Archive for the 'dating' Category

Slutting About

Published on August 2, 2010 in Uncategorized, blow jobs, cunnilingus, dating, sex and slut. 3 Comments

It’s been a while since I’ve gone slutting about without MasterDoc there to keep an eye on me. The reasons for this are complicated, and in some ways personal, so I won’t get into them here. But I’m at a point now where I feel free to enjoy myself with others again.

It’s an amazing feeling when you’re being a hedonist purely for your own pleasure. Fucking people from some desire to be loved or feeling that you need to do so to be liked, is a dangerous road. I’m sure I’ve done it at various points, but right now I just want to feel good. And there is nothing wrong (in my book) in having sex and enjoying yourself. There’s nothing wrong with being a slut as long as you’re not doing it in a self-destructive way.

So I had a date last night with a new guy. He’s around MasterDoc’s age (although MasterDoc keeps teasing me that he’s probably older, after all a lot of older people lie about their ages, but I’m a trusting soul who has faith in people until I start to suspect otherwise). He’s an artist, a musician, an entrepreneur. He’s got a nice apartment in the East Village. We met in Grammercy for drinks at an Irish pub; the kind of pub where ordering a chocolate martini gets you perplexed looks (but I’m sure they pull a fabulous pint of Guinness). I settled for cosmos as the bartender knew how to make those.

We sat and talked. The Entrepreneur (as I will call him) kept the cocktails coming. And I decided that, what the hell, I’m having a good time I’m going to hang out at his place with him. (He also had given me no reason to feel unsafe, quite the contrary.) He got me talking about polyamory since he’s new to it, and also my D/s relationship with MasterDoc, and sex blogging. He’s fond of subcultures and was fascinated by my stories being new to all those things. I love being able to be the exciting woman who has had countless sexual adventures. Face it, liking sex, truly liking it and enjoying it without hang ups, is a phenomenally sexy thing. I often forget that most women aren’t necessarily as enthusiastic and unapologetic about sex as I am. (Except, of course, my fellow sex bloggers often are.)

We hung out at his place, he played some guitar for me which was a good move since I’ve always had a weakness for musicians. We enjoyed chatting some more and he eventually asked if I wanted to kiss. I said sure and we made out for a bit. He was thrilled over my bountiful breasts. He kept declaring that he was in heaven and such flattery will get you far when I’m in the mood.

Soon we were in his bed, and he went down on me pretty quickly. I’ve long maintained that men who go down on you first (before getting you to go down on them) are usually attentive and good lovers. I don’t think that the reverse is necessarily true though. I’ve known men who have me blow them first who were just fabulous. But I don’t think I’ve met a guy who ate me out first who was terrible in the sack.

I had to remind myself that being in a vanilla situation, I could come when I wanted to. Being someone’s submissive most of the time I’m used to asking permission. I love orgasm control, but it’s also nice to have autonomy sometimes. I came like crazy and he just kept licking my pussy as I kept coming. He seemed thrilled at how hard I come – it seriously boggles my mind that how intensely I orgasm isn’t the norm. I had a thought affectionately at one point last night that, “Aw. He’s never had a real slut before! How sweet!” There are women like me out there, but too often they seem like a myth.

He had me go down on him eventually and I showed off my skills. (As MasterDoc once said, “You suck a mean cock!”) Being a sexual woman feels like such a power trip at times. I have the ability to render men senseless with lust – and I’m not even the most gorgeous woman in the world. (Although I will admit I’m cute.) It’s funny that I’ve so long struggled with low self-esteem. Lately I have moments where even I have to stop being self-deprecating and realize that I’m pretty freakin’ awesome in some ways. Not perfect by any means, but pretty awesome. I’m smart, educated, sexual, free, and a hedonist. What’s not to like? I need to push past the idea that got into my brain from a young age that to be confident was on par with being egotistical. I come from a very self-deprecating family.

