Archive for the 'attraction' Category

Catching Up (But Not with Depeche Mode)

Published on September 18, 2011 in attraction, caning, dating, depression, happy, horny, kink, musings, poly, sex, slut and Uncategorized. 2 Comments

(Bonus music geek points if you get the reference in the title.)

MasterDoc and I had some wonderful scenes before he went away to Dark Odyssey Summer Camp with DeeDee for the weekend. I’m the lazy person who didn’t take notes right after. He caned me, because I was in the midst of premenstrual dysphoric disorder week. It is amazing how much better I feel after a good hard caning! I felt great, until the next morning when the endorphins wore off and my biochemical issues reared their ugly head again. Still, some relief is better than no relief. Truly. I wish I remembered more details, because at the time I thought how awesome the sex was. I don’t mean to brag, I’m just very lucky.

An old flame from a couple of years back has reappeared – Shane. Back in 2009, I enjoyed dating him for a few months. He was kind enough to drive all the way back to my area (after just having driven home from seeing me) when I had such bad stomach pain that I needed to go to the emergency department. That night was when I was finally diagnosed with gallstones and a few weeks after I had surgery to remove my gallbladder. (I’ve been happier and pain-free since.) But despite our not dating for long, he came, met me there and sat with me for a few hours into the wee hours of the morning. He kept me company while I vomited and wished the injection of morphine would take effect. In other words, he showed himself to be a very nice guy. He drove me home when I was released and headed home himself (for the second time!) to get some sleep.

A month or two later, our contact became sporadic, and during one IM conversation he told me he had had a car accident and hurt his back. Yikes. He pretty much disappeared after that. I didn’t feel any ill will, I just figured it was one of those things that petered out on its own. Several weeks ago, I was surprised to get a message from him on facebook. He wanted to reconnect, find out how I’m doing, etc. He didn’t assume we’d just start dating or fucking again. But we made plans to hang out, because as I said, I had liked the guy and felt no ill will when he drifted away. Turns out he was busy dealing with all sort of stressful stuff – his business being chief among them. He didn’t have time for relationships.

So with a lag of 2 years in between, I seem to be seeing him again. We hung out last night. He hadn’t assumed we’d fuck but I sure did. *grin* It was awesome. I still like spending time with him every bit as much as I did before. He should have a bit more free time now since his business is doing well, so he promises not to be a stranger for two years again. He has one of my favorite combinations – a nice, respectful guy who is kinky and dominant. Does a subby (hetero or bi) woman need much else? We’re close in age so we share some pop culture references that MasterDoc doesn’t necessarily have. My age difference with MasterDoc doesn’t have much impact on my love or how much I enjoy being with him. But now and then I want to wax poetic about some 80′s band and he’s not the one to do it with.

It’s funny, because while I’ve gotten lots of messages from guys who seem interesting on the usual dating site I inhabit, I’ve been feeling more introverted, as well as just tired of meeting new people. Shane showed up at a perfect time when spending time with a known quantity is more appealing for me than the stress of getting to know someone from scratch.

I can hear MasterDoc now, saying “Phooey” when he finds that while I’ve blogged it’s mostly about another guy. It’s just that there’s only so many ways I can call him wonderful, sexy, domly, etc. I can only gush about loving him, loving being his submissive (most of the time), and the hot sex so many times.

Chemistry

Published on June 19, 2011 in attraction, blow jobs, cunnilingus, dating, horny, masturbation, non-monogamy, sex, slut, spanking, the writer and Uncategorized. 2 Comments

I had a very busy week, and some nights I was too busy doing non-kinky things to write about the hot nights I had with MasterDoc. I’ve found that my infrequent writing here is not only down to feeling burnt out, but also due to such limited time. Finding time to be alone and work on a post has been getting hard to do. And besides, if I didn’t go live life this wouldn’t be a very good blog, now would it?

Because I didn’t at least take time to make notes, I find I can’t remember details of the sex I had days ago with MasterDoc. This sucks. Not only because I like to chronicle my time with him here, but also he tends to feel a bit hurt if I manage to write about someone else but not my sex with him. After nearly four years together, however, even the most exciting kinky sex life can get a little routine. Even though routine for us is still way better sex than most people have. He turns me on immensely and I have mind-blowing orgasms as he wrings them out of me for as long as he can possibly make me come – but writing about it, finding the words to describe it, has become a bit routine. The sex is still exciting.

But, gentle reader (that’s oh so Miss Manners of me), I’m sure that while you still want the pervy details of my sex life with MasterDoc (and I will continue to write about it) it can also be exciting to hear I’ve had an excellent time naked with someone new.

I had an excellent time naked with someone new.

The back story: this guy wrote to me on the usual dating site and we got into talking about music we like in common. I liked that he was interesting and not trying to just plan having sex with me. We had a date a week ago – a normal date. We met at a bar, had a few drinks and talked for a few hours. Then we made out in the corner of the bar for a bit. I knew then that I wanted to fuck him.

I like him – not just sexually but also we have a lot in common and he’s smart and interesting to talk to, laugh with, etc. He’s a journalist, out of work like so many people are nowadays. I remember when the idea of dating a guy without a job would give me pause, now at least two out of the three guys I had dates with over the past couple of months have been unemployed. With such rampant unemployment, not having a job is no longer necessarily an indicator that someone is a slacker.

So we exchanged emails during the week and I found myself getting really horny thinking about having sex with him. I think waiting until the second date actually made things better. No, really. He and I happen to have great sexual chemistry and the anticipation drove me wild.

MasterDoc and DeeDee were away for the weekend, and as usual I tried to keep myself busy as too much time alone tends to make me depressed. I invited this guy over (I need a pseudonym for him. Maybe he’ll give me one.), told him he was welcome to crash since we’re at nearly opposite ends of New York City. Now from this it should be clear that I had every intention of fucking him. But the night moved slowly and I’m not used to that. I kept thinking that I just wanted him to FUCK ME. I enjoyed hanging out, talking, watching some stuff on netflix, and making out off and on. It was lots of fun. But waiting just made me feel more desperate to get laid. This is interesting. I don’t get that way with everyone.

