For all my talk about what a sexually liberated woman I am, I have a sexual issue. I have been in denial about this issue, but now I feel like I can’t deny it any more. While I’m totally hot for women – I can’t make the first move. It’s a little like the people who have to be “forced bi” – the reality is they’re into the same sex but they have to feel like someone else has responsibility for what they do that’s homosexual. I at least get as far as knowing I want to have sex with women – that I’m not really being forced, I’m doing something I totally want to do. But I wonder if some of my hesitancy to initiate is that cannot admit to myself enough that I want to do it. This seems a little silly since I am quite happy and comfortable being bisexual. But I wonder if deep down there’s some sort of societal shame at play. Or maybe it’s just that sex is so much hotter for me when I’m Dommed. Now this hesitancy isn’t true 24/7 – sometimes I manage to get it on with women, but by and large it has to be in a party setting, a D/s setting, etc. I’m petrified at making the first move. Truly petrified in the sense of being unable to move. It’s damn frustrating.
I realized this because on Sunday evening DeeDee visited, and she had decided on her way up to New York that she was curious to really get it on with a woman, and since she likes me and we are comfortable with each other that she’d like to do it with me. (We have had some fooling around in the recent past, but I suppose not so much just girl-on-girl action but rather a threesome thing.) But when we got down to it, I froze. DeeDee, who is totally new at this, had to make the first moves and even then I kinda froze. It was weird and annoying.
MasterDoc eventually had me set things up in the living room – condoms, lube, toys, etc. when it became apparent that the “lesbian floorshow” as he was calling it wasn’t going to happen. As I was setting up the sybian for DeeDee’s promised ride after, he asked me to turn the light off so they could see the porn on the computer better. I grew annoyed, feeling like he was suddenly ignoring me because his focus was on cuddling DeeDee and watching the porn, totally not noticing that I needed the light on while I struggled with the sybian attachment. I snapped a little, and it was certainly awkward. MasterDoc reassured me that his plans were to fuck me and the two of them to work me over until I came a bunch of times, we just hadn’t gotten to that yet. Yet again he ended up talking to me (later, alone) about how I should learn to express how I feel before I get to the breaking point. I have such a hard time with it though. But I keep on working on it.
I lay on the mat on the living room floor, and MasterDoc handed me the magic wand. I used it on my clit as he and DeeDee played with my nipples and the rest of my body. As usual the wand makes me go from zero to 60 in something like six seconds. But he told me to take my time – don’t get myself too worked up right away. And so I played with the wand and ached to come. When I was clearly totally and completely hot and bothered, he fucked me from behind. DeeDee took the wand at his suggestion and used it on my clit – she had a bit of a hard time finding it so I placed the wand and eventually held it there.
Being fucked by a nice, large cock (attached to the Dom I love) and feeling the vibrations of the wand at the same time is stellar. He let me come and Jebus did I come hard. I think your average, sex-anxious, not sexually knowledgeable person would be quite shocked to learn just how hard a woman can orgasm. I orgasm harder with MasterDoc than even before – and I’ve always been able to come well, hard and often.
DeeDee got the attention next, and I sat down with a front row seat and watched MasterDoc give her a sybian ride. (By the way, I was out during the afternoon for a few hours and they had gotten freaky during that time, so DeeDee was not going home with just a sybian ride, although I suppose “just” isn’t a word people use for a sybian ride.) It is amazing to watch a woman come on the sybian. It turns her into a jellied mess, and her arms awkwardly reach out to grab onto MasterDoc as she groans and bucks her hips on the machine. Her head becomes buried in his chest one moment, and is leaning on his shoulder the next. She was pretty loud, and MasterDoc had me grab the new gag I have to use on her. She was probably only on it for about 5 minutes or so, but she said after that it felt like a half hour. Thus is the power of the almighty sybian. I said to her after, you know it’s a good orgasm when you feel satisfied just watching it.
It was a fun night, and MasterDoc certainly left us both sated. Unfortunately I dwelled on my little outburst earlier and got quite depressed. It wasn’t a rational depression but part of my dealings with clinical depression. I became suicidal and dwelled on the idea of hurting myself, or killing myself, or hoping that I die in an anaesthesia incident during my surgery next week. I ruminated on “everything” being my fault – within my family growing up, when things are less than perfect with MasterDoc. It was not pretty. I was numb, dwelling and playing a computer game when MasterDoc convinced me to go tuck him in. I opted to go to bed then, and I got some cuddles from him. I cried myself to sleep but thankfully felt a little better the next morning. The depression came back, but we talked, cuddled and he gave me a lovely beating.
To be continued…
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