Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!
Monthly Archive for September, 2009
Page 2 of 2
I’ve had a relatively sedate weekend. I canceled my date with Shane on Friday because I felt tired, blah and like being alone. He was a good sport about it. Yesterday I went to a friend’s baby shower and had fun, but nearly ended up explaining polyamory to the whole room. A friend said, “Where’s Davey?” (As he has long been my “official boyfriend.”) I answered her honestly, “He’s with his other girlfriend.” Man, the look on her face! Ha ha ha. I said, “It’s okay, I have another boyfriend.” I ended up laughing, turning red and when others in the room asked what was going on my friend said very loudly, very adamantly, “Nevermind! Don’t get into it!”
I took the time to write her a short note today. While I had never kept my poly status secret with this group of friends, neither have I shouted from the rooftops. So I explained, briefly, about my relationship and pointed her in the direction of Wikipedia, The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures
It was funny hanging out with this group of friends yesterday. I’ve been friends with them for years and became part of the group when I dated one of the guys in it. He’s now married and I get along great with his wife (she said that she knew about me being poly when it came up yesterday). But since most of the circles I move in are sex bloggers, bdsm practitioners and other perverts, I don’t spend a lot of time with monogamous people other than at work. Or, at least, people who don’t know about and accept polyamory. And I have to say, as much as I love these friends, I’m happier hanging out with people who are more open when it comes to sexuality and their relationships.
It’s not fun being in the closet, or having to explain your relationship choices to people. (This is probably the biggest reason (for me) to be in the closet – so you don’t have to explain yourself). But I don’t know that I have the chutzpah to live my life openly everywhere. I don’t keep the poly thing a secret much – I’ve told both my parents by now – but I also don’t push it in people’s faces. I do think some people need to be out there with it, it’s just not me.
I was relieved last night to have dinner with my friend Diva (who is certainly aware of polyamory in general and me being poly in particular) and then we met up with Tess to go to Hypergender Burlesque. Queer burlesque was a good antidote to being with the “normals” for the afternoon. (I probably shouldn’t say it like that, as my friends are wonderful people who just live more conventional lives than I do.) There were a variety of body types represented and lots of fun costumes and acts. While it’s striptease, it’s also performance art. Diva introduced me around as “the kinky librarian” and some people reacted with recognition. Cool!
I suppose only my idea of a sedate weekend would consist of watching lesbians take their costumes off. Heh. But really, compared to what you so often read here this IS sedate.
Although I must admit, I’ve long wanted to perform a striptease in the burlesque tradition. Maybe one day you’ll see me up there on stage.
Counting the days til MasterDoc is back on the east coast (two!).
The title of this post came from MasterDoc. It came out of a bit of a mind fuck he enjoyed last night. We were getting ready to get down and dirty in the bedroom, and he wandered off into the kitchen. I met him in the hallway, and he held up a small plastic funnel, with a naughty gleam in his eyes. I laughed, knowing he was referring to the porn I had shown him the other day. And then my usual reaction to things like this set in – I wondered if he was serious. Was he really going to use this funnel to piss in my ass? He says the look on my face was priceless. And I enjoyed the thrill of him teasing me and making me a little scared. For me fear is hot when it’s in his hands, I think because I trust him so much. We had a good laugh even as I pulled my hands to my face and looked scared. He said that he wishes he had thought to have a can of chicken Vienna sausages in his other hand to show me right after the funnel. Hee hee.
So funnelicious sounds like funalicious. And as the funnel theme didn’t end there it seems a suitable title for this entry.
We got set up in the bedroom and he told me to put on the enema porn on that I had liked. He stroked his cock as he decided what exactly to do to me. He had me play with myself a bit – I used the Nea on my clit. He asked if I had ever given myself an enema, and I replied that I had not. I think I had an enema for health reasons as a kid once, but that’s my only experience. He said he thought he had an enema in the house and was pondering having me use it. He asked how I felt about that, and I had to say I had mixed feelings – nervousness and arousal. The nerves come mainly from my own idea that a enema will definitely cause stomach cramps – maybe I’m wrong? The woman in the porn didn’t seem to be suffering. The arousal because it’s naughty and the feeling of being filled up anally is arousing.
