Archive for the 'commitment' Category

Davey

Published on July 2, 2010 in Uncategorized, commitment, dating, emotions, musings and poly. 3 Comments

I’ve found that even when you initiate a break up with someone, it can still be terribly painful and sad. I was with Davey for 5.5 years – the longest relationship I’ve ever had. A few weeks ago I drew things to a close.

Part of me is bewildered at what I’ve done. I love him, I do, but romantically things had fizzled out for me. I never discussed it on here because I didn’t think it would be fair to Davey. As it is, he stopped reading my blog when it became too painful to read about the sex I was having with other people, but not him. I think it’s especially sad when you love someone and want them to be important in your life, but you decide you’d rather be friends than lovers.

Of course, all this is doubly painful for Davey because his feelings for me didn’t change.

He told me last night that he plans to move out. I now need to move or find a roommate. We were planning to go on a cruise together in September but I doubt that’s happening now. I want to remain close friends with him but only time will tell if we manage that.

I’ve come to realize, or at least believe for now, that for me emotionally I’m fairly monogamous (but non-monogamous physically and affectionately). I can care about, have affection for, lust after multiple people. But when I fell in love with MasterDoc it became harder for me to stay romantically involved with Davey. I see this as my own shortcoming, and if there’s any blame to be placed for this breakup it’s with me, definitely. I pulled away from him. I lost interest in sex. And the whole time I felt horrible guilt over this. Davey is a wonderful guy. Truly. He is one of the best. He has always treated me really well and we’ve had so much fun together. I’m hoping we can maintain a friendship because I love spending time with him. We both love travel and dining out and these are things I don’t get to do with MasterDoc often. Davey and I like a lot of the same music.

It took me a long time to work out if this was the right decision, because in so many ways being with Davey is wonderful. But I ultimately felt that if I wasn’t going to have sex with him or I didn’t feel romantic towards him then it was unfair to hang on just for my benefit. Luckily, he has other girlfriends he sees regularly, so I hope that being poly will help soften the blow for him. I can understand this being hard for him, however, as for many years I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. But things change sometimes.

“Do it to Julia!”

Published on March 27, 2010 in D/s, Uncategorized, attraction, bdsm, blow jobs, commitment, cunnilingus, dom, embarrassment, emotions, exhibitionism, happy, horny, humiliation play, kink, libido, masochism, masturbation, musings, non-monogamy, optimism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, poly, sadism, sex, sex parties, shio, slut, spanking, squirting, submissive and trust. 1 Comment

I’ve spent plenty of time the last two months bitching about struggling through PMS. I’m happy to say this month is better, but even though it seems like all is well, I can tell that in a way my mood has gone a bit manic this time. I’m not bipolar, but I think even in regular depression sometimes your mood will swing the other way – just far less often than a person with bipolar might experience. I find myself giddy this month, googly-eyed lovey, eager to do things. I went for an hour long walk today. I never do that! So while the symptoms this month could be described as “positive” I think it’s just another side of the coin from the “negative” symptoms of the past few months. I’m out of balance emotionally like I am every month, it’s just that this month seems more positive.

Last night I had a wonderful night out with MasterDoc. My giddy, lovey mood made me really appreciate how happy I am with him. I really got into our dynamic and realized how fulfilling it is for me. It’s funny, because I constantly struggle with two different desires – there’s a part of me that’s independent and wants to make my own damn decisions but there’s another part of me that wants nothing more than for him to have control. These two parts sometimes conflict. A part of me says that I shouldn’t just let someone else control me like he does, but then I am so turned on and so happy when he does take control.

When we arrived at the swing club, he poured us some water since the bartender wasn’t around. I had said I was thirsty and I couldn’t wait until the water was poured. But, rather than hand it to me, he took a drink first. I wanted to say something as I was so thirsty, but the look he gave me said it all. “I want to make sure you remember your place,” he said to me. I went weak in the knees.

