After a boring Thanksgiving, spent feeling like I couldn’t be myself, I had a chat online with D.S. We discussed the fact that spending time with our “chosen family” is so different and so preferable to spending time with our biological families. We lamented how we can’t be open about our various partners and so part of our lives, an important part of our lives, remains totally hidden from those who are supposed to love us as we are, our family. Spending time with my mother and brother just reminds me of the fact that they’re terribly dysfunctional and that, lamentably, I will probably never have a warm, close, loving relationship with them. Instead we get together over holidays out of a sense of obligation. Things with my dad are better, but still, I could see the unease in his eyes when I dropped the phrase “Davey and I have an open relationship” into the conversation. I think rather than images of loving, polyamorous relationships he had an image of swingers. And yes, that’s not a totally inaccurate picture of my life (and what dad wants to hear about that?) but MasterDoc and D.S. are wonderful people and very much a part of my life – more a part of my life than my immediate family is these days. They’re not casual fucks, they’re close friends and important to me.
Why should I have to pretend that Davey is the only important person in my life? I can see that Christmas will be more of the same, putting on a show for family, wishing I was instead spending time with those who I really want to spend time with. I now understand why the holidays are such a stressful time for most people.
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