Monthly Archive for December, 2008

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Review: Babeland Anal Beads

Published on December 10, 2008 in D/s, Uncategorized, anal, blow jobs, orgasm on command and reviews. 0 Comments

I suppose this won’t be a regular review but instead a story of how I spent my afternoon. I was feeling horny, MasterDoc was feeling tired, but he did feel a bit like beating me. I wasn’t sure if he was going to feel up for it though. We cuddled in bed for a while before he said, “Get the lube, anal beads, your collar and the nea.” Yes, Sir!

I’ve had the beads for a little while now, but they’ve been hanging about unused. I could have used them by myself but isn’t it much more fun to use such a thing with a lover? I was getting antsy to use them (just like the underbed restraints) since I’m super conscientious about getting my reviews done. But of course I had to wait until MasterDoc felt like using them. The restraints wait to be tested (but PantheraPardus reviewed them well, so I’m keen to use ‘em) but the anal beads have now been used.

He didn’t lead off with them, he played with the nea on my nipples a little bit. Then he grabbed the beads and an idea came to him – use it as a whip. Yikes. That thing fucking stings on your breasts. A short while later, I found out that it stings like a motherfucker on your ass as well. Babeland, I wish you had told me that it had a dual use! Now MasterDoc has another impact toy to torture me with. (I kinda hate it but kinda don’t mind it at the same time. Masochism is a funny thing.)

He spanked me, paddled me, whipped me with the beads. My ass was sore and I’m sure red. Then he tells me to use the nea on myself as he goes off into the next room. He gets the floggers and starts whipping my ass. Pain, pain, pain. I think the beads left me more sensitive because they stung so much. He had me raise my front end up a bit, so that my back was further up, and he went to town flogging my upper back. Thankfully he didn’t use the beads on my upper back.

I got quite a spanking. When my knees got tired, he had me lay on my back. “Look at me,” he said and I looked him in the eye as he flogged my thighs. He slapped them a bit, which actually hurt worse than the flogger. He had me put my arms over my head so he could flog my breasts. The flogger stung when he would happen to hit a nipple. He had me get up on my knees again.

Oh, um, I was going to talk about anal beads wasn’t I? I’m getting to that.

He lubes up my asshole and starts to insert the beads. The very end is really tiny and feels like a tickle, but the beads gradually get larger and he had to push gently to get the larger ones in. Since the thing is about a foot long, I imagined not all of it going in, but MasterDoc assures me that it all went in. He jiggled them a bit, slid them out, slid them back in again. At times it felt like the bigger beads were too much. But then it would feel absolutely divine. When in motion it stimulated my ass, when stationary I felt filled. (The beads are thermo plastic rubber, which apparently has no phthalates. They were easy to clean. I assume since Babeland is selling them that the material won’t harbor bacteria like the plastic toys of old.)

He removed them. I was really wet by this time from the spanking and beads. He had me suck his cock for a while to get it nice and hard. I was told that if I got it nice and hard that maybe he’d fuck me with it. Rowr. I had been hoping for that all day. I got it hard and he had me put the condom on and get on top. I rode him, him thrusting up into me. I was moaning and gasping, nearly to the point of asking for permission to come when he says that delightful word to me, “Come.” I came and came, he spanked me, twisted my nipples and other delightfully awful things to me as I came. I came again. Finally, he said, “That’s enough for you young lady.” I sat on his cock for a little while, brushed the hair out of my face and stroked his chest.

As we lay next to each other after, he asked me if I’m a lucky girl. I responded with the “correct” response, “Yes, Sir, I am a very lucky girl.” He chuckled and said that he should ask that again when I didn’t have the collar on. He did ask me and I gave the same response, he seemed satisfied by that. It’s funny how during a spanking it hurts like the dickens, but after the after-spanking sex I’m just so happy that the pain totally fades away. Ah, orgasms and endorphins. Gotta love ‘em.

