Around the sex blogosphere the past few days there’s been articles being written on how being a lady sex blogger seems to encourage some rather unsavory types to harass the women writing these blogs. Here’s just a few (some of the posts have more links):
I blog about sex. That is not an invitation. by Epiphora
Same Shit, Different Site by Britni
What Not to Say by Dangerous Lilly
Just Because I’m a Woman by SarahBear
While SarahBear talked more about harassment she’s received just for being a woman, this line stood out to me: “The men they are encountering assume that just because they review sex toys, write erotica and participate in a sex positive community that they are promiscuous.”
Certainly, this is a stupid assumption. Being sex positive, writing about sex or using sex toys does not necessarily mean you’re promiscuous. However I want to make the point here that even if I am promiscuous, I do not owe you a date, a fuck, a blow job, naked pictures, cybersex, etc.
I am a slut. I am not ashamed of this. I have fucked many people. I love writing about sex and discussing it. I love putting up sexy photos of myself. While I will often be patient with very personal questions on formspring in the spirit of talking openly about sex, I do get creeped out and annoyed when someone seems to be insinuating that I would want to do any particular activities with them (especially when they’re asking anonymously). There’s a fine line between curiosity about the various sexual things I’ve done and hitting on me in a creepy and overtly sexual fashion. A recent question and my answer:
Do you like being called nasty names? do you like your pussy slapped? your face slapped?
These questions are curious coming from a totally anonymous person. While I do enjoy these activities, I don’t enjoy them with everyone. In fact, the only man who has permission to do these things to me is MasterDoc.
I can’t help but think that rather than curiosity this person is looking for masturbation material or an indication that I would let them do these things to me. (I mean, if you read my blog at all you would know the general answer to these questions. Plus there’s already plenty of masturbation material here.) I don’t mind if someone gets off reading my accounts of things I’ve done. I’d be stupid and naive to think people don’t do that. But just because you’ve had a hot little wank session thinking about me does not mean I want to a) know/hear about it or b) make it real with you. I will often answer questions like I did the one above, getting specific that just because I’m into an activity, doesn’t mean I’d do it with just anyone.
would u liked to be fucked so rough and abused that u were sore the next day?
Yes, but by MasterDoc.
Being a slut does not mean I have to fuck everyone who’s interested in me or everyone who asks. I am a human being first and foremost and I have the option of turning down any and every potential sexual partner for whatever reason I deem appropriate. I do not owe anyone a cybersex session just because they’re turned on by my pictures or words. I tend to get really annoyed when someone tries to cyber with me without even asking if I want to. Most of the time when I’m online I’m either at work, or relaxing in the evening, and totally not in the mindset to talk dirty with a complete stranger. I’d appreciate being asked if I’m interested and for you to take my “no” graciously and back the fuck off. I’m not a fan of cybersex. And should I actually talk sex with you one time, doesn’t mean I’m obligated to do it again.
This all seems to go back to the sexist idea that women’s bodies and sexuality are public property. Let me clarify for you: No one has rights to my body or sexuality unless I give them permission. Yes, even MasterDoc had to get my permission before I submitted to him and gave him so much control over me and my sexuality. I reserve the right to take away permission from anyone at any time. If I say no, I mean no – not “try harder.” The best way to get my attention is to treat me with respect and be an interesting, intelligent person. Just because you promise to do things to me that I usually find erotic doesn’t mean I will let you. I’m more creeped out than turned on by some completely anonymous person talking about what they want to do to me sexually (or someone I don’t know doing the same). It makes me feel like the future target of a sexual assault, not sexy and desirable. Just because you feel like you know me from reading this blog doesn’t mean I know a thing about you or have any reason to feel comfortable or safe talking dirty with you.
Even though I will fuck random strangers at clubs while out with MasterDoc, this does not mean I will fuck anyone. The men I fuck are chosen carefully by myself and/or MasterDoc. I do not owe anyone a fuck just by virtue of being a slut. The biggest reason I’d turn down someone? Feeling unsafe.
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