Monthly Archive for October, 2007

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Clean Bill of Health

Published on October 22, 2007 in gyn and sex. 0 Comments

So the gyn didn’t find anything wrong with me this morning. He agreed that the source of the pain was the hymenal ring, which I thought it was (after I got past the vaginismus hypothesis), but he says that unless it persists there’s nothing to be done about it. (If the pain persists then he could make a couple of incisions to remove the flesh. Here’s to hoping that doesn’t happen.) I’m happy to say I’m cleared to resume fucking. Hooray! This means I’m going to that party with MasterDoc on Saturday. Color me extremely happy.

I experimented this morning, and there was minimal pain, so hopefully this issue has passed. *fingers crossed*

Funny thing – as I scooted down on the examination table the doctor noticed the bruises on my ass. Remember the photo of bruises from a few days ago? Well it looks much worse now. I ended up explaining that I “engage in consensual bdsm.” The doctor was professional about it and only asked for a bit more detail to see if trauma to the vulva was possible. I said that it was just spanking. He also asked if I have a new partner since having a larger partner can be the source of new pain from penetration and I ended up mentioning that I have a few partners. lol Again, he was professional but ended up asking me if they were guys I knew or not, if it was some sort of club I went to or what. I explained that, yes, I know all my partners (at the moment, come Saturday that will be a different story!) and I minimized it to say that I only have a couple of partners… which on an average week is true. Still, I give a lot of credit to the gyn for being completely professional and non-judgmental about it. He gave me a little bit of a talk about safer sex, particularly concerning oral sex, but he wasn’t judgmental about it. Little does he know that I frequently give such talks about safer sex and std transmission to various and sundry people.

Gang Bang

Published on October 21, 2007 in gang bang and sex. 0 Comments

I’m a very lucky girl. I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me very much and wants to see me enjoy myself. Davey is working on arranging a gang bang for my birthday. Yay! While gang bangs have not really featured in my fantasy life, I think it would be fun to have one with a bunch of guys I’m comfortable with. I expressed this to Davey and he decided to arrange one for me.

There’s only five guys on the guest list: Davey, MasterDoc, D.S. and my friends with benefits Saajan and T.M. I figure if two or more guys can’t make it then maybe I’ll call in the “B list” and invite N. (Yup, N. is merely on the b list these days.)

Right now I’m focusing on getting my pussy healthy again so I can fully enjoy this gang bang next month. I see the gyn tomorrow – finally! Let’s hope for good news and quick healing.

I’m not surprised that Saajan has said he’ll be there – after all he’s very fond of taking part in gang bangs. I’m excited he’ll be there because he fucks me good and hard. He’s said that he’d like some time alone with me around that time as well, for a good hard, rough fuck. Once I’m healed up I will be quite ready for that. (Of course, I still need to ask MasterDoc’s permission.)

Isn’t Davey just the best boyfriend around?

Silence

Published on October 21, 2007 in assault. 0 Comments

Reading the chapter on rape in Cunt of course got me thinking about things that have happened to me. Inga Muscio makes the point that silence is what allows rape and assault against women to continue. She quotes Ursula K. LeGuin, “The power of the harasser, the abuser, the rapist depends above all on the silence of women.” And this is too true. I’ve never filed charges against the man who raped me or the man who sexually assaulted me at a sex party. A few months back I finally referred to Jefferson, the man who assaulted me, by name in this blog. That took me two years to do. For the rest of the time I was virtually silent. I was left to deal with the after effects of what he did to me while he went on with his life like nothing happened. I did speak up and confront him and others who attended his parties on what he did right after, but I got rebuffed as “crazy” because no one wanted to look at what had happened that night. I only wish I had been less scared and decided to file charges against him come hell or high water. I only wish I was less scared now.

