Unsolicited Review: 3D Kink

Unlike my usual reviews, this one entailed no freebies from the company. I took it upon myself to pay $9.99 for a three day trial and write up a review for all of you – as I certainly would love to see reviews of online sex games myself!

I’ve been a fan of The Sims, EA Games’ simulated people computer game, for years now although the glut of expansion packs has put me off my original intention of “collecting them all.” While playing The Sims, I often thought – wow, how cool would it be to have a sex Sims game where I can control my Sims in all sorts of deliciously naughty ways? Have one Sim flog another? Make them fuck? (Rather than the coy option of “making whoo hoo” that you have now.) I have dreamed of this for years.

So when I recently discovered that Kink.com (my favorite porn purveyor) has a game out that pretty much fits that description I was excited. It’s called 3D Kink. The site bugged me a little – in typical porn site fashion there’s an overload of idealized female bodies and the submissives in the pictures are nearly all women. (You have to really look for the men.) Now, I realize that straight men are probably the largest consumers of porn but – what the fuck? Women consume porn too. Gay men consume porn too. As you go into the game, it’s immediately assumed that the “you” character is male and your partners (secondary and 3some) are female, although you can change this – but your secondary partner has to be female. This game is not gay-male friendly. Neither is it African-American male friendly – while the women you create can be light skinned, medium skinned and dark skinned, the male characters initially can only be Caucasian.

You have to download software for it (and takes a while to set itself up) but you have to be connected to the internet and have an active account to play. Accounts cost US$9.99 for a 3-day trial, $29.99 for one month, $49.99 for two months, $59.99 for three months, $99.99 for six months. All are automatically recurring subscriptions except the six month one. As you can see, it ain’t cheap. For the ongoing cost, I would have hoped for a much better game. I’d much rather pay a one-time charge to download a game I can play ongoing. I can’t see myself spending that kind of money for a subscription.

The graphics are quite good. The interface isn’t terribly intuitive. In sequencer mode you can be the omnipotent porn director making the characters act out a scene. It’s long and involved, but you can then save the scene to play again later. In the regular game modes, unless two characters are involved (i.e., fucking) you only see the secondary character (and remember, the secondary character  has to be female). You can’t immediately have a fem dom situation, you need 7,000 sex coins (sex coins explained later) to purchase that option.

The game has provided me with many laughs – instead of characters fingering the female characters, a disembodied hand appears to either finger or grope her (depending on the hand you select). If you have long had a fetish for Thing from The Addams Family this game is for you. Much more discomfiting is the disembodied tongue. That’s right, a tongue, not attached to anything, appears and you can lick the secondary character with it. Equally odd is the disembodied crop, paddle, dildoes, etc. No hands wield these items, they move of their own accord (under your control). It’s more than a little weird. Maybe it’s cool if you’re into ghost sex.

The most hilarious moment of the game, however, is when you select the “cumshot” or “bukkake” buttons and a huge penis appears at the bottom of your screen to spurt cum onto the characters currently shown. That’s right, I said it’s “hilarious,” not “hot.”

The game starts out slow, with limited options. You earn “sex coins” through playing a couple of the game modes to purchase options as you go. To begin with, you can’t adjust the character’s breast size, or whether she has pubic hair or not, but you can adjust the male characters’ penis length and width. You can’t do much to the characters to start off – there’s three skin tones for the women, you can vary nipple appearance and color (even making them purple or some other wild color). There’s a limited amount of sexy clothing you can put on your character, but as I said earlier, by earning sex coins you expand the options and control you have. With sex coins you can purchase new positions to put your characters in (solo positions, couple positions, bondage positions). You can also purchase sex toys, clothing, characters, the ability to change things like breast size, body hair, etc. There’s a tool where you can create your own sex toy.

None of the default characters seem to be into pain, which is disappointing for this kinkster. You paddle them and they say “That hurts!” and their arousal meter goes way down, but their butt gets nicely red. (The characters, excepting the 3some mate, have pain and arousal meters.) You have to get the arousal meter to 100 for the character to orgasm, and let me just say that the women’s orgasms are incredibly boring. You barely know she’s come. (Hint: Tease her a bit and it becomes a bit more interesting. If I had more time to play with this more might happen, I don’t know.) There’s a special button where the woman can be made to squirt, even if she’s not orgasming.

It seems like there’s a good amount of kinks that will be represented once you unlock more features – furries, foot jobs, stockings, shoes, gyno poses, fucking machines, latex clothing, tattoos, fisting, pregnancy, etc. There’s a freemode where you just make them do various things to your liking, and a story mode, where you have to get through some hoops before you get laid (kind of like a modern day Leisure Suit Larry). There’s a variety of locations (including a dirty public restroom with glory hole).

Initially I was frustrated with the game not being what I had hoped, although the more I played with it the more interesting it got. However, it’s a lot of work for a little pay off. You can photograph or film scenes to watch later – this is a very good idea so each scene isn’t created from scratch. I think this game has promise and the developers have clearly put a lot of thought and work into it. If this were a one-time purchase with expansion packs (like The Sims), I’d probably go for it and play around with it. But as an expensive subscription service, I’m not going to continue.