When he went off to the bathroom at one point, I had the thought, “If I were playing with myself when he gets back he would think that was the hottest thing ever.” I feel a little calculating thinking like that, but it’s not done with the intention to manipulate, it’s just that I’ve had enough experience to know what works. Indeed, he did think it was really hot to find me stroking my pussy. He set himself up with a ringside seat and watched (and contributed to caressing my legs) as I gave myself an orgasm. It’s always nice having an appreciative audience.

We went to fuck, but human bodies being what they are his cock didn’t totally cooperate. No matter. As a sexual woman of the world I appreciate that sometimes our bodies don’t react how we want them to. There are certainly times when I’m enjoying myself yet not getting wet (in those moments it’s lube for the win!). If a man has erectile trouble while you’re with him, don’t take it personally. Don’t take it as something to worry about. Just keep fooling around. As much as I adore penis-in-vagina sex, it’s by no means the only way to get off and have fun. Being with someone new, or using condoms when you’re not used to them, are things that can make your cock stubborn. I really appreciated though how he’s not one of those men who will then try to persuade you to have unprotected sex.

He flipped me over at one point and massaged my back. He kissed and licked my ass and I wondered if he was going to rim me. He teased and tantalized for a while, then slid his fingers in my pussy and made me come again.

I had a great time, and it was late. I was clearly welcome to spend the night and it seemed like the best thing to do rather than take a long subway ride by myself when I was tired. I always sleep fitfully in a new place, plus it was hard because he’s a cuddler during sleep, whereas I’m someone who wants their space. But sleeping there was a good move. In the morning, we fooled around again and he fucked me twice. (And made me come countless times.) It was a lovely time. He’s smart, interesting and good in bed. I want to teach him the “come hither” motion with his fingers when fingering me, however. If you turn your hand palm up while fingering a woman, and do a “come hither” motion, you stroke the g-spot typically. I’m not complaining, just pondering improvements. (I’ve been around MasterDoc too long.)

At one point this morning he declared that he’s only going to date sex bloggers from now on. Yes, we are awesome. Thank you, thank you very much.

My rumbling tummy pressured me to ask about breakfast, and he took me out for brunch in his neighborhood. After, he walked me to the subway and we said our goodbyes. It felt kinda “Sex and the City” to have brunch in Manhattan on a beautiful Sunday morning after fucking for much of the night. I took the long ride home to MasterDoc’s and had to fill him and DeeDee in on the details of my adventure pretty much as soon as I walked in the door. MasterDoc called me slut a few times, but it’s all done with the utmost affection.

Davey

Published on July 2, 2010 in Uncategorized, commitment, dating, emotions, musings and poly. 3 Comments

I’ve found that even when you initiate a break up with someone, it can still be terribly painful and sad. I was with Davey for 5.5 years – the longest relationship I’ve ever had. A few weeks ago I drew things to a close.

Part of me is bewildered at what I’ve done. I love him, I do, but romantically things had fizzled out for me. I never discussed it on here because I didn’t think it would be fair to Davey. As it is, he stopped reading my blog when it became too painful to read about the sex I was having with other people, but not him. I think it’s especially sad when you love someone and want them to be important in your life, but you decide you’d rather be friends than lovers.

Of course, all this is doubly painful for Davey because his feelings for me didn’t change.

He told me last night that he plans to move out. I now need to move or find a roommate. We were planning to go on a cruise together in September but I doubt that’s happening now. I want to remain close friends with him but only time will tell if we manage that.

I’ve come to realize, or at least believe for now, that for me emotionally I’m fairly monogamous (but non-monogamous physically and affectionately). I can care about, have affection for, lust after multiple people. But when I fell in love with MasterDoc it became harder for me to stay romantically involved with Davey. I see this as my own shortcoming, and if there’s any blame to be placed for this breakup it’s with me, definitely. I pulled away from him. I lost interest in sex. And the whole time I felt horrible guilt over this. Davey is a wonderful guy. Truly. He is one of the best. He has always treated me really well and we’ve had so much fun together. I’m hoping we can maintain a friendship because I love spending time with him. We both love travel and dining out and these are things I don’t get to do with MasterDoc often. Davey and I like a lot of the same music.

