Monthly Archive for July, 2011

Anxiety is Not a Good Party Guest

Published on July 30, 2011 in anxiety, bdsm, crazy, D/s, depression, dom, embarrassment, emotions, libido, mental illness, neurosis, sex, sex parties, sex toys, stress, swinging, sybian and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

When I have a bout of angst and body issues, I sure know how to do it up.

MasterDoc and I went to a private party last night. We had partied at this person’s house before, he’s someone MasterDoc has known in the scene for many years. You’d think with my recent weight loss I’d feel like hot shit and all sort of confident. Last time I went to a party there (a couple of summers ago) I had a great time and ate out some cute woman by the edge of the pool among other things. You would think that I’d run with more abandon now that I’m not quite the “fat chick” anymore.

You would think that, but you would be wrong.

This time, there seemed to be a preponderance of hot, young people there. So many pretty women I’d gladly have made out with, but because of my overwhelming anxieties I didn’t get anywhere close. Instead I just saw many of them make out with each other as I yearned from the sidelines.

Social anxiety is something I often have, but I had long prided myself on being the first person naked at a sex party. Talking to strangers is hard, but getting naked and fucking them is not so hard. But last night I was convinced that I look worse now than when I was much heavier. The sagging skin I have from the weight loss got blown out of all proportion in my mind. The fact that I’m nearly 40 and so many women there were in their 20s intimidated the hell out of me. They were fit, with perky breasts. I felt like I’d look horrible in comparison. My clothes were on way more often than they were off.

To add to my mishegos was the fact that many of them seemed to know each other and were comfortable flirting with each other or just diving in. I felt like I was invisible much of the night. I’m sure MasterDoc was right when he told me it was because of the vibe I was giving off. But at the time I was convinced it was because I’m ugly and no one had the least amount of interest in me.

The evening started off okay. I felt awkward from second one, but I chatted lightly with a few people. I’m sure, however, that my social discomfort was showing already. I felt better when MasterDoc and I made out in the corner while two of the guests were serenaded with “Happy Birthday.” I had mentioned that I felt clingy emotionally, and early in the evening it sounded like he and I would get some quality time together, at least for part of the evening. He and I had had some cuddles alone earlier. At one point he took me into a bedroom and we stepped over the people getting it on on the floor and he fingered me to orgasm on the bed. Soon, the couple on the floor were taking over the bed, and as the woman was a pretty, young, firm-bodied blonde I felt soooooo intimidated. I felt like I must look like a sack of shit next to her.

What’s so bizarre is that my sense of attractiveness see-saws like crazy lately. When I did my make up for the evening I felt awesome. Put me around young, hot people I don’t know, and that crumbled. And not everyone there was hot or young. But somehow in my mind I was the ugliest thing on earth.

Things took another wrong turn when I thought perhaps MasterDoc and I were going to really play, but he got distracted setting up the sybian. I truly have grown to fucking hate that machine. It feels amazing to ride, but you try going to party after party with it and sitting around bored and ignored while your Dom gives women rides. I wouldn’t care if people just used it themselves and we merely provided it. But as it gets used at parties now, I HATE that thing.

MasterDoc didn’t mean anything by getting distracted. He has ADD and truly can’t help it most of the time. But in my mental state I just shut down. “Oh this is yet another party where I’m going to be ignored.” When my mood became apparent, MasterDoc focused his attention on me, but then that made me feel like it was just a case of, “Here Nadia, take your vibe, get yourself off while I watch. That will shut you up for the rest of the night.” I could not get into it at all. My view of it was terribly skewed, but arousal was not possible when I felt like such a troll.

Rather than watch the sybian rides and feel bored and left out, I took off on my own. I sat and did stuff on my phone, realizing that if there was any time I was giving off a “Don’t talk to me vibe,” it was probably then. Meanwhile, I would have been thrilled if someone talked to me. A young guy did for a bit. I wasn’t into him and I doubt very much he was into me, but he was at least friendly and nice, so I did my best effort to be chatty and friendly. It was a nice break from sitting alone.

MasterDoc had asked me to check in with him now and then, so I went to the basement and waited until he finished giving a sybian ride, checked in, and then went upstairs. I felt like eating. I mostly stuck to fruit but I had more cake than I should have. I wanted to drown my feelings in food. (Now you see how I got fat in the first place!) I felt so awful about myself, that I didn’t even go for a dip in the pool – and I love swimming. Late in the evening most people were walking around naked or semi-naked and I still had my sun dress on. I felt conspicuous, but I figured I look much better with my clothes on these days. And no one was giving me a second glance.

Yeah, the evening mostly sucked because I was filled with anxiety. What a waste. This morning I could see how I was blowing my body issues out of proportion. Sure, the loose skin is not attractive, but it’s also not as noticeable as I think it is. But around young 20-something women with the perkiest tits this side of the Mississippi, I feel ugly.

