The day after the events of the last entry, MasterDoc and I talked (and cuddled) at length and it became clear that he not only needs to be able to ensure I’m physically safe, he also needs to gauge my mental sense of safety. My feeling triggered was a bad place for me to be in while out at a club, and in the future if I get that way it’s probably best if strangers don’t touch me – only MasterDoc or DeeDee. I appreciate how he continuously tries to figure out how to best take care of me. We don’t expect perfection in each other, but we work together to each improve how well we take care of the other. I don’t think you can ask for a better sort of relationship than that.
Monthly Archive for July, 2010
Page 2 of 2
I went out to a party with MasterDoc and DeeDee Saturday night. I wasn’t entirely in the mood to go out, but I figured I could get myself in the mood. I put on some music as I got ready (Culture Club! I’m a total child of the 80′s.) and I perked up. The host of the party was the same guy who lent MasterDoc his paddle recently and his parties have always been good. We got there, to a space we’ve never been to, and my first impression was that the crowd was some how “dodgy” compared even to the usual swing club crowd. There seemed to be a whiff of desperation in the air much greater than usual. This could have been merely my perception, it’s hard to tell, but it set me up for feeling uncomfortable and unsafe. I told MasterDoc my impression, and DeeDee mostly agreed with the impression. But we wandered around and I stuck with them.
Taking a break on a bed, DeeDee was raring to go and while MasterDoc kissed me on one side, he reached back with a hand and played with DeeDee’s pussy. She came pretty fast and it’s impressive how quickly she gets worked up these days. I wasn’t comfortable enough yet so I was glad to snuggle a bit. I took my top off, to reveal the top half of the lacy, meshy slip I had borrowed from DeeDee to wear but I left my sarong on the bottom half. DeeDee is a few inches shorter than me, so a slip that’s short on her is practically non-existent on me. I could scarcely pull it down enough to go over my ass. Most women weren’t dressed too scantily, and this made me feel even more self-conscious. MasterDoc had me suck his cock while DeeDee cuddled with him, and I enjoyed making him twitch with my mouth. He had us change places a few moments later, and he and I kissed and cuddled while DeeDee made him twitch. The bed was uncomfortable – it was pretty much a leather (or pleather more likely) flat couch and it sunk in the section I sat on.
We got up and looked around some more, we ran into the party host and he showed us around. There were many “voyeur” or “peeping Tom” windows to the rooms, where viewers could pull back a curtain from the outside and watch what was going on in the room. This suited our sensibilities. But the lighting was exceptionally low for the most part. We got drinks and a nibble to eat, and MasterDoc sat us down in a well-lit and well-traveled area. A couple who had asked about our big For Your Nymphomation bag of toys, came over and MasterDoc gave them a tour of the inside of our toychest. I could tell MasterDoc was flirting with the woman, and she was rather cute. The guy didn’t thrill me and I didn’t really want to end up doing anything with him, but I knew that to help MasterDoc along I was going to be expected to.
As MasterDoc finished the toychest tour and went back to eating, I found myself sitting between him and DeeDee. They had me take off my sarong, so I was barely clad in the slip. (It’s black, lace underwire cups, mesh body and wide lace trim at the bottom.) I felt really self conscious for some reason last night. I still didn’t feel comfortable with the people there. And to be exposed in such a heavily traveled and well-lit area made me feel anxious. (MasterDoc later told me that he chose that place because it would be easy to keep control over what was happening. Too bad it didn’t feel like that to me.) He put my leg over his, so that my legs were partly spread. DeeDee did the same with my other leg. I felt anxious and so I requested the blindfold out of the bag. Some onlookers commented on how we had everything in that bag, but by blocking my sight I was able to block the onlookers out to an extent. MasterDoc toyed with me, and I had a hard time getting into it, but I tried my best. I was able to relax enough to enjoy his toying with my body, and he made me come hard in front of all those people. I squirted a couple of times on the vinyl bench and I worried that it would seep under my raised thigh and soak MasterDoc’s pants. He made me come for a long period of time and I came close several times to begging him to let me rest.
We cleaned up the bench with baby wipes after I was done. My ass was kept damp by the slip having gotten wet at the back. Luckily it was mesh so it wasn’t too uncomfortable to walk around in, in that respect. A guy who had been nearby watching with two women followed us over to the food table and he complimented me on the show. He was clearly interested, and he didn’t seem too bad – i.e., he didn’t trigger my sense of feeling unsafe. Maybe I was relaxing a bit. I needed to sit down, and MasterDoc found me a chair in the hallway. The couple from earlier came over and they were clearly interested in playing. The guy started getting close to me, and I could tell MasterDoc saw him stroking my shoulders and then gradually moving to my breasts. I wasn’t thrilled with the guy, but I was still just aroused enough that I could close my eyes and enjoy the feeling (forgetting who was doing it). MasterDoc joined in caressing me. The five of us went off to a room, the guy in the couple seemed quite uncomfortable with having an audience. MasterDoc explained how much we enjoy an audience. We closed the door to the room, so that only the guys peering through the perv window could see us.