It took me a long time to work out if this was the right decision, because in so many ways being with Davey is wonderful. But I ultimately felt that if I wasn’t going to have sex with him or I didn’t feel romantic towards him then it was unfair to hang on just for my benefit. Luckily, he has other girlfriends he sees regularly, so I hope that being poly will help soften the blow for him. I can understand this being hard for him, however, as for many years I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. But things change sometimes.

Polyamory and Communication

Published on December 8, 2009 in DeeDee, Uncategorized, anxiety, dating, depression, emotions, happy and poly. 2 Comments

This post is long, and it’s not sexually oriented. But if you’re poly or interested in poly you may find the thoughts interesting.

When people talk about how important communication is to polyamorous relationships, I think most of us don’t quite realize what that entails. However, NOT communicating is the fastest way to ruin things. I have a hard time opening up, and that’s made things with MasterDoc sometimes more of a struggle than they should be. I’m thankful he’s patient with me and that he’s good at pulling things out of me. I don’t know that I realized when I started out as poly that the communication would have to extend sometimes to your partner’s other significant others.

Since MasterDoc started seeing DeeDee things have been a bit bumpy. It’s not a black and white thing, it’s not that she’s a problem. After all I like DeeDee a great deal and like spending time with her. I will chat with her online independent of MasterDoc. She has always been entirely respectful of the existing relationship between me and MasterDoc. But it does seem that when she’s around, I tend to get depressed and bothered about things. It’s not her fault, and the tough thing has been making sure that I let her know that.

We all have our insecurities and personally I have a closet full of them. An only child until I was nearly 11, as soon as my brother appeared on the scene he was a very ill little baby and so I was completely pushed to the side. Thus started lifelong issues with abandonment – or fear of abandonment. At 11 I was emotionally left to take care of myself, and as a shy kid already tending towards depression issues, this was too much for me. I also have issues over being possessive sometimes. Several months after my brother was born, he got moved into my bedroom and I shared a bedroom with my mother for the two years I was in junior high. If you’re thinking that’s one of the WORST times in a young woman’s life to have no privacy and share a room with her mother, you’re right. My brother not only took over everyone’s attention, he also took over my physical space.

These issues, and the wounded 11-year-old inside me, come out when I fear that I’m being replaced. It’s not been a rational fear, but then many of my fears aren’t rational. At times lately I’ve panicked, worried that DeeDee was more interesting, newer, kinkier, more fun to be with. I’ve gotten very depressed thinking that I’m going to be abandoned. I’ve had intense fears of being replaced. I’ve had fears that somehow my relationship with MasterDoc is not special because he’s spending time with someone new.

MasterDoc has reassured me multiple times that this is not the case. And it is totally clear that DeeDee is not trying to set up such a situation. But when she’s around I still find these insecurities being triggered.

Communication

Opening up the lines of communication, even just a bit, can work wonders. Last night after I got all depressed and needed attention from MasterDoc, DeeDee started feeling vulnerable. Luckily, she’s better at voicing her concerns than I am, and the three of us had a talk where she voiced her anxieties: she’s the newest and therefore would be the first one ditched if there was trouble, I’m a younger woman – and I can speak from experience that younger women always seem threatening to older women. I’ve seen this just in my own insecurities early on concerning MasterDoc’s 21-year-old submissive. She’s young, and in our society we’re told that of course she’s more desirable. So even though I’m younger than DeeDee I too have felt the anxiety over not being the younger woman. The conversation became funny when I voiced that my issues were kinda the opposite. I figured that since I’ve been around a while I’m old hat and boring and she’s new and interesting. I worried about being replaced. We both had to laugh because neither of us thought the other had a rational fear going on. And it’s kinda silly that we’ve both had the same fears. And they originate within us and our psyches, because MasterDoc has certainly not indicated to anyone that he’s even remotely thinking about ditching anyone. Quite the opposite.