Eventually we ended up in the bedroom, clothes were taken off and strewn upon the floor. We made out, rubbed up against each other and groped heavily. I was so horny and so turned on that my first orgasm with this guy was from him grabbing me me roughly. I’m sure that MasterDoc’s training me to be super sensitive sexually helped that happen, but I was surprised that it even could happen with a guy other than MasterDoc.

I wanted his cock inside me so badly. The slowness of the date drove me crazy. I eventually broke down and told him straight up that I wanted to fuck. He’s not kinky, he’s not a Dom, but he does like his sex rough. And rough sex is just awesome. It’s a very different dynamic than the one I have with MasterDoc. (It felt strange to be called beautiful rather than a piece of fuckmeat. lol) But we did have unusually good sexual chemistry. And despite not being particularly kinky, he reached one hand around me and spanked me a bit (pretty mildly at first but he kept going) and I came from the spanking.

He went down on me – and I always take it to be a good sign when a guy goes down on me first – those guys are pretty much always good lovers. When I blow a guy first then it’s hit or miss if he’s any good. I’m not sure how many times I came before he fucked me. When he finally fucked me (I had been waiting for it all night!) he made me come hard. I wanted it to go on a while but unlike MasterDoc it’s not extremely difficult to get this man to come. (Oh he wasn’t a minuteman certainly. But this guy can come while fucking with a condom on. MasterDoc generally can’t.) This is awesome in its own way, but different from what I’ve gotten used to. I kept making sure that the throe was under me so I wouldn’t potentially soak the bed. We cuddled a bit, thankfully he’s a cuddler too. We soon ended up grabbing at each other, I sucked his cock and demonstrated my fantastic sexual skills (partly due to talent, partly due to a terrific Dom who trained me well). I asked him to fuck me; he told me to beg. Oh hell yes I begged. Again, a wonderful fuck. He has a nice cock.

We took a break and watched more netflix in the living room. He’s about 4 years older than me so we’re of the same generation – we have a lot of the same pop culture references. We sounded like old people when we talked about how back in the day we grew up without internet.

He asked if I wanted to put something else on tv. I suggested we could just go back to bed. It did not take any arm twisting to get him there. Fooling around with him was intense. I wanted to fuck again, but having come twice in one night it’s not surprising that his cock wouldn’t totally cooperate. (It got hard, it just didn’t stay hard when we went to fuck.) I’m not one to have a thing about this, after all my body doesn’t always cooperate sexually either. We got each other off in other ways and were quite tired by the end.

He slept next to me, and it felt comfortable. I had a hard time getting back to sleep completely when in the early hours of the morning he got more cuddly. I love cuddles when I’m awake, but I generally prefer to sleep in my own space. His hands felt nice so I didn’t say anything. A few hours later we got up for good.

I started the coffee and we fooled around more while it brewed. We hung out and I started mapping out my plans to meet up with Blondie that afternoon. After talking and him showing me stuff on youtube that is amazingly bad, he asked if we could go play around again. He didn’t have to twist my arm. We both managed to come again by the end.

Since I was headed closer to his neighborhood on my way to meet Blondie, he rode with me in the car and I dropped him at a subway station. Once I figure out my schedule for this week it’s time to plan another rendezvous with him. I hope we can keep up having a great time hanging out, followed by fucking. I’m a simple girl, those are the things I want to do most.

Edited to add: I’ve decided to dub this guy “the writer.”

In the Meantime…

Published on May 29, 2011 in attraction, bdsm, blow jobs, cunnilingus, cunt, D/s, dating, dom, drunk, horny, humiliation play, kink, masturbation, non-monogamy, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, sex, sex toys, shio, slut, squirting, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Yes my friends, I have been “the blogger who slacks off” for the past 10 days or so. I’ve written about having a bit of burnout after years of blogging, but I never seem to get to the point where I want to stop.

So what have you all missed in my sexual adventures? Well of course I’ve had the pleasure of sex with MasterDoc several times. Last Thursday evening, we were hanging out with DeeDee, her other boyfriend, MasterDoc’s (and my) friend Liz, who was visiting from across the country, and my friend DivaSub, when MasterDoc escaped into the bedroom for a while. The rest of us were still having fun socializing and DivaSub was about to tell a story about the horrific hoarder apartment she had been to recently, (She’s an opera singer, she’s quite theatrical in her storytelling.) when my phone rang. It was MasterDoc calling from the next room.

He wanted to know if I’d come into the bedroom and suck his cock. I found it simultaneously amusing and arousing to know he was beckoning his submissive into the bedroom to take care of his sexual desires. I wanted to hear DivaSub’s tale though, so I asked to do that, and he let me. Next thing I know he’s serving us all sorbet – probably to get dessert out of the way and bring the social evening to a close.

Sorbet finished, DivaSub’s story finished, and MasterDoc reminds me he wants me in the bedroom. I said goodnight to everyone and slipped off to him.

The main thing I remember, now that it’s days later, is that he fucked me silly even though I was pretty tired by that time. When doesn’t he fuck me silly? It’s a regular occurrence now for him to fuck me to the point where I very nearly ask him to stop. He takes me to the point where I don’t think I can come anymore and then he makes me do it again. When he’s finished with me I collapse onto the bed, exhausted.

I knew that since he had a full house this weekend, I’d end up spending time at my place for the first extended period of time in weeks. (I had to go grocery shopping Friday night after work since I had fuckall at my place.) His girlfriend J. was visiting, as was his friend Liz, and of course there was DeeDee and MasterDoc at home. I had a chance to see MasterDoc on Saturday when J and Liz went out for the afternoon.