DeeDee and MasterDoc talked about how not only is it his skills that gets him women, but also he has found very responsive women. He had DeeDee lay down and he brought her to orgasm quickly as a demonstration. The guy was turned on and asked if he could eat her out and he did so for a bit. DeeDee came again. The guy kept playing with her pussy and stroking her thighs and she had to beg for a break. (MasterDoc had to remind him a few times to stop touching her so she could rest.) He then reached to play with my pussy. I wasn’t interested or particularly comfortable, but I knew that MasterDoc wanted me to go along with things (although I felt unclear on the extent). My pussy wasn’t really wet enough but the toy bag with the lube was out of reach. The guy sat on the arm of the sofa next to me, and opened his jeans His lady sucked his cock and I felt a sense of relief to just watch, but he groped me as well and I sort of silently put up with it.
This is sad isn’t it? I was totally not into it and it was a little like when I was raped – I felt the activity was inevitable and so I quietly acquiesced and reminded myself it would soon be over. I tolerated it rather than enjoying it. Positions shifted and soon MasterDoc was playing with the lady’s pussy while she bent over and sucked her guy’s cock. The guy tried to go down on me but couldn’t get in a good position, so he played with my somewhat dry clit instead. I thought his skills were pretty dreadful. He beckoned DeeDee over and wanted her to suck his cock, she told him she doesn’t do that. He kept caressing her and I alternately and I worried that MasterDoc wasn’t watching. He was more than likely was keeping on top of his Domly duties and making sure I wasn’t being harmed, but I was feeling so unsafe that night that if he wasn’t looking in the direction of what was happening to my body, I felt like he wasn’t watching. (When we spoke later he assured me that he was in control of the situation.) While all this was going on, assholes kept opening the door to the room and not going away when we motioned for them to leave. It added to my sense of being unsettled and unsafe and I felt like the crowd was rude and pushy. I also got the sense that they were extremely straight and extremely vanilla. The guy in the couple, being uncomfortable with the crowd, ended up leaving with the lady after exchanging phone numbers with MasterDoc.
After they left, we closed the door again and MasterDoc attended to me. He went down on me, and I just kept feeling so unsafe in that environment that I couldn’t let go and enjoy myself. He tried placing pressure on my inner pelvis, but it just came across as uncomfortable. When it was clear I couldn’t relax, he came up and talked to me. I explained that I was fearful of being assaulted (and I know this wasn’t particularly rational, but I had images of aggressive guys forcing themselves on me while MasterDoc got pushed to the other end of the room by the sea of bodies). I was so clearly freaked out that MasterDoc decided we should go home.
I needed to use the bathroom before we left, and DeeDee went with me since she knew the door didn’t lock. She stood outside, looking formidable and Dommely with my riding crop. This helped a great deal. Ultimately, I felt uncomfortable enough (and somehow triggered enough) that anyone I didn’t know touching me was likely to freak me out. I had tried conveying my level of freaked outness to MasterDoc but I’m not sure I managed to do it adequately. He was keeping control of the situation from his perspective, but I felt very much like things were out of control – particularly out of my control. Some days I just can’t feel ok about “You will fuck whoever I tell you to.” When I’m in the right mindset it can be hot to be his whore and used by others at his discretion, however in the wrong mindset it feels like assault. I felt withdrawn and unhappy well into Sunday.
Monday afternoon MasterDoc and I got some time alone, and I’m really happy to say he listened to my wishes for using bondage. *happy dance* He had me lay on the bed and he secured my wrists and ankles with the underbed restraints. I was so turned on by being restrained. No, seriously. The simple act of being bound made me hot. This is why I’ve been begging for bondage. MasterDoc teased me with his mouth. He crawled up beside me and teased me with his fingers. He sucked hard on my breasts until the pain made me moan. He got me incredibly worked up and then left me there.
I lay in the bedroom alone and bound for what felt like several minutes. Instead of letting my mind wander and get impatient, I focused on how helpless I was. I would pull against the restraints gently to remind myself that I couldn’t get up and this alone was enough to get me moaning and horny. I love fantasizing about MasterDoc being all-powerful and me being helpless. (I can haz more pls?)
When he returned, he had an ice cube in a baggie. He knows I hate ice/being cold. But in this situation it turned me on even more because he was free to do something to me I don’t like. Yes, the helplessness again. He iced my nipple until the cold began to hurt. He followed up with the ice on my clit – again there was pain after a while but this turned me on. He worked me up and over until he shoved the ice in my pussy and made me come. Fuck. Being tormented never felt so good.
He undid one of my wrists after that, and cuddled with me a bit. He told me to undo my other wrist and while my ankles were still bound he made me come again. I was in heaven.
