I spent part of last weekend on my own as MasterDoc and Davey both had plans with other girlfriends. I used this to my advantage on Saturday, getting done many things I had been putting off. I finally went for a hair cut, got my car’s oil changed, went shopping. But unfortunately once I was finished with errands for the day I started getting lonely.
I was happy to be invited over to MasterDoc’s on Sunday morning. But when I saw toys strewn about on the bedroom floor it upset me. Some of the items are mine, and it seems really disrespectful to leave them tossed about. I also got upset because it looked like it was bondage gear that had been used (although its use was only assumed on my part) and I have been asking for bondage play often but not getting it. I explained to MasterDoc why this bothered me, and he’s very different than me in emotional matters – so it’s hard for him to fully grasp how hurt I felt. He has promised that next time he will put things away (after all, I wouldn’t have given the idea of what he did in bed with the other girlfriend a second thought without my toys being on the floor). Yes, we’re poly and he obviously has sex with others (as do I sometimes) but it felt like it was shoved in my face, even though that definitely wasn’t MasterDoc’s intention. (He’s just messy and didn’t get stuff put away.) It really bugs me to come over and find my toys laying about. I feel resentful at the idea of cleaning up after someone else’s fun – particularly when I just spent the better part of two days totally alone, horny and having only masturbation to turn to.
So this put off our sex for a bit because I needed soothing. We cuddled, I explained my feelings to him and I took a nap. He cleaned up the toys on the bedroom floor later on (what a mensch! You can be a Dom and a nice guy at the same time), and he took the time to get me off – mentioned how he should be rough with me more often and acted correspondingly. He slapped my pussy, twisted my nipples, at one point when I was really turned on and breathing heavy he grabbed my throat. It was fucking hot. He made me come and come and come. The number of orgasms he gives me is just amazing. He knows that beatings and orgasms always improve my mood immensely. The next bit improved my mood as well.
After I had recovered from my orgasm, I started touching him. I started stroking his arm and soon I was licking it, making love to just his forearm. But if you know how to do these things right, this can be utterly erotic in and of itself. I’ve learned his technique – I pay close attention to his reactions and remember what makes him quiver. And perhaps the best advice – I truly enjoy touching him. I think if you’re getting off on the tactile stimulation of your partner, they will be too. He and I can now touch each other in non-erogenous zones and get each other worked up. It is an amazing feeling to be able to make him feel like that. He had me suck his cock and I really got into it since I was so horny. I remembered that he wants lots of slobber, so I did my best to wet it down thoroughly. I got it in deep and loved when he put his hands in my hair, eagerly hoping he would choke me on his cock.
He wanted me to show him what I had learned from the dvds I watched this weekend. He lay on his back and I massaged his ass. I lubed him up well and gently but firmly massaged his sphincter muscles. I worked a finger in and was sure to turn my hand palm up so I could use my finger to stroke along the top wall of his rectum – seeking out the prostate gland. I had learned enough from watching the video that his cock dripped pre-come like crazy (not something that usually happens) and he derived great pleasure from it. It is amazing to be able to make your partner feel that good. I continued this for a while until he asked me to slowly remove my finger (and I definitely recommend doing this slowly, gradually rather than yanking your finger out). Knowing that prostate massage is good for men’s health, I plan to do this for him more often. And, well, it’s just totally hot. I recommend learning this if you’re partnered with a man.
We wandered out of the bedroom and did more stuff. I started getting a bit gloomy, feeling like maybe he didn’t understand my upset earlier or (new insecurity that cropped up) that he didn’t see how he doesn’t talk to me when he’s with someone else, but he does talk (on phone, on internet) with others very often when he’s with me. Granted, much of the time I don’t mind if he talks to others. I don’t need to be attended to every second of the day. But I think I was more upset that when I’m alone and miss him, I don’t get to speak to him much.
He took me into the bedroom, and made clear to me that the caning he was setting up was NOT punishment. He said he heard me, and saw that there was truth in it. But he knows that a good caning and orgasm can fix my down moods. He gave me the magic wand to use as I wished and he gave me a good, leisurely caning. I was soon too busy being aroused and humping the magic wand to give a shit about anything that might have upset me before. He stroked my pussy on the outside, exploring my reactions and he fingered me a bit as I came. I found yesterday that I would get aroused so fast that not coming was really difficult to do. When he would let me come I’d travel off into the orgasm, losing sight of all around me (literally and figuratively). I ended up laying flat on the bed, magic wand buzzing away by my clit as I held it against it and I continued to come as he caned me.
I really appreciate how he listened to me. And how he did the things he knows cheer me up – orgasms and a beating. I’m still longing for bondage play, but I realize that I am very, very lucky even if I don’t get what I want all the time. (Who does?) It’s wonderful that I can bring up little things that bother me and impress upon him at the same time that this doesn’t mean I’m unhappy with him – I’m just trying to deal with things that bother me so we can go back to being deliriously happy rather than worrying about the nagging things.
See the dark line right on my butt at the bottom edge of the photo? Major cane stripe. My butt still hurts over 24 hours later. As if there was any doubt, I'm a masochist and MasterDoc is a sadist.
It had been a while since I had a beating. I felt like I needed one and made sure to tweet about it. I’ll bet MasterDoc was already planning one, however, as he commented recently that I hadn’t had one in a while AND that I needed one. (The latter part said after I made some smart ass remark, I’m sure.)
He saw our friend V. the other morning. She doesn’t have anyone else to give her proper (and well-done) beatings, so MasterDoc gladly obliged. He intended to see if I could handle the same beating as V., however part way through he realized that he didn’t get to fuck V. and he sure as hell was going to take the chance while beating me.
He had me put on the blindfold, and I wasn’t able to see what implements he was getting out. He started with the small flogger, which I can recognize by the sting. He warmed up my ass and interspersed some hard hand slaps as well.
He used the large flogger on my ass and upper back – and even had me sit up straight briefly for some serious upper back flogging.
He moved on to the wooden paddle – I think that is one of my least favorite impact toys. It’s flat and unyielding, and therefore hurts like a motherfucker. My body would contract instinctively in an attempt to move my ass away from the blows. MasterDoc pays close attention to the noises I make and my bodily reactions and varies his beating accordingly. You can’t (or, at least, shouldn’t) beat your sub relentlessly hard. Unless they’re into that of course. But a beating that starts light and increases in intensity and then varies intensity according to how the sub is processing the pain is ideal.
He switched to the canes. While the pain is more concentrated than the paddle, I usually find it easier to bear as it covers a small amount of flesh at a time. I can imagine that marks were starting to come out on my ass at this point. MasterDoc decided to get in some fucking and had me move to the end of the bed. He stood behind me and slapped my ass with his cock. He lubed me up (surprisingly the beating hadn’t lubed me up quite enough) and slid his cock in. It was yummy getting fucked, and he did it slowly. Leisurely. He varied the intensity so that he’d keep teasing me. He’d bring me to the edge of orgasm and then slow down. He’d later thrust in deeply to hear me moan. I wondered if he was going to come again, but I just kept focusing on being fucked by his delicious cock. He spanked, paddled, caned me from time to time.
