This is going to be a long entry. Not only did I have hot, kinky sex I want to share with you, I also had some realizations that I’m excited about too. (Ultimately, I’ve decided to make my brains’ masturbation one entry, and the actual sex another.)
I had a wonderful time yesterday – and had some revelations on what polyamory is to me. MasterDoc is poly in the sense that he likes having multiple romantic relationships concurrently. I’m poly in the sense that I prefer having one main emotional, romantic relationship and lots of friends I hang out with and fuck. Neither way is wrong, they’re just two of the many ways a person can be polyamorous. I would certainly feel affection for and care about my fuck buddies, but it would be without the intensity of a full-time relationship. I need a way to get my insane sexual needs/desires met, but I’m not really looking for another relationship. I’ve been going about things all wrong. I’ve been looking on okcupid for a woman to date. I should be looking on craigslist for a woman to FUCK.
I think I hesitate to admit that sort of thing, because then I come across as a stereotypical bisexual woman. But fuck that, I may be a bit of a stereotype at times, but I should go for what I want. (And like most stereotypes, I’m not 100% of the stereotype anyway. I can fall in love with and have a relationship with a woman, but I’d much prefer a female friend who loves to fuck and hang out with me.) I worry that I make other bi women look bad by fitting the stereotype – but there are plenty of bisexual women who can have romantic, emotional relationships with women (monogamous ones even!) but I’m not one who wants that.
Kinda hard to admit what you want is what has been vilified. It’s really hard to know that the lesbians who won’t date bisexual women will look at me and say, “See! She’s why I won’t date bi women!” I am not, however, all bisexual women. I am just me.
Yesterday we had over a woman MasterDoc found on craigslist. Just reading her ad made me think she’s a kindred spirit – and meeting her cemented that. I found myself feeling so excited to meet her, but I didn’t want to show it because while here she told us about a woman who got too clingy and she had to stop seeing because that’s not what she wants. The thing is, I’m so excited about meeting her BECAUSE she doesn’t want a relationship with a woman. To have a partner in crime who is bisexual, horny, kinky and adventurous would be fabulous. She’s smart, has an offbeat sense of humor – definitely the kind of person I want to be friends with. I’m hoping she’d be up for the same, but I realize that I have to be laid back about it lest I come across as wanting more than I actually do. But I would just like to be able to call on her and say, “Hey I have a night alone, want to come over, hang out and fuck?” And if she’s free that night (she does have boyfriend, and I think that should come first just like my relationship with MasterDoc comes first for me) then she can come over, chill out and get freaky.
It was so exciting to have that epiphany. I hold back from dating others for many reasons despite feeling frustrated and like I need more sex and more companionship, and I’ve realized that one of them is that I don’t want another emotionally intense, romantic relationship. I want a fuck buddy, a friend with benefits. Time to re-evaluate my dating strategy.
My other grand epiphany has been developing over the past week or so. We’re all so mired in the “stories” that society tells us, that even progressive feminists can fall prey to the narratives we’re told – despite them not being true. I’m often intimidated by thin women. (And I started feeling that way with our guest – she’s quite slender.) I think that thinness is so beloved in our culture that why would someone who has that want me? But that’s bullshit. I like a lot of different people – and someone being smart, funny and sexually adventurous is FAR MORE important to me than them fitting a societal body ideal. And why the fuck can’t I accept that there are thin women who feel the same way? I have such terrible self-esteem most of the time, that it had never occurred to me before – I am one of those smart, kinky, adventurous, fun people I think are so fucking sexy. Why the hell wouldn’t other people find me sexy? Sure, no one is ever going to be attractive to everyone, but I don’t give myself enough credit for my good points.
At one point I was chatting with our new pal (I’m hoping she’ll come back, she was loads of fun) while MasterDoc played with DeeDee in the next room. And I told her about the realization I had recently through a thread on fetlife and talking to someone on twitter – misogyny and the hatred of women’s bodies is so widespread that thin women deal with tons of shit about their bodies too. In the feminist movement these days we focus a lot on fat positivity, but we often do it in a way that reacts negatively to our sisters who more closely fit the “perfect” body. I forget, however, that the “perfect” body is so fucking specific that even someone who seems to fit it more closely than me can suffer from worries that they’re not the “perfect” one. Sure thinness is desired, but so are big boobs – and plenty of thin women have smaller breasts. We want this “perfect” combination of ultra thin yet curvy – and that’s not a look most people’s bodies fall into naturally. Also, I lose sight of the fact that even if someone does fit this norm, it doesn’t mean they buy into it, it doesn’t mean they can’t like me. Sure, some people are body conscious and only want to fuck other “hot” people, but I can’t assume because a woman is hot that she won’t find me to be very sexy or she can’t struggle with her own sense of body-positivity. (I need to realize this about men too.)
I’ve been so fucked up by the pervasive culture we live in that I have lost sight of these things. And when I told our new pal this yesterday she enthusiastically agreed with me that thin women get all sorts of shit about their bodies too. Misogyny is an attack on women, and part of the attack strategy is to make chubby women think that thin women are the enemy. I’ve often rejected a thin, pretty woman before she had a chance to reject me – and stupidly have ruined chances with women I might have had a great time with. I have no concept of a hot woman wanting to fuck me, but Jesus, aren’t I selling myself short? I’m buying into the societal narrative too much myself.
We had such a wonderful adventure with our new friend yesterday (I keep hoping friend is the right word – it could turn out to be a one-off but I’m hoping it’s not) that it merits its own entry. Coming up next: the hot sex foursome.
familiar territory. generous for you to blog about it.