Archive for the 'depression' Category

No One’s Perfect

Published on August 7, 2010 in D/s, DeeDee, Uncategorized, bdsm, caning, depression, flogging, humiliation play, kink, masturbation, piss play, sex toys, spanking, swinging and threesome. 0 Comments

Sometimes when I sit down to write about my experiences, I find myself at a loss where to start. The writing doesn’t always flow easily from my fingers through the keyboard, and with an ADD Dom by my side to distract me, it can even be harder.

We had sex yesterday afternoon, but it didn’t go well. Suffice it to say I felt like I needed intimacy and closeness, and MasterDoc thought a beating and objectification were in order. It wasn’t. It wasn’t anything traumatic, even with my collar on I’d have spoken up if trauma was going to happen. I know he would want to know such things. But I started off cranky and just became more annoyed as he beat me, and then fucked me. I didn’t get turned on. I didn’t come. Now in his defense, treating me rough and as a fucktoy can get me really worked up oftentimes. It just so happens that this particular afternoon it did the opposite. I went off to take a nap after, and griped about the experience to him before I went to sleep (after my collar was off). Once we both got up from our naps we talked, and thankfully I realize that he’s a human being, and therefore not perfect. I don’t expect him to be. So often he does exactly the right thing for me, but it’s to be expected in the real world that now and then he’ll misjudge what’s needed. I’m proud of myself that acted appropriately as a sub and didn’t mouth off during it, but I waited til after when my collar was off and we could talk about it.

I feel like our relationship is getting better all the time. I’m learning not to overreact to things. We discuss things much more calmly than before. (He’s always been a proponent of calm.) I’m learning not to expect perfection from him. I’m sure I’ve said before that I don’t expect him to be perfect, but I think on some level a submissive wants his/her Dom to be like a god – perfect, always worthy of awe. But while we have those moments and they’re beautiful, in real life people are not perfect. I know that a worthwhile Dom is one who takes the time to learn from their mistakes. A worthwhile Dom is one that can admit that he/she fucked up. And a worthwhile submissive works with his/her Dom to make things better, and still respects the Dom even when they’ve made a mistake and admit it.

Later, we were supposed to go out to the swing club (me, MasterDoc and DeeDee), but when MasterDoc called the owner up it turns out it’s closed currently for construction. Phooey. We had all been looking forward to going out.

We decided to make our own fun at home, even though it meant we didn’t have the audience we’d have at a club. DeeDee, ever creative, started role playing being a stranger who has come to play with a new couple (MasterDoc and I). We didn’t keep up with it for long, but it was fun and inventive to role play.

MasterDoc had DeeDee keep the camera handy. Lately he’s into getting photos of my face during orgasm. I really wish I could share them here. It’s so interesting for me to see as I don’t normally see myself during orgasm. We joked around a bit, as we were all in a pretty silly mood. Then we started to focus and get down to business. MasterDoc quickly put me in my happy place (aka subspace) by stroking my face and my body. It’s wonderful how with just a little focus he can put me there so easily now.

He had to interrupt the proceedings to use the bathroom, and alas he decided to piss on DeeDee. I could hear them in the bathroom next door as he made her come while he pissed on her. I played with some of my Lelo toys (the Gigi til the power ran out and the Nea after). MasterDoc came back in to me after, and he realized that he couldn’t just start up with me again. After such an intense scene, DeeDee needed aftercare. He thought it would be cute if we each cuddled her from either side and he got her to come in and lay on the bed between us. It was definitely a good thing and I joked that she was getting the “deluxe aftercare” last night. As horny as I was, I could put that aside for a moment to enjoy cuddling. DeeDee and I don’t really cuddle, but it wouldn’t be a bad thing to do at all.

She was going to rest on the floor after she felt better – she didn’t want to keep us from fooling around, but she didn’t want to be alone either. I could totally understand that and was fine with her staying there. She didn’t get to rest much, however, before MasterDoc got her taking photos.

To be continued….

Independence Day

Published on July 6, 2010 in D/s, DeeDee, Uncategorized, anal, bdsm, bisexuality, blow jobs, caning, cunnilingus, depression, dom, embarrassment, exhibitionism, humiliation play, kink, masochism, masturbation, sex, sex parties, shio, slut, squirting, submissive and threesome. 0 Comments

Since I wear my depressive episodes on my sleeve anyone who follows my twitter knows I was in bad shape the other day. Thankfully, it has passed and I have some very understanding people in my life who realize that while I become negative and complaining during an episode, it’s not entirely what I’m thinking/feeling so much as just a chemical reaction in my brain.

But some things do get brought up when I’m in that state that are bothering me just below the surface. I gave MasterDoc a hard time about our sex life becoming more and more routine. It can be frustrating when he seems to put effort and creativity into trysts with women he’s not involved with, but not so much with me (or DeeDee). Now granted, even a routine sex life with MasterDoc is pretty hot and satisfying. And one of the wonderful things (I say that a lot, don’t I? There’s many wonderful things.) about MasterDoc is that he will look at criticism and see if it has merit. He acknowledged that there is some truth to my complaints.

After talks, hugs and hanging out, my depression lifted. On Saturday night after MasterDoc made DeeDee come and subsequently conk out, he took me into the other bedroom and went down on me. This is something he doesn’t do often, and we were chatting about that earlier in the day. He dove in and did a fantastic job eating my pussy. He had me moaning and heading towards orgasm in mere moments. As he had me come, he put fingers inside me AND pressed down just above my pubic bone with the other hand while still licking my clit. Holy fucking christ I had an incredible orgasm. Even more incredible than usual. He joked about how he was sorry it was just plain sex and not something creative. I had to laugh because of course it was more than wonderful. I crave more bdsm scenes, but the sex we do have is pretty damn hot.

Sunday night the three of us went out to the swing club. MasterDoc, DeeDee and I seem to be becoming more and more triad-like as time goes on. It’s not unusual for us to show up as a unit to the swing club. The three of us took over the large bed and DeeDee and I took turns sucking MasterDoc’s cock. DeeDee started him off, and I cuddled with him. He decided that in honor of Independence Day we would be allowed to come when we choose to (now granted, we each might decide some teasing is desired, but it was all left up to us). After telling me this, he had me swap places with DeeDee and he told her the same and one or two other things, such as him considering letting us select one guy to fuck.