Pleasurists #7

Published on December 8, 2008 in pleasurists. 0 Comments

Seven by Jean Paul Four

Pleasurists is your round-up of the adult product reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #6? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #8? Submit it here before Sunday December 14th at 11:59pm PST. Please re-post this list on your own blog if listed.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

Holiday Kit Swag Giveaway Deadline: 11:59 pm MST on Friday, December 12th.

Win a Hot New Sex Toy! Deadline: February 1st.

On to the reviews…

Editor’s Pick

Babeland Penis Cupcake Pan by Mariella

“The gritty stickiness of frosting on my hands, between my fingers; a bowl of the flesh-colored remnants still sitting in the fridge.

A lone plate on the kitchen table.

Fragrant, still warm–six little cocks, all lined up in a neat little row.”

Madame Editrix

Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

Vibrators

Mia Oh My by Syntax

We-Vibe by Amber of Scarlet’s Letter

The Cry Baby by Elizabeth of Pornocracy

Rock Chick by Adriana

Cry Baby by Nadia West

Odyssey Tickler and Sweet G by The Countess

The We-Vibe by Marky D Sade

Liv Vibrator by Sinclair Sexsmith

Mini Corsair by Rori of Between My Sheets

Kama Diva by Bad Bad Girl

Paris Ducky by Monkey

Dildos

Ophoria Pleasure No. 6 by Beautiful Dreamer

Hardwood Dildo by Ansley Agnello

Ophoria Pleasure No. 6 by Epiphora

Dotted Delight by N

Fun Factory Delight by Sexorcism

Candy Cane by Alpine Subdreams

Ophoria Suction Cup Dildo by Roxy of Uncommon Curiosity

Anal Toys

Bob by LELO by Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

Nobessence Linger by Epiphora

Toys for Boys

Luxury Toys for Boys – LELO Bo by Thursday’s Child

Bliss Love Ring by The Countess

Trojan Ultra Thin Lubricated Condom Review by Shasta Gibson

Sex Kits

Kama Sutra Weekender Kit by Hot Movies For Her Sex Toy Crew

Orchid G and Female Ejaculation Combo by Sexorcism

Lube/Massage Oil

Boy Butter – His ‘n’ Hers Review by Thursday’s Child

Lava Lotion Massage Candle by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival

Playing Goldilocks by Essin’ Em

Wet Naturals Beautifully Bare Lubricant by Shasta Gibson

BDSM/Fetish

Under the Bed Restraints Rock My Socks by Panthera Pardus

Kinklab Vampire Gloves by Betty Rocket

Super Cuffs from Babeland by Alpine Subdreams

Catalina Loves Lazy Bondage by Catalina

Door Jam Bondage Device by Shasta Gibson

Black Suede Flogger by Dangerous Lilly

Erotic Books/Games

Island Girls – Tropical Lesbian Erotica by The Porn Librarian

Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes by Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage by Essin’ Em

Tantric Lovers Game by The Countess

Spank me… No, Really by Saucy Nights

“Bedding Down” – A Collection of Winter Erotica by That Toy Chick

Adult Movies/Porn

Rituals in Ropes by The Porn Librarian

Voluptuous Biker Babes by J.D. Bauchery

Nina Laid Bare by The Porn Librarian

Bondage Boobtube by Domina Doll

Jenna Loves Pain by Bad Bad Girl

Tail of a Bondage Model by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival

Bride of Sin by Ansley Agnello

Miscellaneous

Mo’s Sexy Black & Pink Box! by Mollena

Climax Bursts Anti-Bacterial Toy Cleaner by Domina Doll

Jenna’s Bubble Bath by The Countess

The Jaguar Harness by Thursday’s Child

The Wedge/Ramp Combo from Liberator by Ellie Lumpesse

Three Thumbs Up!

