Archive for the 'Brimstone' Category

Brimstone Reflections, Part III

Published on November 29, 2011 in assault, bdsm, Brimstone, consent, D/s, kink, musings, sexuality, stupid people, submissive and Uncategorized. 2 Comments

Perhaps the class that moved me the most was the workshop with Laura Antoniou. (Author of The Marketplace novels.) MasterDoc attended her class the day before on becoming a better dominant. He really enjoyed it and decided to assign DeeDee and I to go to the corollary submissive one the next day. Laura is really down to earth about bdsm. She points out that in real life, sometimes dinner has to be made and it’s NOT going to be the sub/slave doing it. Her novels, or any other bdsm erotica, films, etc. present fantasy – not reality. I think MasterDoc was blindsided when after the class DeeDee and I had things we want to discuss with him – unmet needs and that sort of thing. The discussion was largely about submissives being assertive about their needs, lest the relationship turn sour. She made the excellent point that “the gift of submission” is bullshit. Subs don’t do service for the thank yous, or because they think the sun shines out of the Dominant’s ass. They do it for the kinky sex! I get to play and have my fantasies fulfilled by my Dom in return for helping him with his life. And the truth is, he helps me in my life too.

Early on, she discussed the exercise of writing down 100 things you can offer as service. She encouraged us (and the Doms in their session) to break out of the “housework” box! There’s many other ways a sub can serve. For instance, when MasterDoc needs library books or something quickly looked up online, he turns to me. It’s something I’m good at and do all the time and I can provide that service to make his life easier. I think I’d like to take this on as an exercise. I may just walk away from it feeling pretty damn good about my talents. (Another exercise I might work on is what sort of puppy I’d be, and what I’d be called as a puppy.)

For most of the weekend, I reflected on how tolerant, respectful and loving the bdsm community can be. We’re fed this tale that bdsm is bad and religious people are the ones offering love and acceptance. Bullshit. There are tons of varied kinks but since we’re all reviled or denigrated in some way because of our kinks we come together to provide a place where we can just be ourselves for a few days. I see many transgender people at these events – is it that trans people are more kinky or is it simply that they find acceptance (and safety from violence) within the bdsm community?

There was a spa set up with people offering massages. I received a massage on Saturday night after our scene. While the entirety of my life experience with men made me a bit nervous to let a stranger massage me, I realized that most of the time I feel safer around kinkster men since there’s such a big emphasis on consent, respect and safety. The amateur masseuse was totally professional and respectful. My own issues with being able to articulate what I want became a problem as he did a fairly gentle massage that felt nice but didn’t leave my muscles relaxed like a more vigorous one. Not speaking up was my fault. MasterDoc and I identified this as something I need to work on in general – voicing my needs.

Just before I went away I finally heard from someone who worked for the Geeky Kink Event. If this person’s account is accurate, they handled things fairly well – except of course for getting in touch with me and telling me what was going on. One of them wanted to keep the dickhead from presenting but was outvoted. The guy who assaulted me tried to claim in a comment on Good Vibrations that, “It was concluded that she (me) described a consensual act, not assault.” That’s not at all what I heard from the event representative. I was told there were many sanctions placed on his behavior and if he was drunk or otherwise inappropriate he would be tossed out. There was concern and they took my complaints seriously. However, I do wonder at the fact that I asked if I could quote parts of their explanation to me – and they never replied. This paraphrasing will do. But quoting their own words would be more powerful. It makes me wonder if they don’t stand by their claims. Also, the representative claimed that he told my assailant that there were several complaints – but he figured out it was me right away. (I make no secret of my problem with him.) I knew that I took that risk when I spoke up. It was an overall lousy experience with this, but not as bad as some past ones. I offered to put them in touch with people who were in the room that night, as well as others who have had a variety of problems with him. They haven’t taken me up on it as of yet.

Brimstone Reflections, Part II

Published on November 29, 2011 in bdsm, Brimstone, consent, D/s, humiliation play, kink, musings, random thoughts, sexuality, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

We had some hot sex and scenes while away for the weekend. He used the clover clamps on my nipples two days in a row – something my nipples don’t usually have to deal with! Friday night we fooled around in our hotel room. We had spent time reconnecting and talking about my frustrations.

As he made me aroused while the clamps bit into my nipples Friday night, he said slyly, “You like the pain, don’t you?” It was a rhetorical question but one that made me feel a little embarrassed by my kink but also one that turned me on since it’s clear I’m such a dirty girl.

The following night we played in the dungeon. MasterDoc bought a new candle for wax play, one designed for that use. (It doesn’t burn as hot as regular candles.) I lay on a massage table and he teased me, aroused me, hurt me and made me come so hard. I wonder how many people looked over when I was making so much noise during orgasm. MasterDoc had originally planned to, I think, show off by having both DeeDee and I in a scene with him. Since I was having so much stress, he kept the play to just himself and me. I appreciate that he recognized that I needed special attention.

