I’ve been feeling the need lately, more than ever, to feel submissive. It’s funny, because if you’re not submissive you may wonder why anyone would want to feel controlled, beneath another, objectified. But for me, it’s not only incredibly hot, it also soothes me. In the midst of all that’s been going on in my life, submitting to MasterDoc allows me to relax and not stress.
It’s not always easy to submit. Last night MasterDoc talked to me about how I can be possessive of my time with him. If faced with giving up or sharing some of my time with him, I should view it in terms of submission and pleasing him. This is incredibly hard because I want to be with him as much as possible. I crave being with him, I crave his attention. While there are moments when I’m very much in the headspace of submission where I enjoy just being there while he attends to someone or something else, (tonight was one of those nights) most of the time I find that really difficult to do. Even moreso when I can’t at least be with him in the same place.
It’s interesting, because although putting my wants aside so that his happiness is fulfilled is a challenge, (especially being genuinely happy about doing it myself) I crave that challenge. I’m happy when I’m struggling with myself to make him happy. It’s kinda convoluted I will admit. What can I say? I’m a submissive. Some days it’s more fulfilling than others. Other days I just want to be the center of attention.
Last night, we watched part of a very hot porn video – in it a submissive woman had to serve at a party. The guests could comment on her naked body and they were free to grope her as they wished. She was the only person in the room without clothes on. Her wrists were secured behind her back and she wore high heels. In the beginning she has a tray slung on a belt around her waist with two chains leading to her collar. She had to navigate the living room full of guests balancing full champagne flutes on the tray. Let me remind you, her hands are secured behind her back throughout this.
She did spill a couple of glasses and was scolded for it. One spilled on an ottoman in the middle of the room and she was ordered to clean it up with her tongue. After she did that, she was brought around the circle of people again to be groped, probed, examined and handled. God, the humiliation was hot.
I was so fucking hot and wet watching this. MasterDoc needed to divert his attention to helping one of the other ladies in his life through a crisis, and being horny yet feeling very, very submissive, I enjoyed playing with myself until he was ready to touch me, and I could go back to that if he needed to pull his attention away again. He had me stop touching myself at one point, and I really was content to lay on the bed next to him patiently. I was genuinely happy to be doing that.
I suppose short-term patience like that is easy. But feeling like I’m giving up time, giving up getting my needs met when I feel like I want them to be met is hard. The idea of taking something like a weekend away at Floating World with MasterDoc, and then deriving pleasure from him having a good time, even if I don’t get to enjoy the things I’d like to because I’m sharing him, is hard. I should trust more, I suppose, that he will make sure I’m taken care of at some point. But that’s hard when it looks like things aren’t going how you hoped. (Especially when you’ve paid your way for the weekend.)
Tonight, I was really turned on by the submission. Actually turned on by being his servant, waiting for him patiently. It made me fucking horny. He drizzled some hot wax on me and I was really turned on by the fact that he could inflict pain on me – the control of it. He fucked me after, and I was so aroused the entire time. I suppose I should add that he placed the laptop on my back and continued his online conversation while he fucked me – and this drove me crazy. He made me come and squirt like Old Faithful.
That was the only round planned, but as I started this post I looked up the porn and started watching it again. MasterDoc decided that we could go another round, and he fucked me from behind again. This time, somehow, my vaginal muscles didn’t push him out. I worked hard at keeping things that way while also coming insanely hard. My hand dropped beside the bed, flailing limply as I came, head pressed into the bed and my knees kept spreading wider as I’m pounded down into the bed. I went completely incoherent – moans, whines, grunts, gasps were the only noises I could make. I was catapulted into another world. The only thing I was only able to do was come for as long as he wanted me to. He kept fucking me and I kept coming. I started to wonder if I could handle any more. My muscles pushed him out, and he kept touching my pussy, slapping it, stroking my legs, grabbing my hair. And I responded by continuing to come and squirt. When I later picked up the towel beneath me (placed there for the wax play) it was heavy from all the wetness I had squirted. The throe underneath was very wet too. MasterDoc said that he impresses even himself. I’m impressed too. I was utterly under his control being made to come like that.
i completely get how hot it feels when you submit to someone and let them have total control – i still manage to get rock hard when Mistress inflicts pain on me as well, the feeling of being objectified, humiliated and used like that is so hard to describe jsust because of how good it really is! Glad to hear your enjoying the feeling (and it was very hot to hear how much you squirted when you came too!)
http://tightlybound.wordpress.com
I meant to comment when I first read this post, but got distracted (happens easily, unfortunately.) I don’t generally call what I do “submission” because for me it is very much in-the-moment and not with that distinction of, as you say, “putting my wants aside so that his happiness is fulfilled.” I find that to be a beautiful definition of submission, although I know how challenging it can be to accomplish-and to be fulfilled doing it. I don’t know if I will ever be in that kind of relationship again, or if I am even truly unselfish enough to be able/want to do it. Excellent post that made me think.
Also, that clip, and your writing, was hot.
ahhh.. the challenge of submission. When I was ignorant of D/s, I used to see submission as a sign of weakness. And I realize that it can come from that as well, but so many submissives I know are really very strong people. I know when I’m submissive, it’s a serious challenge but the rewards are wonderful. If I can relinquish control, allow myself to be used and controlled, I can achieve the greatest high, the best feeling of well-being.
Like you, I have a hard time sharing but that’s a fact of life in my situation. Most of the time I have to share from afar, I can only imagine how I’d struggle with the challenge of sharing in person.
Thanks for sharing the scene with MasterDoc. The image of him fucking you while using the laptop is insanely hot, but the next round of you losing yourself to the experience is incendiary.
Thank you everyone. I’m always glad when people enjoy something I post. I’m the lucky one who gets to live it!