One funny point, although I’m not 100% sure that what I thought took place did. I was a bit intoxicated and a few feet away. But some guy started talking to this chubby woman and somehow seemed to think she was the “kinky librarian.” He mentioned seeing the name on the list, and wondering who that was, he wanted to meet her. I think that woman let him believe she was me. And you’d think someone pretending to be me would boost my self-esteem. It was very strange. I was tempted to go over and introduce myself, but then I wasn’t quite sure what went on in that conversation. So, dude, if you’re reading this, I was the mopey, tall brunette who stayed dressed most of the evening.

There was a break in the sybian rides, and MasterDoc and I found a room to be alone in. I got some cuddles, but pointed out that what would have been even better is if he had brought our toy bag along and fucked me silly. He noticed the condoms on the bedside table, and pointed out that we could still have fun without all our accoutrements. He fucked me silly. I was screaming in orgasm. It’s a wonder the whole house didn’t come up to see. He kept me coming and coming and suddenly my body issues melted away while I was enveloped in orgasm. Alas, they came right back after. But he made me feel spectacular, and the sex was the redeeming feature of the evening.

Perving Time, Dear Readers

Published on July 28, 2011 in bdsm, D/s, embarrassment, emotions, forced orgasm, happy, humiliation play, kink, masochism, masturbation, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, piss play, sadism, sex, sex toys, submissive, trust and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Finally, I’m going to write about hot sex! Get your lube and sex toys ready because this could be quite enjoyable. If you’re a perv, that is.

It’s funny how in a long-term relationship things can ebb and flow a bit. For a short while (a matter of weeks really) I felt a bit like I wasn’t quite in sync with MasterDoc sexually. Granted, my “not quite in sync” is still far better sex than most people have. He seemed less domly in nature for a bit, these things happen, but last night he was in an appropriately dominant and nasty mood. And it was like we were never out of sync.

I have a wonderful Dom, he listens when I mention things. I’ve mentioned recently really wanting to be actively touched (I like touching him too, but something about his hands moving over my body is awesome) and he touched me a hell of a lot last night. We had been together on the bed for a short while before his touch was driving me crazy. “That’s it. Think yourself wet,” he said. I could feel my hips bucking as if they were trying to reach for the nearest cock.

He’d stroke my face. He stroked my arms. And soon I was twitching uncontrollably. I can’t recall if he made me come with just words and non-genital touching, or if he decided to fuck me first.

He fucked me on my back, a position that we’ve come to really enjoy now that we’ve both lost some weight. He didn’t put it in right away, he had to tease me by rubbing his cock up and down my pussy. I was so close to verbally begging for his cock. I was already begging for it with my body language. He seemed to tease me much longer than usual. I wanted him so badly! Finally he fucked me, and I was well off on the journey to an orgasm. I tried to be good and hold off coming, but he kept pushing me, fucking me harder. I held out for a while (because, honestly it feels good to linger on the edge for a while), but he pushed me to the point where I couldn’t stop it. He seems to push me a lot lately with orgasms. Him exhausting me by forcing me to orgasm for long periods of time is becoming de rigeur. No, I am not complaining one bit.

I can’t recall if he slapped my face then, but at some point in the evening he slapped my face as I came. Him exerting power over me made me come even harder. I do know that at that point he grabbed onto and cradled my neck as my upper body moved forward during orgasm. It was an amazing feeling to clutch his bicep as that arm held me, him holding me to his chest so that my nose was buried in his chest hair and body scent. It felt like he was so strong and I was so taken care of, and taken over. His cock has been remaining hard lately even against my contracting vaginal muscles. So I get to feel his big cock sliding in and out of me while I come, not just leading up to it. I swear, my head will explode from this one of these days.

We took a break. He told me I could take my collar off, but I asked to keep it on. I was enjoying subspace and wanted to stay there. He let me keep it on, and somehow I managed to slip in a slightly sarcastic joke about how hard MasterDoc’s life is – i.e., He’ll manage somehow as I be subservient and helpful to him.

He watched some of the Yankee game as we both got ourselves desserts. (Yes, Doms can do things for themselves.) After a bit, he asked if I wanted more sex or not. “I’d like more, but I could be just as happy if we didn’t.”

He then gave me the two options of “no more sex tonight” or “I’ll piss on you and then take you into the bedroom and fuck you.” He was a little surprised that I chose the latter. The whole pee thing is such a mixed bunch of emotions for me. I hate the act, it’s terribly humiliating even if it’s just him and I in the bathroom. But I need him to sometimes make me do things he likes and I hate, because in the making me do it, I feel so submissive. The things we do put me into different headspace. It may seem like torture to a regular person, but for me it makes chemicals in my brain do amazing things. I can get such calm, and an almost meditative state from it. And there is a part of me, which despite my laziness and inclination towards egalitarianism outside of D/s, likes to take care of him. To fawn over him a bit. I stood over his bath last night before we fooled around, constantly adjusting the temperature so it would be just how he likes it. I told him I felt like an English butler. And there certainly is overlap in the duties of a submissive and a butler.

