Author Archive for Nadia

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Bullshit, Part II

Published on November 22, 2011 in anger, anxiety, assault, consent, recovery, stupid people, trauma, trust, Uncategorized and venting. 3 Comments

On the other end of the irritating spectrum is the fact that the guy who sexually assaulted me is still denying it. (Description here, despite his trying to claim I deleted it off my blog.) I wrote about my situation, not naming him of course, on Good Vibrations’ blog because I think more discussion needs to happen around non-consensual acts in a community that prides itself on consent. He commented (outing himself!?) denying that anything non-consensual happened. GV got nervous, so I offered to re-write the post. The original can now be found on Kitty Stryker’s blog. He also tried to leave a comment here, but I don’t feel I owe this man any airtime in my space.

It’s disgusting that this man still refuses to take responsibility for his actions. I feel certain that there could be clear video and audio footage of the incident – of me telling him to take the speculum out because it hurt and his continuing to hurt me instead – and he’d still deny responsibility. I don’t expect any different from him, but he should realize that he’s not going to shut me up about what I KNOW happened.

It’s also disgusting that it seems the organizers of the Geeky Kink Event told him that I sent them information on him. Hey, it was within their rights to decide to keep him teaching a class, but to tell him that his victim reported him? What the fuck? They could have very well put me in danger. So far harassing comments denying his responsibility are all that he’s done, but they didn’t know what might happen. I’m still waiting for an explanation for this. MasterDoc contacted them and so far they don’t seem to have anything to say for themselves.

I’m refraining from naming the con that approached me discreetly and respectfully earlier this year and decided to ban the asshole. Hopefully it drives him nuts to not know who will be denying his application to teach next year. I had hoped that maybe people were becoming more concerned with consent and better able to handle complaints since things were handled so beautifully with this con. Unfortunately, it seems I can be sure of that with only one grouping. As for the Geeky Kink Event, if you’re a survivor don’t approach them as they clearly won’t honor your privacy one iota (nor worry about your safety). And if the guy who assaulted me is to be believed, apparently they feel qualified to decide if I was assaulted or not.

Bullshit, Part I

Published on November 21, 2011 in anger, bdsm, consent, D/s, DeeDee, happy, kink, mental illness, mother, musings, sexuality, stupid people, trust, Uncategorized and venting. 3 Comments

It has been quite a week here. I’ve been sick, DeeDee had family issues and I dealt with premenstrual dysphoric disorder early in the week. I hope next week is far better.

I’ve been left contemplating how consenting adults can have their choices questioned (part I) but on the other hand people who violate withdrawn consent can go around denying it for years (part II).

Some members of DeeDee’s family have decided that she can’t possibly have chosen to be in a bdsm relationship. They think she must be abused. They’ve found my blog and point to my own history with depression (and the one time I was hospitalized for such 23 years ago when I was a teenager). People into bdsm are as varied as any other group of people. Some are mentally well, some have mental illness, some are awesome people who stick strictly to the notion that consent matters, and unfortunately, a few are predatory. People into bdsm generally like things more intense than others. Are people who like to burn their mouths on hot, spicy food sick people? How is this different? I like extra spice with my sexuality. I like the feelings of bliss released when controlled pain is applied to my body in a consensual situation. While I suffer from a mental illness, that is not what causes me to love playing with power differential sexually. I’ve had kinky fantasies since childhood, and while my family is your garden-variety dysfunctional American family, I was not abused at all in childhood. No one beat me, no one did inappropriate sexual things to me (or, indeed, any sexual things to me). I was treated lovingly for the most part and, as an only child for the first 11 years, I was pretty much spoiled. (On one side of the family, I was the only grandchild for 9 years. Oh yeah. Spoiled.) Being turned on by thoughts of bondage and helplessness just occurred naturally. (And, I might add, long before I was raped or sexually assaulted. Rape and sexual assault, sadly, are more common in this world than bdsm.)