I asked him to come to my place, and somehow even though the whole maneuver wasn’t a secret, it felt illicit. It was strange but I enjoyed it too. I think knowing we had just a little time together made it all the more exciting. I was very horny and started off without him – reading male Dom/fem sub erotica. (Edited by the lovely Rachel Kramer Bussel who I’ve been fortunate to meet. I make no money off that link, I’m just sharing the book title.) I got out my Gigi vibe, lay on my purple Liberator fascinator throe (I got one for my place too) and made myself come. I think part of me worried that MasterDoc wouldn’t be able to make it, and I figured I should just go ahead and get off while thinking about him.

He came over a little later and I was so happy to see him you’d think I hadn’t seen him in weeks. He needed time to settle in but I tried to move things towards the bed as soon as possible. (Hey, when you live in a studio, you don’t need to change rooms.)

He asked about what toys I had in my place and he was interested to check out the Wahl massager. I keep a wedge-shaped attachment on it and he used that to place the vibe up against his perineum (or “taint” for those less technically inclined) while I sucked his cock. Ooh he loved that. I lavished affection on his cock and made him rock hard in no time. I took him deep into my throat – I wondered what it felt like on his cock head while my throat muscles convulsed a little from nearly gagging.

He used the Wahl on me next, and made me come so hard, so fast. This was not without a bit of teasing, but if you recall I had warmed myself up earlier. He had me kneel with my ass in the air. “I love seeing your pussy on display like that.” Even without contact my cunt felt like it had been caressed.

He fucked me. Again, until I was feeling exhausted. He teased me and then made me come when it sounded like I couldn’t take it anymore. I thought about how much I love being the hole he fucks until he’s satisfied. That bit of objectification made me hot.

I found myself thinking a little, but then the internal monologue would shut up entirely as I became the orgasm. Over and over again, I’d be lost in the high of coming. Thought became unnecessary.

It wasn’t until the second round that I told him about my love of being his hole. Since I was exhausted he got on top. Apparently I wasn’t too exhausted to come a whole bunch again.

He wears me out. He’s in his mid-50s and he wears me, a woman in her late 30s who has recently lost a lot of weight and has been exercising, out. If I were at all religious I’d be saying, “Praise Jesus!” right now. But I know that it’s not Jesus I have to thank for that cock.

Our time together was relatively brief but so very fulfilling I happily went about my day being a homebody after he left.

Besides my still being crazy for MasterDoc and the wonderful sex he provides, I had a date a week ago with a nice guy. We met up for drinks, then had dinner, and by the end were flirting shamelessly and he was trying to persuade me to head to New Jersey with him to his place, and he’d drive me home in the morning. After some thought, and some comments on how I’d rather save penetration for another time, he convinced me, and my drunken self got on a bus to New Jersey with him.

We had a damn good time rolling around, having oral sex and him rubbing his cock on me and between my ass cheeks. He made me come a whole bunch of times. I was quite happy to have gone home with him. I asked to sleep in the guest room since I was in a new place (I almost inevitably don’t sleep well in a new place) and I didn’t have earplugs on me since I hadn’t expected to go home with him. (I sleep every night, since college, with earplugs. I’m such a light sleeper.)

The next morning, we fooled around some more, and then got bagels on the way to dropping me off at MasterDoc’s. I really like the guy. I hope he comes back for more.

The one drawback? MasterDoc had been plotting with Blondie for her to come over and both of them to top me again. Doh. But I got home too late and was simply exhausted from not sleeping well. It will have to wait for another time.

Sunday Threesome

Published on April 17, 2011 in anxiety, attraction, bisexuality, blow jobs, masturbation, non-monogamy, orgasm on command, sex, slut, swinging, threesome and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

Last Sunday (yes it has taken me a week to write this) MasterDoc and I had a threesome with a playmate he’s met recently. She’s very bi, very comfortable with swinging and is basically a laid back sort of woman.

One of my issues that comes up with having a partner who is significantly older than me is my own ageism. MasterDoc is 18 years older than me, and sometimes he finds sex partners close to his age. (DeeDee is close in age to him.) Until shortly before I met MasterDoc I wouldn’t have dreamed of dating someone not within about 5 years of my age. I’ve realized that’s stupid now, but still ageism creeps in. I find it happens more with women than men, and I think this whole stupid thing is something I picked up from our culture at large.

Our playmate on Sunday was a woman around MasterDoc’s age. I think he hesitated to have me join them at first since he knows I can be so weird about age sometimes. But I’m trying to overcome that, because, as I’ve said three times already, it’s stupid.

Something I’ve noticed about women in their 50s is that while facially they look older than women in their 30s (my current decade) their bodies aren’t significantly different. The skin on our faces is exposed to sunlight often, but bodies are covered most of the time we’re outside (our hands are like our faces). So the skin ages differently.

Women in their 50s are often quite attractive still, but in this society women past childbearing age are throwaway. (As are other types of women like sex workers, the disabled, women of color, etc. After a certain age pretty much everyone becomes throwaway in this society.) Aging is portrayed as making men look “distinguished” but women look “old.” It’s taken a long time for female actresses to continue to get work over 40, but it seems to happen more often these days.

All this explication to say that I was anxious I’d have an ageist reaction, but when I shut up the stupid prejudices in my head, I had a good time. (I didn’t have an ageist reaction when I met DeeDee, so it doesn’t always happen.)

Something else that went right is that I was able to focus on MasterDoc’s fun and pleasure much more than in the past and not be as selfish. As his friend sucked his cock, I stroked his chest and did whatever I could to add to his experience – and didn’t get some resentful, selfish attitude in my head. He rewarded me by making me come from grabbing my hair.

The configuration shifted, and she sucked on my nipples (yum!) while he worked her over. I was getting hot and MasterDoc realized that if he reached his other hand over to grab my ass, that he could probably get the two of us women to come at the same time. He was right as usual. Now while he can make me come without genital stimulation, it’s more fun and intense when stimulation is involved.

MasterDoc asked me to get Alexis (our playmate) ready to fuck. I played with her clit, which she thanked me for. While MasterDoc fucked her, I worked my arms to exhaustion playing with his ass during fucking (I mean really, try to put pressure on someone’s ass muscles as they thrust toward and away from you alternately!)