But the poor butler doesn’t get fucked to wild orgasms.

Back to our evening. MasterDoc was drinking water and hoping he’d be able to pee soon. I took that time to play games on my phone and generally distract myself from what was going to happen. He lamented, “The tribulations of a Dom! I’m planning to pee on you but then my cock gets hard thinking about it and I can’t pee with a hard cock!” (His life is so rough, I know.) He took me into the bedroom first and fucked me. I was thrilled about that. I love his cock! Plus a part of me hoped it would help him forget the whole peeing on me thing. Needless to say, I came a whole bunch again. He really worked at getting me highly aroused.

After some recovery from the coming – seriously folks, my body was tired - he ordered me into the bathroom. Urgh. I put on the knee pads and sat on the toilet lid waiting for him. I felt like it was diabolically ingenious for him to send me there to wait so I could stare at the tub and know what was going to be done to me shortly in there.

When he came in, he explained that this is the way it would work for the evening – he had put a condom on, he planned to piss in it and rub it against me, and I knew instinctively that he would pour it on me eventually. Or perhaps he mentioned it, I’m not sure. I burned with embarrassment. Just the idea of the humiliation of him rubbing his piss filled condom on me made me turn my head to the wall, quite involuntarily. I felt honest to goodness humiliation. I switched on my siri vibe when he told me to, and started playing with myself.

He started pissing and I closed my eyes as I often do, but he ordered me to look at the condom as he filled it. He rubbed it on my tits, and told me to suck on the condom a bit. Again, more humiliation, plus some disgust. I could smell the piss through the condom and made sure not to suck too hard on it lest it break.

And I suppose the most humiliating thing was the fact that with the help of my vibe (and being highly aroused already from the sex we had) I came when he told me to, and he laughed a bit as I continued to burn with humiliation while coming. He poured the contents of the condom over my breasts. I think he may have pissed directly on me too, but I was too deep in subspace to quite know what was going on.

Immediately after, I felt like a hungover person suddenly opening their eyes to find the aftermath of the party they had last night. You look around, feel confused about where you are for a moment, then things start to come into focus. Aftercare was definitely in order, but there was the little matter of being covered in piss. I showered off, and he met me in the bedroom.

Cuddling led to more orgasms. His touch feels amazing to me. He can make me come so easily. It really is astounding. I feel almost like it’s a magic trick we do. “Abra-cadabra! Watch this lady orgasm from my hand resting on her shoulder!” At some point he said, “I think you’ve had enough young lady,” as I was clearly getting aroused yet again. But I explained him that, indeed, I had had plenty of orgasms and I was just enjoying how wonderful it felt for him to touch me. Reaching an orgasm from it wasn’t the goal, even if I was twitching like I do on the way there.

Victory!

Published on July 26, 2011 in diet, emotions, happy, musings, optimism and Uncategorized. 2 Comments

Considering I haven’t had sex in days, this will be another non-sexual post. But I felt so triumphant earlier that I just have to share.

When I stepped on the Wii balance board tonight to weigh myself, I got to hear the little cartoony voice say, “That’s normal!” for the first time. Now, it’s referring to BMI which I realize is a terribly imperfect measure for individual weight loss. But the fact that I started off in the obese range about a year and a half ago, this feels like such a triumph. I went from a BMI of over 30, to one that’s 24.95. Just barely in the “normal” range, but this is the first time in my adult life I’ve been anywhere near there.

If you had asked me at the outset of this weight loss/lifestyle change if I would reach “normal” and be able to fit into some size 12 items of clothing, and weigh less than 170 lbs. I would have thought it was a lovely dream, but one I would never reach. I’ve reached it. (I’m taller than average, by the way. And I started this journey at a peak weight of 227 lbs.) Holy moly. Now I’m focusing on maintaining my eating habits and keeping up with exercise. I’ll probably lose a little more weight but that’s not my focus now. I’ve actually lost only about 5 lbs. this year, but the exercise is changing how my body looks.

After the weigh in, I switched discs to EA Sports Active, because I’ve been pushing myself with those workouts lately. The change in what I’m capable of doing is amazing. When I first tried it about two years ago, doing one squat was difficult. Now, I’ve set my squats to “hard” (which means it makes me do more of them. Twenty, I think.). My ass hurts, but I suppose it’s the hurt of a future non-flabby ass. I couldn’t do the lunges before without leaning on something for support. Now I can do it just like the animated figure on the screen. I can do the easy runs now, and hopefully I’ll work my way up to the longer ones. My asthmatic lungs need the workout.

Unfortunately this joy is always tempered by the perpetual body issues most women have in this culture of ours. I’m no different. I’m thrilled to be wearing smaller clothes, weighing less, getting compliments on my weight loss, feeling healthier. But I’m also angsty over my now flat and saggy breasts. (They were just saggy before. Hey, at DD cup you can’t help that. Now I’m a D in some bras, still DD in a few.) I hate the extra skin that I’m told could take up to 2 years to tighten up to match my new, thinner body. I love how my arms have started developing some visible muscle, but I still hate the under arm flab – even if it is much smaller than before.