The infantilization of those with mental illness would be humorous if it wasn’t so damn offensive. I would like to think that while I certainly talk about a lot of intense kinky sex here, I also very clearly convey the loving relationship I have with MasterDoc. He doesn’t take advantage of my mental illness. If anything he has mentored me in adopting better coping mechanisms. I don’t blow up in emotional outbursts as often as I used to. I’m far better at asking for what I need emotionally rather than stewing and expecting others to read my mind. Bad methods of coping I learned from my mother have been slowly unlearned with MasterDoc’s patient teaching. I suffer far less distress than I used to because I can handle things more rationally.

But, you see, I would bet DeeDee’s family will think he made me write that, or something. Determining that my agency has been taken away from me without so much as talking to me is also damn offensive. While I like the security of considering myself owned by MasterDoc, the truth is owning people is illegal in the United States. I am a free woman. I have a career. I can pay my own bills. No one is manipulating me to be MasterDoc’s submissive. I have the means to leave if I wanted. But I don’t want to – not because anyone has worn me down or some shit, but because I have a tremendous amount of loving support from my chosen family. My current household is so delightfully stable and placid compared to that of my parents’ house. (While ultimately loving, my Mother had a tendency to shout and have emotional outbursts. Thankfully my Dad was stable.)

I think it might actually disappoint some people just how normal and dare I say, equitable, our relationship can be. I can disagree with him. We will discuss things we disagree on. MasterDoc likes having intelligent women as submissives because he’s not looking to control someone 24/7 (not to mention the conversation is far better). He wants us to think for ourselves. He wants the best for us. He’s still good friends with his former submissives. Hardly sounds like they fled from him, huh? He walked one down the aisle as her bridal attendant and she counts him as her best friend.

But I could talk about that ad nauseum and still not convince people. That’s okay. I know I’m in a happy and stable relationship. I know MasterDoc has not ever laid a finger on me in anger, and never will.

Come Again?

Published on November 20, 2011 in bdsm, cunt, D/s, flogging, forced orgasm, happy, horny, kink, libido, masochism, masturbation, orgasm on command, restraints, sex, sex toys, shio, spanking, squirting, submissive, trust and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Posting has been thin because I’ve been sick. I didn’t have the energy for orgasms, or writing this week. I wanted to though!

But Saturday I got some alone time with MasterDoc and I’m finally feeling much better. He put my cuffs on my wrists. The collar stayed off until we got to the bedroom. We put on some kinky porn (a full length Device Bondage clip on pornhub – I selected it). It was pretty damn hot. I got up for a moment to get something and complained that I didn’t want to miss any. MasterDoc paused the clip, went into the playroom and came back with his small flogger.

“Want to know what you missed? This is what you missed,” and he started flogging my tits. It made me giggle until the left nipple got a particularly sharp crack that made me wince. We smiled and got back to the porn.

Soon we realized that moving to the bedroom was overdue. We moved his laptop so we could continue the porn. I love how her helplessness in bondage is brought up by the Dom. If that was me I’d be so on the edge of coming if it was pointed out that I was secured. I still remember playing around with bondage with my first boyfriend. (Oh gawd, that was just over 20 years ago. I feel old.) He tied me to his bed with his school ties (Catholic school boys are freaks). I would come even harder whenever I pulled at the bonds and felt held down.

Yes, I’ve been kinky as long as I can remember. That was just the first time I got to do those things with another person.

There was no bondage for me today, but MasterDoc did have me sit on the bed with my hands behind my head while he flogged my tits, thighs, tummy and pussy. Someone recently expressed concern (not to me directly) that I’m some abused, broken woman after reading this blog. As he flogged me and I thought about how much I enjoyed it, I shook my head (internally, not literally) and wondered how our fun and games could be so misconstrued.