I love Muscio’s idea that rape should be handled by what she calls “Cuntlovin’ Public Retailation” – in other words women should band together to publicly denounce rapists (en masse), to embarrass them at their homes, places of work, etc. We should not be silent as to what these men have done to harm and shame us. And we should stand up for any woman who’s gone through this as rape affects us all. Every person who has a cunt has to worry about going out alone at night, going out dressed seductively, just simply existing in the world we live in because at any given point in time a man can decide that he has to exert control by raping a cunt. The fact that this behavior is so terribly condoned by our society (yes, I feel that it’s condoned) disgusts me. You can bet such deep humiliation of men would not be tolerated in our society. But destroying a woman’s sense of safety, her sense of power over her life, that happens with only silence greeting it.

I’m tired of being silent. But of course I’m still afraid. If I wasn’t afraid I’d sit here and publish the real names of the men who’ve taken away my right to choose what happens to my cunt. I’d link to the one who has a blog. But even just putting his name up here terrifies me – even though very few people read this blog. It would have been really terrific had I published who did it on my old blog, read by 100 people a day, back when the assault actually happened. But I was even more afraid then than I am now. And so I remain virtually silent.

A Listening Audience

Published on October 19, 2007 in bdsm, dom, sex and spanking. 0 Comments

Here’s the results of last night’s visit to MasterDoc.

And a close up:

Lovely, eh? They look even more impressive in person. I’m surprised that my inner thighs don’t have bruising as they got smacked around quite a bit last night. They’re tender but not bruised. On to the narrative….

Before dinner, MasterDoc had me set up four point restraints in the living room. He said that he wanted my legs to be restrained apart so that I couldn’t possibly move them together. While I set up the room, he chatted with someone on a dating site where we’re looking to meet a woman for a threesome. As he’s getting me restrained his phone rings, and it’s the woman he had been chatting with. He puts her on speakerphone and we all say hello as I’m being tied down. He explains to her what he’s going to do to me – he borrowed a Hitachi magic wand from someone and he was going to tease me with it. I was really excited about this as they’re legendary and I had never experienced one. The vibrations from the wand are more intense than any other toy I’ve played with before. (I suppose that battery operated can’t compare to toys you plug into the wall.) He started off teasing my nipples with the wand on low, and it felt really yummy. I hoped that our audience on the other end of the phone was going to enjoy what she heard.

He moved down to my clit and expertly teased me with the wand. I was moaning and writhing, so close to coming, over and over again. It felt positively amazing. (When I told Davey about this, he said that he’s now decided to get me a magic wand for my birthday or Christmas – whoo hoo!) I would be brought to the very brink of orgasm and then he’d move the wand away. This kept happening and I became very desperate to come. MasterDoc asked our listener if she thought I should be allowed to come and she was nice enough to say yes. Of course, MasterDoc decided that it was too soon and continued teasing me some more. He pondered whether to let me come before dinner or to just work me up and make me wait. I begged to be allowed to come. I begged over and over again. Eventually, he let me come and boy did I come hard. I kept screaming and moaning as I came and came, always aware that there was someone listening on the other end of a phone line to my noise. He asked if I had enough and I said, “No, Sir,” so he put the wand back on my clit and I came some more. My leg muscles twitched from the intensity and when we were all done I was amazed that I was able to stand.

As I recovered, still tied down, MasterDoc turned his attention back to our caller. She sounded like she was pretty close herself. It’s always nice to have an appreciative audience. Liz came out and told us dinner was ready, so we wrapped up the call. Hopefully we’ll actually meet up with this woman sometime. *grin* I got untied and we all enjoyed some yummy dinner.

After dinner, MasterDoc and I cuddled on the sofa and went back on the dating site. Then he lay on the mat on the floor and had me massage his neck and shoulder for a while. We cuddled a bit and after a little while he turned his attention to my ass. He had me lay on my stomach and he started spanking me. (I had said that I was hoping for a good, hard spanking.) He got into it and soon my ass was smarting something awful. I buried my face in the mat to muffle my cries of pain. He got out a couple of toys to strike me with and kept going. I was getting the spanking I had asked for. He had me go into the next room at one point to show Liz how red my ass was, since she would appreciate it. She was duly impressed. When I came back, he smacked at my nipples with my crop/slapper and had me lay down on my back. He hit my face, breasts and inner thighs with the slapper. My thighs turned red and burned. He grabbed my hair a bit too. (I love when he grabs my hair.) When he was done, he sat on the sofa and had me suck his cock for a little while, shoving my face down against him. Then he decided that he was done with me so he ordered me to get dressed and leave. Out of context, that would seem harsh, but in a D/s scenario it’s pretty hot to be dismissed like so.