I wish that as a feminist I truly didn’t care about looks. But I still do to a certain extent. Strangely enough I felt more comfortable being naked at a swing club when I was heavier. I suppose that’s because I had come to accept my body. I also think the loose skin is more unattractive than being fat. I remind myself that will change. Be patient. I didn’t lose all that weight at once, and my skin (largest organ of the human body!) will take some time to adjust to such a dramatic change.

But I will savor that moment when the Wii fit told me I was “normal” and I shouted to MasterDoc to come look. I’ve been hovering on that threshold for a while now, and it was awesome to go over it.

What’s Up?

Published on July 25, 2011 in anxiety, depression, emotions, mental illness, musings, stress, trust, Uncategorized and venting. 6 Comments

This post probably won’t be overly sexual, but just my way of blabbing about things on my mind. Hey, it’s been a week since I blogged, at least this is something, ya know?

I’ve been very sad the past day or so as someone I liked a great deal has decided that I’m a liar. This person seems to be suffering from delusions, but as I’m not a medical professional and only know what’s been on their twitter feed, I have no way to know if that’s what’s truly happening. I backed off when things started happening in this person’s life (at first thinking all the stuff was really happening – why would I doubt someone who seemed completely sane? I still suspect that some things this person has asserted really have gone on.) but I would occasionally vaguely mention them in a tweet to indicate that I was a) missing them, b) supportive of whatever was going on, c) worried about them. I hadn’t emailed them in weeks but last Tuesday I sent one. When I didn’t get a response I was left to assume that maybe their email was still compromised in some way.

Let me say as an aside, that my thinking this person is mentally ill is not meant to be a derogatory comment. I suffer from depression. I’m mentally ill. I understand that if someone’s ill it can be hard to see it and impossible to control it. I hope this person gets help – or that I’m wrong about my suspicions of their mental state.

I had backed off reading their twitter because even though I cared about this person I barely knew, I couldn’t do a damn thing and it was really up to them to get in touch with me. I would peek now and then, but wasn’t making sure to read all tweets like I had previously. Imagine my surprise when I looked Sunday morning a few minutes after they had tweeted something directed at me, calling me a liar, saying they don’t think I’m hacked (I never said I was so I don’t know where that came from) and to never email or tweet about them again. Ok. It’s hard to accept that someone I have done nothing wrong to thinks so badly about me, but if someone is mentally ill I don’t think arguing with them would help. So no more tweets, no more emails, and after this one post, no more mention of this person ever. I have no desire to bother someone who doesn’t want to hear from me. I have deliberately kept this explanation vague to give this person as much privacy as possible. I find it strange that they suddenly posted this message to me 6 days after I had last emailed (which was the first time in weeks) and 8 days after I had referred to them on twitter.

But I’m sad. I’m hurt. I’m disappointed. And I can’t do a damn thing but pick up and move on with my life. So I will. If this person happens to read my blog, hey, I’m not a bad person like you think I am but I doubt my saying so will matter. No need to tweet about not blogging about you, I won’t again and I’ve stopped reading your tweets anyway. Good bye and good luck.

___________________________________

So through the sadness I felt as I tried to process this strange turn of events, I reminded myself that I have MasterDoc. At the end of last week depression hit, but considering it was PMDD week, one day of mental illness was quite an improvement over the usual symptoms. (We’ve been playing with my birth control pill regimen – it’s useful to have a Dom who’s a doctor.) MasterDoc happened to be spending a night and morning with a playmate of his, and knowing he was going to the beach with her after I hadn’t seen him in a couple of days, and wouldn’t see him for a few days after just fueled my depression. When my mind goes wonky like that, I find things to obsess over. I focused on, “But he’s my Dom, he’s supposed to take care of me!”

Thankfully, I recognized the depression and I didn’t get angry with MasterDoc (not for long anyway and not when he was home). When he got home that afternoon I was happy to see him, got myself some cuddles and found out that he had in fact been concerned that going to the beach on the last day of my premenstrual issues was not a good idea. But hey, I survived. And spending time with him for the rest of that day was wonderful. It’s wonderful that I opted to shake off negative feelings towards him, and just bask in his affection. My mood improved greatly and my mood evened out enough to make it possible for me to get through the weekend alone without too much angst. (Except the section above.)

I also have fond memories of having sex with him earlier last week. The bond we feel and the way we both know how to touch each other so that the other person twitches with arousal is pretty amazing. Lately I had been having some insecurity thing about him not desiring me any more. That insecurity was mostly squashed after that night with him.

So I’m my usual ball of angst but I’m mostly keeping it in perspective. Time to get back on track with diet and exercise (during the heatwave we had this week I mostly didn’t exercise. The one time I did I thought I’d fall over and pass out with all the sweat I was losing despite being right in front of the air conditioner!), and focusing on the things I can change in life.