Thankfully, after he fucked her for a while I got some direct attention. He fingered me to orgasm then switched off to our guest fingering me. MasterDoc helped me keep coming by giving me the command to come.

I was hoping to get fucked too, but I didn’t get a chance as my body was exhausted from stepping up my exercise recently, and exhaustion led to be being excused instead of getting the fucking I on some level wanted anyway. As much as I would have liked to go on, my shoulders were killing me. I moseyed off to the living room. I could hear them having a great time in the bedroom. I felt some jealousy flare up but I took the time to explore it. Jealousy usually comes from insecurity for me, and I know full well that MasterDoc is just playmates with this woman. I didn’t have any practical reason to feel jealous. And the two of them DID make me feel really good until I faded out. While I wish I had gotten more action during the threesome (my usual concern) I was actually too tired to continue. Plus MasterDoc had fucked me the prior two days in a row. Overall, right after the threesome I felt that I had had a very good time.

The next day, however, I did feel some unhappiness over the fact that in a threesome with him, me and another woman, I often feel overlooked. It makes it hard for me to feel my usual (high!) level of sexual enthusiasm when it comes to threesomes. This is something I’m still struggling with. Perhaps I need to do more threesomes with two MEN.

Erogenous Zones #1 – Head and Neck

Published on January 2, 2011 in attraction and Erogenous Zones Series. 2 Comments

My friend Dangerous Lilly has started a writing prompt series for sex bloggers. Considering my writers’ block as of late, I can really use something to spur me to write. In her series, bloggers who want to participate can post an entry about the topic at hand during the week of the topic. This week: head and neck (not including the face).

My head and neck can be very erogenous zones indeed. I remember when I was younger I would get so turned on by nibbles to my neck. I would make out with my high school boyfriend during lunch and be totally wet by the end from his nips and licks at my neck. Lately, I’ve dated Davey, who had an extraordinarily small mouth and couldn’t nibble my neck (seriously) and MasterDoc, who doesn’t go for my neck much, and when he does if he hasn’t shaved it tickles so horribly I just giggle and flinch. I kinda miss that sensation of having my neck gently nibbled. (I’m not a fan of hickeys that can be seen with clothes on.)

A very sensitive part of the neck is the throat. And while breathplay can make me nervous, having a hand with a firm grip around my throat (but not squeezing) can be highly erotic. I find lately that control turns me on more than pain. (Although I certainly loved the heavy beating MasterDoc gave me last Monday.) Feeling that MasterDoc is in control of me, that I’m at his mercy, turns me on something fierce. Holding me at the throat, or grabbing my hair puts me into that special sub space. He often grabs my hair and I LOVE it. I keep hoping he’ll be more assertive with me – not more sadistic, but even more in control during sex. I suppose I don’t want to just submit easily, but instead I want to be taken.

When talking about the erogenous possibilities of the head, we can’t forget the gray matter inside of it. The mind is the largest sex organ. Talking dirty or domly to me is a sure-fire way to get me going most of the time. I enjoy a good mindfuck, if it’s executed with our mutual pleasure in mind.

On a man, I love seeing the nape of his neck. I think this is a sexy spot and probably why I prefer short hair on men. I love stroking through his hair, and then down his neck. Nibbling on a guy’s neck can be nearly as rewarding as having my own neck nibbled.

Next week: the face.

Fantasy is My Reality

Published on November 30, 2010 in analingus, attraction, bdsm, blow jobs, D/s, englishman, fantasy, horny, kink, masochism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, porn, sadism, sex, shio, squirting, submissive and Uncategorized. 2 Comments

I’ve lucked out and had fabulous sex the past two nights. I suppose it’s not luck, it’s the smart choice of being with MasterDoc. We seem so bonded now that we can just lean our heads together and soon we’re both twitching a little with arousal. Playing with his chest can be just as effective as licking his groin.

Last night we tried a good deal of deep throating. I actually managed to relax my throat for much longer periods than I have before. As I’m blowing him, I keep going til he’s deep in my throat. I love the noises he makes when I do that. It’s actually good that I gag a little because then the saliva starts flowing and I can give a good, wet, sloppy blow job. I only had a little trouble when we tried it with my head leaning over the bed. Still, I was willing to keep trying! (Yeah, you can call me Ms. Choksondik a la South Park.)

He also continued pushing my limits of orgasm control. Damn if I didn’t worry I was going to give in and come without permission! As he fucks me and I balance just below the peak of my arousal, I get more turned on thinking that I’m his cunt and he can fuck me for as long as he wants while I desperately moan and whimper, desperate for orgasm. I’m glad he didn’t give in to my whimpers (he’s a very generous Dom where orgasms are concerned) but pushed me. I was determined not to let him down and come un-ordered. (Granted, he has told me that since he’s pushing me, it’s not the end of the world if I slip and come – ONLY if it’s a genuine slip though. Goodness knows he can spot me lying a mile away.) When he did let me come, the throe ended up covered in squirty puddles. I don’t really mind laying on the wet throe. I guess it’s the hotness of knowing that dampness is my come. If it gave off an odor I may not be so keen on my come, but since it’s virtually odorless and evaporates easily I’m perfectly happy to get a little wet.

The night before, I had one of those, “I’m SUCH a pervert” moments while we watched more delightful porn from TheUpperFloor.com. I got turned on by Cherry Torn’s look of pain and later, the tears that ran down her face, while she tended to one guy’s cock and the other whipped her back with a dragon’s tail. I wanted to be that girl, although I’m not sure I can handle that pain. Also as I watched kink.com head honcho Peter Ackworth in a scene I realized that I have the hots for him. It’s an old turn-on for me – pasty English guys. Seriously, I love English, Scottish and Irish men. I’ve had all but Scottish at this point. (Um, any Scots in NYC out there?) I suppose I should throw in Welsh just to cover ALL of the UK and Ireland.

