*trigger warning*
Earlier today, MasterDoc showed me something on fetlife that he thought was sick and twisted, but sorta funny. I won’t put it here since that would require me looking for it, and that would not be good for me to do. I cannot read it again. To sum up: it was a sp0of on “Twas the Night Before Christmas,” a rhyming tale of a man who chloroforms his wife, invites his girlfriend in to help him fuck his wife while she’s unconscious, (the wife comes in the story while she’s unconscious), he slips her a roofie when she starts to come to, films the entire thing, and then when she gets up in the morning and relates to him the “dream” she had, he tells her that wow, that sounds hot, wish I could have been there. Now, granted, different people read things differently. I had to point out to MasterDoc the fact that nowhere in there was any indication at all that this was consensual. No indication to the reader that this was a D/s relationship where consent has already been given for activities like this. Call me a stuffy old feminist assault survivor, but I don’t find rape funny. He had assumed consent, but when I pointed this out he read it again and agreed, there was no clear, or even implied consent. (And the whole bit about her coming during the assault is typical “women enjoy being raped” bullshit.)
I wasn’t inclined to post a comment myself, as I’ve seen too often that women will be dismissed as lacking a sense of humor for calling this shit out. But as a survivor of non-consensual sex I was really upset after reading this. I burst into tears while talking to MasterDoc about it. It’s an indication of the rape culture we live in that this is seen as humorous and acceptable by otherwise reasonable people. (Someone else we know posted a positive comment on this thread. Women posted positive comments on this thread.) MasterDoc decided to post a comment pointing out the problems with the post but the thread owner opted to delete it. He did, however, write to MasterDoc essentially explaining that he thinks that people on fetlife are all adults and able to look at a poem like that and appreciate that it’s not non-consensual. I disagree.
I wondered aloud if the following poem would have gotten the same level of appreciation: a woman chloroforms her husband without his consent, ties him up, invites in some guys to peg his ass while he’s unconscious, and then she lets him think that the whole experience was a dream (but meanwhile she’s filmed it). Would people find that as amusing? But you know, I don’t think that would ever be put out there as humor. I also think that most people are so conditioned by the rape culture that only other survivors would “get” the problem with it. (I worry that the scenario I just related would trigger a man who’s experienced sexual violence.)
The triggering for me was the way that raping the woman was treated like a big joke. When I was assaulted and wrote on my old blog about it, while most people were appalled at what happened one or two told me that I was blowing it out of proportion. They basically told me that I didn’t have the right to feel traumatized. That it wasn’t assault. The guy who did it to me tried to convince me that it was just an “accident.” While I did get support, the few people who dismissed my trauma as inconsequential did a tremendous amount of damage to me.
In all fairness, I don’t think there was any malice in the posting on fetlife. Not true malice. And MasterDoc felt terrible for showing it to me and said that he should have known better. I’m not at all mad at him as he had no intent of harming me. (Had he thought for a second that this post would upset me so, he would have never showed it to me.) I don’t think the author meant to convey a true non-consensual experience. After all, I can understand the fantasy of intoxication play – where one partner is heavily intoxicated, consensually, and the other person then has their way with them. Done consensually, I could find that really hot. Some people would still be triggered by this.
Driving home today, I started thinking that perhaps I was too sensitive about this. After all, the guy tells the wife that her story is so hot when she relates it to him; one would hope that if she was anything but enthusiastic about her “dream” he wouldn’t say that. But I don’t know – am I thinking this only because I’ve been conditioned as a woman not to cause shit? I’m not naive enough to think that the world is safe and that I shouldn’t ever come across something thoughtless and triggering. Shit happens. And what triggers me won’t trigger the next person, and vice versa. (Over on Shakesville this week there was an open thread about bdsm. I enjoyed reading the discussion concerning bdsm and feminism. But the moderator had to shut down the thread because she was triggered. And I think if she was triggered she totally did the right thing – took care of herself. Just because it didn’t trigger me doesn’t mean it can’t trigger someone else who has had different experiences.) But I do think that times like this are valuable moments to raise the consciousness of others.
I don’t think you’re overly sensitive, nor do I think that you’re blowing anything out of proportion. You make a very important and valid point when you say that the reverse of the story would never be posted as a joke, nor would the reactions be as accepting. The problem lies in the fact that so many men don’t see the problem– as MasterDoc did not initially, until you pointed it out.