This morning we got to talk more and I’m confident that the three of us can make things work. We all like each other, and we all want things to work. I’m going to work on voicing my emotions calmly and early on (before they reach a rolling boil inside my head). I’ve got deep seated issues to work out, but I want to work them out. And I’m not someone who thinks that struggling and feeling uncomfortable are necessarily bad things. They’re part of life. And through struggle I will grow. I want to have MasterDoc and DeeDee in my life and happy. And I want myself to be happy. It will take a lot of communication and figuring things out but when something’s valuable you work for it.

HNT – Bracelet

Published on November 26, 2009 in D/s, Uncategorized, dating, dom, happy, hnt, photos and submissive. 6 Comments

It’s blurry; I snapped this photo myself just this morning. But I wanted to share my new lock bracelet from MasterDoc. I wear it constantly.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my pals in the U.S. And Happy Half Nekkid Thursday to all!

Ravished

Published on October 18, 2009 in Uncategorized, blow jobs, dating, non-monogamy, sex, shio and squirting. 3 Comments

Shane knocked on the door and I went to answer it, wondering if I should have pre-heated the oven so I could get dinner started. I can’t really call what I was going to do cooking, so much as heating up. I let him in and immediately, with a serious look in his eye, he closed the door by pushing me up against it. Immediately his mouth was on mine and I melted in his arms. The sheer overwhelming passion was intoxicating. At first I was giggling a little, taken aback by his stark, ferocious passion. His hands found their way between my legs and stroked my cunt through the thin fabric of my pants. His hands drifted upward and toyed with my nipples through my sweater and bra. I grabbed his nipples through his shirt and he pulled my sweater off and tossed it to the living room floor. He stripped off his clothes and guided me into the bedroom.

He pushed me down on the bed and started kissing me. I was probably wet right away, as being ravished is something I find so hot. I started to take my clothes off and when I was naked he pushed me onto the bed and climbed on the bed next to me, half over me. He stroked my clit while kissing me and my mouth parted to let a slight moan escape as I grabbed onto his arm. He slid his fingers inside and fingered me hard. I came quickly, within 30 seconds or so. And as he fingered me I came over and over again. I squirted a small puddle on the edge of the bed. Somehow the essence of surprise made everything that much hotter.

He told me to grab a condom, and I did so as he lay down on the bed. I took the condom out of the wrapper and quickly rolled it onto his cock. I swiftly climbed on top of him and guided his cock into my wet, throbbing pussy. I couldn’t get him inside me fast enough. He fucked me hard, thrusting his pelvis up into me so that I could only ride and come. I came hard and left his cock and belly wet. He looked at me some more with that slightly unsettling, intense, serious look he had last night, and suddenly he rolled me over and got on top, swiftly getting his cock back inside me. He threw my legs over his shoulders and fucked me deep and hard. My eyes involuntarily closed as another wave of orgasm came over me. I tried to look him in the eye, but as my orgasm came inevitably my eyes would close. I came several times more before he finished fucking me.

He pulled out, still hard, still having not come, and told me to get over there and suck his cock. As he lay back on the pillows I kneeled between his legs and sucked, stroked, licked – he stroked his cock while I licked the head and then I’d suck some more. I looked up at him seductively, as I know it’s one of those things that gets him really hot. He and I kept working his cock until he said he’s going to come. I pulled my mouth off and placed my face next to his cock. He clenched his cock with his hand as a ribbon of come shot up and hit me in the face. I smiled at him, and the date was off to a wonderful start.

The rest of the evening was calmer, and like most reverse-dates the sexual tension lessened dramatically after the sex. I heated up dinner, we watched some movies while cuddling on the couch, and despite my eagerness to get naked again, the rest of the evening was pretty uneventful. But really, did I need more than an intense ravishment at the very beginning?

Double Fuck Sunday

Published on October 5, 2009 in Uncategorized, blow jobs, cunnilingus, cunt, dating, masturbation, non-monogamy, poly, sex, sex toys, sexuality and slut. 1 Comment

With MasterDoc away my kink life has slowed down considerably. But I haven’t exactly been sex-free. Despite back problems the past few days (Pinched nerve. Owie.) I did manage to get laid yesterday…. twice.

