Archive for the 'dating' Category

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Random Ramblings

Published on January 2, 2011 in anxiety, bdsm, blow jobs, consensual non-consent, D/s, dating, depression, kink, musings, non-monogamy, orgasm on command, poly, porn, sex, shio, slut, squirting, submissive, threesome and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

I’ve struggled with depression and loneliness (and neediness) lately. (Not that this is anything new.) I got to see MasterDoc Thursday night through Sunday morning after not seeing him for a few days. I cherish my time alone with him (although I really like hanging out with DeeDee, too). I’ve felt a bit down lately about how everyone close to me (MasterDoc, DeeDee, some friends) is truly living the poly life and having fun and relationships with a few different people. I do date Blondie as well, but she’s been away and busy over the holidays. I feel bummed about going days without intimacy or physical affection (orgasms are nice too).

I read Colette’s novel Cheri recently (and The Last of Cheri) and was intrigued with the older courtesan, Lea, having an affair with the young, vain and terribly handsome Cheri. It was the sort of relationship where she taught him the arts of the boudoir, they enjoyed each others company, but knew it was never meant to last forever. I think that’s something I’d like for myself. The man needn’t be young. Experience is more desirable to me than inexperience. I don’t want a relationship that takes a lot of time and effort. I want a companion to spend time with once a week or so. I want mutual affection but not a romance.

Of course even this sort of deal requires some effort.

I think I also feel lonely lately because the chasm between my being a frequent visitor at MasterDoc’s, but not being someone who actually lives there, seems to be opening up even more for me. It’s not easy having chores at his place (AND chores at my place) but not having a bedroom that I can really consider the one I sleep in. I’m partial to the playroom because I like the bed and the fact there’s a bedside table for me there, but as it’s the playroom I can’t just make that my space while I’m there. I have a few drawers with some things in it in that room, but I don’t really have a “place.” And if I’m not scheduled to hang out with MasterDoc I feel like I’ve overstayed my welcome if I hang out. I used to feel welcome all the time in his place.

I like my apartment. I like having a place to keep just as I want it, a place to decorate as I wish. But it can be horribly lonely sometimes. I’m one of those strangest of people – an introvert who doesn’t like being alone too much. I like spending time alone with others in the house. My “time alone” happens in my head when I’m not interrupted.

But the past few days I’ve been at MasterDoc’s and I haven’t been alone. He was sick with a cold when I got there, so I felt bummed that while he saw another lady the night before (I think) and DeeDee was having very audible fun with her other gentleman, that I hadn’t had anything for days and didn’t look likely to get anything from my sick and tired Dom. I find lately that even though I’m still very horny, I crave the physical affection and touch more than anything. By the next day MasterDoc was feeling a bit better. We got some alone time and he gave me marvelous orgasms.

I’m blanking out on the details, but I know it felt good. The next morning I felt a bit sore down there – not sure why I’m feeling inflamed since I can’t recall exactly what we did (I think thrusting fingers played a part), but it’s an ok kinda sore. The following night, DeeDee went out to play with our friend S and one of her guys. We put on (at my suggestion for once) theupperfloor.com and watched a couple of videos as we had dinner and started getting things moving on the couch. He took me into the bedroom and had me get ready for his cock immediately. I got laid for the first time in days. Whoo hoo! But then my irritated vag couldn’t take it and we had to stop. MasterDoc improvised and make me come til I was exhausted by rubbing my upper labia and clit, giving the vaginal opening a break. I got to suck his cock, which I love, and I keep hoping he’ll come on my face one day.

He’s tried making me come until I pass out, but it seems like I’m more of the collapsing type. It’s something else when he pushes me and pushes me, and I think that I just can’t come any more but he keeps up the stimulation and I come again. And again. I’m helpless under his hands. He’s doing a lot of this lately.

I’ve been getting itchy to try role play. Or a scene with more formalized D/s behavior and theme. I want to be taken roughly. I want that gangbang I’ve been promised.

But I’m the submissive, and while my wants do get taken into consideration, it’s not always about me. When our friend S visited, MasterDoc got her and I cuddling on either side of him on the bed in the playroom. He told us he wanted us to both suck his cock, and he had me start. It was lots of fun to watch his face while S blew him. He was clearly feeling good, and I like when he feels good.

Of Threesomes, Masturbation and Friends with Benefits

Published on November 15, 2010 in anxiety, bdsm, bisexuality, D/s, dating, DeeDee, libido, masturbation, musings, non-monogamy, poly, saajan, sex, sexuality, slut, submissive, threesome and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

As I dried off from my shower this evening, I could hear the rhythmic sounds of DeeDee getting a spanking from MasterDoc in the playroom. As you would expect in a poly household, there are times when she and MasterDoc have time alone, times when I have time alone with him, and time that we spend together (or completely on our own). Time spent alone with MasterDoc in the playroom means cuddles at minimum (and some spot worship (see para. 5 of that post), but usually orgasms, or a beating, or a good fucking or any combination thereof with things like nipple clamps, hot wax, needles, and the like thrown in sometimes for variety.

MasterDoc also uses those moments of post-orgasmic glow to address any concerns he has about your behavior as a sub. My latest lecture was how I need to be agreeable to threesomes with him and DeeDee (or any other woman for that matter) – not doing so is not an option. And I’ve been trying to sort out why over time I’ve gotten to feel uncomfortable with threesomes with MasterDoc and DeeDee. When DeeDee was new I was more able to play my part and not have any hang ups. But since becoming good friends, and her living at MasterDoc’s, I’ve come to feel awkward. Moody. Odd. I think it’s because DeeDee is, in my mind, a friend of mine and not a lover. I love her as one loves someone dear to you, but I feel strange getting into sexual situation with her there. I dunno. I also find that my insecurities are so great that if he’s paying attention to her first, I worry that I’m going to be left out completely. I tell you, threesomes are not all they’re cracked up to be. They can be hot, but sometimes one of you gets stuck diddling yourself in the corner while the real action goes on between the other two. I realize that for many that’s hot in and of itself, but I seldom diddle myself even when I’m alone these days. (That’s a contemplation for another paragraph.)