With the blindfold on I was in darkness and my focus was entirely on the sensations. He told me to come, and as I did he kept his cock inside for long time by thrusting in deeply. Unfortunately, I eventually had “female premature ejaculation”* and my vagina of steel pushed his cock out before his orgasm. He slapped my pussy and I started to squirt. Unfortunately I wasn’t on top of the throe and he had to have me scoot forward on the bed so I didn’t soak the sheets.
After I recovered for a few moments, he handed me the Hitachi magic wand and caned me some more. The feeling of the vibe on my clit brought me to the edge of orgasm again. And the cane strikes didn’t hurt as much as before but pushed me closer to orgasm. I’m sure this is the point where I ended up with such major bruising and cane stripes. As I hurtled towards orgasm, I could withstand more and more intense caning. I was ready to come, and with his permission I came, squirting all over the magic wand and throe. He caned me for a little longer and then worked his thick fingers inside my pussy. He manipulated my g-spot and I came even harder. I squirted again and didn’t want him to stop. It felt amazing.
After, I collapsed on the bed. He had me take off the blindfold and my collar. I lay there grinning from ear to ear, but my ass was so sore! (And the skin was broken apparently!) We had some tender cuddles and kisses – something I doubt the average vanilla person pictures when they think about BDSM and Dom/sub relationships. But the pain is always surpassed by the love and affection I get. We’re two halves of a whole. I like pain, he likes giving it, but only to people who are consenting. It’s a lovey dynamic indeed.
Of course, MasterDoc being MasterDoc, he contemplated pissing on my bruised and lacerated ass. This remained only a contemplation, however.
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*This is our new term. Female premature ejaculation is when a pussy pushes the cock out before the guy can come. Feel free to add it to Urban Dictionary and use it widely. Just give us credit.
This Lady Gaga song inspired me to write a bit of erotica for a change. The video has nothing to do with my fantasy, but I love it all the same for being totally campy and sexy at the same time.
This is some pretty kinky shit, but if you read here regularly you should realize the kinds of things that are talked about on this blog. And without further ado: “Show Me Your Teeth.”
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She had dared him to go further than before. The butterflies tickled her stomach as she wondered if she could handle what he was going to dish out.
She had shared some of her darkest fantasies with him – the ones where she’s tied up helpless, the ravishment fantasies, the ones where he does things to her she likes to think she doesn’t want. But at the same time becoming his slut entirely turns her on immensely and she hopes that her gentle teasing has gotten him worked up enough to really push her limits this time.
She had spent some time reassuring him that she was ready for this. She wanted him to reach down and find those dark places of his soul and utilize them so they could both fulfill the twisted fantasies that brought them together.
He put her collar around her neck, and while he usually wasn’t big on protocol, he ordered her to kneel before him, forehead touching the floor. She did as she was told and steeled herself for what she hoped would be a bumpy ride.
He placed his foot on her head, holding it down.
“Are you sure you’re ready slut?” he asked her.
“Yes, Sir,” she replied immediately. She could feel her cunt begin to get wet. He removed his foot from her head and had her sit up. He sat on the sofa across from her spot on the floor and looked into her eyes.
“You are going to do everything I tell you tonight without question. I am going to take you to a place of humiliation and submission that you’ve never been to before.” She took a deep breath at this. “Go get the behind the back restraints.”
She was thrilled he asked for those – she had always hoped they’d use them again. Just having them on made her hot. When she returned to the room with the restraints, he stood up and put them on her. He buckled the collar, then buckled each wrist into their respective cuffs. She straightened up, and in this position her full breasts stood out. He took a hunk of her hair in his hand and shook her head around a little. She closed her eyes in a bit of a swoon. While her eyes were closed, he raised his hand and slapped her across the face a few times, each time a little harder than the first. When she opened her eyes he looked at her intently.
“I’ll be back in a moment. I expect you to stand at attention for me right here, understand?”
“Yes, Sir.”
She could feel every inch of her skin thrum as she heard him go off into the bedroom where the toys were kept. She tried to figure out what he was getting by the noises, but she couldn’t be certain. There was a chain noise and otherwise the noises were indistinguishable.
He came up behind her and placed a blindfold over her eyes. Now she was helpless and unable to see. He started to pull something else over her face, and she soon realized it was the muzzle. Her helplessness increased with not being able to communicate easily. He tweaked a nipple and she practically gushed wetness knowing that she was at his mercy. A chain rattled. She tried to discern if it was a leash or not. As he started pulling at her nipples, making them stand out, she realized that the chain must be one that connects two nipple clamps. The question was, which ones?
He slowly released the clamp onto one nipple. As it continued to bite and bite she knew it must be the clover clamps. She took deep breaths through her nose to cope with the pain. Clover clamps weren’t something she’d grown accustomed to just yet.
“Take the pain for me slut,” he said as he tugged lightly on the clamp to make sure it was on securely. She whimpered and he stroked the side of her face. “Breathe deeply. That’s it.”
He went for the other nipple and soon the other clamp was biting into her flesh. On the one hand, she wondered if she could stand the pain, on the other, her cunt felt like it was on fire. He pulled a little on the chain and she whimpered loudly. She moved her hands instinctively but of course found them to be secured behind her back, where they couldn’t do her any good.
He helped her balance as she was lowered onto her knees on the floor. Her senses were flooded with the pain, and the feel of his hand on her shoulders, and the anticipation of what might come next. He removed the muzzle. “You’re not to speak unless spoken too, understand cunt?”
“Yes, Sir,” she replied.
She heard him unzip his pants and he took his semi-hard cock out and slapped her on the face a few times. “You’re my cock-sucking whore,” he said, “You’re my piss-drinking whore. You’re my ass-licking whore. Open your mouth.” He put his cock in and she hoped that he was too hard to piss in her mouth. Anyway, he wasn’t likely to do it in the living room where there would be a mess if she failed to catch every drop.
She sucked, having a hard time keeping his ever-hardening cock in her mouth without the use of her hands. He grabbed the back of her head, and pulled her face right into his crotch. She tried to breathe through her nose while he gagged her on his cock, but soon she was sputtering and dripping drool down her chest. “Again, whore,” he said as he pushed his cock into her mouth and straight to the back of her throat again. He fucked her mouth hard and drool ran down her chin. Snot started to flow out of her nose and she was sure her makeup would be moist and messed up under the blindfold. He choked her repeatedly on his large cock, and then pulled her head back by the hair and slapped her face a few times. She could feel her sense of will melting as she became nothing more than his whore. She wanted him to hurt her. She wanted him to use her.
He reached down and slowly removed the clover clamps. She cried out as they came off and the blood painfully rushed back into each nipple. He slapped her for making noise and put the muzzle back over her mouth. “Get up,” he said and he helped her to her feet as she couldn’t hold her balance with her arms behind her. He undid the restraints and she rolled her shoulders to ease the soreness in them. She could hear and feel a leash hook onto her collar and he led her, still blindfolded, into the bedroom. He had her kneel on the bed, head down, ass in the air. Without warm up, he caned her a few swift times. She cried out under her muzzle.