I’m getting all worked up recalling all this. *grin* I so hope that the gyn can sort out my vaginal issues on Monday as I’m getting really frustrated at not having intercourse. I would have LOVED to have been fucked after my spanking last night. Anyway, as I got dressed MasterDoc started chatting with another woman on the dating site and I ended up staying a while longer to chat with her online and on the phone. Perhaps our luck with the site is changing. *fingers crossed*

Feminism is Sexy

Published on October 18, 2007 in Feminism and sexy thoughts. 0 Comments

Something I’ve long suspected: Feminists Have More Fun.

Feminism boosts sexual satisfaction for both men and women, a new study suggests.

Busting stereotypes that peg feminists as ugly lesbians, a new study shows that having a feminist partner is linked with healthier, more romantic heterosexual relationships.

Well of course! When a woman is strong, comfortable with her body and her worth as a woman, good sex is bound to follow. Hooray for the sexy feminists!

Cunt

Published on October 17, 2007 in cunt. 0 Comments

I just started reading Inga Muscio‘s book, Cunt: A Declaration of Independence. It seems like an appropriate time to read this considering my cunt is having issues just now. The book focuses on reclaiming the word cunt, and reclaiming feeling good about having a cunt and acknowledges the power of cunts. When my cunt needs to be nursed back to health is the appropriate time for me to feel warmly towards it. *grin*

The second most frustrating thing about having this pain issue is not knowing what the problem is. The most frustrating thing is not knowing how long it will be before I’m back to enjoying fucking. Weekend after next is a big swing/fetish party and MasterDoc has asked me to go with him, but of course if I can’t fuck pain-free by then he’ll have to go with someone else. (And I’ll be home that night NOT having sex with my sore cunt, to make matters worse.) I’m hoping the gyn visit on Monday goes exceptionally well – i.e., we find out the problem and just a few days of whatever treatment will clear it up. I’m extremely frustrated with the situation.

While I’m not that far into Muscio’s book, I’m glad a book such as this exists. We live in a society that constantly tells women their genitals are smelly, dirty and bad. (And yet there’s lots of money to be made off them – via “feminine products” or porn or sex work. How bad can something be that men are willing to pay so much for?) In the part I’m reading now she’s discussing menstruation and coming to embrace it as what your lady bits are supposed to do. The overwhelming impression in the U.S. is that menstrual blood is dirty. Of course, that’s absurd. It may be messy, but it’s not dirty. It’s what’s supposed to be happening. When I tell friends about using a menstrual cup and how much easier it is many of them recoil at the thought of coming in contact with their own menstrual blood (never mind that some of them use pads and that’s messier than using a menstrual cup ever is). But the only problem with coming in contact with our own menstrual blood is the brainwashing we’ve received telling us it’s bad. You know what, sometimes when cleaning out my menstrual cup I get blood on my hands. And you know what? It washes off. Quite easily. Quite quickly. It’s actually kinda interesting using a menstrual cup because you’re more in touch with how much (or rather, how little) fluid your body is actually shedding. I think it’s interesting how the consistency can vary as well. We’ve got to stop buying into the idea that there’s something wrong with cunts and something wrong with menstruation. I doubt I’ll ever love getting my period, but I’m more accepting these days that it happens and it’s part of the ebb and flow of life. It’s part of being a woman. And being a woman isn’t a bad thing.