I don’t know that I have the answer, but apparently I have to find it. I do understand that sometimes a perk of being a polyamorous Dom should be getting pleasured by more than one of your subs at a time. When we’re both busy with him I suppose it’s not a bad thing as I enjoy making him feel good. Do any sub-types reading this have suggestions on getting into sexual situations (that you’d rather not get into) because your dominant orders you to? And do any of you have an idea on how to play with your dominant’s ass while he fucks someone else? The butt clenching that comes with fucking makes it pretty friggin impossible to get my fingers in there.

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Masturbation is something I did at an early age (I had my first orgasm before leaving elementary school) and did often when I was in high school. In the college dorm I got fewer opportunities, and once I was working full time I found I just didn’t have the energy to masturbate as often. With regular sex in my life, I’ve had even less interest in masturbation. A few weeks ago MasterDoc ordered me to masturbate at least once a week (preferably twice) and report back to him on it. The first two weeks I managed to remember and report in on the one time I did it each week. Last week I totally forgot. I often intend to masturbate as I’m horny a lot, but I put it off so I can do things like blog, watch a dvd, play a game on my phone. By the time I put all that away and get to bed I’m too drowsy to rub one out.

I find that I’m generally horny at the most inopportune times – like at work. Or when I have stuff to get gone at my place or MasterDoc’s. I’m already dedicated to carving out time for exercise again, so finding time for one more thing seems like too much. I don’t think I could ever have imagined that I could think of masturbation as too much work. I find that getting worked up is difficult by myself these days (not always, but often enough). Plus with the mind blowing orgasms I have with MasterDoc, why wouldn’t I prefer that? And if it seems like sex isn’t in the cards that night I think I subconsciously shut my horniness down.

Also let’s face it, sex by myself isn’t as interesting as with a partner.

I’ve kept my feelers out for more lovers to spend time with, but I spend a lot of time at MasterDoc’s and prefer it that way. I’m happy to be seeing Blondie, and for a while I was seeking a friend with benefits on a dating site but I got fed up with constant emails from guys I was totally uninterested in. Today I chatted up my old friend Saajan online. If you ever read my first blog he featured in it often. While I was in graduate school he and I were pretty regular friends with benefits. We fucked a few times after I moved in with Davey, and he came to my birthday gang bang a few years ago, but we’ve mainly lost touch. Since he is my idea of the ideal friend with benefits I decided to say hello. Why is he ideal? Well he’s extremely smart, funny, nice and someone I enjoy spending even non-sexual time with – but there has never been even the whiff of romance between us. He can fuck like a jack-hammer and is aggressive in bed. He’s the first man who made me squirt.

I don’t have a date set for a fuck with him but he was up for it. He just may be the extra cock I’m searching for right now. The orgasms won’t have the blinding quality I get with MasterDoc – orgasms with MD are kinda like an old television losing reception – my brain goes totally fuzzy and I lose all ability… to do anything really, other than come that is. I’ve gotten spoiled.

Weekend Update

Published on November 8, 2010 in bdsm, bisexuality, D/s, dating, horny, lesbian, non-monogamy, orgasm on command, porn, sex, shio, squirting and Uncategorized. 2 Comments

I guess feeling burnt out can come with anything, even something that you love to do. I’m feeling like I need a break from blogging, but I’m not sure if that is what’s needed or how long I would take. I do have reviews to get done and to be honest I’d miss having an account of the things I get up to. I don’t know if I’m going to take a break, or perhaps post less often. For now the posts may be condensed and less detailed. We shall see.

This weekend I got to see Blondie. We met up in Harlem and had dinner at the world famous Sylvia’s restaurant. The food was delicious. I had fried chicken, collard greens (best ones I’ve ever had), and garlic mashed potatotes. Hardly diet food but sometimes a girl has to splurge. We were at a loss as to what to do next since it was cold and getting dark (and neither of us know what there’s to do in the neighborhood). As we were saying goodbye at the subway station, the idea for her to accompany me back to my place came up. Hooray! We took the subway and bus to my place and she told me it was fine if I wanted to watch an episode of the tv show I have out on DVD at the moment. She offered a neck rub and being a glutton for touch I took that offer. We cuddled a bit and after the show she took initiative (I’m starting to feel bad that she’s always the one to start things. Why am I such a tool?) to straddle me on the sofa and make out. Rowr. She wanted to make me come and I got the Hitachi out, but also spotted my Soraya when I got up to get the lube. She used that toy on me and made me come – I squirted which thrilled her but it wasn’t apparent how much until I moved later and we saw the huge wet spot on the throe.

She asked if I’d use the Hitachi on her and I gladly obliged. I made her scream, I made her feel good – but still I haven’t made her come. I’m trying to not get down about this since it’s not always easy for women to come, particularly with new partners. But I like making people come so it’s something I hope I get to rectify sooner rather than later. I will just have to be patient.

The following night I had time alone with MasterDoc, which was wonderful after not seeing him for nearly a week. We got naked and fooled around of course! After a warm up of cane taps on my inner thighs and cunt, he made me come just through a mental connection as usual, but thankfully then prolonged the orgasm through fingering the hell out of me. I was so horny that I was practically crawling all over him whenever I got the chance. I toyed with his “spot” on his chest and he became quite horny from that. I kept desperately wanting him to fuck me. I kept debating – would asking him to fuck me be totally hot or would he feel pressured in some way? I was relieved when he decided of his own accord to fuck me. He enjoyed some porn from theupperfloor.com of forced exercise and a slave scrubbing the floor. Yikes. The forced exercise was so painful for me to watch that I hid behind his back on the bed and cuddled up next to him. I ignored the porn while he later fucked me. But he made me come over and over – at least three prolonged times. He was exhausting me as he does lately and I love being pushed to the point where I don’t think I can keep coming because my body is giving out, but then he makes me come for a while longer anyway! He can make me aroused or come at will. He really is that good. I don’t think anyone has ever made me feel as aroused – or alive – as he has.