He told me to get a toy to put in my ass, and I selected my Tantus ripple, it’s a fairly small butt plug I purchased a few years back as a relative newbie to anal play. I think he was a little surprised that I chose something so small, but as I don’t get in a lot of anal play small is usually just fine. I can take his big cock in my ass, but that’s the exception to the rule. He had me work the plug in as we watched the porn. I lubed my ass up well, lubed the plug up, and worked it in. I got it in pretty quickly and he commented on this. He had me play with it, stroking it in and out. I think the filled up feeling was more arousing than the thrusting. He wanted to know if I wanted to be fucked in the ass. Oh yes.
I added more lube and then kneeled at the edge of the bed. He worked his hard cock in. It felt good to be so filled up. He fucked me, saying, “Nice asshole.” I used the Nea on my clit, but really the main focus was on my ass. I grew ever more excited and soon begged for permission to come. “You want to come already?” He fucked me more and I kept moaning and squealing with delight and desperation to come. He let me come and even my rectum bears down during orgasm – not as bad as my vaginal muscles though. I’d come hard, then after a while get a little sore in the ass. I’d think that maybe I needed to ask him to stop but then he’d pound me harder and I’d immediately come again. Over and over, I would think that the pain was reason to stop and then I’d come again. Hard. I really am a masochist. It amazes even me.
We determined that the small funnel he had on hand wouldn’t be practical for the piss-in-ass play. We’d definitely need something with a tube like in the porn. I don’t doubt that one day I’ll visit his place and he’ll have one handy.
I was shocked and saddened yesterday to find out that Urban Libertine had passed away in his sleep on Sunday morning. I had only met him and Momo this year and become friendly with them – I’ve only hung out with them twice at their place during sex parties, but I count them both as friends. We’d twitter at each other and flirt a bit and I looked forward to getting to know them better. When I noticed Momo’s twitters sounding like something really bad had happened, I sent her a tweet asking about it. I had no expectation of it being as serious and final as death. He was a nice guy and I’m sad that my friendship with him won’t be able to go any further. At the last party, I didn’t get to have sex with him, but I thought, “I’ll just have to make sure I get with him next time.” Who knew there wouldn’t be a next time? He was only 40. Just a few years older than me.
Now, some people might wonder why I’m so very sad about this when I barely knew him. I mean, I don’t even know his last name. But it got me thinking about emotional vs. physical intimacy. We put emotional intimacy up on a pedestal and declare it “superior” to physical intimacy, but in the meantime we forget that physical intimacy IS intimacy. Taking someone into your body is an intimate act. No, it’s not the same thing as becoming emotionally intimate with someone, but this is the first time someone I’ve had sex with has passed away (to my knowledge). I was fond of him as a friend and I’m fond of his lady as a friend as well. I ache for her deep in the bottom of my heart every time I think about what she must be going through losing him so suddenly. They had a D/s relationship from what I know, and she affectionately called him Daddy. They seemed to be so in love and so happy. I’m so sad for her to lose someone so dear.
Of course, this got me thinking – how would I cope if I suddenly lost MasterDoc? I don’t like to think about it as the thought terrifies me. Last Saturday I got a peek into how much I depend on him. I was having terrible stomach pains and wondered if I should go to the hospital. I couldn’t reach MasterDoc (his phone battery had died) and so I put off going. I wanted his guidance to tell me to go. It’s not that I’m incapable of making an intelligent decision about my own health care – I did decide to go considering I had just had a procedure the day before and the pain could be complications. But I dread hospital visits – particularly since it looked like I was going alone – so I put it off for a good hour and a half while I panicked and thought about what to do and hoped the pain would go away. Had I reached MasterDoc I would have acted sooner as he would have told me to go. (I am fine now, follow up with doctor tomorrow. I have gall stones – who knew? Shane drove all the way back from home to go to the ER with me. Davey and MasterDoc got my messages the next morning.)
While I’d be devastated to lose Davey, there’s an added layer to my relationship with MasterDoc due to the D/s component. I rely on him for input and decisions. I’ve gotten so used to his guidance that I feel like I’d be lost without it. I’ve finally found a Dom, something I’ve needed all along. How would I survive without one? I’m terrified at the thought. I have trusted him to do things to me that I’ve never trusted anyone to do before. I don’t want to have to look for another Dom. I can’t imagine someone else being able to take his place. He is able to read me like no one else.