Next this cold and slick fingers were pushing into her ass, lubing her up. She could feel the cold steel butt plug as he stroked it teasingly around her asshole. He pushed, and it slid in, filling her up. With his other hand, he checked between her pussy lips. “You’re a wet little slut, aren’t you?” She could hear the wet noises as he slapped her pussy. He slid a finger inside and wiggled it around just a little bit. She moaned and pushed back onto his hand.
He laughed.
“Not yet slut.”
He removed the muzzle and the blindfold, and slid his finger, slick with her juices, into her mouth. She obediently sucked his finger clean. As he pulled away momentarily, her eyes blinked, adjusting to the light in the room. She could still feel the heavy steel plug in her ass. He told her to lay down on her stomach and rest for a moment. He gathered up more toys.
He lay down next to her on the bed and she pulled herself close to his chest. She wanted him so badly that she started to lick his chest and massage it with her fingers. He let her do this for a moment, and lay back to enjoy her attentions.
His cock was hard again when he had her stop and lay on her stomach. She felt the cold swipe of an alcohol wipe on each ass cheek. This could only mean one thing – needles. Her ass chilled as the alcohol evaporated from her skin. She listened to him unwrap a couple of needles. He grabbed one ass cheek and slid a needle into her flesh, the needle exiting out a short distance later. She took a deep breath and her body soon flooded with endorphins. He stuck her again, on the other side this time, and again she was flying high on her body’s own natural drug. She was blissfully in subspace. Her will had dropped completely, and she only wanted to do whatever he wanted her to do. He let her lie there and enjoy the rush for a few minutes. He knew, however, that this was the ideal time to really push her limits.
After removing each needle, he asked her if she was able to stand. “I think so, Sir,” she replied and unsteadily sat up on the bed. He looked into her eyes, leaned forward, and kissed her deeply.
“You’re a good girl. Now let’s see if you’re as obedient as I expect you to be tonight.”
He led her into the bathroom, and she knew this meant piss play. She always had such mixed feelings about piss play. On the one hand it was degrading and gross. On the other hand, she relished him putting her into that mental space. It wasn’t that she thought she was worthless, it was just that him making her feel dirty and under his control gave her such a high.
He had her kneel in the cold tub. Would he just pee on her, or would this be the time he finally followed through with his threat and peed in her mouth? He removed her collar, “just for practicality’s sake.” She knew that even without that symbol around her neck she was expected to obey.
“Are you my obedient slut?”
“Yes, Sir. I’m your obedient slut.”
He made sure to look into her eyes as he spoke. “I expect you to prove that now to me. This next part can be as easy or difficult as you make it. I expect you to try your hardest to please me.”
She could feel herself shake a little. This was it. This was when he followed through on the months of threats. God, would she be able to stand the taste of piss in her mouth? Would it totally freak her out? Thankfully the endorphins from earlier were still flowing and she felt a rush when faced with the challenge of doing that which she found totally repulsive. He stepped as close to the tub as he could, and took his mostly soft cock into his hand. He took hold of her hair with the other hand. “Open your mouth.”
She did as she was told, with only a slight hesitation. She closed her eyes tight, but he wasn’t having that. “Look at me, bitch!” She opened up her eyes and looked up at him, standing over her like some sort of powerful god. He wanted to see her eyes as he did this. He wanted to watch the struggle as it unfolded in her head and showed in her eyes.
With her mouth wide open, and eyes wide open as well, she felt the first hot drops of piss land on her tongue. A panic came over her, but she steadied herself and let it flow into her mouth. He relished the look in her eyes. It was a look of panic and disgust, but she held herself still as he pissed into her mouth. He felt powerful knowing that he could make her do this.
“Swallow as much as you can, cunt.”
She gagged as she swallowed but she kept coming back for more because more than anything else she wanted to please him. She wanted to show her devotion by letting him use her however he wanted. When she’d gag and cough a little he ended up pissing on her face and into her hair. A few tears escaped the corners of her eyes. He took hold of her hair more tightly and continued to let go a long stream of piss into her mouth.
“Hold it in your mouth a moment. Show me.”
She knew he meant the piss and, struggling against all sorts of forces within her, she held a pool of it in her mouth, revolted by the taste. He looked into her eyes.
“Now swallow cunt.” She did and collapsed in the tub, crying. To an outsider, she seemed broken and devastated. But she felt a certain freedom in having let go of her inhibitions so. He let her collapse, but he continued pissing onto her body. “You’re my filthy, piss-drinking slut. One of these days I’ll do this with a whole crowd of men to watch. Then I’ll have them piss all over you as well. You’ll reek of piss and they will be amazed at how much you’re my whore.” He finished pissing on her.
“Clean up,” he said as he left the room. She slowly gathered her wits. She felt emptied out inside, like all her worries no longer had a space within her. Somehow she felt baptized, new. She adjusted the water in the tub and began rinsing herself off. She took handfuls of water into her mouth and rinsed it out as best she could. She had to wash her hair as he had pissed there as well.
She dried off. She put her collar back on and went to find Sir. Her damp hair hung limply and clung to her face. She had forgotten temporarily about the plug in her ass.
She found him in the living room and she asked his permission to use the toilet. He didn’t grant it right away but made her sit on the floor at his feet. The fullness of her bladder added to her arousal in some strange way. Still, she was becoming desperate to use the bathroom.
He lifted her chin and she had a hard time looking at him. “You’re a good girl,” he said. She let out a deep breath and focused her eyes on him. “You can go use the bathroom now.”
She paused for a moment, wanting to ask if she could remove the plug from her ass, but then she remembered that she wasn’t to speak unless spoken to. Thankfully, he noticed the conflicted look on her face and he asked her what she was thinking.
“May I please remove the plug from my ass, Sir?”
He laughed a little. “I had forgotten it was in there. Yes, you may remove it. Now go use the bathroom and meet me in the bedroom after.”
He handed her the ball gag when she arrived. She put it on and he had her get on hands and knees on the bed again. He stroked his hard cock and put a condom on it.
He pulled her ass apart and could see the slick, shaved lips of her cunt. She was remarkably wet. He slid his cock into her and fucked her slowly. Her muffled moans turned him on more, and he felt a sense of ownership over her. She moaned and pushed her hips back to sink his cock as deeply as she could. His cock stayed completely rigid as he fucked her. Her moans became louder through the gag. She could come at any second, he only had to give the word. But he was enjoying teasing her and he pounded her cunt a little with his cock, listening to the desperation grow in her moans.
Finally, he thrust his cock as deep inside her as he could and told her to come. His entire body trembled and he could feel her cunt convulse around his cock. She made a remarkable amount of noise for someone who was gagged. As she came, he felt his own arousal peak and shot forth a wad of hot come. He groaned and twitched as her pussy continued milking his cock as she came. He felt his balls suddenly drenched as she squirted. He smiled.
As they both lay limp on the bed after, he put his mouth to hear ear and said, “I’m very proud of you cunt.” She glowed from within from his compliment.
Last night I went out to a party with MasterDoc and DeeDee. She’s now staying with MasterDoc until she gets herself settled in New York, so we’ll get to hang out more often.