All last night, I found that being his slut was hotter than anything else. I realized that while we do sometimes like swinging with others, there are times like last night where the real kink being satisfied out at the swing club is that I’m his whore, and he gets to show off just what I will do for him. He gets to talk to me like I’m a dirty slut in front of everyone and I don’t object but instead am obviously turned on. I follow his command without hesitation or argument when he tells me to suck his cock, or take my clothes off, or come.

I have moments when I worry that some people are judging me for being such a whore. But then I get so turned on by it that I forget to feel embarrassed. While some might judge me, I think that most people find how I am to be phenomenally hot. The single men at the club are all eager to talk to us in the hopes of joining in. I’m not gorgeous, I’m fat and flabby, but I am a sex goddess there. And I am his. He gets to be the guy who has control over this nymph who wants to fuck and fuck and fuck. (And the reason I want to fuck and fuck and fuck is because I’m so fucking turned on by him.) We’re parts of a whole. It’s a dynamic. I give up control, he takes control and we’re both happy in those states.

Just when I thought I was tired from coming, I’d look into his eyes again and I’d start breathing shallowly and I’d ache for him to touch me and make me come. He can make me come without even touching any of the typical erogenous zones. For me, the hottest part of sex is the mind-fuck, the control. While the stimulation of my pussy is wonderful, the fact that he controls when I come makes the fucking amazingly more intense. I realized last night that being submissive and kinky really are integral parts of my personality. As my Dom, he fulfills me so much that I am willing to struggle with insecurity and jealousy because sharing him with others is still way better than not having him in my life. I think I’m also starting to grow more secure. I’ve been making a concerted effort to focus on the positive and I have started noticing things I’d ignore before in favor of dwelling on the negative. I noticed last night, truly noticed and internalized, how much he enjoys being with me. And I’m starting to see that his wanting to spend time with others doesn’t diminish that. Since I’ve grown so very fond of DeeDee, I can totally see why he wants to spend time with her. And that makes it easier to go busy myself with something else when they want time alone. (She does the same for me.)

Is this a breakthrough or just the hyper-happiness of PMS? I really hope it’s the former.

Unlike most entries I’m not really telling the story of what sex acts we did last night. It just doesn’t seem as interesting to me as capturing what goes on mentally. He made me suck his cock and he choked me on it in front of everyone. He fingered me to orgasm in front of an audience, he made me come by just stroking my legs, butt, hip and breasts. He made me come over and over, uncontrollably. I squirted a huge puddle a couple of times. He fucked me hard and spanked me with the hard wooden paddle. He let some random guy eat me out, and I didn’t so much come from his abilities (which were ok but not great) but I came from knowing I was doing it because I’m MasterDoc’s slut.  He made me come with my pants on just by grabbing my hair and talking dirty to me. I was so afraid I’d squirt in my pants!

I just kept thinking about how I’m really his whore and I will do nearly anything for him. That sort of power strikes me as scary at some moments, but I always come back to the key point that makes it not scary – he would never do anything to truly hurt me. He pushes my limits. He gets me to do things I thought I would never do, but he has never, not once done anything damaging to me. And even on the rare occasions where something didn’t quite work, he is fast to talk things over and make sense of what the issue was so he could avoid it in the future. Sometimes I think that it’s weird for a modern, feminist woman to be so deeply devoted to him, but I am.

The title of this entry came from MasterDoc, who of course got the line from George Orwell’s novel 1984. Near the end of the story, the main character (Winston) is locked up by the totalitarian government. They make him betray his love, Julia, by scaring him to death with something he fears the most (I want to say it was rats but I can’t recall). They make him break down and tell them that he wants them to do this horrible thing to Julia, not him. They make Winston betray her. MasterDoc has a knack for talking about something kinky and difficult and possibly painful, and he is good at making DeeDee and I encourage him to do it to the other, as long as he’s not doing it to us. He thinks this is hot. lol He really does like having power and control, doesn’t he?

