Comments on: Rape Culture and Triggers

By: Marijke

Marijke — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 01:22:06 +0000

Ah, I see. Thank you for explaining that to me, I appreciate it. I understand now.

By: Nadia

Nadia — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 02:54:28 +0000

The idea that they joked about raping a woman, yes that bothered me. Rape is already way too accepted in this world we live in. It’s not a joke to drug a woman and then do what you wish with her body.

By: Marijke

Marijke — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 02:51:12 +0000

I’m not sure I understand what struck a bad chord – was it the fact that it was a joke?

By: Nadia

Nadia — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 23:38:47 +0000

I think that the fantasy is fine ultimately. Plenty of people have the fantasy but would never force themselves on an unwilling person. I remember years ago I contributed erotica to various newsgroups and people would generally put a few terms in the header so the reader knew what they were getting into. I’m pretty sure “non-con” was one of the tags.

So certainly, I can see where the writer of that post that triggered me was coming from as far as it just being a fantasy. It just happened to be one that struck a bad chord in me.

By: Marijke

Marijke — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 19:40:06 +0000

This might be too much of a personal question, but I was wondering how you feel about stories about non-consentual sex? Personally I enjoy these stories and have no problem with these kinds of fantasies, but I have too little knowledge on this subject to know what I’m talking about and I was wondering what your thoughs are.

By: Nadia

Nadia — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 13:22:32 +0000

@Asher You’re exactly right. Coming during assault definitely happens and doesn’t necessarily indicate an enjoyment of what’s happening. In the case of this poem, the wife had no control or awareness over what was happening. But I do worry that too often in our society the notion that women enjoy rape is put forth.

@Dee I have rape fantasies as well and I realize that the fantasy and reality are totally different things. Someone referred to it instead as a “ravishment” fantasy and I think that description really does fit it better. Being taken can be really erotic – if consensual. I don’t think people who have rape fantasies are bad people – at all!

@Stacina Thanks for your perspective. I was careful to mention in this post that different people take things differently, and in a way it’s good to know that another survivor was okay with the story and able to view it as consensual (even if it was more for your own well-being rather than something that was actually indicated in the poem.) While I truly needed to write this entry, I am actually glad I didn’t get into the whole thing on the site with the poster. As I said, I don’t think the issue of non-consent (beyond total fantasy) was intended by the author. But certainly this sort of thing is prevalent due to the rape culture we live in.

@Everyone Thanks for the thoughtful comments.

By: Asher

Asher — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 06:33:44 +0000

No, you’re not too sensitive. Though I do wish to point out that it’s possible to come while being assaulted without enjoying it. I did. It’s a physical reaction. Doesn’t prove consent or pleasure.

By: Stacina

Stacina — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 04:59:20 +0000

First off, I have to say that I read the poem myself and did chuckle on it however I deliberately made myself think of it as completely consensual. When I was asked about if it was too much for me, my automatic response was it depends on the husband and wife’s relationship and if it was consensual or not, however I do think that it would be dangerous. It went in my head as more fantasy then anything else but I have conditioned myself to think that way. I was kidnapped at knife point in 2002 as I walked to my car from work. I was blindfolded and bound, brought somewhere and raped and then I was lucky as he dumped me back by my car. I had years of flashbacks and anxiety to work through and triggers from hell. I worked through many of them myself but I do understand how easily something like that can trigger you.

The society we live in today has become immune to most acts of violence as we have been so over exposed due to television, movies, the media, video games etc… The old belief of the victim being the one at fault for putting herself in such a vulnerable situation is still prevalent. It is fostered by the myriad of women who actually cry rape when it is not so that when someone actually is, no one wants to believe. Also, our culture still is a very christian one where women who are sexually free are looked down upon, so if someone who is not “virginal” says they are raped, then they are a slut who definitely asked for it.

The poem in question elicits a laugh in the way that a person who views a deer that has been hit by a truck does as you drive by. It is that kind of nervous guilty laugh. It is the giggle of thinking that something taboo can be exciting to you at the same time it disgusts you. I liked the poem for the sick, demented taboo quality of it as long as I made myself believe that the consensuality was there, but if ever I found anyone who did that to his wife in reality, I would be hard pressed not to castrate him myself.

By: dee

dee — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 04:29:26 +0000

I hate the fact that you started to question yourself about whether or not you were being too sensitive on this matter. You absolutely are not – especially if you were triggered by it.

I’m one of those people that does have rape fantasies, and to some degree, I have alot of guilt about that. I feel like I am one of those people that gives some men the idea that ALL women have this same fantasy – no matter how much they say no. But, in my rape fantasy, it is consensual and it is only with partners that I trust. It’s not with a stranger and the violence is only a part of the play. But just as you & others have pointed out, there’s always a safe word, there is always a discussion about agreed upon acts for role play, and consent must always be given.

I’m a little shocked and displeased with FetLife for allowing such a post. Between this post and a few brewing issues I have with the site, it makes me question whether or not I want to deactivate my account.

I’m really sorry that you were triggered by this and I only hope that you are comforted a bit by the support from Master Doc and your readers.

By: Mimi

Mimi — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 04:01:48 +0000

As a person who experienced a lot of sexual harassment and assault as a child and teenager, I was never capable of grasping rape fantasies, yet I also acknowledged that healthy, fulfilling sexual relationships play out differently for everyone. Recently rape fantasies started entering my mind and I’m not sure why. I considered that perhaps I had just moved on from all of the negative experiences I had had.

Then I experienced a trigger moment while watching a movie. And then another weeks later while in a classroom during a discussion about gang rape. It shook me so badly, as if no time had past. Your post saddens me, and brings back some of the heavy solitude that sexual assault experience can bring out.

I think the solitude comes from still – STILL – feeling like I am not allowed to feel the way I do. And that if something that is supposed to be funny does not amuse me, I am being overly sensitive. It’s my fault. Something is wrong with me.

I don’t know you. I haven’t read the person’s poem. But I don’t believe you’re being overly-sensitive. I think you are responding honestly, presenting your emotional and rational argument against what you feel is inappropriate.

The fact that these discussions and arguments are often made privately (as in the case of the poem poster deleting MasterDoc’s comment and emailing him to respond) is, in my mind, testament to the problem we are still facing.