Intensity

Published on July 18, 2011 in anxiety, bdsm, caning, D/s, dom, forced orgasm, kink, masochism, masturbation, orgasm on command, restraints, sadism, sex, shio, spanking, squirting, sub drop, submissive and Uncategorized. 1 Comment

I feel bad that I haven’t covered the hot sex I have with MasterDoc as often lately on this blog. It’s noteworthy sex, but I’m feeling so lazy about blogging (or just plain busy) that I often don’t get to it. I have notes to work from about a hot encounter last week, and I’m sure memories of more recent scenes will pop in. This post may be a conglomeration of various times rather than a straight narrative.

From early last week, I remember the endless twitching of my body as he touched me. I’m so sensitive to his touch that my body reacts even if my mind hasn’t caught up yet. The twitches have become involuntary muscle movements. He sucked on a nipple as I diddled myself to orgasm. (Remembering this makes me want to go diddle myself now.)

He fucked me next, taking a moment to slap my pussy with his cock. My sensitive clit loved this. He fucked me til I came, which doesn’t take long. I was in another world and even ceased to be aware of the fact that I was being fucked while on my back – I was so disoriented with orgasm. He kept hard and kept fucking me while I came. When my pussy pushed his cock out, he slapped my pussy with it again. This caused me to squirt and could feel a splash as he slapped his cock against my pussy right before fucking me again. Getting a rain shower of one’s own come is certainly something different.

I was already worn out from exercise and now the orgasms. Orgasming like that is a very intense experience. I lost touch with all around me, and all I knew is that I came. That, and I was exhausted. Next he had me on all fours playing with myself with vibe while he caned me, hitting pretty hard. I had put the canes out myself, so I was delighted that he used them. I thought how hot it was to take pain for him. I can’t always manage to eroticize pain, but it’s awesome when I do. Taking pain became a deeply submissive act for me. I came as he alternated caning, hand slaps, and playing with my pussy.

He spanked, paddled and caned me again yesterday. MasterDoc pushed my limits and I even felt some fear – as he’d touch me gently, I’d remain tense worried that he’d hit me again. And often he did. Somehow I enjoy that fear in small amounts. He hasn’t instilled as much fear in me lately and to be honest I missed it. (Note that this is fear with someone I trust and know won’t ultimately damage me.) The scene was fantastically intense, and he hovered over my body as he made me come, and put some pressure on my throat. I have anxieties about being unable to breathe, so my brain read things as even more intense than they were. (I truly panicked that he would make me pass out, something which, while I trust him to be careful and take care of me, makes me downright phobic. He wasn’t holding my throat in such a way as to make that possible. But a part of me wants to let him go that far, like it would be a good experience to finally truly let go of control like that.) The spanking yesterday left my ass sore for a while. I wasn’t sure I could handle the pain he was dishing out, but as always I was just fine after the pain stopped. (Something I’ve been learning while doing bdsm, pain can be difficult to stand acutely, but I will return to normal as soon as it stops, and I can stand what he dishes out even if I think I can’t at the time. The fact that I always bounce back makes me feel strong, rather than weak.)

I needed a lot of aftercare after such an intense scene, but I had really needed him to be stern and Dominant with me. I felt thankful to him for giving me exactly what I needed. Cuddles helped my heightened awareness come back down to normal. The fear during the scene is one thing, it continuing after would be a problem.

Back to the other day. In the latest of his trying out unusual ways to make me orgasm, he commented that it would be interesting to make me come from pulling on my pinky finger. I said pretty much anything would work with him. I was beyond exhausted at this point. But as he ran his fingers slowly down my arm, I focused on the sensation and felt my arousal climb as his hand descended. As he massaged my pinky I came. It was diabolical how he could make me come again, quite hard, despite exhaustion, and without touching any body part traditionally considered an erogenous zone. Yesterday he did the same thing, making me come when I thought we were all over and I didn’t have the energy in me to keep going.

I hope you’re all lucky enough to have a partner who makes you come til you can’t come anymore.

Over the past week there was also some light bondage (wrists, blindfold, duct tape across mouth) as he made me come, and also I helped him come a gallon.

Hogtied

Published on July 12, 2011 in bdsm, bisexuality, blow jobs, bondage, D/s, forced orgasm, kink, lesbian, masochism, non-monogamy, restraints, sadism, sex, sex toys, shio, squirting, submissive, sybian, threesome and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Since medical play turned out to not be my thing at all, Blondie and MasterDoc planned a different role-play scene when the three of us got together last Tuesday night.

A kidnap scene was planned. Although when I say planned, I’m not sure there was a solid plan. Blondie had planned to overpower me as soon as she got to MasterDoc’s, but the surprise was a bit ruined by my coming to the door to greet her. She did cuff me immediately with actual handcuffs (I only have play ones that have a safety latch). The role play didn’t have the feeling of menace that I would hope for a kidnap scene to have. It’s a shame because one of my earliest kinky fantasies involved getting kidnapped and tied up. But I think the dynamic so far with the three of us is more lighthearted than serious.