The Loss of a Friend

Published on September 10, 2009 in D/s, Uncategorized, anxiety, commitment, dom, emotions, musings and trust. 3 Comments

I was shocked and saddened yesterday to find out that Urban Libertine had passed away in his sleep on Sunday morning. I had only met him and Momo this year and become friendly with them – I’ve only hung out with them twice at their place during sex parties, but I count them both as friends. We’d twitter at each other and flirt a bit and I looked forward to getting to know them better. When I noticed Momo’s twitters sounding like something really bad had happened, I sent her a tweet asking about it. I had no expectation of it being as serious and final as death. He was a nice guy and I’m sad that my friendship with him won’t be able to go any further. At the last party, I didn’t get to have sex with him, but I thought, “I’ll just have to make sure I get with him next time.” Who knew there wouldn’t be a next time? He was only 40. Just a few years older than me.

Now, some people might wonder why I’m so very sad about this when I barely knew him. I mean, I don’t even know his last name. But it got me thinking about emotional vs. physical intimacy. We put emotional intimacy up on a pedestal and declare it “superior” to physical intimacy, but in the meantime we forget that physical intimacy IS intimacy. Taking someone into your body is an intimate act. No, it’s not the same thing as becoming emotionally intimate with someone, but this is the first time someone I’ve had sex with has passed away (to my knowledge). I was fond of him as a friend and I’m fond of his lady as a friend as well. I ache for her deep in the bottom of my heart every time I think about what she must be going through losing him so suddenly. They had a D/s relationship from what I know, and she affectionately called him Daddy. They seemed to be so in love and so happy. I’m so sad for her to lose someone so dear.

Of course, this got me thinking – how would I cope if I suddenly lost MasterDoc? I don’t like to think about it as the thought terrifies me. Last Saturday I got a peek into how much I depend on him. I was having terrible stomach pains and wondered if I should go to the hospital. I couldn’t reach MasterDoc (his phone battery had died) and so I put off going. I wanted his guidance to tell me to go. It’s not that I’m incapable of making an intelligent decision about my own health care – I did decide to go considering I had just had a procedure the day before and the pain could be complications. But I dread hospital visits – particularly since it looked like I was going alone – so I put it off for a good hour and a half while I panicked and thought about what to do and hoped the pain would go away. Had I reached MasterDoc I would have acted sooner as he would have told me to go. (I am fine now, follow up with doctor tomorrow. I have gall stones – who knew? Shane drove all the way back from home to go to the ER with me. Davey and MasterDoc got my messages the next morning.)

While I’d be devastated to lose Davey, there’s an added layer to my relationship with MasterDoc due to the D/s component. I rely on him for input and decisions. I’ve gotten so used to his guidance that I feel like I’d be lost without it. I’ve finally found a Dom, something I’ve needed all along. How would I survive without one? I’m terrified at the thought. I have trusted him to do things to me that I’ve never trusted anyone to do before. I don’t want to have to look for another Dom. I can’t imagine someone else being able to take his place. He is able to read me like no one else.

Last night I appreciated seeing MasterDoc even more than usual. I counted my blessings to have him and I cried a bit as we cuddled because I was sad about the loss of Urban Libertine, sad for his lady Momo, and also scared at the idea of having to go through what she’s going through. The age difference between MasterDoc and me brings issues of mortality more to the fore. He’s 18 years older than me, and male, the odds are extremely strong that I will outlive him. I dread that day. Last night we made sure to tell each other how much we love each other. It was reassuring after this sudden loss and the upcoming trips that he’ll be making this month. I don’t see him again for six days. But I will cherish each day I have with him – near or far. Sometimes MasterDoc points out that he thinks part of why I’m so smitten with him is lust (not that he doubts my love, but he thinks a percentage of it is lust). But I would much rather have him in my life not having sex with me than losing him. I’ve become deeply attached to him. While I do lust after him, I also love him deeply.

Struggling with Polyamory

Published on March 23, 2009 in Uncategorized, anxiety, commitment, depression, derangement, happy, non-monogamy and poly. 2 Comments

I’ll have postings later about sexy stuff. Right now I’m deep in thought about polyamory. Those who follow my twitter will know I went through an emotional maelstrom this weekend when I felt as if my heart had been broken. What had happened is that I had been dreaming of living with MasterDoc and he made it clear that this wasn’t going to happen. He also pointed out that while he loves me, my love for him is probably a bit more intense. The biggest problem lay in my reading of this, rather than what was said. I read it as, “I don’t really love you all that much, nor do I really want to be with you.” And thinking this absolutely broke my heart. I’ve fallen deeply in love with MasterDoc and I can’t bear the thought of not having him in my life, loving me back.