The swing club was having a private party that night and the host, a friendly (and kinky) guy we know, came in with his new paddle. He told MasterDoc that he was welcome to break the paddle in, and so MD had DeeDee and I get on all fours on the bed, asses in his direction. He alternated paddling us. I hadn’t had a paddling in a while and it definitely suited me. He switched to fingering us at the same time and soon we’re both coming. (Picture, if you will, MasterDoc kneeling on the bed behind us with his right hand in my cunt and his left hand in DeeDee’s cunt.) The party host commented afterward that it was impressive to watch MasterDoc “pussy DJ.” MasterDoc loves the showmanship of sex and he would vary what he did to us to get us to make noise in time with the music. He’d focus on DeeDee, then on me, then both of us so we were moaning in unison. I came quickly and for a long time. These days I forget how fast I’m able to orgasm since I always have to ask permission. It was lovely for a change of pace, but I like the way he teases me so I wouldn’t want it like that all the time.

After a rest and cuddles, he had DeeDee and I give him a dual blow job – she was licking one side, I the other. We both started giggling when her tongue pretty much left his cock and got together with my tongue. I giggled thinking MasterDoc was pushing her head a bit to encourage her – but it turned out he had no idea why we were giggling! DeeDee was more aggressive than usual and it surprised me a bit because I remember back to last year when MasterDoc met her and he told me that she was curious about doing things with women, but didn’t think she would be comfortable kissing one. I was happy to go along with it however, as clearly she was ok with what she was doing.

As DeeDee cuddled against MasterDoc’s back and stroked his ass and back (as far as I could tell), he leaned in to me and we kissed a bit. He touched my body and soon I was on the verge of orgasm. I could feel DeeDee’s hand reach out for my nipple and I enjoyed coming as they played with my body.

We got dressed, got drinks and had a seat in the main area. Coincidentally, the spotlight was on MasterDoc’s cock. This inspired him to have us take turns blowing him and with a hard cock he asked if I wanted to be fucked. Oh yes! He had me bend over the  back of the couch and he fucked me. Unfortunately, this didn’t last long as the couch is right against a wall, a very hard wall, and my head kept hitting it despite my best efforts to keep it  clear of the wall. We had to find another spot.

We moved to the exhibitionists room just a few steps away (it’s part of the main area, just set off by some very sheer curtains). MasterDoc decided to give me a beating and DeeDee suggested implements from the toy bag to him. My pain tolerance was quite good and he gave me quite a beating. (DeeDee later said she was impressed by what I took.) Since I had permission to come whenever I wanted, I came due to just the beating. The orgasm lasted a while while he kept caning my ass. My ass was quite sore after, but I had had a great time.

I suggested that DeeDee was overdue for an orgasm. He says, “What? She’s due for a beating?” He loves to tease us and make it seem like we’re trying to give the other one trouble. Because she was so enthusiastic about giving him impact toys to use on me, he decided that he should use the same ones on her. I was proactive for once and I lent a hand playing with her clit without his even encouraging me. DeeDee came easily. I got the nea and used that on her clit next. MasterDoc followed through on something he had promised earlier that evening – that he would use my anal beads on her as a tail. He had her suck on the beads to moisten them, and I tried being helpful and held up the bottle of lube, which thankfully he used. So the beads were placed only about half way in, and he told her, “Now, arf!”

“Oh Sir! Please no!” DeeDee moaned with her face buried in her arms (ass in the air). He got her to bark like a dog, much to her humiliation. In order to be able to come again, he made her arf one final time. She did after a few moments as I suppose the desire for orgasm outweighed the humiliation. As MasterDoc played with her cunt, I remembered his admonition for no idle hands – either help play with someone else – or play with yourself. I opted to play with myself and soon I came again as DeeDee did. I squirted this time, and got my dress a little wet. Thankfully it’s warm out so the damp dress wasn’t as uncomfortable as it could have been.

A few people had stopped by to watch as she came while my hand was holding the nea to her clit and MasterDoc was playing with the anal beads. DeeDee was so embarrassed after that she didn’t want to leave the area and face the people who might have been watching her humiliation.

A Week in the Life of Nadia

Published on June 16, 2010 in D/s, DeeDee, Uncategorized, bdsm, bisexuality, bondage, caning, depression, electrosex/tens unit, kink, masochism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, pillow princess, poly, restraints, sex, sex toys, shio, squirting and submissive. 0 Comments

I’m so behind on blogging! I’ve had a very busy week or so and it doesn’t seem to be letting up any time soon. This seems to be a new trend – insane busy-ness. As a result you will get a mish-mosh of things I got up to over the past several days.

MasterDoc recently bought (yes, we sometimes buy sex toys and not just enjoy the ones I get to review) some Zeus electrosex attachments from Extreme Restraints – the nipple “clamps” to target my poor sensitive nipples and the small torpedo plug to torment my ass. The plug didn’t get used although he did use the larger one we’ve had for a while in my vagina. We discovered however, that for me the electrosex isn’t so good for foreplay, but it’s divine once I’m aroused. The large torpedo in my cunt was uncomfortable because it’s so rigid and I wasn’t yet warmed up. The nipple clamps don’t particularly clamp, but they do zap your nipples. But worse than that, he thought to put them on my outer labia. That fucking hurt. Then he tried them on my inner labia. I think he needs to gag me if he ever plans on putting that toy near my cunt again. I screamed. He threatened to put it on my clit but thankfully he showed some mercy.

After all the torment (and yes, as much as I enjoy some pain it was indeed torment) he fucked me from behind. This was my present for being so patient with the electrosex. The fucking was really hot, and not at all painful like the electro gear. I was allowed to use the magic wand, which I love but it’s hard to hold up after a while (especially if you’re busy holding yourself up with your other arm).

I held out as long as I could but I had to beg to be allowed to come. I came and unfortunately my cunt pushed his cock out. But, ever the soul of ingenuity, he used a glass dildo on me for a while and kept me coming. Then he put his cock back in a few times. Alternating between the dildo and his cock was wonderful, but I certainly hope doing Kegels these days will help control the intense squeezing and ejection my cunt likes to do during orgasm. I squirted all over my hand, the bed and the floor. I was exhausted and sweaty after.