Last night I appreciated seeing MasterDoc even more than usual. I counted my blessings to have him and I cried a bit as we cuddled because I was sad about the loss of Urban Libertine, sad for his lady Momo, and also scared at the idea of having to go through what she’s going through. The age difference between MasterDoc and me brings issues of mortality more to the fore. He’s 18 years older than me, and male, the odds are extremely strong that I will outlive him. I dread that day. Last night we made sure to tell each other how much we love each other. It was reassuring after this sudden loss and the upcoming trips that he’ll be making this month. I don’t see him again for six days. But I will cherish each day I have with him – near or far. Sometimes MasterDoc points out that he thinks part of why I’m so smitten with him is lust (not that he doubts my love, but he thinks a percentage of it is lust). But I would much rather have him in my life not having sex with me than losing him. I’ve become deeply attached to him. While I do lust after him, I also love him deeply.
When Babeland offered Staci Haines’ Healing Sex for review, I decided to snap it up. You see, after I was sexually assaulted in 2005, a friend at that time had Haines’ Healing Sex DVD and lent it to me sometime in the months following the assault. While Haines’ focus is on survivors of childhood sexual abuse, her techniques can definitely be applied to recovering from any sort of sexual trauma. I remembered the DVD as being insightful, so I was happy for the chance to read and own Haines’ book.
Staci Haines specializes in the somatic approach – “an educational and transformational approach that assumes that the body, mind and emotions are one interconnected biological system.” (p. 15) She discusses a great deal the concepts of being aware of what you’re feeling, or indeed being aware if you’ve dissociated and stopped feeling. Being present during your sexual experiences is a major first step towards healing. Being aware of your body and reactions helps get you away from dissociating – “checking out” – during sex.
Haines is realistic about the conflicting emotions that survivors may feel – they may feel guilt or shame when they feel sexual pleasure, they may love and hate their perpetrator at the same time. Being triggered during sex with a partner may cause a survivor to take their anger out on their partner. She doesn’t paint a picture of recovery as being all hearts and flowers – but she does point you towards the wonderful future you can have if you take the time to heal. As they say, nothing worth doing is ever easy.
The approach is entirely sex-positive. She explores different types of sexual expression, everything from oral sex to S/M and in between. There’s chapters on sexual anatomy, creating boundaries for yourself, partnered sex, navigating your way through triggers and how to work on healing them, and even the use of sex toys. Many of these chapters have interesting sex-positive information that would be useful for anyone. (The book is aimed at women survivors, of any sexual orientation.) While she discusses the problem of survivors sometimes becoming sexually compulsive in reaction to the abuse, she makes clear the point that being a fully realized sexual woman with a stronger sex drive than our society thinks you should have is NOT the same as being compulsive. She then goes on to discuss the real difficulties with actual compulsion. She also doesn’t glamorize sex as being the perfect image we see in porn or read about in books. Haines is clear that we bring our quirky human selves to our sex lives – there will be times when things go wrong and you and your partner end up laughing. Sometimes you may need to stop the action for a time and get back to it after dealing with difficult memories. There’s even a chapter for partners of sexual abuse survivors.
The final chapter in the book is a phenomenal collection of resources – everything from healing sexual trauma, to dealing with any sort of trauma, to women-friendly sex-positive sex toy stores (Babeland is on the list).
One minor gripe: this book has more than an average number of typos that were not caught and fixed. If you’re a grammar nut like me this may irritate the heck out of you.
Recently, I sent MasterDoc an email that said:
This is so wrong, and so dirty and so disgusting….http://www.tnaflix.com/view_video.php?viewkey=2047a9ec617acb9c34ce
And I just jerked off to it.
I was filled with embarrassment that I had been turned on and able to get off to this video. He wanted to share the video with DeeDee and I told him no, I wasn’t comfortable with that.
But now I’m sharing it with you all. (And DeeDee – Hi DeeDee!) It’s quite NSFW, as well as NOT everyone’s cup of tea or within everyone’s comfort level.
Some days I shock myself with the dirty, perverse things that turn me on. The good thing is that often, MasterDoc is turned on by them as well. He’s also told me some of his fantasies that are more extreme and I’ve found them to be quite hot (and many times things I hadn’t even thought of). We don’t click on every single thing, but we click often enough. My turn-ons have expanded a great deal since meeting MasterDoc. Anyway, MasterDoc shared with me the next time I saw him that he had done that – pissed in a woman’s ass with a funnel, and that he was into it. Oh dear. So I’m faced with something that I feel conflicted about. I feel royally turned on and quite embarrassed at the same time. Perhaps part of the being turned on is due to the being embarrassed?
