex I was really upset after reading this. I burst into tears while talking to MasterDoc about it. It’s an indication of the rape culture we live in that this is seen as humorous and acceptable by otherwise reasonable people. (Someone else we know posted a positive comment on this thread. Women posted positive comments on this thread.) MasterDoc decided to post a comment pointing out the problems with the post but the thread owner opted to delete it. He did, however, write to MasterDoc essentially explaining that he thinks that people on fetlife are all adults and able to look at a poem like that and appreciate that it’s not non-consensual. I disagree.

I wondered aloud if the following poem would have gotten the same level of appreciation: a woman chloroforms her husband without his consent, ties him up, invites in some guys to peg his ass while he’s unconscious, and then she lets him think that the whole experience was a dream (but meanwhile she’s filmed it). Would people find that as amusing? But you know, I don’t think that would ever be put out there as humor. I also think that most people are so conditioned by the rape culture that only other survivors would “get” the problem with it. (I worry that the scenario I just related would trigger a man who’s experienced sexual violence.)

The triggering for me was the way that raping the woman was treated like a big joke. When I was assaulted and wrote on my old blog about it, while most people were appalled at what happened one or two told me that I was blowing it out of proportion. They basically told me that I didn’t have the right to feel traumatized. That it wasn’t assault. The guy who did it to me tried to convince me that it was just an “accident.” While I did get support, the few people who dismissed my trauma as inconsequential did a tremendous amount of damage to me.

In all fairness, I don’t think there was any malice in the posting on fetlife. Not true malice. And MasterDoc felt terrible for showing it to me and said that he should have known better. I’m not at all mad at him as he had no intent of harming me. (Had he thought for a second that this post would upset me so, he would have never showed it to me.) I don’t think the author meant to convey a true non-consensual experience. After all, I can understand the fantasy of intoxication play – where one partner is heavily intoxicated, consensually, and the other person then has their way with them. Done consensually, I could find that really hot. Some people would still be triggered by this.

Driving home today, I started thinking that perhaps I was too sensitive about this. After all, the guy tells the wife that her story is so hot when she relates it to him; one would hope that if she was anything but enthusiastic about her “dream” he wouldn’t say that. But I don’t know – am I thinking this only because I’ve been conditioned as a woman not to cause shit? I’m not naive enough to think that the world is safe and that I shouldn’t ever come across something thoughtless and triggering. Shit happens. And what triggers me won’t trigger the next person, and vice versa. (Over on Shakesville this week there was an open thread about bdsm. I enjoyed reading the discussion concerning bdsm and feminism. But the moderator had to shut down the thread because she was triggered. And I think if she was triggered she totally did the right thing – took care of herself. Just because it didn’t trigger me doesn’t mean it can’t trigger someone else who has had different experiences.) But I do think that times like this are valuable moments to raise the consciousness of others.

Polyamory and Communication

Published on December 8, 2009 in anxiety, dating, DeeDee, depression, emotions, happy, poly and Uncategorized. 2 Comments

This post is long, and it’s not sexually oriented. But if you’re poly or interested in poly you may find the thoughts interesting.

When people talk about how important communication is to polyamorous relationships, I think most of us don’t quite realize what that entails. However, NOT communicating is the fastest way to ruin things. I have a hard time opening up, and that’s made things with MasterDoc sometimes more of a struggle than they should be. I’m thankful he’s patient with me and that he’s good at pulling things out of me. I don’t know that I realized when I started out as poly that the communication would have to extend sometimes to your partner’s other significant others.

Since MasterDoc started seeing DeeDee things have been a bit bumpy. It’s not a black and white thing, it’s not that she’s a problem. After all I like DeeDee a great deal and like spending time with her. I will chat with her online independent of MasterDoc. She has always been entirely respectful of the existing relationship between me and MasterDoc. But it does seem that when she’s around, I tend to get depressed and bothered about things. It’s not her fault, and the tough thing has been making sure that I let her know that.

We all have our insecurities and personally I have a closet full of them. An only child until I was nearly 11, as soon as my brother appeared on the scene he was a very ill little baby and so I was completely pushed to the side. Thus started lifelong issues with abandonment – or fear of abandonment. At 11 I was emotionally left to take care of myself, and as a shy kid already tending towards depression issues, this was too much for me. I also have issues over being possessive sometimes. Several months after my brother was born, he got moved into my bedroom and I shared a bedroom with my mother for the two years I was in junior high. If you’re thinking that’s one of the WORST times in a young woman’s life to have no privacy and share a room with her mother, you’re right. My brother not only took over everyone’s attention, he also took over my physical space.