MasterDoc decided we should take a break to cuddle while we watched the porn. I played with my clit and I could tell he was stroking his cock behind me. Unexpectedly, he told me to come. Holy shit. I hadn’t been anywhere close to orgasm but I came within seconds. He gently but firmly grabbed my hair as I squirted a load of hot girl come on the throe. I was surprised by how much I squirted. Squirting seems really sporadic for me recently, but I certainly needed rehydration after this afternoon.

Huzzah!

He wanted to fuck me, and watch the porn, so we set up the bed. I was on my knees and could not wait for him to put his penis inside me. While I kinda wanted to watch the porn, I totally forgot about it when he started fucking me hard. He’d slap my ass a bit and then plow into me with his cock. I wanted to come so badly, but I waited until he gave permission.

Once he did there was no stopping me. The woman in the porn was on a sybian, and I marveled at how, like that machine, MasterDoc can make me just come and come and come. Seriously. I can only imagine the fun we would have had had we met earlier, although I’m not sure I could have handled him at a much younger age than when I met him. I bit the throe for a while and tried to bury my ecstatic screams in the mattress. While the coming would ebb for a bit, he’d slap my ass and plow into me some more, and I would be delirious with orgasm once again.

I have no idea how long he made me come. Wonderfully long. As I collapsed next to him, I said, deadpan, “I’m so abused.” This was good for a chuckle. Why do I find it so funny? Because an abused woman isn’t being given lots of orgasms, followed by lots of cuddles. She doesn’t find her self-esteem growing as her relationship grows deeper with her man. I have to laugh at the absurdity of it or I’d be pretty pissed off by the assumption that I’m only with MasterDoc because… well I don’t even know why. He’s beaten me down? Er, no. He keeps me on tight leash? Hardly. (Although that might be hot now and then. *wink*) I’m dependent on him? Nope, I’m not. Only dependent in the sense that I turn to my chosen family for comfort, support and companionship. I depend on them for that.

I thought that was probably all, especially since MasterDoc has started feeling under the weather himself today. But the porn kept running and I soon buried my fingers in my pussy. He returned to the room after a few moments away to find me masturbating. We chatted a little, and I reached for the Hitachi. With his assistance, I came even harder than before. I think you can tell the depth of the orgasmic feeling by my voice during it – it was higher pitched for the orgasms during sex, but got really guttural when I came from the wand and his hand. As I started to come he pushed the head of the wand against me. Fuuuuck. He slipped fingers inside my cunt, and also touched various spots on my pelvis and thighs that send me reeling.

I squirted some more. And lay spent. I gave him a fuzzy smile.

Surely we were finished.

I can’t recall how it came about, but the man made me come again. I’m just such a poor unfortunate soul aren’t I?

Hell no, I’m a very sexually satisfied woman.

Cuddles and caressing his the “spot” on his chest topped off a very pleasurable afternoon. (I’ve discussed the spot before. This patch of hair in the center of his chest that is just so wonderful to pet.)

Trying New Things

Published on November 8, 2011 in anxiety, bdsm, cunt, D/s, edge play, kink, masochism, piss play, porn, sadism, sex and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

I think that maybe providing a play-by-play narrative of our sexual encounters has gotten old. (For me at least!) But there’s usually some tidbit that is interesting or something I can expound upon. Despite over four years of kinky stuff, we still find new things to do!

Last night he used Icy Hot on my pussy for the first time. I had been feeling a little left out since he tried it on other ladies months ago. I think ultimately I liked it, but certainly there were moments when my cunt felt like it was on fire. The heat and pain would fluctuate. MasterDoc got ice cubes to cool it down, but for me cold is more painful than hot. I’d rather have the fiery labia than the sharp shock of cold on them.

He started off with some on my nipples; the sensation there was minimal. He threatened to pull back the clitoral hood and slap some right on to my clit, but it was initially a fake out and he rubbed some in to my labia.