We took a break and fixed dinner right after this, and he said something teasingly mean in the kitchen. I told him, “You’re mean!” but a few seconds later I sheepishly admitted, “And it turns me on a lot when you’re mean.”
After dinner we sat on the sofa and looked through Kink Academy’s scene starter/humiliation cards. Most of the humiliation term ideas were over the top for us, but it was good for a laugh. As MasterDoc read from the cards, he came across “porn addicted masturbator.” In perfect deadpan he said, “No, that’s me,” and moved on to the next card. He found one insult that he thought suited DeeDee (especially since she was out with one of our friends fucking a friend of this friend). “Nasty greedy raunchy dirty whore” He couldn’t wait to share that with her when she got home. He also liked “semen swasher” and “troublesome tart.” (I like that one too. And, well, sometimes it fits me.)
He gave me a bit of a hard time about wanting more sex, but I protested that I didn’t think I asked for too much. I was surprised he gave me a hard time, because it was implied earlier that we’d get up to more. He took me back in the bedroom and fucked me from behind. I loved being used as his slut. I was in such a subby mindset that I kept envisioning me as just a whore with a hole for him to take his pleasure from. God that’s hot. He fucked me well twice and made me come hard, squirting all over. My vaginal muscles didn’t push him out right away, so he kept pounding me while I came. I was screaming for what seemed to be many minutes (but I have no idea how long it actually was). I hope the neighbors didn’t worry about the screaming.
Photo courtesy of Elle from Kink Unleashed
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~ Featured Posts (Lilly’s Pick) ~
Why Pride is Still Important – When someone tells me that they don’t think Pride is necessary, I can’t help but believe that they go through life with tunnel vision. I live in New York where for the most part I can walk around being a big ol’ queen and I’ll make it home alive, but there are people who live in places where they can’t. Even here in New York you’ll get called a faggot from time to time by passing cars or groups of punks, and even here in New York I hear stories of people getting the shit kicked out of them just because they were gay.
Fantasies and Condoms – Our culture has created a narrative in which sex only feels good and looks sexy if no one is protected. We’re all suffering from this narrative, but sex workers are probably suffering the most.
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See also: Pleasurists #83 and #84 for all your sex toy review needs.
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Kink & Fetish
Danger may explode without warning
Found It: Pearls for the Submissive Wife
Spanking my ass while fucking so he feels every wiggle
Submission is impossible in the absence of humanity
Erotic Writing
Fucking Mika for the first time
Good Things Come To Those Who Wait
Microfantasy Monday, week 84: Addiction
Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships
Erotic Awakening: A Swinger’s Comments
Friends With Benefits His Lush Behind!
Getting Started – Hotel Parties
Greetings From The Deep End – Swinging and Openness
Play Safe. Stay Safe. Get Tested. Be Protected.
Political Cuddling: Asking, Talking, Touching
Something I Wish I’d Had 10 Years Ago
Sex: A required part of the college curriculum
Ten Life Lessons I’m Learning from Enslavement
Sex News, Interviews, Politics and Humor
Interview with Scarlett Chaos aka Essin’Em
I’ve found that even when you initiate a break up with someone, it can still be terribly painful and sad. I was with Davey for 5.5 years – the longest relationship I’ve ever had. A few weeks ago I drew things to a close.
Part of me is bewildered at what I’ve done. I love him, I do, but romantically things had fizzled out for me. I never discussed it on here because I didn’t think it would be fair to Davey. As it is, he stopped reading my blog when it became too painful to read about the sex I was having with other people, but not him. I think it’s especially sad when you love someone and want them to be important in your life, but you decide you’d rather be friends than lovers.
Of course, all this is doubly painful for Davey because his feelings for me didn’t change.
He told me last night that he plans to move out. I now need to move or find a roommate. We were planning to go on a cruise together in September but I doubt that’s happening now. I want to remain close friends with him but only time will tell if we manage that.
I’ve come to realize, or at least believe for now, that for me emotionally I’m fairly monogamous (but non-monogamous physically and affectionately). I can care about, have affection for, lust after multiple people. But when I fell in love with MasterDoc it became harder for me to stay romantically involved with Davey. I see this as my own shortcoming, and if there’s any blame to be placed for this breakup it’s with me, definitely. I pulled away from him. I lost interest in sex. And the whole time I felt horrible guilt over this. Davey is a wonderful guy. Truly. He is one of the best. He has always treated me really well and we’ve had so much fun together. I’m hoping we can maintain a friendship because I love spending time with him. We both love travel and dining out and these are things I don’t get to do with MasterDoc often. Davey and I like a lot of the same music.
It took me a long time to work out if this was the right decision, because in so many ways being with Davey is wonderful. But I ultimately felt that if I wasn’t going to have sex with him or I didn’t feel romantic towards him then it was unfair to hang on just for my benefit. Luckily, he has other girlfriends he sees regularly, so I hope that being poly will help soften the blow for him. I can understand this being hard for him, however, as for many years I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. But things change sometimes.










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