These issues, and the wounded 11-year-old inside me, come out when I fear that I’m being replaced. It’s not been a rational fear, but then many of my fears aren’t rational. At times lately I’ve panicked, worried that DeeDee was more interesting, newer, kinkier, more fun to be with. I’ve gotten very depressed thinking that I’m going to be abandoned. I’ve had intense fears of being replaced. I’ve had fears that somehow my relationship with MasterDoc is not special because he’s spending time with someone new.

MasterDoc has reassured me multiple times that this is not the case. And it is totally clear that DeeDee is not trying to set up such a situation. But when she’s around I still find these insecurities being triggered.

Communication

Opening up the lines of communication, even just a bit, can work wonders. Last night after I got all depressed and needed attention from MasterDoc, DeeDee started feeling vulnerable. Luckily, she’s better at voicing her concerns than I am, and the three of us had a talk where she voiced her anxieties: she’s the newest and therefore would be the first one ditched if there was trouble, I’m a younger woman – and I can speak from experience that younger women always seem threatening to older women. I’ve seen this just in my own insecurities early on concerning MasterDoc’s 21-year-old submissive. She’s young, and in our society we’re told that of course she’s more desirable. So even though I’m younger than DeeDee I too have felt the anxiety over not being the younger woman. The conversation became funny when I voiced that my issues were kinda the opposite. I figured that since I’ve been around a while I’m old hat and boring and she’s new and interesting. I worried about being replaced. We both had to laugh because neither of us thought the other had a rational fear going on. And it’s kinda silly that we’ve both had the same fears. And they originate within us and our psyches, because MasterDoc has certainly not indicated to anyone that he’s even remotely thinking about ditching anyone. Quite the opposite.

This morning we got to talk more and I’m confident that the three of us can make things work. We all like each other, and we all want things to work. I’m going to work on voicing my emotions calmly and early on (before they reach a rolling boil inside my head). I’ve got deep seated issues to work out, but I want to work them out. And I’m not someone who thinks that struggling and feeling uncomfortable are necessarily bad things. They’re part of life. And through struggle I will grow. I want to have MasterDoc and DeeDee in my life and happy. And I want myself to be happy. It will take a lot of communication and figuring things out but when something’s valuable you work for it.

Birthday

Published on November 20, 2009 in D/s, depression, dom, emotions, happy, mental illness, orgasm on command, sex, trust and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

Despite my depression the day before, my birthday was pretty good. (And Friday morning I woke up with a bit of a migraine aura. I haven’t had a migraine in a few years since I started taking magnesium, and this didn’t turn into a full-blown migraine, but to get to the point, when in the prodromal phase of a migraine I have often had severe mood issues a few days before the actual migraine. Alas, I only realize why when the migraine would eventually come on. But boy, does this help explain Tuesday! Thankfully, I only experienced the aura and postdrome today and avoided the pain, I guess through my regular taking of magnesium.)

So, while I still felt a bit emotionally fragile, my work day wasn’t too bad and that evening I got to have sushi with MasterDoc. He gave me a bracelet that I’ve been pining for for quite a while (first when I saw the grossly overpriced Tiffany model, then the pining became more realistic when Divasub pointed me to Eve’s Addiction.) It’s a chain with a lock (non-locking) so it’s an acceptable piece of jewelry to wear daily, but has enough bdsm symbolism to give me the warm fuzzies when I see it and think about being MasterDoc’s sub.

And I should point out here that I’m fortunate that my Dom is a doctor and the type of person to understand that things like clinical depression and migraine prodromes are somewhat out of my control. I am thankful that he understands. Of course in return I’ll do my best to understand and control my moods before they get out of control.

I fell back into sub mode on Wednesday. I was happy to do stuff even though it was my birthday. I scrubbed the kitchen counters (something that I try to keep on top of). I exercised without complaint. And consequently my evening was much nicer than the previous afternoon. When I’m happy, I’m so glad to serve. Service is much harder when I feel depressed or irritable.