I was feeling blue and moody, thanks to the usual premenstrual issues, but I was at least able to control my feelings this time, and realize that they were hormonal rather than real issues. It was wonderful that DeeDee noticed I was out of sorts and she asked what she could do or not to that evening to help – this is why we’re friends. Just hearing that helped de-grumpify me a little bit.
We went out in the pouring rain because MasterDoc was bringing the sybian to this party, so he had an obligation to show up. I found early in the evening that I needed cuddles more than anything else, and DeeDee and I sat on either side of him on a sofa for a while after we arrived at the party. The cuddles definitely helped me. I was fortunate since MasterDoc and DeeDee had had sexual and bdsm fun in the afternoon, so he focused on me a little more which I really needed last night.
The party started really slowly. It seemed the singletons showed up early so no one was playing. I felt like we were beyond the kink level of the attendees, but later when things started picking up and more couples arrived, I found that while we were decidedly more sexual than most, the others there were pretty damn kinky. I went down on MasterDoc for a while (despite the slight discomfort from bending over in my waist cincher) and DeeDee took a turn after.
MasterDoc knows that spanking, coupled with orgasms, usually helps my mood a great deal. So he had me kneel on the sofa, facing the back and take my pants down. He spanked and flogged me for a while and it helped my asocial mood to be able to close my eyes and just focus on the beating. He soon had DeeDee kneel on the sofa next to me, and he took turns flogging, spanking and caning us both. It was strange to hear two blows but not feel anything (when he hit DeeDee) and then suddenly the next two blows hit my ass. He gave us vibes to play with and made us work ourselves up. It’s funny because both DeeDee and I felt kinda like it was somehow not okay to be so sexual when no one else was doing anything. But still, regardless of anxiety, MasterDoc’s voice telling us to come made us come at once. I was afraid to squirt on my pants that were down around my knees, so I held back a little, but I did come. The orgasms were kinda like skipping stones across a pond – not deep but repetitive.
MasterDoc gave me the first sybian ride of the evening, and the orgasms did me a world of good. If you ever get a chance to watch a woman on a sybian, please do. It is amazing how hard a woman can come – and now much! – when riding that amazing vibrator. My orgasms were insane – I kept coming over and over. Grabbing blindly at MasterDoc and coming uncontrollably. I squirted a couple of times and had to clean up afterwards. He kept pushing me until I was too exhausted to come any more. I lay down on the couch after and was happy when I could rest my head on MasterDoc’s lap. MasterDoc’s pms cure had worked again!
DeeDee is exploring her switchiness and she got to talking to a submissive man at the party. He seemed nice. Not entirely her type but at least he put service before his own kinky desires – quite refreshing compared to the guys DeeDee has met on collar me. He gave DeeDee a foot rub, and she kindly got him to give me one after. Ah it was wonderful. I may not be at all dominant, but I do appreciate a good foot rub. He did it as long as either of us wanted him to. He also bought DeeDee a soda when she asked, and later he helped her out of her panties when she went to ride the sybian and he held them during her ride – I’m sure that was an exciting bit of the night for him.
MasterDoc got another taker for the sybian and he gave a ride to another lady while her man held her up, and held her arms behind her back (oooh, restraint during intense orgasms! Me want!). DeeDee and I sat with the submissive man and discussed the progression that goes on during a sybian ride. It starts of seeming like nothing much, soon the woman is bucking her hips and riding the machine. Then it keeps intensifying and after a variable period of time she comes. Screaming orgasms. It may back off a little – partly because the body needs a break and partly because MasterDoc will turn down the vibrations a bit, but when he turns them back up another amazing orgasm is wrenched from her body. It is amazing and hot to watch. I think it’s even more so when you’ve been on a sybian yourself and you know the stages and how it feels.
The party host had a lady of his get a ride and didn’t let her come. Meanie! DeeDee and I were appalled and so thankful that MasterDoc isn’t into prolonged orgasm denial. Neither of us would be able to handle it. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to do, just not something that makes any sense whatsoever for me.
DeeDee wanted a sybian ride, so when MasterDoc looked around for more victims, er, volunteers I pointed to DeeDee to get his attention. Like I said earlier, the sub guy held her panties and while he fiddled with them a little he didn’t do anything creepy with them. It’s a shame he’s not more DeeDee’s type since he was quite nice, but I can see that a relationship wouldn’t really work with them. They’re not on the same page otherwise. DeeDee is really smart and educated, and she needs a man who can stimulate her intellectually.
MasterDoc hadn’t slept well the night before, and he decided to lay down on the couch and take a nap. He looked so cute sleeping there. There are times when you can still see the little boy inside the man and it’s incredibly endearing. DeeDee and I talked while MasterDoc napped.
Leaving was difficult since the party host wanted the sybian to stay around as long as possible, but I had worked that day and was pretty damn tired by 2 a.m. We were all ready to go home so we managed to say our goodbyes. The submissive guy happily carried the sybian out for us while MasterDoc pulled the car around.
I was in a much better mood after last night, and today, while I’m still feeling moody, I feel in relative control over myself. This is a good thing. MasterDoc had to go out in the morning for a while, and DeeDee and I just talked and talked for a few hours. As I tweeted at that time, life is good.
Friday night we had a couple over – I had met the woman on fetlife and in a funny coincidence she’s my age and her Dom is the same age as MasterDoc. They brought a bunch of toys over and MasterDoc immediately pounced on their cases and had to see what was inside. They had some things we have (medium rubber flogger, clover clamps) and some stuff we didn’t – namely a pussy pump. MasterDoc was excited to try that out.
But first, we chatted. MasterDoc was really “on” that night (at least I think so) and he was chatty and funny. He has a lot of funny stories to tell from his life and for the most part I don’t get tired of hearing them.
Our guests were interested in the sybian, and when given the choice of the flat, small, medium or large attachments, our ladyfriend went for the large. Yikes. Too big for me, and therefore proof that I’m not truly a size queen. I offered to get lube but she said she didn’t need any. Man, I wish I could get that wet and aroused just from hanging out talking about sex toys. I need a little help and actual physical contact usually.
She had her ride, MasterDoc’s back was bothering him so her Dom was the guy she had to fall forward onto (and grab onto – riding the sybian makes you grasp blindly at whatever you can hold onto). However, MasterDoc sat on the sofa beside him and worked the controls. It was hot to watch as always. I think this is why I don’t get porn where the women look like they’re acting – it’s so fucking hot to watch a woman in the throes of passion. Just going, “Ooh, ooh yeah baby” isn’t enough to make me think you’re hot for it. Why would porn like that ever be enjoyable? But when a woman ceases to be aware of her surroundings and just gets lost in the sensations, well it’s a beautiful thing to watch.
She managed to get two rides (she must have more stamina than me), but for her second ride she used the flattop. You see, the large dildo was too much of a good thing and it made her bleed a little. (Hooray for silicone toys that can be properly cleaned and disinfected between partners.) She was cropped and caned during the rides, and for the second one she wore clover clamps. She is made of tougher stuff than I. I was keen to get a ride myself, but first MasterDoc wanted to try out the pump.