Published on December 7, 2008 in D/s, Uncategorized, bdsm, cunt, fisting, kink, masochism, orgasm denial, orgasm on command, sex, slut, spanking, squirting, submissive, swinging, sybian and wax play. 0 Comments

I feel very fortunate to have so many wild, fun sexual experiences. I really am very lucky. While I was a total pervert before I met MasterDoc, he has led me further down the path of debauchery and I love him for it. Last night we had some guests – a Dom, his slave #1(who lives in NY), his slave #2 (a Canadian down for a visit) and a woman who is potentially going to be his, so right now she’s a submissive under consideration I guess. (Edited 12/10 to get the hierarchy correct.) Liz was visiting and MasterDoc got her to cook dinner – a spectacular feast as always (complete with made-from-scratch apple pie!) We got settled with our guests and enjoyed some wine with dinner. Now, as a submissive I call MasterDoc “Sir” and not “Master” since our relationship is not that of Master and slave. I don’t think I have it in me to be someone’s slave. I’m too spoiled, cantankerous, and selfish to commit to being a slave. I’m really very happy with the situation I have with MasterDoc. He knows how to work with my difficult aspects, but I digress. It was different to be around submissives who refer to their Dom as Master. Not bad, just different. I can see where I’m much more autonomous than they are. I don’t have to call MasterDoc Sir when I don’t have my collar on (unless he’s just given me a direct order, then it’s appropriate) and things are on a closer-to-equal footing when I’m not in my collar. (They’re never truly equal, but then that’s part of the attraction of a Dom/sub relationship. I want him to be in charge, even when I’m feeling stubborn.) I think I’ve found a D/s relationship that works well for me, and I very much respect the other types of D/s relationships there are out there. It’s fascinating to discover that each one is so different. You’d think there’s one way to be a Dom but there really isn’t. There’s as many D/s relationship structures as there are people who practice power exchange.

The slaves and sub were all good about doing things like dishing out food at dinner and what not. As hostess I really should have been better, but I’m a crap hostess. lol I did set the table, and take their coats and stuff like that. I tried to be on my best behavior. I missed a few things like putting out napkins on the table, but I remedied it as quickly as possible when it was noticed. I was feeling really shy last night. Not shy sexually, after all, when am I shy sexually? But quiet, not talkative. Luckily the other ladies were friendly and engaged me in conversation. The Canadian one really caught my eye – curvy with a nose ring and color streaked hair – definitely my type. The other two were hot as well but some people are just more your type than others. The Dom is a handsome man, in his 40s, and his ladies seemed quite devoted to him. All in all, everyone was nice and I really enjoyed the time we spent with them.

After dinner, we hung out in the living room. Dynamics-wise it was interesting as the other ladies sat on the floor (out of choice, I believe) and I sat on the sofa with the two men. I’m not sure exactly how we got things started, but MasterDoc asked to borrow some wax to do some wax play on me. I spread out on the reclining chair and he dripped wax all over me. It hurt, but in a wonderful, sensational way. The first candle he chose was white, so the wax didn’t show up in the dim light, but he switched to a red candle at the other Dom’s urging. I braced myself since darker candles are supposed to burn hotter. I don’t know that there was a significant difference, but he sadistically dripped wax in the delicate area next to my mons.

He sent me to clean up, and I’m foggy on what exactly happened next. There was some spanking at one point. There were clothespins put on the nipples of one of the ladies. The Canadian knelt in front of her Master and he lulled her into the submissive headspace. I was told to come over to her and play with her tits. I felt shy but slowly made my way over. He directed the action every step of the way. I was to suck on one tit, then the other. He had her and me lean in close to each other, not kissing just yet but leaning in close, cheek to cheek. He told us both to smell each other and we stroked our cheeks against each other and sniffed slowly. He told us to start kissing, but not on the mouth, on the cheek, the neck, any place else. She really dove in and started to work on my neck. I’ve got a bit of a hickey today from it. I was in such a happy place. He slowly moved us towards kissing on the lips, and she dove in before he gave permission. I was so hot for her at this point, the slowness was agony (and I’m sure he knew it!) He got her to back off, but then gave us permission and our tongues met and she sucked on my lips sensually. She’s a very good kisser. Our hands reached out to each other’s bodies and we caressed and played, she sucked on my tits for a bit then dove in to my pussy. I sit back, leaning against the couch, and closed my eyes as she worked magic on my clit. She was instructed to get her ass in the air, near the couch so MasterDoc could spank her. I reached under her stomach and found her clit and massaged it with my fingers. It was so damn hot watching MasterDoc spank her while she went down on me. I hardly noticed what the rest of them were up to. *grin* I do believe the other Dom got a blow job from his other women.