We climbed into bed at one point and there was some erotic foreplay. I kissed his chest, rubbed “the spot.” (“The spot” is this particular place in the center of his upper chest that I and one of his friends [she named it] find soothing to stroke.) He directed my hand downward and I stroked his cock, then massaged around the base as he stroked it. He had me wet his fingers and he stroked my clit. We put the axis under my ass and he fucked me. It was wonderful. I only squirted a little when I came (he pointed out that he had drained me the day before) but I had delicious, hard orgasms.
I was very happy and so the second round of fucking was a total bonus. He took me from behind, and fucked me until I was frantically moaning. I could feel the mushroom head of his cock sliding along the inside of my vagina. It was as if I could feel every stroke of his cock in minute detail. The build up lead to terrific orgasms when he gave me permission to come. He’s gotten better at managing my vagina of steel and not getting his cock pushed out when I come. (I also try a bit to control the clamping down.) I came for quite a while as he continued to push his cock into my spasming cunt. I was euphoric. I cuddled up after and let him know that I was so very sorry for my outburst the day before. I felt so happy to be in his arms and to remember that I’m loved.

Sex and Tea

Published on November 17, 2009 in anal, depression, dom, happy, humor, masochism, mental illness, orgasm on command, sex, sex toys, shio, spanking, squirting, trust and Uncategorized. 4 Comments

So MasterDoc knew that orgasms and/or a beating would help improve my mood. After we had talked quite a bit, we were able to sit and relax and reconnect. I made myself a cup of tea and we had this exchange:

“What type of tea did you make?”

“Regular black tea.”

“No, no, I know that but you usually make something good, you’re a bit of a connoisseur of teas.”

“Oh I made PG Tips. I’d say it’s the best bagged tea I can get.”

“PG what?”

“PG Tips. It’s big in England.”

“Oh an Anglo thing, of course. I should have known with you.”

“Well the English know quite a bit about making tea. What do Americans know? We threw it in the bay. That’s not how you make a pot of tea!”

We thought it was funny at the time. I hope it translates here.

Relaxation and cuddling led to porn watching and sex. I rode his cock for a while until he decided to spank my ass – hard. In the fragile mental state I was in today I couldn’t process the pain. He smacked me a few times and I burst into tears. Yup, even wonderful MasterDoc miscalculates sometimes. We stopped, cuddled and he acknowledged that probably just now I need support and love rather than pain.

MasterDoc knew that orgasms would improve my mood even if a beating wasn’t quite right. He teased me with the magic wand until I was rolling my hips trying to keep the vibration directly on my clit. I started to moan and he added the archer wand (glass dildo) and fucked me with it. He had me take over using the Hitachi on myself, and he proceeded to fuck me with the glass toy. When he told me to come, I had incredible rolling orgasms. I squirted massively, multiple times. The archer wand is curved just right to hit my g-spot so I suppose the rain shower that issued forth from me wasn’t a big surprise. Thankfully I had put the throe on the bed or the mattress would have been soaked. When he cuddled me after, I put down a towel on the puddle and pretty much immediately the towel was soaked through.

This was pretty appropriate considering the porn I had selected was “lesbian bukkake.” Yes, women squirting all over each other. It’s kinda hot.

I truly am blessed with multiple orgasms. I had just kept coming over and over again. I was entirely unaware of anything other than my orgasms. I did feel better after (how could I not!?), and I cuddled MasterDoc tight. I love being in his arms. I would have been totally miserable if I had stormed out earlier in the afternoon.

Next, I played with his ass to help him come. We watched more porn (and I had to resist making commentary on it… the theme was two best friends get it on and have a male escort join them. Yes, women fuck their best friends all the time. I’m sure men do that too. What, you don’t? Oh that’s right, we don’t either.) and I massaged his ass. I think I keep getting better with practice and have learned to take my time, massage his thighs and then his ass, then very slowly work lubed hands into the area by his asshole. Stroke and press against there for a while and then when he asks I slide a finger in. I followed his direction when he told me to press forward or massage inside his ass. It really is satisfying to help him reach a fantastic orgasm. Watching someone shudder and pant a little with pleasure as they come, and knowing you helped, is a great feeling.

He offered to make me come again, and I was really happy. I hadn’t expected more. (The orgasms earlier were phenomenal. Really, what more could a woman want?) I lay the throe back down and put a towel over it. It was the towel he had just jerked off onto. When I lay down I got a cold wet feeling on my arm all of a sudden. Yup, his come this time, not mine. He just used his fingers to bring me to orgasm the second time around. And again, I came over and over. The man doesn’t need toys. He has talent. And again I felt overwhelmed with happiness that I hadn’t stupidly walked out. I cuddled up to him and didn’t want to move. The depression from earlier was replaced with a bit of chagrin over how irrationally I had been thinking earlier. MasterDoc has vowed to pay closer attention to my mental state and not let me get to the crazy part of things. When I’m rational, I can see that he’s been the best person ever to watch my moods and help me get depression under control.