He put the nipple cylinders on my nipples and pumped them. It was painful having my nipples sucked hard into the tubes. Next he tried the large cup that goes over the pussy and gave it a few pumps. I didn’t love the feeling but I can see where drawing that much blood into your parts could lead to heightened sensitivity. Thirdly, he tried the clit cylinder and sucked my clit up into it, making it big. (But I scoffed at calling it big since it’s not anywhere near as huge as a transman’s clit.)
Anyway, I got my sybian ride complete with caning and we chatted a while longer. They headed out and it seems that they had a good time. (The Dom emailed us the next day to say so.)
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Last night was even more fun. With MasterDoc’s back being out, he had brainstormed things he could do to me that required only minor effort on his part. You see, creativity can keep your sex life going despite adversity. Fucking would throw him into severe pain so that was out. Any sort of impact play would require moving and working muscles in such a way that it could worsen his back pain. But he realized that we have a Zeus Electrosex box (available at Extreme Restraints) that my friend Coy Pink won and sent to me since she wasn’t interested in it. (It’s so good to have sex blogger friends!) We hadn’t really used it to this point, but MasterDoc experimented last night.
I was very nervous when he placed the electro pads on either side of my labia. As he upped the intensity on each pattern it would hurt for a moment, and then translate itself into pleasure. There were only one or two patterns out of seven that I really didn’t care for. I felt the shocks in the crooks of my hips. He placed the pads differently, working on getting the shock current running through my clit. On the second try the electricity arced just over my clit and ran through my pubic mound. I placed the pads next time, and this time it worked. It felt like someone was tapping on my clit as he ran current through it.
He toyed with different settings. At one point he had me find a setting I liked and once confirming that I like it he set the box on random. I was enjoying myself one second and then saying, “Hey, it changed!” the next, which gave him a laugh.
I was surprised, although I don’t know why, at how easily my body can translate the pain of the electricity into pleasure. I contemplated my masochism, wondering if it’s getting deeper or if I’ve just simply started to allow myself to feel pleasure with these sensations that non-masochists would tell me aren’t pleasurable. I was leaning towards the latter. I don’t usually think of myself as sexually repressed, but I suppose in this society we all are to some extent. As I continue in a trusting D/s relationship I’m able to explore my darker fantasies and finally admit them not only to myself, but also to MasterDoc. When you have dark fantasies you need to be careful who you tell them to as they very often contain some risk – physical and/or emotional.
The level of electric shock that went into my body from this toy was just the right amount to get me aroused and lost in the sensation. MasterDoc got a little frustrated with me because he was looking for feedback since it’s a new toy, and at times I wasn’t able to express myself. It felt good enough that he could command me to come and I came from the sensation of the electricity running through my clit. I came two or three times this way. It’s hard to describe the sensation, it feels like your nerves are being stimulated directly under the skin rather than stimulated by sensations on your skin like most toys. Some of the electrical patterns were buzzy like vibrators, but again, it felt like it was vibrating inside my pubis rather than outside of it.
For the first time, I felt like my submission was realized in my orgasms. He kept the machine going and I just kept coming over and over and over again. I couldn’t stop. I was totally at his mercy. I had lost all control of myself to him and the toy. During one orgasm I had to beg him to stop because I couldn’t breathe.
And so, with very little movement and physical effort on his part, MasterDoc got me off and made me extremely happy. He had me suck his cock for a while after and I was enjoying it so much I pushed my endurance farther than usual. I love when his fingers entwine in my hair as I’m going down on him. Even if he doesn’t thrust his cock deep inside my throat the potential gets me hot.
After my mouth was fairly exhausted, he had me move up for a cuddle. He stroked his cock as I stroked his chest, and I found myself getting hornier and hornier because he was getting hornier and hornier. I pressed my naked body up against his and breathed shallowly against him, nuzzling his cheek. I reached down and massaged his groin until my hand was about ready to fall off. I didn’t mind really because it was so hot making him feel good.
When he was ready to come I watched his cock intently, wondering if I should just shove it in my mouth like I wanted to or if I should wait to find what he wanted me to do. I hesitated a bit, but probably indicated with my body language what I wanted to do. He told me to put it in my mouth as he came. I sucked his cock into my mouth – a little too hard and so backed off right away with the suction. His slick, come covered cock filled my mouth. I held the come in my mouth and he had me dribble it out onto the throe.
Very hot indeed.
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As I came up with the title for this post, I was reminded of MasterDoc’s recent comment. He says that there’s like an “arms race” between Doms these days – they keep buying bigger, fancier or more expensive toys and then show them off at parties.
So after a week of intense work and being busy nearly every night, I was thrilled to be going out with MasterDoc and DeeDee to a bdsm party on Friday night. When I got to MasterDoc’s after work, DeeDee was with a guy who’s come by for a few shows. They have clicked well and so above and beyond the shows they have fooled around. DeeDee had orgasm after orgasm as I relaxed in the next room with MasterDoc. I felt a little jealous, not having had an orgasm in days, however it was also really fun to hear her moaning over and over. The four of us ate dinner together, and DeeDee decided she was too worn out from all the sex to go out with us. I of course never object to a night out alone with MasterDoc.
The party was held in a New York City loft and they had a fair amount of bdsm equipment around. There was a suspension frame, a couple of different types of spanking benches, a cross against a wall, and the two techie toys – a fucking machine and MasterDoc’s sybian.
We arrived early since we were bringing the sybian, and it was super quiet early on. We relaxed, talked to some people and MasterDoc made it clear I was going to try the fucking machine. I was nervous about it and tried to have it put off as much as possible.
To get me in the mood (as I indicated I would surely need to be warmed up before being pounded by a machine) MasterDoc had me lean over a bench and he caned me. My pain tolerance was pretty good and he went at it for a while, alternating with hands, the riding crop and small flogger. He pressed my nea vibe to my clit and teased me, and unfortunately since the angle was odd he teased me even more than intended – he wasn’t quite on the right spot. So while it felt good and I was getting hornier and hornier, there was no way I would come from it. He told me I could come if I wanted to, whenever I wanted to, but I just couldn’t get there.
We took a break, during which we met a nice, young Asian-American woman who is new to bdsm but embracing it wholeheartedly. She’s subbing to the party organizer and he told her she was definitely getting a sybian ride. I got to sit right next to MasterDoc as he gave her the ride and as always it’s so hot to watch a woman in the throes of passion.
Towards the end of the ride, MasterDoc got a phone call, which he picked up while continuing the ride, much to everyone’s amusement. It was DeeDee, asking if she could come again. (!) Apparently the million orgasms she had had weren’t enough. He gave her permission to masturbate and then finished the young lady’s ride. He called DeeDee to check in on her after the ride and I started feeling impatient. I hadn’t had an orgasm in days, hadn’t had cock in nearly a week, and she had just had an amazing amount of orgasms. I love DeeDee, I consider her a good friend but at that moment all I could think was, (cue urban accent) “Bitch please! You’re taking up time when I could be having orgasms. You had plenty!” In retrospect, it’s kinda funny. After all, she had no way of knowing what we had or hadn’t done that evening. I wasn’t truly mad, but the timing was just lousy.