I had my first date with Shane in a while. We basically hang out, have sex and watch dvds. And you know, I’m a woman of simple tastes and this makes me perfectly happy. Despite being a little loopy and sleepy on vicodin for my back, it was easy to get me in the mood with just a few passionate kisses. I suggested we go into the bedroom as laying down would be easier on my back than sitting on the couch. We stripped our clothes off – there’s no pretensions of propriety here – and climbed in bed. He slid his hand between my legs almost immediately. He toyed with my clit and then bent over to lick my pussy. While I can sometimes have a hard time coming from oral these days, I came really hard and quite quickly. His hard cock was calling to me, so I leaned over while he still went down on me and I took his cock in my mouth.

I just love sucking cock when it’s so clearly appreciated. While I wasn’t bad to begin with, MasterDoc’s training me to his preferences has resulted in me being even better at fellatio. Next Shane fucked me from behind, and I came over and over and over again. Eventually he asked if I was exhausted yet, and I had to say, “Yes!” But in typical fashion I was going to take as much as I could and come as many times as possible before crying “uncle.” The vicodin must have relaxed my muscles a bit, because my cunt didn’t clamp down as hard as usual, despite my coming quite hard.

We lay down to relax briefly, and then I went back to sucking his cock. It would be quite rude, don’t you think, to leave him in that state after he had made me come, oh, about a million times? I sucked and stroked his cock with my hand. I’d look up at him seductively from time to time. I tried to keep up a fast pace with the mouth/hand combo but my mouth started to get tired. I hate that. So I switched to my hand and could tell he was getting close. I supported my wrist with my other hand and tried my damndest to keep going until he came. But my recently sprained wrist couldn’t hold out and I ended up stopping at precisely the wrong time. “You suck!” he cried out a few times. I apologized profusely as I hated to stop at such a critical moment, but I just couldn’t physically go on.

He took over with his hand and I lent my mouth for some more stimulation. I tweaked his nipples and stroked his inner thighs. When he was about to come, he lowered my face down to his cock so he could come on my face. He shot a large load of cum on my left cheek. I found some tissues and cleaned up. We lay there for a while, resting, until I got hungry enough to go get us the snacks I had picked up. We retired to the living room to eat, watch Family Guy and hang out.

Then, at home last evening, Davey gave me that look that says, “Let’s do it” and I could hardly say no when he probably knew/assumed that I had had sex with Shane. So he gave me a quick back rub which led into more stroking and caressing. He made me come and I kept stroking my clit even after. I asked him to fuck me, and he said I needed to suck him for a while first. I did and got him hard, and then he took me from behind as I used my bullet vibe on my clit. I came a bit, and managed to push his cock out, unfortunately. He fingered me to another orgasm, then went back to fucking me. He didn’t quite manage to come (thank you stupid vaginal muscles from hell!) but then he knelt and stroked his cock while I played with his ass, thighs, chest, etc. And eventually, he came.

I think this was the busiest day I’ve had in a while. I was quite satisfied after, but I do miss my kink.

Suck

Published on September 22, 2009 in blow jobs, cunnilingus, cunt, dating, non-monogamy, sex toys, sexuality, shio and squirting. 2 Comments

So while I’ve been struggling with depression, it’s not like every waking second is spent in utter misery. I have ups and downs. Spending time with Shane last night was a definite up. I still feel shaky emotionally, but spending time with someone who clearly likes me and who is affectionate helps a lot.

We watched a lot of Family Guy. It was my idea but he likes the show a lot too. I used the dvr to put the show on pause when we started getting frisky. You have to remember, I haven’t had sex with Shane in weeks (and I’m the only woman he’s seeing at the moment) – ever since I pissed MasterDoc off by being too busy getting nooky with Shane to pay attention to his phone calls for assistance. Shane and I had a couple of chaste dates – which were quite enjoyable – and then a third, unexpected meeting when I was panicking during my gall stone attack and couldn’t reach my other gentlemen. He offered to go to the hospital with me and I took him up on his kind offer. With Shane proving that he’s a good guy, MasterDoc decided that yes, we can count the hospital visit as the third date before I was allowed to have sex with him again.