When It Rains, It Pours

Published on October 31, 2010 in attraction, bdsm, bisexuality, blow jobs, caning, cunt, D/s, dating, exhibitionism, flogging, humiliation play, kink, lesbian, masochism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, sadism, sex, sex parties, sex toys, shio, spanking, squirting, submissive, sybian and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

I have to catch up here. I had some fun this week and haven’t posted about it yet!

Tuesday night I had alone with MasterDoc. It was the first time I’d had cock in a while and I was so ready for it. My muscles were tired (legs and arms in particular) from getting back to exercising, so I had to fight muscle fatigue while being fucked. I lay over the Liberator Axis, putting as much of my weight on it as possible. He fucked me hard enough to make me squirt and fucked me til I was exhausted. I collapsed over the axis, so very tired but also so very satisfied.

Luckily I was less tired when MasterDoc and I went to a kink party later in the week. It was one of those fabulous parties held by Sofija‘s former (?) Dom. The “Dom Arms Race” as MasterDoc calls it continues, with MasterDoc providing the sybian, the guy with the fucking machine providing that and another guy providing a spanking machine. Of course MasterDoc decided I would be a guinea pig for it. I stood where the guy told me to and the plexiglass paddle swung out via hydraulics when MasterDoc pushed the button. I have to be honest, it was pretty lame. It barely hurt. MasterDoc tried it a few times, but the consensus was that an actual spanking was far superior.

We had set up the sybian in the back of the party on a mat the host provided for us. MasterDoc did his best to charm the ladies into taking rides, but as usual there’s a lot of hesitancy until someone has demonstrated.

MasterDoc had me lean over a chair with my dress hiked up (it could only go as far as my leather waist cincher). He gave my ass a good going over with hands, crop, cane and flogger. I was delighted that the spanking went on for quite a while – he’s been pushing my limits lately. He’d also play with my cunt every now and then but didn’t bring me to orgasm. I was horny to begin with, and super horny after. My ass was quite sore after the crop, cane, flogger and his hands. He had me suck his cock and he fucked my mouth with it. I could tell he was enjoying having an audience as he so often does. I got into it too and rubbed his cock over my face, peering up at him as he stood over me. I do like me a rough, messy blow job these days.

We wandered the party a bit, and I whispered in his ear how horny I was. He pulled me close for a kiss and I swooned. Since I was so horny, he decided I’d be first to ride the sybian (as I often am). I came in the way that only horsepower can cause. I screamed, repeatedly. It felt amazing! He seemed to try to bury my head in his shoulder a bit to muffle my delighted screams. I could feel the squirt coming out of my cunt a few times and the liquid would roll past my thighs down the curved sides of the sybian. When we finished and I climbed off, I was surprised to not see much come on the mat. A bit later, however, we moved the sybian and there was a huge circle of girl come underneath. (!)

I lay on the mat resting and MasterDoc brought me some soda. “Guess who’s here?” he asked. I shook my head like I had no idea and then he told me Blondie was there. “Oh cool!” With a date. “Oh probably one of the subs she proDommes.” Her date is a woman. “Oh.” I had a momentary twinge of jealousy but then I moved on. It’s not like I don’t know she dates others (as do I!). It was lovely to see her unexpectedly. Her friend was very cool. What could have been awkward worked itself out and was quite pleasant. I watched Blondie tie up a guy, crop him, etc. As she did so she would bend over in the very short dress she was wearing. MasterDoc and I stared at her ass. MasterDoc hit it off with her friend, but of course it turned out she’s a lesbian.

As I waited outside the ladies’ room to wash off the sybian attachment, I ran into Sofija. I wondered if that could get awkward – the woman I’m actively dating and one I’ve had a long flirtation with in the same place. Sofija sexily took hold of the ring on my collar and apologized for being too busy to get together with me. She asked if I forgave her for it. I got a goofy grin on my face and my brain turned to mush. Of course I told her I wasn’t mad at her. She looked smokin’ hot. She’s tall, very curvy, her large boobs always out and available during these parties. She has curvy hips, curvy butt. Curves in all the right places. I took the liberty of playing with her tits a tiny bit. She leaned in and kissed me before moving on to her next flirtation.

After a bit, Sofija showed up by the sybian and had me hold her drink so she could get a ride. MasterDoc had me play with her during the ride and I caressed her thighs, her bountiful tits, her ass. Rowr. Just as she was worn out her (former? the current relationship isn’t clear) Dom made her get on again and come some more.

Blondie’s friend got a horsey ride and Blondie helped. She put a blindfold on her and, secured her arms behind her back. MasterDoc says it’s interesting giving sybian rides to lesbians, as they are very hesitant to lean forward onto him for support. I enjoyed watching the ride although her friend was conspicuously quiet. I don’t know that she came, but she did call the experience awesome.

Blondie and her friend didn’t play together, I’m not sure if that had anything to do with me being there or if they just came to the party as companions. Blondie stated early on that she wanted to beat some male ass pretty hard that night. She got the chance a couple of times. I could see her through the windowed room feeding baby food to the adult baby who comes to these parties. Later, I saw her giving him a firm “bare-hand” (with glove) spanking.

MasterDoc wanted me to try the fucking machine again. It didn’t work properly last time. I was strapped into massage chair set up like a gynecologist’s chair. MasterDoc applied lube and the large dildo was inserted. Mostly the machine hurt. It poked my cervix. I hated it. Of course, not being turned on worked against me. Perhaps if I had been ravenously horny I would have felt differently? I later described the experience as being “less fun than a gynecologist visit.”

As MasterDoc gave another sybian ride or two, I got to chat with Blondie a bit. She asked if I minded her reading this blog and I pointed out that I’m quite used to people reading the blog. Since it’s public and she knows about it, I’d expect that she might read it. I try to be kind to people on here (and have nothing bad to say about her anyway). I have no reason to be a bully. The only person I truly talk badly about here is the asshole who sexually assaulted me.

