Sub Mindset

Since my little inappropriate outburst the other night, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the sub mindset and what it means to be a sub. I’ve also thought about a comment MasterDoc made that I’ve become too casual (don’t remember the exact words he used but it was something like that). I have gotten a little too casual around him lately. Our relationship is a D/s one and I need to remember my place in that. He’s a very laid-back person but I must never take advantage of his good nature.

I created a login at collarme.com today so I could go on the message boards and read advice from subs to subs. And it’s helped renew my submissive mindset. It’s also reassuring to know that I’m not the only person who gets off on being submissive and lesser in a relationship. *grin* I do have my moments when I realize that many wouldn’t understand why I freely enter into being someone’s sub. I mean, sometimes I wonder that myself, since I’m a fairly independent, feminist woman. But at the same time I can’t remember a time in my life when the idea of being used sexually and submitting wasn’t a huge turn on. I remember reading an article about the Patty Hearst kidnapping when I was young (pre-teen probably), and getting wildly turned on at the description of her being tied up in a closet. I’ve always had fantasies of being taken forcibly sexually. I kinda see my sub status as an inborn orientation, like my bisexuality.

It’s interesting the dichotomies that can exist in life. I can be independent and yet submissive. I can be turned on by rape fantasies but also damaged by actual non-consensual rape. I can yearn to be submissive to someone and yet have a hard time letting go of my independence at times. There are times when I just totally get into the sub mindset and I aim to please, but there’s other days when I feel rebellious and have a hard time not being selfish. At core I’m a rather spoiled, selfish girl. The dynamic I have with Davey is very different than the one I have with MasterDoc. You wouldn’t think I was a submissive seeing the dynamic between me and Davey. When people find out I’m kinky, they often assume I’m a Domme, which makes me laugh because I have a really hard time playing the Domme role. But outside the bedroom I’m not particularly submissive. Occasionally I can be switch, but that’s mostly with men as I don’t worry so much about hurting them. (I’m deathly afraid of hurting a woman in the bad way.) I think the hardest time I have being sub is when it’s in a non-sexual way, when I’m helping MasterDoc around the house. The funny thing is knowing my selfish, lazy, spoiled nature part of me thinks it’s really good for me to be forced to forget about my own wishes and serve someone else’s. It can carry over into my relationship with Davey, which is a positive. I’ll feel like being lazy and letting Davey do the dishes since I know he’ll do them if I don’t, but then I’ll realize that I’m being selfish, and if you love someone you should do things to serve them sometimes – even if that’s not your relationship dynamic. I think I’ve gotten a little better about helping around the house since I’ve taken on being MasterDoc’s sub. (There’s still room for improvement.)

Despite the fact that it’s sometimes hard for me to get properly in the sub mindset, I want nothing more than to continue to be MasterDoc’s sub. I hate disappointing him and the very idea of him not being my Dom really bothers me. I’d be crushed. And so I want to do my best to fulfill my role in this situation. And so I work on improving.