But then I was blue a week or so ago and canceled on him. He was very understanding. Last night I thought about canceling due to my mood, but I’m really glad I didn’t. We cuddled a bit. He avoided kissing me since he feels like he’s coming down with a cold. Then he asked if I would suck his cock. Oh my, yes! So I started blowing him and a short while in he asked if I would be so kind as to kneel in front of him as he sat on the couch and look up at him as I sucked his cock. Ever the obliging type I did so, even finding a way to be comfortable on the floor giving head with my bum wrist in a brace.

I sucked him in, down as far as I could. I made love to his cock with my mouth. While my wrist was out of commission my mouth certainly worked! I would look up into his eyes and I could tell that the seductive glances I gave him as I licked his cock added to his enjoyment of the blow job. He made lots of happy noises and I hoped that I could get him to come. I don’t have him come in my mouth at this point in time – it’s not something I do with everyone I sleep with. But he has a total fetish for coming on women’s faces, and that I could easily oblige.

As he got more excited, he took over stroking his cock. I would hold my tongue out and he’d rub the head against my tongue and lips. I’d suck now and then, and we kept working his cock over. I was happy to have his cock rubbing against my lips. I felt sexy instead of depressed. Finally he was about to come and I closed my mouth and he shot – not quite on my face. A strand of come hit my nose but otherwise it landed on his belly. Still, he was a very happy man.

As I sucked him, I realized: I felt worthless all weekend but damn, I’m good at sucking cock! Now, I know general wisdom would be – “Oh you poor woman, you only feel valued when you’re having sex!” But it’s not really like that. First of all, when I’m not suffering from depression I realize I am good at many things. I’m intelligent, educated, funny, etc. But in looking to regain my confidence, giving a hell of a blow job certainly helped. And I thought to myself, why is it that being skilled at giving pleasure to another human is looked down upon? In the fantasy novels I’m reading lately, a courtesan is a holy job. Giving sexual pleasure to people is not to be looked down upon! Why have we gotten so twisted with our ideas about sex that being good at it is looked upon as sad in some way?

We relaxed for a bit and as I still felt a bit in a mental funk I didn’t show any eagerness for him to reciprocate. He said he likes to make sure that “everyone gets cookies” in an evening, but if I didn’t want it that was fine too. Oh no, I said, I want cookies too.

I got naked and we went into the bedroom. I put down a towel under my ass (over the pillow) and when looking for condoms I found my Wahl 7 -in-1 vibrator. Nice. I kept that out. We chatted and giggled and acted silly for a while – but once he started licking my clit I got in the mood. He went down on me for a while, I pulled my labia back at one point so he could get in contact with my clit better.

“Did I tell you to do that? I’m not done teasing you.” Oh well, okay. I tend to be very goal-oriented where orgasms are concerned. I tried to lay back and just enjoy being aroused by his mouth. After he teased me with his lips and tongue for a good long while, he switched on the Wahl and started using it on my pussy. When he got to my clit, oh did it feel good. He held it there and soon I came, hard. And… he kept holding the vibrator to my clit. Shit. I kept coming, hard. One orgasm after the other. I’m not sure how long he kept me coming for, but it felt like a long time. Probably wasn’t all *that* long but when your body is involved in intense sensation and reactions like that a little time feels like a long time. I squirted a few times and soaked the towel underneath my ass.

I felt markedly less depressed after orgasm. MasterDoc has noticed this is usually true. I need a personal orgasm-slave to have around at all times to get me off when I’m depressed. Doing it myself isn’t quite the same.

We watched some more Family Guy, and then he got going. I went to sleep not long after.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Published on August 15, 2009 in Uncategorized, bdsm, blog, dating, libido, new site, sex and squirting. 0 Comments

I’ve put off blogging this week because lots of work and tweaks have been going on with my blog. I gave my friend Max Malini free reign and he’s done tons of stuff to work on my site. Alas, in the shuffle a few entries have gone missing. I hope to get them restored. (Including my HNT for this week, which had some positive reactions. UPDATE: It’s restored but some recent comments are missing from the blog.) Hopefully I’m not getting terrible ratings in the 100 best sexy bloggers judging in the meanwhile. More changes are to come! You can now find me at www.diaryofakinkylibrarian.com as well as www.kinkylibrarian.net. No need to update links – forwarding works.