It tingles, then it flares up. He applied more a little later and I paid attention to the ever changing sensations, trying to decide if I liked it or not. At times, it felt so inflamed that I imagined my labia to be greatly swollen. I suppose the thing that made me decide I ultimately liked the sensation was when he fucked me. My pussy was extra sensitive – on the outside. MasterDoc was careful not to get more than an incidental amount of Icy Hot inside. (Thank you, Sir!)

It’s funny, because while I can say that my sensitivity was heightened, I don’t know if I could quantify my orgasms as “better than” so much as “also fabulous.” I’m so damn lucky that I can be blase about the orgasms I have. I wish all the women reading this could have the same orgasms I do. You all deserve it.

The night before he did a wee bit of breath play while getting me warmed up. I tried to go with it as he pressed his hand against my throat slowing the flow of blood to my brain. But just as things started to get fuzzy I panicked. He released my throat. He knows that I have anxiety around not being able to breathe, and while it’s intriguing to think of him having such control over me as to make me pass out, I think odds are I’ll panic whenever close.

A good Dom will understand their sub’s anxieties and work around them or work on improving them. Traumatizing me would not have a positive end result, but gradually working towards something he wants me able to handle could ultimately lead me into new experiences.

Alas, I still hate the idea of piss play. I don’t find it hot. He called me into his room yesterday to see a video that Blondie had done in her porn days which included a lot of piss. Ugh. I lucked out when the streaming video froze on his computer. I didn’t want to have to watch all 30 minutes of it.

But again, while I hate it, there is something hot about being made to do it. There’s also a lot of grossness to being made to do it! Thankfully, he doesn’t do the piss play thing often.

A Geeky and Kinky Weekend

Published on November 6, 2011 in anxiety, assault, bdsm, bisexuality, caning, D/s, emotions, exhibitionism, flogging, forced orgasm, kink, lesbian, masochism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, sadism, sex, sex parties, sexuality, shio, spanking, squirting, stress, stupid people, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

MasterDoc and I are home from the Geeky Kink Event. The idea of geekiness and kinkiness in one weekend was too much to resist.

Unfortunately, there were few sessions we were interested in attending – either they were too basic for us (such as the anatomy of masturbation) or just not well run. I can’t speak on the myriad sessions I skipped, but that was our general view. Also I run into the problem that I’m often not a geek for things that make up “geeky” events. I don’t watch Dr. Who (though I love Torchwood), or Buffy, or anime. I don’t know how to play many of the games geeks play. I needed a nice corner with Monty Python and popular music geeks to hang with.

I still had a good time. Our friend V. was there for the weekend with her girlfriend and I got to have lunch with them on Saturday. Shane was there, spending some time running (or attempting to run) games in the gaming room, but mostly spending time with an ex who had come along to hang out. (Alas, I did not get naughty naked time with Shane this weekend.) We met a cute, nice young woman who MasterDoc met on fetlife – she’s eager to become a librarian. After my initial advice of, “Don’t do it!,’ I followed that with, “Just kidding. But are you ready for a life of poverty?” It’s funny, I love my work in many, many ways, but knowing how tight the job market is, how difficult and stressful it can be doing more with less after massive budget cuts, I’m not as eager to encourage others into the profession. The profession itself is quite honorable – ensuring access to information to all citizens, regardless of income. (I speak from a public libraries point of view.) Like any customer-service kind of job, you deal with total assholes, but I’d say most people are at least ok to deal with, and others are just lovely.

Plus I get to buy books with money that isn’t mine. That’s awesome.

Friday night in the dungeon MasterDoc gave me a sybian ride – probably the first one I’ve had in months. Me and the sybian have been a little at odds with each other. Despite the incredible orgasms it can give me, I’ve gotten kinda sick of the machine as it eats up too much of MasterDoc’s time at parties. We put our differences aside, however, and I shrieked uncontrollably as I came. I find that I reach a point where I’m so out of breath I think I want it to stop, but then realize how good it feels and don’t want it to stop.