Somewhere in the past few days was some really hot sex – that I’ve now forgotten the details of. Yes, I know I’m quite fortunate to have enough fantastic sex that I can afford to forget some of it. I seem to remember prostate massage for MasterDoc. And fucking. Oh and I started sinking into depression on afternoon so MasterDoc caned me. Rather hard. I nearly didn’t make it through all 10 strokes! But my mood sure improved after that.

Another day, I was bound, face down over the hump of the Liberator scoop and made to come.  Yay! Bondage! He held the magic wand to my clit and let me hump it while my legs and wrists were attached to the scoop by cuffs. He left me bound there for a while while he went off to play with DeeDee. I was wiped out, but after a bit I became distracted by Forrest Gump playing on the television. Yes, I held my head up uncomfortably and got into the movie. I rather suspect MasterDoc was doing wonderful nasty things to DeeDee. He came out and released me after a bit, and I rested on the couch as I ended up dizzy and nauseous for a while – I guess having my bodacious boobs smashed against the scoop might have compressed my chest a bit too much.

During another interlude, he made DeeDee come while I got toys together. (And drove myself nearly crazy because I hadn’t been good and put my Lelo Gigi away last time – so I had to search high and low for it while listening to DeeDee come in the next room.) But I got my moment when MasterDoc langorously played with my cunt with his fingers, and he made me come with his hands. After recovering, DeeDee blew him while I kissed him and played with his chest. He asked for a condom and I put one on, then he surprised us a little by asking DeeDee if she wanted to get on for a ride. While she fucked him I played with his inner thighs and really added to the experience for him. It is so much fun to watch them while being participatory. My pillow princess days are over – I get really into making other people feel good.

After a break MasterDoc decided to fuck me too. Whoo hoo! He fucked me from behind on the mat in the living room. DeeDee played with his ass while he fucked me. I was so turned on that I thought I might come without permission but I could tell he was near coming. Despite my intense arousal I wanted him to come from fucking me – it doesn’t happen often – or at least have a chance to. Eventually he realized he wasn’t going to quite get there, so he told me to come. I did, muscles clamping down, squirting a whole lot over my hand holding the Gigi. I was an exhausted and happy camper. He went later to fuck DeeDee in her room while I got ready for bed.

So, uh, just a typical week in the life of Nadia.

Misunderstandings Suck

Published on June 3, 2010 in D/s, Uncategorized, anger, anxiety, depression, derangement, embarrassment, emotions, musings, neurosis, non-monogamy, poly, sex, sybian and threesome. 0 Comments

Even the best relationships have rough patches and misunderstandings. Unfortunately Monday night led to me misunderstanding and getting really upset. Consequently, I spent most of Tuesday upset.

I spent the Monday holiday with MasterDoc, and after we went out to lunch he gave me a sybian ride. I squirted like a sprinkler all over the machine and the floor. Leading up to this, I had laid out nipple clamps, the Hitachi magic wand and my Gigi in the bedroom and gotten started without him. (Hey, I was horny!) He put the clamps on my nipples and led me into the living room where he had set up the sybian. He also grabbed the riding crop to swat my ass while he gave me the ride.

It is delicious how he teases me by varying the speed of the vibration. He tugged on the nipple clamps (one of which didn’t want to stay put) and spanked me with the crop. As I said before, when I came I squirted. I had to clean up the machine and the carpet afterward.

DeeDee was due home that evening, and he made it clear that I would not be the focus of our play that night, and I understood that. DeeDee hadn’t seen him since Friday morning. The three of us hung out watching t.v. for a bit after dinner, and I stumbled upon a Lady Gaga fest on Fuse. When MasterDoc decided it was time to head to the bedroom, I semi-seriously said, “But Gaga is on!” He said that’s fine, I can watch it. Seeing my chance at sex as slipping away, I said, “But this could go on for hours! I don’t have to watch it.” He pointed out that I should enjoy myself and watch for the next half hour or so, until whatever segment was over.

I was a bit inebriated that evening, and I started to wonder if he wanted time alone with DeeDee. In theory there’s nothing wrong with this, but since a threesome had been implied, I felt left out being left in the living room watching Gaga videos (amid many commercials). I somehow in my muddled mind started to think that I was being left out for the whole evening. I debated back and forth – would he really do that? Well as a good sub I should respect that and do my best to enjoy my evening in the living room. But I felt really left out and sad. I felt rejected. I felt like I was being punished for something.

I went to the bathroom at one point and he came to check on me. During our brief conversation I got the impression that he did want me to stay in the living room. But he also said something about coming in. I peeked in the bedroom after I left the loo and they were intensely close and I worried that I’d be barging in. I thought I had misinterpreted him. I went back to the living room.

I lay sadly on the sofa, watching t.v. and clutching the stuffed dog one of his other girlfriends had given him (who I’ve taken a liking to and named Brian after the dog on Family Guy). MasterDoc and DeeDee came out at one point and said they were going to set up the air conditioner in DeeDee’s room. Ok. It’s a good thing because the evening was hot, but I thought to myself (incorrectly), “Well that’s the end of that. No sex for me.”

After the a/c was in, MasterDoc sat on the sofa next to me and reached over to part my legs. He started playing with my cunt and I was confused – was he doing this because I seemed upset at the lack of attention? Was I taking attention away from DeeDee and being a selfish little bitch in a way? Should I enjoy what he was doing and orgasm? The night wasn’t supposed to be about me.  I felt guilty for feeling so upset over being left out. He managed to wrench a hard orgasm out of me despite my terrible mindset. I was feeling bewildered.

Now, reading this you know that I had misunderstood. But at the time I didn’t know this, and I was really ruminating over it all. MasterDoc decided to have me join them, and I thought, “Oh hey, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I’ll be included now.” But then I went back to my original theory when it turned out I was invited in to teach DeeDee the touching technique I’ve learned that turns MasterDoc on. And so my inebriated brain thought, “Great, I’m just coming in to improve their sex life.”