I’ve had a mostly quiet week, eagerly anticipating my vacation and Floating World next week. This morning I did a happy dance when I woke up to use the bathroom and discovered that my period had started. This means it will be done by the time I go to Floating World – I am thrilled!

I saw MasterDoc on Tuesday evening, and for once we had something that we don’t usually have – so-so sex. Yes, despite the sexual chemistry we usually have, we were both feeling a bit “off” that night and had a hard time getting into things. Eventually he did make me come with the magic wand, which was orgasmic and wonderful like usual (he seems to be making me come for extra long periods lately – hooray!). He fucked me from behind after that, and it felt wonderful, even if it wasn’t quite up to our usual level of sparks. I did, however squirt both from the magic wand and from being fucked. (So even so-so sex between us ends up being pretty damn good!)

I’ve been fairly horny this week, I think the hormonal shifts before menstruation have a lot to do with that. I get to see MasterDoc again all day Monday. I can’t wait! I also feel like I could use a good beating. I have date number two coming up next week with the guy I had a good date with last weekend – and that should certainly be interesting. Stay tuned for next week to be much more exciting than this week was.

Dating

Published on August 9, 2009 in dating. 3 Comments

If my site goes funky over the next few days, it’s because work is being done on it. Hopefully this will lead to an even better experience for my readers.

Since I knew that I’d have a lot of alone time this weekend, I arranged for a couple of dates to keep me busy. I wrote a tiny bit about the one Friday night that was successful. The one Saturday night was a little less so.

It wasn’t a bad date by any stretch. The guy was nice, intelligent, not bad looking, good company, a reasonably decent kisser (but not exceptional) and pretty far left politically (like myself). I could conceivably date him and enjoy it. I made out with him, and I could feel stirrings in my crotch that could have led to sex if I hadn’t vowed to behave myself this weekend.

But he’s not poly, he’s a guy who recently ended a long relationship so he’s looking for casual dating just now. Now these things (poly/casual dating) are not mutually exclusive. However I do wonder what could happen if down the road he decided that he wanted more with me. Now that would put me in a real pickle because I sure as hell ain’t giving up my other relationships. I am definitely not going to be monogamous. My very first poly experience (before I knew the word/concept of polyamory) went badly when my first ever girlfriend decided that she wasn’t okay after all with the guy I had been dating for over a year before I met her. Things got really sticky. I didn’t want to split with either and in the end I ended up lying to her for a while – I was still dating him but said I had stopped. It was a very long distance relationship (New York – London) so it was easy to just sweep the boyfriend under the carpet when she came for a week-long visit. I do think this duplicity ultimately contributed to the downfall of my relationship with the guy – even after I had maneuvered things with the girlfriend where I got her to break up with me. (Man, when it comes to women I’m such a friggin’ guy.)

The other thing that made me less inclined to see Saturday’s date again is that he’s very vanilla. And while I don’t need kink 24/7 I would feel more comfortable with someone (like my date from Friday) who is kink aware and can understand aspects of the lifestyle. The clashing of vanilla/kinky eroticism has led to difficulties between me and Davey – ones that I still struggle with. I didn’t want to put myself – or another person – in that situation again.

So while I made out with him, I did end the date relatively early (I had been out late the night before and claimed fatigue). I kept putting off rejecting him throughout the date, but as we said goodbye at the train station and he asked if I wanted to see him again, I was honest. “Well, I’m on the fence because you’re really nice and I enjoyed spending time with you, but I think that I’d rather date someone who is actually poly and kink-aware.” He took it well, which speaks well of him. I made sure to add to his dating profile a nice rating, so that other women can know that he seems like someone who’s worth a try – just not someone who quite fits me.

Rejecting someone is so hard when they’re a decent person. If he were a rude lout it would have been so much easier to tell him – no, this isn’t going anywhere.