I suggested going into the bedroom since the bed was set up, but Blondie insisted on doing a hogtie on the living room floor. She started with a chest harness type thing in rope with my hands behind my back, followed by my laying on my tummy for the rest of the hogtie. As she worked the rope, MasterDoc did things like grab me by the hair and put his foot on my head as I lay helpless on the floor. The story Blondie had worked out was that I was kidnapped to be a sex slave. I was told if I didn’t cooperate I’d be sold to a yakuza.

MasterDoc prodded my exposed pussy with his toe. Unfortunately I’m still a little too inflexible in my quads to remain in the position for too long, also the pain of my stretched muscles was too much to allow me to get aroused properly. I knew that I risked discomfort with trying rope bondage, and I ultimately knew that a hogtie would be a very difficult position for me to remain in, but I figured it was worth a try. I rode it out for a little bit but when I couldn’t ignore the pain I had to ask to be untied.

We moved to the bedroom, my arms still tied behind back. Blondie kept going with the storyline and I can’t recall why, but she had MasterDoc get a banana. I think it was because I had to be trained to take it in my mouth. As Blondie held the banana to my mouth, I licked and sucked it, and that was pretty hot. After a few moments of this, she straddled me, using the banana as a cock and I sucked her “cock.” That was pretty damn hot as well. My hands got re-secured in front, as I had a hard time laying on my arms. (I make for such a fussy kidnap-ee.)

Blondie took to my pussy. She seemed to go for as much depth as possible right away. I kept telling her it hurt, but I don’t think she knows my reactions enough to realize that I really needed some sort of warming up – such as an orgasm before she went for stretching my vaginal muscles out to ultimately fit her hand in. MasterDoc thought to add the magic wand to my clit and that was helpful while it lasted. I needed warm up desperately. I just couldn’t get there.

Eventually, with the help of the magic wand, Blondie worked four fingers into my cunt up to the base knuckle. She was going for a fisting, something which I had never experienced. The discomfort from the stretching was enough with the four fingers and we didn’t get to her whole hand. But I came from the combination of vibe on the clit and her hand probing my insides. (And coming helped relax the muscles and she could get fingers in deeper with little to no pain.)

I came like crazy and and squirted like crazy. The whole room smelled of my musky squirt afterwards, and the throe was soaked. After Blondie fucked me with her fingers, MasterDoc fucked me with his cock, and again I came.

Next, it was Blondie’s turn. (We abandoned the role play by then.) She hadn’t had a sybian ride in a while and MasterDoc had gotten a new, even larger attachment. She was totally game for it. I started warming her up, first with touching and making out, then playing with her pussy. MasterDoc joined in and she was soon ready.

She eased herself onto the large dildo attachment and MasterDoc sat in front of her to run the controls. I spanked her ass lightly, and just generally groped and touched her. At some point he and I traded places, but he kept running the controls of the machine. I let her lean on me and I kept trying to keep my ear away from her mouth as she gets incredibly loud when aroused! When she seemed close to orgasm, I lifted the front part of the silicone attachment and pressed it to her clit so the vibrations might be more intense. This seemed to work well.

It was getting late, and Blondie packed up her rope to head home. I said, “Thanks for coming, I had a great time.”

She said, “Oh don’t be so formal! For goodness sake we just fucked!” At this, I hugged and kissed her goodbye.

July 4th Weekend

Published on July 5, 2011 in anal, bdsm, blow jobs, cunnilingus, cunt, D/s, drunk, exhibitionism, forced orgasm, masochism, masturbation, non-monogamy, orgasm on command, sex, sex parties, shio, slut, squirting, submissive, swinging, the wrestler and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Yup, I’m the lame-ass sex blogger who keeps finding it hard to sit down and write. I’ve had adventures this past weekend and only now I’m sitting down to record it. The details are probably fuzzy, but I hope I’ll still manage to convey the fireworks I enjoyed – all of them indoors.

Sunday night I enjoyed a purely sexual, purely casual encounter. The wrestler came over for our first encounter without MasterDoc. MasterDoc was supposed to go out with DeeDee for the evening but they both stayed home after all so they were off in the living room while I was getting it on. I reveled in having a guy come over for hot fucking but without any other sort of relationship attached. (Don’t get me wrong, relationship sex is awesome too. This is just enjoyable for its own sake.) He’s still damn hot. I mentioned our sex toys as we went into the bedroom, he said, “I don’t need sex toys. I use my body, my hands, those are my sex toys.” Rawr.

We got naked and he quickly had me pinned to the bed. This simple act is enough to get me hot. I let him know that MasterDoc decided he didn’t want the wrestler spitting on me (something he did last time without negotiating, I enjoyed it but certainly MasterDoc’s directions on this will be followed). He grumbled a little, but he heeded the request.