I struggled all night to be a “good” submissive and accept things as they came. For a while I did get into touching MasterDoc and I was able to stop feeling depressed and truly enjoy myself. (It is amazing being able to make your Dom twitch from your touch.) I taught DeeDee some of the technique and MasterDoc was a very happy man having us both massage his inner thighs.

DeeDee headed off again (the reason why escapes me) and MasterDoc asked if I wanted to get fucked. I went for it since it had been nearly a week since I had his cock in me, but with all my neuroses hard at work I wasn’t sure I’d enjoy it. He could see I was distressed in some way, checked in with me, and I was worried that he’d go off to DeeDee’s room right after fucking me, leaving me alone without aftercare. He made it clear that I was supposed to enjoy myself and that I would get cuddles after. So I did let go and come hard when he fucked me, but my brain still was chugging along the wrong track.

He slept with DeeDee that night, which I knew about ahead of time. As I lay in bed trying to sleep (I had work in the morning) I could hear DeeDee coming even through the earplugs I wear to bed. This just fueled my distressed mind. I had a hard time falling asleep and was completely miserable.

I spent the next morning filled with angst. I laid into MasterDoc when I ran into him online during the day. Poor guy didn’t know what I was going on about. By this time my insecurity had been thoroughly tapped into and pain and sadness flowed from me. It was a hellish day at work.

But when I got back to MasterDoc’s that evening, he and I talked. I broke down and got a little hysterical after explaining to him that part of expressing myself to me is letting the emotions show (he always tries to get me to talk calmly, without raising my voice). He’s far more rational and thick-skinned than me, so my reactions put him off. I’m very emotional. I’ve worked for years on becoming more rational, and I’ve improved, but sometimes my emotions take over. I expressed how truly painful the incident on Sunday with my toys on the floor had been for me – I know it’s something he wouldn’t have a second thought about. He’s not bothered by things like that. But for me it triggers something deep.

I cried. I was angry. I was sad. I was unfortunately bitchy. I jabbed with words, which I’m unfortunately good at. The feeling that I really need more sex and need to see more people overwhelmed me. I’m not sure that was really the deep-seated issue at hand, but it’s something that came out. He is open to me playing with others, etc. Now I need to get off my ass and meet other potential partners. After the discussion was over, I was left feeling terrible because I had truly made him hurt. He’s not hyper-expressive like I am, but I could see in his eyes that I really hurt him.

I’ve been feeling bad about it since, although I know that you can’t take back words, but you can try to be different going forward. I’m going to focus more on complimenting him and less on criticizing. Really, in so many ways I’m over the moon with him. He really can make me happy. I should de-emphasize the negative and as Louis Armstrong sang, “Acc-cent-choo-ate the positive.” I plan to be with him for a very long time.

When I get an occasional email on Facebook saying what a lucky man MasterDoc is to have me, I think about these times when I’m overemotional, or depressed, and I think that I’m very much the lucky one.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Published on May 10, 2010 in Uncategorized, anxiety, assault, blog, depression, emotions, mental illness, recovery and trauma. 7 Comments

I wrote the first draft of this on Saturday morning, when I was heavily in the midst of a post-traumatic stress disorder crisis. Sorry to say you don’t get any hot stories from the weekend as there pretty much weren’t any. This post is a bit meandering as it’s more about expressing my feelings than writing a well-written blog post.

Mental illness is something that you can’t just wish away. I’m as able to wish away bouts of post traumatic stress as much as I’m able to wish away a bout of diarrhea from ingesting dairy without lactaid. It’s frustrating. My rational brain can grasp the fact that I’m not in danger like I was during the trauma that gave me PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). It can grasp the fact that MasterDoc takes care of me now, and the same scenario wouldn’t happen again as he would never let it. But the primal brain, the part that was traumatized, can’t be reasoned with and so I go into a bout of panic, anxiety and helplessness as if I’m re-living the the trauma all over again. And again. And again.

Various things can trigger a bout of PTSD and it’s not always (or even often) possible to determine ahead of time what might set me off. I read stories about sexual violence regularly in feminist blogs; I think it’s vital to discuss it and that silence will only perpetuate the problem. But sometimes something hits me just the wrong way, or just on the wrong day, and I find myself struggling with the same feelings I had right after the assault.

What set me off this time was a combination of things: reading comments on a post about outing sexual predators was the big thing. People were telling the survivors that they should always go to the police and that if they didn’t report the incident then they were somehow responsible for the sexual predator attacking the next person (and yet they shouldn’t publicly name and shame the person). This of course is utter bullshit as the only person responsible for the inappropriate behavior of the attacker is the attacker. But it struck me deeply as I agonized for a long time over pursuing legal repercussions after I was sexually assaulted 5 years ago. I worried about the women who could be affected in future by this asshole who was incapable of empathy or taking responsibility for his actions. I ultimately decided not to file a report because in talking to the NYPD I found out that unless they were sure they could convict they wouldn’t even prosecute. At the time people who were there that night were making all sorts of excuses for the guy who traumatized me. (He hosted fun sex parties, no one wanted to be uninvited. From what I hear he still hosts parties. Yes, New York sluts, you may in fact attend the parties of someone who committed sexual assault without remorse.) I felt like I would be completely alone in my accusations, and considering I was barely keeping my head together at that point I knew that pursuing legal action would only serve to damage me more. I also worried about harassment from his friends if I spoke up. (I did receive a little harassment just from speaking up within the circle.) Now, it’s past the statute of limitations (I can’t tell you the agony I went through that year the statute was going to be up. Do I report? Do I not?) but in the past two years a few people have come forward from that night to tell me that, indeed, what that guy did was wrong and they have felt terrible about what I went through. It’s comforting, but I wish they could have spoken up when I could have gone to the police.

As for the guy who did it, well he’s still a part of the sex blogger community. He’s on twitter. He’s on Fetlife. Part of my trigger was thinking about how many of my blogger friends believe his facade of “nice guy” and don’t realize what he did to me. I feel like the world should know, but in this society we protect the perpetrators of sex crimes. Had he hit me, or mugged me, I wouldn’t hesitate to name him. But since it was sexual and I know that being at a sex party when it happened would be enough for the slut shaming to begin, I don’t feel safe hollering his name from the rooftops. Oh privately I have told many, but publicly I’ve been mostly circumspect. I’m sure if anyone questioned him about the incident, he would deftly turn things around and make me look like the bad one. (Just as he did after the assault. Nice guy, huh?)

