I’m in a shitty, shitty mood today. I’ve learned that I can’t handle orgasm denial. If this went on for an extended period of time I would lose my mind. Seriously. I’m so tense, so frustrated that the idea of cutting myself to relieve the tension has entered my mind (I’ve also contemplated drugs and alcohol). It’s one thing to be denied having an orgasm but not stimulated in the meantime. But it’s quite another to be stimulated beyond all belief, right to the edge, held there for a while, denied orgasm, pushed to the point where you’re afraid you can’t hold back any more and then left unfulfilled. This is one part of BDSM I HATE. I honestly don’t know if I can handle this. I had to take xanax last night to calm down and get to sleep.
Orgasms are good for people. I think people should have as many orgasms as they can. I don’t think it’s healthy to be denied orgasm. I really don’t know if I can handle this. I had sex with Davey and that wasn’t enough, luckily when I asked MasterDoc permission to masturbate I was granted it. The magic wand helped but I still feel like utter shit about this, like I’m not strong enough to be a good sub. Having him deliberately make me feel this horrible just makes me feel like I’ve been really, really bad. This whole thing makes me feel horrible.
We did have some wonderful times together this weekend, and I will blog about it (he did give me orgasms prior to the denial of last night) but I need to get out of this funk first. I really worry that I’m too weak, “not submissive enough” and what have you.
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