It was getting late, and I was growing tired. When I said goodbye to Sofija she said she really needs to get together with me as I’m so sexy. Rowr! We shared a lovely kiss goodbye.

MasterDoc and I gave Blondie a ride to the subway. She gave MasterDoc a hug from the backseat as she said goodbye, and gave me a kiss on the lips.

The following day, there was proof of “when it rains, it pours.” Stacina, who I had flirted with months ago and kept getting thwarted in fooling around with her when she came over to MasterDoc’s, joined us for lunch as she’s no longer engaged. I got a nice kiss on the lips hello, but otherwise the afternoon was quite chaste. She had back and pain issues so she wasn’t feeling up to MasterDoc’s seduction. Pity. But it was nice to hang out with her again. Suddenly the women I’ve been interested in have reappeared!

I Love Pussy

Published on October 25, 2010 in bisexuality, cunt, dating, lesbian, non-monogamy, poly, sex, squirting and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

I had Blondie over Sunday night and since she has studied massage therapy and I was totally sore from pulling something during yoga over the weekend, I asked her for a massage. This wasn’t merely a ruse to get her to touch me. I think by now physical contact is a given between us. But I do I like her touching me.

She worried that her hands tend to be too hard for some people. I have to say her massaging was less intense than MasterDoc’s. (Considering his meaty hands, this is no surprise.) She knew what to do so well. She worked out the kinks in my neck and shoulder using some strawberry Body Butter. I had coyly taken off my shirt but only undone my bra so she could get at my back. I smelled wonderfully of strawberry, a scent we both loved. Next she massaged my arms and hands as I sat topless on the sofa. She’d throw in an occasional nipple graze which brought grins to both our faces.

She leaned in and we started making out. This lady is a good kisser and I enjoyed the languorous kisses, her tongue sweeping against mine over and over. She sat up and tugged a little at the yoga pants I wore. I slid them off without any more encouragement. “It’s just so hard to get me naked,” I joked. She laughed at this.

She sat herself between my legs and pressed her pelvis against my pubic mound as we kissed some more. My hips would buck upwards eagerly seeking more pressure. She sucked on my nipples, toying with them with her tongue. I had the thought, “Why isn’t everyone bisexual? Men are sexy. Women are sexy. It’s all good!” (I do understand that orientation is not chosen, but inborn.)

Before things moved on I put down the throe so I don’t ruin my new sofa. I offered gloves to her as she is really into safer sex. But this time she went without them. When explained that the throe was in case I squirted she said, “That’s kinda hot actually.” She was keen to make me squirt, but alas I didn’t. (It’s so sporadic.) But she did make me come, and come and come. I’m truly lucky that it’s fairly easy to make me come. At one point she said she wanted to make me come – I had already come a few times by then! She grinned widely at this. She’s happy that I like penetration. (She does too. Some women don’t.) Her fingers played with my cunt for the longest time. She was going to keep going until I was too tired. This went on for a while because I certainly have sexual stamina. I came many times as her hands probed my g-spot. I was really hoping to squirt since she was eager to cause it, but perhaps my massive squirting that afternoon left me without any more female come for the day.

There was a little intermission of sorts where we ended up talking for a bit. Then I reached for her legs. (I had gotten her to take off pants and sweater moments before.) I started playing with her, kissing her leg, massaging her thighs. I reached under her cute panties to massage her clit.

I got her to take her panties off so I could get a better view of things. This was actually the first time I’d seen her pussy. I lubed up my fingers and played with her clit. I slid one finger into her, then two. While I’ve played with a woman’s pussy before (many times) perhaps because I genuinely like this woman and feel a connection I marveled at how amazing it was. Female genitalia rocks. I’m so glad I eventually moved past the terrible cultural propaganda we’re all faced with. (Douche commercials, asking if you feel “not so fresh” as if your pussy has gone stale.) It’s a cultural meme that vaginas smell bad and are dirty in some way. I wish to strongly disagree. She mentioned feeling self-conscious since she had showered first thing in the morning and then ran around all day. I reassured her. After all, her cunt was soft and delicate while also wanting to be manipulated hard. For years I associated the smell of pussy with negativity – last night that was thoroughly erased. She couldn’t have smelled better. I fingered her for a long time, asking for her feedback. I could feel her cunt get wetter as her moans became more frequent. It felt good to finger fuck her and play with her clit. She asked me to put in a third finger and I did – using my thumb and pinky to press her outer labia against her clit as my middle three fingers sank in and curled up to stroke her g-spot (or at least try to!). It seemed she came close to coming one time (I loved the moans!), but an orgasm was not to be. I didn’t take it personally. I do hope I was doing a good job, but I’m willing to practice til I get it right. I know enough about sex to know that sometimes it’s hard for a woman to come, particularly with someone new.

I had work the next day and she headed out to catch the bus back to the subway. We kissed goodbye a few times. Hopefully I’ll see her again soon.

National Coming Out Day

Published on October 11, 2010 in attraction, bisexuality, dating, emotions, lesbian, musings, sex, sexuality and Uncategorized. 2 Comments

Today is National Coming Out Day in the U.S.

I’m not in a place where I feel comfortable putting my face and name here. I long to, but I understand the reality of needing a steady job. Instead, today I want to talk about accepting myself as bisexual (or pansexual) – fully, not in name only.

Last night I spent the evening with Blondie. She came over my place to watch movies (although I think we all know that such a plan is mostly an excuse to get together with someone). We only vaguely started La Dolce Vita and then later Coco Before Chanel. Both times we ended up talking or she initiated some cuddling and kissing. I still have such trouble initiating, which takes things to an absurd extreme considering a few weeks ago she fingered me to orgasm at a play party. If she wasn’t one to take the initiative, we would have just sat side by side on my sofa for hours.