I had the thought at one point in the evening, that plenty of people would consider us to be sick freaks. I mean, the evening is totally outside of what most people do with their Saturday evenings. But this is definitely a case of “if it’s wrong I don’t want to be right.” Last night was among the hottest nights of my life. It was better than porn. Seriously.

The sybian was brought out, and each of our lady guests got turns riding it. It is amazing to watch a woman on the sybian. The look on her face is just beautiful. MasterDoc ran the controls and made each lady come over and over again, after they got his permission of course. Two of the ladies fooled around while one of them rode the sybian, I got prompted to join in after I was just sitting there watching the action. I got to watch pretty much all of the sybian rides, and my mouth was hanging open at how hot it was to watch. I was so horny! I was feeling a little left out and wondering when I’d get to have an orgasm, but I kept quiet and behaved myself. Luckily, the other Dom wanted to see me on the sybian as well. MasterDoc had me get my gag since it was late at night and we didn’t want my screams to disturb the neighbors. So, bit gag in mouth, I got on the sybian. MasterDoc positioned himself right in front of me so I could fall forward into his arms. He teased me and I was begging to come in no time. (Hard to do with the gag in my mouth. lol) He asked the other Dom if he thought I should be allowed to come yet, and he said not yet. So MasterDoc teased me a bit more. When he allowed me to come, my whole body convulsed and I grabbed at him, moaning through the gag.

This might be when we took a break to have pie, I can’t quite remember. While we were in the dining room, MasterDoc played with the clover clamps on the Canadian slave’s breasts. Youch. I can’t take them, but she rode through the pain. He got her to take the chain into her mouth, holding the clamps so they were pulling on her nipples roughly. I could tell the pain was turning her on. MasterDoc started playing with her cunt, and eventually she came as he slapped her clit. She even squirted across the table. (I was seated next to them and got splashed a little.)

Back in the living room, even more happened. Oh yes, you’re probably thinking damn, this night has been really hot so far, but oh I am a lucky girl and the night continued to get hotter. The Canadian slave went over to MasterDoc and they played a bit (I think she gave him a blow job, I’m not sure my back was turned). I was called over to the other Dom and he placed clothes pins on my nipples. He followed up with clothes pins all around my breasts. He then had me turn and show MasterDoc. Some pictures were taken (MasterDoc making sure that my face wasn’t in any of them). I was left like that for a little while. The clothespins pinched my flesh. When MasterDoc nudged to have the other Dom take them off it hurt while each one came off, but he had two of his ladies kiss and caress each spot as he took them off. The two continued to suck on my nipples, my very sensitive nipples. He had the third one come around behind me and stroke my head, meanwhile he (the other Dom) slid his fingers into my cunt. Oh my god the feeling was amazing having so many hands on my body. I begged to be allowed to come, and from the sofa MasterDoc taunted me, asking me if I was sure I wanted to come. He teased me while the other Dom played with my g-spot. When I was allowed to come I came hard yet again. Afterwards, MasterDoc told me I was a very good girl and I beamed. I’m positively swooning as I write this. I have the best time being a slut. I mean, really amazing fun.