Another, newer turn on was the depersonalization of one of the slaves in the video wearing a hood. I’ve long had anxiety about hoods as I can freak out from difficulty breathing – I’ve had some severe asthma attacks in my time. But the holes in the hood looked adequate for breathing, and it was kinda hot to deprive her a bit of her senses while turning her into an object. (Yes, some feminists like women as sex objects! I think it should be done consensually, unlike most objectification of women in our culture. Therein lies the problem.)

I felt like MasterDoc had complete control over me. If he wants to make me come, he can. If he wants to keep me coming, he can. If he wants me to cool down he can do it as well. It was really fucking hot. The slightest touch and I’m jelly.

We’ve fucked in many positions the past couple of days. Doggy, missionary, me on top. The basic three. The serviceable three. The ones that work so we all keep coming back to them.

I’ve been working extra hard to be a good submissive this week. I’ve done lots of household chores without being asked. When he’s asked for me to do something I react right away and get it done – no moaning. It’s not been perfect but I’ve been doing well. Proof of that is when I licked his ass without complaint or making a face AND I tried hard to do it right. I tried pushing my tongue into his hole. I tried sucking a bit. Anything he’s taught me he likes, I tried. I managed to push my sense of gross-out to the side and I could appreciate the act as service and giving him pleasure.

I helped him come that night with caresses and playing with his ass, kneading the flesh with my hands. I felt like talking about hot things I’d like him to do to me, or I was fantasizing about at the time. But my usual hesitance kept me thinking, “What if?” What if I talk too much. What if he’s not into what I’m describing. Would it be hot and forward or inappropriate for a sub? Stupid hesitance won out as usual. Blogging about this ensures that MasterDoc will talk to me about this, particularly if he does want me spewing a dirty stream of fantasy from my mouth.

When It Rains, It Pours

Published on October 31, 2010 in attraction, bdsm, bisexuality, blow jobs, caning, cunt, D/s, dating, exhibitionism, flogging, humiliation play, kink, lesbian, masochism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, sadism, sex, sex parties, sex toys, shio, spanking, squirting, submissive, sybian and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

I have to catch up here. I had some fun this week and haven’t posted about it yet!

Tuesday night I had alone with MasterDoc. It was the first time I’d had cock in a while and I was so ready for it. My muscles were tired (legs and arms in particular) from getting back to exercising, so I had to fight muscle fatigue while being fucked. I lay over the Liberator Axis, putting as much of my weight on it as possible. He fucked me hard enough to make me squirt and fucked me til I was exhausted. I collapsed over the axis, so very tired but also so very satisfied.

Luckily I was less tired when MasterDoc and I went to a kink party later in the week. It was one of those fabulous parties held by Sofija‘s former (?) Dom. The “Dom Arms Race” as MasterDoc calls it continues, with MasterDoc providing the sybian, the guy with the fucking machine providing that and another guy providing a spanking machine. Of course MasterDoc decided I would be a guinea pig for it. I stood where the guy told me to and the plexiglass paddle swung out via hydraulics when MasterDoc pushed the button. I have to be honest, it was pretty lame. It barely hurt. MasterDoc tried it a few times, but the consensus was that an actual spanking was far superior.

We had set up the sybian in the back of the party on a mat the host provided for us. MasterDoc did his best to charm the ladies into taking rides, but as usual there’s a lot of hesitancy until someone has demonstrated.

MasterDoc had me lean over a chair with my dress hiked up (it could only go as far as my leather waist cincher). He gave my ass a good going over with hands, crop, cane and flogger. I was delighted that the spanking went on for quite a while – he’s been pushing my limits lately. He’d also play with my cunt every now and then but didn’t bring me to orgasm. I was horny to begin with, and super horny after. My ass was quite sore after the crop, cane, flogger and his hands. He had me suck his cock and he fucked my mouth with it. I could tell he was enjoying having an audience as he so often does. I got into it too and rubbed his cock over my face, peering up at him as he stood over me. I do like me a rough, messy blow job these days.

We wandered the party a bit, and I whispered in his ear how horny I was. He pulled me close for a kiss and I swooned. Since I was so horny, he decided I’d be first to ride the sybian (as I often am). I came in the way that only horsepower can cause. I screamed, repeatedly. It felt amazing! He seemed to try to bury my head in his shoulder a bit to muffle my delighted screams. I could feel the squirt coming out of my cunt a few times and the liquid would roll past my thighs down the curved sides of the sybian. When we finished and I climbed off, I was surprised to not see much come on the mat. A bit later, however, we moved the sybian and there was a huge circle of girl come underneath. (!)

I lay on the mat resting and MasterDoc brought me some soda. “Guess who’s here?” he asked. I shook my head like I had no idea and then he told me Blondie was there. “Oh cool!” With a date. “Oh probably one of the subs she proDommes.” Her date is a woman. “Oh.” I had a momentary twinge of jealousy but then I moved on. It’s not like I don’t know she dates others (as do I!). It was lovely to see her unexpectedly. Her friend was very cool. What could have been awkward worked itself out and was quite pleasant. I watched Blondie tie up a guy, crop him, etc. As she did so she would bend over in the very short dress she was wearing. MasterDoc and I stared at her ass. MasterDoc hit it off with her friend, but of course it turned out she’s a lesbian.

As I waited outside the ladies’ room to wash off the sybian attachment, I ran into Sofija. I wondered if that could get awkward – the woman I’m actively dating and one I’ve had a long flirtation with in the same place. Sofija sexily took hold of the ring on my collar and apologized for being too busy to get together with me. She asked if I forgave her for it. I got a goofy grin on my face and my brain turned to mush. Of course I told her I wasn’t mad at her. She looked smokin’ hot. She’s tall, very curvy, her large boobs always out and available during these parties. She has curvy hips, curvy butt. Curves in all the right places. I took the liberty of playing with her tits a tiny bit. She leaned in and kissed me before moving on to her next flirtation.

After a bit, Sofija showed up by the sybian and had me hold her drink so she could get a ride. MasterDoc had me play with her during the ride and I caressed her thighs, her bountiful tits, her ass. Rowr. Just as she was worn out her (former? the current relationship isn’t clear) Dom made her get on again and come some more.