MasterDoc lay with me for a little while in the aftercare room down the hall. It was lovely to have an adorable young butch dyke offer something sweet to eat to help me recover. If I wasn’t such a scaredy cat at hitting on people I should have said she’s the something sweet I’d like. Since the mattresses were taken when we got there we ended up on a blanket on the hard floor. Oh well. The set up of water and snacks was such a good idea – every event should have an aftercare room.

All weekend, I was drooling over all the adorable baby dyke butches around me. I want one! My birthday’s coming up, will someone remember that for me? Mmkay? I got the impression that many of them were subs (collars being a clue) so I suppose I’m not really what they’d want. But if there’s a toppy, boyish, lesbian out there who’s interested, drop me a line. As much as I have a thing for transmen, I find that I prefer my butch lesbians to be boyish rather than manly.

It was fascinating to just people watch at the event. Lots of people wore costumes – Drs. Who and Horrible were pretty popular. One guy dressed as Dr. Horrible on Friday evening looked a great deal like NPH. There was a lot of steampunk aesthetic of course. There were sexy ladies walking around half naked, and even a few guys in that state. The creativity and gender bending was a lot of fun. Since it was a geek event, there was a preponderance of people who were perhaps social skills-impaired (or style-impaired), as well as a seemingly large percentage of the morbidly obese. (In costumes such as a Hogwarts school girl. Many things were NOT fun to see too. But I do my best to reserve judgement and support the idea that everyone deserves the right to dress up, or get naked in play space.)

We ran into a geeky, kinky woman we know who we haven’t seen in years. She didn’t recognize us because we’ve both lost weight and she had gained a little (in curves really, not fat, her tits looked amazing). MasterDoc finally got the opportunity to give her a sybian ride on Saturday night. I got my second one of the weekend that night as well, and squirted a fair amount. I hadn’t noticed Shane and his ex arrive in the dungeon because I was too busy coming.

The black cloud of the weekend was seeing the guy who sexually assaulted me several years ago. I knew he was going to be there since he was slated to teach one of the sessions (just the person you want to give some sort of legitimacy to by having them present at your event, no?) but it was still a shock and trigger when we went to the hotel bar for our free drink and there he was. I felt panicked and grabbed MasterDoc to tell him who was there. We got our drinks and sat down away from the douchebag and the poor unfortunate woman he undoubtedly got to pay for his hotel room. I had some PTSD to deal with when we hung out in our room waiting for dinner to be delivered.

He later appeared in the dungeon while MasterDoc was giving sybian rides, but I had popped a xanax by that time. He steered clear of me (if he recognizes me), I steered clear of him. Thankfully, I only saw him those two times. I was hoping I’d luck out and not see him at all. As I carried our heavy toybag down the hall Saturday night, I had a momentary fantasy of coming across him and feigning an accidental plowing into him with the bag. I’d say, “Oops. That was an accident. Don’t worry, it was just a bad thing that happened to two good people.” (He fed me that line while refusing to take responsibility for his actions after the assault.)

The shopping was fun – I mostly window shopped but I also bought a waist cincher that fits me. I need to sell off the two larger corsets I have. V. would like to try them on and maybe buy them from me. Fingers crossed they fit her. The hotel room had a full length mirror, and I rarely look in one, but I had to gaze at my transformed body for a bit. I understood how it is that people have told me I look even taller now. I do somehow. I guess because I’m narrower than before but still every bit as tall.

My new thinness gave me a certain boost of confidence, but my skin heard it was a geek event and decided to have a small breakout. Gee, thanks skin! Nothing like a big, red, cystic zit on the side of my neck, eh? There were a couple of equally red but much smaller pimples on my face. My bangs mostly hid those though.

Overall there were lots of nice and interesting people there. We didn’t end up playing with anyone we didn’t know (with the exception of MasterDoc giving a few ladies sybian rides). Our geekiness does translate into a little social awkwardness too. DeeDee is the social butterfly, but she wasn’t with us. I got to see intense scenes – one that I would NOT want to do myself, but it was intense and gripping to watch. A Dom used a staple gun to shoot staples into his subs upper arms. Youch. I cringed repeatedly, hopefully they didn’t notice or didn’t mind the reaction. There was a long-lasting flogging and spanking that was fun to watch too. MasterDoc gave me a caning before Saturday’s sybian ride, but that was our only bdsm play over the weekend.