After 24 hours or so of crying, agony, and talking with MasterDoc, the issue managed to subside. Somehow he phrased things differently when we spoke on Saturday night than he had when we spoke on Friday night. And I came to realize that he loves me. He really does. And that my not moving in with him might not be entirely personal – he has various reasons for it. Some of the reasons are personal, and I will get to them in a minute.

Through all this talking also came up the fact that while focusing on MasterDoc I’ve really given Davey short shrift. I haven’t focused on my relationship with him in a while and that’s not fair – and not terribly poly of me. I really hurt Davey recently when I mentioned wanting to go live with MasterDoc rather than him. It seemed like I was intent on pinning down MasterDoc for a monogamous relationship and abandoning Davey and that’s not really something I want. I need to stop treating Davey like shit and start realizing how lucky I am to have two wonderful men in my life. They’re very different from each other, but both love me a great deal. Somehow I had forgotten exactly what polyamory was about – loving, genuinely loving, more than one person. I need to find a balance, and maybe then I can start working on the issues in my relationships with MasterDoc and Davey.

I have issues with jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity. These are ugly things and it doesn’t feel good to admit to them. I’m better able to be happy for Davey when he’s spent time with someone new who he likes, much less so with MasterDoc. Clearly, I’m more secure in my relationship with Davey. (Um, I could really be accused of taking him for granted.) But of course if I want poly to work (and I want to date other people myself) then I need to learn how to deal with these issues. Long ago I decided I didn’t like one of the other women who MasterDoc dates. Now I had met her once or twice and we didn’t really click, but the dislike came from something totally else – I felt threatened that maybe she wanted MasterDoc all to herself. I felt threatened that she would take him away from me some day. I’ve nursed this dislike along, rather than dealing with the real issue and it’s something that’s done nothing but make me unhappy and make MasterDoc unhappy.

It’s time for me to learn to deal with my insecurity. Insecurity is at the root of all my jealousy and possessiveness issues. I feel like I’m not good enough and so the person I love will decide to leave me for someone “better.” I act all clingy and jealous as a result and no one’s happy in the end. MasterDoc is very much a polyamorous person. It’s his true nature. He enjoys spending time with many women, and loving more than one at a time. I have to deal with this. I have to find a way to not feel insecure and to genuinely feel happy for him that he’s seeing someone cool and different. Polyamorists generally call this feeling compersion. But as long as I’m wallowing in jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity I feel nothing but miserable when he spends time with someone new. I’ve come to terms with him sometimes spending weekends with the woman I decided I didn’t like (disliking her rather unfairly as you can see) but when someone new comes along I freak out. A few weeks back when I was dealing with all sorts of issues that put my pussy out of commission, MasterDoc had the chance to invite over a woman who he had met at a couple of parties. I was so bent out of shape over this. I was angry because I hadn’t been able to have sex in a week, we had to cancel Dark Odyssey, and dammit, I wanted to have fun. And also, I worried, what if she’s a better submissive than I am? What if he falls in love with her? Will he leave me?

These little freakouts wind up making me miserable and MasterDoc pretty unhappy as well. I need to learn to deal with these feelings and to be more confident in myself (i.e., he loves me and isn’t going to leave me just because he has a nice time with some other nice woman). I need to learn to identify my jealousy and insecurity so I can deal with these feelings rather than freaking out, or trying to put limits on what MasterDoc can do (not going to happen!). He pointed out that there’s no way I could live with him as long as I have these issues running rampant. What if I came home and he was fucking another woman on the living room floor? Would I deal with it well and just say, “Hey have fun!” and go amuse myself off in the bedroom for a while? (Heh, I think I’d be more likely to see if I could join in, but anyway…) Or will I have a hissy fit and feel terribly inadequate and insecure? MasterDoc is going to fuck other women. He is going to date other women. This is a fact of being with him. If I lived with him and he decided to invite over that woman I’ve decided to dislike, what would I do? Would I graciously leave them to enjoy time together while I found other things to occupy my time? At this point in my life that is highly doubtful. How on earth could I ever live with him while I react like this?

