Davey

I’ve found that even when you initiate a break up with someone, it can still be terribly painful and sad. I was with Davey for 5.5 years – the longest relationship I’ve ever had. A few weeks ago I drew things to a close.

Part of me is bewildered at what I’ve done. I love him, I do, but romantically things had fizzled out for me. I never discussed it on here because I didn’t think it would be fair to Davey. As it is, he stopped reading my blog when it became too painful to read about the sex I was having with other people, but not him. I think it’s especially sad when you love someone and want them to be important in your life, but you decide you’d rather be friends than lovers.

Of course, all this is doubly painful for Davey because his feelings for me didn’t change.

He told me last night that he plans to move out. I now need to move or find a roommate. We were planning to go on a cruise together in September but I doubt that’s happening now. I want to remain close friends with him but only time will tell if we manage that.

I’ve come to realize, or at least believe for now, that for me emotionally I’m fairly monogamous (but non-monogamous physically and affectionately). I can care about, have affection for, lust after multiple people. But when I fell in love with MasterDoc it became harder for me to stay romantically involved with Davey. I see this as my own shortcoming, and if there’s any blame to be placed for this breakup it’s with me, definitely. I pulled away from him. I lost interest in sex. And the whole time I felt horrible guilt over this. Davey is a wonderful guy. Truly. He is one of the best. He has always treated me really well and we’ve had so much fun together. I’m hoping we can maintain a friendship because I love spending time with him. We both love travel and dining out and these are things I don’t get to do with MasterDoc often. Davey and I like a lot of the same music.

It took me a long time to work out if this was the right decision, because in so many ways being with Davey is wonderful. But I ultimately felt that if I wasn’t going to have sex with him or I didn’t feel romantic towards him then it was unfair to hang on just for my benefit. Luckily, he has other girlfriends he sees regularly, so I hope that being poly will help soften the blow for him. I can understand this being hard for him, however, as for many years I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. But things change sometimes.