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Service – Knowing His Body

Published on October 26, 2011 in D/s, dom, musings, submissive and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

One of the many perks of being a dominant with a submissive is sorely overlooked. Sure, the sex when you want it and done to your specifications is awesome. Getting your housework done rocks too. But I think some dominants probably overlook the realm of physical care of the dominant.

MasterDoc has been encouraging me to write about how, in service to him, I have come to learn his body really well. I’ve surely mentioned it in regards to things like blow jobs, but there’s many other ways it comes in handy. He is thrilled that I’ve gotten really good at massaging his back. Two points that bother him a lot are his lower back and right shoulder. He’s given me a lot of verbal feedback over the years. Dominants, speak up!

I’ve come to pay attention to the underlying structures of his body with my hands. If you pay attention, you can feel where there’s a tense tendon or muscle and then work on loosening that up. I also have memorized the points that he reacts best to during massage. So when his shoulder is acting up, I can get right to the spot that helps.

Sex and Spanking

Published on October 25, 2011 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

The depression started lifting on Sunday. That night I got to have sex with MasterDoc, but even more helpful was the intense beating he gave me.

Early on, he straddled me after rubbing my sore back (he’s a nice Dom!) and grasped my hands in his, holding me down. It was just for a moment but it turned me on so much. Foreplay doesn’t have to be genital stimulation. He fucked me from on top, which was just luck since he originally told me to get on top, but then the condom was an issue and he opted to get up once it was sorted out. He fucked me hard. It felt wonderful to come for so long. The orgasms were good for me.

After the sex, he followed through on his plan to give me the beating I was long overdue for. If you’re new to this blog, when I say “beating” I mean a consensual ass whupping with fun implements like canes and paddles. I don’t mean it in the abusive sense. The endorphin rush that comes after it leaves me blissed out. It’s a kindness that he does this for me.

He pushed me a bit, and used more varied implements than he does with most spankings. Two of the canes, the paddle (which DeeDee prefers whereas I prefer the canes), his huge hands, and his heavy buffalo flogger. It hurt more than usual, but I was deeply in subspace, thinking that hey, I’m his. He can hurt me if he likes. This sort of domination can really get me off. It made it easier to take the pain. It also helped that he would take brief breaks from inflicting pain after a particularly hard thwack. Letting me catch my breath and calm down after pain enabled me to keep going.

I was surprised by the intensity and length, but he seemed to sense just how much I needed to leave me a calm puddle.

The Good and The Sad

Published on October 24, 2011 in anxiety, crazy, D/s, depression, emotions, exhibitionism, mental illness, musings, show, submissive and Uncategorized. 2 Comments

I’m even more behind in blogging than usual. Over a week ago, MasterDoc and I did a show for the first time in a long time. It was a guy we had had over before, and like before I finished the scene with giving our guest a prostate massage until he came all over my tits. I have a few drafts, barely started, of posts about sexual things.

I’ve had some fantastic sex with MasterDoc. I also had Shane over last week (rowr); we hung out and again had awesome sex. I rode him, and when he’d reach his fingers to rub my clit I would grab my ankles and lean back a little. I think that’s when I came the hardest.

But the terrible part is, despite great sex, despite orgasms that blew my mind, I was mired in a severe depression for a few days.

This sucker was the type to blow all my usual depressions out of the water. When I was a teen, I was hospitalized for three months with depression. This felt like that sort of depression.

I thought I was all over this deep of an illness. I had matured, gotten medicated and better able to handle mood issues. But for the first time in well over a decade, I had fears of being hospitalized again.