Just when you’d think the night couldn’t get any better, the Canadian slave got fisted in front of all of us. I sat there, mesmerized, with a front row seat to watching her get fisted. Her Master’s entire hand fit inside her cunt. “Jesus Christ,” I thought, “This is cool!” I mean, how many people get up to this on a Saturday night? Before I knew it, I was being talked into fisting her as well. I had never fisted anyone before, so the Dom talked me through the whole process, gradually adding more fingers and more of my hand (and lots of lube) until my entire fist was inside her. When she came I could feel her vaginal muscles squeezing my hand. My hand remained inside her as he kissed her afterwards, forgotten. It was funny. Eventually it was like, “Oh I forgot your hand was in there!” and he had me take it gently out. She gave me a great kiss and cuddle afterwards and it was great to make another woman feel that good. It was totally hot. I’m sure I sound like a fourteen-year-old boy but, dude, last night was totally hot. *grin*

If I could have a night like that every night of my life I would never feel depressed. It was amazing. I hope that they come to play with us again sometime soon.

After they left, I cleaned up a bit and hung out with MasterDoc and Liz. We all agreed that they were nice people and we hope to see them again. It was just about bedtime for me when MasterDoc’s cock got hard. He said something about fucking me in the morning, but I was keen to get fucked then. (I just knew I’d want to sleep in as late as I could in the morning.) And, yippee!, he decided to fuck me. We went into the bedroom and he went down on me for a little while. He then fucked me from behind and he had me in a state in no time. I was moaning, dying to come. He fucked me hard and I struggled to hold back from coming. Then he gave me permission and I came, my muscles clenching his cock. It was a wonderful ending to a wonderful evening. I fell forward after, dazed. I cuddled up to MasterDoc and felt so very thankful to have him in my life. Today, I was sad to leave, uncertain when I get to see MasterDoc next. I really can’t get enough of him.

Addendum: I changed the title of this after MasterDoc reminded me that we already had a title for it – last night the other Dom came up with the joke of three thumbs up, i.e. his two thumbs and the dildo sticking up from the sybian. The new mark of a successful sexual encounter – three thumbs up!

Lessons

Published on December 7, 2008 in D/s, Uncategorized, bdsm, bisexuality, flogging, lesbian, masochism, slut, spanking and sybian. 0 Comments

I’ve had a busy weekend with MasterDoc. After resolving our differences, I felt much, much better and was happy to have a few days to spend with him. I was off on Friday and he had a busy day planned – a gentleman coming over to learn about BDSM in the late morning, then lunch out, then a friend of a friend who wants to be a Domme coming over for lessons in the evening. A full day, and my ass was sure to get beaten quite a lot!

In the morning, it was definitely more a case of him teaching rather than simply using me in front of an audience. Still, I got quite a flogging/spanking and the guy got to try out hitting my ass as well. I was pretty sore afterward! A funny aside, this guy later turns out to be someone who MasterDoc’s friend Liz had once dated before she met her boyfriend and became serious about him. What a small slut world New York is! This guy was cute and I totally would have done him in a heartbeat. Hopefully he comes back for more lessons later. *naughty grin* MasterDoc gave me a ride on the sybian and I came hard. I mean HARD, like I usually do on the sybian. I was leaning forward onto him, grasping at him, me a blubbering mess.

Lunch was very yummy – there’s an Indian restaurant by MasterDoc that has a terrific lunch special and it’s such a great deal. The food is terrific and cheap! I have become a devotee of alu paratha (this bread stuffed with spiced potato). Yummylicious!

I got a nap in somewhere along the way, I hadn’t slept well the night before. We cleaned up his apartment some more for our next guest, as MasterDoc points out you need to have things nicer for a chick than a guy. She got there sometime around 5. We had met her once before, when I wanted to meet up with a hot young lady from okcupid, and MasterDoc tagged along with me, and this Domme-to-be tagged along with the hot young lady I was lusting after. (Turns out she and the other young lady are partners but very much poly.) MasterDoc is a little out of luck with this lady, as she’s definitely a lesbian (and definitely Domme) but he’s gladly taken her on as a student. She’s a devoted student of Asian studies, Japan in particular, and the most suitable pseudonym for her is Kohai.