Muscio’s website has an interesting section with the womanifestos written by readers after reading Cunt. One bit I liked was from Yahm Reichart‘s:

being a woman is not calling her a “slut” because she’s wearing a short skirt, gives blowjobs at drunken parties, has fake boobs, because she was raped, because you heard she sleeps around, loves herself, is better looking, is not as good looking, is on the pill, gets an abortion, carries condoms, is a model or actress, or has the ovaries to break away from any standard

I think women would all do well to remember that about each other. We tear each other down as much as men do. We’ve bought into the poisonous notions that this patriarchal society has fed us. Time to reclaim the word and reclaim our cunts.

Sex in Christ

Published on October 14, 2007 in christians, humor and sex. 0 Comments

I’ve never laughed so hard as I did while reading this site: Sex in Christ. Consider, if you will, this snippet from the page on “Fisting and God’s Will:”

On a symbolic and sexual level, a wife who is fisted by her husband has the experience of surrendering completely to the divine love and power of the Lord, as embodied by her partner’s hand.

And:

Before attempting fisting, a Christian husband and wife should pray together and ask for divine guidance. The husband should ask that God guide his hand and work through him, and for the skill and patience to fist his wife correctly and maximize her pleasure. The wife should pray for openness and readiness to receive God’s love and grace in the form of her husband’s hand.

Yup, someone out there has figured out how to justify his kinky desires with the bible. I say “his” because it’s pretty clear the writer is a heterosexual male. Take a look at the pages on BDSM and threesomes. Hey, two chicks getting it on isn’t prohibited in the bible apparently, but two dudes? No way man! And should a woman submit to her husband? Hell yeah. And a man can submit to his wife only if they resume “natural” roles once outside the bedroom.

Godless heathen that I am, I don’t worry about such things. But it’s good to know that Christians can enjoy some fun with their God’s consent. Perhaps funniest is the page with reader questions and answers. Who knew that Christ gave women instruction in giving blow jobs to their husbands?

Painful Penetration

Published on October 13, 2007 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

So after the recent bouts of painful intercourse I decided to try to figure out what the heck was up with my vagina. I remembered a word I had read years before – vaginismus – the involuntary tightening of the vaginal muscles. My unprofessional opinion was that this was what was happening for some reason – probably started around the time that my couple put a large dildo into my un-aroused vagina and I ended up with a tear that made sex painful. Of course, now I’m to the point where I get anxious about it hurting so of course I tense up all the more. *sigh* As soon as it hurts a little bit I get all tense, I noticed that with D.S. today. It would start feeling okay and then I’d feel a wee bit tight or sore again and suddenly it would get worse as I got anxious. Still, there can always be a physical cause as well as the psychological side so I will be going to my gynecologist to get checked out. (My favorite doctor instructed me to go get checked out and of course I will do what he tells me to.)

Considering all the history I have with the assault I figure vaginismus is fairly likely. A little bit of hurt inside immediately reminds me of the assault and my worries that the tender spot the assault left would never go away. (I’m still not convinced it’s gone away. Fingers will sometimes hit this spot inside that’s always tender and it’s in the same area where I was hurt by the assault.) No wonder my vagina tightens up – it’s trying to defend itself.

I decided to take some time to explore by myself, while home alone, to see what happens when, and where the pain is coming from. I set myself up with a variety of toys – ranging from my smaller butt plug (littlest toy I have) to my favorite dildo, which is pretty wide at the head but gets narrower down the shaft. I put some porn on the TV, got out both bottles of lube we have on hand, (both are water-based but one feels thicker than the other), and put my bullet vibe to work on my clit. I got myself fairly aroused before I put a latex glove over the butt plug (while it’s silicone and has been washed thoroughly, that thing’s been up my ass… plus this made clean-up super easy – just take the glove off and throw it away!), lubed it up well, and gently slid it inside. No problems there. I left it inside for a bit and used the vibe on my clit some more. I gave myself an orgasm and decided to move on.

