Why The Lesbian Sheep Dance?

The other day MasterDoc asked me if, when it comes to dating women, I sabotage myself. I had to say yes, I think I do but of course figuring out why is much harder.

I do wonder if I have some deeply internalized homophobia going on – as in, being gay is just fine but oooh I’d be a bad person if I did it. Perhaps my upbringing in a Catholic family (albeit rather lapsed), in the suburbs (where people tend to conform even more), during the 80′s (you never saw openly gay kids in high school back then – at least not in the burbs where I was, and blatant homophobia was rampant) all contributed to this state of affairs. My grandmother, who I grew up in the house with, would have flipped out over my brother being gay or me being bi. She was deeply distressed back when Rosie O’Donnell came out. She liked Rosie and was bewildered to find that she’s “a gay.” I pointed out to her that she was still the same exact person she enjoyed watching on tv before, only now she knew more about her private life than before.

My grandmother passed away in 2002, and while I was out to myself as bi (and had had sex with women by then) I was totally closeted as far as my family was concerned. I’m still not out to my dad. My brother only came out as gay around 2006 (he’s much younger than me, he was around 23 at the time). My father, who I was always close to, is deeply uncomfortable with homosexuality. He’s a 62-year-old man who grew up in a Catholic family during an era when homosexuality was truly vilified (hey, he grew up in New York pre-Stonewall). In so many ways my dad is a spectacular guy – but he cannot seem to get it into his head that homosexuality is not a choice, does not do bad things to your soul, and ultimately is a natural part of the world. He would never be mean or antagonistic towards someone he knew was gay, but he would be deeply uncomfortable.

Since I’ve been closer to my dad than my mom, it’s not surprising that after my brother came out I came out to my mother – because frankly I could give a shit if she didn’t like it. But I’m really afraid of disappointing my father. Already, he’s struggling with the whole poly thing and he hasn’t even met MasterDoc yet (and has no idea he’s much older than me). Imagine if I threw a girlfriend into the mix?

My mother was totally accepting of both my brother and I – though I don’t think she quite “gets” that poly is an ongoing thing and not just something you do until you settle down. Her family was far more liberal than my father’s ever was. (The aforementioned grandmother who I grew up with was dad’s mom.) And while my brother is gay and open-minded in some ways, he does identify still as Roman Catholic (says his Facebook page) and *shudder* republican. Being the way out left liberal that I am kinda makes me the black sheep of my immediate family. They’re largely used to and embracing of how “unique” I am, but there’s still some things best not discussed around family. I’m used to keeping parts of myself and my life secret from them.

So do I sabotage myself? It’s possible. Why don’t I ever EVER make a move on a woman I’m interested in? If a woman I like pursues me, then we’re fine, but as so many of us ladies do the lesbian sheep dance it leaves me in a position where I long for a woman in my life, but never quite get one. How can I work through this and get over my subconscious hang up?