I’ve heard from someone else that they heard the story of that incident from him and his telling is completely different. In his mind, I was a woman who decided to try to “destroy him online.” I find this rich considering I didn’t name who did it or hint at who did it in the aftermath (for at least 2 years). I merely blogged about the hell I was going through and from this dickhead I got things like emails telling me to stop using him as “blog fodder.” Most readers of the blog I had at that time didn’t know who had done it, so I don’t see how he was persecuted by my trying to process my feelings. (He sure didn’t like the comments people left about what an asshole he was. But these people didn’t know he, specifically, was the asshole.) He refused to take any sort of responsibility for his behavior, and one or two people close to him made excuses (“He was drunk.”) or one even went so far as to call me crazy. I’m not crazy. And this man who did this to me is clearly incapable of empathy. I’m not the only person to observe him and come to the conclusion that he likely has some sort of personality disorder. So while a part of me wants to hear an apology (5 years later and one still hasn’t appeared) I don’t really expect to ever get one, because he is so focused on how this incident affected him. (Isn’t that simply amazing? He traumatized and assaulted me and he feels that he’s the wronged party.) I’ve seen him concoct huge, involved, false stories about people I know because he imagines that they are persecuting him in some way. I’ve heard about others who have spoken out about him who have been incessantly harassed by his minions. Intellectually I know this man will never feel remorse for what he did to me. And this is supremely frustrating because his actions can still affect me deeply 5 years later. When will it stop? I don’t know that the flashbacks will ever stop. I don’t know that the self-blaming will ever stop. I don’t know that my fears of him hurting other women will ever stop. A few years back a woman I was dating turned out to go to his parties. I felt panicked for her because I was afraid if he knew I knew her then he’d do something to her too. That incident was a total trigger for me. I went home and cried.

I’ve spent the past three and a half days trying to distract myself from the feeling of being re-traumatized. But it’s not something that can be simply ignored. I keep going through endless cycles of panic coming on, followed by extreme frustration that I could be happy and having hot sex right about now, but instead I’m feeling violated and fearful. When I’m triggered, I live the trauma all over again. Over the weekend I was psychically in the space where I was during/after the assault: scared, helpless, panicked, angry. I find myself questioning if going to a sex party makes it somehow okay for someone to put a speculum inside you without having negotiated it (or ANY play) with you beforehand. I find myself angry that I didn’t stop him before he put it in my cunt and jabbed me with it. (I had a tender spot inside my vagina for about a year after the event.) But at the time I firmly believed that if I said stop he would stop. He didn’t. And you can’t just jump up and run out of a room with an open speculum inside you. I had to rely on this asshole taking it out of me. With enough panic coursing through me I decided to end things there and then by drawing all attention to what was going on. And while I’m proud of the strength it took for me to do that, I was already traumatized at that point.

It’s been a long trip back from there to where I am now (on most days). It’s taken a long time for me to trust my dark fantasies to MasterDoc. I often fear that someone will use these fantasies against me, like how after the assault someone commented on my blog and cited my talking about using a speculum to see my cervix as an indication that I consented to this guy, who I had never played with before, to use one with me sexually. (Keep in mind any discussion of speculums on my blog were related to viewing my cervix and not at all sexual fantasy-related.) I find myself often afraid to admit to things especially without putting in the caveat that I want to do them “with MasterDoc.” He’s the only person I feel safe enough with to indulge the dark, kinky fantasies I’ve always had.

Simply talking about something does not equal consenting to doing it.

I’d name this asshole right here, right now and link to his blog, only I fear the harassment that would ensue. I’ve dealt with enough hell from this person. Right now about the only thing I can do is hope he dies a slow, painful death. And I hope that I can move past this anger that plunges me into depression whenever I’m triggered.

I write this for me. I write this because I feel better having gotten it out. Douchebag, this ultimately has nothing to do with you. If I wanted to persecute you I’d be going about it in an entirely different way.

Ass Fucked Slut

Published on April 25, 2010 in D/s, Uncategorized, anal, bdsm, blow jobs, cunt, depression, embarrassment, humiliation play, kink, masochism, masturbation, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, sadism, sex, sex toys, shio, slut, squirting and wartenburg wheel. 0 Comments

The terrible mood swings went on up through last night. The “crimson tide” has come in so today I’m feeling much more stable. Except for the time when I got hypoglycemic. Oh well, there’s always something.

I got to spend some special alone time with MasterDoc last night. As we sat on the sofa, he started in on some sort of mind fuck. The problem is I can’t recall today what it was – some sort of threat of something that is scary but perhaps also erotic, or at least him making me do it is erotic in and of itself. I wish I could remember the specifics but all I remember ultimately is getting hot and melting into submissiveness just from his words.

He had me set up the bedroom for our interlude. As usual the Fascinator throe was put down on the bed. Lube, condoms, a butt toy and a vibe were made handy. I added the Wartenburg wheel. I brought his laptop in and set it up on the bed with some porn on it.

He told me to finish watching the tv show I had been watching, and when the last fifteen minutes were up I went into the bedroom. He told me to take the lube, reach back and lube up my ass. As I did this, hands working behind me, standing at the foot of the bed, he watched me and commented that it was hot thinking about exactly what I was doing. I felt embarrassment and looked down. When I was done, he sent me to wash my hands of the extra lube.

He had me get on hands and knees as soon as I returned, and he fucked my ass without any physical foreplay. It’s funny because sometimes I need a good warm up, but last night was so hot. I loved that he just shoved his cock inside my lubed up ass and fucked the hell out of me. The idea that I was his slut, his dirty whore who was enjoying him fucking me up the ass, turned me on so much. I’m pretty sure I muttered, “I love being your slut!” at one point. I was turned on by the idea of him using my body for his own pleasure. He fucked me long and hard. I was moaning and on the verge of orgasm for ages. Even though his cock was in my ass I could feel the sensations in my cunt. He ran the Wartenburg wheel over my ass and back, pressing the points into my ass. He grabbed my hips, and was generally rough with me. I held out as long as I could before begging for permission to come. He let me come and he continued to fuck me as I shuddered and screamed. (I feel bad for his neighbors. We really need to use gags more.) He wrung every last orgasm out of my body. His cock has been extra hard for extra long recently (I will perhaps someday explain why) and my clenching pelvic muscles aren’t such a formidable force against his cock these days. I do still push his cock out involuntarily sometimes, but it doesn’t happen as quickly or easily as before.