I played around with one or two fingers inside me for a bit and I was feeling pretty good – not tight or more than slightly painful. I moved on to the narrower of my two silicone dildoes. This was a pretty big jump from the butt plug, and it hurt a little going in, but didn’t cause too much discomfort. Soon I moved on to my smart balls, which are about the same thickness as the dildo, but they’re hard. This hurt as I slid the first ball in past the opening of my vagina. The painful part was definitely at the opening. When I slid the second ball in there was the same pain until I got it past the opening muscles. Once inside, there was no pain at all. I played around a little bit with moving the balls in and out gently and stretching my vaginal opening by moving the balls from side to side. The pain lessened a little but was still ultimately there. I decided to go for the gusto and lube up my largest dildo (I always lubed the toys well). The thick head of the dildo hurt going in, but once it was past that initial muscle it didn’t hurt. Granted, a penis is usually around the same thickness throughout, so no wonder intercourse hurts like it does – the tight muscle doesn’t get a chance to rest and stop stretching. If there’s a physical issue it’s definitely right there by the opening. I’ll be able to give my gyn a whole lot of useful info from this exercise. *grin* I played around some more with my bullet vibe while having the dildo inside me, also did a few kegels while playing around with the dildoes inside. The pain lessened and when my muscles pushed the largest dildo out as I came closer to orgasm, it didn’t hurt as the head went by the opening. So while I mostly had some pain, it did get better as I played. I’m hopeful that this is just a temporary issue that I’ll overcome with a little patience. Still a visit to the gyn is definitely in order.

Threesome Number Two

Published on October 13, 2007 in bisexuality, sex and threesome. 0 Comments

Friday night right after work I picked D.S. up at the train station. It had been over a month since we had our first get-together and I was looking forward to seeing him. We went to my place and I introduced him to Davey. Davey set about making dinner (he’s a good chef) and D.S. and I hung out. It’s funny to hang out with someone who you feel comfortable with and yet you think that you shouldn’t feel as comfortable as you do because you haven’t spent a lot of time with them yet. I wanted to kiss him but I felt a little shy even though we’ve kissed before. It’s a funny sort of shyness.

We three enjoyed some wine with dinner and that helped us relax a bit and it lowered a few inhibitions. Sitting on the sofa after dinner, D.S. and I started making out when Davey went into the kitchen for something. He came back in and joked that he can’t leave us alone for two minutes. The three of us cuddled close on the couch, with me in the middle. I loved being all snuggled up to two guys I’m fond of. They’re both sweeties. There had already been some talk previously about D.S. being bi, and Davey being a little curious and thinking D.S. was cute. The initial action focused on me and it’s really wonderful to lose track of whose hand is touching you where. “Hmm that hand on my left breast, is it coming from the right or the left side of me? Which hand just moved down to my crotch?” Soon I was the first person naked (as always) and D.S. fingered me for a while. After I had been pleasured for a bit, he got on the floor in front of Davey and asked if it would be okay to turn his attentions to him now. Davey felt shy as always but he consented, and soon Davey’s clothes were off and D.S. was going down on him. Let me just say that D.S. is VERY enthusiastic about giving oral sex (to men or women). While I’m not usually into watching two guys get it on (yeah I know I’m weird, what sort of bi girl doesn’t like guy on guy action?) I thought it was hot to see two guys I like fooling around. It was especially fun because D.S. puts so much passion into cocksucking. And from the sounds that Davey was making I’d hazard a guess that D.S. is quite good at it.