Blondie’s friend got a horsey ride and Blondie helped. She put a blindfold on her and, secured her arms behind her back. MasterDoc says it’s interesting giving sybian rides to lesbians, as they are very hesitant to lean forward onto him for support. I enjoyed watching the ride although her friend was conspicuously quiet. I don’t know that she came, but she did call the experience awesome.

Blondie and her friend didn’t play together, I’m not sure if that had anything to do with me being there or if they just came to the party as companions. Blondie stated early on that she wanted to beat some male ass pretty hard that night. She got the chance a couple of times. I could see her through the windowed room feeding baby food to the adult baby who comes to these parties. Later, I saw her giving him a firm “bare-hand” (with glove) spanking.

MasterDoc wanted me to try the fucking machine again. It didn’t work properly last time. I was strapped into massage chair set up like a gynecologist’s chair. MasterDoc applied lube and the large dildo was inserted. Mostly the machine hurt. It poked my cervix. I hated it. Of course, not being turned on worked against me. Perhaps if I had been ravenously horny I would have felt differently? I later described the experience as being “less fun than a gynecologist visit.”

As MasterDoc gave another sybian ride or two, I got to chat with Blondie a bit. She asked if I minded her reading this blog and I pointed out that I’m quite used to people reading the blog. Since it’s public and she knows about it, I’d expect that she might read it. I try to be kind to people on here (and have nothing bad to say about her anyway). I have no reason to be a bully. The only person I truly talk badly about here is the asshole who sexually assaulted me.

It was getting late, and I was growing tired. When I said goodbye to Sofija she said she really needs to get together with me as I’m so sexy. Rowr! We shared a lovely kiss goodbye.

MasterDoc and I gave Blondie a ride to the subway. She gave MasterDoc a hug from the backseat as she said goodbye, and gave me a kiss on the lips.

The following day, there was proof of “when it rains, it pours.” Stacina, who I had flirted with months ago and kept getting thwarted in fooling around with her when she came over to MasterDoc’s, joined us for lunch as she’s no longer engaged. I got a nice kiss on the lips hello, but otherwise the afternoon was quite chaste. She had back and pain issues so she wasn’t feeling up to MasterDoc’s seduction. Pity. But it was nice to hang out with her again. Suddenly the women I’ve been interested in have reappeared!

National Coming Out Day

Published on October 11, 2010 in attraction, bisexuality, dating, emotions, lesbian, musings, sex, sexuality and Uncategorized. 2 Comments

Today is National Coming Out Day in the U.S.

I’m not in a place where I feel comfortable putting my face and name here. I long to, but I understand the reality of needing a steady job. Instead, today I want to talk about accepting myself as bisexual (or pansexual) – fully, not in name only.

Last night I spent the evening with Blondie. She came over my place to watch movies (although I think we all know that such a plan is mostly an excuse to get together with someone). We only vaguely started La Dolce Vita and then later Coco Before Chanel. Both times we ended up talking or she initiated some cuddling and kissing. I still have such trouble initiating, which takes things to an absurd extreme considering a few weeks ago she fingered me to orgasm at a play party. If she wasn’t one to take the initiative, we would have just sat side by side on my sofa for hours.

I’ve written here before about the idea that I probably have some internal homophobia that goes on. I find that I was socialized for so many years to be just friends with women, that I have trouble acting like (and thinking that) I’m dating a woman. I’ve known for a very long time that I like women in pretty much the same way I like men – sexually and romantically. I first embraced the bisexual identity about 10 years ago when I stopped thinking, “Oh I like fantasizing about women, but I don’t think I want to actually do anything.” and had an epiphany that I really do like women. And yes, I want to date them, kiss them, make love to them, fuck them silly – just like I like doing with men. (In more recent years I’ve started opening myself up more to different gender representations, such as the crush I had on a wonderfully androgynous woman I sorta kinda dated briefly. And I’ve discovered that I like transmen. I have yet to become intimate with a transman, but the desire is there.)

It was lovely last night – she positioned herself so her legs were over my lap, and we would both caress whatever body parts were in reach now and then while we watched one of the movies. She asked if it was okay if she sat like that, and thankfully I can at least say, “Yes, I like this,” and articulate that her advances were not unwanted in the least. There have been women I’ve been “involved” with over the past 10 years who were just sexual playmates, but I find with Blondie that the experience is much fuller. I’m hot for her, for sure, and think it’s sexy and bold that she’s done a lot of porn in the past. But I also find her to be smart, fun to talk to, pretty and wonderful to cuddle with. She’s not just a porn actress to me, I like knowing her in her role as mother of two young children, or as someone who has studied Chinese medicine.

Thanks to her, things progressed and lots of touching, kissing, cuddling moved on to clothes coming off and nipples being sucked. (I love her nipples by the way.) While my intellectual brain sees nothing wrong with same-sex relationships, I think there’s a small part of me that has to check in with myself constantly to reassure myself that there’s nothing wrong with feeling desire for a woman and acting on it. I want to blame the Catholic church for this, as that’s how I was raised and I’m sure it has had an impact on me despite my renouncing religious faith of all kinds in my life.

Touching her, and being touched, was wonderful. She shyly checked in to see if I minded all the caressing, and I pointed out that I am a glutton for touch. I massaged her clit through her adorable new leopard print undies. She pulled mine down a bit and kissed and licked near my “landing strip” of pubic hair. Things didn’t progress into full-on sex as I was remiss in making sure I had gloves around. She prefers going the safer sex route even though she admits that the chances of transmitting infection via manual stimulation are pretty low. While I find that manual stimulation with bare hands to be an acceptable level of risk (for me), I can completely respect her wishes to use gloves. Hey, no glove, no love! So while there was teasing, tantalizing and lots of glorious foreplay, we didn’t fuck. I didn’t mind. I would have loved to fuck her, but spending time with her and being affectionate was really enough to make me happy.