I was soon naked and MasterDoc demonstrated various impact toys on my ass (still sore from the morning!), including the floggers Kohai brought along with her (she has some nice stuff for a newbie! The braided one hurt like a motherfucker.) She took turns, trying out using the floggers, MasterDoc spending a lot of time teaching her physiology as it relates to BDSM. I think she has a promising career as a Domme ahead of her. (She’d like to be a professional Domme. In a case like that she’d dominate men, but she wants nothing to do with them sexually.) With impact play pretty well covered, MasterDoc gave her some advice on the psychological aspects of being Dom (ah yes, I’ve now heard all his secrets, although I think ultimately I knew them already from his using them on me). He asked her if she had seen a TENS unit before and she had no idea, so he had me get it and he tried it out on her a little so she could see what it felt like. Then they hooked me up to it and had fun with me.

We debated going out to a club that night, and Kohai called her girlfriend but she didn’t pick up, so the club idea got scrapped. Instead, Kohai got a ride on the sybian (she chose the flat top with no penetrative part). MasterDoc worked the controls and I caressed her body, grabbing at her ass, pushing down on her pubic area so her clit would come in better contact with the vibrator. Like most women, she had a fantastic orgasm riding the sybian. Then we were getting ready to pack up, MasterDoc and I going out to dinner, Kohai getting back on the subway for the ride home. But Kohai was quite forward with the idea that she’d be happy to go at me with a strap on. I certainly wouldn’t say no to a hot lesbian fucking me with a strap on! We went into the bedroom and MasterDoc teased me with the magic wand. Then Kohai fucked me. Unfortunately the dildo I have at his place is the relatively thin one I got to use on guys’ asses. I would have loved a thicker dildo. Still, I managed to come and he gave me permission to. Rowr. One bad thing was that the base of the harness kept hitting against my pussy uncomfortably – do other women have trouble with strap on harnesses? I came regardless. (I’m not one to let a little thing like pain stop me from coming. Heh, sometimes the pain helps me to come.) He followed up with the magic wand on my clit and I came again. I was a very happy girl. I had tons of orgasms in one day. Then MasterDoc treated me to dinner (as he had with lunch) and we had a nice romantic dinner out. All in all, it was a spectacular day.

Saturday, I went to work with a sore ass. lol And I knew we had plans for the evening that included a Dom and his three bisexual submissive women coming over. Rowr. I got so hot at the idea of playing with the other subs and being used by another Dom at MasterDoc’s discretion. Oh yes, Saturday was a very slutty night. More on that in the next blog entry.

Review: Cry Baby

Published on December 7, 2008 in reviews. 1 Comment

I have long desired a remote control vibe. I mean, what better way to have some discreet fun with your Dom/significant other? So when Babeland offered the Cry Baby I had to have it. Now, I had pictured it being a clitoral vibe – a bullet small enough to go against my clit under my clothing. But it turned out to be a thick, stubby vibe – definitely meant for insertion (unless you want a huge, strange bulge at the crotch of your pants. I don’t think you’d be able to walk or move with it on your clit either without it moving.).

One strike against it right off the bat is that it doesn’t have any way to lock the controls. So on my way over to MasterDoc’s the battery in the remote ran down because the thing turned itself on in my bag. $8.99 at Radio Shack later for 2 replacement batteries (it takes one special remote control battery), we were ready to give it a go. We were going to have a young Domme-to-be come over for some lessons from MasterDoc, and he had me put it in right before she got there. I lubed it up and slid it in pretty easily. It wasn’t very noticeable after putting it in, except for the plastic string hanging out of it, which felt awkward against my labia.

Of course, he had the control and I had no idea of when he was going to turn it on. This is the whole point to a remote-controlled vibe – the element of surprise and someone else having control. After we spent some time talking with the Domme he switched it on. I think I twitched a bit and he told her why I did so. Now, I could feel the various vibration settings as he scrolled through them (there’s 10 settings, different rhythms, all graphically represented on the controller). The various settings are a stellar idea because you can play around with so many different patterns of vibration. The controller is easy to use, just the on/off button and a button to scroll through the vibration settings. The down side was that inside of me, it didn’t do much to work me up or get me off. If it hit the g-spot that would have been great, but it didn’t, and if it sat against my clit that would have done a great job of teasing me, but it didn’t. I can’t speak for all women, but vibrators inside of me don’t do me much good. Most of the nerve endings are at the clit and there isn’t so much sensation inside. I felt the vibe, it just didn’t have the desired effect on me. We tried it for a little longer and declared it a dud.