We took a break and I was exhausted from the phenomenal ass fucking. Unfortunately my hormones were still wreaking havoc on me and I hit a mood swing and started crying. Of course MasterDoc was a bit bewildered that after such great sex and orgasms I could feel depressed, but it was really just down to some sort of biochemical mood swing.

We rested for a bit and snacked on sorbet and fruit salad. My mood was back up again and I tried to eat slowly, savoring the feeling of the creamy sorbet on my tongue. At some point he said he needed to pee, but just a little bit, and he considered pissing in my mouth right there on the bed, and making me swallow it down. I cringed and curled up, putting my head down, hoping so hard that he was just fucking with me. This time he was.

I was hoping we’d fuck more, and it seemed a bit iffy at one point. Because of my moodiness I perceived that since DeeDee moved in with him he gives me much shorter and less involved scenes. We talked about it though, and it’s probably a bit of my mis-perception, and a bit of just the usual ebb and flow (that would have happened regardless of DeeDee living here). He says he’ll keep an eye on things in the future, but two weeks is a really short period of time to interpret things as changing long term. I do worry that with two women around so much now that getting as much sex from him might be difficult.

We cuddled a bit, and he had me suck his cock after I had had enough cuddles. I got really into it and he seemed just huge last night and very hard. He picked up the magic wand and held it to my clit while I sucked. I was soon humping the wand as best I could and he had me put a condom on him and get on top. I was so horny and turned on that I pushed through a little physical fatigue to ride him a good long time. He thrust up into me, making me sigh and gasp as he did. He grabbed parts of my body to enhance the experience – gentle nipple pinching, massaging my hip joints. He got me really worked up until I came, and came, and came. I squirted all over him, and unfortunately the throe had shifted through the evening and I squirted a bit on the bed as well. His cock stayed hard for a long time and I kept coming. As I came he slapped my ass at one point but damn, somehow it hurt too much and distracted me. I had to beg him to stop spanking me. My ass stung for a few moments afterward.

He made me come again and this time my vagina of steel pushed his cock out. By this time his balls were soaked in my come, and I was exhausted, but very, very happy.

Despite the mood swings I was still dealing with, we had a fantastic evening together.

MasterDoc’s PMDD Cure

Published on April 21, 2010 in D/s, Uncategorized, anal, bdsm, depression, humiliation play, kink, masochism, nipple clamps, orgasm on command, sex, sex toys, shio, squirting and wartenburg wheel. 1 Comment

I’ve spent the past two evenings with MasterDoc, and the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Late Monday afternoon at work my mood dropped considerably and my premenstrual bout of depression had begun.

I found myself withdrawn when I met up with DeeDee and MD at his place. The three of us were supposed to hang out together that night, whereas Tuesday night was to be my night alone with him. I felt terrific guilt at being so down and feeling unstable. I had fears that DeeDee might think I was malingering to get attention. And while I did need attention, it wasn’t from faking but from a genuine mood issue.

But both DeeDee and MasterDoc were really kind that night. They didn’t push me to do my usual things (DeeDee cooks, I clean up lately) and MasterDoc gave me time alone. We tried out my new Gigi (the vibrator I have lusted after for over a year!) that I won from Babeland. I will review it shortly. I loved the new toy and MasterDoc made me come hard over and over. He wrung every possible orgasm out of my body. But while I felt amazing immediately after, my depression still lurked and I found myself crying out of frustration and sadness. I needed cuddles as much as I needed orgasms.

Last night, I was handling myself a little better although I still felt depressed. While cuddling on the couch, MasterDoc had a revelation – while orgasms and beatings do help my mood, it’s more likely that I need the intimacy when I’m feeling down. I think he’s on to something there.

When it came time for sex, he had me set up the electrosex box, the usual items (condoms, lube), my new Gigi and the plastic clips from the kitchen (small plastic clothespins used to keep bags closed). I took the liberty of adding the wartenburg wheel. I tried out the clothespins on my nipples when I went to the kitchen to get them. My nipples are more sensitive what with my period coming any day now, and I was pretty terrified of him using them on me.

Later in the evening he did use them, first to clip the skin of my upper breasts. This hurt, but I was sufficiently in subspace by that time that it felt amazing for him to hurt me. I wanted him to hurt me. I wanted to suffer by his hand. He ultimately decided to progress to putting them on my nipples, and to my surprise I enjoyed the pain. I have a light bruise on my right breast, I’m not sure if it’s from the clothespins or if he bit me at some point.

My recollections are a bit hazy. I can recall what we did, but not in what order things happened. He fucked me from behind, and the whole time I fantasized about him fucking me up the ass. His cock stayed rock hard even when I came and this was just amazing to feel – his cock still hard, still inside me. I went all feral and pushed myself back onto him while stroking my swollen and wet pussy. As I came, my hand became covered in my juices. I squirted a hell of a lot last night.

I collapsed when he told me to, and a short while later I shared my fantasy of him fucking my ass. Much to my happiness, he decided to do that. He had me use the Gigi on my clit first and then wanted me to put it inside of my vagina – not only for my own pleasure, but he wanted me to rub the vibration against the membrane between my vagina and rectum so he could feel it on his cock. I was totally into being fucked up the ass, but unfortunately trying to get the vibe in my pussy from that angle was hopeless. That kinda drew things to a close. But while he was fucking me, I loved how he dug his fingers into my ass, or stroked my back, or pulled my hair. I nearly forgot – he also ran the wartenburg wheel over me.

I felt much better after all that. And of course I’m not the only one who got to come. MasterDoc came on my face – not in my mouth. My chin and lips were glazed with his come, which I left there until he told me I could clean it off. (Guys don’t necessarily appreciate a woman going, “Eww!” and wiping off their come at the first possible second.) I slept well last night and the good feelings lingered on through much of today. Hormones fucked with me some more this afternoon, but I’m just eagerly waiting on my period at this point.