I’m usually quite comfortable discussing depression. I feel that if it’s not talked about it remains mysterious and strange for those who aren’t mentally ill. But this time around I felt shame. I felt shame that I am so fucked up that I’m technically one of those people who are being made fun of when people joke about crazy people. (Pisses me off that if I had cancer or diabetes or some-such, the teasing would be just shocking to everyone and the jokers would be shamed.) I struggled with simply taking care of myself, which of course makes my submissive duties much, much harder. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t be a fully effective submissive.

I get pissed off that my illness could be used against me when I speak out about the times I was raped or sexually assaulted. My being mentally ill doesn’t mean those things didn’t happen, weren’t traumatic (to even an ordinary, mentally fit person) and doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be taken seriously. It’s so easy to take advantage of the mentally ill. People don’t take us seriously. We doubt ourselves a lot. Even when I’m not in an ill state, having “crazy” thrown at me (like after I was assaulted) stings like a motherfucker.

Usually, when I’m depressed I feel sad, out of sorts, have a hard time functioning. But this Friday-Sunday it was beyond that. I spent time with MasterDoc Saturday night, and despite amazing (truly AMAZING) orgasms, I cried as we cuddled after. I just couldn’t stop the tears. He’s one of the very few people I can relax around and just go with what’s going on. And it is amazing how he lets me cry and is just there for me.

On Friday, I felt like my chosen family wasn’t taking the severity of my depression seriously. But a talk with my friend DivaSub made me realize something – I have gotten very, very good at hiding just how mentally ill I can be. That conversation reminded me of one in high school with my best friend. I couldn’t understand how people didn’t know that I was totally miserable and anxious enough for regular panic attacks. My friend pointed out to me that I always seemed happy. I have become TOO good at not letting people know what’s going on inside. I think MasterDoc is the only person who I will let my guard down around and cry because of depression.

Let me explain for those who haven’t experienced it – it’s not that I’m sad 24/7 when I’m depressed. I have ups and downs, but my mood swings wildly and the downs are more frequent and much deeper than normal. I have anxiety that makes me not want to leave the house. I fear that the careful control I have will break down and I’ll be crazy in public. So the best thing to do is avoid being out of the house as much as possible.

I fear getting so mentally ill that I have to take a break from work. I fear that everyone will know then that I’m ill.

I hate the fact that I feel shame over this. I can’t control it. I’m not a bad person. But I have bouts when I’m quite depressed, when my brain isn’t working right and I can’t muster energy for basic functions. I’m sad and teary often. Please remember though, most of the time I feel quite mentally stable. (As I feel right now.) And this is probably true for a great many mentally ill people.

We Actually Went Out

Published on October 10, 2011 in anxiety, bdsm, blow jobs, cunnilingus, D/s, forced orgasm, orgasm on command, sex, spanking and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

My extreme homebodiness gave me a little reprieve Friday night. I didn’t feel averse to going out, and got to go out with MasterDoc for the first time in a while. (DeeDee was unfortunately sick and stayed home.) For a total change of pace, we started the night in the bdsm club. There was a presentation arranged by a local group before the club opened. The topic sounded interesting and so we went. Hey, how bad can a talk and demonstration of kinky stuff be?

Now I won’t name names because I don’t want to be bitchy towards the person who presented or the people who arranged it. But despite good info and good demonstrations (the demo model was just adorable and they had great chemistry) the presentation was amazingly tedious. I didn’t know anyone could possibly make bdsm THAT boring. I wanted to hit my head against the wall. I pictured the episode of The Young Ones (called “Boring”) where Rik breaks down sobbing because Neil the hippie is taking a long time to explain something and it’s horribly boring. I felt like Rik.

The hour or so of lecture was mostly painful, but even after we didn’t opt to stay at the club. We rarely go to this club because although they have lots of bdsm equipment, there’s no sex allowed. (NYC law. No alcohol either.) MasterDoc and I both like our bdsm with sex ultimately.