I’ve written here before about the idea that I probably have some internal homophobia that goes on. I find that I was socialized for so many years to be just friends with women, that I have trouble acting like (and thinking that) I’m dating a woman. I’ve known for a very long time that I like women in pretty much the same way I like men – sexually and romantically. I first embraced the bisexual identity about 10 years ago when I stopped thinking, “Oh I like fantasizing about women, but I don’t think I want to actually do anything.” and had an epiphany that I really do like women. And yes, I want to date them, kiss them, make love to them, fuck them silly – just like I like doing with men. (In more recent years I’ve started opening myself up more to different gender representations, such as the crush I had on a wonderfully androgynous woman I sorta kinda dated briefly. And I’ve discovered that I like transmen. I have yet to become intimate with a transman, but the desire is there.)

It was lovely last night – she positioned herself so her legs were over my lap, and we would both caress whatever body parts were in reach now and then while we watched one of the movies. She asked if it was okay if she sat like that, and thankfully I can at least say, “Yes, I like this,” and articulate that her advances were not unwanted in the least. There have been women I’ve been “involved” with over the past 10 years who were just sexual playmates, but I find with Blondie that the experience is much fuller. I’m hot for her, for sure, and think it’s sexy and bold that she’s done a lot of porn in the past. But I also find her to be smart, fun to talk to, pretty and wonderful to cuddle with. She’s not just a porn actress to me, I like knowing her in her role as mother of two young children, or as someone who has studied Chinese medicine.

Thanks to her, things progressed and lots of touching, kissing, cuddling moved on to clothes coming off and nipples being sucked. (I love her nipples by the way.) While my intellectual brain sees nothing wrong with same-sex relationships, I think there’s a small part of me that has to check in with myself constantly to reassure myself that there’s nothing wrong with feeling desire for a woman and acting on it. I want to blame the Catholic church for this, as that’s how I was raised and I’m sure it has had an impact on me despite my renouncing religious faith of all kinds in my life.

Touching her, and being touched, was wonderful. She shyly checked in to see if I minded all the caressing, and I pointed out that I am a glutton for touch. I massaged her clit through her adorable new leopard print undies. She pulled mine down a bit and kissed and licked near my “landing strip” of pubic hair. Things didn’t progress into full-on sex as I was remiss in making sure I had gloves around. She prefers going the safer sex route even though she admits that the chances of transmitting infection via manual stimulation are pretty low. While I find that manual stimulation with bare hands to be an acceptable level of risk (for me), I can completely respect her wishes to use gloves. Hey, no glove, no love! So while there was teasing, tantalizing and lots of glorious foreplay, we didn’t fuck. I didn’t mind. I would have loved to fuck her, but spending time with her and being affectionate was really enough to make me happy.

But of course I will be sure to get some gloves for my place. *grin*

So I declare, on this National Coming Out Day, that I am dating a woman and am truly happy that I’m doing so. I identify as pansexual these days as bisexual just reinforces the whole gender binary thing (which isn’t really accurate). I like Blondie a great deal, and hope that things will continue to develop between us.

My coming out here isn’t really a revelation for my readers. I’ve been openly pansexual, kinky, poly and slutty for a long time here. But I needed to stand up and declare for myself that I am who I am, and who I am is just fine.

Aren’t all Second Dates at Swing Clubs?

Published on September 26, 2010 in attraction, bdsm, bisexuality, bondage, D/s, dating, DeeDee, kink, masochism, musings, non-monogamy, orgasm on command, porn, restraints, sadism, sex, sex parties, shio, slut, spanking, squirting, submissive, swinging and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Friday night I met up with Blondie, my date from a couple of weeks ago, while out at the swing club with MasterDoc and DeeDee. Yes, I know that’s an odd thing to invite someone to on a second date, but well that’s the kind of perv I am. Sometimes I think I have no sense of how the “regular,” non-kinky world operates – or that others may or may not understand my way of doing things. Ultimately I think it’s best to be me and see how the other person reacts. I want to be with someone who can handle my lifestyle.

I’ve gradually been introduced to my date’s sexy past. On our first date she mentioned shyly having been a sex surrogate. I’m sure my completely mellow and positive reaction to that has helped move along the level of things she feels comfortable telling me. I knew about the pro-Domme work by the end of the first date, but didn’t catch the porn work until the second one. I’m sure there’s plenty of people out there who would be freaked out by these things, but personally I think they’re utterly cool and sexually very hot. While I had looked at her myspace page, I didn’t notice porn info (but when she mentioned doing porn for the first time around me she thought I probably already knew from her page). I had known she did fetish modeling though. So dribs and drabs have some out in a short space of time. I can totally understand the gradual revealing of information – I want to be open about who I am and what I like to get up to, but I worry about judgment. So I have to toss a few things out there and see how they go. If they go well I can toss a few more out there.

So far anything we’ve each thrown out there has seemed to go well. After all a pervy sex blogger has much in common with a fetish porn actress. (Oh yes, she not only did “straight” porn, she’s also done fetish. HAWT!) I woke up Saturday morning to MasterDoc and DeeDee looking up her porn online, and seeing the kinky stuff she’s done makes me feel really happy and comfortable being a perv around her. This isn’t the first time I’ve fooled around with a porn actress, but it is the first time I’m dating one I suppose.

At the same time, I don’t want her to feel like sex is the only thing I’m after. She took a break from porn so her life has been different in the past few years. As much as I love hot sex and think she and I could have a ton of fun together, I am also happy to go at her pace should it happen to be slower than mine currently. I like her. I feel there’s time for things to develop. Perhaps the most amazing thing for me is the fact that I feel reasonably confident she likes me. Usually I can’t believe the other woman is into me. I suppose my self-esteem is finally at a point where, while some nerves and fear of rejection remain, I can also sit back and say, “She acts like she likes me. And why shouldn’t she?” Having an open mind that the other person could like you helps immeasurably. I’ve probably done more self-sabotage with women by refusing to believe they could possibly like me. (Sad, I know.)