I can see it being fun as a way of a Dom keeping a sub aware of her cunt – that it can do. But I don’t think there’s going to be fun watching her struggle not to come in public. If I had left the vibe in it might have turned me on slightly but after a while it would make me numb. However, if internal vibrations are your thing then you would probably enjoy the Cry Baby. I think that, sadly, it will end up relegated to the pile of toys I don’t really use.

Resolution

Published on December 4, 2008 in D/s, dom and submissive. 0 Comments

So of course after my last emotional post, I have to follow up with the outcome of our talk. (It happened a day earlier than we thought it would.) Now, the way I couched things last time, MasterDoc sounds like a bit of an asshole, and people reacted accordingly. But lest you all wonder why the heck I’m with him, let me tell you about our talk. As he always is, MasterDoc was calm and easygoing when we discussed the issue. He sat down with my blog entry and went over it, point by point. And it became clear that my point of view was just that - my point of view – and not necessarily the crux of the matter.

He pointed out that really, once I called him up on Friday and said I didn’t want my restraints used, I had won. He agreed not to use them. Issue solved. He does respect the fact that I have some say in how my toys are used. All I had to do was state a strong preference. Part of the issue is that as a submissive I often feel like I have no power at all. When I come across something where I disagree with him, I get this internal struggle going on – the struggle between wanting to please him and wanting to keep myself happy. It’s tough. Would I have gotten so freaked out if I thought it wouldn’t bother him one iota for me to say no about using my stuff? It’s doubtful. He pointed out that he’s hardly going to cut me loose for feeling the way I do about my toys.

We discussed my reasons for not wanting him to use the restraints – and while he thinks the “being the first one to use them” defense is a little silly, he can agree to that. It might not matter to him but fine, it matters to me. But he pointed out that the odds of them breaking from one use was pretty slim. Ok, I have to agree to that. When we discussed my reasoning, I had to admit a huge part of the issue was the violent, visceral reaction I get to the woman he was going to be using them with. For some unknown reason, I feel threatened by her. Is there good reason for me to feel that way? No. But I have a strong reaction when she’s involved with things. This has happened before. Do I need to learn to deal with it? Yes. We’re poly and he has every right to see who he wants. He does his best to make sure I don’t have to spend time with her since he knows I don’t care for her (and even I have to admit I don’t have a good, rational reason to feel that way) but he will continue to spend time with her. And despite my reaction to her, I fully agree that my reaction shouldn’t have a bearing on his relationship with her. I would feel like crap if it did. It wouldn’t be fair. MasterDoc does not, ever, interfere with my relationship with Davey. He goes out of his way to not affect my relationship with Davey. I should give him the same respect.

As for the toy use, he pointed out that while I view it as this other woman using my toys, really and truly it would be him using them, for his pleasure. And since it costs me nothing to do so, why wouldn’t I let him use them? I’m not using them at the time. He’s not depriving me of their use. He understands that while I can admit that it costs me nothing, I do have a strong emotional reaction in this situation. He respects that but asks me to take a good long look at it and see if I can feel differently about it. He recognizes the fact that that could take a long time, or perhaps will never change. For now, I feel quite negatively about it. But from an objective standpoint I can see that, yeah, lending him my toys does not have any real impact on me. And as someone I hold dear why wouldn’t I be willing to lend them to him? I’ll take some time to look at my feelings about this and see what happens. He acknowledged the fact that if a toy has a sentimental value to it (i.e., my crop) that he should be told about that so he can behave accordingly (i.e., not likely to take it out of the house).