We went to the usual swing club. It was fairly busy when we got there, and became even busier later. MasterDoc nearly got distracted by the ladies around us but then remembered that the best way to handle me is to make me come first. After that I’m pretty mellow for the rest of the evening. We commandeered the large bed and MasterDoc went down on me. I strangely had a strong negative reaction to this. I’m not big on oral these days. I preferred it to sex when I was much younger, but now I’d rather have the sex. And since we were in public, I was in my collar and people were watching, it made me uncomfortable to have MasterDoc going something that seems like servicing me. While he and I are both of the opinion that if a Dom wants to eat pussy, then (s)he should do as (s)he damn well wishes. The act itself isn’t necessarily submissive. But I know that other people might see it differently, and I felt uncomfortable having my Dom seem less domly in public. I couldn’t come even though I tried to close my eyes and focus on the sensations of his tongue.

We took a break, and MasterDoc said that it’s ok, we weren’t on a schedule. I explained to him my reaction, and I don’t think he expected that to be the issue at all. He had me suck his cock, and I was better able to get into subspace and enjoy myself then. He got into Dom mode and started making me gag on his cock. I loved it. Saliva was running out of my mouth. He slapped his cock against my face and then shoved me down on it again. I love this sort of play lately. One time he gagged me enough that I was feeling kinda floaty by the time I got air in. I like when it gets that way. My jaw became a bit sore, but I wanted to make him feel good and to perform well in front of the people around us.

Our friend Veronica came in and started playing with a couple of guys. She’s cute so it’s quite nice to see her naked and fooling around. MasterDoc flipped me over at one point, and made me come by slapping my ass and cunt. It felt good to come. My eyes clenched shut and the world around me receded. I did wonder to myself if my orgasm faces were making any of the men around me hot. As I think I’ve said before, while I love knowing there’s an audience, I mostly prefer not to look at them.

I sucked MasterDoc’s cock hard again. (Complete with more choking. I think both of us like it when he’s all rough and dominant with me with an audience. While heading out for the evening, I got hot thinking about being his dirty slut.) He fucked me from behind, and goddamn did I come! He surprised me with lots of intense pounding. For a moment I thought the pain of my pummeled cervix would be too much, but then I came some more and forgot about it. It actually might have added to the experience. I could feel my tender cervix for hours after.

The club was unusually busy, and the owner pressed MasterDoc and I into service with hanging up coats and giving tours. I grinned as MasterDoc got to lead around a pack of attractive women. He had turned on the charm and it was cute to watch. Despite my feeling shy, MasterDoc made me help out and give a tour. It went okay as the couple was nice. The woman was quite heavy, and yet I thought she was kinda sexy. Of course, I think more than a few people thought we worked there by the end of the evening.

MasterDoc sat among the lovely ladies he gave the tour to earlier. A couple of people asked what’s in our large toybag. MasterDoc showed them. One of the ladies commented on how he has a pretty woman (me) and that he’s lucky. I grinned as this triggered his, “She’s the lucky one” story.

MasterDoc rightly points out that how he gets attractive women is by honestly believing that the woman is the lucky one to be with HIM. With some men this would be delusional, but with MasterDoc it’s true – I’m lucky to be with him. (He will admit he’s a lucky man to have me and DeeDee.) He may look unassuming, but he is quite extraordinary. And he knows it. (He also knows he’s not perfect.)

The club was so unusually crowded that we didn’t end up playing any more. As we drove home, we passed a large, hipster bowling place and I thought to myself – I’d had a MUCH better night than going bowling could possibly be. This made me smile.

Even though my collar was off, I addressed MasterDoc as Sir at one point. I’m not required to call him Sir unless he issues a direct order OR my collar is on. But I think it’s good when it slips out on its own. While I’m glad MasterDoc is not heavy on protocol, I wonder if sometimes it would be better for me to have to be a bit more respectful. On the other hand, until he got to know me and how I love to tease those I love, it was a bit difficult to get away with teasing.