MasterDoc remedied the situation quickly by putting me on the sybian next. Very soon, I was begging for orgasm and he teased me for a while, getting me to climb even higher to the peak. I came hard and for a long time – I kept crying out “oh fuck, fuck, fuck” or “oh god, oh god, yes!” alternately. When I peeked around me during the orgasm, I was disappointed that there wasn’t a nice crowd around. People were pretty much busy elsewhere. But still, it remedied my lack of orgasm quite nicely. Unfortunately I ended up a little sore from grinding my clit into the nubby pad on the sybian. I think I need to turn the insertable part around so the smooth side is under my clit. I irritate my delicate inner labia in the heat of passion, which sucks.
So now that I was warmed up, MasterDoc wanted me to try the fucking machine. I was nervous. The lady who he had given the sybian ride to had just tried the fucking machine and her main reflection was that it was “big.” She had come though, so hard that her clenching vaginal muscles stopped the machine. The penis-like attachment looked a bit big for having pound me via machine, so I went with the smaller attachment, but this was less than ideal too. It was tapered at the end, which is useless for getting any g-spot stimulation and it was very flexible at the end, so when the machine was turned on it tended to pull out and not go right back in. We never really got the machine up to speed and I was clearly unhappy. Thankfully MasterDoc let me end things there. Another issue was that there wasn’t a bed, so the ideal position wasn’t possible. I knelt on the couch at an angle, uncomfortably.
And so my first fucking machine experience was a bust. I had been so anxious that it might miss the hole going back in and pound into my crotch. I have suspicions that often these types of machines are a turn on more for men than women.
The rest of the evening was relatively uneventful. There were moments when we saw some really hot scenes, and MasterDoc gave more sybian rides. Mostly the couples were male Dom and female sub, but there was a smoking hot fem Dom there who worked over the single submissive men. One of the nice parts of these parties (this is the second one I’ve been to organized by this host and MasterDoc and DeeDee went with our friend V. to one in between) is that they’re run by a black guy, and so there’s a big mix of ethnicities. So often I’ve only encountered white people out at bdsm events. I think until recently I subconsciously thought bdsm was really more of a white person thing (not to mention that until recently I hadn’t encountered the queer bdsm community either), but I’m happy to find that there are perverts in all demographics, and it’s wonderful that this party is truly inclusive of everyone.
There were stretches of boredom, but also some hot scenes like the big, strong, bald white guy who has a black submissive. He flogged her hard and I cringed a bit, even though I often like quite the same thing. However he pointed out that she likes it and proved this to me by barely touching her pussy through her panties and letting her come. Clearly, she enjoys kink as much as I do.
A guy with a nice body got flogged by the fem Dom and that was hot to watch. I pointed out to MasterDoc that male Doms have it easy – fem Doms have to flog in six-inch platform heels. (At least, if they’re going along with the male dominated view of what a female Dom should look like.) A few of the sub men purposely sissified themselves, and I have to admit that’s not really my thing. I prefer my men to be more manly but to each his own.
Saturday evening, MasterDoc, DeeDee and I went to the Kink Academy open house in Manhattan. Diva had convinced me to come so I could speak about the site since I think highly of it. I had just gotten to meet the “headmistress” Princess Kali the other night and I quite like her too. Having a circle of pervy friends and acquaintances is such a wonderful thing. They’re people I can be myself around.
The open house was lots of fun. There were demonstrations, contests – I participated (actually, I was first to volunteer) in a contest of putting condoms on bananas with our mouths. We all did well and got prizes. I had recently watched something with Midori teaching how to put a condom on with your mouth, so between that and Tess giving her lesson, I was ready. I also managed to win a hogtie (a metal ring with four leather straps coming off with clips at the ends – it’s used to clip together wrist and ankle cuffs into a hogtie position) and a complete set of Kink Academy’s scene starter cards. Whoo hoo! AND a one year free membership. Winning anything is uncommon for me, and to make out like a bandit yesterday I felt even happier that I went and spoke well of Kink Academy.
I got to meet various people who had heard of me, and it’s always nice when people compliment me on the blog. It really means a lot to be told that my openness about sexuality is having a positive effect. While I often think of this blog as mainly a space for me to record my adventures and express myself, I do partly do it as a means of sex-positive activism. To be recognized for it – even if it’s just a pat on the back – feels wonderful.
I’m terribly behind in chronicling this, but hopefully I remember (and jotted down) enough details to make this a worthwhile blog entry.
MasterDoc had a man over for a show on Monday. This man had seen DeeDee already and when MasterDoc texted him about coming over to see me, he sent the coded text: “Would you like to come see my other property Monday night?”
I set up my laptop so it played internet porn on MasterDoc’s television. There was a lot of chat, the guy who came was very friendly and not terribly unlike MasterDoc (same generation, Jewish, similar personality). It was a mostly jovial, relaxed situation that night. While that’s fun, it’s also hard to get “in the mood” when there’s a lot of joking.
MasterDoc and I both weren’t particularly horny that night, but the show must go on! He caned me for a while, lovely stripes showing up on my ass. I was in need of a beating so I was glad. After, MasterDoc had me suck his cock for a bit, but he wasn’t getting very hard because he had to urinate.
Yup. You can guess what happened next. The guy wanted to see him pee on me and MasterDoc was happy to oblige. I knelt in the tub while MasterDoc pissed on me and the other guy jerked off to orgasm. I have to admit, it was pretty fucking hot. The warm piss running down my body, some humiliation felt, the other guy obviously really excited and pulling furiously on his cock. Funny thing is, the guy said after that the peeing is just not his thing. Pretty funny considering how worked up he was and that he came quickly and easily!
When gathering toys for the show, I was smart and thought that MasterDoc might want the nipple suckers (they’re snake bite suckers really). I was dead on. He placed them on my nipples and the suction hurt. He mercilessly flicked them, watching the expression on my face.
He had me lay back with the suckers still on my nipples and play with the magic wand. I writhed on the floor with the wand buzzing on my clit. MasterDoc removed the suckers, turned me over and fucked me from behind. The guy was permitted to play with my breasts as I was fucked and he even ended up holding the magic wand for me when I grew tired of holding myself up with one arm. MasterDoc eventually let me come, and when I did he switched to his fingers and slammed my pussy as I came. He made me keep coming until I could come no more.
I lay on the mat and the guy massaged my back a little while MasterDoc took a call. The guy asked me to tug on his balls while he stroked himself and after making sure I had permission from MasterDoc I obliged. MasterDoc specifically told the guy not to come on my face, and he ended up coming on my hand as I pulled down his balls. He was kind enough to grab a tissue and wipe my hand off immediately after.
I haven’t blogged in over a week, not content that I’ve generated at least. I’ve been dealing with a particularly rough bout of premenstrual symptoms and haven’t felt like writing. MasterDoc gave me a therapeutic beating last Wednesday that helped in the short term, but ultimately I was having enough internal issues that it didn’t last. Funnily enough, yesterday he and I both – separately – hypothesized that I may have PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). Definitely something I will ask my gynecologist about next time. I have about a dozen of the symptoms.