So ultimately, all I had to do was talk calmly with him and things could easily be resolved. (Heck, they were resolved when I said, “I don’t want you using my restraints with her.”) He’s a very calm man. Even when I get upset and angry he stays calm. I think he’s good for me in that he’s very rational, whereas I get over-emotional. Like they have always in the past, things were resolved to my satisfaction by simply talking to him. No need to raise voices, shed tears, feel eaten up inside.

Sticking Point

Published on December 2, 2008 in D/s, anxiety, dom and submissive. 5 Comments

I try to write honestly here about D/s. I try to relate my experiences with it – the good and the bad. This week I hit a rough spot when MasterDoc told me that he was going to use my brand new underbed restraints with someone else. I had a problem with this for two reasons – 1) I want to be the first person to use any new toys of mine. After all, it’s mine and what I want should count for something, and 2) I am obligated to write a review of these restraints for Babeland, and should anything go awry with the first use how could I try them out and review them afterward? He knew this would bother me because I’m not friends with the woman he was going to use them with, but he didn’t realize just how upset I’d become. I was eaten up all the rest of Friday thinking about this and how much I didn’t want it to happen. I called him that night to convey that I was “really really upset” and he agreed to not use the restraints. However, we have a talk planned next time we have a chunk of time together. When I talked about it a little online with him the other night (I was in an all-around grumpy mood, ready to pounce on anything bothering me. Being premenstrual undoubtely plays a part, although it’s certainly not the only reason.) he told me that he expected me to change my attitude dramatically.

“So you want me to say it’s fine that you use them with (this woman)?”

“Exactly!” he says, and declares the subject closed for the time being. Not willing to submit on this one I declare that I will start taking my toys home if this is how it’s going to be. He scolded me for continuing the conversation when he declared it over and told me I was to call him Sir throughout the rest of the time we spoke that night. Grrr. I did so, putting as much insolence into the word Sir as I possibly can via the internet. What’s this about submissives being compliant doormats? I can be stubborn. I can be combative. Sometimes I just don’t want to submit. I feel so strongly about this issue that I’m not willing to back down. Of course, this runs contrary to what he wants. I’m partly waiting in anticipation for the conversation, because I would feel better with this resolved somehow; however, I’m also afraid of it because odds are usually quite good that he will persuade me to let him have his way. But if he has his way with this topic, I will feel resentful and angry. Neither of which is conducive to a strong, happy relationship. Neither of which will produce a happy, willing submissive.

He’s used my toys before without asking me, and I objected. He managed to persuade me to let him with the promise that he’d replace anything lost or broken. But in some cases I don’t want to have to replace the toy in question. My crop was a birthday present for my 30th from two very dear friends of mine, and I doubt Babeland still carries that particular style crop. My crop is currently missing. Last time it went missing it was left at this woman’s house. I have no idea where it might be now, but I couldn’t find it around his place last I was there. I’m frustrated when my toys aren’t around to be used with me. They’re mine. It may sound selfish but dammit, this isn’t the playground where I have to make nice and share my toys with the other kiddies. I did not give up my rights to my possessions when I signed on to be his submissive. Clearly this is something for us to negotiate. (His initial argument, by the way, has been that I should be pleased to lend him something that will give him pleasure. I can’t feel pleased when it’s brand new and I haven’t had a chance to use it yet. I just can’t.)

So in the meantime I feel unhappy, because this really needs resolution and resolution is at least a few days off. I feel off-kilter in regards to my relationship with him. I saw him briefly today for the first time in over a week, and while I was happy to cuddle with him the issue at hand just gnawed at me. I’m so afraid of being coerced to submit to something I really don’t want to submit to. The main sticking point is the newness of the toy, although this brings up lots of contrary feelings in me and I start thinking about how I don’t want him to use my toys with someone I’m not friends with. I feel different when he wants to use the toys with S. I’m good friends with her and happy to lend a toy to her fun. This other woman is vaguely an acquaintance. I feel no connection to her. I don’t feel I should be obligated to share my stuff with her.

I’m sure he’ll have a stern comment to leave on this post. But my blog has always been a place where I’m supposed to be allowed to say what I think and not censor myself. I really needed to get this off my chest.