The Crop and the Orgasm

Published on August 3, 2009 in D/s, Uncategorized, anxiety, bdsm, dating, emotions, masochism, non-monogamy, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, poly, sadism, sex, sex toys, spanking and trust. 0 Comments

I spent a little time with MasterDoc this weekend, after spending some much needed alone time. He’s spending as much time with his daughter as possible before she heads off to college, so that left me with time on my hands this past weekend, as Davey was away visiting another girlfriend for the weekend. While I’m prone to depression when I spend a long time alone, this time I really enjoyed myself. Granted, towards the end of the time I was getting restless, bored and lonely. But I got some stuff done around the house, including going through all my clothes to bag up things I don’t wear anymore. I hit Trader Joe’s for the first time in ages. Now my closets and dresser are neat and I have spectacular things to snack on. Huzzah!

I was hoping we’d go out Saturday night, but MasterDoc decided to stay in. He gave me a wonderful intense spanking using the riding crop. Initially I couldn’t tell what he was hitting me with – had he picked up a cane? When I eventually saw it it made sense, and as we were without a crop for a while I forget that it’s in his arsenal of toys now. I was enjoying the sensation but not close to orgasm when he said to me, “Come.” Wow, that was difficult. I focused my thoughts on orgasming and in less than a minute I managed to eke one out. It wasn’t as intense as an orgasm would be if I was fully aroused at the time, but through sheer will I managed it. He’s trying to train me to come via different sensations. I have certainly come from just a spanking before, but I wasn’t expecting it so I was thrown off a little. I think the ideal situation would be if I could eventually just come on command from a cold start. May or may not happen, but one can dream and strive.

He checked his email when we took a break and he found out about a party going on that night. I had already taken my sleeping medication by this time, so I wouldn’t be able to stay awake if we went out. He wondered if he could get someone to go with him. I was bummed because I had wanted to go out, had taken my medication as early as I did due to his request, and was horny and wanted sex with orgasms that weren’t eked out in the heat of stress. (Yes, I’m a demanding slut.) He encourages me to put his desires first some of the time, but I’m only human, and being ditched at the last minute really would have sucked. Ultimately he stayed in with me, for which I was very thankful.

He fucked me a little later, doggy-style, and I was so aroused that eventually I had to give in and beg for orgasm. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to come then and not have the fucking continue a bit longer, and I said that I wanted it to continue. Actually, I don’t think “said” is the right word – I gasped out my hope that he would keep fucking me. He kept going and I was going nuts on the edge of orgasm. When he let me come, I came hard and his cock got pushed out. He slapped my pussy, fingered me a bit as I continued to come. He grabbed the Acuvibe Mini that was laying on the bed and pushed it against my clit – oh holy mother of Jesus! – I came harder than I can remember in a while. And that’s saying A LOT. He kept pressing against my clit with the vibrator and I kept pressing back desperately trying to keep my clit in contact with it while I came. Afterwards, I was totally spent.

On the non-sexual side of things, my issues around jealousy and insecurity came up again. I’m sure some monogamous folks would say, “Well maybe you want to be monogamous.” But I have to say despite my insecurities, I really don’t want to be monogamous. Too bad I’m not a Domme as my ideal situation would be me gallivanting around with multiple partners and my lover being mono to me. But, uh, definitely not going to happen when one is a submissive! I do like knowing that MasterDoc is happy – and I know that having a variety of lovers, and enjoying flirting and chasing (and fucking) new women, is something that makes him happy. It’s in his nature. I do not expect it to ever change. And I can understand wanting variety as I do too. So that leaves me with trying to find a way to not be so insecure, not be so afraid of being abandoned. I need to find ways to keep myself busy when I have free time and thereby not get too upset if I can’t see MasterDoc for a while. (I mean, I love spending time with him, so not seeing him will never be a happy prospect, but I need to find ways to keep busy.) Davey is busy often with other girlfriends these days, I need to find myself someone else to spend time with.

Those of you who aren’t jealous types – how do you manage it? How do you process the idea of your love being with someone else when they could be spending time with you instead?