It’s hard dealing with mental illness. I suffer from depression and when it hits it makes everything seem terrible and insurmountable. When it passes, I think, “How silly that I was THAT worked up.” In the meantime, I’ve quite possibly put MasterDoc or Davey through hell. Thankfully, they both love me and understand that I can’t really control the depression. Doesn’t make it any easier for them to deal with it though. It’s also not fun for me either.
Yesterday was one of those days. I seem to be having more of them than usual lately. I plan to talk to my shrink about medication, because perhaps the regimen I’ve been on for a few years now isn’t working as well.
In a fit of pique, I declared on twitter that I was giving up sex. I’m sure people reading that knew it wouldn’t stick. By the time the day was over I had sex with MasterDoc (entirely of my choosing) and orgasms helped settle me. We’re working on ways to help head off these bouts via beatings (endorphins help), medication, orgasms, and anything else that might help level off or lift my mood. Unfortunately I was a teary, angry mess yesterday before things could be headed off. When I started to gain perspective on the situation (“Oh, I see! This is depression speaking and making everything seem so irreparably terrible!”) cuddles helped a great deal. I cried a lot, started getting depressed about having been depressed (not to mention having been so harsh to MasterDoc). MasterDoc and I laughed about that a bit – the whole getting depressed because I get depressed. It’s silly I know, but I do feel terrible guilt for being difficult when I’m depressed.
I appreciate all the support from my twitter and facebook friends as I rode through the turmoil yesterday. It’s wonderful that people I don’t even really know will offer words of encouragement and support.
That’s why I didn’t get around to blogging about my Sunday evening in with MasterDoc. It was a bumpy night in a way – there was sex, a break, MasterDoc not really feeling like doing a lot but meanwhile I was craving a long night of hard, rough sex. (Been watching too much rough sex porn lately.) He decided that he wanted to come, and we played with ourselves while watching porn. He was going to come on me but the spurts didn’t quite make it to my hip that was laying beside him. I used the magic wand on myself and thankfully MasterDoc gave me a little of what I was craving then. Hand on throat, slapped thighs, I begged him to hurt me. The roughness made me come so much harder than I would have with the magic wand alone.
I can’t wait to try more rough stuff with him.
I may not have been reading/talking here long enough to really comment, but I have to say this: what you ‘realized’ (hey, this is manageable) is actually what’s there all along…
I dealt with horrible depression symptoms for a good several years until I realized them for what they were (temporary at the ABSOLUTE best) and began telling myself that every time they came up. From the point that I acknowledged them for what they were (my thoughts and brain-workings making things worse) until today, very seldom have I had a bout I couldn’t compete with. It may seem like absolute drivel but I promise you your mind (which you may think is messed up) is actually your biggest ally. The first, and most important step, is learning how to alter your thought patterns. Stay focused on the ‘this is manageable’ aspect and it will be.
I suffer from mental illness too. In my case, bi-polar disorder. I totally understand what you’ve said in this post. So been there!
@dara I appreciate your comment. I have at times managed to tell myself “this too shall pass” and get through the depression relatively ok. But lately when I get depressed I’m so far gone emotionally and mentally that I *can’t* perceive things as temporary. And this is why I’m wondering if medication isn’t doing its thing. When I’m properly medicated, I can do what you suggest and ride out the depression.
@Vanilla Kinks Thanks.
It helps to know I’m not the only crazy one out there! lol (Truly, I know many people with various mental illnesses. I think we need to get the stigma to go away considering it’s an ILLNESS and not something that’s voluntary.)
I’m on a down swing, so I fully identify. My medication’s still working and keeping me from dropping all the way to the bottom, but I can feel there *is* a bottom down there. And considering how my life is relatively good, it’s horribly difficult to keep from feeling bad about depression. It is an illness, but rational explanations don’t help when you’re feeling irrational.
Hi, another mood-swinger de-lurking.
About the “this is temporary” thing… When I realize my thinking is going haywire I can usually get a handle on the crazy part. The sad part is harder to beat.
My barely-scientific observation is that changes in day length affect people’s moods, even if they don’t officially have seasonal affective disorder. As the vernal equinox approaches the amount of daylight increases more and more steeply– where January 6 might have 3 minutes more sunlight than January 5, March 6 will have 12 more minutes of sunlight than March 5. March and November are my hardest months because of this.
And not to get too “count your blessings” at you, but you’re sooooooooooooo lucky to have people who can give you what you need. My D-type is like an immature version of MasterDoc, and isn’t at a point where he can deal with me saying “I’m a little crazy right now; you can either do terrible things to me (please!) or I will get anxious and weird.” He hears the words “anxious and weird” and flees. He doesn’t quite get that it’s actually pretty sane of me to realize that I’m wavering and ask him for help.