Today the symptoms are starting to break, but even yesterday I was feeling anxious and irritable enough to be struggling with it. I didn’t sleep over MasterDoc’s due to the impending snow (and I am glad I went home last night!) but I did visit him for a few hours. We reconnected. He reassured me that yes, if I’m in emotional crisis like I had been last Friday night I did the right thing by getting in touch with him.
Since my mood was still unstable last night, MasterDoc declared I needed a beating and orgasms. And indeed they helped like they usually do. After he shook off the silly mood he was in, he had me lay down on the bed, face down and took the cane to my ass. The strikes focused my thoughts. I took the cane fairly well, but then he dribbled some melted wax on me. Yikes! It pooled slightly on my lower back and I kicked one leg up while trying to deal with the pain. The wax was particularly difficult to take last night. I seem to be out of practice. The caning continued and took me into subspace. I didn’t get wet like I often do but considering how not myself I felt that’s not entirely surprising. He used the little rubber flogger on me, the little ends gathering together to sting my ass.
He had me on hands and knees for some beating, and propped the magic wand against me but it kept slipping away from the perfect spot, so even though I had permission to come I couldn’t quite get there. I let MasterDoc know that it was sliding out of place, and he took over, pressing it against my clit, making me come. He took out a toy that we haven’t really used yet: snake bite suckers. The set comes with two larger ones and one thinner sucker that’s just right for the clitoris. Thankfully he only put the larger two on my nipples. As my tits hung down he commented on how they resembled udders. He flicked them with his fingers which hurt. He has decided he really likes them, and as I can wear them longer than nipple clamps he plans to have me walking around the swing club with them on. He had me kneel up, and he tormented my nipples some more.
He had me lay on my back to be fucked so he could continue to play with the nipple suckers. He tweaked them, fucked me, slapped my face. I went from zero to sixty in about two seconds. He told me I could come at will and I came, but then I came even harder as he gently but firmly applied pressure to my throat for the first time. Previously I had been afraid of even the hint of breathplay as I’m asthmatic (and have experienced not being able to breathe. Not really fun.) but I had put in my wishing box that I was curious to try a little bit with him, since I trust MasterDoc to know what he’s doing (and to know what to do in case of an emergency). He pressed a bit harder than I had expected, grabbing my collar close against my throat. For a second, I wasn’t sure if I was scared of this…. but then I came, harder than I had to this point. I was amazed by how hard I came.
I was very, very happy and calm after that.
He next had me suck his cock, and he worked in yet another wish from my wishing box: grabbing my head and choking me on his cock a few times. I find that I don’t gag as badly as I initially thought and I really like that he’s got his cock shoved down my throat and his hand firmly on my head as the thrusts his hips upward. His cock gets extra slick with my saliva which makes it even easier than usual to suck. He had me rub his wet cock over my face and I did as I was told. (Of course.)
His cock hard again, he debated fucking my ass or fucking my cunt again. He eventually opted for my cunt and got me on hands and knees. He said I had been a good girl and gave me the magic wand to use on myself. He started off slowly, teasing. He’d then fuck me harder for a moment. I kept the wand pressed against my clit but he told me not to come until I asked permission. He wanted me to take my time so he could fuck me as long as he liked. I was moaning like crazy, feeling amazing even though I was holding back from orgasm. I almost didn’t want it to end. I wish I had a recording of my moaning and babbling at that point. Out of nowhere, he told me to come. And I came as he fucked me some more. When his cock was pushed out he slapped my cunt to keep me coming and I sprayed come all over my hand, the throe, and the magic wand.
I was in a wondrous daze after that orgasm. It was hard to find somewhere to lay down since there was a big puddle, but I sat against the wall, legs splayed. Despite using the menstrual cup, there was a smudge of blood on my leg (and the come that came out of me was tinted pink due to some menstrual content.) My hands felt like they were buzzing, and it took me a moment to realize this was from holding the magic wand to my clit for a while. I felt positively amazing. If they could make that feeling into a pill form I think I’d become addicted. Oh yes.
After I cleaned up, we sat in the living room and he put on the basketball game. He had me grab pillows so I could sit on the floor at his feet – another thing I had requested in my wishing box. I happily played with my new smart phone while I sat on the floor between his legs. Occasionally I’d hug his thigh and kiss it. And other times he’d smack me playfully with his hard cock. It was an evening I sorely needed after the emotional upheaval of this month’s cycle.
DeeDee is visiting MasterDoc this week, but he set aside Tuesday night for me while she went out on her first Domme date – that is, she’s exploring her Domme side and meeting potential male submissives!
When I got to MasterDoc’s, Stacina was on the living room floor naked. This is just one thing in the long list of things that would be remarkable/weird in another household but it’s completely expected when you go to MasterDoc’s. He had a hot threesome with Stacina and DeeDee that day. Unfortunately I had to be at work during this. I get that feeling like a little kid wanting to stay up on New Year’s Eve – I don’t want to miss any of the fun. But life intervenes and one must earn a living….
MasterDoc had just dropped DeeDee off at the subway to go to her date, and Stacina was gathering her wits about her. She left soon after, but not before doing some clean up. Can you tell she was a service sub for a long time? She brought me a drink of water, unasked. I would like to be that thoughtful. I do it for MasterDoc but I’m not the best hostess. I need to work on that.
After she left, I did the mandatory time on the Wii Fit and showered. MasterDoc did the same and we heated up yummy leftovers for dinner. I wondered if he was going to still want to get freaky with me since he had such a sexual day – but I should know better than to worry about that. He suggested I take the laptop into the bedroom. I knew this was the cue that we were going to fool around. I put the throe on the bed and the laptop too, and got out lube, condoms and my collar. Key item I forgot: I should have plugged in the magic wand! Luckily he let me do this after he reminded me.
We cuddled for a while, and I was really happy to have that alone time with him. I like playing with his “spot” – I think I’ve mentioned here that he has this delectable spot in the middle of his chest where the hair is just the right density and rubbing it is comforting. We joked about making a sex doll version of his chest for “post-orgasmic relaxation.” I then came up with the idea to put “spot worship” as a fetish on fetlife. If you see that, you’ll know it was me.
He had me pick out some porn, and I continued with the public humiliation porn with “Nadia.” (No that’s not me, but she looks like she’s having fun.) He had me put my collar on and sit on the bed in front of him. He took the lightest cane to my breasts, flicking the nipples. The cane really needs to be striking you sideways to make an impact. On my left breast it was barely noticeable as he had the tip striking it. Next, I was up on hands and knees. My pain tolerance seemed pretty good last night, and he gave me a long caning using the light and medium canes. He tapped my upper back with it, he went lightly on my ass and then harder. I was in subspace pretty quickly, and so when he climbed on the bed next to me and grabbed by tits roughly from underneath, I was struck by how hot it is to endure pain for someone. It’s such a mark of devotion to let someone hurt you. (Of course, in some respects I like the pain.) I felt acutely aware of the pleasure of sadism for a change. I felt that his beating me could be arousing for him as well – usually I feel like it’s more of a service the Dom does for the masochistic sub. I liked believing he enjoys it too, for the first time. Funny how that doesn’t get into my head.
Laying on my back now, he played with my cunt, adding just a bit of lube. He teased the clitoris with his fingers and eventually worked his fingers into me. He stroked the g-spot – enough to make it feel wonderful but not enough to make me come.