So I’m determined to do a few things. I’m determined to learn to identify my jealousy and deal with it appropriately. (It will certainly take some trial and error.) I want to try to learn how to feel compersion. After all, I want my partners to feel good when I’ve had a nice time with someone else. It will make both myself and my partners happy if I can feel ok with them spending loving time with others, and hell, I want to be happy, not miserable. I’m going to try to get over my irrationally intense dislike of this other woman. I may never become best buddies with her, but I aim to feel neutral about her and her spending time with MasterDoc. I’m going to try to pay more attention to issues I’m having with Davey rather than giving up (MasterDoc has decided to intervene and try to do what he can to help). All this is a mountain of hard work, but god, if I want these men in my life I need to learn to be a better person. If I want to be poly, and I do, I need to learn that my partners being happy is cause for me to be happy, even if I’m not the one making them happy at that point in time. This will take time. In the meanwhile I’m going to do what any good librarian does and research the topic of polyamory and jealousy. I’ve dug out The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities and re-read the chapter on jealousy. I’m going to look through Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships for more advice. And I’m going to talk to other poly people I know to see how they deal with these things. I want my relationships to work. I need to get to working on them.

Unconventional

Published on March 25, 2007 in commitment, marriage and non-monogamy. 0 Comments

It’s all too easy for me to forget that most of the world doesn’t think like I do about relationships. Last night I saw a friend I haven’t seen in years (she lives across the country) and while on the outside she’s gothy and unconventional, her idea of relationships is pretty conventional. She has this very nice boyfriend who she’s planning on moving out to the east coast for. I asked her when she’s planning on moving, since I’m the one established friend she has in the area, and she furtively pointed to her ring finger to denote that she’s moving once her boyfriend has gotten her an engagement ring. The idea of waiting to be with someone, of measuring their commitment by a ring is such a foreign idea to me. It’s not that I’m casual with my relationships, not at all, after all, Davey is the first boyfriend I seriously considered living with (and thereby have lived with). But marriage is so far out of my realm of thinking that it strikes me as odd when someone I know wants to get married. Personally, I see it as an outdated institution that’s hardly necessary for happiness and commitment.

Of course, I’m happy that my friend has met someone she wants to be with, and he seems like a very nice (and musically/creatively talented) guy and I’m all for them being together and being happy. I just don’t get the marriage thing. I certainly won’t hold it against her if she marries – that would be ridiculous. Nor would I ever try to talk her round to my way of thinking. It’s just a behavior that makes me scratch my head. Very few relationships in life last forever. Friendships come and go, relationships work for a while then stop working. People change. Davey and I are realistic about the fact that we might not be together forever. While things are going so well we of course hope it lasts forever, but you never know where life will take you. Davey’s been married and as he seeks to get a divorce from his ex finalized he often gripes about how easy it is to get married but how difficult it is to dissolve that legal union. If it was as easy to dissolve it, I might not be so against it. It seems like the legal system is determined to keep you married once you’re there. Society pressures us to do it and then makes it difficult to get out of.

I can understand wanting to have some sort of committment ceremony to declare your love for someone. And I can see legally contracting to partner up to own property together, raise children, etc. but I can’t see these things being requirements. I loathe the fact that marriage is expected of us. I might not mind the idea of it if it weren’t so damn expected. Even though “living in sin” isn’t as taboo as it once was, I still end up bearing people’s expectations that I’m waiting for the ring, that I’d be happier if Davey and I would tie the knot. But I’m perfectly happy with our current situation. I’m happier with Davey than I’ve ever been, and we’re non-monogamous and not married. To hell with the idea that you need those two things to be happy.