Anytime I write about rape culture on my blog, it’s usually the men that get insulted or take issue with what I have to say. It’s unfortunate, because then men are the people we need on our side, helping us change the culture we live in by calling these things out. But when even the “good guys” refuse to look at the bigger picture and see it for what it really is, it’s insulting and frustrating and makes everything feel hopeless.
I’m sorry that you were triggered. Being triggered to our sexual assaults is never fun; I was just recently triggered as well. Maybe if more men had to live, day in and day out, with the trauma and harassment that we do, things would change, though I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
<3
Well, I don’t think you’re ‘too sensitive’. I think you feel what you feel. The question is more what do you feel, why, and what do you want to do about feeling that way?
Personally, I think your point about a lack of explicit consent is a good one. Even if the story is written in such a way that it’s a consensual scene where the consent occurs ‘off stage’, consent is such a key piece of any smart bdsm that it’s a better story if it makes clear how the consent and safety protocols are implemented (after all, she can’t safeword out in this scene either).
So, I think you’ve made good points.
God. This is a tough one. It’s going to require careful thought and expression.
I think you are right in that rape is often trivialized by those who have not experienced it. Women who are raped are “asking for it” and men who are raped are weak, pathetic. But that is so far from reality. The reality is, ANYONE can be a victim and no one asks to be the victim.
Except, of course, the people who do. And by that I mean, the people who are in a BDSM relationship in which the bottom/submissive has given consent to participate in activities in which consent is NOT implied. Rape play.
Summarily: I do not think that kind of rhyme could have been successfully posted anywhere but FetLife (or similar sites). However, I also don’t think it was the smartest thing of the poster to just assume implied consent, or to let readers assume implied consent. Consent is a HUGE part of kink – just go back to the acronyms SSC or RACK; both have the word “consensual” in them and a very big deal is made to establish solid, unquestioned consent before any play begins. Consent is the fine line between kink and criminal; I think that should be upheld even when kitschy rhymes are involved.
It’s hard to speak up about rape “jokes” for exactly the reason you state… you will be seen as lacking a sense of humor. But guess what? Rape isn’t fucking funny. Never has been, never will be. And when consent is left out of something like this, it implies rape. If the man who wrote the piece actually cared about his piece coming across as consensual, he would have included consent in it. He chose not to, thus making his piece into an unfunny poem about rape.
I reacted much as you did to the story (at least as you related it). I face numerous issues in my own life associated with sexual abuse and its ramifications. Was a survivor myself as was my sister. Learned my Mother was as well. Took in three fosters kids who had been abused. I know this is all different from issue of consensual versus non consensual among adults; but I do understand your point quite well, and agree.
I find that I sometimes have trouble relating these issues to such things as rape fantasies. I am learning to open my mind a bit, but I still have a ways to go. For me it makes taking a strong dominant role in sexual behavior very difficult.
Another vote for you not being too sensitive. I think the subject matter of the poem you mentioned isn’t really funny or amusing at all. Even though the poem is (hopefully) fictional, I have serious doubts as to whether a drugged person could truly consent to a situation such as this or use their safeword if the play got uncomfortable/scary/whatever. Some things just aren’t funny. Rape isn’t funny, even if it’s being discussed in a supposedly silly poem. Just my opinion.
I’m glad you have a caring and understanding man by your side that can be supportive of you when you’re feeling triggered and vulnerable. No one can or should judge what you’re feeling and what makes you feel that way. We are all different. What upsets you might not upset someone else and vice versa.
As a person who experienced a lot of sexual harassment and assault as a child and teenager, I was never capable of grasping rape fantasies, yet I also acknowledged that healthy, fulfilling sexual relationships play out differently for everyone. Recently rape fantasies started entering my mind and I’m not sure why. I considered that perhaps I had just moved on from all of the negative experiences I had had.
Then I experienced a trigger moment while watching a movie. And then another weeks later while in a classroom during a discussion about gang rape. It shook me so badly, as if no time had past. Your post saddens me, and brings back some of the heavy solitude that sexual assault experience can bring out.
I think the solitude comes from still – STILL – feeling like I am not allowed to feel the way I do. And that if something that is supposed to be funny does not amuse me, I am being overly sensitive. It’s my fault. Something is wrong with me.
I don’t know you. I haven’t read the person’s poem. But I don’t believe you’re being overly-sensitive. I think you are responding honestly, presenting your emotional and rational argument against what you feel is inappropriate.
The fact that these discussions and arguments are often made privately (as in the case of the poem poster deleting MasterDoc’s comment and emailing him to respond) is, in my mind, testament to the problem we are still facing.