Now, not all the fucked up things MasterDoc comes up with are truly things he wants to do. A couple of people were disgusted and concerned about the Vienna sausage tale I wrote about last weekend. Please know that, like many things, he enjoys the mind fuck of threatening that story. He’s not into it, and doesn’t actually want to do it. But the mind fuck is part of BDSM play. He’s awfully good at mind fuck – it’s hard to tell when he’s teasing and when he’s serious. Luckily, others seemed to get that that story was funny. It was teasing. It was humorous.
Relax people. Not all dirty fantasies are shared with the idea of actually living them out.
Some people would be uncomfortable with my choices, but I want to point out that they are mine to make. What gets me hot doesn’t agree with everyone. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t pursue my happiness. Is it twisted to get turned on by embarrassment? Perhaps. But fuck it, it works for me. I consent to MasterDoc playing games with my head. I’ve grown to trust him well enough to know that if it were really causing me psychological distress I could express that to him and he’d make sure I was all right.
Lilly, of DangerousLilly.com, is giving away an Njoy Pure Wand courtesy of EdenFantasys! The Pure Wand is a high-quality stainless steel double-ended dildo for either G-spot stimulation or prostate stimulation. It is 24 ounces of solid medical grade stainless steel, and polished to a mirror shine. Lilly loves her Pure Wand and wants to spread the love to one lucky winner!
To enter the contest just visit her blog to find out the rules and entry methods. You can enter even if you don’t have a blog, it’s easy! The contest deadline is September 16th, 2009, at Midnight Eastern Standard Time.
I’ve had a busy week, alas I don’t have a lot of stories to share but MasterDoc and I had good sex and a caning on Wednesday night. (Again I had to reflect on how some pain pushes me harder into orgasm, but some pain, this time his fingernails digging into my ass, can push me away from orgasm.) Since I won’t be seeing him too often this month it was kinda like a little sending off I suppose. Still, I’m sure it will turn out that I will see him a good amount – after all I should still see him one or two nights a week – not bad! Yesterday he took me to get a gastroscopy done. I was nervous, as I tend to be with any procedure, but I have to say that propofol is the shit. Yes, that’s the drug Michael Jackson took that ultimately led to his demise, but he combined it with a bunch other stuff. I went into this procedure with an entirely empty stomach and no medications since the evening before. Propofol knocked me out nearly instantaneously. (I watched the anesthesiologist inject it into the line in my arm and then all went hazy seconds later.) I felt like I was still just falling asleep as I became aware of MasterDoc standing next to me – and the mouth guard, IV line, blood pressure cuff and oxygen tubing that had just been on me seemingly a second ago, were gone. I have absolutely no recollection of the procedure. Nice! (No wonder they call propofol “milk of amnesia.”) I go back to the gastroenterologist in a couple of weeks to hear about the bits that were taken from my esophagus for further testing. But overall the whole thing went well.
I’ve kept mostly private about issues I’ve had with Davey, and I don’t want to go into details here (sorry, some things I do keep to myself) but we had a breakthrough in our sexual issues on Tuesday night. (No small thanks due to MasterDoc.) I’m feeling better about things than I have in months (the only real issues we’ve had have all been sexual or related to the sexual issues) and hopefully things will get better now. I may write in more detail at a later date, but for now I’d like to keep quiet about it.
With MasterDoc gone, I hope to explore here some fantasies of mine – and share them with you of course. Ever since Floating World my mind has been filled with dirty, kinky fantasies and I need to get them out of me. I think I might somewhat be in subfrenzy, lusting after all sort of kinkiness – desperate to make all my fantasies come true. This month would be a good time to calm down and reflect. Luckily, I’m already with MasterDoc, and he wouldn’t let me go overboard in exploring my fantasies.
Soon, I will write and post a review on Staci Haines’ Healing Sex, a book which I’m finding very enlightening. It’s taking me into my sexuality in a new way, and despite the focus being healing from sexual trauma, I find myself looking at other issues I’ve had since before being raped at age 25 and sexually assaulted at 32 – issues with speaking up about what I want, not saying no when I’d really like to, and other things. It should produce a thoughtful post in the near future. I also have another dyke porn dvd to review – rowr. How I’ve held off watching it this long is beyond me.
So stay tuned, more of the dirty, sexual talk you’ve come to love and expect from me will ensue. For now, enjoy your Labor Day weekend and make some stories of your own!
When doing the photo shoot a couple of months back with my friend DivaSub, I spotted some blue gloves on the living room table at MasterDoc’s. I wondered what he would do with these, but in the meantime thought they’d look cool contrasting against my pale skin. I don’t think the gloves have been used, but then I’m not really sure where they went. I think this photo would have been sexier if the gloves fit my hands better.
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