While this was going on, I helped D.S. get out of his clothes and I played with his cock. He ended up taking a break to breathe and cool down and so sat back on the sofa; I took this as an opportunity to go down on him for a while. Somewhere along the way we all adjourned to the bedroom. D.S. commented that he hadn’t gone down on me just yet and of course I looked delighted at the prospect. D.S. has an unusually long tongue, and he had mentioned before that he’s been told he’s talented with it. I have to agree. He inserted a finger or two at the same time and the combination of my clit and g-spot being stimulated felt fantastic. I came a few times. In the meanwhile, Davey surprised both of us by going down on D.S.! This was the first time he’s ever done that (he had handled a cock once before). Apparently he did a decent job of it because D.S. complimented him. D.S. suggested that he’d like to be inside me so we got out condoms and he went to fuck me. Unfortunately, I’ve been having some pain during intercourse lately (or when my dildo was used on me at MasterDoc’s last) and there was quite a bit of pain. D.S. pulled out and asked if I wanted to stop, but I was hoping that the pain would subside if my muscles would only relax so I asked him to go ahead but just go slow. He took it slow and while the pain subsided somewhat it never felt as good as sex is supposed to feel. I felt bad, because I had been so looking forward to sex with D.S., and here my body wasn’t cooperating to make it as pleasurable as I wanted it to be. I was glad that D.S. came but I wished I had been able to enjoy it as much as I usually enjoy sex.

After a little break, Davey said that he wanted to be inside me now, and D.S. offered to get him warmed up (i.e., go down on him again). Sex with Davey didn’t hurt as much but it still wasn’t feeling as good as it usually does. Still, I enjoyed my time with both of them. I just wish that I hadn’t had the painful part.

The next morning I got to spend some time alone with D.S. because Davey had plans with a friend (yeah just a friend, not a date). We cuddled and chatted and D.S. expressed concern about hurting me. I explained that it’s not him; it’s something that’s been happening to me lately. By that time I had already gone online and started to research the issue. Amateur sex therapist that I am, I was determined to figure out the cause and get the issue fixed. (And while I was feeling freaked out that it was happening I was confident that I would be able to fix the problem with some patience. See next entry.) Our cuddling turned into kissing and sexual teasing and I suggested we go off to the bedroom. Again, D.S. went down on me with great relish. Again, I came. Unfortunately even his fingers inside me hurt a little bit off and on. He stuck his very long tongue inside me and even that penetration made me feel a little sore. However, I was enjoying being close to him – he’s so passionate and sensual, it’s great fun touching him and being touched by him. He’s as uninhibited in bed as I am. We had sex again, and I thought that it was going to be okay as I was focusing on relaxing my muscles, plus he fingered me a bit before and that felt okay. Unfortunately it hurt again and we had to go very slow. The pain would back off a bit but then as soon as I felt the slightest bit sore I’d tighten up in anxiety and it would hurt more. Ultimately we were successful in having sex, it just wasn’t as I had hoped it would be. I really need to sort this painful sex issue out. It’s making me anxious and not want to be penetrated – and I LOVE penetration!

It was time for D.S. to head back home and so I dropped him off at the train. I wished him a happy birthday (today!) and kissed him goodbye. Hopefully I’ll see him again sooner rather than later.

Torture

Published on October 10, 2007 in politics. 1 Comment

MasterDoc has come up with a new way to torture me – getting me to register republican. Now, in all fairness he didn’t force me to do this. There was never a command or demand made. But there was reasoned arguments and persuasion (and perhaps a little nagging). The whole point is to support a particular candidate in the primaries – Ron Paul. He’s a libertarian, running on the republican ticket and I have to admit that I like a lot of what he has to say about getting out of Iraq. (And MasterDoc had me read this piece the other day. He said it was seemingly written for me.)

Now, I’m sure that hell has now frozen over with my mailing out the voter registration form with “republican” ticked off as my party. I’m so far left that for me, on a conservative day I registered with the green party. I usually consider myself a libertarian socialist. I’ve only ever been registered to vote as independent or green.

It’s funny, I have a republican ex-boyfriend who would LOVE to hear this story. I’m half tempted to call him. Ha ha. He shocked me once by saying he might actually register democrat. This would shock him to no end but then he’d probably say something like “you’ve finally seen reason.” Funny thing is, I’m registering republican to vote for a fairly radical candidate. So perhaps my doing so is a somewhat radical move, not entirely out of line with my ideals. I dunno. You can rest assured that at the first possible moment after the primaries I’m getting switched back to green or independent.