Feminist perv that I am, I don’t assume that just because she’s done kinky shit she would necessarily want to do the same right away with me. I don’t take it personally that she likes to use gloves when first sleeping with someone new. I see it as a smart safer sex precaution. It’s more precaution than I feel is necessary for my own peace of mind, but the whole point of risk assessment is deciding what level of risk works for you. I can’t decide anyone else’s level of acceptable risk.

So after that long-winded intro, I suppose I should talk about Friday night.

Blondie was delayed, so she doesn’t come into the story until a little later. I hung out at the club with MasterDoc and DeeDee. He had us take turns sucking his cock right there in the open as usual. It’s cute to see how much he loves showing off the hot sex he has on tap from TWO women. He’s not someone you’d guess that about at first glance. But his confidence is alluring. And then you see his big cock. And then you discover his incredible skill in bed. And you figure out that he’s a highly intelligent man who is also a huge pervert – AND has a sense of humor. I really didn’t stand a chance when I met him, did I?

I started getting nervous that she hadn’t shown up. I’m still in that stage where my fragile ego is convinced I’ll get rejected. Thankfully, MasterDoc took me off into the back room and did some play to get my mind off things.

We actually brought my wrist and ankle cuffs for once (we have often meant to) and he attached me to the St. Andrew’s cross with DeeDee’s assistance. I had on my bra, fishnet stockings and garter belt, but had taken off my dress – and not worn panties in the first place. He spanked me, hitting me pretty hard. I found myself in a decidedly masochistic mood. He flogged me, used the riding crop on me. He flogged my butt and my upper back. I loved the pain, I loved the sense of him being in control. The crowd that night seemed less kink-savvy than it is some nights, but I blocked the crowd out and let myself get into the flogging. He started playing with my cunt, and shortly he told me to come. Fuuuuuck. It’s hard to come while holding yourself in a standing position. Oh yeah I’m technically held up by wrist cuffs, but I can’t really place my whole weight on that. So I had this struggle of “oh god that feels good, I’m coming!” mixed with “ow, my body is getting really tired from trying to hold myself up.” I think I squirted a tiny bit but it was interrupted by needing to support myself. I prefer coming when I can just lose myself to the orgasm and not have to worry about holding myself up.

I rested a bit after, thinking that I really need to get into shape. I talked to DeeDee about her latest job prospects when MasterDoc went off to use the bathroom. The three of us were back in the socializing area when Blondie showed up. I was glad to see her. I’m trying to find the right balance of excitement over meeting someone new I like, and expressing that I like her, without seeming too intense. I don’t know yet if this will be a romance, or play partners, or what have you. And being poly and already in a stable relationship I find it much easier to relax and see where life takes me. For now, I enjoy her company, I’m hot for her and want to keep getting together. The last thing I want to seem like is that old U-Haul joke (you know, the one that goes, “What does a lesbian bring to a second date?” “A U-Haul.”).

Walking around the swing club with another woman is a very different experience than being there with a man. It was the first time I had done so, and jeezus, the men flock. That evening seemed to have more than the usual amount of clueless males, but I think it would have been bad regardless. The lack of respect by your average straight guy for something that’s going on between two women is highly irritating. She was flogging me on the cross (not attached this time, but yes I was flogged twice. Yes, I’m lucky!) and some total idiot called out “What’s that feel like?!” and then came up beside me, put his hands against the wall and stuck his butt out. Blondie had no trouble firmly but politely telling him that he’s interrupting. I had no problem turning to him and letting him know he was being rude. “Seriously, you’re being a bit of a dick right now,” I said. He scurried off. The issues seem to be that in the swing atmosphere it’s much more accepted to try to get in on the action. It’s never okay to touch without permission, or to be a dick, but aggressive men asking if they could join us is to be expected. Kinksters seem to have a much better sense of letting people do their thing and not intruding. Just because you’re playing in public doesn’t mean you want people to join in. It pissed me off that the social conditioning for men is such that they can’t envision two women just playing together. We don’t need your cock to join in guys! I love cock and I’m pretty sure Blondie does too, but we’re perfectly happy being kinky by ourselves thank you.

It’s a shame because we have to be firm and bitchy. If you’re at all polite or friendly the guy will come back again, and again, and again. But it’s not easy to always be bitchy. If a guy is cute and under the right circumstances I’d be up for fucking him then I don’t want to be so stern that I make sure he never comes back. But if I’m not up for fucking him that night I’m in for lots of badgering all evening. And by the end of the night I’m far less interested.

We talked with a cute Asian guy, but his many attempts to get our numbers, invite us out to another swing club, etc. went un-encouraged for the most part. I gave him this blog address, but wouldn’t give out phone number. After all, I know my situation as MasterDoc’s submissive and the fact that me going to a swing club with some other guy is pretty counter to our dynamic. I don’t think he or I would be happy with that situation. (I don’t rule it out, but it’s not of interest just now.) Somehow it’s different with a woman. Women aren’t so fucking pushy.

But when we managed to ignore the interruptions she gave me a lovely flogging – a bit of pain mixed with lots of the lovely softness of her rabbit fur flogger. Her flogger is of a better quality than the one I acquired recently, and it’s possible to give a good hit with it. She used the riding crop on me (including my outer limbs which MasterDoc doesn’t usually do). I needed to sit down after a while, and she suggested I lay down on the bed so she could flog my front. Rowr. This she did, she also spread my legs to slap my thighs. I think she was going a bit easy on me, which would make perfect sense playing with someone new. I hope to encourage her to go harder in the future. She straddled me and played with my tits. I stroked her legs and when she took her top down to reveal her lacy camisole, I reached up to play with her tits too. I was in a happy place!

All of us left at the same time, and at the end I had expressed interest in going with her to a women-only play party the following night. (She had mentioned it before, I had been to a few of these parties years ago.) We parted ways with the agreement to make plans the next day.

Catching Up/Lesbian Sheep Dance Begone!

Published on September 11, 2010 in bdsm, bisexuality, blow jobs, caning, cunnilingus, cunt, D/s, dating, flogging, kink, lesbian, masochism, orgasm on command, sadism, sex, sex toys, shio, spanking, squirting and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

I’ve gotten so behind! I’m still spending a lot of my downtime putting together my apartment. I found notes from an interlude last weekend that I will try to flesh out here – and I got a wonderful beating the other night – and I had a date with a woman today that actually went well.