The classes at the event were interesting. We missed a few here and there and I think flexibility is needed at these events. If there’s something you really want to get to, make the time for it. But otherwise be willing to go get lunch instead of attending another class if that’s what comes up. We went to some together, and some apart.

I’ve gotten curious about such forms of play as age play and puppy play, so I went to some classes on them. I was definitely one of those people freaked out by age play when I first heard of it. The idea of someone playing the role of a young person in a sexual situation brings up thoughts of incest (ick) and pedophilia (ick), but age play is NOT either of those. It is consenting adults role playing. Over time, I’ve come to see that playing non-sexually as a young girl could be very freeing for me. Being a child and handing over your well-being to a grown up is pretty much on par with being a Dominant and submissive. Age play seems like it could be very nurturing, and would give grown up me a break from making decisions and taking care of myself. Also, considering I’m a grown woman who still sleeps with her teddy bear and blanky, I’d be a natural for this.

Only this weekend did I start to consider age play where I’d be in the role of a teen girl. As I reflected on this, I realized that as a teenager I was incredibly horny! I would masturbate more than once a day. I was eager to learn about the entire spectrum of sexuality. Emotionally at that time I wasn’t ready for a relationship or sex. But going back, playing the horny yet innocent teen discovering sex at the hands of a grown man (while I’m actually an experienced adult) could be very hot play indeed.

Puppy play is a little different, but again I was struck by how it’s just another form of Dominance and submission. There can be a dehumanizing aspect to puppy play, but it’s one of those rare times when being dehumanized isn’t necessarily bad. If you get into the role of puppy, you can stop (for a while) thinking about adult human stuff. You can just be a playful, affectionate creature without human concerns. You hand over your well being to a trainer or owner. Please note that these things are play – they are temporary. Engaging in puppy play doesn’t mean you live your entire life like a dog. You’re human.

We did a tiny bit of puppy play there. A room was set up for pony/puppy/kitty/littles play. I crawled around, got into the doghouse there and wrestled with the squeaky toy MasterDoc played fetch with. It was fun. In the class I attended (taught by the excellent Lochai), I realized that the puppy can be such an endearing character, one who brings up feelings of affection for the owner. It can be carefree play. And who doesn’t like a gentle scritch behind the ear? Hm?

We somehow accept getting shitfaced on alcohol as an appropriate way for an adult to escape their responsibilities and worries for a little while. Why would something far healthier like role play not be ok as an alternative?

Brimstone Reflections, Part I

Published on November 28, 2011 in anxiety, bdsm, Brimstone, D/s, DeeDee, masochism, musings and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

We went away to a kink event called Brimstone this weekend. I had a fabulous time. DeeDee went with her boyfriend, and I went with MasterDoc (the four of us drove down together).

Unfortunately I started off the weekend feeling neglected. MasterDoc had been busy for about four nights in a row, and it just coincided with me being a bit depressed. I was very difficult with him on Friday. But we talked and worked it out, as we always do. This weekend someone left a comment on one of my slightly older posts criticizing my being with MasterDoc. I approved the comment, this person is entitled to their opinion, but I think they don’t really see the fullness of my life with MasterDoc. (And, incidentally, while that’s his scene name he does not see himself as a Master and he’s definitely not looking for a slave. We both happily identify as Dom or sub, respectively.)

It begs the question, how full of a story does a sex blog tell? I use this like a diary sometimes, to sort out thoughts and feelings by writing about them. I vent when things are frustrating. There’s many, many mundane moments of our lives not caught here, as well as tender moments. I think it’s impossible for someone to know what my relationship is like just from reading the blog. Like any couple, we have ups and downs, but unlike many “vanilla” couples we talk, talk, talk and look for solutions. We both own when it’s our own mishegas causing the problem. We both work on becoming better partners to each other, and over time we have.

I think it’s funny when people are frustrated with their partner in a vanilla relationship it’s seen as part of having a relationship. But when a kinkster (particularly one on the bottom side of the dynamic) complains then it’s assumed they’re being abused. Being at this event this weekend brought home the fact that the reality of bdsm is so very different than the fantasy. And people who are experienced kinksters know this. I also noticed that kink is a very wide playing field, and what one person does and enjoys is not what the next person does and enjoys. Perhaps part of the problem with DeeDee’s family’s concerns is that they have read about the play I do with MasterDoc here and assume that it’s exactly what he and DeeDee to together. It’s not. I’m telling my story. I’m not telling hers. She may have a role in it, but I don’t presume to represent her. I’m quite a bit more fond of pain than DeeDee is, and of course MasterDoc’s play with her differs in this respect.

There’s also the problem with terms in bdsm having different meanings than terms outside of the community. When I say I got a beating, I do not mean that MasterDoc came at me in anger pummeling me with his fists. This has never happened and never will. It means he uses implements he has used in the past and has great control over. It means he watches my reactions carefully and keeps the beating at a level I can process. The end result is not trauma, but a fabulous release of endorphins. I’m not scared of MasterDoc ever being truly violent with me. He never hits in anger. He has fantastic self-control emotionally, which is perfect for someone who wants to dominate.