He does a phenomenal job just taking me – the kind of sex I so often fantasize about. He straddled my chest and I flicked my tongue over his balls when they got near. I love playing with someone who likes that I’m a dirty slut. I lapped at his balls and cock. He uses his body to keep me still (not that I’m trying to get away, mind you) while doing nasty things to me. He wrapped his legs around one of mine and fingered me to orgasm over and over again. If I believed in god I’d thank it for such an awesome ability to orgasm.

He fucked me from behind and pretty much climbed on top of me. He pushes his cock in as far as it will go, and as he’s lean that’s pretty much to the base. I joked afterward that I didn’t know why I was so tired, all I did was lie there and orgasm. He fucked me from on top, pinning my arms down with his and my legs with his. It is quite an experience.

We took a break since it was hot and, well, he had certainly been exerting himself. We chatted a bit, kinda awkward with someone you don’t really know and don’t intend to have a relationship with. But sex often requires a bit of a rest break. (The kind I have does anyway.) During the break he thanked me for the “very flattering” post on him last time.

Then he said, “Ok, enough of this, why don’t you come over here and suck my cock.” Oh yeah.

There was lots of gagging, lots of rough stuff. At one point, I could feel the bile rise from my stomach as he kept his cock thrust down my throat and I gagged. I felt all subby. It’s nice to experience such physical, rough sex since not everyone is in shape for it. (Heh, I told the wrestler that it’s good I didn’t meet him 60 lbs ago – I don’t think I would have been able to handle the pounding.) He fucked me up the ass, plowing into me like no one has before. Jesus. It felt great but I kept worrying that I’d end up with a perforated bowel. (Ok, not really but the thought entered my mind.) I was body sore the next day like I often am from exercising. I know it’s from such physical sex Sunday night. My back was a bit sore, and for next time I need to tell him to be careful with my wrist since it’s been finicky since I sprained it a while back.

But it was fun. And I came so hard and for so long that I couldn’t help but shake the depression that had been hounding me all weekend.

The night before that, Saturday, I went out to the swing club with MasterDoc for the first time in a while. I had mixed feelings about going out. I had only just complained to him that it had been a while since we went out, (we stayed in the night before) but then I was struggling with a depression that made me a bit antisocial. Also, Saturday nights at the club are couples only (and single women, there actually was one there!) so I was concerned that I’d just feel like the lure to get MasterDoc pussy. (And he’d say, “What’s wrong with that?” He thinks it’s my duty as his sub to get him pussy. I am just not good at that sort of thing. Any other subs reading this responsible for helping get pussy (or cock) for your Dom?)

Despite my earlier mood, I managed to be fairly social. (Alcohol helped.) We chatted with a cute, young Australian couple, and then a sexy Colombian woman we had met at a private party a few years back. (I didn’t recognize her at first, but she remembered MasterDoc having the sybian!) Everyone was nice and friendly, but but no one seemed particularly interested in us. I was chatty and complimented MasterDoc often, but it didn’t help ultimately. Elusive Pussy 1, Nadia 0.

I convinced MasterDoc to go make our own fun. I was so horny by this point. Dancing and moving my body to salsa plus the alcohol in my bloodstream led me to rub my ass up against MasterDoc’s crotch. He took me into the room with the large bed and fucked me hard after I lavished oral love on his cock. A new couple came in and fucked nearby, enjoying themselves but mostly the guy was enjoying watching me. I came screaming and squirted all over the bed. After, MasterDoc went to bathroom telling me, “Don’t get into trouble while I’m gone young lady.” The couple moved over to the bed and I apologized for the wet spot. The woman said, “Oh it’s okay it just means you were enjoying yourself!” as they found a dry spot. I was still naked and I figured playing with myself wasn’t getting into trouble. The guy of the couple was digging it. When MasterDoc returned he made me squirt again via his tongue and fingers since the guy was eager to see it. Alas, the couple left because they were getting pelted with my squirt as I came and MasterDoc slapped my pussy. They didn’t seem offended by it, they just understandably didn’t want to get sprayed with a stranger’s bodily fluids.

Having had just a little too much to drink, I rested on a sofa while MasterDoc went off “perving.” (Seeing what else was going on in the club.) That couple from the bedroom showed up again. She was an enthusiastically sexual Latina and he was a very fit black guy. Dude was eager to see my pussy again, and he gently spread my legs while MasterDoc was there. Rowr. He played with my pussy for a bit while his girl sucked him off. Since it was getting late, I had to excuse myself and go use the bathroom before we headed out. But when I came back MasterDoc was fingering the Latina while she went down on her boyfriend. I made my pussy available again to try to “be a good submissive” and help prolong MasterDoc’s play. He decided to stop after a few moments since it was so late.

We got home 4 am and I crashed hard. But I had enjoyed myself thoroughly.

