Lately I’ve had bouts of neediness and I HATE feeling that way. I want to be an independent, I -don’t-need-no-one-else kinda gal. But I do need people. And sometimes I feel more needy than others. Last week MasterDoc talked about possibly canceling with me and immediately it set off this needy reaction. Of course once I discovered that he wasn’t talking about canceling entirely and I had some time to get used to the idea of spending time alone (Davey was away) I felt just fine. But initially. Oof. I went from normal to whiny in about 6 seconds. I hate that.
I wonder if there’s something about the D/s relationship that makes me needier in that instance. I don’t get so needy with Davey, not even when we were seeing each other long distance. I’d miss him terribly, and sometimes cry when we said goodbye for another month or so, but I kept myself busy otherwise. I think at this point I’m used to spending time with either Davey or MasterDoc so that when I have blocks of time to myself I get a little panicky. Sad state of affairs. At this point in my life I don’t really like spending time completely alone. I’m not much for groups of people, but hanging out with one or two people I’m close to is how I’m happiest. Somehow MasterDoc brings out the needy side of me, again I’m wondering if being someone’s sub makes you feel like you need them more in a sense. Talking with MasterDoc the other day he suggested that maybe it’s because he’s a stabilizing force in my life. But the thing is Davey is also really stabilizing for me as well. They’re very different but both provide some stability to my life.
At any rate, I’m determined to remain independent and not be a needy pain in the arse all the time. I should know better than to think I won’t be okay if I’m alone. I’ve spent a lot of time alone and I’ve always come out of it just fine. Even when I’m alone for a day or two I still have Davey and MasterDoc in my life. I really don’t know what my deal is. It’s driving me crazy.
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