I hate the fact that you started to question yourself about whether or not you were being too sensitive on this matter. You absolutely are not – especially if you were triggered by it.
I’m one of those people that does have rape fantasies, and to some degree, I have alot of guilt about that. I feel like I am one of those people that gives some men the idea that ALL women have this same fantasy – no matter how much they say no. But, in my rape fantasy, it is consensual and it is only with partners that I trust. It’s not with a stranger and the violence is only a part of the play. But just as you & others have pointed out, there’s always a safe word, there is always a discussion about agreed upon acts for role play, and consent must always be given.
I’m a little shocked and displeased with FetLife for allowing such a post. Between this post and a few brewing issues I have with the site, it makes me question whether or not I want to deactivate my account.
I’m really sorry that you were triggered by this and I only hope that you are comforted a bit by the support from Master Doc and your readers.
First off, I have to say that I read the poem myself and did chuckle on it however I deliberately made myself think of it as completely consensual. When I was asked about if it was too much for me, my automatic response was it depends on the husband and wife’s relationship and if it was consensual or not, however I do think that it would be dangerous. It went in my head as more fantasy then anything else but I have conditioned myself to think that way. I was kidnapped at knife point in 2002 as I walked to my car from work. I was blindfolded and bound, brought somewhere and raped and then I was lucky as he dumped me back by my car. I had years of flashbacks and anxiety to work through and triggers from hell. I worked through many of them myself but I do understand how easily something like that can trigger you.
The society we live in today has become immune to most acts of violence as we have been so over exposed due to television, movies, the media, video games etc… The old belief of the victim being the one at fault for putting herself in such a vulnerable situation is still prevalent. It is fostered by the myriad of women who actually cry rape when it is not so that when someone actually is, no one wants to believe. Also, our culture still is a very christian one where women who are sexually free are looked down upon, so if someone who is not “virginal” says they are raped, then they are a slut who definitely asked for it.
The poem in question elicits a laugh in the way that a person who views a deer that has been hit by a truck does as you drive by. It is that kind of nervous guilty laugh. It is the giggle of thinking that something taboo can be exciting to you at the same time it disgusts you. I liked the poem for the sick, demented taboo quality of it as long as I made myself believe that the consensuality was there, but if ever I found anyone who did that to his wife in reality, I would be hard pressed not to castrate him myself.
No, you’re not too sensitive. Though I do wish to point out that it’s possible to come while being assaulted without enjoying it. I did. It’s a physical reaction. Doesn’t prove consent or pleasure.
@Asher You’re exactly right. Coming during assault definitely happens and doesn’t necessarily indicate an enjoyment of what’s happening. In the case of this poem, the wife had no control or awareness over what was happening. But I do worry that too often in our society the notion that women enjoy rape is put forth.
@Dee I have rape fantasies as well and I realize that the fantasy and reality are totally different things. Someone referred to it instead as a “ravishment” fantasy and I think that description really does fit it better. Being taken can be really erotic – if consensual. I don’t think people who have rape fantasies are bad people – at all!
@Stacina Thanks for your perspective. I was careful to mention in this post that different people take things differently, and in a way it’s good to know that another survivor was okay with the story and able to view it as consensual (even if it was more for your own well-being rather than something that was actually indicated in the poem.) While I truly needed to write this entry, I am actually glad I didn’t get into the whole thing on the site with the poster. As I said, I don’t think the issue of non-consent (beyond total fantasy) was intended by the author. But certainly this sort of thing is prevalent due to the rape culture we live in.
@Everyone Thanks for the thoughtful comments.
This might be too much of a personal question, but I was wondering how you feel about stories about non-consentual sex? Personally I enjoy these stories and have no problem with these kinds of fantasies, but I have too little knowledge on this subject to know what I’m talking about and I was wondering what your thoughs are.
I think that the fantasy is fine ultimately. Plenty of people have the fantasy but would never force themselves on an unwilling person. I remember years ago I contributed erotica to various newsgroups and people would generally put a few terms in the header so the reader knew what they were getting into. I’m pretty sure “non-con” was one of the tags.
So certainly, I can see where the writer of that post that triggered me was coming from as far as it just being a fantasy. It just happened to be one that struck a bad chord in me.
I’m not sure I understand what struck a bad chord – was it the fact that it was a joke?
The idea that they joked about raping a woman, yes that bothered me. Rape is already way too accepted in this world we live in. It’s not a joke to drug a woman and then do what you wish with her body.
Ah, I see. Thank you for explaining that to me, I appreciate it. I understand now.