But of course I will be sure to get some gloves for my place. *grin*

So I declare, on this National Coming Out Day, that I am dating a woman and am truly happy that I’m doing so. I identify as pansexual these days as bisexual just reinforces the whole gender binary thing (which isn’t really accurate). I like Blondie a great deal, and hope that things will continue to develop between us.

My coming out here isn’t really a revelation for my readers. I’ve been openly pansexual, kinky, poly and slutty for a long time here. But I needed to stand up and declare for myself that I am who I am, and who I am is just fine.

Aren’t all Second Dates at Swing Clubs?

Published on September 26, 2010 in attraction, bdsm, bisexuality, bondage, D/s, dating, DeeDee, kink, masochism, musings, non-monogamy, orgasm on command, porn, restraints, sadism, sex, sex parties, shio, slut, spanking, squirting, submissive, swinging and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Friday night I met up with Blondie, my date from a couple of weeks ago, while out at the swing club with MasterDoc and DeeDee. Yes, I know that’s an odd thing to invite someone to on a second date, but well that’s the kind of perv I am. Sometimes I think I have no sense of how the “regular,” non-kinky world operates – or that others may or may not understand my way of doing things. Ultimately I think it’s best to be me and see how the other person reacts. I want to be with someone who can handle my lifestyle.

I’ve gradually been introduced to my date’s sexy past. On our first date she mentioned shyly having been a sex surrogate. I’m sure my completely mellow and positive reaction to that has helped move along the level of things she feels comfortable telling me. I knew about the pro-Domme work by the end of the first date, but didn’t catch the porn work until the second one. I’m sure there’s plenty of people out there who would be freaked out by these things, but personally I think they’re utterly cool and sexually very hot. While I had looked at her myspace page, I didn’t notice porn info (but when she mentioned doing porn for the first time around me she thought I probably already knew from her page). I had known she did fetish modeling though. So dribs and drabs have some out in a short space of time. I can totally understand the gradual revealing of information – I want to be open about who I am and what I like to get up to, but I worry about judgment. So I have to toss a few things out there and see how they go. If they go well I can toss a few more out there.

So far anything we’ve each thrown out there has seemed to go well. After all a pervy sex blogger has much in common with a fetish porn actress. (Oh yes, she not only did “straight” porn, she’s also done fetish. HAWT!) I woke up Saturday morning to MasterDoc and DeeDee looking up her porn online, and seeing the kinky stuff she’s done makes me feel really happy and comfortable being a perv around her. This isn’t the first time I’ve fooled around with a porn actress, but it is the first time I’m dating one I suppose.

At the same time, I don’t want her to feel like sex is the only thing I’m after. She took a break from porn so her life has been different in the past few years. As much as I love hot sex and think she and I could have a ton of fun together, I am also happy to go at her pace should it happen to be slower than mine currently. I like her. I feel there’s time for things to develop. Perhaps the most amazing thing for me is the fact that I feel reasonably confident she likes me. Usually I can’t believe the other woman is into me. I suppose my self-esteem is finally at a point where, while some nerves and fear of rejection remain, I can also sit back and say, “She acts like she likes me. And why shouldn’t she?” Having an open mind that the other person could like you helps immeasurably. I’ve probably done more self-sabotage with women by refusing to believe they could possibly like me. (Sad, I know.)

Feminist perv that I am, I don’t assume that just because she’s done kinky shit she would necessarily want to do the same right away with me. I don’t take it personally that she likes to use gloves when first sleeping with someone new. I see it as a smart safer sex precaution. It’s more precaution than I feel is necessary for my own peace of mind, but the whole point of risk assessment is deciding what level of risk works for you. I can’t decide anyone else’s level of acceptable risk.

So after that long-winded intro, I suppose I should talk about Friday night.

Blondie was delayed, so she doesn’t come into the story until a little later. I hung out at the club with MasterDoc and DeeDee. He had us take turns sucking his cock right there in the open as usual. It’s cute to see how much he loves showing off the hot sex he has on tap from TWO women. He’s not someone you’d guess that about at first glance. But his confidence is alluring. And then you see his big cock. And then you discover his incredible skill in bed. And you figure out that he’s a highly intelligent man who is also a huge pervert – AND has a sense of humor. I really didn’t stand a chance when I met him, did I?

I started getting nervous that she hadn’t shown up. I’m still in that stage where my fragile ego is convinced I’ll get rejected. Thankfully, MasterDoc took me off into the back room and did some play to get my mind off things.

We actually brought my wrist and ankle cuffs for once (we have often meant to) and he attached me to the St. Andrew’s cross with DeeDee’s assistance. I had on my bra, fishnet stockings and garter belt, but had taken off my dress – and not worn panties in the first place. He spanked me, hitting me pretty hard. I found myself in a decidedly masochistic mood. He flogged me, used the riding crop on me. He flogged my butt and my upper back. I loved the pain, I loved the sense of him being in control. The crowd that night seemed less kink-savvy than it is some nights, but I blocked the crowd out and let myself get into the flogging. He started playing with my cunt, and shortly he told me to come. Fuuuuuck. It’s hard to come while holding yourself in a standing position. Oh yeah I’m technically held up by wrist cuffs, but I can’t really place my whole weight on that. So I had this struggle of “oh god that feels good, I’m coming!” mixed with “ow, my body is getting really tired from trying to hold myself up.” I think I squirted a tiny bit but it was interrupted by needing to support myself. I prefer coming when I can just lose myself to the orgasm and not have to worry about holding myself up.

I rested a bit after, thinking that I really need to get into shape. I talked to DeeDee about her latest job prospects when MasterDoc went off to use the bathroom. The three of us were back in the socializing area when Blondie showed up. I was glad to see her. I’m trying to find the right balance of excitement over meeting someone new I like, and expressing that I like her, without seeming too intense. I don’t know yet if this will be a romance, or play partners, or what have you. And being poly and already in a stable relationship I find it much easier to relax and see where life takes me. For now, I enjoy her company, I’m hot for her and want to keep getting together. The last thing I want to seem like is that old U-Haul joke (you know, the one that goes, “What does a lesbian bring to a second date?” “A U-Haul.”).