“Do you like my fingers inside you?”
“Oh yes, Sir!”
He reclined and had me play with this inner thighs and his cock got quite hard. He had me up on hands and knees, condom on, ready to fuck me when… his phone rang. It was DeeDee so he answered it. She was home early and would it be ok if she came upstairs? He had told her we should be done by 10 pm and not to come home before then, it was around 9:30 when she called. Yes, rather than have her wait in the building lobby he told her to come up.
By that time, his cock had gone soft. He joked about how I have a reason to be annoyed with DeeDee, but soon enough his cock was at attention again. He starts to fuck me when… his phone rang. It was DeeDee again, she didn’t have the key to his apartment and was stuck outside until he went to open the door. He told her she had to wait this time, and proceeded to fuck me hard. I was concerned that maybe she was outside the door to the building, in the cold. So when it came time for me to come, I couldn’t quite get there. Not to be daunted, MasterDoc proceeded to finger my g-spot (yes, Virginia, it does exist) and even grabbed the magic wand. He made me come until every last orgasm was wrung from my body. I collapsed in a heap. He went and opened the door for DeeDee.
He came back for cuddles and I was quite happy. After cuddling was done to satisfaction he had DeeDee come in to tell us about her date. It went well, but ultimately that’s her story to tell if she wishes.
This entry was started last weekend – twice. I fell into a deep depression on Saturday and I’ve taken my time figuring out how much about it I want to share.
I’m leaving out the many bits that added up and led to this but I ended up crying hysterically (yes, truly hysterically. I was gasping for air because I was crying so hard) at MasterDoc’s and being totally contrary, depressed and angry for the better part of the day. Bless MasterDoc’s patience. He did all he could to try to shake me out of it but I was unshakable for much of the day. He tried caning, which just pissed me off. *chuckle* He tried a firm hand, taking control, telling me to get my collar and get up and do some chores. That didn’t work. I was so weighted down with depression that I couldn’t move. I really couldn’t move. And when I finally got up to go use the bathroom I struggled to get to my feet and amble down the hall. It was a feeling much like when you’re heavily sick with flu and you feel like you’re moving through molasses.
But he kept at it, kept talking to me. Kept trying to reason with me through my tears. (He’s nothing if not a reasonable, rational man.) Eventually the core was reached – I don’t think I’m worthy of being loved. All the rest is window dressing for this one core truth. Sure there are times when I’m not depressed when I feel worthwhile, but depression makes me feel utterly useless and unlovable. I’ve struggled with this since late childhood.
Sometimes via writing this blog I get people telling me I’m sexy, exciting, wonderful, attractive, etc. At those times the little low self-esteem voice in my head quotes the following bit from a Neil Finn song, Truth:
“They have showered me with riches /and they say that I am worthy of their love and their attention/ but they still don’t know the truth.”
I figure why believe someone who only knows me through the blog? Even though I am extremely candid here someone still can’t know me entirely with all my foibles and full-on flaws. I can’t accept compliments. Not really. I grew up thinking that if I felt good about myself then I was being egotistical and that I should always know my flaws and work on them. (Maybe this is a residual Catholic thing?) When I started coming out of the depression on Saturday, started being more reasonable at least, MasterDoc listed a bunch of things he likes about me; and I didn’t recognize the person he described. I didn’t think it could be me. But at the same time it felt so good to be told I’m loved and wanted.
As I was slowly recovering emotionally, I had a revelation. I finally understood age play. I had always been among the camp of “that makes me really uncomfortable but I won’t interfere with two consenting adults playing how they want to play.” But jeez, Saturday night I wanted nothing more than to be taken care of like a little child. I wanted to abdicate all responsibility. I wanted to be told when to brush my teeth and go to bed. I wanted to be held and petted and told I’m loved. It was a struggle for me to do tasks MasterDoc asked me to do, having any responsibility felt like too much for me to handle. I really felt like I needed to be taken care of. I did get petting from MasterDoc and told that I’m loved, but I didn’t get the full level of being controlled and taken care of. Oh well. That’s not what our relationship is like.
By the next day I was feeling calmer and no longer suicidal. I’ve struggled with dips into depression this week but have ultimately ended the week on a stable note. Wednesday night, while MasterDoc caned me, he made me repeat after him, “I am incredibly lovable.” He made me say it a few times and made me promise that I would remember that. We talked a little about how I came to feel this way when I was young, and having a mother who was moody and wildly unpredictable had a lot to do with it – i.e., one day I’d say “good morning” and she’d be loving and we’d bake cookies, but another morning I’d say the same exact thing in the same exact way and she’d bite my head off. As MasterDoc and I talked, he asked if I had ever tried to diagnose my mother. (I have an educational background in psychology.) I haven’t really, but immediately I said that she must suffer from depression like I do. And MasterDoc wondered aloud if I ever realized that these issues were my mother’s own or if I internalized them and blamed myself. And you know, until last night, at age 37, I never had the thought that these issues were my mother’s, and not my fault. I blamed myself from a young age. I thought that I made her mad or sad.
Somehow, I forget how, he came up with the idea of a time out next time I snap at him – time facing the corner to cool down and think. I think it’s interesting how a lot of what I’m getting out of our relationship in recent weeks is sorta parenting my inner child on things I missed out on when I actually was a child. I don’t doubt that my submission has some roots in wanting to be loved and pleasing. I think it could be really healing to try to please someone who is capable of being pleased for a change.
MasterDoc continued to say wonderful things to me all evening, working on bolstering my self-esteem. I’m trying to figure out how to accept the compliments. He feels a little offended that, in a way, I should think so little of his opinion of me as to not believe it. But it’s not that his opinion is off, it’s that I just can’t think about myself rationally sometimes.
We did eventually have sex, and while I came hard as always (rowr!) I was slow to warm up by that time as he bounced between watching porn on the computer and watching basketball on tv. I had been ready for fooling around after the caning but the sex didn’t come til much later. I didn’t complain, and he pointed out that I’m patient. He fucked me, and the ensuing hard orgasm helped my already improving mood. As we watched an assfucking porn afterward, I told him that it made me want to be fucked up the ass. And yes, he fucked me up the ass then. Very hot. I lay back after each fucking and felt utterly content.
He jerked off to come, and came in my mouth again. I sucked his cock while holding the come in my mouth and gleefully dribbled it out when he told me to. I think this is my current fetish. I hope that he’ll have me rub it over my breasts or something next time.
So as I head into the new year, I seem to be dealing with a bout of depression. Hopefully I will manage to work through it like I always have in the past. Having a loving Dom will certainly help. Having a loving Davey will help too, but I think part of me needs a bit of a challenge when it comes to being loved. I feel like I need to earn it, and Davey loves me virtually unconditionally. Not that MasterDoc doesn’t, but he criticizes constructively and gets me working on improving. I think I need to prove to myself that I have earned the love I receive.
@EssinEm I hear ya. Since I got myself below 200 my knees don't really bother me. (Back still does.) At 227 I always hurt a bit. in reply to EssinEm6 hrs ago
Tell me, what can I do to make this summer weather go away? 6 hrs ago
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