One last tidbit, after fucking my ass, he made me lick around the base of his cock to make sure it would be clean in case he fucked my pussy again. I somehow managed to desensitize myself to the ick factor of ass stuff being on his cock. I suppose it was easier to handle than actual ass-to-mouth.

The Man with the Sybian

Published on April 17, 2010 in D/s, DeeDee, Uncategorized, bdsm, blow jobs, caning, depression, emotions, exhibitionism, flogging, kink, masochism, masturbation, orgasm on command, sex parties, sex toys, shio, spanking and squirting. 0 Comments

Last night I went out to a party with MasterDoc and DeeDee. She’s now staying with MasterDoc until she gets herself settled in New York, so we’ll get to hang out more often.

I was feeling blue and moody, thanks to the usual premenstrual issues, but I was at least able to control my feelings this time, and realize that they were hormonal rather than real issues. It was wonderful that DeeDee noticed I was out of sorts and she asked what she could do or not to that evening to help – this is why we’re friends. Just hearing that helped de-grumpify me a little bit.

We went out in the pouring rain because MasterDoc was bringing the sybian to this party, so he had an obligation to show up. I found early in the evening that I needed cuddles more than anything else, and DeeDee and I sat on either side of him on a sofa for a while after we arrived at the party. The cuddles definitely helped me. I was fortunate since MasterDoc and DeeDee had had sexual and bdsm fun in the afternoon, so he focused on me a little more which I really needed last night.

The party started really slowly. It seemed the singletons showed up early so no one was playing. I felt like we were beyond the kink level of the attendees, but later when things started picking up and more couples arrived, I found that while we were decidedly more sexual than most, the others there were pretty damn kinky. I went down on MasterDoc for a while (despite the slight discomfort from bending over in my waist cincher) and DeeDee took a turn after.

MasterDoc knows that spanking, coupled with orgasms, usually helps my mood a great deal. So he had me kneel on the sofa, facing the back and take my pants down. He spanked and flogged me for a while and it helped my asocial mood to be able to close my eyes and just focus on the beating. He soon had DeeDee kneel on the sofa next to me, and he took turns flogging, spanking and caning us both. It was strange to hear two blows but not feel anything (when he hit DeeDee) and then suddenly the next two blows hit my ass. He gave us vibes to play with and made us work ourselves up. It’s funny because both DeeDee and I felt kinda like it was somehow not okay to be so sexual when no one else was doing anything. But still, regardless of anxiety, MasterDoc’s voice telling us to come made us come at once. I was afraid to squirt on my pants that were down around my knees, so I held back a little, but I did come. The orgasms were kinda like skipping stones across a pond – not deep but repetitive.

MasterDoc gave me the first sybian ride of the evening, and the orgasms did me a world of good. If you ever get a chance to watch a woman on a sybian, please do. It is amazing how hard a woman can come – and now much! – when riding that amazing vibrator. My orgasms were insane – I kept coming over and over. Grabbing blindly at MasterDoc and coming uncontrollably. I squirted a couple of times and had to clean up afterwards. He kept pushing me until I was too exhausted to come any more. I lay down on the couch after and was happy when I could rest my head on MasterDoc’s lap. MasterDoc’s pms cure had worked again!

DeeDee is exploring her switchiness and she got to talking to a submissive man at the party. He seemed nice. Not entirely her type but at least he put service before his own kinky desires – quite refreshing compared to the guys DeeDee has met on collar me. He gave DeeDee a foot rub, and she kindly got him to give me one after. Ah it was wonderful. I may not be at all dominant, but I do appreciate a good foot rub. He did it as long as either of us wanted him to. He also bought DeeDee a soda when she asked, and later he helped her out of her panties when she went to ride the sybian and he held them during her ride – I’m sure that was an exciting bit of the night for him.

MasterDoc got another taker for the sybian and he gave a ride to another lady while her man held her up, and held her arms behind her back (oooh, restraint during intense orgasms! Me want!). DeeDee and I sat with the submissive man and discussed the progression that goes on during a sybian ride. It starts of seeming like nothing much, soon the woman is bucking her hips and riding the machine. Then it keeps intensifying and after a variable period of time she comes. Screaming orgasms. It may back off a little – partly because the body needs a break and partly because MasterDoc will turn down the vibrations a bit, but when he turns them back up another amazing orgasm is wrenched from her body. It is amazing and hot to watch. I think it’s even more so when you’ve been on a sybian yourself and you know the stages and how it feels.

The party host had a lady of his get a ride and didn’t let her come. Meanie! DeeDee and I were appalled and so thankful that MasterDoc isn’t into prolonged orgasm denial. Neither of us would be able to handle it. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to do, just not something that makes any sense whatsoever for me.

DeeDee wanted a sybian ride, so when MasterDoc looked around for more victims, er, volunteers I pointed to DeeDee to get his attention. Like I said earlier, the sub guy held her panties and while he fiddled with them a little he didn’t do anything creepy with them. It’s a shame he’s not more DeeDee’s type since he was quite nice, but I can see that a relationship wouldn’t really work with them. They’re not on the same page otherwise. DeeDee is really smart and educated, and she needs a man who can stimulate her intellectually.

MasterDoc hadn’t slept well the night before, and he decided to lay down on the couch and take a nap. He looked so cute sleeping there. There are times when you can still see the little boy inside the man and it’s incredibly endearing. DeeDee and I talked while MasterDoc napped.

Leaving was difficult since the party host wanted the sybian to stay around as long as possible, but I had worked that day and was pretty damn tired by 2 a.m. We were all ready to go home so we managed to say our goodbyes. The submissive guy happily carried the sybian out for us while MasterDoc pulled the car around.

I was in a much better mood after last night, and today, while I’m still feeling moody, I feel in relative control over myself. This is a good thing. MasterDoc had to go out in the morning for a while, and DeeDee and I just talked and talked for a few hours. As I tweeted at that time, life is good.