Last weekend I hadn’t expected any sex on Monday because I had just had hot sex with MasterDoc a couple of nights in a row and I knew that he was having alone time with DeeDee that night. But Monday afternoon he was suddenly horny and decided on a quickie. Ooh! I wasn’t going to say no.

He started out by going down on me, something he does only sporadically. He doesn’t have any hang ups with it being “undomly” or anything like that, I just think it’s not his first thought when it comes to fooling around. I don’t mind too much as I find it takes me longer to come from oral. It’s something that feels good but doesn’t push me over the edge as easily as penetration. He made me come, mainly from his tongue doing delightful things to my clitoris and labia, but the real coming happened when he included fingers inside me and toyed with my g-spot.

I asked him if he would fuck me. Not to put down the cunnilingus, but I wanted his cock inside me. He admitted that’s where he was going before he got distracted.

He had me suck him into hardness so we could fuck. He choked me on cock once and it was hot as always. He had me get on top and I rode his cock with all the energy I had. I came tons of times.

Moments later, he decided he wanted more so he fucked me from behind. (Yes, please!) I just love bouncing back on his cock! I came even more – something I seem to say every time he and I fool around. I felt like he had fucked my brains out. Truly. I was well fucked.

Mid-week I got an extra evening with him, and I straight out asked if he could give me a beating. It had been a while since I got a full on flogger/cane/etc beating. He took his time and warmed me up. He beat me hard with the flogger and I still have a tender spot by one shoulder from his flogging my upper back. I was in subspace in no time flat.

He likes to stop and feel my cunt to see if I’m getting wet. I was able to tell there was wetness from the evaporation that would occur when he swung the flogger and it made a breeze. I could feel that my cunt was damp because the air would make it evaporate and cool me slightly.

MasterDoc used a vibe on me, but alas it was one that isn’t quite strong enough for me. He told me to come and I struggled with orgasms that evening. I didn’t come as hard as I would have liked initially, but I did come plus the beating was what I was really after. I had such an endorphin rush afterwards. The big finale was when he beat me and told me to come while I furiously stroked my clit. I squirted all over my hand and that was a truly satisfying orgasm.

It really is a kindness for him to take the time to beat me, something I’m sure many non-kinksters can’t understand. I felt calmer and more centered after like I usually do.

Then today I had a date. With a lady who contacted me on a dating site. She’s bi, kinky, poly, etc like I am but she’s a switch who is pretty comfortable Domming. I was my usual lesbian-sheep-dancing self, but thankfully despite her soft-spokenness she’s much more assertive than I am. She giggled nervously before kissing me, but damn I would have just sat there like an idiot forever had she not. She had no reason to be nervous but of course on a first date it can be hard to tell if it’s welcome or not – although moments before we a)clarified that I can bottom to people other than my Dom in certain circumstances (women generally get a free pass) and b) we both had fun and wanted to get together again.

The first kiss was lovely as she bent over me sitting on my bed (not having a sofa delivered yet has its advantages) but I really liked it when she then pushed me down on the bed and got on top of me for more making out. Rowr. My makeout sessions with women are so few and far between that I just totally savor the feeling of a woman pressing against me and how soft her skin inevitably is. It was lovely. I told her about the lesbian sheep dance and she had to admit she knows the dynamic it describes. I thanked her a couple of times for being more assertive than I am, thus saving me from myself and my lack of confidence in initiating something physical with a woman. I’m looking forward to seeing her again soon.

Slutting About

Published on August 2, 2010 in blow jobs, cunnilingus, dating, sex, slut and Uncategorized. 3 Comments

It’s been a while since I’ve gone slutting about without MasterDoc there to keep an eye on me. The reasons for this are complicated, and in some ways personal, so I won’t get into them here. But I’m at a point now where I feel free to enjoy myself with others again.

It’s an amazing feeling when you’re being a hedonist purely for your own pleasure. Fucking people from some desire to be loved or feeling that you need to do so to be liked, is a dangerous road. I’m sure I’ve done it at various points, but right now I just want to feel good. And there is nothing wrong (in my book) in having sex and enjoying yourself. There’s nothing wrong with being a slut as long as you’re not doing it in a self-destructive way.

So I had a date last night with a new guy. He’s around MasterDoc’s age (although MasterDoc keeps teasing me that he’s probably older, after all a lot of older people lie about their ages, but I’m a trusting soul who has faith in people until I start to suspect otherwise). He’s an artist, a musician, an entrepreneur. He’s got a nice apartment in the East Village. We met in Grammercy for drinks at an Irish pub; the kind of pub where ordering a chocolate martini gets you perplexed looks (but I’m sure they pull a fabulous pint of Guinness). I settled for cosmos as the bartender knew how to make those.

We sat and talked. The Entrepreneur (as I will call him) kept the cocktails coming. And I decided that, what the hell, I’m having a good time I’m going to hang out at his place with him. (He also had given me no reason to feel unsafe, quite the contrary.) He got me talking about polyamory since he’s new to it, and also my D/s relationship with MasterDoc, and sex blogging. He’s fond of subcultures and was fascinated by my stories being new to all those things. I love being able to be the exciting woman who has had countless sexual adventures. Face it, liking sex, truly liking it and enjoying it without hang ups, is a phenomenally sexy thing. I often forget that most women aren’t necessarily as enthusiastic and unapologetic about sex as I am. (Except, of course, my fellow sex bloggers often are.)

We hung out at his place, he played some guitar for me which was a good move since I’ve always had a weakness for musicians. We enjoyed chatting some more and he eventually asked if I wanted to kiss. I said sure and we made out for a bit. He was thrilled over my bountiful breasts. He kept declaring that he was in heaven and such flattery will get you far when I’m in the mood.