Walking around the swing club with another woman is a very different experience than being there with a man. It was the first time I had done so, and jeezus, the men flock. That evening seemed to have more than the usual amount of clueless males, but I think it would have been bad regardless. The lack of respect by your average straight guy for something that’s going on between two women is highly irritating. She was flogging me on the cross (not attached this time, but yes I was flogged twice. Yes, I’m lucky!) and some total idiot called out “What’s that feel like?!” and then came up beside me, put his hands against the wall and stuck his butt out. Blondie had no trouble firmly but politely telling him that he’s interrupting. I had no problem turning to him and letting him know he was being rude. “Seriously, you’re being a bit of a dick right now,” I said. He scurried off. The issues seem to be that in the swing atmosphere it’s much more accepted to try to get in on the action. It’s never okay to touch without permission, or to be a dick, but aggressive men asking if they could join us is to be expected. Kinksters seem to have a much better sense of letting people do their thing and not intruding. Just because you’re playing in public doesn’t mean you want people to join in. It pissed me off that the social conditioning for men is such that they can’t envision two women just playing together. We don’t need your cock to join in guys! I love cock and I’m pretty sure Blondie does too, but we’re perfectly happy being kinky by ourselves thank you.

It’s a shame because we have to be firm and bitchy. If you’re at all polite or friendly the guy will come back again, and again, and again. But it’s not easy to always be bitchy. If a guy is cute and under the right circumstances I’d be up for fucking him then I don’t want to be so stern that I make sure he never comes back. But if I’m not up for fucking him that night I’m in for lots of badgering all evening. And by the end of the night I’m far less interested.

We talked with a cute Asian guy, but his many attempts to get our numbers, invite us out to another swing club, etc. went un-encouraged for the most part. I gave him this blog address, but wouldn’t give out phone number. After all, I know my situation as MasterDoc’s submissive and the fact that me going to a swing club with some other guy is pretty counter to our dynamic. I don’t think he or I would be happy with that situation. (I don’t rule it out, but it’s not of interest just now.) Somehow it’s different with a woman. Women aren’t so fucking pushy.

But when we managed to ignore the interruptions she gave me a lovely flogging – a bit of pain mixed with lots of the lovely softness of her rabbit fur flogger. Her flogger is of a better quality than the one I acquired recently, and it’s possible to give a good hit with it. She used the riding crop on me (including my outer limbs which MasterDoc doesn’t usually do). I needed to sit down after a while, and she suggested I lay down on the bed so she could flog my front. Rowr. This she did, she also spread my legs to slap my thighs. I think she was going a bit easy on me, which would make perfect sense playing with someone new. I hope to encourage her to go harder in the future. She straddled me and played with my tits. I stroked her legs and when she took her top down to reveal her lacy camisole, I reached up to play with her tits too. I was in a happy place!

All of us left at the same time, and at the end I had expressed interest in going with her to a women-only play party the following night. (She had mentioned it before, I had been to a few of these parties years ago.) We parted ways with the agreement to make plans the next day.

Why The Lesbian Sheep Dance?

Published on July 16, 2010 in anxiety, attraction, bisexuality, lesbian, musings, poly, sexuality and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

The other day MasterDoc asked me if, when it comes to dating women, I sabotage myself. I had to say yes, I think I do but of course figuring out why is much harder.

I do wonder if I have some deeply internalized homophobia going on – as in, being gay is just fine but oooh I’d be a bad person if I did it. Perhaps my upbringing in a Catholic family (albeit rather lapsed), in the suburbs (where people tend to conform even more), during the 80′s (you never saw openly gay kids in high school back then – at least not in the burbs where I was, and blatant homophobia was rampant) all contributed to this state of affairs. My grandmother, who I grew up in the house with, would have flipped out over my brother being gay or me being bi. She was deeply distressed back when Rosie O’Donnell came out. She liked Rosie and was bewildered to find that she’s “a gay.” I pointed out to her that she was still the same exact person she enjoyed watching on tv before, only now she knew more about her private life than before.

My grandmother passed away in 2002, and while I was out to myself as bi (and had had sex with women by then) I was totally closeted as far as my family was concerned. I’m still not out to my dad. My brother only came out as gay around 2006 (he’s much younger than me, he was around 23 at the time). My father, who I was always close to, is deeply uncomfortable with homosexuality. He’s a 62-year-old man who grew up in a Catholic family during an era when homosexuality was truly vilified (hey, he grew up in New York pre-Stonewall). In so many ways my dad is a spectacular guy – but he cannot seem to get it into his head that homosexuality is not a choice, does not do bad things to your soul, and ultimately is a natural part of the world. He would never be mean or antagonistic towards someone he knew was gay, but he would be deeply uncomfortable.

Since I’ve been closer to my dad than my mom, it’s not surprising that after my brother came out I came out to my mother – because frankly I could give a shit if she didn’t like it. But I’m really afraid of disappointing my father. Already, he’s struggling with the whole poly thing and he hasn’t even met MasterDoc yet (and has no idea he’s much older than me). Imagine if I threw a girlfriend into the mix?

My mother was totally accepting of both my brother and I – though I don’t think she quite “gets” that poly is an ongoing thing and not just something you do until you settle down. Her family was far more liberal than my father’s ever was. (The aforementioned grandmother who I grew up with was dad’s mom.) And while my brother is gay and open-minded in some ways, he does identify still as Roman Catholic (says his Facebook page) and *shudder* republican. Being the way out left liberal that I am kinda makes me the black sheep of my immediate family. They’re largely used to and embracing of how “unique” I am, but there’s still some things best not discussed around family. I’m used to keeping parts of myself and my life secret from them.

So do I sabotage myself? It’s possible. Why don’t I ever EVER make a move on a woman I’m interested in? If a woman I like pursues me, then we’re fine, but as so many of us ladies do the lesbian sheep dance it leaves me in a position where I long for a woman in my life, but never quite get one. How can I work through this and get over my subconscious hang up?