Pain and Healing

Published on March 4, 2010 in D/s, Uncategorized, anxiety, bdsm, depression, emotions, happy, kink, masochism, needle play, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, pillow princess, sex toys, shio, squirting and wartenburg wheel. 3 Comments

For my twitter followers, it’s no news that I’ve been dealing with some severe PMS lately (may even be PMDD). The week before my period I experience mood swings, depression, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, fatigue, increased appetite, and considering I suffer from clinical depression already, this turns into one roller coaster of a hellish week for me and many of those around me. However, MasterDoc has been working with me to try to figure out ways we can head it off or treat it in some way. The obvious answer is that I should go to my gynecologist and possibly be put on hormonal birth control. But beyond that, there’s something we can do to diminish the effects of PMS – BDSM. (It takes an acronym to fight an acronym.)

I put in a special request for him to use the new Wartenberg wheel I purchased recently, and needles as well.  I could tell I needed something even more endorphin-triggering than a spanking. I also needed cuddles, which he administered right away when I got to his place.

I had never played with the wheel before – although sometime in my earlier life I’m sure it was used on me medically to test nerve reactions. He ran the wheel and its sharp pins over my naked body. The sensation made me jump and giggle. It felt like tickle, but also like pain and finally it sometimes felt like little electric shocks running over my body. It turned me on surprisingly well and fast. That intense melange of sensations immediately woke up my senses. I felt the insistent swell of my labia as I became aroused. I was surprised at how easily it worked for me, but as MasterDoc later pointed out he had taken the time to do a little foreplay before that. I don’t remember what came before, however, just what came after.

He slapped my inner thighs, always the most painful part of my body to have slapped. Being slapped on the pussy can hurt a great deal too, but I think the skin on my thighs is just too thin and sensitive. He took an alcohol swab, cleaned up an area of my inner thigh and took in the expression on my face when I realized he was going to stick me in such a sensitive spot. I was nervous. A little bit freaked out even. But he slid one needle into my thigh, and the pain lasted only a second while it penetrated the skin. Following the needle stick was an amazing endorphin rush. Everything around me faded away, and I could feel this “whoosh” of chemicals flood my body. It felt like I’d imagine shooting heroin to feel. It was like shooting up drugs, only there were no drugs on or going through the needle. It was purely a brand new hypodermic needle – no syringe – fresh out of the package. Fuck. It was amazing.

He did a second needle, which hurt a little more than the first, but it produced another rush. I think I’ve found a new favorite way to get an endorphin high.

With the needles in place, he pressed on them a little and I welcomed the slight pain. He used the magic wand on my clit and drove me completely fucking crazy. He pressed it hard into my clit, unrelenting for the most part (kinda like I tend to do when I use the wand on another woman). I moaned, partly with pleasure, partly with desperation to come. I was worried that he’d manage to make me come without me getting permission first. I finally gave in and begged when he dragged it out and he still didn’t tell me to come.  After a little more teasing, he gave me permission. The endorphins already released through my body enhanced the orgasms I had. My eyes bugged out one moment as I gasped for air. The next minute they were shut tight as I blabbered some nonsensical noises and combinations of “oh god” and “oh fuck.” My right hand grabbed at MasterDoc’s back and his hair. He had me take the wand over, and he used my Ella dildo. He fucked me with it hard and I kept the wand on my clit. I came for what felt like 10 minutes. It probably wasn’t that long, but it seemed to go on forever. If all the women of the world could feel this way at least once a week we’d have a world full of happy women. Heck, once a month would be an improvement for many women. I was surprised how long he made me come, but with lessening my depression as a goal, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. After, I was wiped out and very, very satisfied. A puddle of come had accumulated under me.

I was also very happy. And the next day, and the day after, I wasn’t depressed any more. I still had some PMS symptoms to deal with, but damn, if that didn’t cure my depression.

I’m a very lucky girl.

MasterDoc’s depression cure works again!

Mood Swings

Published on February 16, 2010 in anxiety, bdsm, crazy, depression, derangement, edge play, emotions, kink, masochism, mental illness, sex, sex toys and stress. 5 Comments

It’s hard dealing with mental illness. I suffer from depression and when it hits it makes everything seem terrible and insurmountable. When it passes, I think, “How silly that I was THAT worked up.” In the meantime, I’ve quite possibly put MasterDoc or Davey through hell. Thankfully, they both love me and understand that I can’t really control the depression. Doesn’t make it any easier for them to deal with it though. It’s also not fun for me either.

Yesterday was one of those days. I seem to be having more of them than usual lately. I plan to talk to my shrink about medication, because perhaps the regimen I’ve been on for a few years now isn’t working as well.

In a fit of pique, I declared on twitter that I was giving up sex. I’m sure people reading that knew it wouldn’t stick. By the time the day was over I had sex with MasterDoc (entirely of my choosing) and orgasms helped settle me. We’re working on ways to help head off these bouts via beatings (endorphins help), medication, orgasms, and anything else that might help level off or lift my mood. Unfortunately I was a teary, angry mess yesterday before things could be headed off. When I started to gain perspective on the situation (“Oh, I see! This is depression speaking and making everything seem so irreparably terrible!”) cuddles helped a great deal. I cried a lot, started getting depressed about having been depressed (not to mention having been so harsh to MasterDoc). MasterDoc and I laughed about that a bit – the whole getting depressed because I get depressed. It’s silly I know, but I do feel terrible guilt for being difficult when I’m depressed.

I appreciate all the support from my twitter and facebook friends as I rode through the turmoil yesterday. It’s wonderful that people I don’t even really know will offer words of encouragement and support.

That’s why I didn’t get around to blogging about my Sunday evening in with MasterDoc. It was a bumpy night in a way – there was sex, a break, MasterDoc not really feeling like doing a lot but meanwhile I was craving a long night of hard, rough sex. (Been watching too much rough sex porn lately.) He decided that he wanted to come, and we played with ourselves while watching porn. He was going to come on me but the spurts didn’t quite make it to my hip that was laying beside him. I used the magic wand on myself and thankfully MasterDoc gave me a little of what I was craving then. Hand on throat, slapped thighs, I begged him to hurt me. The roughness made me come so much harder than I would have with the magic wand alone.

I can’t wait to try more rough stuff with him.