Soon we were in his bed, and he went down on me pretty quickly. I’ve long maintained that men who go down on you first (before getting you to go down on them) are usually attentive and good lovers. I don’t think that the reverse is necessarily true though. I’ve known men who have me blow them first who were just fabulous. But I don’t think I’ve met a guy who ate me out first who was terrible in the sack.

I had to remind myself that being in a vanilla situation, I could come when I wanted to. Being someone’s submissive most of the time I’m used to asking permission. I love orgasm control, but it’s also nice to have autonomy sometimes. I came like crazy and he just kept licking my pussy as I kept coming. He seemed thrilled at how hard I come – it seriously boggles my mind that how intensely I orgasm isn’t the norm. I had a thought affectionately at one point last night that, “Aw. He’s never had a real slut before! How sweet!” There are women like me out there, but too often they seem like a myth.

He had me go down on him eventually and I showed off my skills. (As MasterDoc once said, “You suck a mean cock!”) Being a sexual woman feels like such a power trip at times. I have the ability to render men senseless with lust – and I’m not even the most gorgeous woman in the world. (Although I will admit I’m cute.) It’s funny that I’ve so long struggled with low self-esteem. Lately I have moments where even I have to stop being self-deprecating and realize that I’m pretty freakin’ awesome in some ways. Not perfect by any means, but pretty awesome. I’m smart, educated, sexual, free, and a hedonist. What’s not to like? I need to push past the idea that got into my brain from a young age that to be confident was on par with being egotistical. I come from a very self-deprecating family.

When he went off to the bathroom at one point, I had the thought, “If I were playing with myself when he gets back he would think that was the hottest thing ever.” I feel a little calculating thinking like that, but it’s not done with the intention to manipulate, it’s just that I’ve had enough experience to know what works. Indeed, he did think it was really hot to find me stroking my pussy. He set himself up with a ringside seat and watched (and contributed to caressing my legs) as I gave myself an orgasm. It’s always nice having an appreciative audience.

We went to fuck, but human bodies being what they are his cock didn’t totally cooperate. No matter. As a sexual woman of the world I appreciate that sometimes our bodies don’t react how we want them to. There are certainly times when I’m enjoying myself yet not getting wet (in those moments it’s lube for the win!). If a man has erectile trouble while you’re with him, don’t take it personally. Don’t take it as something to worry about. Just keep fooling around. As much as I adore penis-in-vagina sex, it’s by no means the only way to get off and have fun. Being with someone new, or using condoms when you’re not used to them, are things that can make your cock stubborn. I really appreciated though how he’s not one of those men who will then try to persuade you to have unprotected sex.

He flipped me over at one point and massaged my back. He kissed and licked my ass and I wondered if he was going to rim me. He teased and tantalized for a while, then slid his fingers in my pussy and made me come again.

I had a great time, and it was late. I was clearly welcome to spend the night and it seemed like the best thing to do rather than take a long subway ride by myself when I was tired. I always sleep fitfully in a new place, plus it was hard because he’s a cuddler during sleep, whereas I’m someone who wants their space. But sleeping there was a good move. In the morning, we fooled around again and he fucked me twice. (And made me come countless times.) It was a lovely time. He’s smart, interesting and good in bed. I want to teach him the “come hither” motion with his fingers when fingering me, however. If you turn your hand palm up while fingering a woman, and do a “come hither” motion, you stroke the g-spot typically. I’m not complaining, just pondering improvements. (I’ve been around MasterDoc too long.)

At one point this morning he declared that he’s only going to date sex bloggers from now on. Yes, we are awesome. Thank you, thank you very much.

My rumbling tummy pressured me to ask about breakfast, and he took me out for brunch in his neighborhood. After, he walked me to the subway and we said our goodbyes. It felt kinda “Sex and the City” to have brunch in Manhattan on a beautiful Sunday morning after fucking for much of the night. I took the long ride home to MasterDoc’s and had to fill him and DeeDee in on the details of my adventure pretty much as soon as I walked in the door. MasterDoc called me slut a few times, but it’s all done with the utmost affection.

Davey

Published on July 2, 2010 in commitment, dating, emotions, musings, poly and Uncategorized. 3 Comments

I’ve found that even when you initiate a break up with someone, it can still be terribly painful and sad. I was with Davey for 5.5 years – the longest relationship I’ve ever had. A few weeks ago I drew things to a close.

Part of me is bewildered at what I’ve done. I love him, I do, but romantically things had fizzled out for me. I never discussed it on here because I didn’t think it would be fair to Davey. As it is, he stopped reading my blog when it became too painful to read about the sex I was having with other people, but not him. I think it’s especially sad when you love someone and want them to be important in your life, but you decide you’d rather be friends than lovers.

Of course, all this is doubly painful for Davey because his feelings for me didn’t change.

He told me last night that he plans to move out. I now need to move or find a roommate. We were planning to go on a cruise together in September but I doubt that’s happening now. I want to remain close friends with him but only time will tell if we manage that.

I’ve come to realize, or at least believe for now, that for me emotionally I’m fairly monogamous (but non-monogamous physically and affectionately). I can care about, have affection for, lust after multiple people. But when I fell in love with MasterDoc it became harder for me to stay romantically involved with Davey. I see this as my own shortcoming, and if there’s any blame to be placed for this breakup it’s with me, definitely. I pulled away from him. I lost interest in sex. And the whole time I felt horrible guilt over this. Davey is a wonderful guy. Truly. He is one of the best. He has always treated me really well and we’ve had so much fun together. I’m hoping we can maintain a friendship because I love spending time with him. We both love travel and dining out and these are things I don’t get to do with MasterDoc often. Davey and I like a lot of the same music.

It took me a long time to work out if this was the right decision, because in so many ways being with Davey is wonderful. But I ultimately felt that if I wasn’t going to have sex with him or I didn’t feel romantic towards him then it was unfair to hang on just for my benefit. Luckily, he has other girlfriends he sees regularly, so I hope that being poly will help soften the blow for him. I can understand this being hard for him, however, as for many years I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. But things change sometimes.