Review: QueerPorn.tv & NoFauxxx.com

Published on July 4, 2011 in bdsm, bisexuality, Feminism, lesbian, porn, reviews, sex and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

I first heard about queerporn.tv while at one of the last In the Flesh readings here in NYC. Tina Horn was there passing out stickers with the web address and talking up the not-yet-launched site. (Note: I would gladly fuck Tina Horn. She’s a damn cute and sexy dyke. Rowr. But I was there with Blondie and thought flirting would be inappropriate. She didn’t seem particularly interested in me anyway.)

Months later, on formspring I answered a question about “Who would play you in a porn of your life?” I was at a loss to answer since so many mainstream porn actresses look nothing like me other than they’re white. After my non-answer showed up on twitter, sex educator and blogger @ShannaKatz helpfully suggested Jolene Parton (@jolenestarshine), Courtney Trouble (@courtneytrouble) or April Flores (@fatty_d). I was familiar with April, but didn’t feel she looks like me, I was less familiar with Courtney and hadn’t heard of Jolene. After Courtney saw her name tweeted, she replied and soon I got set up with a free month each for two hot queer porn sites she’s appeared on/involved with. (Jolene replied too. Nice ladies. Even though I’m far less chubby than I used to be, I think Courtney could do an excellent job being me in a porn.)

QueerPorn.tv was launched several months ago. I like how “queer porn” is so inclusive – even if they include a M/F porn video, it’s still queer because the performers are queer and don’t necessarily fit society’s ideal for gender expression, body type, or binary sexual/gender orientations, etc.

I first watched a little of Sophia St.James and Quinn Valentine. Where else are you going to see a large, voluptous, sexy, dark skinned lady with a skinny white queer boy. It was hot. I love how gloves and lube featured just like they’d be used in real life – a big deal wasn’t made, they were just used. I like how some porn sites (like the two I’m talking about today, or kink.com’s many sites) put safer sex in the film and are therefore a good role model for the sluts of the world. If you have your safer sex supplies set out before you start fucking, it’s barely a blip to take a moment to don gloves or a condom. Quinn got his ass played with and it reminded me of the reactions you can get from stroking a man’s prostate. Rowr.

I felt like I really hit gold with the video of Courtney Trouble and Scout. I watched the whole thing, hand wandering into my shorts. I like porn that features real sex, not simulated moans and orgasms. The sex between Courtney and Scout was impulsive, loaded with slaps, smiles, laughs, and orgasms. I liked that both of them enjoyed slapping and punching the other. Being in a strictly D/s situation I can forget that partners can BOTH like a little pain or roughness. The video featured everything from fingering Courtney’s juicy cunt to Courtney sucking and choking on Scout’s glitter cock. I got to see Courtney fucked with the substantial Njoy Eleven, and Scout went down on it as it was in Courtney’s cunt. There was lots of spit and mutual slapping. And Scout fucked Courtney but good with their cock a few times. (The site uses gender-neutral words for Scout, I’m trying to keep that up here out of respect for the performer.) I love a good fucking with hair pulling. You can see the trailer below.

I definitely suggest checking out QueerPorn.tv’s manifesto. It’s awesome. (As is nofauxxx.com’s mission statement.)

NoFauxxx.com is the older of the two sites, serving up quality queer porn since 2002.

There’s loads of video and photo sets here. (Found one with Audacia Ray when she was a “professional naked lady”, as I think she puts it.) I watched April Flores and Dylan Ryan in Girl Lust. It was a hot femme/femme scene with April calling up a service for a leggy brunette and Dylan showing up. I think I’ve seen Dylan Ryan in mostly non-explicitly femme roles, so seeing Dylan as a femme was different. I watched them take turns making the other come using the Njoy Eleven. This was so. fucking. hot. Dylan squirted at the end and it was cute when April held up a silver tray to catch it.

These sites make me want to do queer porn myself. You can sample NoFauxxx.com for 5 days (for $9.99) or 15 days (for $16.99). There’s a few bulk pricing options so you may want to look at that to see what length of time would suit you best. QueerPorn.tv has fewer options, probably as it’s still fairly new and picking up steam. Looks like you can expect to pay about $29.99 a month for QueerPorn.tv.

Vignette with MasterDoc

Published on July 4, 2011 in bdsm, blow jobs, cunt, D/s, forced orgasm, happy, kink, masochism, sadism, sex, spanking and Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Tuesday night.

I played with his cock with my hands. He loves my touch. I sucked his cock and loved it.

He graced me with a spanking. It was the first one in a long time. He used just his bare hands and I had to breathe through the pain, but mostly I enjoyed it. It still surprises me how a good spanking (this time with just his bare hand) can leave me feeling so calmed. My ass must have been so red afterward. He’d pause and I think he stroked his cock in between showers of spanks. It was delicious.

As he fucked me from behind, he called me his piece of meat, which I totally got off on. He made me come over and over. (Sound familiar?) He shoved his cock back in to my convulsing cunt when it slipped out. My body was sore all over by the time we were done: hips from bearing the pounding, shoulders from leaning forward onto my arms.

(I promise a more thorough blog entry will come.)